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Gross Movie Reviews #544

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Gross Movie Reviews #544

The Alchemist (DVD) – A lost Empire Pictures flick from 1983 that has just shown up again recently on Full Moon Streaming and just to make it weirder the film was directed by Charles Band but only after the original dude was fired three days in. A woman who has visions of the past is driving cross country with her new hitchhiker buddy and stumble upon a man who is cursed. This cursed dude (Robert Ginty) swears revenge on an evil magic man whose curse does not allow the man to leave this dimension of existence. Visions, weird things that don’t make much sense, and “The Exterminator” make this rather unknown thriller a worthwhile watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Devil’s Sword (DVD) – A super bizarre Indonesian film from 1983/1984 that was titled ‘Golok Setan’ in certain countries. A great young warrior is asked to do a favor for “The Crocodile Queen”. He is asked to remove a husband from a village that she wants for her sexual pleasures. The young man almost fails when his former buddy Mandala appears on a horse only curious to the carnage of the villagers. Mandala almost stops the kidnapping of the husband but is only misdirected by “The Crocodile Men”! This sets up the subplot of Mandala finding his master half dead and goes on his quest for revenge and retrieving the Devil’s Sword which is considered the most powerful weapon in the whole world. If any of this sounds interesting know that this film is non-stop action full of: black magic, Crocodile Queen, Crocodile Men, a sword to rule the world, a Cyclops cave creature, blood and guts by the bucket loads, over the top martial arts, and there is freakin’ laser beams coming from a warrior’s hands at one point in a fight! Grab your friends, grab the pizza and beer, because buckle up you are in for one the craziest films you have ever had the guilty pleasure of watching as I give it 3 stars.

Wrong Turn (Remake/On Demand) – Don’t know whose bright idea this was… but you are a dumb ass. Anyway six friends stop into a small Virginian mountain town to start their hiking vacation. They are warned to “Stay on the trail!” But of course the friends do not and have a terrible accident. One by one the group is being trimmed down by this “off the grid” village of folks who have been established in the woods since 1859 and call their settlement “The Foundation”. Six weeks later a father whose daughter was part of the group of six people gone missing goes investigating and is not happy with the locals as they just keep trying to scare him off. But this father refuses to give up and finds his daughter but they must fight to survive if they even have a chance of seeing civilization again… Outside of the glimmer of fake cannibals ¾ of the way into the film and the bad joke at the end about a backwoods family this film is not ‘Wrong Turn’. Not totally understanding why they used the title other to cash in but from what I have read the remake has gone unnoticed so it most likely should have just been called ‘The Foundation’. Wasn’t a fan of it having basically two endings but I still give this bootleg ‘Wrong Turn’ cash-in 2 ½ stars but I still say yinz could have done better?

Child in the Night (DVD) – A 1990 TV movie where a kid Luke (Elijah Wood), sees his father murdered on the boat dock. Jackie a psychologist is brought in by the police unwillingly to get Luke to talk as his father’s death has left the kid in shock. The police investigation hinges on the kid snapping out of it and talking to the good doctor so she can relay the answers. Great cast for this TV thriller and you can see why Elijah Wood was gonna be good early on as I give it 3 stars.

Corpsing (DVD) – A 2012 independent flick that also known as ‘Lady Frankenstein’ and for good reason as the film is a combo of ‘Frankenstein’ and ‘Night of the Living Dead’. A curious doctor is invited to a sick woman’s lab where she explains her experiment that could change the world but has also left her in a wheelchair. She was a military scientist who thought she was being held back and felt more comfortable working out of her home lab on her ultimate experiment… Her goal is to remake a person from the right corpses? She completed the task, the experiment was going well, he was learning, things progressed, she fell in love with him, and then things began to fall apart unless the experiment was able to feast on living things. Once she allows the experiment to bite her she follows the downward spiral into horror that knows no end. There is only one ending for all involved and it will be bad but that doesn’t stop this independent feature from pulling out all the stops to suck you in and make you feel the experiment and the scientist as I give it 3 stars.

Aquarium of the Dead (DVD) – Hey kids ‘Zoombies’ has another sequel! A shipment of the tainted animal meds is sent from the Eden Zoo to the Aqua Zoo and now there is a re-animated octopus fucking the place up. As things lockdown as humans are being attacked the Aqua Zoo officials most figure out how to stop this horror or at least next time dispose of the bad animal meds. This movie is bad, not a good bad either as it has no redeeming value or rewatch value as I give it 0 stars.

The Butcher Surgeon (YouTube) – Another dark short film from the duo Philip Brocklehurst and Alex Wesley about a brilliant surgeon not making his therapy session. The good surgeon documents his spiral into madness of what he has done before his great suicide. A wonderfully dark and brutal short from the duo that makes you wanting more as I give the short film 3 out of 4 stars.

Teacher Shortage (DVD) – It is yearbook time and a female student is ruined when she is listed as “Ugly Skank” in the yearbook. After being laughed at she runs for the girls’ restroom where she commits suicide. This of course sets up the story some time later where teachers are having meetings to discuss how to be a modern teacher and how their style needs to change to help the modern student. But one by one the faculty is being murdered in horrible ways until the killer is revealed. Is the filmmaker trying to make a political statement on the state of teaching these days or just exploring another way to make an Indy slasher? Either way the film has a great cast, a solid plot, but there is something missing that holds this film back? I am not totally sure if it’s just the music or maybe just needing a different ending but throughout I just felt the film was missing that extra something to make it memorable as I give the film 2 stars.   

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: The Cannibals and Zombies Collection (DVD) – Addison Binek is riffing a collection of movies again but these are not just any movies… They are zombie and cannibal movies! What makes this a unique rough ride is Addison takes you through some the lesser known, grittiest, maybe even crappiest off the wall flesh-eating hilarity you have ever witnessed. You’ll laugh, you will most likely cry over what Addison and you will sit through but it will be fun as I give this collection 4 stars as usual.

I Saw What You Did (DVD) – A 1965 film about a couple teenage girls crank calling people for fun as the parents are away. (Yes kids, this was a thing before everyone had a cell phone. Now yinz just call them “spam”.) Anyway as they are causing hijinks throughout the evening of calling several people they eventually cause a death of a woman whose husband Steve kills her in the shower when she sees if he would like to take the call. Just to keep the prank going the young duo calls Steve again to inform him “I saw what you did”. This sends Steve in a panic rage and eventually kills the neighbor woman he was having an affair with. Surprisingly a very harsh plot for 1965 unless you were watching a Hitchcock or a Hammer film in my opinion. Now Steve is on the prowl for the young lady who called his house as he must erase her also as I give the film 3 stars.    

