Gross Movie Reviews #354

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Gross Movie Reviews #354

 

By Tim Gross

 

Thor the Conqueror (DVD) – If there was a B-movie version of Conan this wouldn’t be it as it could only wish it was a B-movie. But leave it to the Eye-talians to make an oddity fantasy film that has a baby get shot with an arrow in the first five minutes! Then only to be rescued by a pervy wizard dude that narrates the whole fucking movie. And just for a little more flavoring there are cannibals… sort of, and weird boobs. I give this C-grade homage to Conan 1 ½ stars.

 

Rollerblade (VHS/DVD-R) – Oh I knew I was in for a treat when I see the New World Video aka New World Pictures logo come up. And if that wasn’t enough for me while watching the flick found out it is the prequel to “Rollerblade Warriors” which kinda explains the beginning now. Apparently the same dude that made these lesser known gems also made “Hell Comes to Frogtown” and its sequel!!! Its 1986 and the film takes place in the ‘City of Lost Angels’ during ‘The Second Dark Age’. An evil puppet dude controlled by some big masked mutation (Dr. Saticoy) wants the power core crystal thingy to take over the world. Problem some weird roller skating nuns protect the crystal and they are not too keen on letting any weirdo into their club so Dr. Saticoy makes a deal with one of his blade-wielding minions to go undercover. And somewhere in the middle Michelle Bauer shows up… naked… in a hot tub of course. Its 1986, what movie wasn’t Mrs. Bauer in? Anyhow it’s fun garbage and happy to find out “Rollerblade Warriors” is a sequel. So for that I give it 2 stars.

 

The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence (On Demand) – I thought the first two films were brilliant by Tom Six but this flick is more for the people that just want the centipede saga to continue. For me it was kinda of a disappointment. But honestly I do not think there was anywhere else you could have gone with this series? But anyway we have that wicked evil doctor dude from the first flick playing an over the top warden of a maximum prison along with his accountant/assistant, the creepy security dude from the second film that thought “Human Centipede” was real. For an added bonus we have Bree Olsen (secretary), Eric Roberts (governor), Tony ‘Tiny’ Lister (a prisoner), and Tom Six as himself, along with a few other names that escape my mind now. The warden has lost his god damn mind and sings and dances his way to cutting a prisoner’s balls off to eat them because the governor is going to fire him because of his inability to run a prison. After watching the “Human Centipede” movies the warden decides with help of his accountant/assistant to have a ‘prison centipede’ constructed so it dissuades people from committing crimes and save money. And to make Tom Six’s dream come true as he still believes it is medically possible. I might have not liked the movie as much as the other two flicks but Eric Roberts was freaking great and it was cool seeing Bree Olsen. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (DVD) – Gretel and her boyfriend try some new weed called ‘Black Forest’ and apparently it’s from an old lady in Pasadena. This weed is amazingly better than the usually street stuff. Her brother does not par take in the weed smoking but becomes concern when Gretel’s boyfriend disappears when he goes to get more weed from the old lady who is played by Lara Flynn Boyle. Soon boyfriends, drug dealers, and meter men go missing in the neighborhood? The film was pleasantly funny and actually pretty good as I was expecting a shitty remake of “Half-Baked” smashed together with “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”. I give the flick 2 ½ stars. And I have to mention Yancy Butler makes a weird appearance as a police officer that really doesn’t have much to do with the storyline.

 

Roboshark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Lame movie at times but give them kudos for trying something different and playing on the society being on social media 24/7 these days. But anyway alien lifeform lands in the ocean and turns a great white into a crazy robot shark kinda of looks like crude “MechaGodzilla” at a few angles. It goes around fucking shit up until a teenager is being followed on Twitter by ‘Roboshark’ and finds out he wants to phone home. I don’t make this shit up folks it is just people come and steal my weird ass dreams and thoughts out of my head at night. I give it 1 ½ stars.

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Scream Machine (DVD/Vimeo) – An independent anthology hosted by a horror host named Dr. Fry and his ‘Head’ that have five tales for anybody left that has survived a viral outbreak. The stories are Sledgehammer, Cannibal Pen Pals (which I enjoyed the most but laughed because it is supposed to be ‘Anywhere’ 1993 and the main character is driving a car newer than what I have… And while driving you can see all the other cars in the background made after 1993), April Fools Party, Drugs & Pranks Don’t Mix, Septic Shock (which was also kinda interesting and wouldn’t mind seeing fleshed out a little more into its own longer short film), and The Deadly Indie Drive-in. Fun stuff that reminds me of the early 90s independent films from the Polonia Brothers. The movie package has lots of heart and passion but needs more true actors than friends for this type of venture. I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars and can be purchased at: http://www.amazon.com/Scream-Machine-Tara-Carlton/dp/B00YAZND50/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1437243765&sr=1-1&keywords=scream+machine&pebp=1437243767166&perid=0BSHPV155JQHCKADG0QK

 

Spider Labyrinth (DVD) – A 1988 Eye-talian thriller about a Professor Whitmore who is sent to Budapest to check in with a Professor Roth to bring back his research on Project Intextus. Several professors from all over the world are in on this project but for some reason Roth is refusing to respond to any of Whitmore’s calls or mail. It involves all languages and ancient languages. Well Roth may have found an ancient culture that still exists where people believe in demons still. Very weird, very Eye-talian, and ends with a weird creature baby that turns into a spider to crawl into Whitmore’s arm to take over his soul! I give it 2 stars.

 

Hellgate (DVD) – Another 1989 New World Pictures release which should be a beautiful gem but is a gooey mess of a B-horror movie trying to scrap the bottom of the barrel called “80s horror”. An urban legend about a woman who walks the road to the old ghost town Hellgate at night and if you follow her you will die. Mainly because you are stupid but the woman’s dad has some kind of weird growth on the side of his face and likes to shoot people with a blue crystal that was found in a cave in the 50s. It is a cheesy but entertaining horror film but definitely has its issues and you can tell everyone was mostly just clocking in and out on this flick. But it has its share of cool classic cars, gooey monsters, and the dad looks like he was an extra from Charles Band’s “Mutant Hunt” or the B-classic “Robo Vampire”. I give it 2 stars.

 

Mega Shark vs Kolossus (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Mega Shark had offspring and the Russians have a doomsday project that has been awaken and both are on a collision course to fight… enough said unless Tara Reid or Deborah Gibson show up but they didn’t. That’s for the A-list SyFy Channel shark films. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Horror Realm July 24-26th, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.horrorrealmcon.com for more details on the convention.

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Deadly Indie Entertainment presents … Scream Machine

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Deadly Indie Entertainment presents … Scream Machine …              the new horror anthology from Writer/Producer/Director …                                 Walter Ruether III … aka your eerie host … Scarlet Fry

 

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Mesa, AZ 2015 – Just when you thought it was safe to relax and let out your breath, the evil genius of Scarlet Fry (Walter Ruether III) makes itself known once more in the shape of Scream Machine’s five bloody twisted tales: “Sledgehammer,” “Cannibal Pen Pals,” “April Fool’s Party,” “Septic Shock,” and “Deadly Indie Drive-In.” Each one featuring the three M’s of horror: madness, murder, and mayhem; guaranteed to make you faint, puke, and quite possibly soil your pants!

Scream Machine’s host segments, which introduce Scarlet Fry as Dr. Fry, take place after the Ebola plague wipes out Earth’s entire population. The two exceptions being Dr. Fry and his new assistant Dr. Graves, Dr. “Head”ley Graves (Paul C. Hemmes). Known for bringing to life such cult classics as: Horrorama, Death By VHS, Nightmare Alley, and Junk Food Horror Fest; Writer/Producer/Director Walter Ruether III teams up with filmmaker Paul C. Hemmes to make his latest and quite possibly greatest horror anthology to date. Featuring the acting talents of Lloyd Kaufman (The Toxic Avenger), Sandra E. Williams (Ted 2), and David C. Hayes (A Man Called Nereus).

PLEASE NOTE: Filmmakers are not responsible for spontaneous heart attack or combustion from fright!

 

Trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnJt5yUmXz0

Pre order Link

http://www.amazon.com/Scream-Machine-Tara-Carlton/dp/B00YAZND50/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1437243765&sr=1-1&keywords=scream+machine&pebp=1437243767166&perid=0BSHPV155JQHCKADG0QK

 

The Jokesters Pulls a Terrifying Prank Available July 21st on DVD, Digital HD, and On Demand

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Los Angeles, CA – Random Media and Cinedigm have announced the July 21st release of The Jokesters on DVD, Digital HD and On Demand. Directed by AJ Wedding, The Jokesters is a tension-filled found footage horror film starring Nathan Reid, Gabriel Tigerman, Luis Jose Lopez (American Sniper), Dante Spencer and Jen Yeager.

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The “Prankmasters” are an Internet pranking sensation, who decide to take it to the extreme for their series finale. When their leader, Ethan, announces that he is getting married and leaving the life of pranks behind, the team plans on a fitting going away present. They decide to pull off one final stunt that turns their friend’s honeymoon into a “Cabin in the Woods” nightmare. What happens next is a descent into terror.

The film’s trailer is available here: https://vimeo.com/123115496

 

The DVD release of The Jokesters (SRP $19.97) will exclusively include a making-of-featurette, behind the scenes footage, bloopers and trailers.

Jon Cross joins us on our latest episode

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This week we welcome back our bestest podcast buddy Jon Cross of the after movie diner podcast, and he brings along with him a Fred William flick from the 70’s called BLACK EYE.  Kyle talks about the newest Liam Neeson throat punching action jam RUN ALL NIGHT… Does he phone it in in this one?  NOPE!  Also, Tim checks out a sequel in BEYOND THE DOOR 2 a.k.a. SHOCK.  Also we answer your listener questions and chew the movie fat and discuss this week’s internet rumors and movie poop.  Come check it out or Liam will throat punch a baby.

 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

episode 167

Are you still looking for another reason to come to Horror Realm?

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HR JUly 2015

 

Look no further than Fred and Shelby Vogel aka Toe Tag Pictures. The best thing to come out of Pittsburgh, Pa., since the legendary Greg Nicotero! What makes them different from maybe your usually vendor/celebrity: One, they have made some of the most interesting and underrated independent films in the past several years and they have done them on their own terms and have redefine how to film, do effects, and promote your own independent films. Two, Fred and Shelby Vogel are two of the nicest and down to earth movie people you may ever meet your entire life and know within three seconds of meeting them their heart is 110% into filmmaking! Three, they carry a good friend, Mario Dominick’s new book. Four, like or dislike their films there is no doubt they have made an impact on independent filmmaking.

 

TOE-TAG-INC2

Gross Movie Reviews #353

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Gross Movie Reviews #353

 

By Tim Gross

 

Stone Cold (DVD) – A very underrated action flick from the early 90s starring none other than Brain Bosworth as Officer Hough who goes undercover for the FBI. Hough’s undercover name is John Stone and the reason the FBI was interested in the Boz is he gets the job done. But this gig might be too much as he must get tight with a murderous biker gang lead by the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen and his insane cohort William Forsythe! He gets in by going to kill a traitor of the gang. Boz actually deports the guy and uses him for information but comes back to haunt him later in the film. A lot of fun B-movie action with a couple A-list actors that I believe has gotten better with age. So do yourself a favor if you are action movie fan and rewatch this flick as I give 3 stars and then after that watch the 30 for 30 special on ‘The Boz’ and it puts a lot of things in focus if you were ever a fan of ‘The Boz’?

 

Aftermath (DVD) – Edward Furlong and Monica Keena star in what I claim is a remake of the 80s TV movie “The Day After”. As people are effected by the nuclear bombs that have been dropped on US soil one day. Trying to ride it out in a basement eventually they are driven out by crazed survivors of the devastation. Sad, depressing, and a little realistic like “The Day After” but well worth the watch if you enjoy post-apocalyptic flicks? I give the depressing look at what may happen someday 3 stars.

 

The Dead 2: India (DVD) – The zombie saga continues as apparently the sickness has reached the slums of a major city in India and the story centers around an American engineer and his Indian girlfriend. Just finding out she is pregnant he is trying to make his way to her home to help her and her family to escape the outbreak. Not as intriguing as the first film but not as boring either but my main issue is they seem to mail in on the effects. Like or not the first film had some amazing effects work. I watched it mainly because it is a sequel but I wouldn’t make it a point to go out of your way to see it as I give it 2 stars.

 

Hell Baby (DVD) – A hilarious flick about a couple who buy a house that happens to be haunted, has Key from the Key & Peele show living in the duct work, and was a steal because it was in a bad neighborhood. Soon the couple realize that the baby that is coming a spawn from hell and they need an exorcism. Hilarity ensues as it does make fun of several recent films but possibly the best part of the film is Key’s character as he just pops up everywhere in the house in almost every scene and has most of the great lines. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Gallowwalkers (DVD) – I personally was hoping Wesley Snipes first horror movie in sometime would may be a “Blade” sequel but instead was this oddity of a bad film. Wesley Snipes’ character murders the gang that rape his woman, then they come back to life killing across the old west. And now Snipes is hunting them down again. Doesn’t make a ton of sense and kinda boring but couldn’t help myself wanting to see Wesley Snipes in another horror flick. I am disappointed and must give the film 1 star.

 

Sharks’ Treasure (DVD) – A 1975 film most likely trying to cash in on the “Jaws” fame with four dudes (one of them Yaphet Kotto) going to seek a sure thing in treasure off a small island. Once found and celebrating they are boarded by escape convicts that are looking for a boat to take them to freedom. Now the four must decide do they want to live or die trying to keep the treasure they have found. Not the most exciting shark film but you do get to see Yaphet Kotto fight a shark and that’s worth 2 stars alone.

 

Rites of Spring (DVD) – For the past years in this small community in Mississippi, young women of disappeared around the first day of spring. Now kidnappers of rich dude’s kid get involved by accident when a girl screaming bloody murder runs through the kidnapping gone bad and they all must deal with some creature that decapitates people. Apparently a farmer uses this creature for an early harvest every year and it has been a part of the family throughout generations. Great looking box art, but disappointing attempt at a scarecrow slasher type of horror film. There was nothing very memorable about the film as I give it 1 ½ stars.

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Call Girl of Cthulhu (Blu-ray/DVD) – First, great title for an independent horror film. Second, it’s been picked up by Camp Motion Pictures so you the horror fan including myself are going to be in for a treat. The story begins with a man named Carter Wilcox, who is trying to explain the events that have happened recently while he sits in front of a detective that wants answers. Mr. Wilcox is an artist but he is a lonely artist with a noisy roommate named Erika. Carter has a chance meeting with an escort named Riley who Wilcox asks to paint her. They become friendly and boom ‘The Great Old Ones’ are in town looking for a woman with a Cthulhu birthmark on her ass (Riley). Going through all the escorts in town they finally know its Riley. Once captured, she becomes the vessel for the legendary evil creature and breaks off her relationship with Wilcox. But meanwhile Wilcox just got a gig copying an old weird book. Then we got death by dildo and plastic fan, a really cool tongue cutting scene, heads exploding, zombie whores, crazy gore and goo flying everywhere, Riley turns into really weird and awful looking creature that resembles Chet from “Weird Science”, and it’s all happening at the ‘Church of Starry Wisdom’. First half of the film is a lot of tits and ass but once the film progresses into the Cthulhu mythology of how ‘The Great Old Ones’ are trying to bring Cthulhu into the world the film gets really interesting and entertaining. With the title it has it is expected to have some nude scenes but I was more impressed with not only the creature and cool make-up effects but the awesome and entertaining storyline plus the actors that played Riley, Carter, and Erika did a wonderful job. Also the Blu-ray combo pack has one of the best extras I have come across this year and it’s called: “My 5-year old niece explains Cthulhu”. It is so cute and so freaking hilarious! I have to give this entertaining independent horror/comedy 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Do yourself a favor and order a copy now at: www.alternativecinema.com .

 

Non-stop (DVD) – Liam Neeson proves this flick is no “Passenger 57” or “Executive Decision” and makes no sense why he would do this uninteresting action flick over an “A-team” sequel. Found it boring at times, skip this one folks and go watch “Run All Night” or “Taken” again as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Horror Realm July 24-26th, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.horrorrealmcon.com for more details on the convention.

There may be a second reason you should visit Horror Realm…

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Two words for you ED QUILLIN!

HR JUly 2015

The best artist I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and becoming friends with. After a chance meeting at a rest stop in Ohio after a Cinema Wasteland show of where Ed buys a copy of my book we became friends and the rest is history as Ed becomes the official artist of Gross Movie Reviews. There is no one like Ed as he can capture and draw a picture of you in minutes. His unique style not only has brought fans to read my reviews but make horror movie fans huge fans of his artwork and his amazing ability to draw stuff on the spot! What makes Ed the best also is Ed is just a regular person like you and myself and will have a beer with you while drawing, cool stuff folks. So make sure you check out Ed and his artwork when you come to Horror Realm… if you don’t, you do not want to know the alternative as I am sure Frankenhooker, mash potatoes, and a fridge door may be sitting on your front porch waiting to kill you!

