Gross Movie Reviews #519

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Gross Movie Reviews #519

 

Bloodfist V: Human Target (DVD) – This time around Don “the Dragon” Wilson stars as Jimmy Stanton who wakes up in the hospital with amnesia. The super-hot Denice Duff is paid $500 to go into his room and claim to be his wife to take him home after he wakes. Quickly she gets involved in something much bigger as some mob guys come by at every opportunity to kill Jimmy. As Jimmy tries to figure out who he truly is the NSA comes a knocking to explain he was undercover as part of a Chinese smuggling organization. Not knowing who to believe as usual he goes out on his own with Ms. Duff to clear his name and kill every bad guy in his way! A fun and hilarious direct-to-video bootleg of Steven Segal’s ‘Hard to Kill’ with no real serious villain as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Bloodfist VI: Ground Zero (DVD) – In this entry Don “the Dragon” Wilson is an Air Force officer who is delivering classified material to a missile complex. Instead of a simple delivery he stumbles into a siege in progress on the missile site to set off a nuclear war. Eventually Mr. Wilson makes his way into the highly secured underground facility to save the day as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Bloodfist VII: Manhunt (DVD) – Don “the Dragon” Wilson is Jim in this entry into the series where it teaches you not to pick up strange hot blondes in a bar. After a night with the hot blonde Jim is accused of being a cop murderer and Steven Williams is on the job to track Jim down to bring him to justice. Jim must not only clear his name but bring down the drug ring within the LAPD as I give it 2 stars.

 

Bloodfist VIII: Hard Way Out (DVD) – The last entry for Mr. Wilson has him as a high school teacher with a past in the CIA that catches up to him. Assassins are out to kill him as part of a cleanup operation as his former boss is expected to be declared the new head of the CIA. He heads over seas to keep his teenage son safe but that only slows the CIA down for a day before they catch back up as I give this last entry for “The Dragon” 2 stars.

 

Bloodfist 2050 (DVD) – This 2005 entry into the series made eight years after the original series is a Filipino post-apocalyptic film set in L.A. 2050 that begins with some stock footage of 80s Filipino post-apocalyptic films. Then we are introduced to a young man named Alex that when he isn’t banging the local stripper he gets wrapped up in a famous fighting ring. This is supposedly going to help him find his brother’s killer and make some money along the way. The film is kinda of dull and been done before aka the first ‘Bloodfist’ movie, this entry just has a lot more boobage in it as filler scenes with a few strippers dancing as I give it 1 star.

 

The New Mutants (On Demand) – This was that forgotten or shelved supposedly horror film starring mutants that we all wondered about but weren’t really excited about. If bored, the film isn’t that bad as teenage mutants are sent to an asylum that is funded by the Essex Corporation for scientific research. The teens are told it is for their own good but as a new mutant is introduced into the group they are being haunted by their own fears and must ban together to defeat their fears. This film just comes off as a misfire more than a bad movie and most likely besides being caught up in the whole Fox/Disney takeover was just a rushed project as it seems like the ‘X-men’ phase of superhero films were ending??? Anyway it is still worth a watch if you can’t find much else as I give it 2 stars.

 

Jiu Jitsu (On Demand) – If your brain needs something like a ‘Hardcore Henry’ to fulfill that feeling this might be the project for it? A weird comic bookish story about an interdimension being that comes to Earth every six years at this ancient temple to fight the best warriors alive. If the warriors disagree or do not fight the being it will just destroy the Earth. Seems simple enough as when all the crazy MTV action fight scenes are not happening with Tony Jaa and others we get just enough crazy Nic Cage to keep you interested till the end. The action film is entertaining and filled with some good fight scenes but the ‘hero’ character of the plot isn’t someone I feel fans will care about and hurts the film overall. I still give it 2 ½ stars for all its action but I would say check out ‘Triple Threat’ before you get ass deep into this movie.

 

Terminator: Dark Fate (DVD) – You can make fun of me for watching the whole ‘Bloodfist’ series for no reason. But for those who are fans of this series of films you know this series was done after the third entry, correct? ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines’ the most pointless film ever made! This sequel/reboot tries its best to be pointless but really seems to recycle the storyline we just digested in ‘Terminator: Genisys’… I personally just watch the films because of Arnold but if you are just looking for something dumb to watch here you go! Spoiler alert: Skynet does not exist any longer and it is now called Legion. Not saying but just saying this should have been done when they decided to make the third film. Hey Hollywood if you are going to do this again just give us the humans vs. terminators post-apocalyptic war film in 90 minute form otherwise it is just dumb as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Llamageddon (DVD) – This wonderful creation is about an alien llama that crash lands on Earth in a small community and begin its takeover! When the llama isn’t stomping a victim with its hooves it is killing people with its laser eyes. Yes, you heard me correctly people when its shoots lasers from its red eyes fireworks go off. The alien llama stumbles upon a house party of young people where it begins killing them one by one but also spits on one party goer to have him begin a transformation. This independent film has it all folks and I absolutely laughed my ass off as the alien llama tries to destroy us all! If that isn’t enough pay attention to their drinking game as the character Dan changes shirts in every scene (17 times if I counted correctly?) I cannot thank filmmaker Howie Dewin enough for giving us this amazing gem of cinema as I give it 4 stars all the way!

 

Fatman (On Demand) – So what do you do with a super racist actor that may have ruined his career forever? How about have him play the role of Chris Cringle aka Santa Claus. This isn’t your typical holiday film as a young man is given a lump of coal for Christmas and this upsets him to the point of hiring a hitman to kill Santa Claus. If Santa doesn’t have enough to worry about he has to take on a government contract in order to make ends meet so he can continue giving good boys and girls presents once a year. This holiday film goes far off the reservation in this dark comedy to bring a holiday story that is just perfect for us weirdos. Santa isn’t your typical jolly red coat figure we all remember he is portrayed as a normal old guy just trying to get by with what he has. Difference is this Santa has been doing it for hundreds of years and I refuse to describe more of the movie because I like how the story tells you just enough to explain everything quickly to keep the flow going. This holiday gem gets 3 ½ stars and will most likely become a yearly watch for me.

Piranha Sharks (DVD) – Think sea monkeys kids! A science project gone wrong and now the military no longer interested in the project presents a problem: what to do with the piranha sharks? How about sell them as the hottest new product to get through an infomercial? And that is what two weird idea guys come up with as they sell them by the millions becoming rich overnight. But of course things quickly go wrong as the piranha sharks are reproducing out of control and starting to attack people anytime the water is turned on. Not even Jose Canseco pleas for his favorite thing can stop a couple exterminators from coming up with an idea to save New York City! Even a mayor played by Kevin Sorbo (who is Winnie the Poohing it around the office)  hopes the exterminators come up with an idea to save them all before all out nuclear assault as I give the entertaining film 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #518

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Gross Movie Reviews #518

 

Frankenstein Created Woman (DVD) – A wonderfully crafted Hammer twist on the Universal classic that stars Peter Cushing as the Baron of course. The Baron with his injured hands has an assistant who is also a doctor but feels the Baron is far superior in his thinking of the human anatomy. The Baron’s goal is to ‘conquer death’… Where have you heard that before? He believes he has come up with an invention that holds onto the soul and transfers it to a different body while the other body is being repaired. The Baron’s younger assistant is excused of murder and is to be executed by beheading. The young man’s girlfriend sees this and throws herself from a bridge both dying about the same time. The Baron of course uses this to prove his experiment works. Things are quiet afterward as the experiment seems to work perfectly fine until murders of those who are the true murderers begin to happen. This film ends on an excellent horrific climax that makes the movie for myself and I am sure many others a regular watch in their collections as I give it 4 stars.

 

From Beyond the Grave (DVD) – An anthology from the early 70s that stars Peter Cushing as an old antiques dealer who sells possible cursed objects to the public (Thank you Friday the 13th TV series). The film feels like a TV movie of sorts that also has a who’s who of UK actors. People come into the shop to purchase an item with the wrong intentions and meet a grisly doom as I give this fun treat 3 stars.

 

Stairs (On Demand) – Just in case you go looking for this newer flick it also under the title ‘Black OPS’. A small military strike team is warned by a dying woman “Don’t go down…” but the team forges ahead anyway. With the mission done and the team returning to base things are not as they appear as they keep opening doors to the mission they just accomplished and continuing to walk stairs to nowhere. One by one each of them die but is this hell? A different dimension? Can they correct the wrong? This is one of those projects that can be tough to pull off as there are some good things here and bad. Biggest issue is the film does get dull quickly which I believe hurts a rewatch of the project as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Bloodfist (DVD) – Don “the Dragon” Wilson stars in this Corman produced bootleg of the popular ‘Bloodsport’. Wilson/Jake gets some bad news from Manila where his brother has been kickboxing and may have gotten in with the wrong people. Jake finds out his brother was killed by the “Red Fist” boxing club and now wants revenge but the only way for him to accomplish that is enter the “Ta Chang” or the competition that is to the death. This film did not age well and hell now looking back was not a good bootleg version of JCVD’s ‘Bloodsport’ as I give this 1 star.

 

Bloodfist II (DVD) – Don “the Dragon” Wilson returns as Jake the Kickboxing champ of the world who is trying to help out an old friend but gets kidnapped for some secret death tournament. Or as I like to call it bootleg ‘Bloodsport 2’. The action and the fights are much better choreographed for this sequel. The film is not nearly as choppy or lagged down as the first film but if you are going for early 90s action choices there is still much better to pick from as I give this sequel 2 stars.

 

Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight (DVD) – So now the series shifts away from the death tournaments for Don “the Dragon” Wilson and he’s playing a different character named Jimmy. Jimmy finds himself in prison and his cellmate is Richard Roundtree and oh yeah Jimmy just happens to be the issue of the civil unrest inside the prison. Jimmy just killed a main drug supplier inside the prison after killing a friend of Jimmy’s. Jimmy now must fight for his life around every corner as the warden likes to treat all the inmates as animals to keep them on edge. Again improvement over the first two movies as there is much more action and feels like there was an actual story here as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Bloodfist IV: Die Trying (DVD) – Don “the Dragon” Wilson and the lovely Amanda Wyss star in this action film about Danny repossessing cars and his 10 year old daughter not happy with it. But one afternoon after he gets a BMW back to the office his crew gets shot up by some unhappy fellows looking for Easter candy. Now Danny must find out why as he is on the run from authorities and find out why they have kidnapped his daughter? This seems to be ‘Bloodfist’ hitting its direct-to-video stride as in the early 90s you could find almost every week a new movie like this starring JCVD, Dolph Lundgren, etc., as I give the fourth entry in this series 2 ½ stars.

 

Tarantula (DVD) – This mid-50s B-movie classic is famous for two things: the giant spider attacking the desert town and Clint Eastwood making an appearance as a jet fighter pilot in the film. Anyhow a couple of scientists are using radioactive isotopes as part of their experiments that makes everything grow. After a struggle with his partner a giant spider gets loose and starts feasting on the local cattle as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Alien Presence (DVD) – In another tale of shirtless sexy males David DeCoteau brings us a story about college students brought to a government house where a young man is in a coma to be studied. What they all don’t know is the young coma patient is an alien named Wilks. A young scientist (Dr. Lyons) awakens the being and shuts off communication to see what happens or a controlled experiment. No cool death scenes, hell no one really dies but as usually if you need to fill your quota on shirtless males or unusually long shower scenes by males then this is the film for you as I give 0 stars. Sorry David I like my horror movies to have someone dying but again this is no ‘D.B. Cooper vs. Bigfoot’?

 

Direct To Video: Straight to Video Horror of the 90s (DVD) – An excellent documentary from filmmaker Dustin Ferguson who brings together an abundance of critics, actors, and filmmakers to discuss not just their films but how this whole genre got started in the 90s. They discuss their favorites and how Hollywood and media was changing at the times and yes Charles Band gets a lot of credit as I give this really cool documentary 4 stars.

 

Assassin X (DVD) – A promising action film starring everyone from B-movie fame where Olivier Gruener is Steele. Steele is an assassin that does not kill with guns or knives but his chemistry degree. First half of the movie plays out like a bad version of ‘The Mechanic’ and the second half just goes completely south as Steele tries to walk away from the business to bang a young lady that is twice as young as him and his boss is not happy. Love the cast of the film but was super disappointed in what the film was as it could have been so much more fun as I give it 0 stars.

 

Dinner With a Vampire (DVD) – A thousand year old vampire is awakened by a film crew only to be eaten by the vamp of course. Several years later the old vampire (Mr. Jurek) is a famous horror movie director who has grown old of his life. So for his latest project producers cast four new stars that is to meet at Jurek’s home to kill him. Jurek explains to the budding young stars that he is tired of the routine of being undead. The newbie stars must either kill Jurek before dawn or eventually become bloodsuckers themselves. There is some corny fun humor to the flick but be warned no one dies as I give the film 2 stars.

 

Return to Splatter Farm (DVD) – 33 years has passed since the S.O.V. classic was unleashed and we finally have a sequel that involves the Polonias again. A young woman named Bobbi has inherited the “Death Farm”. So Bobbi and a few friends head out to the infamous farm to decide what she wants to do with the property. With their presence it does not take long for Jeremy to be awaken and slaughtering young humans again. It is a fun and relaxing take on the original that doesn’t disappoint S.O.V. fans as I give it 3 stars.

Becky (On Demand) – We have two parallel stories going on in this deliciously brutal film that centers on a young girl named Becky. First, Becky and her father are in disagreement as usual since her mother’s death. Now, it is being forced upon her that dad has found a new woman and wants to be a family. Second, we are introduced to a couple of inmates who are super Neo-Nazis that have escaped transport heading to this isolated home in the woods looking for a hidden key. After another argument Becky runs off into the woods shortly after the inmates come a knocking for some bad ass mean shit to go down. The Neo-Nazis find out that Becky has the key so they try to make a deal but Becky refuses after watching her father being killed. From there we go into a downward spiral into some brutal scenes of revenge as Becky fights back. We get a sick eye gouge that requires the eye being snipped off, a new way to use school pencils, and a little girl (Becky) getting heart punched! The film is just plain screwed up and I loved it as don’t be surprised this sneaks its way into my “2020 top ten” as I give it 4 stars.

Sputnik (On Demand) – It is 1983 and two cosmonauts are doing the usually checks during their space mission when something happens. Their ship crash lands and Russian authorities find one alive and one dead. They are brought to a secret facility and a psychologist is brought into evaluate Konstantin Veshnyakov the lone survivor. But the military let the psychologist in on something Veshnyakov has brought something back with him and this is why the hero has not been allowed to go out in public in Moscow. It is a slithering being that will eat humans to survive. The good doctor intrigue by how the being and the cosmonaut are surviving she digs deeper what is exactly going on? The Russian military of course want her to figure out how to separate the two so they can use the alien being for military use. This slow burn Russian flick has its horror moments and does not go exactly the way I thought which makes this an excellent find horror fans as I give it 3 stars.

 

Tremors: Shrieker Island (DVD) – Burt Gummer is back one more time to fight Graboids as Richard Brake has brought in juiced up Graboids to hunt on a private island. When the hunt doesn’t go so well and people who are indigenous to the island are in trouble it is Gummer brought to the rescue. But the Graboids and shriekers are juiced up so their behavior is different making much more difficult for Burt including not having much in weapons. As usual a lot of fun, cool Graboids, and you can never get enough of Burt Gummer as I give the film 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !