Gross Movie Reviews #486

0

Gross Movie Reviews #486

 

Walk like a Panther (On Demand) – If you enjoy wrestling movies then you are in for a treat from the UK folks. Mark Bolton is the son of ‘The Bulldog’ one of the original British wrestlers that ran together called, “Panthers”. They use to be on the tele in the 80s and then were canceled to the dismay of many. Mark never got his shot with the Panthers but now runs a pub called “The Half-Nelson” where all the old wrestlers and fans hang out at. They talk about old times, drink a pint, and wait for Mark’s wrestling trivia night. But things change when Mark’s idol Ginger Frost dies. They all go to the pub for the wake and interrupted by a young village idiot who believes wrestling is fake. So when the old timers get a hold of him and start having a good time at his expense as his friends film it on their phones and it goes viral. Between this hilarious turn of events and the pub being sold from under young Mark’s hands he decides to get “The Panthers” back together again for an one hour event to save the pub. Stephen Graham, Julian Sands, Robbie Gee were an absolute hoot in this flick. Maybe not the perfect film but there was many times I laughed my ass off at the screen as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

The Dead Don’t Die (On Demand) – The latest zombie film to have Bill Murray and a host of other Hollywood names take on zombies in a small town. Bill Murray and Adam Driver are cops of the town Centerville where their highlight is yelling out in the woods at a hobo that Murray’s character knew since high school. But polar fracking has knocked Earth’s axis funny and it has caused several weird things to happen: Prolonged daylight, animals going completely nutzoid, and Iggy Pop and other dead folk to rise from their grave. With no answers but many questions the film becomes one long Seinfeld joke. For good or bad the zombie make-up was cool but I was expecting a little bit of a different movie as I give it 2 stars.

Slaughterhouse Slumber Party (Blu-ray/Vimeo) – Dustin Mills has quickly become one of my favorite filmmakers as he has made all kinds of different horror films. Always trying something different and this is no different for this unapologetic cheesy film about a group of young women getting together once a year for a party weekend. At times shot like a “Big Brother” or “Real World” TV show you get to know all the women and their flaws who are attending this big weekend party. Of course no boys allowed but a new girlfriend Gretchen, has been brought into the event meeting new people and enjoy the fun of being free, drunk, and hope not to have your face farted on! Anyway Gretchen seems a little strange and not all about the new Rocket Ribcage film. Gretchen is more into bringing forth evil supernatural shit. Never thinking much about Gretchen’s weirdness she is accidentally killed in a pillow fight and thus starting off a bunch of demonic bad shit happening to the women. The friends mostly naked and frighten must gather the strength to take on this horror and escape the wrath of Gretchen! If there was ever a movie to be put on a double bill with “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” this is it my friends and that is high praise coming from me as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Dustin be proud my friend and that cast was awesome!

 

Spider-man: Far From Home (On Demand) – The Avengers have disappeared again and Tony Stark is dead. They all saved the world but Peter just wants to get back to normal high school life and that means going to Europe with MJ and friends. This being Peter’s big chance to finally ask MJ out but course things go sideways when Mysterio shows up fighting monsters called, “Elementals”. Nick Fury needs Peter to take over for Stark and help fight these fights. Peter still just wanting to be a high school kid decides to let Mysterio do the job until he learns of the real plan. This newer version of Spider-man was again a lot of fun and really enjoyed the end credit stuff but the real shame is going to be Disney and Sony fighting over the property. Which means most likely we won’t even get to see Tom Holland in college as Spider-man. Fun movie I give 3 ½ stars too but most likely we will see two more sequels to everything else before this problem gets resolved so enjoy it folks.

 

Video Murders (DVD-R/VHS) – Jim McCullough Jr. brings us a lower budgeted film about a serial killer David Lee Shepard. The film opens with David bringing a hooker back to a hotel for the intent of filming her strangulation. The detectives have gotten closer to David as he has left a trail of murder scenes in different cities but with the same motive. The rest of the film entails a detective in not one but two long chase scenes with David. There is some filler with David picking up a woman in a bar because she reminds him of his mother and does not kill her but keeps her tied up. The movie teases this will be sleazefest but is more of a dramatic cat and mouse thriller between David and the detective as I give it 2 stars.

The Dark Days of Demetrius (DVD/Vimeo) – Independent filmmaker Dakota Ray is back with his latest film about a serial killer called “The Live Stream Killer”. This man streams his murders and has a following on social media which in turn he allows his so-called fans to comment on photos and videos. Demetrius desire to kill is consuming him and gets off on that his following is growing by the hundred-thousands with each post. Eventually LSK allows the audience to decide the fate of his victims taking his murderous ways to a new height. But a sadistic reporter of a news website takes notice of LSK and begins to blame him for murders he has nothing to do with in order to have more content for his site. Demetrius can stay as a mystery to police but makes himself known to the reporter who is trying to stain The Live Stream Killer’s name. This is for sure one those hard-hitting films that are not for the fate of heart as it isn’t so much sleazy as much as just one of the darkest films you may watch… For that I give Dakota’s feature 3 out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Advertisements

Gross Movie Reviews #485

0

Gross Movie Reviews #485

 

Sexsquatch (DVD) – Let’s be upfront I am not the biggest fan of Chris Seaver but if you are independent horror fan you have to admit there is a film he made you liked and disliked. Plus Chris has made an impact on the Indy scene during his decade-plus of filmmaking. Going into this film on title alone and not knowing Mr. Seaver was behind it I gotta say thank you to him for making me laugh at this one. A party, “Get Laid Party” is being thrown for Joey the virgin! As the party rages and the girls there are about to decide who will start their decline on young Joey, Stinkfist the Sexsquatch is lurking around the lakeside home. When Stinkfist isn’t pooping in people’s backyards the Sexsquatch rapes people and talks politely to them while doing it. The movie is bad but it is meant to be bad and looks like Chris and friends had fun all the way as I did watching this adventure. I give this hilarious take on the Bigfoot legend 3 out of 4 stars.

Watchers (DVD) – Scrounging through the internet channels you never know what you may find? As I always have my list of ‘hard to find’ movies I was able to track down a viewing of the Region 2 disc of 1988’s ‘Watchers” starring Corey Haim and Michael Ironside. You could always be stupid and pay ridiculous amount of money on eBay or Amazon for the out-of-print DVDs or take five minutes and Google that shit folks. This Region 2 disc claims to be unrated version but rewatching this film I do not believe there is anything special? For yinz kids that don’t know after the Stephen King catalog was being adapted to the big screen every two minutes during the 80s Roger Corman and some others decided to seek out other popular authors. Dean Koontz was one of them as he had a few movie adaptions but like King most of them lacked the horror that was supposed to be in them. Anyway I was a fan of a couple of Koontz books and thought it was time to revisit this one to see if it got any better with age? But also too have thought if there was a movie that actually did a remake it would be this film. The plot of the film and book is about a military experiment where a golden retriever and a weird Bigfoot-like creature were linked together. It was supposed to be the future in military weaponry! Where ever the dog went, the creature went and eliminated the people the dog interacted with. Well with a fire at the Oxcom Corporation the dog and creature escape into the woods. Agent Johnson (Michael Ironside) is brought in to capture both by any means needed. Between Agent Johnson enjoying ripping eyeballs out and before 90210 Jason Priestly showing up the dog finds Cory Haim and they strike up a relationship. Once the authorities and Johnson come sniffing around and the bodies begin piling up Haim, mum, and the dog go on the run. Again enjoyed the book and again I was a fan of Haim and Michael Ironside but this movie still falls flat today. I give it 2 stars.

 

The Furies (On Demand) – Another recent Aussie horror flick getting a little press here in the states is about a woman named Kayla who is kidnapped and left in the woods. She quickly finds out she isn’t alone and there is a border she cannot cross without being in agony. But what makes this film a little different from the rest is for every young lady out there in the woods there is a weird masked killer who is trying to kill the women. But keep in mind the killer is trying to protect their babe so their head doesn’t explode. Kayla becomes an interesting character as her character blacks out from time to time because of epilepsy and not having her pills to prevent it. This leads a couple of the women she meets up with to believe it is on purpose or she is also a killer? Also I forgot to mention Kayla figures out the people behind the kidnapping and weird game have an implant behind her eyeball. The ending was a little predictable but if you are looking for just a super gory flick where you can cheer for people to die then you found your title as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Haunting of the Winchester House (DVD) – A family of three has moved into the Winchester mansion as caretakers for the home. But immediately moving in weird shit begins to happen and a man who happens to be a paranormal expert just happens to show up and help if needed. As stuff keeps happening the family turns to the local paranormal expert Harrison Dent to resolve the issue. In the end none of it will matter as you will learn as I did ghosts are racist… or at least according to this movie as I give it 2 stars.

Watchers 2 (YouTube) – The sequel which was released two years later in 1990 stars Marc Singer who hangs out with the dog this time around and they seek out the extremely hot scientist Tracy Scroggins. This film just ignores the first film and does its own reboot thing as the project involving AE-73 and AE-74 is terminated at Anodyne. Which of course pissed off the lead scientist allows animal activists to come in and release the animals as he wants to continue the experiment with the dog and creature. A lot of boring shit goes down that includes Marc Singer and the dog ordering pizza and the government wanting everything back. Again another misstep by Corman and crew bringing this book to the big screen as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Watchers 3 (VHS) – So four more years pass and Corman decides okay crew: we got no money, stock footage of part two, and Wings Hauser now go make this work. What we get is bootleg creature I believe they stole from “The Fly 2” as the creature and drop it, the dog, and Wings Hauser in Thailand sorry (cough, cough) Central America to do a bare bones “Predator” flick. Wings Hauser is military prisoners who with four others is sent to Central America to clean up loose ends but are actually part of the experiment to see if it actually works before the U.S. military put into action on a regular basis. I love me some Wings Hauser like everyone else but again another misstep but at least it has something to do with the last movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Thir13en Ghosts (DVD) – The 2001 remake of the 1960 William Castle film tries to do a lot updates but for some reason this was one horror film I could not get behind. Giving this a try again as Monk and family inherit a giant weird house when his forgotten rich uncle dies. They believe all their financial woes are over but of course it is too good to be true as Shaggy from the “Scream” movie comes to warn them of the dangerous ghosts that live in the house as he help capture them. Locked in and doors opening for the ghosts to move about the family must survive and figure out how to stop the machine their crazy ass uncle put in the middle of the home that may just open a gate to hell? Some cool looking make-up FX but still not a fan of the flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Ranger (DVD/Shudder) – As usual I let this one simmer as a couple of folks completely lost their mind claiming best horror film of 2018/2019. As a little girl Chelsea was helped by a forest ranger now a young adult and running with some punks she calls friends they head to her dead uncle’s cabin. One to face her past but two her punk boyfriend just killed a cop so she wouldn’t get busted with his drugs. Struggling with her friends at the cabin soon becomes a lesser thing when the forest ranger she knew is a crazy serial killer who protects his mountain. Anybody that disobeys the national park rules they must be dealt punishment. A couple cool kills in the flick but nothing to flashy here horror wise as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #484

0

Gross Movie Reviews #484

 

Elevator (YouTube) – All around cool filmmaker Jim Stramel is back with his latest short film that involves a woman and a man who get on an elevator together. They do not know each other but it is about to get very interesting… Both take turns having their worlds going weird and gory. Could it be sexual tension? Just two deranged individuals happen to get on the elevator? Or is it something even stranger? You be the judge as this was a cool treat to see from Mr. Stramel as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Vacation Massacre (YouTube) – Oh the digging I go looking for ‘massacre’ films as unearthed this unknown S.O.V. flick that’s claims 2001? A few kids head out into the woods with their pump action pellet guns to go hunting. While out there they come across a dead body that begins a series of events once back at their tent. They awake in the morning to it all being a dream but then it all begins to actually take place. Not bad for a couple of kids that most likely stole the parents camera for filming but seems to be a bit unfinished? Anyway if you are a fan of S.O.V. stuff it’s fun checking out this 2 star project… Yes, there is much worse out there.

 

Welcome Home, Brother Charles (DVD) – Charles is up to no good as usual because bottom-line is he needs to make his money and isn’t gonna let the ‘man’ get in the way. But after meeting up with partner at the local hotel they have noticed they are being watched by the ‘man’. The two run in different directions with Charles getting picked up by the police. For what charge not totally sure but one detective isn’t satisfied with running Charles down but beating him up while in handcuffs and then taking a straight razor to his manhood. For this Charles gets three years in the slammer. After being released Charles is a reformed man and wants to stay out of trouble. Understanding it is tough he meets up with a new woman and stops her pimp about to put a beat down on her. Things are looking up for the two until that damn white cop that damaged Charles manhood is considered a local hero on the news. This sends Charles into a rage of revenge as he tracks down the individuals that wronged him, hypnotize their wives, and then strangle the white men with his snake like dong! No shit people I was not expecting this to go down and made for an eye opening exploitation flick. Well worth the watch for super dong and the ending as I give it 3 stars.

 

Dead Teenagers (DVD) – A college student heads to the library and comes across an odd notebook that is on the floor called: “Book of Lore”. He sits to read through the book that happens to have four tales of terror inside: ‘The Boo Men’ is about a young man facing his fear. ‘Full Moon Lighting’ is a tale of a young man coming back from Europe with a secret and finds his ex-girl has one of her own. ‘Skeleton Keys’ is where a young woman heads to her dead grandma’s house to sort out some things. ‘Suckers’ happens to be about a young man who is about to be out of a theater job because it is closing. But first he must fend of vampires that have infested the theater. This was literally one of those middle of the road anthologies. None of the tales sucked out loud but none of them stood out either so take that for what it is as I give the anthology 2 stars.

The Banana Splits Movie (On Demand) – I am ecstatic this film exists! Was it perfect, hell no but it was a fun gory mess of a horror film. So-called film critics, “GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF!” Why this as many other recent horror movies just upset you just to get your clicks I will never understand and maybe that is a good thing. Go be miserable for your clicks somewhere else… Anyway who would have guessed the internet joke that appeared late last year would become a reality? Was it a test or was it something always in the works? Doesn’t matter now as the horror movie is based off of a late 60s kids TV show in present day. Harley’s birthday is today and his family has plans to take him to a live taping of his favorite TV show. While the kids pour into the studio for the live taping it is learned back stage that the robots/Banana Splits will not be needed any longer as the show has been canceled. As the show must go on the Banana Splits have their own agenda as they go on a murderous rampage and kidnap children for their more evil show. I won’t get into too much detail so some of yinz horror fans can enjoy this project but I would have liked a more detailed reason on the reason for the Splits going chaotic? Like I said, “not perfect” but the project was entertaining and gory as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ghastlies (DVD) – Another Brett Kelly project released from Camp Motion Pictures that five years ago has aliens landing on Earth during a cult ritual. Now present day four ladies head out to a remote cabin for some sorority girl ritual or of course just a weekend of partying. The nerdy girl of the group wonders about and finds a VHS tape and plays it. On the tape is a young woman warning anyone who watched it that she is most likely dead but hopes the things she trapped in the fruit cellar/storm basement are also. Once disturbed the puppet creature/aliens begin to devour the humans at the cabin. Their main goal is to eat mankind one human at a time. Always been a fan of Brett Kelly so I looked forward to checking this one out but seem to be a little of a letdown. I thought I was getting an Indy version of “Gremlins”, “Munchies”, or even “Ghoulies” but came off as more of an unfinished project or a couple ideas cobbled together and not seen entirely through. I may only give this film 1 star but still a fan of Mr. Kelly and will be always on the lookout for his next project.

 

Nemesis 5: The New Model (DVD) – You know me I cannot stay from these sequels especially when the opening that explains the movie doesn’t make a whole lick of sense? In the distant future a young girl is sent into the past to be trained by a warrior named Alex to become a savior in the future to fight the Red Army. She is mostly robotic but has more human traits than other cyborgs that helps set her a part in her goal of helping mankind. I spent most of the movie trying to figure out why they didn’t fix the past if they were able to send someone back to be trained? Yeah it is nothing like Albert Pyun underground video classics we remember but you know me if they continue the series somehow I usually end up watching it as I give it 1 star.

 

Hell House LLC (Shudder) – So people come in and decide to investigate and put together a documentary on the tragic event of October 8, 2009 called “Hell House”. It is five years later and still no one has answers to what exactly happened to this Haunted House attraction that on opening night kills 15 people including the group that help build the haunt inside. Through found footage we learn the group begins to experience weird things as they live inside this old closed down hotel and turn it into a cool haunted attraction. The head of the group Alex is hell bent on keeping the haunt going so opening night they can make their money. But as the group begins to question why they are still there Alex convinces them it will be worth it once the lines grow outside opening night. When the attraction opens, chaos begins as things and demons appear, blood flows, and people begin running for their lives. A pretty decent horror flick that paranormal fans should enjoy as I give it 2 ½ stars and a better alternative to the “Grave Encounters” films.

 

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel (Shudder) – Two years have passed since the interview with a survivor or supposedly a survivor and the disappearance of the reporter Diane. Now a woman who runs a blog is interested in the mystery and wants to investigate the hotel for some tapes that may explain everything that actually happened in the hotel and explain the event in 2009? Her and her two man crew recruits the man behind the documentary and visit along with a medium that has a new show he wants to promote. Once they walk in they soon have been checked in and become part of the legend called Hell House. Some good scares again and begins to explain some interesting back story that makes both of the films an interesting watch and rewatch as I give the sequel 3 stars.

Bad Moon (DVD) – Michael Pare is Uncle Ted out in Nepal doing work. One night Ted and his assistant decide to get buck wild when a bad ass werewolf rips through their tent and tears them a part. A couple months go by as Ted is state side and contacts his sister. Unbeknownst to the sister and her kid Ted has been changing every night ripping through any hiker or group of people wandering through the remote woods. Now the authorities investigating the brutal murders of a possible animal attack Ted moves his trailer to his sister’s house but the family dog isn’t having it. As Ted slowly slips away into the wolf taking over night after night the family dog takes upon itself to attack to protect the family. Great screenplay, great cast, cool werewolf effects, and an awesome fight between the family dog and werewolf! A wonderful 1996 werewolf movie that is unknown to a lot of horror fans. This is always my first film I mention when crazy people always say, “There isn’t any good werewolf movies.” Example: THIS FILM as I give it 4 star stuff right here werewolf fans!

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #482

0

Gross Movie Reviews #482

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (DVD) – Even the flick is released in 2014 under the Troma label it is set in 2007 on Columbus Day weekend. Lloyd and others had nothing to do with this film other than picking it up for distribution so don’t get all crazy if and when I do not like the flick. On this so-called holiday weekend a group of women go into the Everglades to party hardy! Only one of them made it out to tell the story and this is her story. Supposedly every few years weird shit happens around Columbus Day in the Everglades and that didn’t stop these college girls looking for a good time. Supposedly it is haunted by a Seminole spirit who has a few things: a cage for his captured white woman, a trailer for him to hang out at and his dead wife, a ham sandwich for his white woman, and a boat to ride across the swamps. Okay now saying this out loud I believe this film is hilariously awesome in such a bad way as you should only watch with friends. Honestly I was expecting more boobs but I will forgive yinz as just writing this review made me laugh as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Naked Massacre (DVD) – Right out of the gate in this flick we are introduced to violence as a Vietnam vet sits and witnesses first hand a church bombing in Belfast. Supposedly a couple sources claim this film was based on the Richard Speck murders? It’s 1975ish and this US vet is wandering the streets of Belfast until he walks past a house full of nurses. This soon becomes his obsession as he watches day and night until his opportune time to make his move inside claiming he just wants money to get home? But quickly after the women are bound it becomes clear this vet is here to slowly torture and rape these innocent nurses. A pretty fucked up movie that I am surprised more the horror community hasn’t stumbled upon and made a bigger deal out of it as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Exterminators of the Year 3000 (Blu-ray) – I will be honest I thought I watched or tracked all the Eye-talian, Spanish, Canadian, etc. post-apocalyptic flicks I could find last year… Well I missed one and this was some good post-apocalyptic fun! A lone stranger only known as Alien wanders the Wasteland to come across a kid who wants to help his village get water. The world of course has turned into a desert a kid Timmy believes he is the last hope since his father didn’t come back. He hitches a ride with a group of villagers who must travel a horrible road of 180 miles that has crazy ass bikers led by a bad bootleg Vernon Wells. The bikers kill the group but know the water’s location now. Timmy is picked up along the way by Alien only to be sold out to the biker gang and have robotic arm ripped out. Nothing here to explain Alien is just like, “I know an old guy that can fix that”. So while Timmy gets fixed up, Alien with his sidewhore oh I mean ‘Trash’ go get the water. Of course Alien wants it for himself to sell to the highest bidder but has a change of mind when he takes on the crazed bikers by himself in his steel plated car called “The Exterminator”. Not much plot wise but still a lot of fun especially when they all just totally get why the kid is a cyborg or something as I give this gem 2 ½ stars.

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: Troma Edition (DVD) – Most likely Troma’s biggest fan Addison Binek known for his riffs on so many movies decided to put together a collection of Troma riffs. Now Addison being a smart dude didn’t just go for any Troma titles he went for the second tier! Maybe the lesser known to some to maybe open some eyes new to the Troma or Addison Binek world. Here is the list he tackles: Rabid Grannies, Hectic Knife, B.C. Butcher, Troma’s War, Getting Lucky, Redneck Zombies, Slaughter Party, and Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods. Now not all titles were from the minds of Lloyd and Mr. Herz but some brilliant pick-ups for the label a fun selection that makes you wonder where Addison gets all that Troma money for the props. And instead of condemning something of this nature Lloyd embraces Addison’s fandom and intelligence to put together a great product for all of us movie lovers to enjoy as once again I give his project 4 stars.

 

Serial Killer Massacre (DVD) – A 1997 title that you may have not heard much about as it was released to DVD as “Dying to Meet You”. A poorly written S.O.V. flick about two sadistic killers who find love with each other after trying to murder each other. When that doesn’t go well they decide, “Let’s Fuck”… Because nothing says lead up to bumping uglies like some bad wrestling on a floor with knives. The idea wasn’t a bad one just everything else was bad about it. If you just wanna film some mock film but two sadistic real-life lovers I am sure there is a category on PornHub for you? With a little direction, a little tweak in script, and not spending over 50 minutes on the dude alone in the film even before you hint the couple will be a couple and there could have been movie magic. Instead we get what looks like a bad attempt at a soft-core porn video that was just meant for them and none of us to see and that may have been for the better as I give it 0 stars.

 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (On Demand) – It has been five years since the giant radioactive lizard had shown up in San Francisco and of course us humans suck huge ball sack! Now the monsters are being released one by one to possibly keep Earth in balance until it is learned Ghidorah is not of this Earth and may be here to actually form it into his own. Which means Godzilla is here to save the humans… maybe. It is an absolute fun giant rubber monster flick that gets you very excited for Kong’s return. Yeah at times it seems the actors get in the way of the story but they are there to keep the story moving and who doesn’t love Charles Dance aka Brother Nupsie as the villain. Honestly not a lot can be said other than if you like the past giant rubber monster movies then you will enjoy this if not most likely you will never understand it as I give the film 3 ½ stars, now bring me Kong.

 

Killersaurus (DVD) – A UK flick that does their own bootleg generic version of “Carnosaur” where some research scientists literally will a dinosaur into existence with a 3-D printer! I don’t know if I should laugh my ball bag off or just be disappointed it took this long for this idea to be put to screen? With such an awesome beginning premise for a film it soon turned into a stale turd as people just keep talking about the dinosaur behind the door. And once seen it’s in horrible red light to hide the bad effects and it doesn’t eat everybody… For the love of Rutger Hauer I wanted a cheap dinosaur rampage movie instead got something that was a poor excuse for a film and Dollar General I want my two bucks back as I give it 0 stars.

 

Zombie Tidal Wave (SyFy Channel/DVD) – So Ian Ziering won’t go away but that isn’t such a bad thing when it comes to cheap weirdo shark and zombie films that show up on SyFy Channel once a year. Ziering is a lifelong seaman who encounters a blue weirdo out at sea that has just bitten one of his friends. Rushing back inland for help apparently this odd blue light out at sea starts off a zombie apocalypse that is brought in by a tidal wave onto a small town in Thailand I believe? Anyway next thing you know a bunch of random zombies and blue zombies begin chomping their way through the populace. The film has its moments of cheese but just for old 80s creature movie sake (Humanoids from the Deep) I had hopes of them explaining or doing a little more buildup of the pharmacy crap that supposedly went down in 1985 story wise? Anyway: blue zombies, Ian Ziering, an electrified knife, all this 2 star movie was missing was hot mess of a woman Tara Reid’s jacked up boob!

Slaughterhouse Massacre (DVD) – This odd low budget horror film that I guess could be classified as a slasher was a little bit of a surprise. Wasn’t expecting much but of course had massacre in the title so I needed to watch it. Anyway a group of friends leave Dallas College onto a party where this group learns of an urban legend “Marty Sickle”. Supposedly Marty lived in a local slaughterhouse and was accused of murder but the charges could not stick. So some of the locals took upon themselves to serve justice… it was like an alternate version of “Pledge Night”? So the four college kids head to the slaughterhouse to pussyfoot around and BINGO! They disturb Marty Sickle who really wasn’t dead and pissed enough he starts hacking the four to bits. This is one those enjoyable gory Indy flicks that make you glad it exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #480

0

Gross Movie Reviews #480

 

Valet Girls (On Demand) – Thanks to my good friend from across the pond James Peter Cox, he help me find this lost Empire Pictures flick that Charles Band has yet to abuse recently. It has cameos from former porn stars Ron Jeremy and Barbara Dare! For the most part this sex comedy that is more about comedy than sex is about Lucy and Rosalind and their misadventures as “Valet Girls” in Hollywood. All they want is to be famous but have to deal with dickholes Dirk Zebra and his sexual harassment antics. These young ladies are just trying to make it in the rock-n-roll business but in the meantime dress slutty for their job of parking cars. Most of this B-grade sex comedy takes place at a mansion that is basically supposed to be the Playboy mansion. But the girls get them all back when they are able to get the press in to see the underbelly of business in Hollywood. It is nowhere near as fun as “Hardbodies” but well adding that notch in your belt of 80s sex comedies that need to be seen as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blink of an Eye (DVD) – Arie Lombardozzi goes with a subtle statement short film that I believe can be taken in several ways depending what frame of mind you are in watching it? And that is a good thing in my book when reviewing independent stuff. A typical family of four is going through the routine of life. They are convincing themselves they are they are living a dream, meanwhile death is watching nearby creeping closer and closer. I enjoyed a couple things about this: first, everyone is faceless including the well-shot scene or scenes in the car dealership… Bravo my friend! And second, I believe you could watch this several times and have a different opinion each time of what is being portrayed. So for that Arie I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.deathdealerproductions.com .

Closing Time (DVD) – Well for the love of Rutger Hauer… Jim Roberts went and did it again as he made a wonderful independent horror film again and possibly the most serious to date. But don’t let that scare you off this mixture of paranormal, gangster, western, splatter film… Yeah that is the best way to describe this fun feature. A young man named Eddy just receives news his father died in an accident that was possibly caused by another young man Steve whose father owed money to Eddy’s father. Eddy not taking kindly to this and waiting for his father to get cold in the ground decides it is time to collect and get revenge with a little help from some friends. Eddy’s brutal take down of Steve’s western store goes well at first until the Native American spirits decide to pick sides and turn this revenge flick into full on splatter flick! The spirits want blood and sure get it as they fuck up Eddy and his cohorts. Jim Roberts is an amazing filmmaker the world has yet known but be prepared because if he keeps making wonderful entertaining horror films like this Hollywood will be calling as I give 3 out of 4 stars. Once again Jim proves he needs little money and some help from his dedicated friends to pull off a horror film that is more interesting than 99% of the shit you watch in 2019… Thank me later after you buy it!

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 1 (DVD) – Okay if you haven’t heard of Addison Binek it is time you do. This dude does riff trax for flicks, all kinds of flicks and even got Lloyd Kaufmann’s blessing. In the same vein as MST3K but he does it in like 20 minutes or so for each flick. With his YouTube channel under attack by YouTube as many others are Addison has decided to put out DVD collections of some of his best Riffs and damn it they are hilarious. In this collection Addison covers: Sharktopus, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Snow Shark, Sharks in Venice, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Super Shark, Raiders of the Lost Shark, Psycho Shark, The Last Shark, and Creature from the Haunted Sea. He does these films in some of the most prop filled and hatred towards SyFy Channel I have ever seen… And I laughed my ass off! Mr. Binek doesn’t take them too serious but his hatred at times is his love for cinema just coming through and telling the truth that people don’t wanna hear. Addison is absolutely brilliant and hilarious and gave some awesome quotes like “Bloody shark hand stigmata” and “Oh, a found footage movie from the future, GREAT!” If you need a laugh and wanna hear what we all been thinking when watching these flicks then do yourself a favor with this 4 stars entertainment all the way.

 

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 2 (DVD) – Addison Binek is back riffing on aquatic animal movies to my liking and less angry and just accepts how bad some of these are. This time around Mr. Binek almost makes me piss myself laughing when he tackles: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Sharkansas Women’s Prison, Piranha 3DD, Shark Exorcist, and Blood Beach. Yeah there is still a little SyFy Channel bashing but we do get a great line like “Are those giant balls?” Instead of anger we get Addison just enjoying what these movies are and that is they are just bad which for me is a good thing as I give this collection 4 stars again all the way!

 

The Hornet’s Disciple and the Scars She Left (DVD) – There is some talented independent filmmakers out there and then there is Dustin Mills. The man is constantly working and never doing the same thing horror wise. He is always trying to stretch the genre in so many ways to his vision. This film is no exception… For me a very hard watch as it’s not my usual cup of tea as it is in the vein of “A Serbian Film” or “August Underground”. This isn’t good or bad as Dustin is constantly trying to do something different constantly and I believe he is succeeding. The story revolves around a young lady Rose whose puts out ads looking for other young ladies who are into fetishes, pictures, videos, bondage, etc. Rose is looking for new sexual content for her website and is constantly upfront about what she wants. Everything is hunky dory with her newest actress/project Finley until Finley comes to the understanding what is actually happening and just hopes to get out alive! Rose abuses Finley until she comes to the revelation there has to be one that gets away? Is it possible if we look deeper into this content that it’s about a young lady like most today under the age of 30 are desensitized to everything now? Or is it just about a ruthless, sadistic, brutal woman who likes abuse in some way? Not totally sure but I do know this is a hard watch but give credit to Roni Jonah for being amazing in her role as Rose as I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. Again the film is not my cup of tea but I and Dustin know there is always an audience for this.

 

Machete Joe (DVD) – Well this low budget flick started off great and then quickly went into the pooper. The film is about a couple of filmmakers who have two different visions on what the low budget film they are filming is about. But of course they casted it and are filming at a haunted castle (supposedly) with not a full script called, “Machete Man”. Once everyone is there slowly the crew is being picked off. The film tries to be a ‘Who Dun it?’ kinda of flick but if you make it to the end you don’t really care as I give this bad movie 1 star.

 

Toilet Gator (YouTube) – “When you see the brown eye someone will die!” Yep the filmmaker tells you this before the movie gets started and it spends twenty minutes of the 60 minute film introducing the characters in a New York City apartment building. The toilet gator becomes a reality when famous child star Johnny Beaver flushes a pet alligator down the toilet before his mom knows he spent 500 bucks on it. Two weeks later it jumps out of someone’s toilet and attacks. Oh believe me it is worse than you can ever believe but leave it to me to sit back and find some weird enjoyment of this mid-90s Indy film no one heard of.  This was horribly bad until we get a dude fighting the toilet gator with a plunger and for that I give it a ½ star.

 

The Osterman Weekend (DVD) – This 1983 film stars Rutger Hauer and just about everybody else you can think of. Rutger Hauer is a TV personality named Tanner who looks to expose things politically for the people on live TV by interviewing government persons when possible. The CIA comes to believe that all of Tanner’s friends from Berkley are helping the Russians and plotting something big. They use an agent to help Tanner to turn his yearly retreat with his friends into a possible turning a friend into a spy against the Russians. Everything of course is for U.S. security but as the weekend goes along Tanner becomes more upset as his friends become unglued and the real reasons of their meetings are revealed. A very interesting film on privacy, government, and a few other things that are in the news now over 36 years later more than ever. For that folks I give this wonderful spy movie 3 ½ stars.

 

Alley Cat (DVD) – A wonderful B-movie action flick where a young lady (Billie) has had enough after her grandparents have been mugged. She tries to do it the right through the court system but gets in trouble for helping a rape victim and decides it is time to use her karate moves to jack up some dumb ass loser dudes that keep causing chaos in her life. We get everything to Billie fighting cops to her setting up her own rules in women’s prison until she can get out and kick ass! Fun B-movie stuff that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #479

0

Gross Movie Reviews #479

 

Fist of the Northstar (DVD) – Gary Daniels stars in this movie adaption a very popular comic in 1995 where he is a warrior in a post-apocalyptic landscape that must restore balance to the world. He is a warrior named Kenshirô who has been forgotten and believed dead until he resurfaces years later on a new path to fight Lord Shin who has kept the world in chaos. Has some Hollywood names and Gary Daniels did fine but the film has not aged well since its cable television premiere. Does it deserve a reboot? Possible but most likely get the same response when it first was released which wasn’t much here in the states as I give it 2 stars.

 

Escape Plan 3: Extractors (On Demand) – Stallone, Batista, and 50 Cent are at it one more time as a former associate’s son seeks revenge by kidnapping Stallone’s girlfriend and taking her to a hideous Russian prison. Not ground breaking but entertaining action sequel that keeps your interest enough to finish it and whet your appetite for the new Rambo film coming as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (DVD) – This Hammer film takes a little different take on the story as Dr. Jekyll is a scientist who is married to his work. Constantly experimenting he believes he may have found something that could revolutionize the world. In past versions of this story Jekyll turns into a horrible looking Mr. Hyde. Where in this version is the complete opposite where Jekyll turns into a handsome Mr. Hyde who spies on his wife banging Christopher Lee and flaunting it all around town while he works day and night. For Mr. Hyde it is not enough he wants to relish all the sins of the night life until it’s too late and he tries to fake his death. Not the best Hammer flick definitely worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Fisted! (DVD) – It is that time of the year again where friends head to the woods to have fun. But that comes to a screaming halt as giant ants eat porn stars doing their thing and a dude named Jerklin Boy destroys his victims with his ‘Fist’! When this killer uses his fist on his victims their heads explode. The Jerklin Boy looks like a generic Leatherface which only adds to the hilarious kill scenes in this Tom Martino feature. If that wasn’t enough Joe Garcia makes sure you will never look at a potato the same again. I laughed my ass at least a dozen times watching this as Mr. Martino has his own unique style of storytelling and makes his own movie rules up. “Fisted!” is entertaining as hell but not for the humans that have no humor in their lives as I give this feature 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.DWNProductions.net .

 

Eyes of Fire (DVD) – In 1750 a couple kids wandering the woods along the river bank are picked up and tell a French soldier a tale of why they left a haunted forest. Story begins with a priest who has stolen another man’s wife and has convinced a few villagers to steal a ferry, food, and begin a new adventure. An adventure of them floating down the river and finding land they can call their own and live the way they want to live. They want to find what they consider the promise land. After having a run-in with some Indians they go deeper into the woods where the natives believe the woods are haunted by evil spirits. The group finds a burned, wrecked cabin that they decide to settle and rebuild. But weird things almost immediately begin to happen to the group and the priest relies a lot on a young woman known as Leah who is a witch. Odd film for 1983 but just interesting enough I was glad to track this one down and check it out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Toy Box (DVD) – I always enjoy a completely off the wall idea that involves horror movies. The weirder or combining characters the better until I came across and watched this film that stars Denise Richards, Mischa Barton, and a bootleg Michael Caine. Bootleg Michael Caine wants to take a trip in a used RV with his family after his wife’s death. What bootleg Michael Caine doesn’t know is it is haunted by the spirit of a serial killer. The serial killer many years ago used the RV as his traveling killing zone. This movie was super lame and poorly executed. Thus proving maybe not all completely crazy horror movie ideas should be made as I give it a ½ star.

 

Boarding School (DVD) – A surprisingly different horror film that does a slow and interesting burn about a boy about to be a teenager whose grandmother has died. Quickly the boy Jacob becomes obsessed with his grandmother he never knew. This leads to the parents finding him in his grandmother’s dress and BOOM! Off to boarding school. But not just any boarding school? A very elite boarding school where a teacher played by Will Patton takes his job serious and has a strict way of kids being schooled. What seems like a horror film that is going to play with the gender bending rules goes into a very mysterious direction as the class is filled out with kids that maybe different and have a handicap. This slowly blossoms into a wonderful horror film as kids begin to show dead almost on a nightly basis. This film has some cool sick shit going down and I like it as kids die and the film keeps you guessing of what will the characters do next as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Django the Bastard (Blu-ray) – I have always enjoyed the Clint Eastwood westerns and only recently have scratched the surface of all the other spaghetti westerns from the past. This was a first time watch and a wonderful one at that as I did see the similarities in this 1969 film that Eastwood did later. The film is also known as “The Strangers Gundown” is about a mysterious man named Django who was believed to be dead many years before. He walks right in town, places a cross in the dirt with the man’s name and date of death. This is just bad ass! Through flashbacks of the Civil War we come to learn Django and his fellow troops were abandoned by their leaders and he has been searching for the three for years. Anthony Steffen has the stare down as he just shows up in town and takes on a whole gang of gunslingers wanting the last man he is looking for. This western actually separates itself from many of this time as it almost has horror movie kinda feel with how it is shot. This maybe my first watch but it will be watch many times more in the future as I absolutely enjoyed the colors and the horror overtone of revenge by Django. The Blu-ray looks beautiful and the commentary by the historian is very interesting if you are a fan of the spaghetti westerns as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Of course you can find this at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Critters Attack! (DVD) – Another poor attempt of getting this franchise off the ground again but at least nowhere annoying as “Critters: A New Binge”. A young lady Drea who is stuck living with her uncle and having trouble getting into the college her mother went too takes on a babysitting job that may help. Soon Drea and her brother get caught up with a Critter princess who has come to Earth to kill the male Crites. It becomes a retelling of “Adventures in Babysitting” only with Crites and Dee Wallace. Their heart is in the right place but the lack of understanding what made the first four films such a fun hit with movie fans is lacking. Can a good reboot be done, maybe, but the damage has been with these two latest efforts… What happens after this remains to be seen but I doubt we will see anything other than a minor budgeted unsuccessful sequel that has nothing to do with anything as I give this poor effort 1 star.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #478

0

Gross Movie Reviews #478

 

The Beast of 20,000 Fathoms (DVD) – A classic, a dull classic but considered a classic from the early 50s where those damn humans haven’t learned anything and have scientists testing atomic weapons in the Artic. The latest test awakens a dinosaur that is awaken from its long sleep and begins eating people and making its way to New York. The fans of this film will give you two reasons to watch it: first of course is Ray Harryhausen as this was the film that really got his name out there and second is a small role for Lee Van Cleef who became a favorite actor of many of the next two or so decades. I find it kind of dull but still a must watch every ten years or so as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Running Man (DVD) – It is 2017, and life we know it is no more as society has collapse and now run very differently. The biggest thing in this world is a game show called, “The Running Man”! It is where prisoners get a chance to live if they can make it through this dangerous course full of stalkers who are trying to kill them. A prisoner named Ben Richards played by Arnold Schwarzenegger has just happened to break out of prison with two other fellows. He has caught the eye of game show host Damon Killian. Killian wants him for the show for ratings and once he got him he was right as Ben and friends are not about to die quickly. As they begin fighting back in the course and killing stalkers they also want to find the resistance as they want to steal the uplink code for the satellite and show the people all over the world they are being lied too. An amazing action filled flick with lots of Arnie one liners, over the top violence, and sense they were not too far off predicting the future these days. 4 star flick all the way!

 

Hellboy (On Demand) – The remake, reboot whatever you want to call it that wasn’t needed. By no means is this film bad it is just Ron Perlman is ‘Hellboy’… Like Robert Englund is ‘Freddy’, and Kane Hodder is ‘Jason’. They own the role so it’s very tough to put forth a different version of that character out there to the fans. It is the retelling of the origin story of ‘Hellboy’, think “The Amazing Spider-man” it looks the same but something is missing? And in this film if it isn’t the Del Toro and Perlman tag team magic then it was the really bad CG effects at different times throughout this film. The movie is entertaining but for me at least doesn’t hold a candle to the first two films and by the way they were not that old as I give it 2 stars.

Zoombies 2 (On Demand) – Same director and writer are back with a film that doesn’t have anything to do with the oddly fun film that was released a couple years ago. This time around some poachers come to a jungle island trying to capture animals. But a special toxin that was made to shoot the animals with instead of bullets is used it turns the animals into zombie animals that are attacking any human. Here is the kicker human blood is the antidote for them. So the poachers, animal researchers, and a tough ass ranger must team up to survive this catastrophe! The first was hilarious in a good/bad way and seem to be a lot of fun where the second entry seem to maybe overthink this concept and lost its charm along the way that made horror fans interested the first time around as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Stranger Things Season 3 (Netflix) – Just like everybody else I was interested in where the Duffer Brothers go from here with the group and the alternate world that had been closed for good last season. Now summer of 1985, the group are becoming full blown teenagers and growing a part at times but when a mysterious darkness crops back into Hawkins again it gets the kids and Hopper back together again and there are RUSSIANS! For the love of Joe Pilato they open with a Day of the Dead scene and pay attention to episode six has the music. I love the series as it is fun, entertaining, and doing the 80s nostalgia right. This is four stars all the way and I believe if they are going to stick out at least one more season it would not surprise me if Chernobyl is involved? Just saying since the Duffer Brothers have made it a point of doing things in order in the 80s world… Either way like most I will be waiting the new season whenever that will be.

 

Cannibal Cop (DVD) – Another recent Donald Farmer flick that has a dirty cop in Detective Warbeck roughing up criminals in New Orleans. What the officer doesn’t know is he is being stalked by a young lady who wants to bring to light the police brutality that goes on a nightly basis. She gets footage of a drug dealer killed by Detective Warbeck but the local news station isn’t interested so the young lady still stalks him. But to Warbeck’s surprise the drug dealer has a final wish and that is to become part of the undead for revenge. Once undead he attacks and bites Warbeck making him ‘Cannibal Cop’! The usual no budget gore with lots of filler. I like the cast but what the script was most likely should have never been feature length as I give it 2 stars.

 

Finding Purpose (DVD) – A non-horror film review here which is rare for me as this flick is from John Reign who decided to make a drama on $5,000 or that is at least what IMDB claims. Anyway John wanting to dedicate his film to fallen U.S. troops and what it means to him crafts a story about two brothers and their adventure together. John Kayhill and his two Army vet buddies from their outfit 25 years ago are still trying to find where they actually fit in society as they struggle mightily. John a little more struggle than his two buddies because he has been taking care of mentally handicapped brother. The state comes in and removes Rod from John because they declare him unfit and if he doesn’t get his act together he will also be homeless. Distraught and not knowing what to do he speaks with his two buddies who help craft a plan for John to go get his brother from the group home 20 miles away. After police get wind of the escape they now start investigating the whereabouts of the two. Both John and Rod get into some heated trouble just trying to stay together and doing the right thing by helping others. The story is great and can be even a little tear jerky if you have dealt with something like this? Wasn’t thrilled by the whole stripper angle to the story but it was needed for where the adventure was going. A more perfect running for the film is most likely 85 minutes than the almost 100 it is but I am picking at little aspects of the film. John and cast should be proud of the tale they got on film as it is a wonderful drama done on no budget that is better than 99% of the other dramas that are shoved down people’s throats these days as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Strange New World (YouTube) – Another ‘ABC Movie of the Week’ find starring John Saxon from 1975. In present day the scientific team of three is sent to space for a suspended animation experiment on themselves for a short period. During their sleep meteors destroy Earth as they know it and people back home put into the computer a certain time frame to keep them sleeping. Doing this helps when it is safer to travel back to Earth and find the underground facility that is doing the same experiment. The team of three awakens in 2155, 180 years later and find out what happened. With Earth still there they go back and begin their journey into the unknown where they find almost caveman types surviving in the jungles and people that clone themselves to live maybe forever? It is no “Damnation Alley” but I am always in for a watch when John Saxon is involved as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

 

Gross Movie Reviews #477

0

Gross Movie Reviews #477

 

Brightburn (On Demand) – Spoiler alert people imagine if Superman came to Earth and was raised on a farm and instead of thinking he is supposed to save humanity? He is to rule and destroy them all. At first he doesn’t want to hurt anyone but soon the voices in his head convince it is time to fuck everybody up. Wasn’t expecting a lot but it entertains and I enjoyed the ending since it wasn’t your cookie cutter happy ending that a lot of people tend to expect. I give it 2 stars. The film isn’t bad, it wasn’t good, just one of those you will forget quickly.

 

Unholy Rollers (DVD) – A forgotten early 70s film starring Claudia Jennings in a roller derby film produced by Roger Corman. Claudia plays a woman named Karen who has just quit her cat food job because she is tired of all the sexual harassment and wants something different in life. Along comes the local roller derby tryout that is looking for fresh faces and like wrestling is popular and pre-determined. With two other people out of many Karen is hired for not just her looks, but spunk or as the roller derby owner kept saying sportsmanship! Karen becomes a quick hit with fans which means money and fame but also jealously among the teams as they don’t like Karen looks down on them. As quickly as Karen gets big in the sport she burns out in the big climax of the film where she just goes batshit crazy. Fun 70s movie stuff that never gets old as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Paralyzed With Fear (DVD) – Mr. Glenn Berggoetz is back with another tale of horror as Glenn doesn’t just stick to one genre proving he is a talented independent filmmaker that keeps you guessing. This time around in the opening scene a woman and her husband are in a serious car accident that has her husband die from his injuries. Unhappy and depressed her daughter Hannah worries a lot until she comes up with an idea with her girlfriend to maybe talk to the dead. Hannah believes if they have a ceremony or séance with her mother they or her mother could talk to her dead husband to help his passing and she could move on. Hannah convinces mom it’s a good idea and they do it believing they have made contact with the dearly departed love one. But they learn the hard way sometimes the dead should stay dead as an evil spirit played by an iconic figure Kane Hodder as the ghastly demon has decided to haunt them. Hannah’s conjuring ceremony is not what she expected but it’s way too late as she is deceived also by the evil spirit. A simple creepy paranormal movie that proves you don’t need the latest technology or appeal to the teens’ bottom line to pull off a scary flick. It’s also fun in the manner that Kane’s devilish voice and appearance brings back delightful memories and feelings I have watching “Prince of Darkness” and for that I give Glenn’s new feature 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Back Again (DVD) – A newer independent filmmaker David Bachmeier to hit the scene has his latest short film that takes on a serial killer and has a cool intro from the legendary Glen Colburn. Tommy Lee Jarvis is a brutal serial killer who has been gunned down by authorities and buried. A drunken doctor and his assistant have taken it upon themselves to dig up his fresh corpse for their experiment. Biggest problem is their formula works and the undead killer is back for another horrible murder spree! I like the premise, I like the gore, the short is a little rough but I did enjoy what David had accomplished and look forward to his future projects as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Shaft (On Demand) – So this film wins the award for a project I didn’t see happening in 2019 or anytime soon. Bottom line Shaft has a kid and he needs his absentee father’s help in a case of a friend who may have been murdered. Figured a sequel like this would dumb and uneventful but instead is unforgiving, hilarious, and most likely the most politically incorrect movie of 2019 and thank the lord Rutger Hauer for that. Well casted and make fun of millennials for almost two hours straight I am in as I give it 3 stars.

 

Funland (VHS/YouTube) – David L. Lander is Bruce Berger the clown who happens to be the mascot of a big theme park called ‘Funland’. Berger is the annoying clown that everyone puts up with because he has been there from the beginning but things change when the original owner of ‘Funland’ supposedly commits suicide. Here comes an Italian family taking over the park and using it as a front. Of course Bruce cannot take this and completely snaps to the point he talks to wax statues, he was already talking to his puppet, but also plans to shoot the national Bruce Berger clown they are bringing in for opening day. Thinking this movie over you can easily sit back and say this movie is about a man with mental illness that has a complete breakdown and here is the result. Or the later I have a feeling everyone from the producers, to the writers, to the director was unsure of what kind of movie they were going for as the film isn’t real funny and has a couple very racy scenes. I give the film only 1 star but if you are a weird film buff you may want to go down the rabbit hole of finding this for a watch?

The Keep (DVD) – It is 1941 and Nazi soldiers are sent into the Romanian mountains to investigate and guard a mysterious place called ‘The Keep’. The place was built for some unknown reason many years ago before WWII and Hitler thought of. The villagers there have been caretakers of ‘The Keep’ as long as they all can remember. But there are stories of people disappearing or not making the night there at ‘The Keep’. Of course the Nazi soldiers are completely fascinated by this legend and possibility of silver being in the labyrinth so go and disturb something ancient. A few days later and Nazi soldiers dying equally mysterious French man shows up wanting a room overlooking ‘The Keep’. Thus awaiting a battle… The film isn’t great but an interesting piece of cinema from Michael Mann who was very popular in the 80s as there are stories of the film plagued by problems that include the author of the original story claimed it had nothing to do with his story. There is a rumored 200 minute plus cut of the film!!! Interesting soundtrack by Tangerine Dream… The film is good vs. evil using the Nazi power at its height as the backdrop but I believe never comes close to being what it could have been? This is one of those flicks that are more popular for what happened off screen than what happened on screen but I still give it 2 stars because I am a Scott Glenn fan.

 

Phantom of Death (DVD) – A less talked about Italian film from Ruggero Deodato that is a thriller about a famous pianist. Michael York plays the pianist but it seems immediately death surrounds him as a string of murders are quickly connected to the pianist by police inspector Donald Pleasence. What’s weird ten minutes in the police inspector knows who the killer is but no one believes him. And to the viewer it becomes quickly clear who it is as the pianist discovers he has a rare incurable disease that sends him off the edge of playing cat and mouse with the inspector! He goes around the Italian countryside playing a game of death always being one step ahead of the inspector. As the illness continues to get worse the crazier Michael York’s character gets. It wasn’t really impressive but one of those horror flicks I cross off my “must need to see” list as I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

Gross Movie Reviews #476

0

Gross Movie Reviews #476

 

Slaughter (DVD) – Jim Brown stars as the title character who wants revenge against a mob in Mexico who has killed people close to him. Slaughter is a no nonsense dude that fucks anybody that gets in his way of his revenge. Even though the F.B.I. uses him to help get the job done because the mob has never seen him Slaughter uses the F.B.I. for their resources. Jim Brown is wonderful in kicking ass but also has an equally cool piece of shit villain in a super racist young Rip Torn! This film is more fun than serious and doesn’t have that Blaxploitation feel even for being released in 1972. I have always been a fan of Fred Williamson but this film help open my eyes to some of Jim Brown’s work as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Dirty Dozen (DVD) – An all-star Hollywood flick about a secret group of Army men that are needed to go into hostile territory during WWII to take out as many Nazi officers as possible. Think “The Expendables” decades before the concept is thought of! Almost all that read this review had that parent or grandparent that would watch this on TBS, AMC throughout the years. It is one of those unforgettable flicks where Lee Marvin is a Major that is tasked with a group of prisoners he must whip into shape in a short amount of time to take on this secret mission. They all must become and move as one or die of a quick death on the battlefield or in prison if they do not cooperate. Rewatching this film I still believe the film stands the test of time. The film is violent, funny, and has that right mix of characters that you understand why so many people watch this film over and over many times as I give it 4 stars.

 

Beaster Day (DVD) – This is one of those recent B-flicks you have so much hope to be a fun bad flick to watch and talk about: “Sharknado”, “Woodchipper Massacre” is two examples. This fails horribly! A giant Easter Bunny is eating people throughout a small town as the holiday approaches but the only hope is a crazy focused dog catcher. Now I am not expecting hundred million dollar creature effects but I am at least expecting some half-ass idea why the giant crayon drawn bunny is there eating people? Nope, the vicious fucker is just there eating people while the mayor tries to smoke weed and keep his town calm so their kids could still do their egg hunts… This feature proves I don’t enjoy everything bad and for that I give this 0 stars.

 

Curse of the Mayans (YouTube) – A modest budgeted film from Mexico that takes on Mayan 2012 legend of something big happening. The film follows a scientist who is tasked by a billionaire to find the secrets of the Mayans for his private collection. Problem is the scientist may have stumbled upon what really happened to mankind all those years ago. Their expedition goes through a very dangerous jungle that is watched over by drug runners. They are allowed passage but warned to not disturb anything. The scientist and his group find an underwater cave that leads downward and has these Mayan drawings that were never seen before explaining the events years ago. They also awaken the ancient aliens who have laid dormant that whole time also that Mayans defeated. The movie is a bit boring at times but was shot beautifully. I cannot poop all over this movie for one I believe this movie was shot for a certain audience and us Americans suck when it comes to understanding foreign films. Two, the wide shots, the action shots, I enjoyed the cinematography. It is better than 75% of the big budget stuff we are forced fed in the U.S. on a regular basis and for that I give the film 2 stars.

Slaughter of the Innocents (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has just released a wonderful special edition of this serial killer film that wasn’t forgotten but maybe a bit lost in horror fans memories. This film was one those HBO premieres from the early 90s that took advantage of the door that was opened by “Silence of the Lambs”. We forget there was a dozen or so serial killer films that used cable channels and direct-to video for their big premieres as people’s movie watching habits were changing again. This feature starring Scott Glenn as F.B.I. agent Stephen Broderick was one of those early 90s movies that was well-crafted but unrealistic as a lot of us seen but maybe doesn’t get nearly as much press as the ‘Hannibal’ series did? Five years ago there was a brutal murder in Utah that was solved and now in present time (1993) a new murder and kidnapping has happened that fits the profile. Agent Broderick travels to Utah before the killer is put to death trying to explain he never felt good about the guy that was arrested. Sadly the man is put to death and this murder that fits the profile pops up and has Broderick’s interest. He wants to not only find out why this guy disappeared for five years but how he has never been found during that time. So with the help with his borderline genius son they track down the real killer who happens to be a religious nutjob who believes he is leading up to something biblical. Now true it is very unbelievable that in today’s society that a kid no matter whose kid would be allowed to travel across several state lines to help investigate murders. The movie does ask for you to suspend what you know but putting that aside for future drunken conversations with your horror friends, the film is rather fun, fast-moving, and beautifully brutal at times. You have a serial killer movie friend in your group make sure you drop this one on them as it will blow their mind how cool this film still is after 25 years. The Blu-ray special features are pretty damn cool with its deleted scenes that all feel like they belong except one that were most likely cut out for time restraints than just not fitting? Also there is an alternate assault sequence that had a different actor and reasons for changing the scene which is very interesting and I never knew existed. Plus there is a wonderful interview with a much underrated talent Gabe Bartalos talking about all his effects in the film. And the fun blast from the past topper for memory sake is the original HBO promo spot! This serial killer film is not perfect by any means but still deserves 3 out of 4 stars and as usual 4 stars for the package as Synapse Films once again hits it out of the ballpark. For more details on the Blu-ray please go to: www.synapse-films.com .

 

The Island (Blu-ray) – This was one those movies from the 80s that was on list that haven’t track down to watch until now. It stars Michael Caine as a reporter Blair Maynard who wants to travel to Florida and some small islands surrounding it to investigate the mysterious disappearance of ships in the Bermuda Triangle area. He takes his young teenage son with him to bond as he got stuck with him because his ex-wife ran off with her boy toy to Dallas. As Blair investigates he tries to bond with his son by going fishing. They are attacked by pirates who have somehow have lived off of the grid for hundreds of years and now are convinced in recent years to survive they must attack vacationers. Why is because most people would just chalk up as lost at sea or it is the Bermuda Triangle. Now instead of investigating Blair must survive David Werner and others as they plan to brain wash Blair’s son into joining the pirate life and continuing their bloodline. Not a straight up horror flick but fun for summer watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Tammy and the T-Rex (YouTube) – Here is a B-movie from 1994 that I literally thought someone made up. You know one those rumors about a film that exists but actually doesn’t and has gained internet fame as an urban legend of existing. Well folks it exists and I absolutely loved it as I couldn’t stop laughing at how silly this movie was and the cast it had. Tammy and her new boyfriend Michael are in love but of course Tammy’s ex-boyfriend believes she belongs to him no matter what. So Michael keeps having run-ins with the ex and keeps being warned he will get killed. One night Tammy and Michael’s hot kiss fest in Tammy’s bed is interrupted by the ex and his gang as they leave Michael beat up and in an animal park where he is attacked by lions. Michael ends up in a coma at the hospital from the attack and neurosurgeon/evil scientist guy who just happens to have built a robotic T-rex has a plan to bring it to life. With Michael’s brain of course! The dinosaur experiment works and next thing you know what seems like a PG-rated Disney film has a dinosaur going to a party and slashing and smashing to death Tammy’s ex and his gang members. This movie is complete chaos and bad, but a wonderful hilarious bad that stars a clean shaven George ‘Buck’ Flower, an absolutely fresh and hot and before batshit recent crazy years Denise Richards, an equally hot fresh Paul Walker, Terry Kiser, Sean Whalen, and John Franklin just for horror fans minds to be blown! As I laugh my ass off thinking about the film I give it 3 stars just for being so damn entertaining.

 

Demonic (DVD) – A paranormal group convinces a friend he needs to visit a house his mother was at over twenty years ago. He keeps having dreams of his mother when she was younger in what is called “The Livingston House” because there was several murders there years ago that this small southern town would like to forget. The group believes he can find the answers he has been looking for there. They go and set up for the night only to unlock something the house hasn’t seen over for over twenty years. The film does star the talented Maria Bello and doesn’t really break new ground in this paranormal genre but does give a watchable horror film about a demon trying to enter our world which is more I can say about a lot of the films in this genre as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

 

Gross Movie Reviews #475

0

Gross Movie Reviews #475

 

Mind Trap (YouTube) – Another Dan Haggerty classic was unearthed from 1989 but oh I was wrong as Mr. Haggerty was much underused in this feature and has the look of being on set for one day. What else doesn’t help is when you go search everybody involved with the film on the Google machine this was pretty much it. Anyway in this weirdo film where a cat is used as a weapon Dan Haggerty plays an agent for this girl Shana. She just happens to be casted in several B-films that she quite enjoys but might have her big break coming. That is all put on hold when her father is killed by the KGB for his mind control research. Shana’s father built a dream room under their house but has only seen it once but the KGB kills the rest of her family trying to get it. Shana plays a weird game of cat and mouse if that is what you wanna call it with the KGB as she uses her movie skills to take them on. This movie is actually very terrible and found myself laughing several times because how bad it gets. Also the film disappointed me greatly as there are very few scenes of Dan Haggerty… I may have to go rewatch “Night Wars” or “The Channeler” as I give this a ½ star.

 

100 Bloody Acres (Shudder) – An Australian film about The Morgan Brothers who make organic manure. These two brothers recently hit it big with a big name client as they have a special formula of manure that involves dead bodies. If roadkill isn’t available any dead human will do. Brother Reg who just picked up a dead body from the side of the road picks up three music festival goers believing he can just drop them off and get with the hot redhead Sophie. Sophie is everything to Reg as she sings the golden oldies and still has some country girl in her. But things go south quickly as both of her boyfriends find the dead body in back, but too late Reg has gotten them to his older brother. Now the only thing in the way is Reg protecting Sophie from being grinded up in the manure by his big brother. One mishap after another result in 80-year old pussy eating, a cop who is best friends with the brothers being shot, and Sophie admitting she actually likes Reg and not the two guys she is with. It’s weird enough and gory enough the film is a very pleasant surprise of a horror film as I give it 3 stars.

 

Deadly Games (YouTube) – Apparently this 80s or 70s slasher but actually thriller has reappeared again for people to watch for free and how it gets you to watch is it stars a young Steve Railsback and the legendary Dick Butkus. Anyhow Billy Owens who just reopened the local town movie theater and a cop Roger Lane got this weird war buddy relationship going on. If that isn’t enough everybody in this west coast town is married and banging everyone else except their spouses to the point I thought I was watching the wrong movie when the pool scene came on. Because everyone is bumping uglies a masked killer who also happens to be a peeping Tom begins killing off people. There really isn’t an ending and this weird movie formula works on some level so if you got some time to kill give this a try as I give it 2 stars.

 

Shazam! (Theater) – Captain Marvel, ha-ha caught you sleep reading… Anyway DC lets this family film out about a 14 year old kid named Billy Batson who becomes a superhero that is strong as Superman because his heart is pure. He is picked by a wizard to carry on the Shazam tradition and defeat the evil power of the Seven Deadly Sins. Billy being a runaway who doesn’t have a family learns what the most important thing is having a family and that helps him defeat the evil Seven Deadly Sins. But what does this have over Batman and recent Superman flicks: it’s funny, interesting, a great origin story and it isn’t Batman or Superman. The sooner DC universe learns you can dig deep into your comic archives without having the big two involved the sooner we can see more cool flicks like “Shazam!”, “Wonder Woman”, hell even “Aquaman”! This is the most family oriented comic book hero film I have seen to date and its great as I give 3 ½ stars.

 

Monster Island (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Just when I thought SyFy Channel turned into the Harry Potter network they pull this Asylum Entertainment project out of their ass that stars Eric Roberts as a Navy general. A giant volcanic monster named ‘Tango’ or giant star fish has risen from the deep depths of the ocean to cause destruction on Earth. But there is a legend of a monster called ‘The Living Mountain’ when brought to life it will kill the giant magma filled starfish. Yes it is their version of the new Godzilla movie but if you enjoy silly shit involving monsters then grab a beer and enjoy Eric Roberts talking to himself as I give it 2 stars.

 

Await Further Instructions (DVD) – This is a post-apocalyptic oddity as it takes place at the holidays. The news keeps reporting strange going-ons with the U.S., China, and Russia like WWIII is about to happen, then blackness. The plot is the son comes home with his Indian girlfriend to meet mum but the family is super racist. Once they figure it is a bad idea it is too late as they wake up early to leave but the house is covered in a black metallic substance and a message on the tele reading “Await Further Instructions”. The family quickly turns on each other as they believe the girlfriend is infected and the father only believes what the tele tells him. What is outside and how to get out is unknown? A super weird flick that has that uneasy “Videodrome” and “The Mist” feeling to it with an ending that will just leave you asking a shitload of questions. I give it 3 stars as your homework assignment is to go watch it report back to me!

Revenge of Billy the Kid (DVD) – If you are looking to fulfill your British film weirdness well this film about the McDonalds on an isolated island will do. These back woods farmers called the McDonalds sell their crops to mainlanders but try to keep to themselves on this island. Well the father McDonald gets all horned up one day walking with his prize goat and yes he makes it his mate! Little time passes as the goat of course gives birth to a mutant. The one young woman Ronnie that lives on the farm gives it the name Billy and tries to take care of it until it runs away. When it is all grown up Billy’s ugly ass comes back for a killing spree of the family! If you need more bestiality in your life this 2 star film is all you.

 

The Perfection (DVD) – A thriller with a couple bizarre well written twists takes place in the music world. A cello artist named Charlotte who was as perfect as god according to her teacher had to leave the famous music training school to take care of her sick mom. A decade passes and a new prodigy has risen named Lizzie. Charlotte tracks her down along with her old teacher to get back in the music world. Lizzie and Char hit it off immediately and head off for a little vacation but Lizzie is not feeling well at all. Lizzie is later found all drugged up on the side of the road by herself and missing something. Without saying too much the film takes a couple turns in the story that you will not expect and quite enjoy the finish. Don’t mind you see some blurred out man meat from Steven Weber it’s all part of the process as I give it 3 stars.

Shed of the Dead (DVD) – Trevor is a man living out his fantasy world in his shed when he isn’t hanging with his buddy Graham playing some Dungeons and Dragons type game. Trevor and the wife don’t get along and he is in between jobs and now the neighbor Kane Hodder wants him evicted for not taking care of his lot. Trevor as Casimir the Destroyer always knows what to do but in the real world Trevor hates life until… the zombie apocalypse hits and Trevor tries to decide should he save his wife and just hang out with his friend Graham who finally was able to leave his house. There is also a couple other fun names in here: Brian Blessed who does voiceover, Michael Berryman which may own the most famous recent death in a movie to become a zombie? (He is dressed as a leather horse with a butt plug, you need to see it just because!), and Bill Mosley as Doc who is excited the zombie apocalypse has happened. It is a clone of “Shaun of the Dead” a bit but don’t let that dissuade you from enjoying this entertaining zombie film that needed more Kane Hodder as the Canadian. For that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019