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

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Gross Movie Reviews “Top Ten of 2020”

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Gross Movie Reviews “Top Ten of 2020”

 

1) VFW (On Demand) – For the love of John Carpenter thank you Joe Begos for making this idea exist! A new drug called “Hype” has hit the streets and screwing up people quicker than ever before. The drug is making zombies or “Hypers” out of people and tearing cities down. Boz is a drug lord who is about to have a huge deal go down and kills the wrong strung out girl as her sister Lizard takes it personally and steals his stash. Nowhere to run Lizard busts into an old VFW where some old vets are just having their daily drink, watch old videos of women exercising, and telling war stories. A couple of drugged out punks follow her in and that was a big mistake as they attack one of the vets. The old vets take care of the trash pretty quickly in a brutal way. This is where the chaos or war begins as the vets must defend the post and themselves from the onslaught of strung out punks because Boz wants his stash no matter what. This film is absolutely FUCKING AWESOME! The casting of Stephen Lang, Fred Williamson, William Sadler, George Wendt, Martin Kove, and David Patrick Kelly as the war vets is perfect. This is my new ‘Assault on Precinct 13’ as I give possibly 2020s best film of the year 4 stars all the way. I will be watching this flick at least once a year.

 

2) Bad CGI Sharks (DVD) – A brilliant story about two brothers Matthew and Jason who are very close in many ways as kids. As kids they wanted to make a shark movie like no other but eventually that dream was squished as their father considered Jason a lost cause. Many years later Mathew has grown up and living out in Hollywood! Mathew’s life is turned upside down when his older brother Jason shows up who just so happens to be a bum who still wants to make shark movies. After some fighting, smoking weed, and talking about their movie script with no ending they wrote as kids called, “Sharks Outta Water” a floating shark shows up! It first eats the neighbor but eventually it begins chasing the brothers. It seems a man with a magical clapper board as brought their childhood movie script to life and now they must deal with it in many hilarious ways. Don’t just rent, buy this fucking movie NOW! One of the most entertaining independent shark films ever made as I give this sure to be on the “Best of 2020 list” 4 out of 4 stars.

 

3) Peninsula (On Demand) – So we got a sequel to the wonderful zombie film ‘Train to Busan’, the film picks up four years later. Any bordering country has a blockade up and does not allow anyone to enter South Korea because of the viral outbreak. A former soldier like a lot of misplaced Koreans lives in Hong Kong and down on his luck. A shady dude he does things for gives the ex-soldier a mission of entering the zombie-infested peninsula for a truck that has 25 million U.S. dollars in the back of it safely waiting. If he retrieves it he is rich, if not he is most likely zombie food as the zombies still roam the area. Without spoiling too much I will describe the film has elements that cross between ‘Land of the Dead’ and ‘Escape from New York’ but keeps the heart of the first film. Wonderful zombie stuff again horror fans as this fast-paced sequel pleases me much so that there could be another entry into this series like ‘REC’?! I give the bad ass international zombie movie 4 stars all the way.

 

4) We Summon the Darkness (DVD) – Holy balls this film was fucking great! The film is set in Indiana, 1988 following three young ladies who are heading to a heavy metal concert. Along the way we keep hearing on the radio about some satanic murders sweeping the mid-west. The three metal goddesses reach the concert and meet three metalhead dudes and they all seem to get along. After the concert the boys are invited back to Alexis’ house or her father’s house to be precise. They start drinking and play a little game that gets a little risky. But things get a little weird as the boys pass out and awake inside a room full of bloody pentagrams and that is where the fun begins. The cast, story, effects, and the ending are a wonderful blast. I would like to tell you more about the film but I rather not ruin it for your viewing pleasures? Put it this way this film is another entry into my “Best of 2020 list” as I give it 4 stars.

 

5) Tromasterpiece Theatre Presents – Poutrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (DVD) – Addison Binek as the bored movie theater employee is back again with his two sidekicks to riff on the popular Troma musical “Poutrygeist”. A film that tackles the fast food industry that only Troma can only do where a chicken shack is built on top of an Indian graveyard and the spirits are upset and haunt the business. Leave it to Addison to riff on an already funny ass flick and make it that much better! Addison Binek is absolutely brilliant in his effort to riff on this popular Troma film. This latest project from the talented Mr. Binek makes me believe more than ever that he would make an excellent heir to the Troma Empire. Laugh, cry, and watch again the latest from the amazing Addison Binek as shame on you for not supporting this effort as I give it 4 out of 4 stars.

 

6) Spirit Animal (DVD) – Madeline Deering has made a love letter to The Polonia Brothers, Jon McBride, Todd Sheets, and I am sure a few others that could be mentioned from that bygone era of S.O.V. I easily could have seen myself finding this “we all thought lost 1993 S.O.V. film” in Incredibly Strange Video here in Pittsburgh, Pa.! About 1998, I was finding a lot of these S.O.V. movies from the late 80s and early 90s as independent filmmakers were already using digital video and abandoned the VHS camera. Oh what a time then but that is what makes this such an awesome and unique project as Maddie, Joe, and talented cast got a VHS camera and went into overdrive to get this dream project done. Our story begins at Camp Wannawilla many years ago where a camp counselor is speaking with kids around a campfire about “Spirit Animals”. One child takes exception to this as Aarav believes he can be all of them not just one. Of course the camp counselor meets a horrible death and the camp is closed down. Many years pass and we follow a group of friends to West Virginia on New Year’s Eve to the same Camp Wannawilla. They set up camp, tell the story, and a killer with many animal masks begins slaughtering not just the group but all who enter the woods this New Year’s Eve as a special moon is coming. The music is excellent, ending is fucking great, good editing, good cast, and Maddie puts this all together on a VHS camera, the true old school none of that gimmick shit you get with your fancy laptops and cameras these days! Independent fans rejoice and enjoy because this gets 4 out of 4 stars and will most likely show up on my “Best of 2020 list”.

 

7) The Unsung (YouTube) – The latest project from Churchill Pictures is a bit of a thriller with a bit of drama and intrigue added to the mix. We are introduced to Eric through his travels of the depressed areas of Pittsburgh and his childhood flashbacks that haunt him. One day catching a nap, the nap is interrupted by a man trying to hurt a young lady. Eric jumps into action and saves her. But being homeless also she takes off with Eric’s bag and he chases her down to a homeless community under a bridge. He is accepted into the community quickly. Meanwhile we are introduced to a very driven detective by the name of Jones who understands he now is trying to track down a serial killer and how all the victims are tied into each other in some way. Eric hearing a voice from a radio decides he must take action like his comic book hero that he keeps near to his heart. Eric and the detective cross paths and Eric is of course a ‘person of interest’ in the case but no matter what both men want to save the young lady after she is taken by this killer. I tried not to give too much away with the description just because I really like the story and it isn’t your usual crime drama/thriller. The film has a lot of heart that deserves to be watched and enjoyed. It stars Jared Bajoras, Richard Billock, and Amadeo Fusca which all three were perfect in their roles for this project. Help support this project folks as I give it 4 out 4 stars all the way!

 

8) Patchwork (Shudder) – Three women wake up to being stitched together on an exam table with a couple guys talking like this is an everyday thing after being kidnapped at a bar. The three stuck together in the same body must now work together to remember who did this and why? With a couple surprises and a twist along the way the three want their revenge and begin their search for answers with the bar they all remember. They also find love along the way. Think ‘Frankenhooker’ with ‘Re-animator’s’ dark humor and a splash of Peter Jackson and you have a beautiful masterpiece of a dark horror comedy that not enough good words could describe. I would love to say more about the plot but it may ruin some of the surprises throughout the film as I give this gift to the horror genre 4 stars.

 

9) Love and Monsters (On Demand) – This fun monster gem is a must see for all audiences as it takes place seven years after the “Monsterapocalypse”. There was an asteroid falling towards Earth. Of course all the governments hurl up all these missiles into space to destroy this rock before impact… it works. Problem is the fallout hitting earth causes all the animals and insects to mutate into large monsters that begin wiping out humanity and force people into underground bunkers. Seven years later Joel is a single bored early twenties dude who cannot help fight the monsters but can make a great minestrone but wants out of the isolation he feels. So he heads out on a mission to find his high school sweetheart Aimee at a bunker on the coast. Along the way he makes friends with Michael Rooker and an eight year old girl who have been living on the surface with the mutated things and teaches Joel some valuable lessons. Joel does find Aimee and there is more to the story but why spoil this amazing creature filled film that you need in your life! This film is sure to be a favorite of most in 2020 as I give 4 stars.

 

10) Becky (On Demand) – We have two parallel stories going on in this deliciously brutal film that centers on a young girl named Becky. First, Becky and her father are in disagreement as usual since her mother’s death. Now, it is being forced upon her that dad has found a new woman and wants to be a family. Second, we are introduced to a couple of inmates who are super Neo-Nazis that have escaped transport heading to this isolated home in the woods looking for a hidden key. After another argument Becky runs off into the woods shortly after the inmates come a knocking for some bad ass mean shit to go down. The Neo-Nazis find out that Becky has the key so they try to make a deal but Becky refuses after watching her father being killed. From there we go into a downward spiral into some brutal scenes of revenge as Becky fights back. We get a sick eye gouge that requires the eye being snipped off, a new way to use school pencils, and a little girl (Becky) getting heart punched! The film is just plain screwed up and I loved it as don’t be surprised this sneaks its way into my “2020 top ten” as I give it 4 stars.

 

Honorable mentions of 2020

 

Snatchers (On Demand) – A teenager named Sara who is trying to be popular with her friends has sex with the hot guy Skylar she was seeing a while back. Sara awakes the next day to her surprise to find herself nine months pregnant! Backstory is its 2012 and her boyfriend went to Mexico and messed with some kind of Mexican statue of a god with a big penis. Sara asks her ex-bestie Haley for help. They head to the free clinic only to destroy the doctor’s head with Sara’s “VAGE CANNON” (her words not mine) and the bad idea becomes worse as it is a weird creature that acts like a parasite to humans. It only gets worse from there for Sara as her and Haley find out there is a second monster inside her. After the police department is destroyed by the monster chasing down Sara and Haley, the two friends find Skylar’s computer and learn of his debacle in Mexico as the two come with a plan to destroy the parasites… hopefully. Great casting of the two best friends, cool creatures, hilarious story as this film could show up on my “Best of 2020 list” as I give 4 stars.

 

Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas (On Demand) – Holy Rutger Hauer, filmmaker Travis Irvine has earned my respect for not only making a killer raccoon movie. But he did it while doing a parody of ‘Under Siege 2: Dark Territory’! We normal lunatics smell our own… But really prisoner Ty Smallwood now named Casey has just got released from jail after serving ten years for underage drinking. He is jumping on a train to Washington D.C. to hang with his dead girlfriend’s sister to explain what happened on the camping trip several years ago? As Darlene wants answers Ranger Rick Danger takes over the train with his raccoon assassins so they can steal data to hold the U.S. hostage while they sell secrets to foreign powers just like the Steven Seagal less liked sequel. Travis and crew not only deliver the goods but I couldn’t stop laughing as film continued on with the Killer Raccoons being the focus throughout unless it was Casey Smallwood. The effort, the passion, and raccoons trained by the C.I.A. with mini machine guns made this the holiday comedy to watch in 2020 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Llamageddon (DVD) – This wonderful creation is about an alien llama that crash lands on Earth in a small community and begin its takeover! When the llama isn’t stomping a victim with its hooves it is killing people with its laser eyes. Yes, you heard me correctly people when its shoots lasers from its red eyes fireworks go off. The alien llama stumbles upon a house party of young people where it begins killing them one by one but also spits on one party goer to have him begin a transformation. This independent film has it all folks and I absolutely laughed my ass off as the alien llama tries to destroy us all! If that isn’t enough pay attention to their drinking game as the character Dan changes shirts in every scene (17 times if I counted correctly?) I cannot thank filmmaker Howie Dewin enough for giving us this amazing gem of cinema as I give it 4 stars all the way!

 

Psycho Ape! (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer 2020 has sucked a huge bag of dicks! But folks I believe we have been given the film we need to make it through this slow ass death they call a pandemic. It is a low budget film from the great minds of Addison Binek, Steve Albers, and Greg DeLiso whose passion for independent projects is off the scale! If you have heard me speak the name of Addison Binek then you know I feel this is one talented dude. For example: when I take over SyFy Channel or Full Moon he would my “second-in-charge” or if there was someone that I would trust with Lloyd’s legacy it would be Mr. Binek. Some will feel this film is senseless but some like me will enjoy this hilarious Troma throwback laughing their balls off several times throughout the feature. Let me tell you a little about this ‘Psycho Ape’ film. Supposedly 25 years ago this dude in a cheap ape costume (cough, cough) I mean murderous ape escapes The Detroit Zoo and comes upon an unsuspecting teenage slumber party. The killer ape goes bananas on the young ladies leaving only one survivor Nancy Banana. I personally was hoping it would be Hannah Banana for some reason because some kind of weird PornHub dream I had last night after watching the film but that is for a different conversation. Nancy Banana is thrown off course from her life dream of being the next Jane Goodall because this gorilla’s murder spree of her friends but 25 years later she gets to be friends with this crazed hairy killer. But if Dr. ZOOmis has anything to say about he will he won’t let another 25 years of tracking down this deadly ape and several deaths later from breaking up the relationship between Nancy and Psycho Ape. The movie is hilarious, complete chaos, and like a lost film never released from Troma in the mid-80s and for that I am happy to report this treat of a film deserves 3 ½ out of 4 stars. And take my word on this I can see this following the same path as the ‘Leprechaun’ series or maybe not?

 

Zombie House Party Massacre (YouTube) – Finally a no budget film that lives up to its name as zombies are just trying to live civil lives in their home. But damn young humans come to rush the house to party and have unprotected sex! The zombies stay quiet in the upstairs room until one of the party goers hear the baby and take it. The zombies just wanting their zombie baby back chase the humans throughout the home and call for help from their zombie friends. What makes it hilarious as they chase the humans around the home they make fun of themselves that they must act a certain way in order to stay scary. Otherwise they are no different than any of us until they finally had enough and start eating the humans to get the zombie baby back! The short film is absolutely wonderful and I could not stop laughing at the zombie jokes as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

