Gross Movie Reviews #482

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Gross Movie Reviews #482

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (DVD) – Even the flick is released in 2014 under the Troma label it is set in 2007 on Columbus Day weekend. Lloyd and others had nothing to do with this film other than picking it up for distribution so don’t get all crazy if and when I do not like the flick. On this so-called holiday weekend a group of women go into the Everglades to party hardy! Only one of them made it out to tell the story and this is her story. Supposedly every few years weird shit happens around Columbus Day in the Everglades and that didn’t stop these college girls looking for a good time. Supposedly it is haunted by a Seminole spirit who has a few things: a cage for his captured white woman, a trailer for him to hang out at and his dead wife, a ham sandwich for his white woman, and a boat to ride across the swamps. Okay now saying this out loud I believe this film is hilariously awesome in such a bad way as you should only watch with friends. Honestly I was expecting more boobs but I will forgive yinz as just writing this review made me laugh as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Naked Massacre (DVD) – Right out of the gate in this flick we are introduced to violence as a Vietnam vet sits and witnesses first hand a church bombing in Belfast. Supposedly a couple sources claim this film was based on the Richard Speck murders? It’s 1975ish and this US vet is wandering the streets of Belfast until he walks past a house full of nurses. This soon becomes his obsession as he watches day and night until his opportune time to make his move inside claiming he just wants money to get home? But quickly after the women are bound it becomes clear this vet is here to slowly torture and rape these innocent nurses. A pretty fucked up movie that I am surprised more the horror community hasn’t stumbled upon and made a bigger deal out of it as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Exterminators of the Year 3000 (Blu-ray) – I will be honest I thought I watched or tracked all the Eye-talian, Spanish, Canadian, etc. post-apocalyptic flicks I could find last year… Well I missed one and this was some good post-apocalyptic fun! A lone stranger only known as Alien wanders the Wasteland to come across a kid who wants to help his village get water. The world of course has turned into a desert a kid Timmy believes he is the last hope since his father didn’t come back. He hitches a ride with a group of villagers who must travel a horrible road of 180 miles that has crazy ass bikers led by a bad bootleg Vernon Wells. The bikers kill the group but know the water’s location now. Timmy is picked up along the way by Alien only to be sold out to the biker gang and have robotic arm ripped out. Nothing here to explain Alien is just like, “I know an old guy that can fix that”. So while Timmy gets fixed up, Alien with his sidewhore oh I mean ‘Trash’ go get the water. Of course Alien wants it for himself to sell to the highest bidder but has a change of mind when he takes on the crazed bikers by himself in his steel plated car called “The Exterminator”. Not much plot wise but still a lot of fun especially when they all just totally get why the kid is a cyborg or something as I give this gem 2 ½ stars.

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: Troma Edition (DVD) – Most likely Troma’s biggest fan Addison Binek known for his riffs on so many movies decided to put together a collection of Troma riffs. Now Addison being a smart dude didn’t just go for any Troma titles he went for the second tier! Maybe the lesser known to some to maybe open some eyes new to the Troma or Addison Binek world. Here is the list he tackles: Rabid Grannies, Hectic Knife, B.C. Butcher, Troma’s War, Getting Lucky, Redneck Zombies, Slaughter Party, and Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods. Now not all titles were from the minds of Lloyd and Mr. Herz but some brilliant pick-ups for the label a fun selection that makes you wonder where Addison gets all that Troma money for the props. And instead of condemning something of this nature Lloyd embraces Addison’s fandom and intelligence to put together a great product for all of us movie lovers to enjoy as once again I give his project 4 stars.

 

Serial Killer Massacre (DVD) – A 1997 title that you may have not heard much about as it was released to DVD as “Dying to Meet You”. A poorly written S.O.V. flick about two sadistic killers who find love with each other after trying to murder each other. When that doesn’t go well they decide, “Let’s Fuck”… Because nothing says lead up to bumping uglies like some bad wrestling on a floor with knives. The idea wasn’t a bad one just everything else was bad about it. If you just wanna film some mock film but two sadistic real-life lovers I am sure there is a category on PornHub for you? With a little direction, a little tweak in script, and not spending over 50 minutes on the dude alone in the film even before you hint the couple will be a couple and there could have been movie magic. Instead we get what looks like a bad attempt at a soft-core porn video that was just meant for them and none of us to see and that may have been for the better as I give it 0 stars.

 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (On Demand) – It has been five years since the giant radioactive lizard had shown up in San Francisco and of course us humans suck huge ball sack! Now the monsters are being released one by one to possibly keep Earth in balance until it is learned Ghidorah is not of this Earth and may be here to actually form it into his own. Which means Godzilla is here to save the humans… maybe. It is an absolute fun giant rubber monster flick that gets you very excited for Kong’s return. Yeah at times it seems the actors get in the way of the story but they are there to keep the story moving and who doesn’t love Charles Dance aka Brother Nupsie as the villain. Honestly not a lot can be said other than if you like the past giant rubber monster movies then you will enjoy this if not most likely you will never understand it as I give the film 3 ½ stars, now bring me Kong.

