Gross Movie Reviews #420

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Gross Movie Reviews #420

 

Bonehill Road (Vimeo) – Todd Mother F’N Sheets reaches into the depths of his mind and pulls out this latest project of an old school werewolf film. The film centers on a mother and daughter who are escaping an abusive relationship. On the road to grandpa’s house they meet a creepy dude at a rest stop (which I believe happens to all of us at least once) and believe they just narrowly missed hitting a bear? Shortly after the narrow miss a tire blows out and they hit a tree. The women take a few to get their senses and try to figure out what they should do but that so-called bear comes back to haunt them or I should say werewolf. On the run the ladies find a house but their luck is worse than they think when creepy dude from rest stop is the owner and has his own serial killer thing going on. These women have already been battle tested and know what is outside is worse than inside. Once the madman is dispatched in a rather gruesome manner its back to figuring out how to fight off these werewolves who are trying to break their way into the home. I absolutely enjoyed this werewolf flick. I would compare to Todd’s film to another werewolf flick “Wolfen” or “Bad Moon”. Mr. Sheets went for a more story driven werewolf flick and when it pays off it more than pays off with a scene in the kitchen. While a woman recently bitten transforms another not one but two werewolves shot in 100% light wander into the kitchen and it is a beautiful thing. Most independent werewolf films have to hide their monster. Hell most mainstream flicks do the same but Todd Sheets made sure you got the money shot and more with this scene. Todd absolutely delivered on a giving horror fans an entertaining treat of a werewolf film. And yes horror fans the film is a little slow but again the film is more story driven than gore driven but you will get your blood, guts, and cannibalism! A couple other cool tidbits to the film are the end credits scene with fake Gene Simmons again and they have a “stunt werewolf” thanks to Mr. Steele. Todd Mother F’N Sheets did again and I think fans will be pleased with his old school werewolf flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Fistful of Undead (Vimeo) – A short film from Todd Mother F’N Sheets that is about a cowboy fighting the undead. No dialogue, zombies, a bad ass cowboy… sometimes it is just that simple as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Knock Knock (On Demand) – No folks this isn’t that terrible Keanu Reeves movie we all lured into watching last year. This film is something much better! 2012 “Dorm of the Dead’s” Toby Canto makes his return back to the independent horror genre with this great gem. A story of misfits living in an apartment complex. An old boxer named “Stonefist” Sam is turning 60 today. Not the most pleasant person returns home to his weirdo neighbor Oliva hanging out in his apartment complaining about a vampire living across the hall. She can’t make her mind up if its Dracula or just a hot vampire living next door as she has been watching him worried he will kill her. As Sam tries to calm her down another weirdo neighbor Dragon busts in with his bag of goodies to kill the vampire and blurts out this great quote “Fucking Draculas Bro”! He also has stories of Dracula living next door including ripping his “Missing in Action” poster off of his front door. Once Gretchen stops by the scene is set as Oliva stole a package that was left for the vampire. As the four argue the vamp knocks on Sam’s door to nicely get the package but that goes horribly wrong when he was already invited to an apartment complex party. Sam doesn’t believe the neighbor is a vamp until the vamp tries to bring hell down on the four and Sam shows why he was nicknamed “Stonefist”. After they beaten the vamp down and tie him up they warn him to just be a good neighbor or leave? The credits role and we all find out the vamp has friends as a war takes place in the apartment. Smart production, hilarious script and characters, and the actors were down right fucking awesome and perfect for these parts! This flick had me laughing my balls off the whole time watching it. Toby I hope all of us horror fans get to see more projects from you as this is one of the best independent horror projects I have seen in 2017. I give this flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Check out Pop Art Pictures Facebook page for more details on the film.

 

Brides of Dracula (DVD) – Peter Cushing as Van Helsing returns to Transylvania to kick some vampire ass. A vamp is turning the village’s beautiful women into his brides and Van Helsing refuses to allow this crap to go down. A great buildup ending in this movie as the vampire believes he has killed Van Helsing by biting him but Van Helsing cures himself in a cool legendary manner. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Never Knock (SyFy Channel/DVD) – To set the scene it is Halloween 1986 and some kids go up to 59 Oakwood Lane to knock on the door of a supposedly haunted house. A kid’s hand begins to bleed on the door of the home and a dark force opens the door and kills the kids. But also when police officers arrive on scene they find “Never Never Knock” carved into the one body. So over the next thirty years kids in the small neighborhood go up and knock on the door every Halloween to scare each other. Meanwhile the murders go unsolved and become a thing of legend. Present day Jenna and friends go to the house and little sister Jenna knocks on the door, creature appears, and Jenna disappears. The friends look for Jenna as this sinister creature connected to this door of the home makes the friends see things that are not there until it kills them. Wasn’t overly impressed with the flick and left me asking why didn’t the city or neighborhood destroy this house to rid the town of the memories? Or who was taking care of this place for thirty years? I believe these questions would have made this a much shorter and more watchable movie for all of us as I give it 1 star.

 

Stickman (SyFy Channel/DVD) – A girl’s night terror or nightmare comes to life and kills and eventually sends her to an asylum for troubled kids. She spends several years there trying to get over this issue as her sister and mother were plagued by this issue after her sister read a poem about the “Stickman”. She is now about to turn 18 and has made it to a halfway house but her night terror has come back and is out in real world killing everyone. She must break into the asylum to find answers. The concept of the film is interesting but feels like it wasn’t completely executed properly? This flick was a little more bearable than some of the other recent SyFy Channel Halloween flicks as I give it 2 stars.

 

Jeeper Creepers 3 (On Demand) – Holy fart knocker did yinz screw this shit up! Okay folks never mind the creeper behind the camera directing the film let’s just talk this horrible film. This sequel is everything you didn’t want to be. Now, I was never a huge fan of this series but found the demonic creature “The Creeper” interesting. Apparently this takes place in between films one and two and people are out in force hunting this creature before he goes back to sleep. Wait… wait… wait… What? Where in the fuck is Ray Wise’s character fuckheads! Anyway, now the Creeper is able to hunt during the day, killing at will. The creeper also kidnaps a young teenager and his truck is impervious to everything and oh yeah it now has “Boobie traps”! The movie seems incoherent at times like Tim Gross and Daniel Boyd were drunk and wandered on set and started filming. But seriously folks I love character actors such as Stan Shaw, Meg Foster, and Gina Philips, but guys yinz should have sat this project out. I believe the biggest issue for me but all horror fans especially fans of this series is there was so much you could have done with this character? This character oozes a franchise and several years later we get this crap. Let’s call this what it is “CRAP”. I see crap and I give it crap so if you haven’t seen it yet? Don’t and thank me later.

