Gross Movie Reviews #413

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Gross Movie Reviews #413

 

House of Wax (DVD) – This 1953 film is not only a Vincent Price staple among Price fans but was one of the first 3-D films released to the theaters. Remember the world was changing at the time and theaters were looking for gimmicks to amaze audiences and keep them buying tickets. Vincent Price is an artist in the film who runs a wax museum where he does historical people and the creations are absolutely loved. Price’s business partner tries to explain they can make money from the insurance if the place is accidentally destroyed? Price the artist refuses as he talks to his creations as they are real people. Business partner burns the place down and believes he has killed Price’s character. But several months later a new wax place opens but with a lot more violent tone to it and Vincent Price returns. But Price is disfigured and believes in using real people for his wax casts now! Fun Vincent Price movie in many ways and hilarious 3-D stuff to pick up on as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

The Haunted House of Horror – A slightly weird late 60s British film that also was titled “Horror House” stars Frankie Avalon. Frankie and some young party goers are bored at a party and opted to go for a drive to a little known haunted house. They actually use the term ‘ghost hunting’ while stumbling around the mansion before they decide to do a séance. One of the young party goers Gary is murdered but who done it? The story gets a little weirder when Gary’s friends agree to not call the police and hide Gary’s body thinking one of them are the psychopath. By the way Frankie Avalon eventually gets stabbed in the dick! The story is a bit choppy but for good reason as watching the film I learned the original director was fired and the film was supposed to be more psychedelic. Some footage made it and a bunch got reshot by another director (Cursed anyone?). If that wasn’t enough David Bowie was casted for the film but the studio thought him and Avalon would clash? On top of the things I even mentioned the killer runs off and credits roll before police get to the mansion. Track this film down movie buffs you will enjoy the stories about the behind the scenes stuff as I give the movie 2 stars.

 

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Fin Sheppard now a world hero is contacted by Nova who has found an ancient stone, the shark stone. Supposedly the ancients predicted the sharknadoes and predicted that world would be destroyed by them. The stone has power and the power actually allows you to control a sharknado. But not knowing this Finn and Nova accidentally causes the destruction of London when they bring the stone there. And the sharknado has kidnapped Fin’s son and Finn travels the world chasing the sharknado with the stone hoping to get his son back. Spoiler alert: There will be a sixth one! Possibly the only reason to still watch these films is what happens in the last two minutes of the film as Finn is thrown into the future world that has been destroyed by the sharknadoes. But Finn finds his son and it is Dolph Lundgren! Yep, I am in for sixth installment just for this reason as I give this sad boring sequel 1 star.

 

Galaxy of Horrors (DVD) – So Rue Morgue presents an anthology with several short films all sci-fi based. All the entries are really solid and we even get a weird “Videodrome-style” segment. My favorite might be the cannibals in space but the first two segments might hit home for young folks as it predicts where society is going and what it might look like? All the segments are played like music selections as a man is trapped inside a chamber that won’t release him. Again another anthology worth checking out for movie buffs as I give it 3 stars.

 

I.F.O.: Identified Flying Object (VHS/YouTube) – A low budget flick from 1987 that is also known under the title “Defense Play” which is the same title for a similar flick a year after this release with for more known actors in it. A misunderstood, computer savvy teenager living in Northern California who steals a mini-helicopter that has artificial intelligence, named REM and just wants to be free to fly at will. Corny movie that is a real low budget version of half of the popular 80s films at the time was most likely a movie that had its time on one the major cable channels when it was released and then disappeared. I give the movie 1 ½ stars.

 

The Evil Spawn (DVD) – John Carradine shows up for a minute as a scientist who is working with microbes from Venus in his experiments. He dies and his assistant begins her own experiments… on humans. She convinces a once popular actress she can have her youthful appearance back if she takes the serum. The actress desperate for a movie role as younger actresses keep getting roles she was once up for takes the serum. It works and makes more beautiful than ever but she begins to feel the side effects which her growing large teeth and mutilating people as her body is changing from the experimental serum. In no time she soon becomes a rubber monster creature that must eat. The film is a Fred Olen Ray produced flick which means no shortage of boobage. And the film is directed by Kenneth J. Hall who is known for doing several behind the scenes roles in early Full Moon projects. As usual it’s a late night monster romp from Fred Olen Ray that reminds me why this man should never be forgotten as I give the movie 2 ½ stars.

Clowntergiest (DVD/Vimeo) – Our story begins with a couple college girls who are staying over the summer in the small college town instead of heading home. Not a whole lot happens once college is out but that change one night when a man hunt is announced to a popular ice cream shop of police looking for a serial killer. No leads after a couple days and the one girl Emma begin seeing a clown and a balloon with a date on it in her dreams. But Emma keeps seeing it as the date is coming closer and does not believe it is a dream any longer, its reality. As the bodies keep piling up around Emma the paranormal clown keeps stalking Emma and her friend. The only way for Emma to not die on the date on the balloon is to conquer her fear of clowns. If anything the film isn’t as bad as it sounds as much as proving clowns are the new zombies of the low budget genre. The problem is unlike zombies the conversation about clown horror flicks ends after “Killer Klowns from Outer Space, House of 1000 Corpses, and Clown”. There isn’t a lot you can do with the clown genre unlike the zombie genre as I give this flick 1 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

The Hidden (VHS) – Kyle Machlan is a F.B.I. agent aka alien tracking an alien parasite that has killed his family and partner. And Lloyd the F.B.I. agent man has tracked this alien parasite from Seattle to L.A. Problem is the parasite is a jumper as it jumps from one human to another when it is all used up. The alien parasite likes metal music, fast cars, fast women, and power or being noticed. With the help of Detective Beck Lloyd is able to track down the thing until it jumps into a famous senator’s body. A cool concept for a sci-fi flick but does have its dull parts. But pay attention as there is an appearance from a younger Danny Trejo! I give the film 2 stars.

 

Pandemic (DVD) – A recent zombie film filmed “Doom or Hardcore Henry” style gives this the film a different feel. Most of the world has fallen to zombie apocalypse as a L.A. military outpost is trying to find the cure and survivors. A rescue team is sent into a hot zone to rescue survivors and get the supply drop but face off much opposition and it isn’t always zombies. Also I like they explain the stages of infection to not go full blown zombie movie but like a prequel about too? It entertained me so I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Spill (DVD) – So-called action star Brian Bosworth plays a top secret service agent for the president in this mid-90s flick. Special agent Ken Fairchild plays up his real life college football angle and best friends with the president until… During a recent event set-up sweep Ken comes across some sick people in the woods. These people are sick and the fish are dying because some dude hijacked a big rig full of chemical waste that the government was trying to cover up to begin with. He crashes the rig and waste spills into the stream. When Ken believes he stops the forces behind the cover-up he is wrong and must do the right thing by going against the president. A fun one take and B-movie action flick that was in my book as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

D4 (DVD) – A special ops team is hired to track down a kidnapper who is holding up at a closed down military facility with someone’s kid. Lots of money being paid out, so no questions asked. But when the special ops unit runs into a bootleg version of Dave Batista that can take a gunshot point blank range out in the woods they believe they are over their heads. They know for sure when they follow it to the closed down facility D4 that happens to be its home. And also houses another hybrid creature that a scientist has experimented on for the perfect soldier. Great poster, great concept, shitty execution of a film as I give it 1 star.

 

Stage Fright (DVD) – A recent horror flick that I left sit around for a while because I thought it was a remake. Nope folks it’s “High School Musical” with a gory horror flick going on in the background. Meat Loaf is running a small back woods summer camp for artists, musicians, singers for the past ten years because his star was murdered right before her big break in Loaf’s production. A decade has passed and the Loaf gives the okay to a talented, pig headed director kid to do the production. Unbeknownst to the Loaf the daughter/kitchen cook decides to audition for the lead role and nails it. But a masked killer has had enough of the Loaf and the weird kids and begins a bloody massacre posing as the villain from the production. Not a remake, entertaining to me and a nice amount of gore makes me give this small surprise 3 stars.

Demon Hunter (DVD/Vimeo) – A film from Ireland about a young woman who claims to be a demon hunter searching for the demon who defiled her younger sister. Taryn the demon hunter is captured by police one night after decapitating a demon. Brought into custody she interrogated by a detective who has a connection to Taryn from several years ago. He was the detective who promised to find the person or thing that got her sister. Never happened… so Taryn has taken things into her own hands as she searches for the one named Falstaff. Falstaff fears Taryn a bit as a small group of individuals who protect Taryn believe she is the only one that could defeat the horrible demon. I love the Irish and want to visit Ireland someday but please take away this dull ass movie as Dolph Lundgren’s “Don’t Kill It” broke the mold for recent demon movies earlier this year. For that I only give this snoozer 1 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

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Gross Movie Reviews #412

0

Gross Movie Reviews #412

 

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – It took me awhile to watch this reboot of the franchise but for good reason as I am a fan of the originals and the Mark Wahlberg abomination of the early 2000s. But I heard enough good things and decided I thought it was time to give this movie a chance. And guess what this newer version is pretty good as James Franco is a scientist who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s. After many failed tests a female monkey shows promise of improved brain function, etc. When he has a presentation the monkey loses its shit because it is protecting its baby and is put down after the incident. Franco’s character takes the baby chimp home and he continues his research as he eventually tests it on his own father and it works. Along the way Caesar is learning at an incredible rate and knows sign language while Franco’s father is doing great. Several years pass the disease comes back and it gets the father and Caesar in trouble. Caesar is taken away and he begins his uprising of apes at an abusive sanctuary while viral monkey flu happens when testing continues on monkeys and a human is exposed. The movie ends as it becomes a signal of the fall of man. I enjoyed this version as it went out of its way to separate itself from the originals but keep the heart of what made them good. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – This sequel picks up several years after Caesar and the apes went into the woods to live away from mankind. During that time mankind all over the world has fallen because of the monkey flu. San Francisco is in ruins and what is left of the people who live there send a group of people into the woods looking for a dam. If they can fix it they can restore power to the city to stay alive. But the apes will not let it happen as they do not want humans near their home. It’s been a couple years since the apes seen one and was starting to believe all humans had died? In dire need of power a group of humans from the city go back and talk to Caesar to convince him this is the best and most peaceful solution. But just like humans the apes do not trust the other and one plans on killing Caesar making it look like the humans killed him. Caesar always believed apes were better but learns the hard way as both human and ape survivors lose their homes in a fight in the ruins of San Francisco. Caesar gathers the apes to leave knowing a war is coming as a military force has been finally contacted thus setting up the new sequel “War”. I give this sequel 3 stars as it was just enjoyable as the first film.

 

Lunarcop (VHS) – This relatively unknown 1995 Michael Pare flick was also known as “Solar Force” in some countries. Michael Pare is Joe Brody and it is 2050 A.D. as Joe is a policeman on a space station where humans are trying to restart life on earth. Several years back “The Big Burn” happened forcing what’s left of the human race to this space station or the rich people. There are rumors of savages on earth but the goal is to shoot this invention into the atmosphere to restart life on earth until it is stolen by rebels. So Joe must go to earth for the first time ever to retrieve this item. He hangs with the savages as he saves people from the evil Billy Drago who just wants to destroy nearby villages. When Joe is convinced he doesn’t need to return to space with the item a cyborg is sent for his destruction. I give the film 2 ½ stars as you can never have enough Michael Pare in your life.

 

Dracula 3-D (DVD) – This well criticized version of Dracula comes from the horror mind of Dario Argento. My main reasoning for watching this movie is Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. But even Hauer’s presence cannot help this lackluster version of the popular vampire. Yeah there is some cool scenes full of practical gore but the transformation scenes of Dracula are completely laughable as they are digital and look like total shit. For me at least the movie is watchable but nothing in the movie makes you want to pop this bad boy in the DVD player again? I give this not so great version of Dracula 1 ½ stars.