Here is some of his work:

 

Wrath of Gross B&W

Don Muggins

Big Ass cover

fridgeGarveyard GrossGross TasteGross Title Page

Gross Movie Reviews pic

One reason you should come to Horror Realm…?

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The celebrity list looks great, events look fun, awesome vendors as usual, plus Tim Gross will be there with Out of Print Dan selling the new book “Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross” , copies of Jagoff Massacre, and some other cool goodies from OOPD! But what if you had to pick one thing or reason you should come to Horror Realm because there is nothing like it around the state of Pa?

HR JUly 2015

For me it would be the man, the myth, the Frito-Pie eating, the T-shirt making machine, the legend… Joe Garcia!!!

Why? This is why:

 

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/spookies-t-shirt/

Spookies

 

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/woodchipper-massacre-t-shirt/

woodchipper

 

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/cannibal-campout-t-shirt/

Cannibal

 

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/split-second-t-shirt/

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http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/gross-movie-reviews-t-shirt/

GMR shirtOf course you gotta get one of those…

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/jagoff-massacre-t-shirt/

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But Mr. Joe Garcia has hundreds of selections at his website:

www.fastcustomshirts.com

Or just check out what he is making next at his facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/fastcustomshirts?fref=ts

And Fast Custom Shirts and the cool T-shirt Joe will be setting up at the fine convention of Horror Realm on July 24-26th, 2015! Get your tickets now for this great event or visit their page for more details: http://www.horrorrealmcon.com

 

“Their Masterpiece Awaits!”

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The Divine Tragedies

“Their Masterpiece Awaits!”

Divine

Los Angeles, California: The Kondelik Brothers, Jon and James, are set to reveal more of The Divine Tragedies, to the bloodthirsty masses. As the brothers continue their film festival run, they have edited and released four new clips. The clips are titled: “Alley Scene,” “Masterpiece,” “Butterflies” and “Where are the Keys.” Each short scene shows more of the film’s central conflict and the motivations of two serial killing brothers: Thomas Lo Bianco (Jon Kondelik) and Charles Brubaker (Graham Denman). These two characters are based on two real life murdering brothers, who would terrorize Chicago. More of that terror can be seen right now!

 

As well, the clips show more of the characters. Thomas and Charles are two characters cut from a different cloth. One brother, Charles, has no hesitation when it comes to murder, while Thomas shows more of a conscience as explored in the “Alley Scene.” The target of their murderous rage, Genevieve (Hannah Levien), is shot centrally within the “Masterpiece” clip; she knows little of the brother’s devious designs. The “Butterflies” clip amplifies a dank hotel room with blood red lighting. The lighting foreshadows the violence that is about to begin. Finally, “Where are the Keys” takes place late in the film, when the brothers are hounded by Homer Gaul, played by Ken Foree. The brother’s unity begins to crack, under the pressure of so much police scrutiny. As well, actress Barbara Crampton can be seen as Thomas and Charles’ mother, in this same scene. All of the scenes provide viewers with a greater insight on how the characters relate and conflict with each other.

 

Jon and James Kondelik continue to bring exposure to The Divine Tragedies through social media. The brothers are active on Facebook and on Twitter. Fans of horror can find out more on the film at both of these platforms, with film festival showings set to be scheduled there. You can support the film on social media, there also.

 

The four clips are available here:

 

“Alley Scene:” https://vimeo.com/128809008

 

A downloadable version of “Alley Scene:” https://app.box.com/s/jpjksfh1r6dztwqxixk58dtxbqx7zb4l

 

“Masterpiece:” https://vimeo.com/128809739

 

A downloadable version of “Masterpiece:” https://app.box.com/s/boxtchxz0ady4fcex3hx9roqmzcnpbqr

 

“Butterflies:” https://vimeo.com/132562613

 

A downloadable version of “Butterflies” is available here: https://app.box.com/s/iwbvov0pp4d1rbcx41smwm9tff55al8s

 

“Where are the Keys:” https://vimeo.com/132562988

 

A downloadable version of “Where are the Keys” is available here: https://app.box.com/s/0tt3w82b1io84palsaloqoxsc99ohbke

 

A trailer for the film is available here: https://vimeo.com/122359501

Hey horror fans and fiends everyone have a safe holiday weekend!!!

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Still love this fucking movie!

 

Brought to you by http://www.fastcustomshirts.com

http://www.fastcustomshirts.com/uncle-sam-t-shirt/