 

Wake Up (YouTube) – A pretty different and maybe artsy short film that deals with a man who keeps writing “Awake or Alive”. The man is going insane or already there and not totally sure what is real? Cool stuff from Running Director Productions can be found at www.facebook.com/RunningDirectorProductions as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

StatACHE (YouTube) – A quite bizarre short film where a strange man with a bag on his head has a relationship with his television. A short film that mess with your mind thinking about it as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/RunningDirectorProductions .

 

The Last Room (YouTube) – A short film more up my alley as the apocalypse has happened and a man is trying to tell the story before he goes completely bonkers! First, people’s minds went, and then people were offering themselves to the flames or mass suicide I am guessing. Then all the utilities went! Now, Kameron haunted by his own visions after cannibalism wants there to be a record of what happened to humanity. Dark, deep thinking, rough… would like to see this fleshed out more as I give 3 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/RunningDirectorProductions .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

 

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Gross Movie Reviews #412

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Gross Movie Reviews #412

 

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – It took me awhile to watch this reboot of the franchise but for good reason as I am a fan of the originals and the Mark Wahlberg abomination of the early 2000s. But I heard enough good things and decided I thought it was time to give this movie a chance. And guess what this newer version is pretty good as James Franco is a scientist who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s. After many failed tests a female monkey shows promise of improved brain function, etc. When he has a presentation the monkey loses its shit because it is protecting its baby and is put down after the incident. Franco’s character takes the baby chimp home and he continues his research as he eventually tests it on his own father and it works. Along the way Caesar is learning at an incredible rate and knows sign language while Franco’s father is doing great. Several years pass the disease comes back and it gets the father and Caesar in trouble. Caesar is taken away and he begins his uprising of apes at an abusive sanctuary while viral monkey flu happens when testing continues on monkeys and a human is exposed. The movie ends as it becomes a signal of the fall of man. I enjoyed this version as it went out of its way to separate itself from the originals but keep the heart of what made them good. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – This sequel picks up several years after Caesar and the apes went into the woods to live away from mankind. During that time mankind all over the world has fallen because of the monkey flu. San Francisco is in ruins and what is left of the people who live there send a group of people into the woods looking for a dam. If they can fix it they can restore power to the city to stay alive. But the apes will not let it happen as they do not want humans near their home. It’s been a couple years since the apes seen one and was starting to believe all humans had died? In dire need of power a group of humans from the city go back and talk to Caesar to convince him this is the best and most peaceful solution. But just like humans the apes do not trust the other and one plans on killing Caesar making it look like the humans killed him. Caesar always believed apes were better but learns the hard way as both human and ape survivors lose their homes in a fight in the ruins of San Francisco. Caesar gathers the apes to leave knowing a war is coming as a military force has been finally contacted thus setting up the new sequel “War”. I give this sequel 3 stars as it was just enjoyable as the first film.

 

Lunarcop (VHS) – This relatively unknown 1995 Michael Pare flick was also known as “Solar Force” in some countries. Michael Pare is Joe Brody and it is 2050 A.D. as Joe is a policeman on a space station where humans are trying to restart life on earth. Several years back “The Big Burn” happened forcing what’s left of the human race to this space station or the rich people. There are rumors of savages on earth but the goal is to shoot this invention into the atmosphere to restart life on earth until it is stolen by rebels. So Joe must go to earth for the first time ever to retrieve this item. He hangs with the savages as he saves people from the evil Billy Drago who just wants to destroy nearby villages. When Joe is convinced he doesn’t need to return to space with the item a cyborg is sent for his destruction. I give the film 2 ½ stars as you can never have enough Michael Pare in your life.

 

Dracula 3-D (DVD) – This well criticized version of Dracula comes from the horror mind of Dario Argento. My main reasoning for watching this movie is Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. But even Hauer’s presence cannot help this lackluster version of the popular vampire. Yeah there is some cool scenes full of practical gore but the transformation scenes of Dracula are completely laughable as they are digital and look like total shit. For me at least the movie is watchable but nothing in the movie makes you want to pop this bad boy in the DVD player again? I give this not so great version of Dracula 1 ½ stars.

 

5-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Apparently San Juan has a shark problem and the shark mutates to have a fifth head coming from its ass! A professor and her interns are talked into searching for the beast by a money grubbing boss guy in San Juan. Once the interns begin to become lunch for the shark the professor turns to an old boyfriend for help as the local authorities don’t know if they can defeat the mutant shark either. Nothing to exciting but the shark does have a head on its ass giving a new meaning to “ass to mouth”! I couldn’t let that one go as I give this somewhat boring flick 1 star.

 

Mississippi River Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Random sharks come down the river to begin attacking a fishing contest. A contest that stars Jason London to send the fishermen and women out to the river and to sign autographs because of his action star status. Nowhere near the best of the SyFy Channel shark films but it is pretty entertaining for most of the movie as Jason London plays himself and we you get a couple of locals in the movie trying to catch fish/sharks with a tow truck. Fun stuff for those of us that have pretty much watched every shark movie that has come down the film pike… I give this shark flick 2 stars.

 

Trailer Park Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Great title, great concept, has an odd looking Tara Reid (eat a fucking burger woman), a little lean on characters but remember the title. Some rich asshole owns some land where some rednecks have their trailers at. He can’t get rid of them legally so he hires a guy to go blow up a levy that will flood the trailer park. Meanwhile some of the trailer park folk have figured a way to steal electric from the nearby levy. Levy blows up, takes out the trailer park and a few people, but a shark arrives also to attack the survivors. It is B-movie trash but has enough laughs to keep you entertained as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Toxic Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – A reality show throws up on an island for young single men and women to get drunk and hook up. Problem is the water is toxic and has affected a local shark that now spits green shit from its heads that burns you like acid; its bite can turn you into a zombie of sorts, and still tries to eat you. Horrible concept and that is a lot for me to say as it gets boring quickly. The only thing that can save this movie is if “Shark Exorcist” would have come and helped. This movie can go suck the poop from my butt as this movie was beyond terrible as I give it 0 stars. But hey, on the bright side let’s all hope for a sequel to “Shark Exorcist”!

