Gross Movie Reviews #544

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Gross Movie Reviews #544

The Alchemist (DVD) – A lost Empire Pictures flick from 1983 that has just shown up again recently on Full Moon Streaming and just to make it weirder the film was directed by Charles Band but only after the original dude was fired three days in. A woman who has visions of the past is driving cross country with her new hitchhiker buddy and stumble upon a man who is cursed. This cursed dude (Robert Ginty) swears revenge on an evil magic man whose curse does not allow the man to leave this dimension of existence. Visions, weird things that don’t make much sense, and “The Exterminator” make this rather unknown thriller a worthwhile watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Devil’s Sword (DVD) – A super bizarre Indonesian film from 1983/1984 that was titled ‘Golok Setan’ in certain countries. A great young warrior is asked to do a favor for “The Crocodile Queen”. He is asked to remove a husband from a village that she wants for her sexual pleasures. The young man almost fails when his former buddy Mandala appears on a horse only curious to the carnage of the villagers. Mandala almost stops the kidnapping of the husband but is only misdirected by “The Crocodile Men”! This sets up the subplot of Mandala finding his master half dead and goes on his quest for revenge and retrieving the Devil’s Sword which is considered the most powerful weapon in the whole world. If any of this sounds interesting know that this film is non-stop action full of: black magic, Crocodile Queen, Crocodile Men, a sword to rule the world, a Cyclops cave creature, blood and guts by the bucket loads, over the top martial arts, and there is freakin’ laser beams coming from a warrior’s hands at one point in a fight! Grab your friends, grab the pizza and beer, because buckle up you are in for one the craziest films you have ever had the guilty pleasure of watching as I give it 3 stars.

Wrong Turn (Remake/On Demand) – Don’t know whose bright idea this was… but you are a dumb ass. Anyway six friends stop into a small Virginian mountain town to start their hiking vacation. They are warned to “Stay on the trail!” But of course the friends do not and have a terrible accident. One by one the group is being trimmed down by this “off the grid” village of folks who have been established in the woods since 1859 and call their settlement “The Foundation”. Six weeks later a father whose daughter was part of the group of six people gone missing goes investigating and is not happy with the locals as they just keep trying to scare him off. But this father refuses to give up and finds his daughter but they must fight to survive if they even have a chance of seeing civilization again… Outside of the glimmer of fake cannibals ¾ of the way into the film and the bad joke at the end about a backwoods family this film is not ‘Wrong Turn’. Not totally understanding why they used the title other to cash in but from what I have read the remake has gone unnoticed so it most likely should have just been called ‘The Foundation’. Wasn’t a fan of it having basically two endings but I still give this bootleg ‘Wrong Turn’ cash-in 2 ½ stars but I still say yinz could have done better?

Child in the Night (DVD) – A 1990 TV movie where a kid Luke (Elijah Wood), sees his father murdered on the boat dock. Jackie a psychologist is brought in by the police unwillingly to get Luke to talk as his father’s death has left the kid in shock. The police investigation hinges on the kid snapping out of it and talking to the good doctor so she can relay the answers. Great cast for this TV thriller and you can see why Elijah Wood was gonna be good early on as I give it 3 stars.

Corpsing (DVD) – A 2012 independent flick that also known as ‘Lady Frankenstein’ and for good reason as the film is a combo of ‘Frankenstein’ and ‘Night of the Living Dead’. A curious doctor is invited to a sick woman’s lab where she explains her experiment that could change the world but has also left her in a wheelchair. She was a military scientist who thought she was being held back and felt more comfortable working out of her home lab on her ultimate experiment… Her goal is to remake a person from the right corpses? She completed the task, the experiment was going well, he was learning, things progressed, she fell in love with him, and then things began to fall apart unless the experiment was able to feast on living things. Once she allows the experiment to bite her she follows the downward spiral into horror that knows no end. There is only one ending for all involved and it will be bad but that doesn’t stop this independent feature from pulling out all the stops to suck you in and make you feel the experiment and the scientist as I give it 3 stars.