 

Killersaurus (DVD) – A UK flick that does their own bootleg generic version of “Carnosaur” where some research scientists literally will a dinosaur into existence with a 3-D printer! I don’t know if I should laugh my ball bag off or just be disappointed it took this long for this idea to be put to screen? With such an awesome beginning premise for a film it soon turned into a stale turd as people just keep talking about the dinosaur behind the door. And once seen it’s in horrible red light to hide the bad effects and it doesn’t eat everybody… For the love of Rutger Hauer I wanted a cheap dinosaur rampage movie instead got something that was a poor excuse for a film and Dollar General I want my two bucks back as I give it 0 stars.

 

Zombie Tidal Wave (SyFy Channel/DVD) – So Ian Ziering won’t go away but that isn’t such a bad thing when it comes to cheap weirdo shark and zombie films that show up on SyFy Channel once a year. Ziering is a lifelong seaman who encounters a blue weirdo out at sea that has just bitten one of his friends. Rushing back inland for help apparently this odd blue light out at sea starts off a zombie apocalypse that is brought in by a tidal wave onto a small town in Thailand I believe? Anyway next thing you know a bunch of random zombies and blue zombies begin chomping their way through the populace. The film has its moments of cheese but just for old 80s creature movie sake (Humanoids from the Deep) I had hopes of them explaining or doing a little more buildup of the pharmacy crap that supposedly went down in 1985 story wise? Anyway: blue zombies, Ian Ziering, an electrified knife, all this 2 star movie was missing was hot mess of a woman Tara Reid’s jacked up boob!

Slaughterhouse Massacre (DVD) – This odd low budget horror film that I guess could be classified as a slasher was a little bit of a surprise. Wasn’t expecting much but of course had massacre in the title so I needed to watch it. Anyway a group of friends leave Dallas College onto a party where this group learns of an urban legend “Marty Sickle”. Supposedly Marty lived in a local slaughterhouse and was accused of murder but the charges could not stick. So some of the locals took upon themselves to serve justice… it was like an alternate version of “Pledge Night”? So the four college kids head to the slaughterhouse to pussyfoot around and BINGO! They disturb Marty Sickle who really wasn’t dead and pissed enough he starts hacking the four to bits. This is one those enjoyable gory Indy flicks that make you glad it exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

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Gross Movie Reviews #481

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Once again he has been drinking and writing again!

 

Gross Movie Reviews #481

 

Troma’s War (DVD) – A late 80s Troma film that I have always avoided for no good reason. I have always been told by a lot of Troma fans this might be their least favorite of the first generation of Troma films… That isn’t a bad thing, it’s not like the film exactly fits the mold of Troma at the time but who knows? A plane full of Tromaville people crashes somewhere in the area of the Caribbean Islands. Unsure exactly what happened or how survivors are scattered trying to figure out how to survive on the island. But bad news for the survivors as they explore because there is a group of renegade armed personnel preparing for war! The survivors must fight for their lives in order for survival and possible rescue. Overall the movie is a Troma flick but seems to be missing something but also it does run much longer than it needs too which can be bad for any movie as I give it 2 stars.

 

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (DVD) – Imagine a direct-to-video flick about an airplane hijacking that takes place during a death metal concert on board a plane. Sounds awesome but is completely disappointing as Rutger Hauer like everyone else shows up for their paycheck as a bootleg of a bootleg of a bootleg Marilyn Manson dude named Slade Craven goes all Steven Seagal on people. Including flying the fucking plane to safety! It begins with the F.B.I. tracking down a hacker who hacks into the concert footage. The agent goes rogue to arrest him until while doing that someone is murdered on the plane supposedly by Slade Craven? Then it turns into we are going to crash the plane into some small church in Kansas City that happens to be the ‘Gates of Hell’ to bring about Satan. Hate to tell you filmmakers even Satan is disappointed in your schlock you put on film and God isn’t thrilled either since I had to watch it as I give it crap! I love Rutger Hauer and this had a great cast but this film is a prime example of actors just doing a job for a paycheck or fulfilling a contract with a studio.

Massacre Up North (DVD) – A Canadian S.O.V. flick from 2001… Yes, I know they were still shooting on video in 2001 that is a whole other conversation. But anyhow the film opens with a couple rubbing privates together until someone in a medieval knight costume starts slicing and dicing them. This happens because 20 years ago a young kid is burned inside a tent during an innocent camping trip by his father accidentally. Upset with the world as Leslie goes through life with scars he kills his parents to make it look like an accident and sets up the rest of the film. Not totally sure where the knight costume fits into the Leslie’s murderous wrath but it is the climax of a movie that leaves you asking questions like: Why was I watching this again? I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Past Midnight (DVD) – This little thriller starring Rutger Hauer, Clancy Brown, and Natasha Richardson is absolutely amazing treat from 1991. Ben Jordan has just got out of jail on parole after 15 years for killing his wife and unborn child at the time in 1975. Once out he must see his social worker Miss Mathews who believes he might be innocent so she begins to dig. She takes such an interest in the case it blurs her vision on what is actually right and wrong. This allows the story to linger and keep the viewer guessing until the last four minutes of the film of wandering if Ben is the actual killer. A fun first viewing of this Rutger Hauer film that will now go into my regular rotation as I give it 3 stars.

