Gross Movie Reviews #301
By Tim Gross
Invasion Roswell (SyFy Channel/DVD) – That damn government fucked up again and Area 51 was built for a reason as aging band of troops are retired after training all their lives for aliens. Seven years after being retired it’s a generic version of ‘Independence Day’ and makes you question why I still watch some of these flicks? I give it 0 stars.
Runaway (DVD) – Oh age may not be kind to Gene Simmons and this movie but Tom Selleck in his mustache prime and a pre-Cheers Kristie Alley gets 80s early teenager going inside yourself as Tom Selleck tracks “Runaways”. Or in the not so distant future for 1984… computers or robots that have gone fucking nutzoid! Tom Selleck is Sgt. Ramsey, a cop who takes care of Runaways and Stan Shaw helps him along the way to break in a new partner and explain to her why he is needed. Meanwhile Gene Simmons plays himself aka an asshole aka Dr. Luther who makes exploding missile bullets and has just stolen templates to make rogue computer chips. If you were always looking for that warm up film to ‘Robocop’ this fun 1984 film is it as I give the dated flick 2 ½ stars.
Ghost Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – It stars mother fucking Richard Moll and has a scene where a shark kills a dude from being in a cup of water and splits him a part. I am all in with ridiculously awesome bad shark flick. I give it 3 stars.
Race War: The Remake (DVD) – Only hearing about this film recently on our podcast show Bloodbaths and Boomsticks from T-shirt Joe Garcia, words could not describe what this crazy, off the wall independent film is. This film is either the greatest current film to explain tensions between race and cultural differences or one of the best independent films of 2013 that doesn’t give a fuck who it offends as it throws all the races of mankind under the bus and had me laughing all the way! Tom Martino of DWN Productions (www.dwnproductions.net) expanded his award winning short film into a feature like no other as the plot revolves around a character named “Soda” who sells the best crack in town and has the help of his best friend “G.E.D”… And do not even ask about “Black Kreecha” aka a dude in a Creature from Black Lagoon mask with a Hawaiian shirt or it will ruin the ending for you. But for the most part the rest of plot revolves around Soda fighting off white demons who are trying to take over his territory. This of course leads to the best scene of an independent film in 2013 where Soda fights a white dude in Mortal Kombat montage game scene and when Soda wins it says, “HATE CRIME”! This strange but very entertaining film will have you questioning your own reality, as I give this flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars! You can purchase the DVD at www.wildeyereleasing.com and for more on Tom Martino go check out www.dwnproductions.net as you will find the greatest horror icon mask available there ever… Jack Frost the Killer Snowman!
Cheeseballs (DVD) – Tom Martino and friends are back together for an anthology that I declare wasn’t made for anybody to watch sober. With Lloyd Kaufman introducing all six segments your will be reduced to mush as it features a man-eating pizza that butt fucks dudes, hooker ghosts, Black Aquaman, a Klansman played by T-shirt Joe Garcia, a fake T-shirt Joe commercial, A weird character named Sweet Hole Brown, and Black Spider-man who shoots web from his penis of course. This doesn’t come off by any means to be taken seriously as much as Mr. Martino is entertaining himself and others that can last through this project drunk or high? If you like early Low Budget Pictures films you may like this also as I give it an entertaining 2 out of 4 stars. You can find out more about it at www.dwnproductions.net .
Robocroc (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Parker Lewis aka Corin Nemac has thrown the gauntlet down to be the supreme end all of end all actors for SyFy Channel flicks as he faces off with Dee Wallace who just happens to be a top scientist whose experiment has crash landed into a zoo and has bonded with a big salt water croc. Parker Lewis is the zookeeper who caught the croc, “Stella” and is worried that the military doesn’t understand what they are dealing with until they all don’t understand exception being Dee Wallace as nanobots have taken over Stella and making her into ‘Robocroc’! Imagine a killer croc version of ‘Jason X’ or they just decided fuck it we are remaking ‘Project: Metalbeast’ with a crocodile? Either way first half of the film is awesome and second half is boring and lacks any excitement until Dee Wallace goes all Superstar Billy Graham on a supporting character. Give the film 2 stars.
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One more thing… Don’t forget Jagoff Massacre is coming September 20th, 2013 at Horror Realm. Stay tuned for details at https://www.facebook.com/JagoffMassacre !!!