 

Circus Kane (Vimeo/DVD) – An old famous horror host/circus entertainer named Circus Kane disappeared after a violent incident took place at his circus over twenty years ago. A couple decades have passed and some so-called social media stars or to be more specific media stars of the horror community receive a random text from the icon Circus Kane. Declaring he is back with a vengeance and the individuals that are receiving the text have a “once in a lifetime chance at $250,000”. All the social media stars have to do is show up at a location at a certain time and they will be taken to the Circus Kane event. Once there they realize they are at Circus Kane’s mansion which has been redone for the stars to make their way through the scary maze. And just to give the event that extra flare, everything that happens to the guests while in the maze is being filmed to be posted on their social media pages. It is a fun and bloody time directed by Christopher Ray and written by the duo of James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward. So some thinking went into this low budget project that also sports a cameo from Richard Moll (who by the way looks a lot like Angus Scrimm now) and a twist for the three to maybe revisit the Circus Kane character again. The movie has its drawbacks but the pace of the film is quick and entertaining and I absolutely love the concept of the horror version of the social media stars wanting in on the big bucks. For that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.poolpartymassacre.com .

 

Empire of the Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Another attempt from Asylum Entertainment trying to do a “Waterworld” type of movie with sharks and we have John Savage as a warlord who owns the ocean. Savage’s character is building a machine that will produce fresh water without the help of humans and brutalizes nearby floating villages for slaves and tributes. There latest attack they kidnap a blonde girl who unknown to them her father was a shark caller or shark thingy? Whatever, she can talk to sharks basically. When her friends are being attacked when they try to rescue her Savage and others try to read her mind so they can harness her power. This power could rule the world or what’s left of it?  Just like last year’s effort this fizzles out into a boring mess of a shark movie that needs more time or effort to even think of pulling off to make it remotely good. I give this shark flick 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #390

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Gross Movie Reviews #390

 

The Crooked Man (DVD/SyFy Channel) – During a sleepover a little girl is accused of killing her best friend. Now six years later she comes home from the hospital and the small town folks are not happy and neither is her former friends. Now six years older her friends are showing up murdered and the little girl is still blaming a dark figure called “The Crooked Man”. The only person that believes her is a mysterious private investigator who may have been the root cause years ago? The film stars Michael Jai White, Dina Meyer, and Amber Benson. Great cast, cool horror version of the nursey rhyme, and some pretty cool gore effects along the way as I give it 3 stars.

 

Day of Reckoning (DVD/SyFy Channel) – While fracking a big time gas company let loose an apocalypse! Demons rolled out of a crater and killed millions worldwide in a 24-hour period. 15 years have passed since then but there are crucial signs happening in the world saying the demons are coming back to finish what they started. Fun take on anti-fracking and it stars Barbara Crampton that’s enough for me to watch and give it two stars.

 

Stake Land II (DVD/SyFy Channel) – If you have trouble finding this vampire sequel it has been released under another title “The Stakelander”. Ten years have passed in the vamp-infested apocalypse. ‘The Mister’ moved on again into the wastelands/stake lands and Martin now has a wife and child in New Eden, Canada. But a new female vamp has organized not only vamps but humans who believe she is doing god’s work (The Brotherhood) and they have just killed Martin’s family. Now back on the road Martin enters the Stake Lands looking for ‘The Mister’ to find him, patch him up, and kill this female vamp leader! The sequel does a pretty good job in expanding the background of ‘The Mister’ but also continuing the storyline of the Martin and Mister characters. I enjoyed they brought in genre veteran Steven Williams for this bloody sequel and I still like the idea of vamps basically causing the apocalypse as I give this sequel 3 stars.

 

Shadows of the Dead (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Some high school kids decide to do an ‘Anti-prom’ at a remote cabin. A girl wonders off and finds herself become a vessel for a shadow creature. Friends try to get her help but their van crashes and they all end up in the hospital. After the funeral the friends find they have been marked with a weird bruise and now are being stalked by a dark creature that had taken over their friend in the woods. Only light can help them in this lackluster horror film that may help you find that fast forward button? I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Blood Soaked (DVD) – The film’s intro on the back of the box is “Lesbians vs. Zombies”… Okay, cool I am in of course until I watched it. Piper has just made the transition to college and makes a great friend in Ashley, since her boyfriend is banging the other hot girl at the generic Wal-Mart. The two are driving back a long lonely desert road when they are run off by two Nazi loving sisters. The sisters kill Ashley because she is a lesbian, kidnap Piper, make Ashley a zombie, Piper kills her, and they keep Piper captive. The film seems to be missing that extra something and got boring at times, stick with “The Green Room” folks you’ll thank me later as I give this one star.

anton-rook

Anton Rook: Scourge of the Vampire (DVD) – Anton Rook is an investigator of the strange and he needs to hire a new assistant. Rachel needing the money pretty bad makes a good case why she should be hired? So Rook has Rachel help him look into murder victims that have bite marks and been drained of blood. Anton quickly gets on the trail of the murderous vamps and Rachel helps dispose of them quickly to ensure her employment. The 32 minute film is a weird mix of old “Doctor Who” and “Masterpiece Theater” on PBS when I was a kid. The idea and characters are intriguing and can possibly make a fun feature length film or ongoing web series? I give this project 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more about the film or filmmakers can be found at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

 

Neighbor (DVD) – In a small mid-west town a professor brings back to life a mummy (named Ashley) to help him with the Mayan calendar and what it all means? Once awaken Ashley the mummy doesn’t care to help she just wants to feed on humans. The fate of the world now lies in all too curious boy and a luchador that has lost his way. The premise sounds interesting but not enough to make the project work as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars. Another project from: www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

 

Modesto (DVD) – A small town that is mostly controlled by one man, Mr. Kersey and he has a new visitor in town. Problem is this one man has to town with revenge and killing anyone in his way of destroying Mr. Kersey. Clint Eastwood perfected this movie concept but cool to see it tried on a small film scale but still only give it 2 out of 4 stars. More about the project can be found at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

children

Children of the Way (DVD) – Apparently the fine folks at Witch Doctor Films felt the same way about the Anton Rook character and threw him in a full feature to see if movie fans would embrace it? A young woman goes missing and her parents convince Anton Rook to take the case. Rook and his assistant investigate the disappearance and soon find out she was taken by a strange cult called ‘Clisthu’. It is even believed the cult has some supernatural power and has several community members under their power. Not a lot of action but a lot of dialogue… Again for me at least it’s an intriguing character but it is a weird mix of PBS stuff you would see late at night as a kid. Putting that out there I am not totally sold it can work in feature-length films as I also listened to an audio CD of Anton Rook. I know there is an audience for it and I may not be it in the long run but glad it exists and hopes the right people find this project and enjoy it as I give it 2 out of 4 stars. The project can be purchased at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

 

Empire of the Dark (DVD) – Steve Barkett is one of those weird people like us that love to make fun bad movies. No budget who cares Barkett is still going to make the film he wants too! Barkett did everything from directing to acting to catering to get this film made in 1990 like his underground apocalypse 1982 film “The Aftermath”. A police officer (Richard Flynn) receives a strange call from his former lover who needs help at her husband’s warehouse. Flynn arrives at the warehouse and finds himself choosing between a baby and his former lover in a different dimension or generic hell as I was calling it while watching. The baby is saved, girl dies, satanic ritual doesn’t happen… 20 years pass and some kid comes looking for Richard Flynn only Flynn is now a private detective living in the mountains taking sword lessons. Richard soon has to fend off demons again, satanic dudes wanting to do the ritual again, and sword-wielding minions that want to kill Richard! This is a perfect example of B-movie greatness. So get the beer, get hookers, get the firetrucks, get the farm animals and prepare yourself for some beautiful crappiness that needs to be witnessed and cherished! I give this flick a solid 3 stars just for being so bad it’s “Treasures of the Four Crowns” good.

 

Lurkers (DVD) – Cathy as a kid would see ghosts and such at her apartment. Cathy also believed her mother and the other kids that lived there were trying to kill her? 15 years later and still scarred from her horrific childhood and still blamed by her brother (who is a priest by the way) for their mother’s death is getting married. This guy is so perfect but Cathy keeps having weird supernatural occurrences and dreams telling her not to go home. But Cathy brushes them off to go with her soon to be husband to a work party that just happens to be in the same building she grew up at. Cathy haunted by this tries to escape but even on the streets she goes back to the building to try and face her fears and until she becomes one of the Lurkers? Yeah it sucks donkey balls folks and what doesn’t help is the VHS (if any left?) may be a better transfer than what is floating out there on DVD? Wanna be bored and feel like banging your head off the wall for 80 minutes or so then this one star horror film is for you!

 

Terror on Tour (DVD) – The film was finished in 1980 but not released until 1983 is about a generic “Kiss” band but they are called “The Clowns”. The band has a loyal following for their antics on stage. So loyal the police believe one of the members of the band could be murdering their fans? As the bodies pile up and the band’s popularity grows the real question becomes will anyone book them if everyone is being killed? I really enjoyed the concept of the film and could have been a cult classic of sorts. But inside it is a sad excuse for a slasher film, show a lot of weird 80s boobs, and not a ton of gore. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

Alien Origin (Blu-ray) – A found footage film about a Special Forces team and a journalist who go into the jungle for an investigation, they all disappeared shortly after in 2011. The footage appeared six months later and this was what happened. They supposedly found aliens that have the same DNA as us or another prime reason why I need to stop watching these types of shitty films… I give it 0 stars.

 

Lords of Light! The Story of Thundarr the Barbarian (YouTube) – A fun 20 minute short film and look back at one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons of all time. Interviews with creators Ruby and Spears, opens up some light on how they came up with the concept for the cartoon but how it did not last either? If you are old like me and remember Saturday morning cartoons this is worth the trip down memory lane and they claim “Star Wars” may have help them come up with the cartoon. I give it 4 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #383

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Gross Movie Reviews #383

 Terror

Terror at London Bridge (VHS/Comet TV) – Oh the days of TV movies of the 70s and 80s where to fill time slots during the summer they would make horrible movies with actors and actresses of popular network show… We have David Hasselhoff (1985) playing a detective in London, Arizona who is investigating odd murders on the London Bridge that has been brought to America brick by brick. But it is missing one from the Jack the Ripper days in the 1880s. The brick is found and sent to London, Arizona to have a celebration of completing the bridge. And now Jack the Ripper is back killing again in this NBC TV movie. The Hoff not enough? How about Stephanie Kramer from ‘Hunter’ TV show or Adrienne Barbaeu or Clu Glugar as The Hoff’s boss? The movie is bad but a very fun bad and nostalgic trip down TV movie memory lane. I also believe the film can be found in full YouTube. I give this masterpiece 2 ½ stars.

 

Unidentified (DVD) – A movie about four work friends heading out to Vegas for a weekend of fun. They take a side trip to a remote town only to be scared away before heading to Vegas to take off on some dude they owed money too. Once out in the desert they get lost and followed by something, aliens in this case. I really wanted to like this film but its shaky-cam and taking way too long building up the four friends makes it annoying. I like when horror flicks give characters some background but this went far above and beyond like it was hiding a weak film? If into these types of films maybe go with ‘Area 51’ or ‘As Far So Below’ as I give this stinker 1 star.

 

Fender Bender (DVD/Chiller Channel) – A serial killer in S&M gear when killing gets victims’ information by getting in fender benders. When he meets a new driver he stalks her in her friends in her house during a weekend that her parents go out of town. The trailers looked so much better than film. It had a great opening but from there its 80 minutes of the weird creepy stalking a teenager which more boring as the film goes on. It makes you think it could have a better short film than feature. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Crawlspace (DVD) – Mid-80s crazy Klaus Kinski who is the son of a Nazi doctor who is also obsessed with death. Oh yes fellow horror fans, this flick is well worth revisiting time and time again as Mr. Kinski’s character only rents out to cute college women. This is mainly because he enjoys stalking them with the old ductwork of the building but also because he is bat shit fucking crazy! A very underrated film from Empire Pictures that us old folk are trying to push upon the new generations of horror fans and for good reason as I give this 3 ½ stars.

 

Cast A Deadly Spell (DVD) – Fred Ward as Phillip Lovecraft, a private dick, set in the 40s where everyone has accepted witchcraft as everyday life except Lovecraft. Well David Warner’s character hires him to find a mythical thingy and bring it back to me in two days or for a special ritual that involves his virgin daughter. Cthulhu, demons, end of the world fun shit. So while Lovecraft finds the mythical thingy he also learns that may be bad to give it to David Warner. Great movie on several fronts: film noir genre, Lovecraft genre, creature genre, it has it all in this HBO production that most horror fans forget. I believe it’s because of the bad sequel that stars Dennis Hopper two years later which killed any chance of a series? But what do I know? Anyway if you are Cthulhu fan this film is well worth your time tracking down as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Johnny Mnemonic (DVD) – Keanu Reeves pretty much right after ‘Speed’ takes on a character where he is carrier of information where it’s uploaded into your skull in this futuristic film. A film that centers on the haves and the have nots. Johnny has uploaded more than he can carry in his mid and wants it out. But his boy Udo Kier has set him up as the information that was uploaded is a cure for the “shakes” or “black plague” I think they refer to once? But with the help of his bodyguard Dina Meyer and her scientist friend Henry Rollins they just might be able to get the information out without killing him. If the information doesn’t then Dolph Lundgren’s character “The Preacher” will! A mid-90s film which I thought was horrible when first released but for an odd reason has actually gotten better with age as I revisit the film every few years. If anything it is better than ‘Hackers’… I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Invisible Invaders (DVD/Theater) – Oh bless Bruce Lentz’s heart for showing this flick to me and a shitload of people. A late 50s film where invisible aliens land on earth and reanimate John Carradine’s corpse to threaten the world. Basically the aliens feel threaten by earthlings since they have developed the atom bomb and want to use it again. Hilarious B-movie action my friends and fun for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.

 

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (On Demand) – People are now threaten that Superman can kill all mankind at any point in time so Batman takes it upon himself to stop Superman himself. We are introduced to Wonder Woman and how the “Justice League” starts. It’s a fun popcorn movie nothing great. But just like the ‘Avengers 2’ and ‘Captain America: Civil War’ films they are filler until bigger things come along movie wise. Ben Affleck was okay, the death of Superman could have been its own flick, and Wonder Woman just like the new/old Spidey earlier this year stole the show. Sorry folks we all just need to calm down at times and just enjoy the escape these films can present as I give this 2 ½ stars.

 

Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (YouTube) – A film that just completely baffles a lot of us why this has not found its way on DVD. But also I remember when it was first made it wasn’t like the movie got released right away too so who knows why this film has issues getting out to us nerds. Anyway its anthology film set up by Jeffrey Combs playing H.P. Lovecraft, set in the 30s, going to visit a weirdo church/library thingy with crazy priests that watch over it. Mr. Lovecraft reads through “The Book of the Dead” not realizing it he is unlocking the Cthulhu. The stories involve a great cast in Bruce Payne, David Warner, Richard Lynch, and the beautiful Maria Ford (awesome actress with a great resume but no Kristy Swanson, Tiffany Shepis, or Kathleen Kinmont). The most intriguing thing of the film is Jeffrey Combs/Lovecraft looks a hell of a lot like ‘Army of Darkness’ Bruce Campbell? (Go to YouTube for the trailer and check out the comments many people agree). Another intriguing aspect of the film is Mr. Combs and Mr. Yunza did not get along on set as Mr. Combs did like how the Lovecraft character was portrayed. Okay film buffs go to Google machines as I go find a beer and give this anthology 2 ½ stars.

 

Atomic Shark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Jeff Fahey stars in a shark film where the shark is radioactive from possible radiation leaking from a sunken Russian sub or just the military testing bombs back in the day. Either way, interesting concept for a B-shark flick that also stars David Faustino as a dude trying to use drones to capture footage of babes on the beach. It’s all up to the wannabe Baywatch bunch and creepy Faustino to try and figure out how to kill a radioactive shark that melts its victims before it even gets to eat them. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Dam Sharks! (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Yep, the moment someone is really reaching for shark movie ideas. But shit, you know I will still watch… at least once! Jason London stars as a bloated rich dude who owns some weirdo computer business that comes up with inventions and decides his workforce needs a retreat weekend. Or at least the ones that survive the downsizing of his company. But they have bigger problems as sharks have infested a river where they were trapped and now become beavers of sorts as they use human victims as the building blocks for their dam. Yes you read that right kids. Damn you SyFy as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Ice Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Somewhere past Greenland in the Arctic Circle the ice is melting faster than researchers believe. So with this happening ancient sharks have appeared that never been seen before and now are breaking through the thin ice fucking people up. Who would have guessed it took this long to make a global warming shark flick where they would be in the Arctic? Now add in a Kurt Russell with a flame thrower this film may have been watchable as I give it 1 star.

 

Planet of the Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Absolutely loved how this one started out as ‘Waterworld’ with sharks on a low budget. But as usual my dreams of being just a crazy cheese ball movie are crushed when they try to give it a lackluster storyline of how the polar ice caps melted and the sharks now feast on humans since there is no fish left. This film really acts like a sequel to ‘Ice Sharks’? Wait… is this like ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ and ‘Cheerleader Massacre aka Slumber Party Massacre 4’ scenario? Shit! No, Michelle Bauer I’m out. When are yinz properly gonna steal ideas from my brain and have ‘Z-Nation’ meet ’12 Monkeys’ meet ‘Farscape’… with sharks? Come on SyFy don’t act like that’s a horrible idea. Nothing was more horrible than destroying this great low budget idea that I watched get crushed slowly into fecal matter aftermath for ‘Sharknado 4’, just sayin. I give the film ½ star, remember I did like the idea but that was before I seen it on film.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #361

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Gross Movie Reviews #361

 

By Tim Gross

 

Crimson Peak (Theater) – The best way to describe the film is the way Guillermo Del Toro described it as “gothic romance”. Here is the quick story; the dude that played Loki in “the Avengers” movies is inventor looking for money from big American companies to invest to help him finish it. Think of it as a Kickstarter campaign or Indie Go-Go. Well he gets denied by a big shot that just happens to have only one daughter and of course she isn’t married yet. Well Loki isn’t there so much for the money right now as he is looking for a new bride to take home to his sister to kill for the money… and incest. Things don’t go according to plan when the new bride keeps seeing ghosts in the broken down castle. Great atmosphere, great scenery, but blah overall on the ‘Hammer-lite’ flow.  It pretty much just exists and for that I just give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Night of the Wild (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Eric Red made a movie with Asylum Entertainment about meteors falling and causing all dogs to attack humans. Well most of the attacks looks like the dogs are wrestling or playing with the actors when they are not CG’d in. This movie tries hard not to be a pile of steaming poo but damn if you can’t get that scent out of your nose while watching it. Asylum stick with the ‘Shark Attack, Sharknados, and Shark whatever’ films as I give this flick 1 star.

 

Moonstalker (DVD-R/DVD) – The director of the 80s film “Hellgate” also did this flick too before disappearing from filmmaking land. It’s the middle of winter and a family is vacationing all by themselves in the middle of the woods. Until, an old dude rolls up sits down for some talk and cake and then unleashes his son! Who just happens to be a pillow sheet, straight-jacket wearing weirdo that goes and kills the family for their microwave? But that wasn’t enough for Bernie as he disguises himself as one of the incoming people to the ‘Wilderness Councilor Camp’. Then Bernie continues his slashing ways through the others. Movie was heavily influenced by “Friday the 13th”.  I give it 2 stars.

 

Goosebumps (Theater) – Now let me explain something here, “Goosebumps” the books and original TV series missed me by a few years. By time this book series became known and popular I was 17 or 18 years old and about to graduate. But several younger friends I had would always talk about this series for years to come. It was great PG-rated horror stuff for teenagers. So over the years the series has gone and came back and even had a new series come back for a couple years not too long ago but the movie should have happened 10 or 15 years ago. And that folks is the only bad thing I could say about the film. Now present day, Jack Black is R. L. Stine who has a daughter/Hannah/maybe and moves around a lot for unknown reasons. Cue in new boy movies in next door, Madison, Delaware, daughter takes an interest. Mr. Stine says, “Stay away!” New boy tries to be good about it until one evening he calls the police because Stine is screaming at Hannah. Worried and the police are about to file a false report warning against the young man he sneaks back in to check on Hannah with a friend a couple days later. When in they both find a room that has all the “Goosebumps” manuscripts written. Accidentally, one gets knocked down, opens and Sasquatch is loose! Hannah and the boys follow it and try to capture it but fail but get help from R.L. Stine. Mr. Stine explains this is the reason they keep moving because eventually someone opens one of the manuscripts and chaos ensues. But it’s too late as Slappy the Dummy is loose and plans on making sure none of them get sucked back into the books. This movie is absolutely wonderful and perfect. Again if it was made 10 or 15 years ago it’s “The Monster Squad” of that generation. I give the film 3 ½ stars and Jack Black was awesome as R.L. Stine. Critics get over yourselves this movie was good.

 

The Green Inferno (Theater) – College students join a major protestor that has arranged for them to fly into Peru and go chain themselves to construction vehicles that are about to destroy a jungle and an ancient tribe. The protestors want to protect them and film it for the world to see to help stop it. After the event they get back on a plane to go back to their hotel only for it to go down in the middle of the jungle and be capture by the ancient cannibal tribe in the aftermath. Once captured those who didn’t die almost want to as they witness some horrible imagery as they watch their friends be baked, sliced, and diced for meals. Never mind the head of the protest is a complete dickhead but adds to the horrific storyline. Congrats Eli Roth, you made your cannibal film. It was good. I enjoyed the tribes’ people and the storyline. It was a good, bloody, cannibalistic time and that is all I look for in this type of film. I am sure fans will call it Eli Roth’s “Cannibal Holocaust”, which it’s not but it is a must watch for cannibal fans. I give the fun flick 3 stars.

 

Knock Knock (On Demand) – So Eli Roth has been a busy man since he released this film also at the same time as “The Green Inferno”. Love the choice of Keanu Reeves as the lead but that is about all I enjoyed about the film. This film is about you are supposed to know males are pigs and do not trust another fucking soul on this earth especially if they have hacked your social media. Mr. Roth lets go make a sequel to “The Green Inferno” as I give this 1 star.

 

They Found Hell (SyFy Channel) – Scientists in training have figured out the doorway to hell by accident. They were trying to do the Jeff Goldblum thing with transferring an object from one place to another and thought they did it until it opened a hole in the ground that sucked them into hell. It’s a cool concept that may not have been executed correctly. But anyhow the students/scientists in training try to make their way through hell in hopes of finding the disc that can get them back through the portal. Monsters, zombies, and creatures of sorts constantly try to kill them, because it is hell… I could be wrong on this but I thought this could have made a great B-movie for SyFy Channel fans if they used it for another “Dungeons and Dragons” sequel or even a “In the Name of the King” sequel with Dolph Lundgren. I give it 2 stars.

Sequence

Sequence of Demise (YouTube) – A 27 minute film from director Jim Mitchell a few years back. The film lives up to its title as a quiet ride between three friends and a baby to the cemetery goes wrong quickly after two unknown men decide it’s time for  rape, torture, and murder. The independent short film from Mr. Mitchell comes off as an experimental film or first rough cut of what Jim Mitchell wanted on film. With that said it fits in with such films as “August Underground” or “Double Dose of Terror”. Usually not my cup of tea but if it is truly experimental and Mr. Mitchell seeing what he can do film wise it has me interested how he has progressed since 2008. It’s available on You Tube and worth checking out as I give 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #326

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Gross Movie Reviews #326

 

By Tim Gross

 

Chilling Visions: 5 States of Fear (Chiller Channel/DVD) – Another anthology from the horror channel Chiller that is now trying to not only have its own programming but buying different titles as they grow. First story was “Ego Death” where a man is haunted by a mistake he thought he buried? Second story which I thought was the best one is “Separation” where an old man is being forced from his home by his daughter because he may have memory loss? Great ending… Third story is “Mutilation” where a city couple goes camping on land that is declared a biohazard? It’s gory but you route for the stupid people to have a quick death to move on to the next story. The fourth story is “Extinction” where a young woman comes back from the dead to ask her mother to kill her murderer?  The fifth story is “Loss of Autonomy”. This one wasn’t bad but interesting as a woman who is getting divorced from her husband abuses him after he has a stroke. Anthologies can be tough because it’s hard to keep it going through all the stories so I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Deep in the Darkness (Chiller Channel/DVD) – This is the type of flick that pisses me off because when watching it I really want to like it not wanting the wife to be killed twenty minutes in. But anyway a family moves to a small community where they don’t have cable TV, have a curfew, and just happen to have some cannibalistic creatures hanging out in the woods that eats people who don’t obey the ways of the community. If it is 1976 this movie is relevant, but its 2014 this is not happening people. If it was my movie, wife dies twenty minutes in and my ass goes all “Day of the Dead” on the community and the creatures if I cannot make it out which the town has like one old ass cop… Fuck this flick it can go suck Mothra’s dick! I give it 1 star just because it had Dean Stockwell in it.