 

MIB International (Theater) – So they made another film trying to branch out without having Will Smith or anybody else that was connected to the originals. This takes place over in the U.K. (again that is why it’s called International… I guess). Anyway there might be a mole in the agency that might be leaking secrets again and it’s up to a vet Chris Hemsworth and a rookie Tessa Thompson to figure out how to save the world. Maybe it’s me; maybe it should have been left alone? But this entry was horrible as much as I may have found a movie that will put me instantly asleep when needed. I was expecting a little more because of the chemistry between Hemsworth and Thompson but for me at least it just never happened. Overall I just wanted Tommy Lee Jones back if that was possible as I give this poor or maybe just uninteresting entry 1 ½ stars.

Teenage Zombie House Massacre (DVD) – A 36 minute film from 2000 that was shot in black and white from some dude in Ohio that has long disappeared from the independent scene. This sort of feature is based around teenagers who decide it would be a good idea to party in the local haunted house that has a history. By the time they get settled into the abandoned house to rub privates if not themselves with lots of drinking it is too late. The zombies that have been lying in waiting for victims to come to house are out and about and eating the partying teenagers. This film is so rough but is a fun reminder of the independent stuff that popped up randomly in video stores in the late 80s. So for nostalgia effect thank you but overall this movie needed lots of work but you had me at the title as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

House Guest Massacre (DVD) – Alex Vincent of “Child’s Play” fame goes the route of John Saxon in doing a film himself sort of. The film is now known as only “House Guest” I am guessing to resell it to horror fans that didn’t catch on the first time around? But anyway Alex wrote the screenplay, stars in the film, and composes the music in this modest budgeted $100,000 plus Indy film where he and his sister have a party. Jen and Rob’s parents are out of town and invite a select few friends in for a fun night of drinking. Until the one dude’s father shows to hang with them: spoiler alert he is the killer if you didn’t guess after seeing the dark black hair dye ten minutes before he arrives at the door. Besides it being weird dad shows up to hang out with mid-twenty something son he kills any chance of this film being interesting of his son getting it on with Jen! Now, I wasn’t expecting the next “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” but if Alex Vincent didn’t have anything to do with this film everyone would just laugh at this film even being thought of. Prove me wrong as I give this a ½ star for trying to fit in a senior citizen as a crazed serial killer.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #480

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Gross Movie Reviews #480

 

Valet Girls (On Demand) – Thanks to my good friend from across the pond James Peter Cox, he help me find this lost Empire Pictures flick that Charles Band has yet to abuse recently. It has cameos from former porn stars Ron Jeremy and Barbara Dare! For the most part this sex comedy that is more about comedy than sex is about Lucy and Rosalind and their misadventures as “Valet Girls” in Hollywood. All they want is to be famous but have to deal with dickholes Dirk Zebra and his sexual harassment antics. These young ladies are just trying to make it in the rock-n-roll business but in the meantime dress slutty for their job of parking cars. Most of this B-grade sex comedy takes place at a mansion that is basically supposed to be the Playboy mansion. But the girls get them all back when they are able to get the press in to see the underbelly of business in Hollywood. It is nowhere near as fun as “Hardbodies” but well adding that notch in your belt of 80s sex comedies that need to be seen as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blink of an Eye (DVD) – Arie Lombardozzi goes with a subtle statement short film that I believe can be taken in several ways depending what frame of mind you are in watching it? And that is a good thing in my book when reviewing independent stuff. A typical family of four is going through the routine of life. They are convincing themselves they are they are living a dream, meanwhile death is watching nearby creeping closer and closer. I enjoyed a couple things about this: first, everyone is faceless including the well-shot scene or scenes in the car dealership… Bravo my friend! And second, I believe you could watch this several times and have a different opinion each time of what is being portrayed. So for that Arie I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.deathdealerproductions.com .

Closing Time (DVD) – Well for the love of Rutger Hauer… Jim Roberts went and did it again as he made a wonderful independent horror film again and possibly the most serious to date. But don’t let that scare you off this mixture of paranormal, gangster, western, splatter film… Yeah that is the best way to describe this fun feature. A young man named Eddy just receives news his father died in an accident that was possibly caused by another young man Steve whose father owed money to Eddy’s father. Eddy not taking kindly to this and waiting for his father to get cold in the ground decides it is time to collect and get revenge with a little help from some friends. Eddy’s brutal take down of Steve’s western store goes well at first until the Native American spirits decide to pick sides and turn this revenge flick into full on splatter flick! The spirits want blood and sure get it as they fuck up Eddy and his cohorts. Jim Roberts is an amazing filmmaker the world has yet known but be prepared because if he keeps making wonderful entertaining horror films like this Hollywood will be calling as I give 3 out of 4 stars. Once again Jim proves he needs little money and some help from his dedicated friends to pull off a horror film that is more interesting than 99% of the shit you watch in 2019… Thank me later after you buy it!

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 1 (DVD) – Okay if you haven’t heard of Addison Binek it is time you do. This dude does riff trax for flicks, all kinds of flicks and even got Lloyd Kaufmann’s blessing. In the same vein as MST3K but he does it in like 20 minutes or so for each flick. With his YouTube channel under attack by YouTube as many others are Addison has decided to put out DVD collections of some of his best Riffs and damn it they are hilarious. In this collection Addison covers: Sharktopus, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Snow Shark, Sharks in Venice, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Super Shark, Raiders of the Lost Shark, Psycho Shark, The Last Shark, and Creature from the Haunted Sea. He does these films in some of the most prop filled and hatred towards SyFy Channel I have ever seen… And I laughed my ass off! Mr. Binek doesn’t take them too serious but his hatred at times is his love for cinema just coming through and telling the truth that people don’t wanna hear. Addison is absolutely brilliant and hilarious and gave some awesome quotes like “Bloody shark hand stigmata” and “Oh, a found footage movie from the future, GREAT!” If you need a laugh and wanna hear what we all been thinking when watching these flicks then do yourself a favor with this 4 stars entertainment all the way.