Aquarium of the Dead (DVD) – Hey kids ‘Zoombies’ has another sequel! A shipment of the tainted animal meds is sent from the Eden Zoo to the Aqua Zoo and now there is a re-animated octopus fucking the place up. As things lockdown as humans are being attacked the Aqua Zoo officials most figure out how to stop this horror or at least next time dispose of the bad animal meds. This movie is bad, not a good bad either as it has no redeeming value or rewatch value as I give it 0 stars.

The Butcher Surgeon (YouTube) – Another dark short film from the duo Philip Brocklehurst and Alex Wesley about a brilliant surgeon not making his therapy session. The good surgeon documents his spiral into madness of what he has done before his great suicide. A wonderfully dark and brutal short from the duo that makes you wanting more as I give the short film 3 out of 4 stars.

Teacher Shortage (DVD) – It is yearbook time and a female student is ruined when she is listed as “Ugly Skank” in the yearbook. After being laughed at she runs for the girls’ restroom where she commits suicide. This of course sets up the story some time later where teachers are having meetings to discuss how to be a modern teacher and how their style needs to change to help the modern student. But one by one the faculty is being murdered in horrible ways until the killer is revealed. Is the filmmaker trying to make a political statement on the state of teaching these days or just exploring another way to make an Indy slasher? Either way the film has a great cast, a solid plot, but there is something missing that holds this film back? I am not totally sure if it’s just the music or maybe just needing a different ending but throughout I just felt the film was missing that extra something to make it memorable as I give the film 2 stars.   

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: The Cannibals and Zombies Collection (DVD) – Addison Binek is riffing a collection of movies again but these are not just any movies… They are zombie and cannibal movies! What makes this a unique rough ride is Addison takes you through some the lesser known, grittiest, maybe even crappiest off the wall flesh-eating hilarity you have ever witnessed. You’ll laugh, you will most likely cry over what Addison and you will sit through but it will be fun as I give this collection 4 stars as usual.

I Saw What You Did (DVD) – A 1965 film about a couple teenage girls crank calling people for fun as the parents are away. (Yes kids, this was a thing before everyone had a cell phone. Now yinz just call them “spam”.) Anyway as they are causing hijinks throughout the evening of calling several people they eventually cause a death of a woman whose husband Steve kills her in the shower when she sees if he would like to take the call. Just to keep the prank going the young duo calls Steve again to inform him “I saw what you did”. This sends Steve in a panic rage and eventually kills the neighbor woman he was having an affair with. Surprisingly a very harsh plot for 1965 unless you were watching a Hitchcock or a Hammer film in my opinion. Now Steve is on the prowl for the young lady who called his house as he must erase her also as I give the film 3 stars.    

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #543

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Gross Movie Reviews #543

Time Walker (DVD) – This early 80s z-grade flick is about another mummy is discovered in the famous King Tut’s tomb. This professor has it taken back to his college campus to be studied by students and to be shown off by the campus for publicity. While during the research the campus x-ray tech uses too much radiation on the mummy for an X-ray and the sucker gets up to take a walk but also the tech notices there is potential treasure inside the this thing. While the mummy is wondering around campus and whoever it touches it kills with a killer fungus that melts flesh the tech is trying to have his new treasure appraised. One problem the mummy is looking for this treasure because it is the way for it to get home as the mummy is an actual alien? The movie is not great but it does have that bad lovable charm to it that makes it worth watching a couple times as I give it 2 ½ stars.

She-Wolf of London (DVD) – A mid-40s flick that gives the “Wolfman legend” an interesting twist as a woman named Phyllis Allenby always has all of Scotland’s dogs pissed off at her. Apparently Ms. Allenby comes from a rich family that has a dark past or as the legend goes that they were “cursed”?! For a few days in a row people keep getting attacked in the park and rumors start about a wolf-woman doing the dirty deed. Phyllis sent into a tizzy by the circumstances is being drugged by her aunt just to sleep and not think of the horrible events night after night. But we come to find out Phyllis’ aunt isn’t really an aunt and she is an evil planning bitch as I give this flick 3 stars for being a little different even at a time the monsters in movies were just getting started.