CURTAINS_BLUweb

Curtains (Blu-ray) – A long lost early 80s slasher that has been released on DVD in Canada a few years back and seen a horrible rerelease on one of those 6 or 8 packs at Wal-Mart. The film stars John Vernon who is known for his legendary roles in “Animal House” and “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. John Vernon is a director named Jonathan Stryker who is hard man to work with and has asked six actresses out to his home to audition for a legendary role! The six actresses work hard in the sheets or out of them to get the part of a lifetime. Soon they begin to die in great bloody fashion one by one with a storyline that gives you a little twist at the end that makes you wanna pay attention throughout the slasher film. This relatively unknown but considered a cult classic among some horror fans finally gets a proper release that it has always deserved. I say kudos to Synapse Films to possibly doing the best job ever in not only restoring an older horror film that looks absolutely beautiful on the Blu-ray format but also including some of the most interesting extras I have seen on a disc in quite some time. A true fan of the film will gush over the original behind the scenes footage and the new retrospective on the making of “Curtains”. Synapse Films did things with this film I did not think would be possible so with that horror fans you should not run, but rampage your way to www.synapse-films.com and pick up your copy now! I give 3 out of 4 stars for the film but 4 out of 4 stars for the overall packaging and release Synapse gives to us fans. Don May Jr. and all involved I applaud you.

 

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator (VHS) – Fuck yeah this horrible flick exists and if you are lucky you can watch it in all its horrible glory on YouTube! I give it 2 stars for just existing…

 

Endless Descent (VHS) – With “Leviathan” and “Deep Star Six” released around 1990 it’s no wonder that most horror fans didn’t know this straight-to-video release existed? But with its limited budget this sci-fi horror flick is a very watchable film about a submarine and its crew trying to find answers about another experimental submarine disappearing at the bottom of the ocean? I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Alien 2: Sulla Terra (VHS) – I live to abuse myself with horrible horror flicks as I found this Eye-talian “Alien” rip-off, sort of… Some so called geologists or whatever goes down into some caves only to be stalked by some weird creature that is eating them and times looks like a weird vagina eating people! You go watch this shit if you don’t believe me as I give it 1 star.

 

The Devil’s Rain (DVD) – This TBS Superstation classic proved why you don’t fuck with Ernest Borgnine as he is a leader of Satanists for the past 300 years or so who live in a ghost town and like to suck souls out of people that don’t believe. This 1975 classic had it all. William Shatner getting tortured, Tom Skeritt pissed because the locals refuse to help, and a young John Travolta! I hate to tell today’s filmmakers this Satanist flick kicks your PG-13 shit right in the fucking nutsack and makes you get on your knees to praise Ernest Borgnine  as one bad ass devil worshipper. Give the flick 3 ½ stars and hail Satan!

 

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (DVD) – It may star Debbie Gibson, Elisabeth Rohm, and that “Stargate” TV dude in this disappointing mutant animal mash-up. Mega Shark is loose and threatens humanity so the military builds a mechanical shark to fight back before Mega Shark eats everything. This movie seems boring and uninteresting unlike the many that have come before it like it is missing something like a Vernon Wells or a Corin Nemac? I would stare clear of this flick and stick with some of the past Asylum Entertainment mash-ups as I give this flick 1 star.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy (Theater) – If anything this film proves Marvel can do anything at this point. After a kid is abducted when he was twelve and he becomes a ‘Ravager’ which retrieves things legally and illegally for a price. Now as an adult or Starlord he enjoys being known as is asked to retrieve a rock that just so happens to have an ancient power source that could destroy planets. Soon in a space prison with a talking tree, a green woman assassin, a talking mutant raccoon, and a muscle bound lunatic they make a plan to break out of the space prison and go find this stone to get paid. If they can work together long enough they may just save worlds. Like I said, Marvel can do anything now and this film proves it as this isn’t your run of the mill comic book characters everyone knows. The “Guardians of the Galaxy” universe is lesser known to the mainstream but has a huge rabid following among comic book readers for years. James Gunn and company have made a Marvel movie that may appeal to all audiences as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Sharknado 2: The Second One (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Ian Ziering and Tara Reid travel to New York for family time and a book signing only to be followed by a couple “Sharknados”. Movie loses a little of its cheese the first flick had and gains a crap load of cameos that if you blink you may miss one of them? This time around Ian’s character is faced with even a bigger challenge: double the amount of “Sharknados” and Tara Reid missing a hand it doesn’t stop him from chainsawing up a few sharks and almost blowing up entire building to stop the catastrophic event! I will say this with a third film in development they may have to have alien sharks or have it set in space as you watch this sequel the bad idea but fun to watch is coming to an end. I give this fun cameo-filled sequel 2 ½ stars and pray we get Sharknado vs. Leprechaun vs. Jason X on Earth 2!!! Oh yeah I went there…

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #308

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Gross Movie Reviews #308

 

By Tim Gross

 

Return to Class of Nuke ’Em High Volume One (Theater/Blu-ray) – Recently Uncle Lloyd decided it was time to revisit the classic series and revive it with an entry that goes the route of the latest “Star Trek” films of being: a remake, sequel, and everything in-between. You know the film is going to be epic when Stan Lee is the first face you see and a few minutes later Lemmy from Motorhead is the president of the United States and he has subtitles. Sometime has past and society has changed and it isn’t cool to make fun of toxic waste and nuclear energy. So now, Lloyd Kaufman the president of “Tromorganic Foodstuff Products” and he supplies most of Jersey and the new Tromaville High School with food. But this is only a subplot of the film as the film revolves around two girls’ name Lauren and Chrissy who are learning to get along. But when a leak of Tromorganic green liquid gets in the school lunch soon the drama department becomes “The New Cretins”! And then no one is safe as they terrify the school and its students but soon Lauren and Chrissy have odd dreams or nightmares of having giant dicks and beating up The New Cretins. The film is a lot of fun and is reminder of how good the original is, was, and always will be … but I also believe this is a film for the new generation of Troma fans which will look upon on this great flick just like the first generation of Troma fans look at: The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Of course Troma believes nothing is untouchable as they make fun of: House Foreclosures, Jerry Sandusky, CNN covering school shootings, illegal downloading, blogging, people with diabetes, the glee club, Obama Care! If that wasn’t enough Debbie Rochon, Cigar face, and quite a few other characters from past Troma films make an appearance so pay close attention. The movie was perfect and one of the best films of 2013. The only thing I could find to complain about is of course they shot so much fun stuff for the film they had to split it into two films. I give this newest classic from Troma 4 stars.

 

Dark Shadows (DVD) – Johnny Depp brings the character of Barnabus Collins to life in this film adaption of a 70s daytime television cult favorite. It’s 1972, and Mr. Collins has been asleep for a very long time only to wake up and find out his family business is in shambles and the witch that cursed him is still alive and trying to get rid of his descendants by any means necessary. But Barnabus is not all about sucking blood from people’s necks as he would like the curse to be lifted to live out his life. The movie is nor good or bad more of a time filler until you find something better. I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Beneath (Chiller TV/DVD) – Five teenagers have just graduated high school and want to have one last party before they go their separate ways. They decide they want to boat across the lake but only Johnny knows they shouldn’t because of the legend that lives in the lake. Persuaded by the girl he wants but can never have to help them get across things go bad when they decide to take a swim once out in the middle of the lake. That is when the film becomes more than just an ordinary lake creature film and the characters bicker about who should live and who shouldn’t so others can survive. By the end the creature feature becomes a mean spirited story of what teenagers can be like these days? It is a little different; a little bit interesting, a creature feature that rethinks the usual formula of your usual present day killer fish monster film! I give the flick 3 stars and believe more horror fans need to give this a second look.

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (DVD) – Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as the eccentric investigator Sherlock Holmes as he must deal with his companion Watson getting married and not wanting to solve any mysteries any longer. But when one man who believes he is smarter than anyone in the world involves Watson and his new wife, he must help Holmes solve and save the world that cause world war. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as an actor and enjoyed the first film but believe this entry was more to just fulfill a contract more than adding just inspiring to the series. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Skyfall (DVD) – The latest in the new Bond films starring David Craig as 007 dies at the beginning of the film or thought to be dead when trying to stop a man who is stealing secret identities of agents undercover for MI6. Several months go by and no James Bond and that’s when the cyber-terrorism begins as names begin to leak out on YouTube and it’s all aimed at M for something she did in the past. Bond seeing this on a television far from his old home feels he is needed to get back in the secret agent game and help M. M knows even if Bond is in poor condition he is the best chance to save MI6 and bringing down those who are creating the cyber-terrorism attacks. The film goes full circle, excites old school Bond fans, and begins anew. If you were a fan of Sean Connery or a fan of Roger Moore like I was this Bond brings you more interested than ever about what’s the next Bond film?! If you were any type of Bond fan do yourself a favor and see this film as I give it 4 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (DVD) – A children’s story with a new horror twist to it. Apparently, Hansel and Gretel were orphaned so they wouldn’t be sacrificed and grew up to hate and hunt witches for a living. The film asks if you the viewer checks your brain at the door and enjoy the crazy over the top storyline with shitty computer effects. The film was a little better than a pile of shit I thought it would be but I believe this project should have been a SyFy Channel exclusive as I believe horror fans would have been more accepting and would have at least tuned in to watch it when it premiered? I give it 2 stars.

 

Zombie Nightmare (DVD) – Jon Mikl Thor stars as a man who has just been killed by some young party goers who just poured out of a high class bar. Thor’s mother is owed a favor by the local voodoo witch in town who brings his back to life to seek revenge. Did I mention we have Adam West as a detective and Tia Carrere as one of the young party goers? And yes its 1986… It’s very bad but in such a great “USA Up All Night” way where you are waiting for Rhoda Shear to cut in every ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 stars.

Hellinger

Hellinger (DVD) – A little girl named Melissa 20 years ago is eating with her father who despises her. He despises Melissa so much he taunts her with her favorite stuffed animal until Melissa wishes him to be dead. Then evil is born. Within seconds a strange dark figure appears and ends Melissa’s father in a very gruesome way. 20 years has past and Melissa is still afraid of the darkness and believes what came to murder her father that night 20 years ago still sits and waits in the darkness for her. Melissa still distraught by the darkness is seeing a doctor to help her through her past of what she calls the darkness. But let’s not forget Melissa now all grown up may be still afraid of the darkness but has time to boink the fuck out of her boyfriend before he becomes a gory mess at the hands of the strange darkness. The film plays out like an odd independent homage of “Hellraiser” that may have been misunderstood in 1997 but if made today with a little more money I could see a huge following for the strange film about a priest named Father Donaldson who had his own ideas of how his religion should be followed. Gore, boobs, and strange shit about darkness makes this shot on video flick a must see for the fans of independent cinema as a give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Carnage Road (DVD) – “Hellinger” filmmaker Massimilano Cerchi directs, John Polonia wrote the screenplay, and the editor is Mark Polonia make this modern shot on video slasher interesting enough. The film centers around four photography students who go out to the Nevada desert to get the best pictures for their project. Little they know “Quiltface” is awaiting their arrival. Quiltface is a legend about a disfigured person who lives out in the desert killing those who get lost there. Or if you go by what I say: its Leatherface’s second cousin on his mum’s side and has the fat bootleg version of Bill Moseley to help, as he only goes into town to get shit paper. And these two enjoy collecting fresh body parts especially if they are stupid college students who don’t believe in the legend of Quiltface. I give the shot on video flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Better Off Dead (DVD) – A very offbeat comedy from 1985 that stars John Cusack as Lane, a high school teenager who can’t catch a break as he can’t make the ski team and his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) Beth just broke up with him with the ski team president. So Lane spends a lot of the film trying to come up with funny ways to commit suicide until Monique the foreign exchange student from across the street takes notice and wants to help him out of his funk of trying to commit suicide or trying to find a way to impress Beth again. Meanwhile Lane’s best friend Charles Demar isn’t helping much as he just wants good drugs in their lame ass town. The film is a great 80s flick that sums up a lot about the decade and this film is still considered a huge fan favorite. I give the great flick 4 stars.

 

Zombie Night (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Anthony Michael Hall dips his toe into the lower budgeted zombie genre with his role as a father trying to protect his daughter and wife (Darryl Hannah) from hordes of flesh eaters. Take it or leave it kinda of film that was kinda fun to watch Anthony Michael Hall fucking up zombies to save his family. Too bad there was no Judd Nelson. I give it 2 stars.

 

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