Gross Movie Reviews #587

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Barbarian (HBO/Max) – Our film begins with a mix-up of renting an “Air BnB” between Tess, Keith, and the company or property owner who they cannot get ahold of in the middle of night. Keith being there first is very unsure of allowing Tess in but explains it’s a bad neighborhood (outside of Detroit) gives in. After some awkward conversation they go to bed in separate rooms only for Tess to hear something from the basement? After lots of buildup Tess finds herself locked in the basement the next day when investigating. Keith comes to help which eventually doesn’t go well after Tess finding a secret passage. Meanwhile a few weeks pass by and a disgraced Hollywood star played by Justin Long who actually owns the property show up to get away from a possible lawsuit involving rape? Justin Long or AJ after finding his home looking lived in decides to enter the basement and soon finds the secret passage way to find a maze of hallways and something else lurking in the shadows… Enjoyed the buildup of the story but the subplot that comes out of nowhere ¾’s of the way into the film throws me off. This horror film was good but felt there was a better way to introduce the subplot they did without getting too much into detail as I give the film 3 stars.

Terrifier 2 (Theater) – Art the Clown is back and brutal as ever but after doing some laundry and mysteriously reappearing after the end of the first film Art is back on the street stalking victims. The filmmaker absolutely keeping Art a mystery is able to expand the clown’s universe but never really explaining it. Meanwhile, Jonathon and Sienna have lost their father recently and Jonathon has recently become obsessed with Art the Clown while Sienna is just trying to get out being normal. This sets up a wonderful family interaction but also a weird connection between Art, the murders, and (spoiler alert) Art being some kind of supernatural cannibal! I loved the first film and this one did not disappoint in its brutality and gore but what I think holds it back just a tiny bit is its 2 hour and 18 minute running time as I can only give it 3 ½ stars. Honestly wasn’t thrilled with the film minutes after watching it but I let set in and I love it just didn’t need the “Avengers cut”?

Legion of Iron (DVD) – Sorry folks it isn’t a documentary about Iron City Beer but a bootleg of a bootleg of a bootleg “The Running Man”… maybe? Anyway Queen Diana who lives and hosts death matches for rich people to bet on sends her minions to go kidnap a high school football star and his girlfriend for fresh meat to fight her champion. Anddddddddd to make more money! Billy and his girlfriend are promised to be released if he goes along with the plan to be trained and fight the champ when needed to make more money for Diana’s underground fights. Billy knowing he will never leave tries to escape any chance he can get when he isn’t training in the sword closet with his trainer. It is bad but like watchable bad even for 1990 as I give it 2 stars.

Unholy Night (DVD) – Another holiday anthology that is quite uneventful as the wraparound begins with a kid killing their father in the beginning only to have flashbacks later on in life about a talking mannequin and fighting a controlling mother. In between we get stories of why not to do shrooms while meeting cannibals and don’t conjure up pissed off holiday ghosts. There isn’t a lot going for this horror holiday anthology to make it watchable as I give it a ½ star.

Bring it On: Cheer or Die (DVD) – Unusually I took a look at reviews (some very negative reviews) and seen SyFy Channel was the distributor and dropped it so you had my interest! I am here to say fuck those people but let me tell you a little about it first. Back in 2002 the Diablos cheer team had a terrible accident where one of their own died during competition. Since then they were disbanded until recently but the school principal literally wants them to understand they are very low on the school totem pole. But with the regionals coming up the team wants to go prove themselves but they need to be able to practice aerial stunts that is disallowed at school. So the team plans a 24 hour practice at the old abandoned school. Oh by the way it’s on Halloween weekend! After the captain is murdered in her home before the practice Abby the co-captain is forced to take control but this doesn’t stop the cheer squad to be stalked and picked off one by one mysteriously. Yes the film is PG-13 but it has its funny moments and a good twist to the horror version of this popular cheerleader movie series. Give it a chance like I did kids as I give this horror film 3 stars. Now for the people who were shitting all over this, honestly it is a cheerleader horror flick that was based on past cheerleader films for dudes to watch young women shake their ass for 90 minutes! What in the Rutger Hauer were yinz dumb asses expecting? An Oscar winning film? Second, SyFy channel dropping a horror film or I should say NBC, just go back to being irrelevant since “Sharknado” and turning into the ‘Harry Potter’ network. This shit coming from the network that played “The Fast and the Furious” on Halloween this year.

The Retaliators (DVD) – So this was the Five Finger Death Punch film that I literally heard no horror fan talk about so of course I needed to watch it. Near Hillsdale, New Jersey, Pastor John allows the older of two daughters to take the car out to travel to a party. She stops for gas and witnesses something weirdwith a man and his sports car, next thing you know she is being restrained to her steering wheel and drowned. Enter a detective who promises to track down this killer, meanwhile the main suspect disappears and being tortured in a basement of Tobin Bell’s summer home. Next thing we know Pastor John is being led down a dark path and he must choose? There is blood, the pastor’s head getting crushed in a vise, escaped barely humans mistaken for zombies, and a woodchipper! All plots of the film eventually intersect but suffer from way too much going on… Example it felt like a horror movie fan without structure was literally like “we should do that, oh yeah that would work, and you should do this” after the script was written and the filming was ongoing. I like the movie but beware it does have flaws as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Trash Juice (YouTube) – Veteran independent actor Doug Waugh writes and directs this flick where a priest stumbles upon a bunch of weirdoes hanging out at the dumpsters who want to tell stories. Or a very unique or unusual way to have an anthology… The priest just wants to help the weirdoes but he has to survive the stories first in order to get through to them. We have a story about the price of internet fame, a man losing his mind over his squirrel hand puppet (oh yeah the squirrel goes for the dude’s dong), two insane gentlemen known as “Shiteaters”, and a story that involves a creature, drug abuse, and a dude yelling at women. After failing the people the priest gets hooked on the juice! For me at least this falls in the category of “Just not my cup of tea” but if there is something great to say about it, it does feel like a lost Troma anthology from the early 90s as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars. With this soon to be released on Tubi I am sure some of the Troma fans will find it and rave about this film in 2023.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #586

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Sudden Death (YouTube) – My friend across the pond Philip Brocklehurst is back with another quickie film that isn’t so much horror related as serious… Love how all shot in one location and able to tell the story without a word being spoken as a lonely man sudden leaves this world and how depressing we being mere mortals can be? It’s short but shows off the filmmaker’s range and that to be effective not everything has to be a bloodbath as I give it 4 out of 4 stars.

Down and Out in Vampire Hills (Vimeo) – A hilarious and entertaining film from Craig Railsback and some Indy vets that concerns a certain Penelope Vampire Queen and her long time servant Harold. Times are rough these days as we know and Penelope and Harold who are already living out of tents are now being evicted from those. If that wasn’t enough thy have lost their investment in the Crypto world and now are forced to get jobs! The two try and try but unfortunate accidents follow them to every place of employment and all the vampire queen wants is a small home for her coffin and wardrobe so she doesn’t feel cramped. The short flick is entertaining as hell as I give it 3 out 4 stars.

Like Father, Like Daughter (YouTube) – So a newer filmmaker in Ken Brewer who is mostly known for his series of short films called “Death Park” takes a stab at a feature length film. This film hits the ground running as a father and daughter duo who was sentenced to an insane asylum after their murder spree waste no time breaking out to start a new one! The two individuals find themselves at a nature park and find a group tour to torture and kill along with a few random park visitors. Throw in a couple bumbling park officers, a bunch of running around, and a kill scene that seems like every two minutes and you have yourself a slasher with two serial killers. Anyway, even with overuse of the drone, some of the dumbest victims you will see in an independent film Mr. Brewer’s flick does have a very gritty entertaining charm to it. It also has the feel of an early 90s S.O.V. film that may help sell it to a small film company if the “Halloween stingers” are lifted? This film will find its audience at independent film convention circuit more than the mainstream as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