Infected (DVD) – A 27 minute short film from independent filmmaker Keith Munden in 2014 where our story takes place in small town Ohio where a virus has hit the town and turning humans into murderous maniacs. The radio broadcasts say it’s happening everywhere but our small group of survivors don’t all believe it a couple believe it is isolated. As the murderous insane people roam the woods the small group of survivors engages in a political debate of what they should do? Run or stay? The movie has this odd feeling of an old school investment video or student film to explain if they had more of a budget, different cast, etc., they could do more to explore this idea that I would another variation of ‘The Crazies’. Good concept but wasn’t thrilled with the dialogue as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars. The DVD also has two other short films, a making of video, and blooper reel so go check out www.legacyverseproductions.com for more of Munden’s movies.    

Safe Place (DVD) – Here is another short film (20 minutes long) from Keith Munden in 2013 where a small group of people are fighting off ghouls and escaping to a house or what they consider a safe place. Unbeknownst to our small group of victims bootleg tater sack Jason lives in the basement of the home and very pleased he or it has visitors. Also bootleg tater sack Jason is totally unaware of the circumstances that are happening outside or possibly just doesn’t give a flying fart hole about it? One by one the group is killed and going to be eaten by the killer who lives in the basement. I actually enjoyed this short film from Mr. Munden more than “Infected” as it left me wanting more and asking a lot of good questions which of course leaves a memorable impact not only on me but other viewers most likely. For that I have to give this flick 3 out of 4 stars and also can be found at www.legacyverseproductions.com .

Rescue Force (DVD) – A low budget direct-to-video action film that is a B-movie gem waiting to be discovered was also known as ‘Commando Girls’ in some other countries during its release in 1990. When a foreign ambassador and his daughter are kidnapped and taken to a secret cave in the desert by terrorists the C.I.A. is called in. But this isn’t your regular C.I.A., they have a special force for these kinds of things and they are called “Rescue Force”! A hilariously awkward (wasn’t trying to be funny) militant team made up of hot babes in fatigues and over-the-hill dudes from the C.I.A. office who spend half off their time staring at chests of the babes when the boom mic isn’t falling into frame. The hot bad ass gun-toting babes do most of the work to rescue the ambassador and his daughter as the old men are mostly just smoking cigars for no reason. What makes this flick watchable is the amount of action: explosions, bullets flying, and stunts, they are constant throughout this film so it wouldn’t be dull and for that I thank them as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Peacemaker (DVD) – Horror fans need to have this this oddity in their lives as ‘Night of the Demons’ Kevin Tenney wrote and directed an alien/action film that stars Robert Forster, Robert Davi, and the lovely Hilary Shepard. Ms. Shepard plays a pathologist (Dori Caisson) who gets caught between two warring aliens after a meteor hits earth. Sgt. Ramos gets called in the pathologist goes missing and the chase is on between cops and aliens as Dori cannot make up her who she believes is good and bad. Nevermind that as eventually Dori decides the only way you can tell is to just jump their bones (or on their bone in this case) with one of the aliens to be sure who is good? Pay attention as almost to the end of this action-packed film Dori believes both aliens without question and its hilarious cause you find yourself the viewer asking, “But didn’t you just bumped uglies with that dude?” Anyway see Mr. Tenney’s version of ‘I Come in Peace’ I guess… as I give it 2 stars.

Night of the Dribbler (DVD) – Honestly kids WTF? A 1990 Canadian low-budget horror spoof… maybe? Anyhow this weird combo is about a school basketball team the Watergate Plumbers who suck out loud and have a senior player/equipment manager Stan who hasn’t gotten to play once yet. Stan believes he can play as he tries and tries to explain to the coach. Meanwhile a person wearing a basketball mask is killing or injuring Watergate’s players one by one so at some point the coach will be forced to play Stan. And of course the climax of the film is the big final game and Stan finally gets his chance and they win! This dumb no blood and guts G-rated flick is downright weird and gets weirder when Stan gets a girlfriend, Beckula, and you don’t know if “High School Musical” is going to bust out or one of those “PornHub stepsis videos” is about to start? This whole film just doesn’t know what it wants to be and I am still unsure if that is good or bad as I give it 1 star.

