Gross Movie Reviews #402
Lights Out (DVD) – Maria Bello is a mom that is haunted by her past literally… A dead girl from her days in the crazy house still haunts her and now starting to haunt her young son. The older daughter stops having anything to do with nuttiness early in her teen years and left. Now her brother is getting the brunt of it she is worried. Every time the lights are turned out this ghastly thing appears until the lights are turned back on. A fun creepy ghost flick made for people under the age of 25 so enjoy as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Spy (DVD) – Surprisingly a funny ass movie that stars Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law, and Jason Statham. Melissa’s character sits behind a computer to help her super-hot spy agent through trouble when needed as she is his eyes and ears. When he is killed off supposedly it forces the agency to send someone in that the bad guys have never saw before, in comes Melissa McCarthy’s character. She goes into the field but it’s been a decade since she went through intense training. It is up to her to stop a sale of a nuclear device on the black market. Like I said it made me laugh more than I ever thought and for that I give it 2 ½ stars.
Night Visitor (DVD) – A lesser known late 80s satanic flick about a high school kid named Billy. Billy believes he has seen his extremely hot piece of ass neighbor (Shannon Tweed) has been sacrificed to a higher power or lower power? He also believes it was his history teacher dabbling in some satanic stuff… Once the cops don’t believe him and think he is a possible suspect he visits a retired cop (Elliot Gould) for help. This little known film is worth tracking down for the watch because it also stars Michael Pollard, Richard Roundtree, and one of my favorite porn/horror actresses Teri Weigel! Think of it as a lighter horror/comedy that does not exist without ‘Evilspeak’ and ‘976-Evil’ being released first. I give the flick 3 stars folks.
Catacombs (DVD) – Just another example of missing the good old days of Charles Band and Empire Pictures. This flick takes place in the “Abbey” where priests go to further their studies. What most don’t know the priesthood in the 1500s banished some evil dude in the basement and buried it? Of course some young beautiful woman comes along and wants to study there too and it just happens the evil has awakened to start a bloodbath! Cheap, effective, and fun the Charles Band way you cannot go wrong. Example: there is a bad ass scene where a re-animated Jesus comes off the cross and kills one of the priests in the catacombs. We are talking a glorious kill here folks. In case you didn’t know this flick is a part of that new Blu-ray Empire Pictures box set that is limited. Another fun Empire Pictures flick gets 3 stars from me.
Shark Exorcist (DVD) – Some would say this idea was stolen from my mind in my sleep but the honor of bringing this glorious idea to life is Donald Farmer. A nun believes the world has betrayed her? So of course like all nuns that have been betrayed she kills a woman and throws her to the sea all in the name of revenge of bringing her a savior… And that is a possessed shark that bites a semi-good looking lady and possesses her to walk on land and cause havoc. Meanwhile, the host of a TV shows “Ghost Whackers” shows up to speak to the spirits of the sea to see why there is so many shark attacks? Once a brother of a priest named Father Michael is killed the priest becomes involved in solving this mystery. Who will stop the horror at Paris Landing Lake? Not totally sure but I believe Donald Farmer took some notes from ‘Roller Gator’ and shot a good random portion of the film at a fairgrounds for filler minus the Joe Estevez. Personally, I am just glad this film exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Six-String Samurai (DVD) – Ana amazing post-apocalyptic flick that ignores history and has the bombs go off in 1957 almost killing everyone. But Elvis is the king of Lost Vegas for 40 years and has just recently died. This means all the rock-n-rollers from all over the wastelands are trying to make it to Vegas to become the new “king”. But there is Buddy, who is just as good with his guitar as he is with his sword traveling across the wastelands slicing, dicing, and guitar licking his way to Vegas. Even Death is searching for Buddy so he cannot make it to Vegas. Death aka bootleg Rob Zombie fears if Buddy makes it he will be the “king”. Buddy must fight through the heat, Russians, other rock-n-rollers, the spinach monster, Death, and do it all while carrying along an orphan during his travel through the wasteland. The 3 ½ star film comes complete with the soundtrack done by “The Red Elvises”! Just watch the film and thank me later.
Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (DVD) – In the Alps some dude has an experimental snow making machine that he is trying to impress a Russian investor. Investor gets hosed with green stuff and the local wildlife begins to drink it and we have zombies! Trapped on the mountain at a mountain inn at the end of the season a couple snowboarders must fight off hordes of zombies and an asshole that started the zombie infestation. Its ‘Dead Snow-lite’… Some fun effects and snowboarding zombies are cool but it makes you wanting another sequel to ‘Dead Snow’ as I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Violent Shit Collection (DVD) – For those movie fans that may not know this is a thing. But the ‘Violent Shit’ movies are an independent creation from a German filmmaker named Andreas Schnaas. His first flick that took a couple years to make in the late-80s was a gorefest that made fans all around the world. Well this collection is a five film set of the first four films up to 2010 and the special extra bonus of ‘Zombie 90: Extreme Pestilence’. Andreas came up with a character named “Karl the Butcher” who becomes the most notorious serial killer around. He brutalizes his way through victims through the first film; second film has Karl Jr., continuing the killing spree, third film has both Butchers on an island gathering an army, and the fourth film takes place in 2023 after the apocalypse and Karl escapes from hell to kill his son but instead teams up with him to lay waste to all the gangs in the wastelands! These were some stuff of legend among independent film fans for the extreme gore scenes. I was never a huge fan of the series but respect the hell out of Andreas Schnaas and Timo Rose for their passion of making gory independent films they enjoy. And now many others in Canada and the US can enjoy them all together finally in their remastered glory. Synapse Films as usual takes the pain staking task of giving ‘Violent Shit’ movie fans what they want and that is a box set. And for that I give it 3 out of 4 stars as the five disc set is available through www.synapse-films.com .
The Hound of the Baskervilles (DVD) – A wonderful late 50’s Hammer flick; stars Peter Cushing as Sherlock Holmes who is hired to protect Sir Henry (Christopher Lee). Sir Henry inherits a castle but also a curse after his uncle dies mysteriously. The curse has haunted the family for years after a hound of hell attacked a relative. But of course Holmes is more than up to the task proving this all wrong and protect Sir Henry from certain death. Great old school Hammer stuff that I give 3 stars.
King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (DVD/Vimeo) – Asylum Entertainment takes a stab at the “King Arthur” tale as Bootleg Sean Bean aka Merlin and King Arthur banish Morgana and her son from earth. 1500 years pass and Morgana and son are back from their banishment searching for Excalibur. But things have change and even the descendants of King Arthur are totally sure Excalibur or the stories are real until they are faced with Morgana. Morgana forms an undead army to do the job her son cannot do and that is to steal the Holy Grail and kill the descendants of Arthur. If that wasn’t enough we get some bootleg Mortal Kombat stuff for the climax of the film in order for Morgana to be killed. As usual fun B-movie stuff that needs to premiere on the SyFy Channel Saturday nights as I give it 2 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/ocotbercoast .
Rattlers (DVD) – A hilarious mid-70s flick about a snake professor who is making some extra bucks checking out some unprovoked snake attacks. The snake attacks all seem to happen after the military buried some bad stuff in an old cave in the desert. These mad animal B-flicks are great for movie watching parties as I give it 2 stars.
The Dark Tapes (On Demand) – The film is a series of “dark tapes” or stories over the course of several years that tackles evil or evil entities that exist. The series of stories are fun creepy feel that concern a science experiment with possible demons from a parallel world, how the paranormal affects a young couple in their new house, strange things that happen with Cam Girls, and a woman who changes and begins her fight with her nightmares after a horrible incident at a friend’s party. All the stories are different but have a similar creepy and interesting tone that will capture the imagination of movie fans who enjoy stuff like: ‘The Innkeepers’, ‘V/H/S’ and ‘Grave Encounters’. One of the more intelligent paranormal films I have the pleasure of watching. Without giving too much away I give this cool project 3 out of 4 stars. You can check out more about the film at www.facebook.com/thedarktapesmovie and www.thedarktapes.com .
Where Have All The People Gone (YouTube/DVD) – An ABC movie of the week in late 1974 of a family trying to deal in the post-apocalyptic world! The film stars Peter Graves as a father of a family who happen to be in some mountain caves when an eruption/explosion/earthquake happens. When they come out the radio is out and their friend is really sick. They eventually believe a possible nuclear attack happen and believe fallout is killing them and their friend. So the family makes their way down the mountain trying to conserve food and water and save their friend. When they turn away he dies and turns to dust. When they finally get back to what they think is civilization in Rainbow, Ca. all they find is people who turned to dust and killer dogs. Unsure of what to do they decide to make their way to their million dollar Malibu home to find mom had died too. So they move out to Northern California to become farmers and apparently solar flares from the sun killed everyone! Oh the 70s TV movies I miss thee as I give you 2 stars.
Fair Game (YouTube/DVD) – A mid-80s Australian flick that pits a woman who runs a wildlife sanctuary against three men who enjoy a great deal of hunting on her property. After she is almost killed and run off the road by the three and authorities don’t believe her. The film becomes your cat and mouse chase film as they torture and drag her all over the outback. Once back home she lures the men into her compound to destroy them with traps she set up. All 80s Australian flicks have a certain charm but this film loses it quickly as you get bored waiting for it to end. The trailers are much better than the movie as I give it 1 ½ stars.
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