In Search Of: Pittsburgh Bigfoot (Vimeo) – When you have no money, know a bunch of people who want to be actors, and your passionate about your project you get what filmmaker Luther Cosmo Ickes Jr. gets… a hilarious and entertaining independent movie about Bigfoot. Or is it Bigfoots? Don’t know that is always a conversation that gets started whenever I review a Bigfoot movie and plus this project has multiple Bigfoot/Bigfoots! Anyway three yinzers are interested in the latest Pennsylvania sightings of Bigfoot. They wait out for spring since the winters can be gawd damn cold around here n’at. So the three chums head to the woods for some camping, illegal or legal drug use depending how much now that Pa. has turned the corner on that stuff, and looking for evidence of Bigfoot. Oh these three are not the only yinzers looking for Bigfoot apparently the Devil is also according to the witch of the woods and a goat dude with a giant dong! Of course this spells hijinks for the yinzers in the woods as they get lost, screwed up on shrooms, and find themselves in a war between the Devil and the Bigfoots as Bigfoots hitch a ride to the burgh. Lou tries to bond and save these creatures but in the end we all know what happens when the church tries to get involved. The film has many flaws but that is the beauty of Luther’s film: it is a film you grab friends, a case of beer and enjoy its glory because it isn’t going to win an Oscar for the love of Rutger Hauer it’s a gawd damn Yinzer Bigfoot movie as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The Best Documentaries

 

1) Smoke and Mirrors: The Story of Tom Savini (Shudder) – Being a huge Savini fan since I was a kid this was huge. I remembered the really cool “Scream Greats” doc from Fango in the 80s so see his life story in full talked about it was a wonderful treat. With this documentary you get everything from his inspiration to the untimely death of his brother to why he did not go to L.A. with famous names we know. For me it also connected some stories I have always heard from filmmaker friends and artists and have read about in the past. Like him or dislike him I have always respected him because he was doing something that was completely amazing and without him I do not believe we have some of the cool talented make-up and effects people now. Horror fans if you didn’t like Savini before you will after this as you get finally get the full understanding and first complete look behind the curtain of Savini’s life. This gets 4 stars all the way as Savini will always be someone I have looked up too then and now.

 

2) Suck Fest (DVD) – BPO Films is at it again with their latest project which is a documentary or mockumentary (depending how you look at it) about the three talented fellows(Ben, Blake, and Ryan) taking a trip to a horror convention to promote their film “Slaughter Drive”. The film isn’t so much about the convention as much as it is about the three friends’ relationship as it breaks down quickly once they hit the road to the hotel and they lose luggage, stolen credit cards, stuff goes missing, too much coffee, not selling shit at the horror convention, and one of the three thinking they were going to kick each other in the balls to settle a dispute! The film isn’t just funny but a laugh a minute as these fellows show off even more of their comedic side in their documentary (sort of?) as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. THIS WILL BE AVAILABLE AT GROSSFEST 2020 first time ever. Go check out www.bpofilms.com and get to know this great group of independent filmmakers.

 

3) Direct To Video: Straight to Video Horror of the 90s (DVD) – An excellent documentary from filmmaker Dustin Ferguson who brings together an abundance of critics, actors, and filmmakers to discuss not just their films but how this whole genre got started in the 90s. They discuss their favorites and how Hollywood and media was changing at the times and yes Charles Band gets a lot of credit as I give this really cool documentary 4 stars.

 

Worst movie I watched of 2020

 

Necropolis: Legion (On Demand) – Being a Full Moon fan I was very surprised they were reviving or reimaging this lesser known Empire Pictures film from the 80s. With Chris Alexander involved I had some high hopes going in… The movie begins with huge naked boobied women celebrating Satan. Hundreds of years into the future a female author who writes about the ‘dark unknown’ stays at an old farmhouse for her next project. Accidentally cutting her foot and bleeding into the wooden floor she conjures the witch that killed the original farmhouse owner. Now Eva the evil witch haunts the young author. Sorry Chris as much as I respect you this project was bad. It was uneventful and really doesn’t hold a torch to the original which wasn’t something of an accomplished film. If this was a short film… 15 minutes, okay I can see but 60 minutes of agony of an author who wants to be Goth but really isn’t. Nope, next time pass on the project my friend. I do not think the actress was bad as I believe there was nothing to work with as I give this new Full Moon project 0 stars and that is being kind. Sorry Chris I still respect you but this was a bad decision.

 

(Only mentioning this one for Joe Bob Briggs fans to be warned far in advanced)

 

Hogzilla (Shudder) – Joe Bob or no Joe Bob this film was terrible and Joe Bob Briggs was correct to rip it during one of his recent shows that had Darcy show it. A news crew heads into the Florida woods (yep, you heard me) to do a story on a rampaging giant mutant hog. Save your time, your effort, and being angry you made yourself watch this and go watch ‘Razorback’ again? Or check out the recent ‘Boar’ with Nathan Jones as this flick was just complete hot garbage and should have stayed lost as I give the 2008 film 0 stars.

 

Most disappointing film of the year!

 

Hanukkah (DVD) – It opens up with a man on December 8, 1993 who has slaughtered people during the “Festival of Lights” or Hanukkah but never got to finish. 36 years go by and someone has decided to pick up the killing spree during the Jewish holiday. Some Jewish friends who are not exactly celebrating the Jewish holiday become the targets of this sadistic killer. ‘Hanukkah’ has a wonderful cast to kill for but this holiday horror film is such a misstep as it drags on too long and I was expecting more from the crew behind it. Also there are weird delays during dialogue and a few important scenes that don’t exactly make a lick of sense? Super disappointed with the film and another example of you can have an all-star cast but that doesn’t mean you’ll have an all-star movie as I give it a ½ star.

Gross Movie Reviews #515

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Gross Movie Reviews #515

Psycho Ape! (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer 2020 has sucked a huge bag of dicks! But folks I believe we have been given the film we need to make it through this slow ass death they call a pandemic. It is a low budget film from the great minds of Addison Binek, Steve Albers, and Greg DeLiso whose passion for independent projects is off the scale! If you have heard me speak the name of Addison Binek then you know I feel this is one talented dude. For example: when I take over SyFy Channel or Full Moon he would my “second-in-charge” or if there was someone that I would trust with Lloyd’s legacy it would be Mr. Binek. Some will feel this film is senseless but some like me will enjoy this hilarious Troma throwback laughing their balls off several times throughout the feature. Let me tell you a little about this ‘Psycho Ape’ film. Supposedly 25 years ago this dude in a cheap ape costume (cough, cough) I mean murderous ape escapes The Detroit Zoo and comes upon an unsuspecting teenage slumber party. The killer ape goes bananas on the young ladies leaving only one survivor Nancy Banana. I personally was hoping it would be Hannah Banana for some reason because some kind of weird PornHub dream I had last night after watching the film but that is for a different conversation. Nancy Banana is thrown off course from her life dream of being the next Jane Goodall because this gorilla’s murder spree of her friends but 25 years later she gets to be friends with this crazed hairy killer. But if Dr. ZOOmis has anything to say about he will he won’t let another 25 years of tracking down this deadly ape and several deaths later from breaking up the relationship between Nancy and Psycho Ape. The movie is hilarious, complete chaos, and like a lost film never released from Troma in the mid-80s and for that I am happy to report this treat of a film deserves 3 ½ out of 4 stars. And take my word on this I can see this following the same path as the ‘Leprechaun’ series or maybe not?

 

Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (DVD) – Many people also know it as ‘The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue’ but that doesn’t stop it from being a popular zombie flick among horror fans. George an antiques dealer heads out to the country to get away from people and industry for the weekend but that is thrown into chaos when a ditzy woman named Christina backs over his bike. Together the two head out to Christina’s sisters’ place. Things go bad when Christina cannot stop talking about the beast that came from her. The two arrive to find the sister in hysterics and the husband dead and cop only believes “the damn hippie”, George is capable of doing the dirty deed. Now the two must stick around for the investigation but after some of their own research George believes it is the ultra-sonic radioactive device being used experimentally to kill insects on a farm is the cause. Got some gore, got some unstoppable zombies, and we got a cop that always believes the hippie did it so I am in as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Youngblood (DVD) – A late 70s film that feels like a Blaxploitation at the beginning turns into a serious gang film halfway with a twist that will have everyone feeling bad when it’s over. A look into a 15 year old black teenager named Junior but nicknamed Youngblood who feels in order to fit he needs to join a gang. Mom doesn’t approve and Youngblood cannot live up to older brother’s success of becoming a respectable banker. But things take a dark twist when Youngblood’s gang fined one of their own dying from drugs in a bowling alley bathroom. Now Youngblood and the gang want revenge and it takes Youngblood down a path of sadness he wasn’t expecting as everything is as good as it seems. Give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Delirium (DVD) – So maybe it has been a few minutes since you were disgusted by a movie, a relative, or something on the news like politics? Well I give you this lesser known creepy Eye-talian film where an artist’s old butler starts bumping uglies with his dead wife and doesn’t fire him let alone stab him in the freaking testicles. Nope we get this sleazy ass artist and his disgusting butler to dig up his dead wife a year later for inspiration. When that doesn’t work the way the artist wants he goes meet a doppelganger of his wife that only makes the movie weirder if that was even possible? I give this off the charts sleaze 2 ½ stars just for making me wondering what the hell was gonna happen next…

The Night of the Hunter (DVD) – Robert Mitchum proves in 1955 you can play one evil son of a bitch that comes off crazy but yet so brilliant and unmatched. Mitchum is Harry Powell, supposedly a preacher who is doing 30 days in jail with a man named Ben who just got life for robbery and shooting a couple innocent folks. Ben hid the $10,000 with his two young kids. Harry tries to get it out of him before his execution but fails. Backup plan Powell heads to Ben’s home once released and sleaze his ass in the door with the struggling single mom of two to learn of the whereabouts of the money. When the kids are not cooperating Powell gets mean and sadistic and his mean streak has no end. Powell chases the children down river into another home only be blocked by a stubborn older woman who takes orphans in. For 1955 it might not sound like much but I dare you to watch Robert Mitchum put on a performance of an evil human scumbag and not be impressed as I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

The Night of the Hunter (DVD/remake) – In 1991 TV decided the movie needed updated not understanding two things: first, this story just doesn’t work in present day (1991) as the original was set during the depression. Second, Richard Chamberlain is a great choice for a movie like this but the role was already done perfectly by Robert Mitchum which made me get real bored when viewing this remake. I gave it a legit try but sorry if you see the original first there really isn’t anyway to improve as I give this remake 1 star.

 

Artic Predator (DVD) – Apparently I missed a SyFy Channel feature about a decade ago that stars Dean Cain in a bootleg of a bootleg of a bootleg version of John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’. Dean Cain must defend himself and others against an alien made of gas from one of Jupiter’s rings that his team unearthed exploring for lost ships in the Artic. Dumb…? Maybe, but you know I wasn’t passing it up with a title like that as I give it 1 star.

 

Night Monster (DVD) – An early 40s Universal film about a handicapped man who has invited doctors to his creepy ass mansion that oh yeah has Bela Lugosi as the butler! Little the doctors know is that the man blames them for his condition and has planned for their arrival as death is happening inside the mansion and outside and nowhere to escape. Cheesy and a little dull at times but explanation at the end of the film makes it a well worth watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made (DVD) – A mockumentary of sorts as its set up is producers, convention promoters, etc. being interviewed about this lost film from 1979 that is rumored to kill anyone that has viewed it. The film was sent to several festivals but after all the unfortunate events ‘Antrum’ becomes banned, lost, cursed, but disappeared until now. After this introduction we get the film about a kid who cannot deal with the death of his dog and his mom told him the pet went to hell. So to help get over it his older sister takes the kid to the middle of the forest to dig a hole to hell. Well guess what shit goes wrong and gets weird! Because once you begin your journey into the five layers of hell there is no coming back. I enjoyed the concept and know I will catch flack for this but felt disappointed in the end. The film is far from terrible but for me at least I just don’t think it was executed well as I give it 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !

Cannibal Hookers review

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Cannibal Hookers (Vimeo/Remake) – So the independent icon Donald Farmer is back with his latest project and it is a remake of his 1987 independent cult classic ‘Cannibal Hookers’. Carmilla is a beautiful all powerful woman that sleeps in a casket for no other reason than she is the leader and her blood gives cannibal immortality to other young ladies or in this case “hookers”. We get several scenes of the cannibal hookers eating their clients or johns (one of them being the famous Addison Binek) until they come across Kristen. They take interest in her and bring Kristen into the group. But with bringing her into the group she has baggage like a crazy, shouting priest Kristen ran away from. On top of that we have a bounty hunter searching every dark place she can looking for the cannibal hookers to kill them. The feature is fun, a little sleazy, and of course knowing the icon Donald Farmer is still going strong. But what didn’t help the film is the filler or cannibals at the bootleg Chucky Cheese place, the quick kill of the crazy priest, and the use or lack of “the bounty hunter”. Overall I believe I am a bigger fan of ‘Shark Exorcist’ but this remake did give the line of the year “We are sisters with benefits” and for that I give the entertaining flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.  

Looking for a filmmaker to get behind? I have one for you!

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Roastmasterpiece Theatre: “Cannibals” and “The Killer Eye”

“Roastmasterpiece Theatre”: Episodes 1 and 2

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/addisonbinek/roastmasterpiece-theatre-cannibals-and-the-killer-eye?fbclid=IwAR1labif67zAqQKJ2U-ssdnOfD0jXjq76z5sGGo-6T2InXYXwepksd86Rn8

 

Addison Binek

Gross Movie Reviews #482

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Gross Movie Reviews #482

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (DVD) – Even the flick is released in 2014 under the Troma label it is set in 2007 on Columbus Day weekend. Lloyd and others had nothing to do with this film other than picking it up for distribution so don’t get all crazy if and when I do not like the flick. On this so-called holiday weekend a group of women go into the Everglades to party hardy! Only one of them made it out to tell the story and this is her story. Supposedly every few years weird shit happens around Columbus Day in the Everglades and that didn’t stop these college girls looking for a good time. Supposedly it is haunted by a Seminole spirit who has a few things: a cage for his captured white woman, a trailer for him to hang out at and his dead wife, a ham sandwich for his white woman, and a boat to ride across the swamps. Okay now saying this out loud I believe this film is hilariously awesome in such a bad way as you should only watch with friends. Honestly I was expecting more boobs but I will forgive yinz as just writing this review made me laugh as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Naked Massacre (DVD) – Right out of the gate in this flick we are introduced to violence as a Vietnam vet sits and witnesses first hand a church bombing in Belfast. Supposedly a couple sources claim this film was based on the Richard Speck murders? It’s 1975ish and this US vet is wandering the streets of Belfast until he walks past a house full of nurses. This soon becomes his obsession as he watches day and night until his opportune time to make his move inside claiming he just wants money to get home? But quickly after the women are bound it becomes clear this vet is here to slowly torture and rape these innocent nurses. A pretty fucked up movie that I am surprised more the horror community hasn’t stumbled upon and made a bigger deal out of it as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Exterminators of the Year 3000 (Blu-ray) – I will be honest I thought I watched or tracked all the Eye-talian, Spanish, Canadian, etc. post-apocalyptic flicks I could find last year… Well I missed one and this was some good post-apocalyptic fun! A lone stranger only known as Alien wanders the Wasteland to come across a kid who wants to help his village get water. The world of course has turned into a desert a kid Timmy believes he is the last hope since his father didn’t come back. He hitches a ride with a group of villagers who must travel a horrible road of 180 miles that has crazy ass bikers led by a bad bootleg Vernon Wells. The bikers kill the group but know the water’s location now. Timmy is picked up along the way by Alien only to be sold out to the biker gang and have robotic arm ripped out. Nothing here to explain Alien is just like, “I know an old guy that can fix that”. So while Timmy gets fixed up, Alien with his sidewhore oh I mean ‘Trash’ go get the water. Of course Alien wants it for himself to sell to the highest bidder but has a change of mind when he takes on the crazed bikers by himself in his steel plated car called “The Exterminator”. Not much plot wise but still a lot of fun especially when they all just totally get why the kid is a cyborg or something as I give this gem 2 ½ stars.

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: Troma Edition (DVD) – Most likely Troma’s biggest fan Addison Binek known for his riffs on so many movies decided to put together a collection of Troma riffs. Now Addison being a smart dude didn’t just go for any Troma titles he went for the second tier! Maybe the lesser known to some to maybe open some eyes new to the Troma or Addison Binek world. Here is the list he tackles: Rabid Grannies, Hectic Knife, B.C. Butcher, Troma’s War, Getting Lucky, Redneck Zombies, Slaughter Party, and Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods. Now not all titles were from the minds of Lloyd and Mr. Herz but some brilliant pick-ups for the label a fun selection that makes you wonder where Addison gets all that Troma money for the props. And instead of condemning something of this nature Lloyd embraces Addison’s fandom and intelligence to put together a great product for all of us movie lovers to enjoy as once again I give his project 4 stars.

 

Serial Killer Massacre (DVD) – A 1997 title that you may have not heard much about as it was released to DVD as “Dying to Meet You”. A poorly written S.O.V. flick about two sadistic killers who find love with each other after trying to murder each other. When that doesn’t go well they decide, “Let’s Fuck”… Because nothing says lead up to bumping uglies like some bad wrestling on a floor with knives. The idea wasn’t a bad one just everything else was bad about it. If you just wanna film some mock film but two sadistic real-life lovers I am sure there is a category on PornHub for you? With a little direction, a little tweak in script, and not spending over 50 minutes on the dude alone in the film even before you hint the couple will be a couple and there could have been movie magic. Instead we get what looks like a bad attempt at a soft-core porn video that was just meant for them and none of us to see and that may have been for the better as I give it 0 stars.

 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (On Demand) – It has been five years since the giant radioactive lizard had shown up in San Francisco and of course us humans suck huge ball sack! Now the monsters are being released one by one to possibly keep Earth in balance until it is learned Ghidorah is not of this Earth and may be here to actually form it into his own. Which means Godzilla is here to save the humans… maybe. It is an absolute fun giant rubber monster flick that gets you very excited for Kong’s return. Yeah at times it seems the actors get in the way of the story but they are there to keep the story moving and who doesn’t love Charles Dance aka Brother Nupsie as the villain. Honestly not a lot can be said other than if you like the past giant rubber monster movies then you will enjoy this if not most likely you will never understand it as I give the film 3 ½ stars, now bring me Kong.

 

Killersaurus (DVD) – A UK flick that does their own bootleg generic version of “Carnosaur” where some research scientists literally will a dinosaur into existence with a 3-D printer! I don’t know if I should laugh my ball bag off or just be disappointed it took this long for this idea to be put to screen? With such an awesome beginning premise for a film it soon turned into a stale turd as people just keep talking about the dinosaur behind the door. And once seen it’s in horrible red light to hide the bad effects and it doesn’t eat everybody… For the love of Rutger Hauer I wanted a cheap dinosaur rampage movie instead got something that was a poor excuse for a film and Dollar General I want my two bucks back as I give it 0 stars.

 

Zombie Tidal Wave (SyFy Channel/DVD) – So Ian Ziering won’t go away but that isn’t such a bad thing when it comes to cheap weirdo shark and zombie films that show up on SyFy Channel once a year. Ziering is a lifelong seaman who encounters a blue weirdo out at sea that has just bitten one of his friends. Rushing back inland for help apparently this odd blue light out at sea starts off a zombie apocalypse that is brought in by a tidal wave onto a small town in Thailand I believe? Anyway next thing you know a bunch of random zombies and blue zombies begin chomping their way through the populace. The film has its moments of cheese but just for old 80s creature movie sake (Humanoids from the Deep) I had hopes of them explaining or doing a little more buildup of the pharmacy crap that supposedly went down in 1985 story wise? Anyway: blue zombies, Ian Ziering, an electrified knife, all this 2 star movie was missing was hot mess of a woman Tara Reid’s jacked up boob!

Slaughterhouse Massacre (DVD) – This odd low budget horror film that I guess could be classified as a slasher was a little bit of a surprise. Wasn’t expecting much but of course had massacre in the title so I needed to watch it. Anyway a group of friends leave Dallas College onto a party where this group learns of an urban legend “Marty Sickle”. Supposedly Marty lived in a local slaughterhouse and was accused of murder but the charges could not stick. So some of the locals took upon themselves to serve justice… it was like an alternate version of “Pledge Night”? So the four college kids head to the slaughterhouse to pussyfoot around and BINGO! They disturb Marty Sickle who really wasn’t dead and pissed enough he starts hacking the four to bits. This is one those enjoyable gory Indy flicks that make you glad it exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #480

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Gross Movie Reviews #480

 

Valet Girls (On Demand) – Thanks to my good friend from across the pond James Peter Cox, he help me find this lost Empire Pictures flick that Charles Band has yet to abuse recently. It has cameos from former porn stars Ron Jeremy and Barbara Dare! For the most part this sex comedy that is more about comedy than sex is about Lucy and Rosalind and their misadventures as “Valet Girls” in Hollywood. All they want is to be famous but have to deal with dickholes Dirk Zebra and his sexual harassment antics. These young ladies are just trying to make it in the rock-n-roll business but in the meantime dress slutty for their job of parking cars. Most of this B-grade sex comedy takes place at a mansion that is basically supposed to be the Playboy mansion. But the girls get them all back when they are able to get the press in to see the underbelly of business in Hollywood. It is nowhere near as fun as “Hardbodies” but well adding that notch in your belt of 80s sex comedies that need to be seen as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blink of an Eye (DVD) – Arie Lombardozzi goes with a subtle statement short film that I believe can be taken in several ways depending what frame of mind you are in watching it? And that is a good thing in my book when reviewing independent stuff. A typical family of four is going through the routine of life. They are convincing themselves they are they are living a dream, meanwhile death is watching nearby creeping closer and closer. I enjoyed a couple things about this: first, everyone is faceless including the well-shot scene or scenes in the car dealership… Bravo my friend! And second, I believe you could watch this several times and have a different opinion each time of what is being portrayed. So for that Arie I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.deathdealerproductions.com .

Closing Time (DVD) – Well for the love of Rutger Hauer… Jim Roberts went and did it again as he made a wonderful independent horror film again and possibly the most serious to date. But don’t let that scare you off this mixture of paranormal, gangster, western, splatter film… Yeah that is the best way to describe this fun feature. A young man named Eddy just receives news his father died in an accident that was possibly caused by another young man Steve whose father owed money to Eddy’s father. Eddy not taking kindly to this and waiting for his father to get cold in the ground decides it is time to collect and get revenge with a little help from some friends. Eddy’s brutal take down of Steve’s western store goes well at first until the Native American spirits decide to pick sides and turn this revenge flick into full on splatter flick! The spirits want blood and sure get it as they fuck up Eddy and his cohorts. Jim Roberts is an amazing filmmaker the world has yet known but be prepared because if he keeps making wonderful entertaining horror films like this Hollywood will be calling as I give 3 out of 4 stars. Once again Jim proves he needs little money and some help from his dedicated friends to pull off a horror film that is more interesting than 99% of the shit you watch in 2019… Thank me later after you buy it!

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 1 (DVD) – Okay if you haven’t heard of Addison Binek it is time you do. This dude does riff trax for flicks, all kinds of flicks and even got Lloyd Kaufmann’s blessing. In the same vein as MST3K but he does it in like 20 minutes or so for each flick. With his YouTube channel under attack by YouTube as many others are Addison has decided to put out DVD collections of some of his best Riffs and damn it they are hilarious. In this collection Addison covers: Sharktopus, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Snow Shark, Sharks in Venice, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Super Shark, Raiders of the Lost Shark, Psycho Shark, The Last Shark, and Creature from the Haunted Sea. He does these films in some of the most prop filled and hatred towards SyFy Channel I have ever seen… And I laughed my ass off! Mr. Binek doesn’t take them too serious but his hatred at times is his love for cinema just coming through and telling the truth that people don’t wanna hear. Addison is absolutely brilliant and hilarious and gave some awesome quotes like “Bloody shark hand stigmata” and “Oh, a found footage movie from the future, GREAT!” If you need a laugh and wanna hear what we all been thinking when watching these flicks then do yourself a favor with this 4 stars entertainment all the way.

 

Shark Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon Vol. 2 (DVD) – Addison Binek is back riffing on aquatic animal movies to my liking and less angry and just accepts how bad some of these are. This time around Mr. Binek almost makes me piss myself laughing when he tackles: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Sharkansas Women’s Prison, Piranha 3DD, Shark Exorcist, and Blood Beach. Yeah there is still a little SyFy Channel bashing but we do get a great line like “Are those giant balls?” Instead of anger we get Addison just enjoying what these movies are and that is they are just bad which for me is a good thing as I give this collection 4 stars again all the way!

 

The Hornet’s Disciple and the Scars She Left (DVD) – There is some talented independent filmmakers out there and then there is Dustin Mills. The man is constantly working and never doing the same thing horror wise. He is always trying to stretch the genre in so many ways to his vision. This film is no exception… For me a very hard watch as it’s not my usual cup of tea as it is in the vein of “A Serbian Film” or “August Underground”. This isn’t good or bad as Dustin is constantly trying to do something different constantly and I believe he is succeeding. The story revolves around a young lady Rose whose puts out ads looking for other young ladies who are into fetishes, pictures, videos, bondage, etc. Rose is looking for new sexual content for her website and is constantly upfront about what she wants. Everything is hunky dory with her newest actress/project Finley until Finley comes to the understanding what is actually happening and just hopes to get out alive! Rose abuses Finley until she comes to the revelation there has to be one that gets away? Is it possible if we look deeper into this content that it’s about a young lady like most today under the age of 30 are desensitized to everything now? Or is it just about a ruthless, sadistic, brutal woman who likes abuse in some way? Not totally sure but I do know this is a hard watch but give credit to Roni Jonah for being amazing in her role as Rose as I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. Again the film is not my cup of tea but I and Dustin know there is always an audience for this.

 

Machete Joe (DVD) – Well this low budget flick started off great and then quickly went into the pooper. The film is about a couple of filmmakers who have two different visions on what the low budget film they are filming is about. But of course they casted it and are filming at a haunted castle (supposedly) with not a full script called, “Machete Man”. Once everyone is there slowly the crew is being picked off. The film tries to be a ‘Who Dun it?’ kinda of flick but if you make it to the end you don’t really care as I give this bad movie 1 star.

 

Toilet Gator (YouTube) – “When you see the brown eye someone will die!” Yep the filmmaker tells you this before the movie gets started and it spends twenty minutes of the 60 minute film introducing the characters in a New York City apartment building. The toilet gator becomes a reality when famous child star Johnny Beaver flushes a pet alligator down the toilet before his mom knows he spent 500 bucks on it. Two weeks later it jumps out of someone’s toilet and attacks. Oh believe me it is worse than you can ever believe but leave it to me to sit back and find some weird enjoyment of this mid-90s Indy film no one heard of.  This was horribly bad until we get a dude fighting the toilet gator with a plunger and for that I give it a ½ star.

 

The Osterman Weekend (DVD) – This 1983 film stars Rutger Hauer and just about everybody else you can think of. Rutger Hauer is a TV personality named Tanner who looks to expose things politically for the people on live TV by interviewing government persons when possible. The CIA comes to believe that all of Tanner’s friends from Berkley are helping the Russians and plotting something big. They use an agent to help Tanner to turn his yearly retreat with his friends into a possible turning a friend into a spy against the Russians. Everything of course is for U.S. security but as the weekend goes along Tanner becomes more upset as his friends become unglued and the real reasons of their meetings are revealed. A very interesting film on privacy, government, and a few other things that are in the news now over 36 years later more than ever. For that folks I give this wonderful spy movie 3 ½ stars.

 

Alley Cat (DVD) – A wonderful B-movie action flick where a young lady (Billie) has had enough after her grandparents have been mugged. She tries to do it the right through the court system but gets in trouble for helping a rape victim and decides it is time to use her karate moves to jack up some dumb ass loser dudes that keep causing chaos in her life. We get everything to Billie fighting cops to her setting up her own rules in women’s prison until she can get out and kick ass! Fun B-movie stuff that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Three-way dance baby at The Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast!

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This week we welcome ADDISON BINEK of TROMASTERPIECE THEATER and MOVIES TO WATCH ON A RAINY SUNDAY on YOUTUBE on the show to talk about seemingly everyone’s new horror jam IT. Tim talks about a coming of age werewolf flick GINGER SNAPS.  And KYLE talks Satan, apartments, and the gates of hell in THE SENTINEL.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

This week we have GARY HILL tagging along and talking about KINGSMEN 2:  THE GOLDEN CIRCLE.  Tim talks about a classic slasher starring one of our dudes Peter Spellos in Sorority house massacre 2.  And Kyle talks about one of the most discussed flicks in history in BLADE RUNNER.  We also talk our weekly rundown of what we watched, How Tim got fired from a podcast, and we answer all your crazy questions.  So download this show to give us more life, FUCKER!!!