Delta Heat (DVD) – God bless the early 90s for the most bizarre buddy cop films that could be made! In this one we get L.A. cop Anthony Edwards (with hair, sort of) coming to New Orleans to back up his partner. But he learns his partner’s heart has been cut out after following the lead on this new strain of drugs from L.A. to here. No one in New Orleans has seen such a killing since the serial killing drug dealer disappeared several years ago. With this event we are introduced to a retired cop Jackson Rivers (Lance Henriksen) with a hook on his left hand gets lured back in with Anthony Edwards to make sure this drug dealing serial killer stays dead. The two opposites begin their investigation and quickly understand the case was never over as of course there is always more to it. Fun stupid direct-to-video buddy cop stuff that I give 2 ½ stars too.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Drunken Yinzers Productions return to the conventions

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Drunken Yinzers Productions returns to the conventions… The fat drunken bastards even have a banner now! We will have our latest feature Blood Freak! Along with copies of Jagoff Massacre, my three new books (that includes the infamous ‘Massacre’ book), some unknown/OOP movies you never heard of but wanna buy anyhow, we will have our one dollar DVD box again, new beer cozies (a couple new ones), and some other Halloween crafty things! So come join us and other cool vendors for this one day event as it will be a fun time as usual. For more details: www.cinemawasteland.com

New Bloodbaths and Boomsticks episode is now up!

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On this episode we invite Patricia back on the show because we are terrible podcasters that keep forgetting to read her reviews.  And she is bringing along a truly weird black magic kung fu flick KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.  Also, Kyle attempts to right the wrong and cover one of the weirdest flicks to ever come out of Hollywood in the Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd monster movie/funhouse mash up NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.  Tim talks about a real oddity from the 70’s that is a snapshot of van culture in SUPERVAN.  And John rounds out this mega sized episode with a really great and timely post-apocalyptic flick THE LAST CHASE.  We also chat about the newest Jason Statham jam, Kyle watches into the night for the first time, our favorite cameos, dangerous playgrounds and a whole lot more.  We also answer your questions, run down what we have been watching over the last few weeks, and all the news that is fit to talk about. So download this episode or John Landis will drop a helicopter on your head.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #542

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Gross Movie Reviews #542

Top Knot Detective (DVD) – This is a documentary about an oddity of sorts, a samurai series in the early 90s that became a cult hit in Asia and Australia. The series was only on for one year but in places like Japan their TV seasons run 50 episodes long so that are about 2 or so seasons in the U.S. The series is about a man doing a lot of walking and seeking revenge for his master (sounds like Kung Fu with Carradine). Full disclosure this wasn’t your typical series as this had a character dressed as a penis, giant robots, odd dialogue that shouldn’t be in the script or most times wasn’t, ninjas, horrible stunt work, and the show looked like something one of us weirdos would have found late night on public access. But you will find yourself only being more interested in this weirdness as the main star was such a joke in the industry but big bucks for the TV screen and all involved… Then it gets weirder when the main star is the main suspect of the murder of the head honcho who finances the show then escapes Japan dressed as a woman! One of the weirder things I have ever watch and I give it 3 stars just for that.

Amityville Poltergeist (DVD) – A low budget flick using the “title” of course for no apparent reason centers around a young man named Jim who is looking to make some cash. Jim finds a housesitting job for $100 a night for a weekend. He doesn’t have to do anything except maybe listen to the spooky warning from Grandma “to leave”. After a night or two Jim begins to experience some strange events and is unsure if he is dreaming or actually experiencing unexplained events. The film isn’t bad as much the filmmaker put a full film on screen? Feels more like a 20 minute short film than it would be a full feature as I give it 2 stars.

Special Bulletin (DVD) – A 1983 made-for-TV docudrama that starts off with local news coverage of a dock worker strike in Charleston, South Carolina but as the news coverage continues that early in the morning things take a strange twist? Cops arrive and someone is shot and from the local news media covering it moves in but they learn quickly this isn’t a worker strike but a protest by a Dr. Bruce Lyman. His protest with several others is on this boat wanting the government to disarm or he believes nuclear war will happen very soon. Lyman makes it clear in his plea he wants U.S. and Russia to disarm before they kill us all. Even though there is news coverage the government doesn’t take the protest seriously until Lyman guarantees it isn’t a hoax. Also if he does not get all the modules for the nuclear warheads in South Carolina he will dentate the small nuclear device they have? A wonderfully serious film like ‘Threads’ and ‘The Day After’ that I believe needs to be seen by many more than just a weirdo movie fan like myself to understand this subject matter is still very relevant. And let’s not forget there is a young Michael Madsen in here for a quick couple seconds as I give the film 4 stars.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (On Demand) – The Warrens are back at it again as this film is set in July 1981 where an exorcism goes sideways. During the exorcism Ed Warren has a heart attack and the 18 year old Arnie who was there gets possessed and only Ed knows about it and wants to prove it once feeling better. Not too much time passes as Arnie becomes part of a murder but claims he was possessed and the Warrens try to prove this in the court of law. But even with Arnie in prison the spirit has followed him and continues to haunt him as he has been cursed by a Satanist. This path leads the Warrens down a path where they may have solved several other murders as a weird Satanist totem had been found at the scene of other murders that baffled police? The film is better than most paranormal crap out there but this entry felt more like a love story than the Warrens chasing demons and spirits as I give it 3 stars.