Siege (DVD) – This 1983 Canadian exploitation flick also known as “Self Defense” is a film I have never knew about has recently gotten the Blu-ray treatment and is a treat for fans of films like “Tenement” and “Vigilante”. This gritty ass film takes place in 1981 Halifax, Nova Scotia where the police force has just gone on strike and slowly members of the community are doing two things: Boarding themselves in at night or running amok through the streets. Which bring us to a gang white degenerates who call themselves the ‘New Order or N.O.’ and first up on their list tonight is hitting up a gay bar and I mean hitting it hard. The film wastes no time making the viewer uncomfortable but also makes sure you are in for a fun film when one of the bar patrons escape during the battle (trying not to give away the goodies of this film). The leader, Cabe, of New Order demands his degenerates to search for this disgraceful human being as they put it. The club member finds a rundown apartment building in the middle of nowhere that’s occupied by a small group of people who want to do the right thing when confronted by these degenerates. The rest of the film the tone is set as it’s a fight to the death as both sides each is picked off one by one. The film is gritty, uncomfortable, entertaining as hell and glad this got the Blu-ray treatment so people like myself have a chance to learn about this film as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Mark of the Vampire (DVD) – A 1935 Bela Lugosi flick that I thought I had seen before but hadn’t but damn glad I sat down to watch this hidden gem to me. It’s 1934 and in a small Czech village the people still believe in vampires including the coroner. Meanwhile in the castle up the hill N’at, Sir Karell is murdered and people believe its vampires except the inspector. The inspector believes its straight up murder and as he investigates let’s say there is some others planning what happens to the estate and the riches that come with it? The clever inspector sets up a trap to truly catch the murderer and solve the mystery. This is a fun one even by today’s ADD standards of movie viewers. Have a chance to check this one out? Do it as I give it 3 stars.

Messenger of Death (DVD) – I literally tripped over this Chuck Bronson 1988 thriller where he plays a Denver reporter Garret Smith who happens to be friends of the police chief and stumbles upon a massacre of a family in the mountains. Garret being the reporter he is innocently looks into the aftermath of the massacre and finds out this is a possible religious fight between two brothers who live outside the usual communities or off the grid. But when Garret and a reporter from a small nearby paper are almost killed a couple times Smith digs deeper and finds this is much bigger than anyone can believe? A fun thriller but a pooper of an ending as it just ends and leaves me wonder if it was the lack of money as this was at the end of the Cannon Group’s run in the 80s as I give this 2 ½ stars.

Deadstream (Shudder) – Shawn is an internet influencer who faces his fears and streams it. Immediately I am already annoyed this movie is gonna be dumb, lazy, and a waste of my time. But I was super wrong as Joseph Winter aka Shawn who is also a co-director and co-writer of the film plays one of the biggest douchebags in film perfectly. Shawn explains after some trouble six months back and losing all of his online sponsors he is back for one big streaming show. He is going to face his fear of ‘GHOSTS’ as he is going to explore and stay the night in a notorious haunted home called “Death Manor”. This will all stream live as Shawn goes through, set up cameras, and makes sure his fans call him out if he tries to flee the house. As Shawn sets up everything in the home he goes over the house’s paranormal history and the stories of those who died here. Shawn being the scared douchebag he is almost leaves several times from noises, etc. This is after he breaks a very important drawing in a closet and then runs into superfan Chrissy and this where this entertaining as hell horror film won me over big time as it takes another unexpected turn? Without spoiling too much the film finds a way to give you a splash of “Evil Dead”, talk cancel culture, a couple jump scares, give a wonderful hated douchebag character, and do a lot of kick ass practical effects!  Not only is this one of the best horror films of 2022 this makes me look forward to what Joseph Winter and Vanessa Winter have in store next for horror fans as they rock as I give this movie 4 stars and you will hear me talking about it again at the end of the year!

V/H/S 99 (Shudder) – The anthology series is back and as usual do things their own way as little clips of army men (which were fucking hilarious) is its own story that is the wraparound of the anthology. First film, which most likely is the only weak one of the bunch is about a group of friends referred to as R.A.C.K. who grew up on MTV of the 90s decide to enter an old burned out punk venue to practice their music only to awaken the all-girl dead band ‘Bitchkat’. This first entry felt like they tried way too hard but moving on to the second entry as they use the bootleg “Shrieker” monster from Charles Band in a segment where sorority girls take a pledge to a mortuary and convince her she needs to spend the night in a coffin. Third segment is about a game show called ‘Ozzy’s Dungeon’ that a flashback of the old Nickelodeon game shows of the 90s but in this one no one wins but a parent decides to take it next level when her child gets hurt. Fourth segment has teenage boys spying on the neighbor after one of them help her set up her webcam and this is where the army guy segment leads into. But it’s all fun for them to see her naked until she is able to turn and twist her body in weird ways and she comes to visit them. Last but not least is a segment where two guys get sucked into another dimension or hell after being a part of a séance with a coven on New Year’s Eve of 1999. The two must fight off evil forces and find their way back and also as I just reviewed “Deadstream” this segment came from Joseph and Vanessa Winter. These two are gonna be people yinz horror fans are gonna wanna pay attention too. This entry of V/H/S was fun but felt a little long as I believe the first entry is what holds this movie back from being one of the best horror films of 2022… I still give this solid horror film 3 stars because all the other stuff in it was great, just wished they did something else with the R.A.C.K. group?

Croc! (DVD) – An UK film with a big killer crocodile which I didn’t know there was crocodiles in the UK but that could be I am just an ignorant bastard. We got bootleg Aquaman banging a hot tattooed woman to start the film off, a young couple about to get married in the countryside with friends, and an angry crocodile eating people not more than five minutes in and that’s where the movie just goes downhill. What should have been a hilarious and fun take on ‘killer croc’ films turns into a boring, poorly acted, and disgusting computer croc effects (really, you CGI’d the fucking croc in a barn and to walk the wedding aisle). This piss poor attempt at a killer croc film should be buried in a swamp somewhere and never unearthed again as I give it 0 stars as for the love of Rutger Hauer you had bootleg Aquaman and didn’t even know how to use that character!

Terror Train (Tubi/remake again) – For those horror fans that have short memories or no life like me this is the second remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis 1980 film. Just like the original a pledge for a fraternity Kenny is being screwed with by frat brothers and the prank goes wrong as he is sent to the nuthouse. Three years later, the group of friends who did the prank is jumping on a train for a Halloween party for a night of bad decisions or great ones depending how you look at it. Unbeknownst to the party Kenny is back and the bodies are piling up as the killer takes the victim’s costume to lure other victims in. This version sticks more to the original than the 2008 remake but the real problem isn’t that this a bad film as much more of an uninspired horror film. This will find an audience in young under 21 horror fans most likely but overall this horror film felt like it was just going through the motions not good, not bad, just there as I give the film 1 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #585

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Werewolf by Night (Disney Plus) – First I believe this caught some horror fans by surprise this was made and taken seriously. Based on some comics this film takes a stylish approach of making it look old school which worked out well in my opinion from the actors to the werewolf itself. But the center of the film is the “Master of the Bloodstone” has died and there is a gathering of monster hunters to have a chance to lay claim to this stone which pretty much means royalty. Out of this group of death dealers if they survive and slay the creature that is in the maze they can lay claim to the stone but not all are who or what they seem as there is a werewolf among them. Who is the hero, who is the villain? It’s a fun quick 50 something minute movie that was a lot of fun for me to watch as I give it 3 stars.

The Curse of Bridge Hollow (Netflix) – So who would of guessed I would be watching a Marlon Wayans family Halloween film? None of you… Me neither but I took a chance and it paid off as Marlon, wife and teenage daughter move from Brooklyn to the safest small town in the U.S. only to find out they take their Halloween very seriously. The family moves to the old Hawthorne house where apparently a urban legend was born a hundred years ago. The daughter of course investigating the attic happens to stumble upon an old pumpkin or turnip lantern for technical terms and lights it. This causes a series of events that lets evil into the world forever but first it must take over everyone’s Halloween decorations. Now it’s up to the satanic collecting principal, the daughter’s new paranormal club friends, and Marlon to stop the evil before Halloween is over. Its PG-13, it is actually funny, and reminds me of “Goosebumps” so I got give it 3 stars.

Accident Man (DVD) – Scott Adkins 2018 film and possibly one his best to date that has Scott playing a hitman named Mike Fallon who makes his hits look like an accident. Things are good for Mike as he is paid well to make things look like an accident until he gets a call about his ex-girlfriend has died but things don’t add up as Mike finds out a few details. Mike quickly looks into the death and finds not only was a hit put out on her but she was pregnant with his child. Blaming himself Mike wants answers but his teacher Ray Stevenson has always said “Don’t get involved”. Mike breaks this rule immediately and after several bad ass fight scenes finds out he has been set up and her hit was ordered by his boss Milton! This not your average hitman action flick and I dare you to watch and not say this isn’t possibly one of the best Adkins starring flicks out there as I give it 4 stars.

Accident Man: Hitman’s Holiday (On Demand) – Mike Fallon is back, kind of as he has been lying low in another country for the past four years until he bumps into one of his old buddies from the firm Fred. Fred is in pursuit of his girlfriend he met online (you need to see the first film to understand the backstory of Fred). Anyhow the two become quick friends again and start up as a hitman duo and trying new techniques. After saying no to doing a hit on a mob boss’s son they are kidnapped and forced to now protect this poor soul as assassins from around the world want in on the hit that pays over 7 million dollars US! Again lots of fun, brings back a couple characters from the first film, flips the tables now for Fallon to be a bodyguard, awesome fight scenes but slips a little in the magic that was captured the first time around but still well worth the watch as I give it 3 stars.

Spookie Dookie (Blu-ray) – The talented Brian Papandrea (or the last name I cannot pronounce) and the Rock Bottom Video crew are back to give us independent film fans a trashy Halloween film that is missing from our lives. So we get a terrible Gatekeeper who dances around the cemetery to find passersby to tell scary tales too when he isn’t jerking off on them.  The trashy shorts all interconnect with old Halloween promos, commercials, Halloween news clips, and Dracula needing to see a doctor because he has AIDS! It feels like something Troma would have done in the 90s but only better as these kind folks make sure if you are looking for trash they have it for you as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Honestly the back cover of this Blu-ray if you have a chance to read will make you buy it on the spot!

Grand Samurai: A Warrior’s End (Extended Cut – Blu-ray) – So I felt it was time to sit down and watch Dan Komarek’s epic five hour film. Yes folks, “The Ninja Master” weren’t enough abuse knowing I would watch this bullshit this talented jagoff Mr. Komarek released this fucking shit! Anyhow I thought like most reviews I would try to give you the basics but not this epic film I thought I needed to share my notes as written when watching this thing last Sunday morning that led into my afternoon. Dan decided there needed to be a movie with more walking than ‘Lord of the Rings’ ever could film so eat your heart out Peter Jackson. Back to the film as it opens up very promising with this huge ‘Conan-esque’ beginning talking about a thousand years ago and now… then immediately let down with two dudes showing up on screen whatever their parents allowed them to wear that autumn weekend to shoot? You expect costumes, swords, huge swords… Nope, Dan laughs in the face of being reasonable. We get a little backstory between Paul and Lee which Paul has to train to become a samurai. Which first question that will hit your mind “Yinz know yinz are white more out of shape than I am?” But hey kids let’s not a bad idea get in the way of making a bad film as they begin to walk, then walk a little more, then walk a little more only to decide they will go on journeys for a sword and a tournament that isn’t really clarified but then walk some more. This is where Paul (yes there will be a samurai named… Paul) goes on his four or so hour journey movie time of training. If there isn’t endless narration be the Lee character aka Dan Komarek where he clearly had a tummy tuck at some point between filming there is more walking and what I feel was an hour of “In Memoriam” segment for someone I don’t know? But then it got real interesting when ‘real time filming’ by Dan Komarek happens as he films himself basically taking a spill into a raging river when misjudging some rocks to cross it just to do a random sword fight scene oh excuse me a stick fight! At one point during the first hour or two of walking it seems like the camera isn’t filming as much as stalking the Paul character who by the way is still training and looking for his friend Lee. Then when Paul cannot go any further he drops to the forest ground to start humping the ground which I read into the subtext of ‘humans raping the world’ but that can be debated another time. But hey did I mention there is a book on how to be a samurai that is introduced into the film an hour in as when approaching the 75 minute mark we get the ‘final fight’. Why do I know this? The characters only announced this several times as they try and I mean try to somersault their way off of picnic benches. But just shortly after if not paying attention we do gets bootleg Richard Moll from “Sword and the Sorcerer” sending Paul yet on another quest for a sword. So about 88 minutes they are informed this sword they are on a journey for is a sword for a tournament to end all tournaments and we haven’t even gotten to the first one. If you need a laugh the scene ends with the neighbor’s dog attacking someone off screen in the background. So as they keep walking again the two find a village where they sleep for a month (don’t ask) again this leaves the Paul character alone as he mourns for his heterosexual life mate Lee. Then there is more walking… inner monologue… more walking… Paul walks through all four seasons through the same patch of woods. Then 129 minutes in Paul gets fucked up on a snowy tree stump and instead of Dan putting down the camera he still films Paul now limping instead of walking, clearly injured… (but, it’s for the art man!)  Literally that was the point I waiting for the Benny Hill music to start as it followed a limping Paul through the snow. After more walking about the 145 minute mark we get to hear Dan Komarek directing the movie while doing a couple lines of dialogue in the mouth of a cave or I like to think a sewer pipe? With more walking comes more training and at the 165 minute mark I begin to wonder if the journey isn’t for a sword but for the two come to grips with their love for each other? I come to this conclusion as the two come to a beach in their long journey and gazing at each other while plotting on them doing more walking through the woods. Which shortly after this the filmmaker has the balls of putting an intermission in, DUDE, how about ending this fucking movie already! After regretting that there was an intermission our heroes at the 170 minute mark are back from their love fest at the beach and most likely smoking weed only to walk more. They keep saying they must finish the journey so of course there is more walking this when I notice and have come up with a drinking game those three people like me who crazy enough to watch this film to completion. Now for yinz three paying attention: every time Paul has his ninja suit on or putting it back on, drink a beer for every different shirt you see the Paul character wearing underneath? You will be drunk and that is better than watching this film again, again anyway, nine minutes I am completely convinced the film has nothing to do with samurais but two young dudes taking the long way around of just saying they love each other but just cannot find the courage to say it. At the 191 minute mark after walking more Paul lays on the ground and looks to the night sky accepting he will only be complete with his life partner Lee who has disappeared again. Finally about the 215 minute mark we finally are getting to the climax of the film as a horrible unfinished fight scene happens as minutes later Paul loses Lee as he was killed by a Chevy Corsica fender they randomly found in the creek they ran across. More walking happens and at the 248 minute mark is when Paul and Lee (who has died twice, I think) are reunited and receives the sword which the fuckers never get to be in a tournament! And what is this fucking Dan Komarek ends this fucking “EPIC” with a ‘to be continued’… WTF dude! Dan I love you brother, I think you are a fine editor and cinematographer but stop digging this absurd bullshit up and make something new. You have the talent to do it so give me a break as this epic is epic I cannot even give it a rating as much dare someone to watch it all the way through like I did so I am not the only psycho.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #584

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Ash and Bone (Vimeo) – The film starts off as a slasher but quickly becomes a slow burn backwoods thriller where a young Goth girl and family head to a small woodsy town to bond. Dad and Cassie don’t get along well and this trip to a small town vacation spot is supposed to be the answer? When Cassie quickly gets bored she borrows the car, hits up a bar, and finds a couple new friends. They talk about this town legend “the Mckinleys” where some odd small town stories surround this backwoods family that gives the locals scary stories to tell the out-of-towners. Well Cassie and new friends check the place out, break in, but the Mckinleys come back home only to know someone has trespassed, knowing their secrets. Now the backwoods family is pissed and tracks down Cassie, friends, and eventually her family. Again this is much more of a thriller than slasher as it’s more about the chase because Cassie deserves much worse than the others for disturbing Ma! This tale will appeal more to audiences that are looking for more substance than gore as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Jeepers Creepers Return (On Demand) – AKA part 4 aka the biggest fucking turd of 2022 for horror movie fans! Yes look no further than this crap storm for “worst film of 2022”. Anyhow its 23rd day of the 23rd Spring of whatever who actually gives a flying farthole all you need to know the monster aka a horrible grainy Playstation online game has come to life! Once what could be a great monster is now a poor excuse for a reboot not once but twice with this one being propped up by lets say an “unnamed shitty convention” but lets stick with the crappy film. This time around a young couple traveling to an outdoor horror festival that celebrates killers is set near the ‘urban legend’ of the “Creeper”. Hell, for shits and giggles they claim the first three films are fake to help propped up this so-called pile of elephant shit! Anyhow winners of the “Creeperfest” win a chance at the ‘Creeper Escape room’ at that the legendary house. The only thing going for this monkey turd is the townsfolk is in on the “Creeper legend” but while all yinz whine about the newest “Halloween” flick just remember this already forgotten cartoon poo got shit out there in the viewing universe as I give it nothing and will be my pick for “Worst film of 2022!”

Blood Hook (Blu-ray) – First time watch for me as I picked up the new two-disc Blu-ray from Troma for this 1986 uncut film that has a killer fisherman! Yes kids, Peter inherits his grandpa’s place on the lake where he hasn’t visited since a kid when grandpa got killed. Now 17 years later Peter and friends go to party at the place and check out the annual “Muskie Madness”. Before the young people get settled someone is already hooking their victims in a bloody manner. The uncut version runs close to almost two hours long because of the “devil’s trilogy of notes” man… I would say more but I want yinz to enjoy this rather unknown killer fisherman flick as much as I did as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Hellraiser (Hulu) – The new entry of the series has the puzzlebox, the chains, the music, the pain, the pleasure… okay horror kids I am in as this entry of the Cenobites went out there on a limb and gave fans what they wanted… “A one-off that made actual fucking sense, wasn’t non-sense, a piece of shit only done for movie rights issues, or had FAT PINHEAD!” Anyhow a woman named Ry still fighting her addiction to drugs accidentially begins to solve the puzzlebox and opens a doorway that scares her but also intrigues her of how this thing exists why people would be interested? After losing her brother to the box she become consumed with solving the box to bring him back as if you are able to go through all the phases you are able to “get an audience with GOD”. But while deep into this takes her and friends down a dark path of pain and pleasure they are not ready to experience… This is the best entry since Part 3 and it was nice it felt like it tried giving what fans have wanted for over two decades now as I give this entry 3 stars and hope there is more?

Cannibal Rollerbabes (DVD) – A late 90s film that looks more like a late 80s film found its way to me as I was hoping for another sequel to the “Rollerblade” series? Even I felt cheated it wasn’t a part of that series of films characters Scott and Chuck head off to a cabin on the lake for a weekend of booze, babes, and fishing. This film may have the most random cast of characters I have seen in a cheapy B-flick. Back to Scott and Chuck who find a note in a bottle while fishing that says “People Eating People”. This is where their lives take a turn for the weird as they are starring in “Solent Green” but a low budget film that is much better enjoyed with a group of friends. As this film is a huge Indy mess with not a whole of direction but heart you can respect and enjoy with friends. There is rollerblading and there is weird shit but it is all because of “Research Island”… Dongs are cut off in the name of science as if you don’t like the film you will enjoy the young actress playing Anna as I give this hilarious mess 2 stars.

Halloween Ends (Peacock) – Haddonfield has changed since Michael Myers latest rampage a few years ago including Laurie Strode. With the death of her daughter and watching over her granddaughter she has tried to live a normal life as Michael has disappeared aka (Halloween 5). But Haddonfield has been changed for the worse has death and despair has taken the over the town or evil itself is now ruling the town? With violence being contagious in this town it also doesn’t allow the townsfolk to forgive the Strode family as they are to be blamed for the shittiness of Halloween! So in a small strange twist of fate a young man Corey accused of murder at one point finds Michael Myers or a former shell of the evil that rocked Haddonfield. This is where the story of Michael takes shape as Corey just wanting to fit has decided with Laurie’s granddaughter that maybe its time to burn it all down? (Which if you are paying attention to the subtext there is many that feel this way of humanity and where we are going? Think about it?) Anyhow after Corey awakens Myers and eventually taking his mask this awakens the ‘Boogeyman’ for one more rampage of Haddonfield. I liked where this one went and how they portrayed Michael but I won’t say I love it. But also unlike some of you crazy asses out there you understand you would have bitched also if it was the same old formula??? This entry makes sense in the context of what has happened in Haddonfield in the two films before this but also saying that if you think this is the end yinz are crazy as I will see yinz in 2027 for the next Halloween flick starring Michael Myers as I give this 2 ½ stars. P.S. I do believe there will be a sequel to “Halloween 3” within the next two years just because there is too much money to be made but that will be for another conversation another time my friends.

The Unnamable (DVD) – A pretty fun monster flick based on H.P. Lovecraft’s work from 1988 that in only recent years has gotten the proper DVD release but also the respect as many Lovecraft fans deannounce this flick as many others. But this oddity monster flick always stood out to me and thought it was time to upgrade from a bootleg to this newer “Unearthed Films Classics” version that includes audio commentary and hours of interviews with cast and crew. A hundred years before a home is sealed by the local priest as he believes the devil’s work has been done as the master of the home has had his heart ripped out. Now present day (1988) near Miskatonic University a friend of Howard and Carter goes missing trying to disprove the legend. To make matters worse a couple of fraternity brothers bring their dates to the place in hopes of getting laid but soon find out why no one has steeped foot in the place as a creature has waited for victims to visit. This oddity creature feature is fun, story driven, never played by all the rules of Lovecraft or horror film rules but is tied together in a nice package with the character of Carter who is serious but playful throughout the series of events that take place inside the supposedly haunted home near the college. I really enjoy this horror film and try to revisit it every few years especially now knowing there is a legit DVD and Blu-ray finally out there in the universe. I give it 3 ½ stars but more than other films whether you are a Lovecraft fan or a horror fan I dare you to give this film a chance because something tells me this one will find a soft spot in your black heart?

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #583

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Bad Ass Monster Killer (DVD) – For this Indy exploitation we have Jimmy who is a part of some kind of secret government Supernatural security that is trying to keep the streets safe form the unnatural. There is some black magic, demons, strip clubs, gangs of supernatural beings and CG effects that are the background of the film throughout. I enjoyed the passion put into the project but the film felt like there was something missing and it went too long. I felt this would have made a much better impact if it ran maybe like a short film (25 minutes) but I still enjoyed it as I give it 2 stars.

Scary Story Slumber Party (DVD) – Say that title several times in a row! Anyway three young women are watching a lame film and decide to turn off the TV and tell each other scary stories. Several stories are told and most are quick little flicks that I am sure some of yinz will enjoy but nothing stands out where you’ll be talking about it in six weeks. A solid collection of independent short films but would have liked more be done with the wrap around starring the three young women telling the stories. If you are into anthologies it will most likely appeal to you as I give it 2 ½ stars.

In Search of Darkness: Part II (Shudder) – The sequel to one of the most talked about documentaries the past few years where they dive deeper into the 80s to make horror fan’s wet dreams come true. Lots of interviews, fun facts, and why we are all so fascinated with 80s horror films as I give this 4 ½ hour epic 4 stars!

Hi-Death (DVD) – A sequel anthology to the popular independent project “Hi-8” that has Todd Sheets, Brad Sykes, Tim Ritter, Amanda Payton, Anthony Catanese all back with new short film installments. This time around to keep the films rolling you have two young ladies in Hollywood who decide to do the “Terror Tour”… The first two stories are slow but stick it out folks because the last three: ‘Night Drop’ is a lot of fun, ‘Cold Read’ ups the intensity, and Todd Sheets ‘The Muse’ is just pure wicked weirdness that Indy horror fans will be so happy with as I give the anthology 2 ½ stars.

Subsurface (YouTube) – A slick short film from writer Kyle Patrick about a young man who is trapped in his own mind and may see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel? What’s funny this short film has an intriguing look and feel that I believe you could have ten different critics watch and review and get ten completely different takes on this. So Kyle I would say you have accomplished your goal with this project as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars as you leave me intrigued what is next for you.

Satan’s Little Helper (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films is at it again digging around for a horror film that may have never gotten its due during its original release. Jeff Lieberman  a horror fan favorite over the years unleashed this little Halloween horror in the early 2000s and since then has gathered a little cult following. The Halloween story revolves around a boy who loves his video game “Satan’s Little Helper” and dresses as the helper for Halloween eagerly awaiting his sister for trick or treating. Upset over the sister bringing a young man home the young boy ventures into the neighborhood to witness someone decorating a home with what looks like very real props. Unknown to the boy this man is a serial killer who has just finished up and likes to pose his victims. The boy being naïve believes it is Satan just like his video game and scoring points killing real people on his favorite day of the year Halloween! Satan and the boy become quick friends and give the film an awkward quirkiness as the boy takes Satan home as the story just gets a little odder from there. Remember Douglas the young boy, believes this is all part of the game until his father is gutted in front of him by this Satan character. An entertaining oddity of Halloween horror that fans are still discovering that has an ending makes you want the sequel that doesn’t exist. The Blu-ray extras has a commentary with Jeff Lieberman, tour of the filming locations, behind-the-scenes, and a making of segment which has a recent interview with Jeff Lieberman that is some entertaining stuff for the horror fans to eat up as I give this fun little Halloween package 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find it at www.synapse-films.com .

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #581

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The Veil (DVD) – Didn’t hear much about this Jessica Alba and Thomas Jane flick which I believe is under the Blumhouse Pictures umbrella? Usually that is never good when it comes to some of these bigger budgeted horror flicks as this one involves a lone survivor of a suicide cult heads back to where it happened 25 years later with a film crew doing a documentary on it. Kind of boring and pretty much looked like a lot of the exorcism films that were flooding the genre at the time as I give it 1 star.

Dead Tone (DVD) – A 2007 horror film that was a part of the quick and forgettable “Flavor Flav’s Nite Tales” series… but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. The story begins with a bunch of kids at a sleepover while the adults are partying decide to have fun by ‘crank calling people’. This is what was thought to be a fun event leads to a mysterious individual showing up to the home and rampaging through almost everyone with an ax! About a decade or so later the movie leads to a couple of college students heading to an “end of the semester” party and that means party games. The crank call game is called “75”, you got to keep whoever on the other line for 75 seconds and make them believe whatever you say is truly going on. Once again the murderer is back slaughtering college students to add to the body count while an old grizzled detective played by Rutger Hauer who was in on the original murders believes the cold case needs fresh eyes and answers as he investigates. Not original but a little spin on an old idea with a big body count and having Rutger Hauer makes this a pleasant surprise when looking for some horror titles you may not know about as I give the film 3 stars.

I Was A Teenage Zombie (DVD) – A low budget film that many don’t remember from 1987 aka “Atomic Thrill” but will most likely enjoy it if they see it now as it embodied what a Troma film was at the time and for some odd reason it isn’t a Troma flick. School buddies wanting weed for their spring high school dance screw up and kill their new drug supplier. So to cover it up they throw him into the river that has had a recent toxic spill. Thinking everything is good the small time drug lord is now a zombie and coming for revenge against the high schoolers. When they fail to capture or kill the zombie they come up with a better idea after one of their best friends die… Throw him into the river so they can fight a zombie with a zombie. Hilarious from beginning to end and would not be surprised that one of the companies is working on a Blu-ray release as I give it 3 stars?   

Blood Rush: DNA (DVD) – An uneventful 1998 film I believe was possibly an Aussie flick that got released in Japan? The whole point of the film is two groups of people competing in a four day event called “Adrenaline Fest” but also heard it called “Survival Fest” about halfway through the film. Anyhow these two groups of folks race over rough mountainous jungle terrain only to come face to face with a Power Rangers extra. The colorful oversized Luchador begins to quickly dispatch the competitors in this lame creature flick that I give a ½ stars too.

Beyond the Rising Moon (DVD) – Another unknown sci-fi film from the early 90s that has been rereleased under the title “Outerworld”. It’s the future of course and a woman cyborg who just happened to be the perfect creation has decided on its own to stop being a corporate spy and keep the secret info about a wrecked alien ship on another planet that several corporations would love to lay claim too. She is a product of corporate warfare and her handler has pushed the button to make her head explode in three days. Now it’s a race between the handler and the cyborg and her new companion who is just trying to make a few bucks to transport through space to find this ship. Think of a much lower budgeted and even less interesting version of “Johnny Mnemonic” but may have been released before it??? Either way I can only give this film 1 star.

Boris Karloff: The Man behind the Monster (Shudder) – A very in-depth look into the Hollywood life of an iconic figure who I believe his presence only has grown since his death many years ago and that is Boris Karloff. It just doesn’t just cover the usual suspect in “Frankenstein” but goes through his life and his thoughts of his legacy and how he reinvented himself so late into his career because he was that talented. Since I first could say this man’s name I am still finding films with him in it and respect him more and more with each passing day. This is a must watch for any type of horror movie and monster film fan and believe me if you never had an appreciation for Karloff before you will now as I give this documentary 4 stars.

The Found Footage Phenomenon (Shudder) – I am not a huge found footage film fan but this film interest me as they track down a lot of people involved with found footage films and do some great in-depth interviews. The formula, who made them, why so many suck out loud, and breaking down the technology that may have helped one or two along? Again not a fan of found footage stuff but this is a real interesting film for any independent filmmaker that is about to try bringing their project to life… Good stuff here and enjoyed this more than I thought I would as I give it 3 ½ stars.

X (DVD) – One of the most talked about horror films of 2022 and me of course being late to the party because I am busy watching everything else that nobody else pays attention too. We get a great opening 90 seconds that lets the viewer they could be in for a treat? Set in the late 70s (believe the movie clapper said 1979) where a small film crew heads to an unknown old farmhouse where they are renting it for their porn shoot. The plan is to give tasteful porn for the upcoming home video market. Things seem to go great and until the old people renting the place are horny and distant relatives of Leatherface! There is a lot of buildup and a good bit of dialogue (including a great inner discussion of doing porn and how it was looked upon at that time) but stick with it as the film does payoff. Nothing that is going to blow your doors off but a fun little twist to a story that has been told many ways over the years as I give it 3 stars. Lesson: always beware of lonely old creepy people!

Suburban Sasquatch (Blu-ray) – A cult status kind of S.O.V. flick from 2004 that has a pissed off Bigfoot fucking people up in small-town (Woodstown), Pa. Plain and simple Sasquatch goes on a killing spree and a reporter trying to get the story decides he must help out a Native American warrior to bring down the mystical creature. It is the responsibility of some tribes to always keep Sasquatch in check over hundreds of years. This horrible movie is downright hilarious between dialogue, the acting, but what does it for me is the absolute bad CGI that will make you laugh for days. I understand why this film is gaining the cult status it has and this new Blu-ray has all the extras independent fans have wanted and will enjoy as I give this fun film 3 stars. The only thing I didn’t get was how in the hell this film go 100 minutes?

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #580

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Class of 1999 (Blu-ray) – Time for a revisit as this film got a very cool “Vestron Blu-ray release”. It’s the future and schools have gone to hell… Remember the film was released in 1989/1990. But imagine if “Escape from New York” took over a school and its surrounding community. Gangs have taken over everything and the school system is looking for answers in what to do next and Bob Forest played by Stacey Keach has an answer. He introduces the principal (Malcolm McDowell) of this high school to three new teachers played by Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, and John P. Ryan and they just happen to be androids! Androids built for the ten year war in South America and funded by the Department of Defense. Meanwhile, Cody has just been released from prison and just wants his old gang to leave him alone so he can attend class and not do hard time. Soon Cody’s curiosity gets the best of him when one of the teachers kills a student when a gun is pulled. He learns they are androids and they are beginning to do what they were built for and that is to kill in this awesome Sci-fi action/horror flick. The film is a sequel to “Class of 1984” but not many give two shits about that as it stands on its own with the wonderful cast, cool effects, and crazy storyline… These days the storyline isn’t too far fetch as I give this cool film 3 ½ stars, but there is more. Great commentary from filmmaker Mark Lester, lots of fun interviews with those behind the scenes on this great film and you get to learn info like this film killed Vestron! Actually it didn’t but apparently after this film went into production Vestron had all kinds of issues. I love it as this film always holds a fun cheesy spot in my heart.

The Banker (DVD) – I knew this film had some quality to it as soon as our introduction to Robert Forster’s character Detective Jefferson is living in a treehouse with beer cans falling out of it. There are brutal murders of high priced escorts happening and South American symbols are being left at the scene of the crime. It doesn’t take long for Jefferson to figure things out but he cannot arrest the high-end financial advisor Osborne aka Dracula from The Monster Squad! It is Osborne’s belief that this culture he found and follows is all about “Domination of women and the return of the hunter” or I like to bill this film ‘that guy that killed a giant alligator vs. Dracula from Monster Squad’. Is it the best of the serial killer films, no way, is it fun if you look at it the way I do, yes, and for that I give it 2 ½ stars. Oh if needed there is five sex scenes in this that would make “Red Shoe Diaries” blush with one including of my favorite porn stars Teri Weigel!

Trash Removal (DVD) – Rising star Indy filmmaker Maddie Deering has had her latest released onto an anthology “Natasha Nighty’s Boudoir of Blood 2”. This fun short film has a group of individuals picking up trash in the woods near by an old chemical spill for community service. It doesn’t take too long for this boring day of community service to be interrupted by a killer trash monster! Hilarious characters get destroyed quickly by the cheeseball monster which this short film easily feels like a lost SOV title you would find on the dusty shelves of your favorite independent video store ‘insert name here’ in 1992 next to a “Cannibal Campout” or “The Slayer” where alphabetical order didn’t matter like in the one I went at that time! Fun times with Maddie as I give 3 out of 4 stars for this project that can be found on “Natasha Nighty’s Boudoir of Blood 2” at www.sovhorror.com .

Day Shift (Netflix) – A solid action/vampire flick starring Jamie Fox as Bud Jablonski pool cleaner aka vampire hunter. Kicked out of the hunter union Bud is forced to take what he can get for vampire teeth. Problem his daughter needs braces and tuition for that private school she attends and he begs for one more chance to be in the union because that is where the money is. Shitty villain… but lots of fun characters that include Scott Adkins and Snoop Dog as the most respected vampire hunter and ladies’ man in town which helps the film get over its shortcomings as I give it 3 stars.

Misty Darkness (DVD) – A lost Todd Sheets project from 1987 or 1988 who really knows but it has finally gotten its release. Honestly this is one of the first films listed that Todd Sheets made and from the get go it is clear this is the late 80s with the various clothes, parking that is cheap in the background, and the cars you couldn’t fake on any budget. Anyhow, a group of so-called friends or people Todd knew at the time head into a haunted attraction called “Misty Darkness” for a night of scares. Doesn’t take long for the group to be slaughtered and turned into zombies to do the bidding of a demon that has locked the group inside. The demonic presence sports a leather jacket, a sword, and looks like a young bootleg version of 42nd Street Pete! If you are an SOV fan you’ll love seeing a young Todd Sheets and will want to own this gem as the DVD does have a commentary and a quick behind the scenes segment as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars.

Glorious (Shudder) – In the vein of finding horror films that have no right being this good I dare you to go watch what I believe will be in my “Top 5 films of 2022”. We are given the character Wes who is in a bad place in his life after a break up with the girlfriend. Confused, depressed, partying around a fire by himself at a rest stop off the highway, (I enjoyed the scene of him breaking his cell phone). Next morning Wes heads into the bathroom to take care of things which after he finds himself talking to an evil glory hole! Here Wes and a god try to hash things out about saving the world as we know it. The movie is so simple and fun you will be surprised how much you will enjoy this very smart horror film as I give it 4 stars all the way!

The Pursuit of D.B. Cooper (DVD) – A what if after the event of D.B. Cooper jumping out of the airplane over Colorado with $200,000 one November day 1971. A mystery that has fascinated people since it happened got a movie ten years after in 1981 with a great cast that had Treat Williams as Cooper who after landing in the mountains goes back to his wife. From there he convinces her to run to Mexico and enjoy life but Cooper’s former military commander now insurance man is hot on his trail. A fun early 80s cat and mouse flick that would be great if you double feature it with “Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper” and just check your brain at the door for some fiction injected into the mystery as I give it 2 stars.

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (DVD) – A film that literally has a webcam recording a lonely teenager Casey who takes an online challenge and documents or believes some changes are happening? What helps feed into her believing something is happening is her conversations through Skype with creepy dude about the history of this challenge and his so-called concern. Now saying that honestly folks this film wasn’t made for me as it isn’t terrible or great. The film’s shelf life has up already! Folks all this film is something that you could do in 30 seconds of just randomly watching or falling down a wormhole on YouTube. To me this film isn’t special; I mean people did yinz all forget “Slenderman” or the hundreds or thousands of other internet challenges stupid people have paid way too close attention too? Also this film is literally made for the 13-17 age group which you immediately lost as soon as they click on a different app, start texting, etc. So when it comes down to it this project falls into the category “was it an actual film?” Movie watchers if you are looking for something actually creepy and I think still relevant I give you two words, “Hard Candy”. Enjoy being uncomfortable… in the meantime I give this film zero stars.

Trepanator (DVD) – Need more ‘Re-animator’ in your life? I give you this 1992 French horror rip-off where Dr. Herbert East takes over where his father left off years ago doing experiments with human brain transplants. After a young boy is ripped from his father’s hands years ago and sent to the U.S. he grows up to be Dr. Herbert East where he is trying to make his experiments a success in order to help pay his uncle’s debts for the clinic. Herbert East’s biggest issue is rejection, if he can conquer this then the experiments will be a complete success including a small “Maniac Cop” rip-off. A bloody hilarious rip-off as I give this horror experiment 2 ½ stars.

The Last of Sheila (DVD) – A feature film that is a murder/mystery from 1973 that if you are looking for something to cleanse your film watching brain is absolutely brilliant. Apparently the story of this film comes from one of the writers Anthony Perkins… yes that one who said their scavenger hunts and games him and other celebs played in the late 60s and early 70s inspired this project. The film is littered with 70s star power! But our film begins with Sheila, a beautiful woman who rushes out of a party one night after an argument. She has the misfortune being a part of a deadly hit and run. One year later her husband Clinton (James Coburn) being a twisted son of a bitch gathers friends and people who he is going to have in a film about his wife on his yacht for a week of games and partying. All involved have their own backstory and part of the game they are playing each night taps into that. Each night there will be a different quest and each will learn a new clue or secret about each other but about halfway through the film their host Clinton is murdered and adds a whole new layer to the mystery. If you are a fan of “Clue” the game or film you’ll wanna grab the popcorn and lay your eyes on this older feature because it is laid out wonderfully as a great “Who dun it?” A great way to spend a rainy night for two hours as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #579

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Shark Encounters of the Third Kind (DVD) – Mark Polonia and his scuba diving stock footage is back to haunt audiences with another killer shark film that pretty much fails to be a fun shark flick. In this mess, big headed aliens have entered the earth’s atmosphere to clean up a past mess. The film not played for laughs is mainly about the aliens fucking with sharks and past alien abductees… Next time Mark do fans a favor go make another “Feeders” film instead of what? FIVE SHARK FILMS in two years that has stock scuba diving footage, the same actors and characters, and maybe 60 minutes of actual film between five movies that possibly has been splice together? Not to be critical or anything as I give this shark film 1 star.

Python Island (DVD) – I am not me unless I stumble upon a giant snake film from China that has alternate title of “Giant Snake”. The film sets the tone with a child getting lost on ‘Cannibal Island’ where the kid finds a magical tree that is protected by snakes. After being rescued and his village being ravaged by giant snakes years later the kid all grown up returns to the island with the right intentions to find a cure for his native island where they have been cursed with a mysterious illness. Lots of action, bad CGI snake effects, and people getting eaten keeps this interesting enough for weirdos like myself as I give it 2 stars.

The Devil Doll (DVD) – A 1936 Tod Browning film that is more of a thriller than horror than involves an escaped convict. A wrongly accused convict escapes with a partner from prison only to quickly inherit a secret that gets the man thinking of revenge on those who framed him? Using this certain power and costumes he is able to weave his way back into the lives of his old business partners. The film won’t blow you away in effects or what not but I found myself enjoying this character going to great lengths for revenge and making sure his daughter is well off as I give it 3 stars.

Starship (DVD) – Always looking for fun and dumb science fiction flicks so I give you this Aussie feature that is also known as “Lorca and the Outlaws”. The film is set on another distant planet where working conditions are shitty and an evil dude with an army of robots is trying to wipe out human rebels. There is a ship coming in from Earth and the rebels wanna use it to escape but the evil dude has other plans as he has been given orders to wipe out all human workers and replace them with robots. The movie can be a bit boring at times but I did enjoy finding another film that had Hugh Keays-Byrne in as hired gun to search for the great Lorca as I give the film 2 stars.

Amityville Cabin (YouTube) – So yes entry #38 for all of yinz counting is a short film that is available on YouTube about a no-budget film crew heading to a haunted cabin. Of course things go horribly quickly but not without the film crew basically winking back at the camera the whole time during this short film as I give 1 ½ out of 4 stars as I have seen much worse in this series.

The Barn II (Theater/rough cut) – Now understand horror fans the cut I and many others at the theater got to see is not a finished product. From what I know there is effects still being added, cuts needed still, and a couple corrections, the usual stuff but it is finally finished for us to all go enjoy. Anyway the lone survivor of events a couple years ago is off to college and in a sorority trying to help out with a fund raiser that just happens to be a haunted house or barn. As the small town folk struggle to get past the ban of Halloween being dropped people celebrate and head out in mass to the haunted attraction. But the demons/creatures seem to have some unfinished business and return. Lots of cameos that I wasn’t sure they were gonna work going in to see the film proved me wrong as I enjoyed seeing not only the big cameos but the smaller Indy cameos as they all a place in the film and didn’t feel forced. Without getting too much into as it being a sequel you Justin Seaman and crew wanted to make sure there is more monsters, blood, and Ari Lehman as I give the rough cut 3 out of 4 stars as this wraps up and gets me excited for what Justin and crew do in the future?

Bigfoot or Bust! (DVD) – A pretty recent Jim Wynorski film that has a group of women heading to the woods to look for Bigfoot (it is better you don’t ask why)! Their main task of doing this is shooting Bigfoot in the peen so they can get on T.V. and be relevant. Meanwhile there is also another group of women who come from 50 years in the future to find Bigfoot shit because it is worth millions in the future. Poor acting from the usual Wynorski acting staples, musical numbers, a trampoline (it is a dumb scene), lots of bad fake boobs, old T.V.s being thrown away illegally, and “The Good, The Bad, and The Bigfoot” skit litter this so-called film. Every time I watched hilarious garbage like this I do remind myself he made “Chopping Mall” as I give this 1 star for the mere reason the Bigfoot was actually entertaining.

Shark Side of the Moon (Tubi) – Asylum Entertainment has a new home to throw up new features since an unnamed network has become the ‘Harry Potter’ channel and that home is “Tubi”! So of course any crazy ass dumb shark film starts in 1984 Russia where the Russian scientists are experimenting with sharks and making them humanoid soldiers. The experiment gets loose and a couple scientists save the world by taking or sending the sharks to space depending how you look at it? Anyway 40 years have passed and NASA sends a crew to the moon to begin setting up for colonization of the moon. Sorry, nope, instead these astronauts find hybrid sharks who are surviving on the moon including populating it with plans to return to earth for world domination! But to the astronauts’ surprise they find the lone Russian scientist that knows about the experiment and a human/shark hybrid that is attempting to destroy all hybrid shark plans for world domination. I laughed a lot during this film for good and bad reasons but bottom line it was entertaining as I give it 2 ½ stars.  

Dead Zone (Tubi) – Jeff Fahey and Michael Jai-White star in a cheaper but possibly more entertaining version of the first “Resident Evil” film with special suits because the government is using dirty bombs to kill zombies as I give it 2 stars.

Mutant Blast (DVD) – This is one of those holy fuck gory post-apocalyptic zombie flicks out of Portugal where two survivors try to survive an onslaught of zombie chaos. One is military trained and stabs a lot of zombies in the skull, the other is some hung-over dude who happened to walk into this mess and eventually grows a rat out of his left hand that the rat’s mum comes looking for it eventually. If you enjoyed weird shit like “Bad Taste” and “Evil Aliens” this is your bag kids as I give it 3 stars.    

Massacre at Central High (Blu-ray) – This 1976 film always had that T.V. movie feel to me and it has never looked so wonderful than it does on this Synapse Films Blu-ray. A staple of early 80s cable for me and most likely many others as it was time to revisit this more than relevant film about high school students and write a new review. David is new to the high school and an old friend of Mark who David helped out a while back. Mark wants to introduce David to his clique as they get whatever they want. But it doesn’t take David long to know this small group are bullies and have bullied the whole school into submission. David tries to help out and walk that fine line of standing up to the bullies and defending those who have been bullied for a long time. But after an attempted rape by this clique and David beating them up they pay him a visit and cripple David. Now David just wants revenge, but there is one problem as he gets rid of the bullies, new ones pop up causing David to think bigger in ending this vicious circle of life. The film is over 45 years old and more relevant now than then and seeing it at a young age I may have never comprehend the movie’s subject matter? What makes this film great and David’s plotting relentless is the characters were perfectly casted (Andrew Stevens, Derrel Maury, Robert Carradine, Kimberly Beck, Ray Underwood, just to name a few), there is no adults getting in the way for most of the film, and most likely any person that has or will watch this film/Blu-ray know or have known one of these characters at this school in the film. Again it’s over 45 years old and the film still has realism to it. Along for the ride on the Blu-ray is some audio interviews, trailers, and a very cool documentary that if a fan of the film will have you ‘nerd’ out on who they got talking about the film? A pretty cool release for your physical media collection from Synapse Films as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars, for more details go to www.synapse-films.com .

River of Death (DVD) – Actually been looking for this Michael Dudikoff film for a while as it seem to be out of print until recently as it is popping up everywhere on streaming services and physical media. Our film begins in 1945 Germany where a series of events has a couple Nazis screwing each other over to escape capture or death but also to continue some evil Nazi experiments. Flash forward twenty years in the Amazon jungle Dudikoff (Hamilton) is guiding a doctor and his daughter through the jungle to find the source of a mysterious disease killing the natives. After getting captured and shot at Hamilton wants to go back as he believes he has found ‘The Lost City’ and that is where the doctor’s daughter was taken too. Problem, a lot of people are interested for their own selfish reasons including a Donald Pleasence he believes the Nazi doctor (Robert Vaughn) that screwed him over is alive and well! They all venture into the jungle to survive heat and cannibals to go find ‘The Lost City’. Dudikoff isn’t a ninja but this film was still damn entertaining as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #578

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Sharkula (DVD) – Mark Polonia is pooping out low budget shark movies left and right so it comes to no surprise when Dracula is forced off a cliff long ago and bitten by a shark in the ocean. Many moons later Dracula returns to the same area to run a place on the seaside called “The Basket O’Chum Restaurant and Marina” where he controls most of the coastal town. To help Dracula’s control he sacrifices poor souls to the ‘Sharkula’ as part of his pact with the sea devil. Honestly folks this is bad but I have to admit I laughed several times for the mere reason it is “Sharkula” as I give it 2 stars.

Helsinki Mansplaining Massacre (On Demand) – An interesting 15 minute short film concerning a couple who is in a car accident and rescued by a group of men. But rescued is used loosely here. These men’s egos bruise easily as they all believe men are superior and women are only good for housework and breeding. Now Essi is just trying to survive these morons and trying to escape a bad relationship. It’s hilarious, it’s fun, and relevant as I give it 3 stars.

Jill Rips (DVD/YouTube) – This 2000 Dolph Lundgren film is also known as “Jill the Ripper” on VHS that was also directed by Anthony Hickox. The film is set in 1977 Boston where headless tied up bodies of men are showing up around the city. Matt (Lundgren) is an ex-cop who left under odd circumstances and now is back as his brother was the first victim. Matt quickly finds himself out of his element as looking for the killer has him falling down a wormhole into kink and bondage he could never imagine. An interesting serial killer flick especially for Lundgren but as usual his underrated talented ass pulls off a great performance in a ‘not your usual serial killer flick’ that I have to give 2 ½ stars too.

One Night Stand (DVD) – Yes, I am a little obsessed with ‘end of the world flicks’… Can’t help it as I grew up during the 80s where a lot of those flicks got made. Anyway this 1984 Australian film takes place mostly in the Sydney Opera House where four people quickly become friends as the world might be ending as they know it outside? It is New Year’s Eve and news of a nuclear device going off nearby has all residents on standby as these four try to entertain themselves believing or at least holding out hope for everything to be better in the morning. The four try to make the best of it as a good bit of the film is how they interact with each other and watch how they look back at what is left of their young lives. The film is a bit dramatic but has a really terrifying ending that I think still works today as society keeps pushing for extinction as I give this film 3 stars. If anything the film is worth watching for how it ends, great stuff.

Prey (Hulu) – To be honest I didn’t have high expectations for this Predator one-off as it was going the route of streaming. But rethinking this opinion as I watched the movie two things popped in my head: 1) everything is going to go streaming sooner than later. 2) I really enjoyed even though it’s a one-off it still tries to connect to the series but give the movies a fresh start. “Predator” just like the “Puppet Master” series has many stories to tell so I am happy with watching a Predator heading to the 1700s to go fight some Native Americans so please Hulu give us more as I give this film 3 stars.

Badlanders (DVD) – Some of our friends overseas might know this 1992 sci-fi adventure as “Prison Planet” starring bootleg Michael Pare. Bootleg Pare and his girlfriend get captured on purpose trying to erase records of rebels so the government can’t find all of them. But also so Bootleg Pare gets sent to the prison planet so he can find their king, Himshaw, who was banished by his brother 30 years ago. Honestly the film drags and doesn’t have a whole lot going on even with the bootleg of a bootleg villains as Charles Band in his Empire Pictures days would have dome this much better and we most likely would had an appearance of a Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton? I wish this little known film was better but it was mostly a dud as I can only give it 1 star.

The Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter (DVD) – A group of cheerleaders more concerned with their upcoming sleepover than school are missing their friend who is hosting it. This is where a senior, Lori comes in, as Lori has been trying to get on the squad every year but denied. Now Lori has a chance for an in on the squad as they need a new location for their sleepover. The film has a creepy camera kid, a killer that shows up before the credits, cheerleaders getting naked as it checks all the boxes to pay some homage to “Slumber Party Massacre”. But two minor issues with this film: the pacing of the film felt forced from beginning to end and the music didn’t fit the film. But the film has heart and in the spirit of the old school cheerleader slasher films this will find a place among horror fans as I give it 2 stars.

The Athens County Massacre (DVD) – This absolute boring piece of crap is a found footage/conspiracy flick involving unsolved homicides in 2014 called “Athens Woods Massacre”. According to the teletype at the beginning of the film some hackers have gotten ahold of footage and F.B.I. documents of this cover up! The event involves a hack alien investigator William Miller who has a show called “Alien Hunter”. When William Miller is being one of the most annoying film characters of all time He finds himself deeper and deeper into this so-called cover-up of aliens killing people in Athens County Woods. Does he ever really find evidence that is up to you to find out? Or if you or me you regret some life decisions like watching this dog turd and want your 80 minutes of life back as I give it 0 stars.

The Night Before Easter (DVD) – A super terrible 2014 Indy film where a group of friends go to play ‘hide and seek’ and party in a large storage building to send off a friend to London.  But a person dressed as the Easter Bunny is killing them off one by one. This film is ridiculously slow and I have never seen characters look so awkward when interacting with each other as everything seems dumb and made up on the spot and nowhere near a good way. This film insulting to killer bunny films as this has to be one of the worst films I have watched in 2022 as I give it 0 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #577

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Island of Blood (DVD) – Before we get into this lesser known slasher film/thriller from 1982 some of you might know this as “Scared Alive” or even it’s more popular alternate title “Whodunit” which is available on YouTube for free. Anyway we have a film about a film crew heading out to an island (stars Rick Dean and Steven Tash) where they are going to film a low budget horror movie. Most of who are involved are just trying to expand their resume but little they know is this film wastes no time offing its characters in a quick bloody manner. The unknown killer uses music to determine the death of their victim along with its little twist ending which makes this a must see for fans of the 80s slasher genre as I give it 2 stars.

Carver (DVD) – An unknown low budget Halloween horror film from 2015 about two kids who are bullied and go missing on Halloween because of a dispute of a pumpkin carving contest. Eight years have passed and the kids aka bullies are seniors in high school and this Halloween they all receive an odd carved pumpkin on their front porch to send a message of things to come that night? As the friends get killed off in gory fashion during the major Halloween party the film goes to a very dark and creepy place after the reveal of who the killer is… Great story telling, solid acting, but this film is missing the right music? The film’s composer or whoever decided on this almost literally steals “Carpenter’s Halloween theme”? It’s like they had no choice in music choices for the film except almost cross the line of just stealing the notes… This hurts this wonderful film overall as there are fun independent composers like a Matt Cannon or a more big budgeted Indy composer in Midnight Syndicate that would have sent this film from an unknown to an independent Halloween themed film us horror fans are talking about with the likes of “The Barn”! Yep, I went there as I like this film but the music failed it as I only can give this movie 2 ½ stars.

The Black Phone (On Demand) – I enjoy being late to films and social media unless its “V.F.W.” remember who told you that film was bad ass but anyway I finally found myself watching this new Ethan Hawke (aka maybe the new Rutger Hauer?) film. The film is set in 1978 Denver, where a serial killer or kidnapper nicknamed the “Grabber” is grabbing kids under 18 years old over a several month period. Finney and his sister Gwen talk about it but don’t think about it too much until Finney’s best friend gets snatched and Gwen has a dream about where the kid might be? From there it isn’t too long before Finney is grabbed by the “Grabber” who wears several faces and keeps him in a soundproof basement. The “Grabber” is fascinated by Finney as he doesn’t play the games with him the other victims did as Finney begins to talk into a disconnected black phone where it is the past victims trying to help? I honestly wasn’t expecting much from this flick after watching the trailer and seeing what others have said but I got to say I was pleasantly surprised with this horror/thriller and definitely give it my approval to all of yinz to give it a watch as I give it 3 stars.

Prison of the Psychotic Damned (DVD) – I must apologize to my neighbor Nathan for watching this with me over some beers that help make this paranormal Indy film any better. A group of ghost hunters investigate a supposedly haunted train terminal that was so horrible it makes me feel bad for the bad things I have said about “Grave Encounters”? I give it 0 stars and no the huge naked breasts at the beginning of the film don’t make up for the crap you threw in front of the cameras.

Evil Dead Trap (Blu-ray) – Excuse me as I reach deep into the Asian-cult horror film culture with this flick that I remember seeing once and only time on a bootleg tape in the mid-90s. A Japanese horror film from 1988 that gained a rep of a “must-see” horror flick through tape traders and bootlegs throughout the 90s. It is centered on a TV reporter Nami, as she has received a tape or more specific a possible snuff tape from a superfan? Nami makes a case she wants to investigate if this is actually real and her research takes her and a small crew to an abandoned air base. Nami’s ‘Late Show’ is struggling in the ratings recently and something like this would for sure put her back on top! The crew believes this is a fun idea until they run into someone with a split personality and brutally kills them one by one in this crazy, gory, over the top horror film that finds a way to go even beyond insanity with its ending. Honestly I can tell you the Blu-ray transfer isn’t too much different from the bootleg I seen as many others a couple decades ago did too but something tells me there wasn’t much source material to grab from? But there is three different commentaries in this package and a few interview tidbits that the cult following this film has will find pleasing as I give it 3 stars.

Avengers Grimm: Time Wars (DVD) – By some chance you wonder if I still watch some dumb ass shit, this is proof as I give this nothing as I feel like Asylum Entertainment should be paying me at this point?

Crosstalk (DVD) – In case “Demon Seed” among many others of the late 70s and early 80s computer horror films were not enough for you there is this Australian flick where the “i500” does everything and is about to go public, maybe? Ed is the main dude behind the i500 and finds a malfunction as the computer can control everything but things change after the computer causes a horrible accident for Ed that puts him in a wheelchair. Working from home on the new i500 and pressure from the company Ed is trying to figure out the malfunction but meanwhile the computer is learning and spying all who are around as both the i500 prototype and Ed are being pushed out by the company… I can only give this Aussie flick 1 star as it seemed restrained most of the time.

The Halloween Store Zombie Wedding Movie (DVD) – I absolutely love the concept and story is okay but the filmmakers failed with having full reign in a Halloween Spirit Store as the backdrop for most of their film as it also claims to have a $100,000 budget? Someone took the money and ran! Just in case you were curious an urban legend called “Ole Jeremiah” comes to haunt the store on Halloween night and traps a few employees, a soon-to-be-wed couple, and a fake paranormal dude cause he wants revenge for something that happened over a hundred years ago. Again I go back to you have full reign of a Halloween store for a horror movie and you give me some kind of half-ass carbon copy of “The Clerks” with more of a love story feel… Someone got robbed here and it wasn’t just the people who watched this film (me and about five other people) but filmmakers you should know better: Use what you got and neglect what you have as this film had potential but just makes me want to wait for the 50% sale at the Spirit stores a couple days before Halloween as I give it 0 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!