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This week Tim returns from our favorite place on planet Earth CINEMA WASTELAND with tales of insanity, drinking, and French Canadian Spookies.  We also talk about a 5 star American classic FIRST BLOOD.  And Tim visits one of those 8 films to die for in NIGHTMARE MAN.  We also have all the other fine ramblings that have brought us ZERO RONDO AWARDS!!!!!

 

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #403

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Gross Movie Reviews #403

 

Asylum of Darkness (Vimeo/VOD) – We have a film about a lone man named Dwight who questions if he is insane, if things are real, etc.? All Dwight knows he must get out of the asylum and back into the real world because he believes he is not insane. The time comes, Dwight breaks out and tries run away from his craziness… maybe. But witnessing a car accident and helping the driver inside Dwight takes over a man’s life (Art Finsch). On the inside its Dwight, on the outside it is a man named Art: author, womanizer, crappy marriage. Dwight measuring up or just trying to gauge his situation decides to try and fix the marriage and just enjoy his second chance at life. But whatever to the beautiful woman that visited him in the asylum, who is weird white-haired man following him, and what happened to the real Art Finsch? The movie can become a little confusing at times, feel a little long (close to 2 hours), but with the casting of genre vets Tiffany Shepis and Tim Thomerson in supporting but important roles the film can be quite interesting. Once the film ends you still question who is who or what happened or if it did? But it is one of those weirdo films that you should keep in the back of your mind when looking for something different to watch than a straight up horror flick. I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

District B13 – A kind of futuristic/post-apocalyptic film that involves a fitness craze of par-core (I think, remember my only exercise is drinking beer and watching weird flicks like this…) and martial arts and putting ‘Escape from New York” into 2010 Paris. Understand the film was made in 2005 and there is a sequel if you like this flick? A wall has been built around the ghettos of Paris to keep the gangs walled off from Paris and the police just hang there until they are given orders to leave before the government decides to wipe the area clean innocent people or not. Leito is just a bad ass dude who protects his sister inside ghetto B13 and throws drugs away from a gang that harasses him. Leito tries to do the right thing and the police do not care. Now Leito is in jail, the rival gang has his sister, and there just so happens to be a bomb in the middle of the ghetto that is going to kill everyone. So some elite officer Damien breaks out Leito for help to stop the “Clean Bomb”. The movie reminds of those direct-to-video movies and sequels to ‘American Ninja’ and ‘Kickboxer’ that came out in the early 90s. I give the movie 2 ½ stars.

 

Strip Club Massacre (Vimeo/DVD) – Megan is having a bad life right now. All in one day the beautiful Megan loses her job, her boyfriend to her rich roommate, and her place of living. Forced out she heads to Georgia to an old best friend’s place until she can get on her feet again. Once there her best friend’s boyfriend hooks her up with a waitress job at his strip club. Megan is warned the club is not your usual strip club and Megan is warned not to cross the main stripper “Jazz” played by Erin Brown aka Misty Mundae. Megan ignores and begins her job and just tries to make enough money to go back to school. Some weird things go down but Megan tries to push on. Megan gets invited to a employee only party and proceeds to be drugged and raped! Megan has had enough and goes on a murderous rampage in the strip club. Simple, bloody, lots of boobs, and the movie shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I give this flick 1 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.braindamagefilms.com .

 

Miles Before Sleep (DVD) – Friends are taking a trip to the beach and they have problems just like normal people: who’s pregnant? Who’s the baby daddy? Why did we take the one friend that wants to see Kayne in concert? The friends are traveling through West Virginia and of course their car has a gas leak causing them to be stranded. The friends figure they better find some shelter for the night before some ‘Wrong Turn’ shit goes down. They find a nice dude and his girl in the middle of the woods that is basically living off the grid and keep to themselves. It is a simple life but at least they are not raping their sister… until you meet the relatives that were hunting or just raping their sister as usual. So the friends soon become part of dinner and must fight to escape because they are city folk! And city folk are sinners of course! I give the entertaining no budget flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find the flick from Michael Taylor Pritt at www.funtimeproductionz.com .

Are We the Waiting (DVD) – Apparently the draft have been reinstated and this unemployed all around good dude Chance has been drafted and ships out next week. Instead of going to fight for his country Chance and his girlfriend are going to run off to Canada to disappear but have one last party with friends. The friends get to the house for their online gaming party but things quickly change when decide to try a different gaming website that shows the party a severed arm. They all try to shut down and get some drinks only to find horrible crap in the freezer. From there it escalates when a brightly masked person has shown up and tries to kill them off one by one. Michael Taylor Pritt and crew are passionate about their work but haven’t hit that stride just yet. Meaning I may have not been impressed with this movie but know their best is still to come which is good for all fans of their work as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars. You can this at www.funtimeproductionz.com .

 

Legend of the Drunken Master (DVD) – Probably one of the more famous of the Jackie Chan flicks is this feature about a man that knows “drunken boxing”. But this show of martial arts is frowned upon by most in the Asian communities because the person or persons are usually complete drunks and bring shame to their families. But Chan’s character swears off the art of fighting when his father kicks him out but eventually becomes involved a company man who is looking for an artifact that will fetch him lots of money but is mistakenly switched for ginseng which were in the same box. More than anything this film shows off Jackie Chan’s talent and knack of what was to come and show American audiences something they have never seen. I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon (DVD/YouTube) – A collection of YouTube videos from Addison Binek who takes it upon himself to show movies “MST3K”-style and in fast forward or highlights. But Mr. Binek does it with his own unique style that keeps it entertaining but yet not fake which for me always makes it entertaining. Mr. Binek the host tackles films such as: “Hectic Knife, Cannibal Claus, Slaughter Claus, The Giant Claw, Blood Orgy of the She-Devils, Rabid Grannies, Hot to Trot, Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Clever”. So this DVD tackles all the good and bad, mostly bad of these films. I enjoyed his humor and comments on Full Moon. If that isn’t enough pay attention to things in the background like the “Vibrator Christmas Tree” or Addison Binek in a horse mask committing suicide for watching ‘Hot to Trot’. Fun stuff for the You Tube fans as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. Become a fan at: https://www.youtube.com/user/JABproducts

 

Evils of the Night (Blu-ray) – College-aged kids are at the beach to party and have lots of sex until some of them go missing. Some aliens have visited Earth as old people who are tracking down young good looking people between the ages of 16-24 to get their blood. They need it to survive. But in between all the sex some of the kids have become concerned and try to find out what is happening to their friends? Running for their lives or just being harassed by a couple old mechanics the movie doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But it’s the 80s, the film stars Julie Newmar, John Carradine, Amber Lynn, we have the millennium falcon on the poster, the film was called “Demon’s Blood” at one point, and some people believe this film was started as a porno? For that I am thankful I track this film down. The new Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray is packed with all kinds of cool extras including the alternate feature-length TV edit version of the film! I give the film 2 stars.

 

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You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

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