Gross Movie Reviews #354
By Tim Gross
Thor the Conqueror (DVD) – If there was a B-movie version of Conan this wouldn’t be it as it could only wish it was a B-movie. But leave it to the Eye-talians to make an oddity fantasy film that has a baby get shot with an arrow in the first five minutes! Then only to be rescued by a pervy wizard dude that narrates the whole fucking movie. And just for a little more flavoring there are cannibals… sort of, and weird boobs. I give this C-grade homage to Conan 1 ½ stars.
Rollerblade (VHS/DVD-R) – Oh I knew I was in for a treat when I see the New World Video aka New World Pictures logo come up. And if that wasn’t enough for me while watching the flick found out it is the prequel to “Rollerblade Warriors” which kinda explains the beginning now. Apparently the same dude that made these lesser known gems also made “Hell Comes to Frogtown” and its sequel!!! Its 1986 and the film takes place in the ‘City of Lost Angels’ during ‘The Second Dark Age’. An evil puppet dude controlled by some big masked mutation (Dr. Saticoy) wants the power core crystal thingy to take over the world. Problem some weird roller skating nuns protect the crystal and they are not too keen on letting any weirdo into their club so Dr. Saticoy makes a deal with one of his blade-wielding minions to go undercover. And somewhere in the middle Michelle Bauer shows up… naked… in a hot tub of course. Its 1986, what movie wasn’t Mrs. Bauer in? Anyhow it’s fun garbage and happy to find out “Rollerblade Warriors” is a sequel. So for that I give it 2 stars.
The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence (On Demand) – I thought the first two films were brilliant by Tom Six but this flick is more for the people that just want the centipede saga to continue. For me it was kinda of a disappointment. But honestly I do not think there was anywhere else you could have gone with this series? But anyway we have that wicked evil doctor dude from the first flick playing an over the top warden of a maximum prison along with his accountant/assistant, the creepy security dude from the second film that thought “Human Centipede” was real. For an added bonus we have Bree Olsen (secretary), Eric Roberts (governor), Tony ‘Tiny’ Lister (a prisoner), and Tom Six as himself, along with a few other names that escape my mind now. The warden has lost his god damn mind and sings and dances his way to cutting a prisoner’s balls off to eat them because the governor is going to fire him because of his inability to run a prison. After watching the “Human Centipede” movies the warden decides with help of his accountant/assistant to have a ‘prison centipede’ constructed so it dissuades people from committing crimes and save money. And to make Tom Six’s dream come true as he still believes it is medically possible. I might have not liked the movie as much as the other two flicks but Eric Roberts was freaking great and it was cool seeing Bree Olsen. I give the film 2 stars.
Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (DVD) – Gretel and her boyfriend try some new weed called ‘Black Forest’ and apparently it’s from an old lady in Pasadena. This weed is amazingly better than the usually street stuff. Her brother does not par take in the weed smoking but becomes concern when Gretel’s boyfriend disappears when he goes to get more weed from the old lady who is played by Lara Flynn Boyle. Soon boyfriends, drug dealers, and meter men go missing in the neighborhood? The film was pleasantly funny and actually pretty good as I was expecting a shitty remake of “Half-Baked” smashed together with “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”. I give the flick 2 ½ stars. And I have to mention Yancy Butler makes a weird appearance as a police officer that really doesn’t have much to do with the storyline.
Roboshark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Lame movie at times but give them kudos for trying something different and playing on the society being on social media 24/7 these days. But anyway alien lifeform lands in the ocean and turns a great white into a crazy robot shark kinda of looks like crude “MechaGodzilla” at a few angles. It goes around fucking shit up until a teenager is being followed on Twitter by ‘Roboshark’ and finds out he wants to phone home. I don’t make this shit up folks it is just people come and steal my weird ass dreams and thoughts out of my head at night. I give it 1 ½ stars.
Scream Machine (DVD/Vimeo) – An independent anthology hosted by a horror host named Dr. Fry and his ‘Head’ that have five tales for anybody left that has survived a viral outbreak. The stories are Sledgehammer, Cannibal Pen Pals (which I enjoyed the most but laughed because it is supposed to be ‘Anywhere’ 1993 and the main character is driving a car newer than what I have… And while driving you can see all the other cars in the background made after 1993), April Fools Party, Drugs & Pranks Don’t Mix, Septic Shock (which was also kinda interesting and wouldn’t mind seeing fleshed out a little more into its own longer short film), and The Deadly Indie Drive-in. Fun stuff that reminds me of the early 90s independent films from the Polonia Brothers. The movie package has lots of heart and passion but needs more true actors than friends for this type of venture. I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars and can be purchased at: http://www.amazon.com/Scream-Machine-Tara-Carlton/dp/B00YAZND50/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1437243765&sr=1-1&keywords=scream+machine&pebp=1437243767166&perid=0BSHPV155JQHCKADG0QK
Spider Labyrinth (DVD) – A 1988 Eye-talian thriller about a Professor Whitmore who is sent to Budapest to check in with a Professor Roth to bring back his research on Project Intextus. Several professors from all over the world are in on this project but for some reason Roth is refusing to respond to any of Whitmore’s calls or mail. It involves all languages and ancient languages. Well Roth may have found an ancient culture that still exists where people believe in demons still. Very weird, very Eye-talian, and ends with a weird creature baby that turns into a spider to crawl into Whitmore’s arm to take over his soul! I give it 2 stars.
Hellgate (DVD) – Another 1989 New World Pictures release which should be a beautiful gem but is a gooey mess of a B-horror movie trying to scrap the bottom of the barrel called “80s horror”. An urban legend about a woman who walks the road to the old ghost town Hellgate at night and if you follow her you will die. Mainly because you are stupid but the woman’s dad has some kind of weird growth on the side of his face and likes to shoot people with a blue crystal that was found in a cave in the 50s. It is a cheesy but entertaining horror film but definitely has its issues and you can tell everyone was mostly just clocking in and out on this flick. But it has its share of cool classic cars, gooey monsters, and the dad looks like he was an extra from Charles Band’s “Mutant Hunt” or the B-classic “Robo Vampire”. I give it 2 stars.
Mega Shark vs Kolossus (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Mega Shark had offspring and the Russians have a doomsday project that has been awaken and both are on a collision course to fight… enough said unless Tara Reid or Deborah Gibson show up but they didn’t. That’s for the A-list SyFy Channel shark films. I give it 1 ½ stars.
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