 

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 2 (DVD) – Addison Binek is back riffing on aquatic animal movies to my liking and less angry and just accepts how bad some of these are. This time around Mr. Binek almost makes me piss myself laughing when he tackles: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Sharkansas Women’s Prison, Piranha 3DD, Shark Exorcist, and Blood Beach. Yeah there is still a little SyFy Channel bashing but we do get a great line like “Are those giant balls?” Instead of anger we get Addison just enjoying what these movies are and that is they are just bad which for me is a good thing as I give this collection 4 stars again all the way!

 

The Hornet’s Disciple and the Scars She Left (DVD) – There is some talented independent filmmakers out there and then there is Dustin Mills. The man is constantly working and never doing the same thing horror wise. He is always trying to stretch the genre in so many ways to his vision. This film is no exception… For me a very hard watch as it’s not my usual cup of tea as it is in the vein of “A Serbian Film” or “August Underground”. This isn’t good or bad as Dustin is constantly trying to do something different constantly and I believe he is succeeding. The story revolves around a young lady Rose whose puts out ads looking for other young ladies who are into fetishes, pictures, videos, bondage, etc. Rose is looking for new sexual content for her website and is constantly upfront about what she wants. Everything is hunky dory with her newest actress/project Finley until Finley comes to the understanding what is actually happening and just hopes to get out alive! Rose abuses Finley until she comes to the revelation there has to be one that gets away? Is it possible if we look deeper into this content that it’s about a young lady like most today under the age of 30 are desensitized to everything now? Or is it just about a ruthless, sadistic, brutal woman who likes abuse in some way? Not totally sure but I do know this is a hard watch but give credit to Roni Jonah for being amazing in her role as Rose as I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. Again the film is not my cup of tea but I and Dustin know there is always an audience for this.

 

Machete Joe (DVD) – Well this low budget flick started off great and then quickly went into the pooper. The film is about a couple of filmmakers who have two different visions on what the low budget film they are filming is about. But of course they casted it and are filming at a haunted castle (supposedly) with not a full script called, “Machete Man”. Once everyone is there slowly the crew is being picked off. The film tries to be a ‘Who Dun it?’ kinda of flick but if you make it to the end you don’t really care as I give this bad movie 1 star.

 

Toilet Gator (YouTube) – “When you see the brown eye someone will die!” Yep the filmmaker tells you this before the movie gets started and it spends twenty minutes of the 60 minute film introducing the characters in a New York City apartment building. The toilet gator becomes a reality when famous child star Johnny Beaver flushes a pet alligator down the toilet before his mom knows he spent 500 bucks on it. Two weeks later it jumps out of someone’s toilet and attacks. Oh believe me it is worse than you can ever believe but leave it to me to sit back and find some weird enjoyment of this mid-90s Indy film no one heard of.  This was horribly bad until we get a dude fighting the toilet gator with a plunger and for that I give it a ½ star.

 

The Osterman Weekend (DVD) – This 1983 film stars Rutger Hauer and just about everybody else you can think of. Rutger Hauer is a TV personality named Tanner who looks to expose things politically for the people on live TV by interviewing government persons when possible. The CIA comes to believe that all of Tanner’s friends from Berkley are helping the Russians and plotting something big. They use an agent to help Tanner to turn his yearly retreat with his friends into a possible turning a friend into a spy against the Russians. Everything of course is for U.S. security but as the weekend goes along Tanner becomes more upset as his friends become unglued and the real reasons of their meetings are revealed. A very interesting film on privacy, government, and a few other things that are in the news now over 36 years later more than ever. For that folks I give this wonderful spy movie 3 ½ stars.

 

Alley Cat (DVD) – A wonderful B-movie action flick where a young lady (Billie) has had enough after her grandparents have been mugged. She tries to do it the right through the court system but gets in trouble for helping a rape victim and decides it is time to use her karate moves to jack up some dumb ass loser dudes that keep causing chaos in her life. We get everything to Billie fighting cops to her setting up her own rules in women’s prison until she can get out and kick ass! Fun B-movie stuff that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #479

0

Gross Movie Reviews #479

 

Fist of the Northstar (DVD) – Gary Daniels stars in this movie adaption a very popular comic in 1995 where he is a warrior in a post-apocalyptic landscape that must restore balance to the world. He is a warrior named Kenshirô who has been forgotten and believed dead until he resurfaces years later on a new path to fight Lord Shin who has kept the world in chaos. Has some Hollywood names and Gary Daniels did fine but the film has not aged well since its cable television premiere. Does it deserve a reboot? Possible but most likely get the same response when it first was released which wasn’t much here in the states as I give it 2 stars.

 

Escape Plan 3: Extractors (On Demand) – Stallone, Batista, and 50 Cent are at it one more time as a former associate’s son seeks revenge by kidnapping Stallone’s girlfriend and taking her to a hideous Russian prison. Not ground breaking but entertaining action sequel that keeps your interest enough to finish it and whet your appetite for the new Rambo film coming as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (DVD) – This Hammer film takes a little different take on the story as Dr. Jekyll is a scientist who is married to his work. Constantly experimenting he believes he may have found something that could revolutionize the world. In past versions of this story Jekyll turns into a horrible looking Mr. Hyde. Where in this version is the complete opposite where Jekyll turns into a handsome Mr. Hyde who spies on his wife banging Christopher Lee and flaunting it all around town while he works day and night. For Mr. Hyde it is not enough he wants to relish all the sins of the night life until it’s too late and he tries to fake his death. Not the best Hammer flick definitely worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Fisted! (DVD) – It is that time of the year again where friends head to the woods to have fun. But that comes to a screaming halt as giant ants eat porn stars doing their thing and a dude named Jerklin Boy destroys his victims with his ‘Fist’! When this killer uses his fist on his victims their heads explode. The Jerklin Boy looks like a generic Leatherface which only adds to the hilarious kill scenes in this Tom Martino feature. If that wasn’t enough Joe Garcia makes sure you will never look at a potato the same again. I laughed my ass at least a dozen times watching this as Mr. Martino has his own unique style of storytelling and makes his own movie rules up. “Fisted!” is entertaining as hell but not for the humans that have no humor in their lives as I give this feature 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.DWNProductions.net .

 

Eyes of Fire (DVD) – In 1750 a couple kids wandering the woods along the river bank are picked up and tell a French soldier a tale of why they left a haunted forest. Story begins with a priest who has stolen another man’s wife and has convinced a few villagers to steal a ferry, food, and begin a new adventure. An adventure of them floating down the river and finding land they can call their own and live the way they want to live. They want to find what they consider the promise land. After having a run-in with some Indians they go deeper into the woods where the natives believe the woods are haunted by evil spirits. The group finds a burned, wrecked cabin that they decide to settle and rebuild. But weird things almost immediately begin to happen to the group and the priest relies a lot on a young woman known as Leah who is a witch. Odd film for 1983 but just interesting enough I was glad to track this one down and check it out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Toy Box (DVD) – I always enjoy a completely off the wall idea that involves horror movies. The weirder or combining characters the better until I came across and watched this film that stars Denise Richards, Mischa Barton, and a bootleg Michael Caine. Bootleg Michael Caine wants to take a trip in a used RV with his family after his wife’s death. What bootleg Michael Caine doesn’t know is it is haunted by the spirit of a serial killer. The serial killer many years ago used the RV as his traveling killing zone. This movie was super lame and poorly executed. Thus proving maybe not all completely crazy horror movie ideas should be made as I give it a ½ star.

 

Boarding School (DVD) – A surprisingly different horror film that does a slow and interesting burn about a boy about to be a teenager whose grandmother has died. Quickly the boy Jacob becomes obsessed with his grandmother he never knew. This leads to the parents finding him in his grandmother’s dress and BOOM! Off to boarding school. But not just any boarding school? A very elite boarding school where a teacher played by Will Patton takes his job serious and has a strict way of kids being schooled. What seems like a horror film that is going to play with the gender bending rules goes into a very mysterious direction as the class is filled out with kids that maybe different and have a handicap. This slowly blossoms into a wonderful horror film as kids begin to show dead almost on a nightly basis. This film has some cool sick shit going down and I like it as kids die and the film keeps you guessing of what will the characters do next as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Django the Bastard (Blu-ray) – I have always enjoyed the Clint Eastwood westerns and only recently have scratched the surface of all the other spaghetti westerns from the past. This was a first time watch and a wonderful one at that as I did see the similarities in this 1969 film that Eastwood did later. The film is also known as “The Strangers Gundown” is about a mysterious man named Django who was believed to be dead many years before. He walks right in town, places a cross in the dirt with the man’s name and date of death. This is just bad ass! Through flashbacks of the Civil War we come to learn Django and his fellow troops were abandoned by their leaders and he has been searching for the three for years. Anthony Steffen has the stare down as he just shows up in town and takes on a whole gang of gunslingers wanting the last man he is looking for. This western actually separates itself from many of this time as it almost has horror movie kinda feel with how it is shot. This maybe my first watch but it will be watch many times more in the future as I absolutely enjoyed the colors and the horror overtone of revenge by Django. The Blu-ray looks beautiful and the commentary by the historian is very interesting if you are a fan of the spaghetti westerns as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Of course you can find this at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Critters Attack! (DVD) – Another poor attempt of getting this franchise off the ground again but at least nowhere annoying as “Critters: A New Binge”. A young lady Drea who is stuck living with her uncle and having trouble getting into the college her mother went too takes on a babysitting job that may help. Soon Drea and her brother get caught up with a Critter princess who has come to Earth to kill the male Crites. It becomes a retelling of “Adventures in Babysitting” only with Crites and Dee Wallace. Their heart is in the right place but the lack of understanding what made the first four films such a fun hit with movie fans is lacking. Can a good reboot be done, maybe, but the damage has been with these two latest efforts… What happens after this remains to be seen but I doubt we will see anything other than a minor budgeted unsuccessful sequel that has nothing to do with anything as I give this poor effort 1 star.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Yes people we are lazy and Grossfest is this Saturday but we do have five new episodes for you!

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This time around Tim, Kyle, and John take on 3 more flicks.  The first being the biggest movie Hollywood has ever put out in AVENGERS: ENDGAME.  Then we tackle on of the most amazing independent movies we have ever seen in THE HEAD HUNTER.  And finally a classic that Kyle has never seen in THE HAZING.  So download this come see us at GROSFEST this Saturday.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

This time around we tackle 3 finer genre flicks.  The first being the 3rd in the action packed trilogy in JOHN WICK: PARABELLUM.  Then we got an offbeat aquatic slasher in AMSTERDAMNED.  And lastly Jamie Lee Curtis shoots some dudes in BLUE STEEL.  So download this episode and join us at GROSSFEST this Saturday.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

This time around we are covering 4 more genre flicks.  The first being a sequel to one of the most infamous movie of all time in I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: DEJA VU.  And then we are on to an Argento giallo in FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET.  Then it’s a weirdo French art flick featuring an outer space fuck octopus in POSSESSION.  And lastly we have the king of the monsters in GODZILLA 2019.  So join us at GROSSFEST this Saturday and have some fun.  BRING BEER!!

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

On this week show we pay tribute to the greatest football player of all time and one of the best genre actors we’ve ever had… JIM BROWN!  First we watch an all-time classic that Kyle has never seen in THE DIRTY DOZEN.  Then it’s off to a great slick of Blaxploitation in SLAUGHTER.  And finally we have Jim teaming up with Lee Van Cleef in EL CONDOR.  So download this show and join us at GROSSEFEST this Saturday.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

This week around we bring you 3 more flicks from the back alleys of the internet.  First (much to Kyle’s chagrin) we have a weirdo DAN HAGGERTY joint in MIND TRAP.  Then we cover a SHUDDER joint from Australia in 100 BLOODY ACRES.  And lastly we chat about the newest Netflix jam in THE PERFECTION.  So listen to this epic show and join us at GROSSFEST this Saturday.

 

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #478

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Gross Movie Reviews #478

 

The Beast of 20,000 Fathoms (DVD) – A classic, a dull classic but considered a classic from the early 50s where those damn humans haven’t learned anything and have scientists testing atomic weapons in the Artic. The latest test awakens a dinosaur that is awaken from its long sleep and begins eating people and making its way to New York. The fans of this film will give you two reasons to watch it: first of course is Ray Harryhausen as this was the film that really got his name out there and second is a small role for Lee Van Cleef who became a favorite actor of many of the next two or so decades. I find it kind of dull but still a must watch every ten years or so as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Running Man (DVD) – It is 2017, and life we know it is no more as society has collapse and now run very differently. The biggest thing in this world is a game show called, “The Running Man”! It is where prisoners get a chance to live if they can make it through this dangerous course full of stalkers who are trying to kill them. A prisoner named Ben Richards played by Arnold Schwarzenegger has just happened to break out of prison with two other fellows. He has caught the eye of game show host Damon Killian. Killian wants him for the show for ratings and once he got him he was right as Ben and friends are not about to die quickly. As they begin fighting back in the course and killing stalkers they also want to find the resistance as they want to steal the uplink code for the satellite and show the people all over the world they are being lied too. An amazing action filled flick with lots of Arnie one liners, over the top violence, and sense they were not too far off predicting the future these days. 4 star flick all the way!

 

Hellboy (On Demand) – The remake, reboot whatever you want to call it that wasn’t needed. By no means is this film bad it is just Ron Perlman is ‘Hellboy’… Like Robert Englund is ‘Freddy’, and Kane Hodder is ‘Jason’. They own the role so it’s very tough to put forth a different version of that character out there to the fans. It is the retelling of the origin story of ‘Hellboy’, think “The Amazing Spider-man” it looks the same but something is missing? And in this film if it isn’t the Del Toro and Perlman tag team magic then it was the really bad CG effects at different times throughout this film. The movie is entertaining but for me at least doesn’t hold a candle to the first two films and by the way they were not that old as I give it 2 stars.

Zoombies 2 (On Demand) – Same director and writer are back with a film that doesn’t have anything to do with the oddly fun film that was released a couple years ago. This time around some poachers come to a jungle island trying to capture animals. But a special toxin that was made to shoot the animals with instead of bullets is used it turns the animals into zombie animals that are attacking any human. Here is the kicker human blood is the antidote for them. So the poachers, animal researchers, and a tough ass ranger must team up to survive this catastrophe! The first was hilarious in a good/bad way and seem to be a lot of fun where the second entry seem to maybe overthink this concept and lost its charm along the way that made horror fans interested the first time around as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Stranger Things Season 3 (Netflix) – Just like everybody else I was interested in where the Duffer Brothers go from here with the group and the alternate world that had been closed for good last season. Now summer of 1985, the group are becoming full blown teenagers and growing a part at times but when a mysterious darkness crops back into Hawkins again it gets the kids and Hopper back together again and there are RUSSIANS! For the love of Joe Pilato they open with a Day of the Dead scene and pay attention to episode six has the music. I love the series as it is fun, entertaining, and doing the 80s nostalgia right. This is four stars all the way and I believe if they are going to stick out at least one more season it would not surprise me if Chernobyl is involved? Just saying since the Duffer Brothers have made it a point of doing things in order in the 80s world… Either way like most I will be waiting the new season whenever that will be.

 

Cannibal Cop (DVD) – Another recent Donald Farmer flick that has a dirty cop in Detective Warbeck roughing up criminals in New Orleans. What the officer doesn’t know is he is being stalked by a young lady who wants to bring to light the police brutality that goes on a nightly basis. She gets footage of a drug dealer killed by Detective Warbeck but the local news station isn’t interested so the young lady still stalks him. But to Warbeck’s surprise the drug dealer has a final wish and that is to become part of the undead for revenge. Once undead he attacks and bites Warbeck making him ‘Cannibal Cop’! The usual no budget gore with lots of filler. I like the cast but what the script was most likely should have never been feature length as I give it 2 stars.

 

Finding Purpose (DVD) – A non-horror film review here which is rare for me as this flick is from John Reign who decided to make a drama on $5,000 or that is at least what IMDB claims. Anyway John wanting to dedicate his film to fallen U.S. troops and what it means to him crafts a story about two brothers and their adventure together. John Kayhill and his two Army vet buddies from their outfit 25 years ago are still trying to find where they actually fit in society as they struggle mightily. John a little more struggle than his two buddies because he has been taking care of mentally handicapped brother. The state comes in and removes Rod from John because they declare him unfit and if he doesn’t get his act together he will also be homeless. Distraught and not knowing what to do he speaks with his two buddies who help craft a plan for John to go get his brother from the group home 20 miles away. After police get wind of the escape they now start investigating the whereabouts of the two. Both John and Rod get into some heated trouble just trying to stay together and doing the right thing by helping others. The story is great and can be even a little tear jerky if you have dealt with something like this? Wasn’t thrilled by the whole stripper angle to the story but it was needed for where the adventure was going. A more perfect running for the film is most likely 85 minutes than the almost 100 it is but I am picking at little aspects of the film. John and cast should be proud of the tale they got on film as it is a wonderful drama done on no budget that is better than 99% of the other dramas that are shoved down people’s throats these days as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Strange New World (YouTube) – Another ‘ABC Movie of the Week’ find starring John Saxon from 1975. In present day the scientific team of three is sent to space for a suspended animation experiment on themselves for a short period. During their sleep meteors destroy Earth as they know it and people back home put into the computer a certain time frame to keep them sleeping. Doing this helps when it is safer to travel back to Earth and find the underground facility that is doing the same experiment. The team of three awakens in 2155, 180 years later and find out what happened. With Earth still there they go back and begin their journey into the unknown where they find almost caveman types surviving in the jungles and people that clone themselves to live maybe forever? It is no “Damnation Alley” but I am always in for a watch when John Saxon is involved as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

 

It is almost here!

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Gear up people cause its almost here:
Guests for Grossfest 2: Fred and Shelby Vogel, Justin M. Seaman and Zane Hershberger, Dustin Wayde Mills, Craig Everett Earl, Justin Channell, Glenn Berggoetz, Henrique Couto, Brian Paulin, and Tom Savini. There will also be independent authors, filmmakers, and cool vendors… Plus independent movies will be shown all day. Remember things are subject to change…

Saturday, July 20, 2019 (Vendor room 11-7, Movie room 11-10) $10 admission includes both

DoubleTree Hotel
340 Racetrack Road
Washington, Pa. 15301
724-222-6200

Anything else please visit us at www.grossfest.com or visit our Grossfest Facebook page.

Come visit us!

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A special thanks to Kevin Kriess for allowing us Tom Gross and Tim Gross, the Gross brothers to set up on Saturday and pimp Grossfest! Also Tom will have zombies to sell,and I will have my books, beer koozies, a few indy movies to sell. We will be discussing Grossfest 2 and if you are nice maybe we will talk a little bit about Grossfest 3? You its gonna happen horror fans. So come meet the Gross brothers this Saturday along with all the other crazy awesome living dead stuff and people! See yinz Saturday!

Gross Movie Reviews #475

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Gross Movie Reviews #475

 

Mind Trap (YouTube) – Another Dan Haggerty classic was unearthed from 1989 but oh I was wrong as Mr. Haggerty was much underused in this feature and has the look of being on set for one day. What else doesn’t help is when you go search everybody involved with the film on the Google machine this was pretty much it. Anyway in this weirdo film where a cat is used as a weapon Dan Haggerty plays an agent for this girl Shana. She just happens to be casted in several B-films that she quite enjoys but might have her big break coming. That is all put on hold when her father is killed by the KGB for his mind control research. Shana’s father built a dream room under their house but has only seen it once but the KGB kills the rest of her family trying to get it. Shana plays a weird game of cat and mouse if that is what you wanna call it with the KGB as she uses her movie skills to take them on. This movie is actually very terrible and found myself laughing several times because how bad it gets. Also the film disappointed me greatly as there are very few scenes of Dan Haggerty… I may have to go rewatch “Night Wars” or “The Channeler” as I give this a ½ star.

 

100 Bloody Acres (Shudder) – An Australian film about The Morgan Brothers who make organic manure. These two brothers recently hit it big with a big name client as they have a special formula of manure that involves dead bodies. If roadkill isn’t available any dead human will do. Brother Reg who just picked up a dead body from the side of the road picks up three music festival goers believing he can just drop them off and get with the hot redhead Sophie. Sophie is everything to Reg as she sings the golden oldies and still has some country girl in her. But things go south quickly as both of her boyfriends find the dead body in back, but too late Reg has gotten them to his older brother. Now the only thing in the way is Reg protecting Sophie from being grinded up in the manure by his big brother. One mishap after another result in 80-year old pussy eating, a cop who is best friends with the brothers being shot, and Sophie admitting she actually likes Reg and not the two guys she is with. It’s weird enough and gory enough the film is a very pleasant surprise of a horror film as I give it 3 stars.

