Gross Movie Reviews #412

0

Gross Movie Reviews #412

 

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – It took me awhile to watch this reboot of the franchise but for good reason as I am a fan of the originals and the Mark Wahlberg abomination of the early 2000s. But I heard enough good things and decided I thought it was time to give this movie a chance. And guess what this newer version is pretty good as James Franco is a scientist who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s. After many failed tests a female monkey shows promise of improved brain function, etc. When he has a presentation the monkey loses its shit because it is protecting its baby and is put down after the incident. Franco’s character takes the baby chimp home and he continues his research as he eventually tests it on his own father and it works. Along the way Caesar is learning at an incredible rate and knows sign language while Franco’s father is doing great. Several years pass the disease comes back and it gets the father and Caesar in trouble. Caesar is taken away and he begins his uprising of apes at an abusive sanctuary while viral monkey flu happens when testing continues on monkeys and a human is exposed. The movie ends as it becomes a signal of the fall of man. I enjoyed this version as it went out of its way to separate itself from the originals but keep the heart of what made them good. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – This sequel picks up several years after Caesar and the apes went into the woods to live away from mankind. During that time mankind all over the world has fallen because of the monkey flu. San Francisco is in ruins and what is left of the people who live there send a group of people into the woods looking for a dam. If they can fix it they can restore power to the city to stay alive. But the apes will not let it happen as they do not want humans near their home. It’s been a couple years since the apes seen one and was starting to believe all humans had died? In dire need of power a group of humans from the city go back and talk to Caesar to convince him this is the best and most peaceful solution. But just like humans the apes do not trust the other and one plans on killing Caesar making it look like the humans killed him. Caesar always believed apes were better but learns the hard way as both human and ape survivors lose their homes in a fight in the ruins of San Francisco. Caesar gathers the apes to leave knowing a war is coming as a military force has been finally contacted thus setting up the new sequel “War”. I give this sequel 3 stars as it was just enjoyable as the first film.

 

Lunarcop (VHS) – This relatively unknown 1995 Michael Pare flick was also known as “Solar Force” in some countries. Michael Pare is Joe Brody and it is 2050 A.D. as Joe is a policeman on a space station where humans are trying to restart life on earth. Several years back “The Big Burn” happened forcing what’s left of the human race to this space station or the rich people. There are rumors of savages on earth but the goal is to shoot this invention into the atmosphere to restart life on earth until it is stolen by rebels. So Joe must go to earth for the first time ever to retrieve this item. He hangs with the savages as he saves people from the evil Billy Drago who just wants to destroy nearby villages. When Joe is convinced he doesn’t need to return to space with the item a cyborg is sent for his destruction. I give the film 2 ½ stars as you can never have enough Michael Pare in your life.

 

Dracula 3-D (DVD) – This well criticized version of Dracula comes from the horror mind of Dario Argento. My main reasoning for watching this movie is Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. But even Hauer’s presence cannot help this lackluster version of the popular vampire. Yeah there is some cool scenes full of practical gore but the transformation scenes of Dracula are completely laughable as they are digital and look like total shit. For me at least the movie is watchable but nothing in the movie makes you want to pop this bad boy in the DVD player again? I give this not so great version of Dracula 1 ½ stars.

 

5-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Apparently San Juan has a shark problem and the shark mutates to have a fifth head coming from its ass! A professor and her interns are talked into searching for the beast by a money grubbing boss guy in San Juan. Once the interns begin to become lunch for the shark the professor turns to an old boyfriend for help as the local authorities don’t know if they can defeat the mutant shark either. Nothing to exciting but the shark does have a head on its ass giving a new meaning to “ass to mouth”! I couldn’t let that one go as I give this somewhat boring flick 1 star.

 

Mississippi River Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Random sharks come down the river to begin attacking a fishing contest. A contest that stars Jason London to send the fishermen and women out to the river and to sign autographs because of his action star status. Nowhere near the best of the SyFy Channel shark films but it is pretty entertaining for most of the movie as Jason London plays himself and we you get a couple of locals in the movie trying to catch fish/sharks with a tow truck. Fun stuff for those of us that have pretty much watched every shark movie that has come down the film pike… I give this shark flick 2 stars.

 

Trailer Park Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Great title, great concept, has an odd looking Tara Reid (eat a fucking burger woman), a little lean on characters but remember the title. Some rich asshole owns some land where some rednecks have their trailers at. He can’t get rid of them legally so he hires a guy to go blow up a levy that will flood the trailer park. Meanwhile some of the trailer park folk have figured a way to steal electric from the nearby levy. Levy blows up, takes out the trailer park and a few people, but a shark arrives also to attack the survivors. It is B-movie trash but has enough laughs to keep you entertained as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Toxic Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – A reality show throws up on an island for young single men and women to get drunk and hook up. Problem is the water is toxic and has affected a local shark that now spits green shit from its heads that burns you like acid; its bite can turn you into a zombie of sorts, and still tries to eat you. Horrible concept and that is a lot for me to say as it gets boring quickly. The only thing that can save this movie is if “Shark Exorcist” would have come and helped. This movie can go suck the poop from my butt as this movie was beyond terrible as I give it 0 stars. But hey, on the bright side let’s all hope for a sequel to “Shark Exorcist”!

 

Circus Kane (Vimeo/DVD) – An old famous horror host/circus entertainer named Circus Kane disappeared after a violent incident took place at his circus over twenty years ago. A couple decades have passed and some so-called social media stars or to be more specific media stars of the horror community receive a random text from the icon Circus Kane. Declaring he is back with a vengeance and the individuals that are receiving the text have a “once in a lifetime chance at $250,000”. All the social media stars have to do is show up at a location at a certain time and they will be taken to the Circus Kane event. Once there they realize they are at Circus Kane’s mansion which has been redone for the stars to make their way through the scary maze. And just to give the event that extra flare, everything that happens to the guests while in the maze is being filmed to be posted on their social media pages. It is a fun and bloody time directed by Christopher Ray and written by the duo of James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward. So some thinking went into this low budget project that also sports a cameo from Richard Moll (who by the way looks a lot like Angus Scrimm now) and a twist for the three to maybe revisit the Circus Kane character again. The movie has its drawbacks but the pace of the film is quick and entertaining and I absolutely love the concept of the horror version of the social media stars wanting in on the big bucks. For that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.poolpartymassacre.com .

 

Empire of the Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Another attempt from Asylum Entertainment trying to do a “Waterworld” type of movie with sharks and we have John Savage as a warlord who owns the ocean. Savage’s character is building a machine that will produce fresh water without the help of humans and brutalizes nearby floating villages for slaves and tributes. There latest attack they kidnap a blonde girl who unknown to them her father was a shark caller or shark thingy? Whatever, she can talk to sharks basically. When her friends are being attacked when they try to rescue her Savage and others try to read her mind so they can harness her power. This power could rule the world or what’s left of it?  Just like last year’s effort this fizzles out into a boring mess of a shark movie that needs more time or effort to even think of pulling off to make it remotely good. I give this shark flick 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #411

0

 

Gross Movie Reviews #411

 

Odd Thomas (DVD) – Anton Yelchin plays a young man that does not have anything tying him down except for his beautiful girlfriend that knows his secret. Odd Thomas can see dead people. They don’t talk, get upset, or bother people but they use Odd to help them resolve issues. But what else come with that is these ghastly creatures he will encounter from time to time when there is evil present. Odd has a knack of solving murders and cold cases because of this gift and the local detective played by Willem Dafoe is thankful for this. We also get a weird but funny appearance from Arnold Voosloo who hangs out at a tire shop all day and makes jokes with his severed hand. The film is based on a series of Dead Koontz books which sad to say without Anton I cannot see a studio trying to continue the series as of now on the big screen. I give this nice surprise of a movie 3 stars.

 

Satan’s Storybook (VHS) – A lost shot-on-video anthology that stars Ginger Lynn (Allen) the former porn star as a ninja who her and her companion are in the realm of hell to kidnap Satan’s queen. After the companion is killed Ginger the ninja is able to kidnap the queen only to find out it is her sister which Satan told her that Ginger’s character was killed. So Satan sends out his minions to search for her as his jester tries to calm the dark lord with stories of a mass murderer brought back to life by a witch and a clown who hangs himself after being fired. When the queen is returned to Satan she leaves for the Black Forest with her sister upset at Satan. Of course Satan lied to you but it just makes the movie that much more of a fun hokey watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Devil’s Candy (DVD) – A man and his wife find a house cheap mainly because shortly after a man happened to hear Satan speaking to him and he killed his parents. But the man has returned to the home and wants to stay at the same time the father who is an artist keeps blanking out from our world and begins to paint these crazy images. These new paintings only get him in trouble with his daughter as he keeps losing time every time he enters the barn to paint and he is beginning to hear voices. Some cool satanic metal shit goes down in this movie (example: the killer plays a guitar loud to drown out Satan) but some things are left unexplained possibly because of cuts to the film. The movie at times felt like there was a lot more (15 to 20 minutes more) because of a couple characters that were introduced but not fully developed. This is not “Deathgasm” but maybe something a little more low key for fans of this type of horror movies as I give it 2 stars.

The Ice Cream Truck (DVD/Vimeo) – A young married woman named Mary has moved back to her small home town from the busy West Coast. She has arrived to get the house in order while her husband and kids are still finishing school and work. Mary meets the neighbors and they talk her into coming to a graduation party to hang and see the rest of the weird ass neighbors. As they establish how weird suburbia can be compared to the big city a dude with an old school ice cream truck roams the neighborhood at all hours of the day and night. Now this where the film gets itself in a little horror movie trouble: Is it a thriller/slow burn kind of thing where you are waiting for Mary to fuck the 18 year old dude? Oh which by the way who cares if his girlfriend gets killed by the young ice cream serving lunatic? Or is it a true gruesome slasher flick about the ice cream kid and his truck?  Plus you should know as a filmmaker ahead of time hey half ass horror fan will compare this to the Clint Howard classic of the 90s. I enjoy the creepy suburbia back drop and characters but the lack of trying to explain why exactly The Ice Cream Truck killer is there in the neighborhood hurts this film for the long run. Cool poster, good idea, but poor execution and its inevitable comparison to Clint Howard’s cult classic will hurt this film in the long run as I give it 2 out of 4 stars. Check out more about it at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (DVD) – Apparently Tom Cruise meant Pittsburgh as they go away from what they did great in the first flick and using Pittsburgh as the back drop. But in this sequel Jack Reacher helps out a fellow military officer who is screwed over when she investigates the deaths of two of her personnel overseas. The two race around avoiding authorities to prove her innocence and bring down the plotting officers within the army. The sequel is a far cry from the first film but doesn’t do itself any favors as this film seem to lack heart as I give it 2 stars.

 

The House on Willow St. (DVD) – Four criminals get together to plan out a kidnapping for quick ransom that will help all of them out. It’s an easy money grab or so they believe as they spend six weeks planning. But once they move in on the house for the kidnapping nothing seems to be right. It seems a little too easy. They find the girl and take her to an abandoned warehouse where they make the call for ransom demand. Problem is no one is calling back or seems to care. Strange things begin to happen to all four but nothing serious just yet as two stay at the warehouse to watch the girl and the other two go back to the house. Before they know it the girl they kidnapped just happens to be possessed by a demon that wants their souls and there is a house full of mutilated bodies that now has their fingerprints. The movie asks the question: What do you do next? I wasn’t thrilled with the film but did enjoy the gore and different concept for a horror movie as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Devil’s Dolls (Blu-ray) – Henry is a bad ass serial killer that uses a “Slumber Party Massacre”-like drill to kill his victims. But one gets away, finds authorities, and they gun him down. A detective who been tracking him down for a long time has Henry’s box of trinkets that happen to be evil. The detective’s little girl makes jewelry out of them and sells them at the second hand shop. Anyone that holds one of these dolls/trinkets becomes evil and starts fucking people up! The film keeps it quick, simple, and bloody and gives the paranormal genre a little twist as I give it 3 stars.

Garden Party Massacre (DVD/Vimeo) – Filmmaker Gregory Blair gives us a film about a couple (Caleb and Addison) who are having a small gathering that the theme is ‘no cell phones’. The party is all about people interacting with each other. The socially awkward party begins when all the characters show up and begin eating until a psycho with a pick axe shows up and kills the annoying girl. Now Caleb and Addison and fellow guests must figure out how to escape the house and make a run for it as the psycho killer has them trapped. The killer wants blood, the guests are in a state of panic, and Mr. Blair throws a curve ball for the party guests as much more happens. I would love to say more but then I would just be giving away the movie. Blair and company make great use of the house and backyard but the story set up and the actors playing the characters are the gems of this movie. The actors should be proud of what they done because they were simply entertaining and made this typical horror movie into so much more! I was just happy to see a movie with a title like this made but for the horror flick to be this much fun was just icing or blood on top of the red velvet cake (watch the movie you’ll understand). Plain and simple the movie was fucking brilliant and may show up on my “Best of 2017 list” as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. Go to www.gardenpartymassacrefilm.com for more details.

 

The People Who Own the Dark (VHS) – A Spanish film starring Paul Naschy of course about some government executives going to a castle in the middle of nowhere to get their freak on! But before the body fluids can flow like wine nuclear bombs have hit nearby causing blindness in people who were not in the castle’s catacombs. Now it’s everyone for themselves in this new post-apocalyptic world as the group of persons makes their way to a village for food and decides how bad is it? After killing one of the villagers and grabbing food they are eventually tracked down by the blind village who want revenge. The 1976 film has some odd pacing to it but has a pretty dark outlook of what happen to people who seen the blast and being affected by the radiation fallout. I give the post-apocalyptic 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #410

0

Gross Movie Reviews #410

 

Don’t Fuck in the Woods (DVD) – The poster looked bad ass, the premise sounded awesome, the title was perfect, and… the movie totally disappointed me. With the title you knew what was going to happen but the film introduces a slimy ass Ghoulie-looking creature that kills people having sex in the woods. This intrigued the shit out of me but as the film went along it failed to impress me of why or what this creature was there to begin with??? So some college kids head to the woods to hang with friends (Meg and Luke) to fuck and get drunk but that gets pushed to the side when they become worried that they cannot find their friends. More fucking, more violence, more cool looking creature but why is the creature there in the woods. No backstory folks! Yes tits are awesome, gore is awesome, but you added a fucking cool element: the creature, to this slasher storyline and falls limp. I believe this film could have been so much more in the right hands low budget or not and for that I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Beware the Slenderman (DVD) – A HBO documentary about an internet urban legend that affected three young teen girls’ lives. And apparently this is a thing that people are freaking out over even though it all started several years ago from an online Photoshop contest. It intrigues me and also proves to me: a) I am old and b) this younger generation is completely stupid and iPhones will be the death of us? But let’s get away from the old man talk as this interesting documentary show how two normal white bread girls went down the internet wormhole known as “The Slenderman”. Not only has it documented all the events leading up to the two girls trying to kill a friend for the Slenderman but the after effects among families, other friends, and so on. But for me being old it has several experts explaining how this can happen these days whether it’s from distant or non-existent parents to iPhones and iPads are addictive to this new generation may have no brains in their head. What doesn’t help as shown in the documentary as we become more disconnected these stories of the Slenderman are gaining steam more than the old school boogeyman, ghosts, etc., because it caters to today’s disenchanted youth. I am fucking old just typing that statement! But it is a really good and interesting documentary  that makes you want to follow what happens next with these two girls as they go through the court system convicted as adults… I give this intriguing documentary 4 stars.

 

The Purge: Election Year (DVD) – 18 years has passed since the original “Purge” happened and now a woman president candidate is making waves as she wants “The Purge” to be abolished! Now of course the inner rich government doesn’t want this to happen and the god fearing folks change some rules this time around to make it legal for government officials to be killed. All she got to do is survive the night and good chance she will be president. Intentional or not you can watch this film two ways: One, someone was really trying to make references to the current presidency in Donald Trump? Or two, just another violent thriller installment in the series just trying to keep up with the possible current trend in horror? Either way I still enjoyed the second film the most as I give this flick 2 ½ stars.

Beaks the Movie (VHS) – The movie of many titles (Birds of Prey or Killer Birds) or I like to call it: the movie that starred the delicious Michelle Johnson in a film trying to beat the sequel of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” out for release. The film starts off great as we witness a hawk/eagle gouging out a dude’s eyeball out and going for his jugular on a hang glider. From there Michelle Johnson plays a reporter Vanessa Cartwright who is trying to get her big break. While covering a random bird attack she learns there have been several others. She heads to a small town in Spain where birds have attacked before years ago and on their way again to waste to the town for no reason at all. Outside of the bird attacks and the slow-mo scenes the film is pretty boring. But hey it was made in 1986 so I had to watch it at least once as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Underworld: Blood Wars (DVD) – Now that I have lost track of what is actually happening in these films about werewolves vs. vampires, Kate Beckinsale returns as Selene the Death Dealer. Apparently all monsters want her ass dead! Has no clue where her daughter is and now a werewolf with hybrid blood wants to find her daughter so he can become the master werewolf and wipe out all the vampires… Oh hold on Lycan, have to use the proper name. But anyhow Brother Noopsie aka Charles Dance shows up to help welcome Selene back into the vampire coven only for all to get fucked over again. Okay I got bored. Honestly people this series of films got lost in its own mythology after the first film. The first film is great and I still watch from time to time. But since they have felt like globs of shit thrown against the wall and it doesn’t help such films “30 Days of Night” and “Twilight” has been released since the story of Selene has unfolded. Sorry Kate you are a hot piece of ass but I am bored of the Death Dealer storyline as many other horror fans are also. If you are still into skin tight leather on Kate B, this is for you as I give it 1 star.

 

John Wick: Chapter 2 (DVD) – So Keenau Reeves is back the man no one wants to see as you are about to be dead. The film picks up right after the events of the first event where he is looking for the Russian that took his car. And John Wick dismantles the whole crew just on principal of getting the car back. Once done someone cashes in a chip that is a debt asking for John Wick to do a favor. This favor is because John Wick was able to leave the hitman business. Now that John Wick has been forced into doing this task he is fucked over and had enough and is done with rules. Again wasn’t overly impressed with the action film but still enjoyed it enough I wanna actually see more of this underworld as I give this sequel 2 ½ stars.

 

Suicide Squad (DVD) – DC’s mess of a film where some of Batman’s villains are gathered to be a hit squad to take down the Enchantress. She has gotten back with her brother to build some machine and tear the world a part. The government also wants an option to counterattack Superman or someone like Superman who threatens them? The movie is a mess but still an entertaining mess as they didn’t ruin Harley Quinn as much as I feared. DC take your time and stop rushing these projects out and again take a cue from what yinz are doing with the DC projects on TV. My hope for this film is that we do get a Harley Quinn and Joker film in the future as I give this film 2 stars.

 

The Bye Bye Man (DVD) – A paranormal film that takes a different route in telling a story as three college kids’ move into a house off campus. But the house has a history of where a man killed several people who may have been driven mad by a thing called “The Bye Bye Man”. The man researched this urban legend and was eventually driven mad because he started to believe and it was making him seeing things. Once moved in one of the kids read something written in an end table and strange things begin to happen to him and his two friends. He researches the words and finds out it is something called “The Bye Bye Man” that will continue to kill as long you say his name. It’s a little odd but worth a watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Debt Collector (DVD) – A throwback mobster film made on a low budget about a debt collector Teddy Greene who believes doing things the old school way. He goes around collecting debts for his boss but when no one wants to pay Teddy is beating the shit out of hookers, pimps, and so on to get the money for his boss. But Mr. Stone is not happy with Greene’s tactics all through L.A. because people may no longer borrow money? Teddy growing more and more frustrated with life, ex-wife, and his boss goes to see an old friend for advice which he disregards until the latest debt collection is stolen. With all the independent horror movies that flood the internet and streaming sites it’s always nice to see a filmmaker take a stab at a different genre and do well with it. I really enjoyed this film for the mere fact that you really feel for the Teddy Greene character even when he makes a hooker suck his dick. Independent film fans will enjoy this quality flick as I give it 3 out 4 stars.

 

Tsunambee (DVD/Vimeo) – Been a while since I have watched a film that I want to unwatch but here it is. The film doesn’t know exactly what movie it wants to be (post-apocalyptic, killer bee, or just a Christian film hidden in a bad SyFy Channel copycat?) but of course fails on all levels. Apparently, giant killer bees are found and this sets off earthquakes and mass race riots in the streets of all the cities. A group of unlikely people set themselves up in a house on the countryside to try and figure out what is their next step but a lot talk faith gets in the way. The film goes from killer bees are attacking to people questioning faith. Unless the film is a bad sequel to “The Unholy” not many horror fans are going to pay attention to this garbage called a movie. Please stay away from this feature as I give 0 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Bonejangles (DVD/Vimeo) – A low budget film where two bumbling small town cops Doug and Randy just happen to help catch a supernatural serial killer named ‘Mr. Bonejangles’. Now with the capture the serial killer needs to be transferred to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium. The cops will meet the sanitarium associates hallway in a small town of Argento where oh yeah just happens to be cursed by a witch. Every April 18th a witch’s curse makes zombies attack the town and kill all they can. The cops and Mr. Bonejangles arrive late into Argento and the chaos has begun. If that wasn’t enough Randy is originally left the town when his life was ruined by his high school bully who is seen as the small town hero. The only plan Randy can come up with is trying to lure Mr. Bonejangles into the witch’s lair to kill her to break the curse and hopefully kill the supernatural serial killer too. The structure of the film is fun, the characters are likable, there is lots of violence, Reggie Bannister shows up talking about having sex once, and most of all the film doesn’t take itself too serious which adds to how delighted I was with the end product. Wasn’t expecting much but glad this horror flick surprised me as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

31 (DVD) – Well Rob Zombie used Kickstarter to get his film made. Sorry dude you are worth many millions of dollars and no way you can tell me you couldn’t pitch this to Lionsgate and get it made? But this argument is for a different time as a group of individuals driving the long highway on Halloween 1976 are kidnapped by a group of people in old school prison outfits. They wake up only to know a couple of them were killed and now they are about to become part of a random 12 hour show to three rich people who bet on killers stalking them. Now the movie is nor good or bad to me as I felt like I have watched this film or some parts of it several times over the past two years? There have been several independent horror films that have told this story so maybe I was numb to the film concept? Outside of the “Halloween” films this Rob Zombie film may have underwhelmed me as I have wanted Rob Zombie to do a different horror project. Something out of his comfort zone that may not have similar characters to his other films? But hey he can do whatever he wants I just know this movie wasn’t good or bad it just exists but I will be waiting to hear what he does next as I give this feature 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #409

0

Gross Movie Reviews #409

 

Grotesque (VHS/YouTube) – A late 80s Linda Blair film that seems like two films smashed into one. It’s no ‘Spookies’ but what movie is? Linda Blair plays a character that goes to visit her parents along with her best friend for the weekend. The quiet weekend takes a turn for the worse when a group of punks (pay attention as Robert Z’Dar is one of them) come by and brutally start killing all in the house. Blair escapes into the snowy mountain landscape as she is chased after by the punks. But this movie takes an odd turn where a thing has been watching from afar and now is killing the punks one by one eventually helping out Blair. But she falls into a coma and this large disfigured man who was saving her is shot down by police. The last two punks get off with the lack of evidence but the Linda’s uncle has some other plans as he knew about this disfigured person that hid in the cabin for years. The film takes a couple odd twists and seems like it ends two or three times. Not the best of the Linda Blair resume but a definite interesting one as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Silent Assassins (VHS/YouTube) – Sam “Flash Gordon” Jones is a detective whose girlfriend is Linda Blair who convinces him it’s time to move to quiet Colorado. But Sam’s old boss gets his attention with a case of a six year old kidnapped by a psycho drug dealer who has also kidnapped a bio-chemist! One boring thing leads to another as question what is Linda Blair’s role in this lackluster action flick? The film also stars action stars Phillip Rhee and Mako but that isn’t enough to save the film as I give it 2 stars.   

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

The Magnificent Seven (DVD/remake) – Denzell wouldn’t have been my first choice for the remake but he proved me wrong. Yeah I know this is a remake of a remake but this western just seemed less worried about what had already been done and more worried with just putting together a decent film. Good or bad it entertained me… But anyway Denzell is a man who puts together seven men to take on an overbearing son of a bitch and his army who have taken over a small mining and farming town. Yeah there is better westerns in the past but these days it is just nice to see a new western that is worth your time watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Star Crystal (VHS/YouTube) – During a routine Mars expedition in 2032 astronauts bring aboard a rock on their ship that causes the ship to malfunction and kill all aboard. Two months later the ship and rock is found and the company that owns the ship wants to know what happened? But it happens again and some people escape and the rock hatches with some ugly slime monster that kills people on board of the spacecraft. As they make their long journey back to earth and try not to be eaten the creature wants to learn and become friends with the crew because it didn’t know killing was bad? Imagine if you could make a boring version of William Malone’s ‘Creature’ on even less of a shoestring budget as everything throughout the film is so generic. Sometimes boring and not sure why I was laughing at most of the film but this 1986 film suffers from “the box art is better than the film” as I give it 1 star.

 

Clowntown (DVD) – Based on true events of course some friends going to a country music concert get sidetrack when one of them forget their phone in the diner. She gets a phone call and they are to meet in the small town ahead of them to retrieve the phone. But they get there and the town is all but a ghost town and apparently serial killer clowns live there. Plus the cops let them do their business as long as the clowns don’t kill the pretty girls so they can be raped. The horror movie suffers from trying to cash in on Rob Zombie’s film and trying way to hard making the clowns scary. I liked some the effects so I give the horror flick 2 stars.

 

Bus Driver (DVD) – Young bootleg Robert Forester meet the real Robert Forester as the bootleg version just wants to be a bus driver. But when his bus has a tire blowout and they knock on the nearest meth-lab house he must bust out his special forces training to kick some drug dealer ass. A low budget flick going the “Grindhouse” route of putting together the story of a bus driver just trying to protect his kids. Maybe a little stupid but entertaining enough for me to say bootleg version isn’t better than the real Robert Forester from ‘Alligator’. Give the film 2 stars for at least trying the concept out.

 

Death Race 2050 (DVD/remake) – Roger Corman and crew got behind this god awful abomination that has Malcolm McDowell and Yancy Butler collecting paychecks for possibly the worst film of 2017. This movie is so bad I am rethinking my stance on the Jason Statham remake and sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original masterpiece starring David Carradine. That is some major shit people as I have made it known I hated the idea of the Jason Statham flick. But this film is something of a shit show literally. This movie is crap so I give it crap as people who thought this would be a good idea should not be allowed to have anything to do with film ever again! Corman and crew you should have left it at ‘Deathsport’?

 

Yes, Madam (DVD) – Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock are two detectives who kick some major ass looking for this microfilm that could put a bad guy away for life. If that isn’t enough of a combo how about some of John Carpenter’s “Halloween” soundtrack used throughout the film? I give this ass kicking woman duo film 3 stars.

 

Extraterrestrial (Blu-ray) – Some college kids go to the cabin for the weekend as some weird X-files shit has been happening in a nearby town. That night after arriving at the cabin a spacecraft becomes a fireball and falls from the sky. The kids go check it out only to notice weird little footsteps leading away from the craft. They grab the double barreled shotgun for defense and shot an alien at their back door. They believe it is dead but its friends are pissed and looking for revenge as a crazy old Vietnam vet Michael Ironside cannot save them. I enjoyed the ending of this flick also as it did not pussy out like some flicks do when dealing with this genre aka happy endings. If you are a fan of films such as X-files, Almost Human, and Fire in the Sky this will fill your appetite for alien flicks as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Survival Zone (VHS/YouTube) – A South African 1983 flick that deals with the neutron bomb going off and killing most of the world. All is left is pockets of people in these survival zones. Or cannibal motorcycle gangs that are roaming the wastelands to kill farmers and eat nuns! Sounds better than it is but bootleg George Eastman is leader of the cannibal motorcycle gang that wants everything and goes to war with a farmer to have his 17 year old daughter. I give the post-apocalyptic film 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #408

0

Gross Movie Reviews #408

 

Madman (Blu-ray) – An amazing restoration of a cult-slasher film from the early 80s that includes: interviews, commentary, and other fun tidbits that you may have never known about the flick. A group of people are out in the woods telling stories of a legend called “Madman Mars”. The group scares each other as they near the old house that supposedly Madman Mars went nuts and killed his family. One of the younger persons of the group screams for the legend to come and get them after being warned to not. They pack up and head back to the cabin as it’s the end of the season and they will be going back to the city in the morning. But Madman Mars heard the kid and now is on the prowl to track down the group and slaughter the poor folks. Wonderful kill scenes, a good amount of blood and guts, and a disgusting looking yet cool killer (Madman) makes this slasher a must have and makes you question why there isn’t several sequels? This low budget feature follows the ‘Friday the 13th’ formula and now you know where the people behind ‘Slaughterhouse’ got the idea for their killer and poster art? A must own for horror movie collectors as I give it 3 stars.

 

Nightmare in a Damaged Brain (DVD) – A horror film that may or may not have had Tom Savini doing the effects for this gorefest of a slasher film? This has been always debated over and from what information I could track down on Savini he didn’t have anything to do with the project that is best known for a woman being decapitated by a kid. There is a guy who is a schizophrenic and has been tested on with a new drug. He believes he is cured and goes out on the town only to find himself losing his mind and begins to kill again while his doctors have lost track of him. He eventually makes his way back home but first he has several flashbacks of his murderous childhood and has several new victims. The film is on the sleazy side but also is uneven and can be dull at times. I give this odd sleazy flick 2 stars.

The Guardians (DVD) – A Russian version of ‘The Avengers’ that features a man that turns into a bear, has a machine gun and a woman on his back killing evil persons while running through Moscow! Yep, I am sold and do not need to say anymore but I will. After the Russians entered the war in 1940 scientists were doing secret genetic research. After several failed experiments over the years a scientist goes rogue and starts to use people to further his experiments. When the military tries to intervene the scientist gets caught in a chemical explosion and becomes a part of his own experiment only to disappear until now. During a high tech military exercise this monster reappears and takes control of all machines killing all involved and disappears. So the Russian military forms a team of superheroes Nick Fury style: Ler – a man who can move rocks and things and uses them as weapons or a suit. Khan – a guy who has swords and can move like the wind. Kseniya – who is able to regulate her body temperature? And my favorite because he looks like a character from the Sega game “Altered Beast” Arsus (I believe that is how it’s spelled) – is a man who turns into a thing with a bear head and when he is really pissed off turns into a giant grizzly bear! They must take down the former scientist Kuratov now evil monster mastermind who also made them into what they are. Kuratov wants to take over Moscow then the world and make more troops like him. His goal in accomplishing this is using an old Reagan satellite in space left over from the “Star Wars program”. First time around The Guardians is defeated quickly but they reset things and prepare differently to become a team and defeat this evil Kuratov before it’s too late. The movie is a brilliant comic book-style popcorn flick that fits right in with the Marvel and DC universes! I absolutely loved this exciting flick as I give it 4 stars. Come one for the love of Rutger Hauer you have a bear with a machine gun you know this is gonna make my “Best movies of 2017 list”.

 

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (DVD) – So I have jumped head first into this weird world of David Lynch and cult TV show and movie. This movie for the most part is the story about the homecoming queen Laura Palmer before her murder. Almost two hours of drug use, weird shit going on, sex, two FBI agents disappearing, and eventually violence. Don’t understand it but do give it credit for being weird and interesting as I give 2 ½ stars.

 

Space Rage (YouTube/VHS) – A young pony tail wearing Michael Pare is Grange where in a futuristic society he gets caught by authorities after a bank robbery. He is banished to a penial colony on another planet where the only escape is a supply ship that lands once in a great while. So of course once Grange arrives he begins kicking ass in prison and plans his escape. Once escaped and on the run there is an old dude trying to track Grange and the inmates down before Grange blows up the landing site and killing everyone on the incoming shuttle. Lots of cool car stunts and Pare shooting everyone on screen are the highlights of this unknown sci-fi/action gem as I give it 3 stars.

 

Starslammer: The Escape (YouTube/VHS) – Oh folks this is a lovely Fred Olen Ray mid-80s treat that is a B-movie combo of ‘The Ice Pirates’ and ‘Reform School Girls’ on a prison ship. Actually the film was titled “Prison Ship” in some countries and also includes a John Carradine cameo. The girls/prisoners have had enough of abuse on the ship and now are about to become part of some unwanted experiments. So with help from the underground they have a plan to escape. Fred Olen Ray madness is always good for 2 ½ stars.

Vice Squad (YouTube/VHS) – The movie represents a fictional account of what Hollywood police have to put up with in 1982 as prostitution was rampant. We are quickly introduced to Wings Hauser’s character Ramrod and his awesome Ford Bronco that now makes my “list of great movie vehicles”. Ramrod tracks down Nina Blackwood from MTV as she owes Ramrod money and believes her pimp loves her. Ramrod kills her but doesn’t know she contacted her best friend Princess and told her all about Ramrod. After some coaxing by local authorities Princess brings down Ramrod. But once in custody he breaks out of a moving police car and plans on finding and paying Princess a visit. A slightly sleazy Wings Hauser and Hollywood Blvd along with prostitution as the backdrop makes a wonderful early 80s flick worth the rewatch as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Harbinger Down (DVD) – A film written and directed by Alec Gillis with very cool practical creature effects starring Lance Henriksen as a captain of crab fishing boat out in the Bering Sea. He picks up some whale researchers that include his daughter that are there to measure climate change. One night the crab guys pick up something unusual after it was spotted by the researchers. Encased in ice they debate over whose find it is? But after some melting they notice the ball of ice is old wreckage with a pilot inside. But it’s too late something has escaped onto the boat and trying to take over all humans. Trying to figure out if its alien or not they figure out it was a decade’s old experiment that the Russians may have let the ship find it and see how the creature reacts? Plain old fashion creature feature with lots of cool creations and the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen taking charge trying to bring this ever changing thing down! A very solid and entertaining sci-fi/horror flick with more than enough cool creatures that deserves 3 stars.

 

FDR: American Bad Ass (DVD) – This film is an accurate portrayal of FDR played by Barry Bostwick our wheelchair bound president who led the US against the Nazis! In the early 30s FDR is bitten by a werewolf that gives him polio. FDR loses use of his legs but doesn’t let that get in the way of him going from governor to President of the United States. The film follows him from the campaign trail to where FDR gears up and fights Nazi werewolves in order to keep them off of US soil! To just explain it does not do the film justice as also the great cast makes this hilarious flick work. The great cast consists: Ray Wise, Barry Bostwick, Robin Sydney (Full Moon fanatics know her well), Kevin Sorbo as Lincoln, Lin Shaye, and Paul Ben-Victor as Werewolf Hitler. So you need to refresh your history this is the first place to start with this masterpiece of accurate history as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Monolith (DVD) – Bill Paxton and Lindsay Frost are two detectives that accidentally get involved with a highly secretive government project that consists of an alien force/parasite that has awakened. This parasite is able to jump from human body to another trying to get to its ship to leave. The government or John Hurt is willing to risk the world as this has been his life to find answers from this force. Throw in a little bit of Louis Gossett Jr. and you have a fine sci-fi feature that was mostly overlooked in the early 90s as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Void (DVD) – An extremely vague but interesting horror film that has some of the best movie creatures since ‘The Thing’? A man is picked up along a dark road and brought into a closing hospital by a small town police officer. Things only get stranger when the man does not wanna quit babbling and the police officer is attacked by a person in a white sheet outside. Once the doctor and nurses stop the bleeding on the officer more of these people in white sheets show up. Meanwhile another nurse goes nuts, rips her face off and stabs a patient in his eye killing him and that’s when it gets even weirder??? Two guys show up bitching about a massacre, a huge disgusting creature steals the state trooper and begins feeding on him, and apparently the good doctor of the hospital is the next Pinhead!? Fun and gruesomely entertaining film! My only drawback with the film is you must pay attention to pick up on some of the happenings because I would have liked a little more explanation. But this film is easily the new horror generation’s ‘Hellraiser’? I give this amazing creature filled film 3 ½ stars and most likely be somewhere on my “Best of 2017 movie list”.

 

The Shallows (DVD) – Blake Lively is a young woman who is at a crossroads in her life and just wants to visit a place her mother told her about. So she surfs and loses herself until the last surf out she finds a large dead whale and the huge ass shark that happens to be hanging out there. Injured and panicking she must act fast to survive and gets on a rock during low tide. Trapped she must survive the night and figure things out as the shark circles. The next day after a few attempts people are killed by the shark trying to save her so she either dies on the rock or figures out how to escape? The film has that fun ‘Jaws’ feel, the film is shot really well, and Blake Lively puts on a great performance. Add this flick to your list of great shark films to watch every summer as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Dead 7 (DVD) – Asylum Entertainment does it again as they do their own ‘Magnificent Seven’ but with zombies. The apocalypse has happened and zombies or in this case “copperheads” have taken over. Years have passed and now some people like the simpler way of living (Old west) and some like Apocalypta gather an army of undead to overrun the small thriving towns to take their supplies. A small town deputy goes on the search for several individuals to be crazy enough to go up the mountain and kill Apocalypta and her army of undead. Its cheesy and somewhat watchable but remember I have watched much worse as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Nightforce (DVD) – Rich kids don’t have much to do until their friend Christy is kidnapped by drug dealing terrorists from Central America. All because Christy’s father Senator Hanson has declared war on the drug dealing terrorists. So they want a ransom and want him to back down from his new policy. Linda Blair and friends gather weapons and make their way to Central America where they meet up with a war vet (Richard Lynch) and his pet monkey to take down the man and his troops who kidnapped their friend. Hilarious and over the top violence rules in this movie as Linda Blair is fucking people up in order to help her friend escape. If you pay attention closely you also get to see the great actress Kathleen Kinmont in a bar scene. I give 3 stars just because I miss this type of entertaining films where random 80s movies were just made never questioned…

 

Outlaw Force (VHS) – So Billy Ray is a stunt show cowboy who also sings. But when his wife is killed and daughter is kidnapped by some punks rolling through town he becomes an outlaw! Paul Smith and Frank Stallone are two officers of the law trying to track down Billy Ray’s daughter but when they are not getting the job done Billy Ray takes the law into his own hands. One by one he shoots, stabs, and hangs his way through the punks. And when he isn’t doing that he is singing his song “This Honkey is gonna Honkeytonk Tonight”. Another random fun B-movie from 1989 that is most likely get lost when a new movie format comes out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #407

0

Gross Movie Reviews #407

 

The Watcher in the Woods (VHS) – So I decided to sit down and watch this nonsense from 1980 where two sisters and their mother go to buy an old house off an old lady. The old lady thinks the older daughter is her daughter Karen from years ago that disappeared and talks to the woods every once in a while. The younger sister is played by the girl who played “Lindsey” in the horror classic ‘Halloween’. So of course the rest of the movie is spent me being Tommy Doyle behind the curtain trying to scare Lindsey until the alien shows up and returns Karen! Don’t worry you are not missing much in this flick as I give it 1 star.

 

The Dorm that Dripped Blood (Blu-ray) – I watched this slasher flick for the first time ever! Not totally sure how that happened but never got to see this flick until I picked up that ultimate Synapse Blu-ray. The movie was also known as “Death Dorm” and “Pranks” during the early 80s after its 1981 release. The film’s other memorable trait besides its artwork and titles are a young Daphne Zuniga showing up for five minutes and being a part of an awesome death scene. A generic story for “slasher film” standards but during Christmas break Joanne is in charge shutting down a dorm building and boarding it up. Meanwhile a fuzzy-haired dude that looks like an extra from ‘Slap Shot’ keeps doing a peeping tom routine. So of course soon as the bodies begin to pile up in gruesome fashion the fuzzy-haired dude is to blame. An odd ending to the generic story made me a little underwhelmed by the film but still glad I bought this great edition on Blu-ray. It isn’t: My Bloody Valentine, The Burning, Curtains, maybe even The Prowler but still glad to add it to my collection as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Monsters among Men (Blu-ray) – A dramatic independent horror film about a couple named Reed and Allison. Reed takes his woman out for a walk near the woods to pop the question. As she is saying no something happens to Reed wear he wakes up in the woods next to a dead guy and another dude digging a grave. Reed escapes and wonders who, what, or where is Allison? He comes to find out she has been abducted by a vampire because she is supposedly a “pure blood source”. Meaning vamps can gain extra strength from her blood and she has no disease. So Reed plans his revenge against these mobster-like vamps and help Allison escape as he still loves her. Most independent horror films that focus on vamps usually flake out by the ten minute mark to show a ton of boobs or lesbians. This isn’t a bad thing but it is always nice to see filmmakers like Ryan Blazic take a chance and make something more? For that I thank Ryan and his crew as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Found out more or to purchase the film at www.monstersamongmen.com .

 

Monsters: Dark Continent (Blu-ray) – A region B Blu-ray I picked up because I wanted to see the sequel but was really intrigued with the aliens/virus whatever you want to call them. Ten years later the contingent is still being fought but is now a part of everyday life especially in the Middle East. U.S. troops must not only fight off insurgents they must also shoot down the monsters as they run rampant in the dessert. Again I enjoy the concept of the “Monsters” but I think the writers and filmmakers miss the point of what this could be? The film is more about war than the monsters and makes you question are the writers and filmmaker trying to make a statement or a possible cool concept? Either way I believe this film and the original could be much more (Aliens franchise for example) but with the lack of interest in the US for the films and money needed to make the films this was most likely the last sequel we get anyway. I give the concept 3 or 3 ½ stars but the movie only 2 ½ stars.

 

Thirst (DVD) – Just a simple creature feature where troubled teens are sent to a boot/wilderness camp of sorts in the middle of the dessert for a week. Once there a metallic space alien arrives and begins feeding on the teens until they figure out a way to fight back. Think of “Ticks” with Seth Green from the early 90s on maybe even a lower budget. I may have enjoyed the simple creature flick but I do know Project mother fucking Metalbeast would have made this film that more interesting as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Presidents Day (Vimeo/DVD) – So you haven’t gotten all your holiday horror films fill yet? Well don’t regret it as another has been made that focuses on the Presidents Day weekend. I believe college kids… but not a major plot point are on their way to an old hunting cabin to celebrate Presidents Day weekend or just to get drunk. The kids are all your usual stereotypical slasher movie characters and they even point it out during the movie. They just happen to piss off the dead that just happen to be all the dead presidents or zombie versions of them? Anyhow the film is kind of slow and you feel like this is the usual independent crap that gets floated out there on a regular basis but it isn’t! Believe me give it a chance to get going as once the presidents are all up shambling or running around trying to kill the kids hilarious shit begins. Whether it is the bad puns, one of the dead presidents having sex with Ashley and then there is duel over her, or the presidents from the 1800s having a wrestling match after finding out there was a black president I absolutely couldn’t stop laughing. The independent flick doesn’t try to be hipster cool or reinvent the motion picture it understands it is a very low budget flick and uses it to its advantage. Oh there isn’t much plot but when a dead John Wilkes Booth arrives to help the kids kill Lincoln it is all so wrong but right and hilarious at the same time! Presidents Day is a fucking blast and I will debate myself on whether it will make my ‘Best of 2017’ list? But until then I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.midnightreleasing.com .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #406

0

Gross Movie Reviews #406

 

Wild Card (DVD) – Jason Statham plays a security consultant named Nick Wild in Vegas. He helps protect rich people when in town playing the slots or hitting the town. Nick is known throughout Vegas and is respected but he wants out of the scene but always finds him broke and still doing jobs. Things change when he takes a job protecting a boring dude  and the guy just wants to know what is it like being a consultant and Wild’s girlfriend gets beat up by a wanna be mobster. She wants revenge and wants Wild’s help to do it. The movie is and not in ways your typical Statham action flick. A couple cool cameos but the film focuses more Nick Wild not getting out of Vegas than him just busting skulls on a regular basis. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Ambulance (VHS/YouTube) – First let me just thank Jon Cross for digging this beautiful unknown feature out of obscurity. A Larry Cohen flick about a man played by Eric Roberts who works for Stan Lee by the way who obsesses over a woman he sees at lunch everyday but hasn’t talked too. So he does today and she has an issue after trying to shake off Roberts for several blocks and paramedics pick her up to rush her to the hospital or so it seems. Roberts’s character searches all the New York hospitals and nothing. Again obsessed he tries to track down what happened to her exactly. James Earl Jones who plays a police detective gets sucked into the mystery when Eric Roberts keeps popping up at disappearances talking about a strange ambulance picking up victims with diabetes. Just another example of Cohen’s work being brilliant as I give this must-see obscure flick 3 stars.

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (DVD) – A “USA Up All Night” staple that came from Troma in 1989 that will forever be known for having Billy Bob Thornton before he was famous and the fun Don Calfa. A woman biker gang (Cycle Sluts) arrive in a small town of Zariah looking to get laid and cause chaos! Unbeknownst to the young motorcycle ladies Don Calfa aka Ralph has been experimenting with humans and turning them into zombies. He hides or imprisons them in the old mine where he found some nuclear shit that he uses on unsuspecting humans to make them zombies. After eating a kid the zombies have broken loose and want to feast on the town. The only people that can help the small town survive are the Cycle Sluts! Bikers vs. Zombies! This simple but great Troma flick doesn’t get as much press as some of the other popular Troma titles but is a 4 star film all the way!

 

Garbage Pail Kids (DVD) – Finally after many years I sat down to watch this flick that I thought I would have seen in its heyday? I was 10 or 11 and collected the original Garbage Pail Kids cards. I have a dresser that holds extra shit in my basement with some these stickers still on it! But somehow I missed there even being a movie out in 1986 that starred these fun gross things. When I first stumbled upon this movie existing in the mid-90s I thought it was a joke but so did everyone else when it was released in the 80s. Thought to be a massive failure, it wasn’t as the budget was only a million bucks and most of that went to costumes and effects of the Garbage Pail Kids who built by John Carl Buechler. The creations or locked in a magical garbage can in antique store where a teenager works for a crazy weird dude who tells stories constantly. One day being bullied the garbage can falls over and oozes out and poof we have several Garbage Pail Kids! They help the young teenager get over being bullied and try to impress a girl. In return the kid must go find the supposedly other Garbage Pail Kids who were taken away for being “ugly”. Watching it now and thinking back to when these were big in the mid-80s I still would like to know whose idea it was to make this a movie because there really wasn’t a backstory to these cards to begin with. They appeared one day and became part of 80s pop culture for a short period of time. But reading into why this wasn’t a bigger budget film and its issues it had coming to the big screen I would have loved to see John Carl Buechler’s vision of this being a horror movie. Now that would have been a much better movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Zombie Fight Club (Blu-ray) – How to best put this movie is it’s like ten zombie movie concepts all jammed into one. Or a better description would be ‘The Raid’ meets ‘The Horde’ with some CGI but a ton of gore. More than anything this movie reminds me of a violent anime cartoon come to the big screen. Tough sell but another worthwhile flick for the zombie film die hard out there as I give it 2 stars.

 

Don’t Breathe (Blu-ray) – So it is Detroit and a threesome of young hoodlums wanna break into bootleg ‘Blind Fury’ Rutger Hauer’s house? Supposedly he got a huge settlement a few years back and is just sitting on it. One of the hoodlum’s father works for the security firm that protects and put in all the alarms for what’s left of Detroit. They use this to get in and get out clean of places. But this is different once inside because bootleg Rutger Hauer ain’t having any this breaking in bullshit and just happens to be keeping a teenage girl chained up in his basement! I wasn’t super impressed by the movie but at least entertained and understood this movie was literally directed to the 16 -25 age bracket… For that I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Besetment (DVD/Vimeo) – A young woman named Amanda is in a tough spot. Having a tough time finding a job, mom acts like she is still a drunken teenager, and Amanda wants to move out. Amanda gets a weird phone call from a woman for a hotel about 160 miles away. She of course goes there to take the job at the Oregon Hotel. All goes well until the mom/son combo freak out and are pissed she went out for the night around town. Now they have her tied to the bed, impregnate her; sew her mouth shut as mom has plans for Amanda and her son. The film is shot wonderful, the characters are great, enjoyed the effort put into the project but we have seen this story before and sometimes it can be only told so many times? I give the movie 2 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Safari 3000 (DVD) – Eddie Miles is a US stunt car driver looking for a ride in the African race called “Safari 3000”. J.J. Dalton is a reporter for Playboy magazine who is covering the race but needs a race car and a driver to get her around the course for the story. Together they steal an engine and try to avoid traps set by Christopher Lee and his associate during the race to finish it and get the story. Eddie Miles is played by David Carradine in this entertaining bootleg of a bootleg of “Cannonball Run” and Roger Corman had nothing to do with this flick as I give it 2 stars.

 

Screams of a Winter Night (VHS/YouTube) – A late 70s thriller about several friends go to an old cabin to tell stories to scare each other. Or the movie I am going to put on now when I have trouble sleeping because this shit was horribly boring! Avoid unless you have trouble sleeping as I give it zero stars.

 

Alien: Covenant (Theater) – Believe me I am still torn that they decided it was better to do prequels instead of sequels but I wanna see these alien creatures fuck people up. These movie creatures have always gotten my imagination rolling with where or what they could do next? But saying that, this film picks up ten years after the forgettable ‘Prometheus’ and a ship is out there with 2000 colonists that happen to get a rogue call or image from a nearby planet. They investigate their options as they are carrying 2000 colonists. Go check out this planet that was somehow overlooked by the company during scans or continue their voyage to this planet that is still over 7 years away in space travel? Of course they go to this planet and find it habitable until a couple crew members get sick and these creatures pop out of them and start attacking the crew on the ground. Then a dark figure happens to come by and help and it’s the android from the Prometheus and explains somewhat what happened… sort of? I am still mixed on the film for the mere fact it tries to explain where and how the aliens are made but also I can watch 28 different versions of “Aliens” movies and still come back for more. The film will still leave fans questioning some things but I do prefer this more than the last prequel. But for the love of Lance Henriksen gimme fucking sequels 20th Century Fox! The stories don’t have to connect just give me an “Aliens” flick every two years? I don’t hate it, I don’t love it but glad I checked it out at the theater as I give it 2 stars.

 

Scared Shitless (DVD) – Jim Roberts gave me a couple movies from his early filmmaking days and this is one of them as he teamed up with another young dude in Travis Schaffer to make a movie about a killer named “The Red Reaper”. Jim Jones lost his mother and sister to this “Red Reaper” a year ago and tonight is the anniversary and just wants some help from his friends. The friends show up, some fun poker playing begins, order the pizza, and then the killing also begins. As the killer is back trying to kill Jim Jones all because a pet fish died! Between that and seeing a young Jim Roberts in braces making one of his first projects entertained me. Now it isn’t “Mummy Sleepover Massacre” but still enough fun to watch as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Mark of Insanity (DVD) – Is another project from a younger Jim Roberts and his filmmaking buddy Travis Schafer where this story takes place at a Western Shop. A young guy named Wayne is quiet and just likes to be left alone to do his work. But after being picked on constantly about his family history and anything they can think of he snaps. After Jim has been pushed past his limits is when a masked killer shows up to start killing employees off. We even get a Leatherface dance from the masked killer in the film. Not as good as ‘Scared Shitless’ but still worth the watch to see the passion in Jim and others to get the project finished and out there. I give this Indy flick 1 ½ out of 4stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Yep, we been recording a lot so double episode drop again folks!

0

This week we are talking about some made for T.V. flick from the late 70’s in WHERE HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE GONE.  And Kyle returns to his favorite region for sleazy flicks of Australia for some quasi rape revenge in FAIR GAME.  Also, we answer your questions and talk about the upcoming slate of summer movies.

 

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

 

 We return to talk about a weirdo space vampire / quasi porno / B movie titty flick in EVILS OF THE NIGHT that has just been released by Vinegar Syndrome, And we review a flick that Kyle believes is better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in Tobe Hooper’s THE FUNHOUSE.  

 

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #405

0

Gross Movie Reviews #405

 

Territory 8 (DVD) – Depending what country you rent the film from or buy it is also known as ‘District 8’. Nope, don’t think it. The flick has nothing to do with anything as this flick was released in 2013 as nuclear waste disaster film. Some corporate/government types made an accident happen to see its results. But they were not counting on it seeping into the drinking water and soil and getting a town nearby sick. Now quarantined the town waits for the cure while a couple dudes in this top secret place try to come up with the cure. The natives get restless and raid the top secret buildings looking for blood as military won’t allow anybody to leave the area. Think the 80s film ‘Warning Sign’ but much more of a uninteresting watch. I give this piece of trash a ½ star.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Two (Theater) – So Marvel sets out to prove again they can make a movie that appeals to everyone and they did! The film picks right up from the first flick where the Guardians are fighting a monster for some conceded Gold people/assholes. After Rockit steals a couple batteries a whole armada comes aiming for the heads of the Guardians. With some help by a dude on a flying egg they make their escape and set down for repairs. They are greeted by Starlord’s father aka Kurt Russell and that is where the fun begins as we learn why Starlord’s father left him. After a few great 70s songs the Guardians are back at it by saving the universe from Starlord’s father as he plans on remaking all the worlds in his own way! Once again the film is freaking hilarious but I think I still enjoy the first film just that little more as I give this fun popcorn superhero flick 4 stars. There is a couple surprises as usual but also has the fans wanting more?

 

Doctor Strange (DVD) – Now this was an intriguing superhero movie that I thought could have gone south real bad. But surprise another interesting superhero movie that will have sequels. For those who don’t know, Doctor Strange is a great doctor who looks to fix the impossible in people’s bodies. But when he is in a severe accident that destroys his hands, Strange is devastated. With his last pennies he finds himself at the butt end of the world where he meets a woman, a wizard, or something that will cure him of his ailments. Strange being stubborn but a quick learner uses his photographic mind to become a powerful person who can help the world in many ways besides using his hands for surgery again? As he learns the ways to twist our world around with great power, that dude that played Hannibal on the TV show wants to let an evil presence take over the world. Compared to a lot of the recent superhero flicks, ‘Doctor Strange’ is quick but to the point. But Marvel/Disney also prove they can reach into the barrel of secondary but interesting superheroes and give us great movies but also expand the movie universe of what’s to come? I give old Doc Strange 3 stars and here is to hope of seeing a Spider-man cameo in the next flick.

Avalanche Sharks (DVD) – Ancient spirit sharks haunt a ski mountain resort when their totem is disturbed and begin feasting on all the skiers during spring break! Of course the resort wants to keep it quiet but the local sheriff and his marine biologist wife are trying to warn the young folks of being eaten. But the resort needs the bikini contest to go off without a hitch. Yeah the movie is worse than you can imagine but the casting is what kept me interested in the flick as Erika Jordan (known for her Showtime late night porn flicks) gets bitten in half. And the other is Kate Nauta playing the marine biologist aka crazy bad ass fighting chick from ‘Transporter 2’. And if it helps, this film has no relation to ‘Snow Shark: The Ancient Beast’… I give it 1 star.

 

No Escape (DVD) – The bad ass action flick that everyone forgets about but wants to watch. A film that was released in the 90s that didn’t get much support from the studio but you were glad it existed.  The year is 2022; a giant corporation runs the penial system. Ray Liotta is a Special Forces vet who killed his superior officer ten years before because of ordering him and others to bomb women and children. The event was swept under the rug so Ray’s character went and killed him. Since then Ray’s character has spent his time breaking out of all the maximum prisons. Now he is being sent to an island where no one escapes and the prisoners are watched by satellites. Once there he must decide is he with the crazy people or the prisoners who are trying to be peaceful and make the best with what they have on the island. The film is similar to Christopher Lambert’s ‘Fortress’: action packed, great cast, and not a lot of people have seen it but they know about it! I have always been a big fan of the film just for the mere reason it stars Lance Henriksen as ‘Father’. For that I give the film 4 stars and yinz need to watch this awesome flick!

Hangar 18 (DVD/YouTube) – A film that comes off as a TV movie but was actually released to theaters in 1980 about the event of aliens that crash landed on earth and were supposedly held up in Hangar 18. Darren McGavin plays the lead official for NASA and is asked to lead a team of scientists on studying the alien ship after it was forced down by a US satellite. Meanwhile Robert Vaughn plays a hard ass dude looking out for his own ass and the president’s as its election year and this incident must be covered up. So let’s blame the two astronauts. The two astronauts aren’t having anything to do with the blame or the cover up and soon start their own investigating as they are being followed by government agents. Vaughn is just trying to get through the next two weeks of the election and no one will care any longer. But when the astronauts learn of “Hangar 18”, the government pulls out all the stops to kill them and the NASA team so no info will be leaked out. In some circles this was seen as a documentary of the event and in other circles it’s all considered crap. Either way I am sure Chris Carter had this flick on his brain when he was developing ‘The X-Files’ TV show. For that I am thankful and give this this alien flick 2 ½ stars.

 

American Exorcism (DVD/Vimeo) – Damon is a dude that seems to be a fun family man but he has a demon trapped in him that he uses to help with exorcisms with his buddy who is a reverend/priest. After helping out a guy named Dale Damon comes home shouting things at his wife as he claims “it’s not her”. After an argument with his priest friend and trying to exorcise the demon from his wife, she is shot to death. Ten years pass and it’s believed the demon has possessed the body of his daughter   as the priest friend has come looking for Damon to explain they must perform an exorcism on her at midnight of her 18th birthday. Damon struggles with this as he hasn’t been in contact with her since her mother’s death but knows the exorcism needs to be done. The movie is a classic example of good idea but poor execution. Great job of building the Damon character and his background but it goes to the pooper quickly after the character’s wife dies. No matter what I am sure the younger crowd who have become somewhat obsessed recently with these types of films will seek it out as I give it 1 out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the film at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Master of the World (DVD) – The year is 1868 and all is well in post war Pennsylvania. That is until Vincent Price decided to build an airship inside a mountain and scare the crap out of people live nearby with all the noise and his voice. Chuck Bronson shows up to investigate and gets into a hot air balloon to check it out but is shot down. Price’s character kidnaps Bronson and others so they can witness his great unstoppable airship and what it will do to the world.  While Price’s character creates havoc all over the world Bronson and others must wait for the precise time to jump ship and sabotage the voyage! I give the 1961 film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html