 

5-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Apparently San Juan has a shark problem and the shark mutates to have a fifth head coming from its ass! A professor and her interns are talked into searching for the beast by a money grubbing boss guy in San Juan. Once the interns begin to become lunch for the shark the professor turns to an old boyfriend for help as the local authorities don’t know if they can defeat the mutant shark either. Nothing to exciting but the shark does have a head on its ass giving a new meaning to “ass to mouth”! I couldn’t let that one go as I give this somewhat boring flick 1 star.

 

Mississippi River Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Random sharks come down the river to begin attacking a fishing contest. A contest that stars Jason London to send the fishermen and women out to the river and to sign autographs because of his action star status. Nowhere near the best of the SyFy Channel shark films but it is pretty entertaining for most of the movie as Jason London plays himself and we you get a couple of locals in the movie trying to catch fish/sharks with a tow truck. Fun stuff for those of us that have pretty much watched every shark movie that has come down the film pike… I give this shark flick 2 stars.

 

Trailer Park Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Great title, great concept, has an odd looking Tara Reid (eat a fucking burger woman), a little lean on characters but remember the title. Some rich asshole owns some land where some rednecks have their trailers at. He can’t get rid of them legally so he hires a guy to go blow up a levy that will flood the trailer park. Meanwhile some of the trailer park folk have figured a way to steal electric from the nearby levy. Levy blows up, takes out the trailer park and a few people, but a shark arrives also to attack the survivors. It is B-movie trash but has enough laughs to keep you entertained as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Toxic Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – A reality show throws up on an island for young single men and women to get drunk and hook up. Problem is the water is toxic and has affected a local shark that now spits green shit from its heads that burns you like acid; its bite can turn you into a zombie of sorts, and still tries to eat you. Horrible concept and that is a lot for me to say as it gets boring quickly. The only thing that can save this movie is if “Shark Exorcist” would have come and helped. This movie can go suck the poop from my butt as this movie was beyond terrible as I give it 0 stars. But hey, on the bright side let’s all hope for a sequel to “Shark Exorcist”!

 

Circus Kane (Vimeo/DVD) – An old famous horror host/circus entertainer named Circus Kane disappeared after a violent incident took place at his circus over twenty years ago. A couple decades have passed and some so-called social media stars or to be more specific media stars of the horror community receive a random text from the icon Circus Kane. Declaring he is back with a vengeance and the individuals that are receiving the text have a “once in a lifetime chance at $250,000”. All the social media stars have to do is show up at a location at a certain time and they will be taken to the Circus Kane event. Once there they realize they are at Circus Kane’s mansion which has been redone for the stars to make their way through the scary maze. And just to give the event that extra flare, everything that happens to the guests while in the maze is being filmed to be posted on their social media pages. It is a fun and bloody time directed by Christopher Ray and written by the duo of James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward. So some thinking went into this low budget project that also sports a cameo from Richard Moll (who by the way looks a lot like Angus Scrimm now) and a twist for the three to maybe revisit the Circus Kane character again. The movie has its drawbacks but the pace of the film is quick and entertaining and I absolutely love the concept of the horror version of the social media stars wanting in on the big bucks. For that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.poolpartymassacre.com .

 

Empire of the Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Another attempt from Asylum Entertainment trying to do a “Waterworld” type of movie with sharks and we have John Savage as a warlord who owns the ocean. Savage’s character is building a machine that will produce fresh water without the help of humans and brutalizes nearby floating villages for slaves and tributes. There latest attack they kidnap a blonde girl who unknown to them her father was a shark caller or shark thingy? Whatever, she can talk to sharks basically. When her friends are being attacked when they try to rescue her Savage and others try to read her mind so they can harness her power. This power could rule the world or what’s left of it?  Just like last year’s effort this fizzles out into a boring mess of a shark movie that needs more time or effort to even think of pulling off to make it remotely good. I give this shark flick 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html