 

Deadly Games (YouTube) – Apparently this 80s or 70s slasher but actually thriller has reappeared again for people to watch for free and how it gets you to watch is it stars a young Steve Railsback and the legendary Dick Butkus. Anyhow Billy Owens who just reopened the local town movie theater and a cop Roger Lane got this weird war buddy relationship going on. If that isn’t enough everybody in this west coast town is married and banging everyone else except their spouses to the point I thought I was watching the wrong movie when the pool scene came on. Because everyone is bumping uglies a masked killer who also happens to be a peeping Tom begins killing off people. There really isn’t an ending and this weird movie formula works on some level so if you got some time to kill give this a try as I give it 2 stars.

 

Shazam! (Theater) – Captain Marvel, ha-ha caught you sleep reading… Anyway DC lets this family film out about a 14 year old kid named Billy Batson who becomes a superhero that is strong as Superman because his heart is pure. He is picked by a wizard to carry on the Shazam tradition and defeat the evil power of the Seven Deadly Sins. Billy being a runaway who doesn’t have a family learns what the most important thing is having a family and that helps him defeat the evil Seven Deadly Sins. But what does this have over Batman and recent Superman flicks: it’s funny, interesting, a great origin story and it isn’t Batman or Superman. The sooner DC universe learns you can dig deep into your comic archives without having the big two involved the sooner we can see more cool flicks like “Shazam!”, “Wonder Woman”, hell even “Aquaman”! This is the most family oriented comic book hero film I have seen to date and its great as I give 3 ½ stars.

 

Monster Island (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Just when I thought SyFy Channel turned into the Harry Potter network they pull this Asylum Entertainment project out of their ass that stars Eric Roberts as a Navy general. A giant volcanic monster named ‘Tango’ or giant star fish has risen from the deep depths of the ocean to cause destruction on Earth. But there is a legend of a monster called ‘The Living Mountain’ when brought to life it will kill the giant magma filled starfish. Yes it is their version of the new Godzilla movie but if you enjoy silly shit involving monsters then grab a beer and enjoy Eric Roberts talking to himself as I give it 2 stars.

 

Await Further Instructions (DVD) – This is a post-apocalyptic oddity as it takes place at the holidays. The news keeps reporting strange going-ons with the U.S., China, and Russia like WWIII is about to happen, then blackness. The plot is the son comes home with his Indian girlfriend to meet mum but the family is super racist. Once they figure it is a bad idea it is too late as they wake up early to leave but the house is covered in a black metallic substance and a message on the tele reading “Await Further Instructions”. The family quickly turns on each other as they believe the girlfriend is infected and the father only believes what the tele tells him. What is outside and how to get out is unknown? A super weird flick that has that uneasy “Videodrome” and “The Mist” feeling to it with an ending that will just leave you asking a shitload of questions. I give it 3 stars as your homework assignment is to go watch it report back to me!

Revenge of Billy the Kid (DVD) – If you are looking to fulfill your British film weirdness well this film about the McDonalds on an isolated island will do. These back woods farmers called the McDonalds sell their crops to mainlanders but try to keep to themselves on this island. Well the father McDonald gets all horned up one day walking with his prize goat and yes he makes it his mate! Little time passes as the goat of course gives birth to a mutant. The one young woman Ronnie that lives on the farm gives it the name Billy and tries to take care of it until it runs away. When it is all grown up Billy’s ugly ass comes back for a killing spree of the family! If you need more bestiality in your life this 2 star film is all you.

 

The Perfection (DVD) – A thriller with a couple bizarre well written twists takes place in the music world. A cello artist named Charlotte who was as perfect as god according to her teacher had to leave the famous music training school to take care of her sick mom. A decade passes and a new prodigy has risen named Lizzie. Charlotte tracks her down along with her old teacher to get back in the music world. Lizzie and Char hit it off immediately and head off for a little vacation but Lizzie is not feeling well at all. Lizzie is later found all drugged up on the side of the road by herself and missing something. Without saying too much the film takes a couple turns in the story that you will not expect and quite enjoy the finish. Don’t mind you see some blurred out man meat from Steven Weber it’s all part of the process as I give it 3 stars.

Shed of the Dead (DVD) – Trevor is a man living out his fantasy world in his shed when he isn’t hanging with his buddy Graham playing some Dungeons and Dragons type game. Trevor and the wife don’t get along and he is in between jobs and now the neighbor Kane Hodder wants him evicted for not taking care of his lot. Trevor as Casimir the Destroyer always knows what to do but in the real world Trevor hates life until… the zombie apocalypse hits and Trevor tries to decide should he save his wife and just hang out with his friend Graham who finally was able to leave his house. There is also a couple other fun names in here: Brian Blessed who does voiceover, Michael Berryman which may own the most famous recent death in a movie to become a zombie? (He is dressed as a leather horse with a butt plug, you need to see it just because!), and Bill Mosley as Doc who is excited the zombie apocalypse has happened. It is a clone of “Shaun of the Dead” a bit but don’t let that dissuade you from enjoying this entertaining zombie film that needed more Kane Hodder as the Canadian. For that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019