The Phantom Empire (Blu-ray) – A wonderful B-movie cast directed by Fred Olen Ray in what I believe took six days to finish this film where a woman looking for treasure hires a couple hacks to help lead her through a cave. Michelle Bauer as the hottest cave bunny ever, Robbie the Robot, horrible looking monsters, and an alien in S&M gear played by Sybil Danning await the group as they enter. I have reviewed this B-movie gem before but it has now got upgraded to Blu-ray! I thought the Blu-ray looked a little better and has the all the extras from the original DVD but I believe the newest thing besides the transfer might be the home movies of the location shoot? I also believe the commentary track is the same but it is something that I believe Indy filmmakers need to revisit just to listen to the knowledge Fred spews out on how to do things, rent stuff, casting, etc. More than ever this commentary of telling stories about ‘The Phantom Empire’ are so relevant and fun to hear as I give it 4 stars. The Blu-ray and DVD are very hard to find but the slightly upgraded Blu-ray can be found at www.makeflix.com .

Shoot (DVD) – A 1976 dramatic film with a solid cast where Rex and his four buddies are heading up to his cabin for a weekend of hunting. No animals but a nice day of hanging out in the woods but until they are about to start back when they come across another group of hunters across a stream. An odd stare and the shooting begins as one man wounded in Rex’s group and one dead for the group across the stream. Rex and friends debate the event for hours and whether they should go to the hospital, police, or nothing? After a night of resting on it they have a meeting to keep quiet but Rex cannot let it go so he investigates who died and if the other group reported it to the authorities? When Rex finds out it was just a hunting accident he convinces the group that the other group will want revenge and they got to beat them to the punch as they must go all-out war! A great “how far will he or they go in this case to be sure” kind of film as I give it 3 stars.  

Cleopatra Jones (DVD) – Another must see Blaxploitation film from 1973 that has a woman Cleopatra Jones as a special agent who is helping the U.S. cracks down on drugs. She has just ordered one of the largest poppy seed fields in the world to be burned. But when she returns home Cleopatra has made an enemy in a big time drug dealer named “Mommy” who wants her dead for ruining her supply chain. But you don’t mess with Cleo when she has a car door full of guns even if you have corrupt cops on your side, Cleo has the great Bernie Casey on hers as I give this action-packed beauty 3 ½ stars.

Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies (DVD) – An experimental drug Quadoxin is being used on crops of a small town to hopefully help the crops flourish… but we all know that isn’t going to happen. After some bad luck between a dead drug dealer and his three young customers and a random monstrous zombie, they all show up at the local music festival. Now, a group of friends must try to survive the onslaught of zombies wanting flesh in this low budget feature. I wanted to like this film but it just felt very forced if that makes sense and plus I couldn’t stop comparing it to 1980s ‘Toxic Zombies’ as I give it 1 ½ stars.

The Superdeep (On Demand) – The Russian military gets involved with a secret drilling facility after some miners and a research team go missing. The small military force is led by Yury who wants his top dog Anya to get in there and get the samples to take to the surface for research that may help the Russians in the race with the U.S. When they arrive a scientist there has seen what was found 12 kilometers down and feels it should not be shared with humans… It should be buried. The team searches deeper into the facility trying to retrieve the samples and realize they are up against a killer fungus that could wipe out the human race. I like that it feels like the Russian version of ‘The Thing’ but felt it was too long and reminded me more of ‘Leviathan’ when it could have been so much more as I give it 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !