Gross Movie Reviews #383
Terror at London Bridge (VHS/Comet TV) – Oh the days of TV movies of the 70s and 80s where to fill time slots during the summer they would make horrible movies with actors and actresses of popular network show… We have David Hasselhoff (1985) playing a detective in London, Arizona who is investigating odd murders on the London Bridge that has been brought to America brick by brick. But it is missing one from the Jack the Ripper days in the 1880s. The brick is found and sent to London, Arizona to have a celebration of completing the bridge. And now Jack the Ripper is back killing again in this NBC TV movie. The Hoff not enough? How about Stephanie Kramer from ‘Hunter’ TV show or Adrienne Barbaeu or Clu Glugar as The Hoff’s boss? The movie is bad but a very fun bad and nostalgic trip down TV movie memory lane. I also believe the film can be found in full YouTube. I give this masterpiece 2 ½ stars.
Unidentified (DVD) – A movie about four work friends heading out to Vegas for a weekend of fun. They take a side trip to a remote town only to be scared away before heading to Vegas to take off on some dude they owed money too. Once out in the desert they get lost and followed by something, aliens in this case. I really wanted to like this film but its shaky-cam and taking way too long building up the four friends makes it annoying. I like when horror flicks give characters some background but this went far above and beyond like it was hiding a weak film? If into these types of films maybe go with ‘Area 51’ or ‘As Far So Below’ as I give this stinker 1 star.
Fender Bender (DVD/Chiller Channel) – A serial killer in S&M gear when killing gets victims’ information by getting in fender benders. When he meets a new driver he stalks her in her friends in her house during a weekend that her parents go out of town. The trailers looked so much better than film. It had a great opening but from there its 80 minutes of the weird creepy stalking a teenager which more boring as the film goes on. It makes you think it could have a better short film than feature. I give it 1 ½ stars.
Crawlspace (DVD) – Mid-80s crazy Klaus Kinski who is the son of a Nazi doctor who is also obsessed with death. Oh yes fellow horror fans, this flick is well worth revisiting time and time again as Mr. Kinski’s character only rents out to cute college women. This is mainly because he enjoys stalking them with the old ductwork of the building but also because he is bat shit fucking crazy! A very underrated film from Empire Pictures that us old folk are trying to push upon the new generations of horror fans and for good reason as I give this 3 ½ stars.
Cast A Deadly Spell (DVD) – Fred Ward as Phillip Lovecraft, a private dick, set in the 40s where everyone has accepted witchcraft as everyday life except Lovecraft. Well David Warner’s character hires him to find a mythical thingy and bring it back to me in two days or for a special ritual that involves his virgin daughter. Cthulhu, demons, end of the world fun shit. So while Lovecraft finds the mythical thingy he also learns that may be bad to give it to David Warner. Great movie on several fronts: film noir genre, Lovecraft genre, creature genre, it has it all in this HBO production that most horror fans forget. I believe it’s because of the bad sequel that stars Dennis Hopper two years later which killed any chance of a series? But what do I know? Anyway if you are Cthulhu fan this film is well worth your time tracking down as I give the flick 3 stars.
Johnny Mnemonic (DVD) – Keanu Reeves pretty much right after ‘Speed’ takes on a character where he is carrier of information where it’s uploaded into your skull in this futuristic film. A film that centers on the haves and the have nots. Johnny has uploaded more than he can carry in his mid and wants it out. But his boy Udo Kier has set him up as the information that was uploaded is a cure for the “shakes” or “black plague” I think they refer to once? But with the help of his bodyguard Dina Meyer and her scientist friend Henry Rollins they just might be able to get the information out without killing him. If the information doesn’t then Dolph Lundgren’s character “The Preacher” will! A mid-90s film which I thought was horrible when first released but for an odd reason has actually gotten better with age as I revisit the film every few years. If anything it is better than ‘Hackers’… I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Invisible Invaders (DVD/Theater) – Oh bless Bruce Lentz’s heart for showing this flick to me and a shitload of people. A late 50s film where invisible aliens land on earth and reanimate John Carradine’s corpse to threaten the world. Basically the aliens feel threaten by earthlings since they have developed the atom bomb and want to use it again. Hilarious B-movie action my friends and fun for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (On Demand) – People are now threaten that Superman can kill all mankind at any point in time so Batman takes it upon himself to stop Superman himself. We are introduced to Wonder Woman and how the “Justice League” starts. It’s a fun popcorn movie nothing great. But just like the ‘Avengers 2’ and ‘Captain America: Civil War’ films they are filler until bigger things come along movie wise. Ben Affleck was okay, the death of Superman could have been its own flick, and Wonder Woman just like the new/old Spidey earlier this year stole the show. Sorry folks we all just need to calm down at times and just enjoy the escape these films can present as I give this 2 ½ stars.
Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (YouTube) – A film that just completely baffles a lot of us why this has not found its way on DVD. But also I remember when it was first made it wasn’t like the movie got released right away too so who knows why this film has issues getting out to us nerds. Anyway its anthology film set up by Jeffrey Combs playing H.P. Lovecraft, set in the 30s, going to visit a weirdo church/library thingy with crazy priests that watch over it. Mr. Lovecraft reads through “The Book of the Dead” not realizing it he is unlocking the Cthulhu. The stories involve a great cast in Bruce Payne, David Warner, Richard Lynch, and the beautiful Maria Ford (awesome actress with a great resume but no Kristy Swanson, Tiffany Shepis, or Kathleen Kinmont). The most intriguing thing of the film is Jeffrey Combs/Lovecraft looks a hell of a lot like ‘Army of Darkness’ Bruce Campbell? (Go to YouTube for the trailer and check out the comments many people agree). Another intriguing aspect of the film is Mr. Combs and Mr. Yunza did not get along on set as Mr. Combs did like how the Lovecraft character was portrayed. Okay film buffs go to Google machines as I go find a beer and give this anthology 2 ½ stars.
Atomic Shark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Jeff Fahey stars in a shark film where the shark is radioactive from possible radiation leaking from a sunken Russian sub or just the military testing bombs back in the day. Either way, interesting concept for a B-shark flick that also stars David Faustino as a dude trying to use drones to capture footage of babes on the beach. It’s all up to the wannabe Baywatch bunch and creepy Faustino to try and figure out how to kill a radioactive shark that melts its victims before it even gets to eat them. I give it 2 ½ stars.
Dam Sharks! (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Yep, the moment someone is really reaching for shark movie ideas. But shit, you know I will still watch… at least once! Jason London stars as a bloated rich dude who owns some weirdo computer business that comes up with inventions and decides his workforce needs a retreat weekend. Or at least the ones that survive the downsizing of his company. But they have bigger problems as sharks have infested a river where they were trapped and now become beavers of sorts as they use human victims as the building blocks for their dam. Yes you read that right kids. Damn you SyFy as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Ice Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Somewhere past Greenland in the Arctic Circle the ice is melting faster than researchers believe. So with this happening ancient sharks have appeared that never been seen before and now are breaking through the thin ice fucking people up. Who would have guessed it took this long to make a global warming shark flick where they would be in the Arctic? Now add in a Kurt Russell with a flame thrower this film may have been watchable as I give it 1 star.
Planet of the Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Absolutely loved how this one started out as ‘Waterworld’ with sharks on a low budget. But as usual my dreams of being just a crazy cheese ball movie are crushed when they try to give it a lackluster storyline of how the polar ice caps melted and the sharks now feast on humans since there is no fish left. This film really acts like a sequel to ‘Ice Sharks’? Wait… is this like ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ and ‘Cheerleader Massacre aka Slumber Party Massacre 4’ scenario? Shit! No, Michelle Bauer I’m out. When are yinz properly gonna steal ideas from my brain and have ‘Z-Nation’ meet ’12 Monkeys’ meet ‘Farscape’… with sharks? Come on SyFy don’t act like that’s a horrible idea. Nothing was more horrible than destroying this great low budget idea that I watched get crushed slowly into fecal matter aftermath for ‘Sharknado 4’, just sayin. I give the film ½ star, remember I did like the idea but that was before I seen it on film.
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Frozen in a fairy tale… There’s that moment in some, not all, filmmakers’ careers, that she says to herself, “out with the old habits, and in with the new, groundbreaking forces of cinematic nature.” It’s comparable to the moment a life-long addict of oranges drops them all into a pit, because there are suddenly real Granny Smith apples to be had.
Sometimes a visionary unfolds a new onslaught of creative control, or is unable to control the pseudo-contractions she thought could be perverse without genre-defying Medicare. It is in these docile moments in a director’s life that new blood is born (or shed) on new (however old) subconscious subject matter. Jared Masters has never touched on vampires, sea nymphs, gentiles, river fairies or centaurs… until now, simply because he wanted to, and the studio system wasn’t there to stop him.
In an orangutan-like espionage, Masters disproves himself yet again, to be completely trite and anti-tone deaf. A medical examiner would perhaps see his status as unfit for service in this immediate world, but that is because; look around- the media today has been hijacked by a lifeless digital lie; a corrupt definition (not merely a high one).
The days of real working parts are sadly over, and a mundane tsunami of 78% realism (at best), gushes from flat television sets and defecates onto our living room floors. And what’s worse is that everyone seems to be completely fine with it. Well, for the few of you who appreciate practical effects and cinematic dignity, Amethyst is here. You wont see any computer generated sharks or lavish intergalactic worlds rendered on seventeen different computers from a studio staff out of Glendale. What you will witness is the profound true story of a real girl, who took too much LSD, and made a mockery out of herself in the triumph to get to nowhere. Because, like real life (some would argue), there is nowhere anyone really needs to explore (since we have Wikipedia and Google images). But in a fantasy these new age gizmos should not exist, and that is why we have to dig deeper, into a conundrum of selfless satire, void of back bending idolatry and promote healthy fanfare for new ideas, from a new generation of underground artists. The thirst of worn-out appreciators shall be quenched with Amethyst.
Newcomers Grace Klich and Valerie Miller star, with Derrick Biedenback and Olivia Yohai. Cinematography by Takede Osheame. Production assistance and continuity by Matt McPartland and Casey Plemons. Written and directed by “The Woody Allen of Horror” Jared Masters (Slink, Ballet of Blood, After School Massacre).
One drop is enough… Trailer coming soon.
Mr. Cardille died early this morning at that the young age of 87. Newscaster, actor, horror host, teleathon, radio host, he did it all with a smile. Chilly Billy was the nicest person I could ever meet. As I write this I have tears in my eyes but not of sadness but enjoyment of remembering all the good and entertainment this one man did. I have told this story many times before but it is worth telling one more time.
Bill Cardille will always be Chilly Billy to me. At the age of 3 in 1978 this man with his personality aka horror host of the show “Chiller Theater” made such an impact, impression on me that it has stayed with me and shaped my life since then. He was a host that would talk bad movies and play around with a cast of others that seemed just as crazy as he was. I was 3, what did I know? But his double feature that night was “The Creeping Terror” and “Twisted Brain” aka “Horror High”. Watching both of these bad horror movies made me not only crave bad movies but more Chilly Billy like most of Pittsburgh residents and people in surrounding counties on a late Saturday night. A few months pass and I was hooked especially when I got to watch “Creature from the Black Lagoon” for the first time. It didn’t matter if I stayed awake for both films the point was I stayed awake to hear Mr. Cardille speak and see the first ten minutes and life was complete. It got to the point when I was 5 and this memory would stick in my mind because it was shortly after my mom and dad getting divorced. My mom would work late at a place called, “Mr. Hero’s” on Sussex and McNeilly Rd., then walk up this big hill Cedric ave. to our alley. I would scream, cry, etc., until my brother would walk me down the alley (most likely in pajamas, remember I am 5) to meet my mom and we would go make popcorn and watch Chilly Billy.
Let’s not forget the special Halloween shows or the special Saturday 8pm show he would do once during the summer. It was usually “Creature from the Black Lagoon” or “Night of the Living Dead” in 3-D. You would have to get the glasses from the local Stop-N-Go before they were Cogo’s and a Bingo card for the special night. This was the beginning of my love for horror films. But January 1, 1984, Chilly Billy was off the air. Years would pass and Mr. Cardille would still do radio but I always had those memories. Then a couple years ago at the local horror convention Horror Realm, Chilly Billy made a special appearance. I could not wait. I was almost jumping out of my seat for joy when he came into the convention. What made it even more special was the lines of people that started to show up. These masses of people or large groups were only stuff you would hear of at a convention in L.A. or New York for a Bruce Campbell, Robert Englund, insert a big name horror celebrity. But this was for Bill Cardille as lines of people wrapped all over the convention to the point other celebrities were not only impressed but amazed and wanted autographs too. Of course I got in line early and got a picture signed for me but had a second signed for my mom. I knew Chilly Billy has heard all kinds of stories from Pittsburgh residents about his show but he sat there with a smile and listened to my story as a kid watching Chiller Theater with my mom. And he grabbed the picture and signed it to my mom (no charge of course because he is a nice guy) and wrote something cool to my mom just because and spent more time just talking about all the people that would come together watching his show. The picture now sits in my mom’s china closet next to a finger-painted Pac-Man picture from when I was 5 years old. My mom thought it was unbelievable he did that and was excited too just to have his autograph.
Throughout the years I always heard stories from people of how nice Bill Cardille was and just the fun stuff he did on Chiller Theater. He was an icon of this city and always approached it like he was just another yinzer that lived here. If there was one thing I can do it is, when I grow up I wanna be Bill Cardille. Newscaster, actor, horror host, studio wrestling commentator, radio host, good father, all around nice guy. This is why I celebrate a man that left such a mark not only on me but a city, a county, and a lot of people surrounding the Pittsburgh area and say thank you for your short time here. I wish you safe travels and may Chiller Theater live forever…
Los Angeles, CA (July 20, 2016) – In September of 2015, genre distributor, Terror Films announced it had acquired Worldwide rights to the horror film, HOUSE OF PURGATORY by first time writer/director Tyler Christensen.
The film stars Brian Krause (best known for his eight-season portrayal of “Leo Wyatt” on Charmed), Anne Leighton (CBS’ Criminal Minds) and Laura Coover (ABC’s How To Get Away With Murder) and is about four mid-western teenagers who go looking for a fabled haunted house on Halloween night. Once finding it, they slowly realize that the house is much more than a run-of-the-mill Halloween attraction – somehow the house knows each of their deepest secrets. One-by-one the house uses these secrets against the terrified teens, who soon find themselves in a battle to save not only their lives, but also their very souls.
Terror Films Executive Jim Klock came across HOUSE OF PURGATORY at Fear Fete Horror Film Festival where it was an official selection and star Anne Leighton was nominated for Best Actress in a feature. The film also screened at Los Angeles’ Shriekfest.
The film will have a wide ancillary release, currently set for this Fall. Exact dates for the release will be announced soon, followed by exclusive clips. In the meantime, check out the official trailer and poster for the film.
Trailer Link: https://youtu.be/Prm3WSd90xM
ABOUT TERROR FILMS:
Terror Films is a Los Angeles based distribution label with a focus on horror, Sci-Fi and thriller films targeted for limited theatrical, Television and all major ancillary markets, including DVD, EST, VOD and all major streaming outlets. Their first film THE CHOSEN, starring YouTube Sensation Kian Lawley, remained in the Top 100 of Horror Films on iTunes for 8 consecutive weeks upon its release. Their second film TRACE opened exclusively on Redbox in all 40,000 locations followed by a wide ancillary release. The label recently released the award winning film LANDMINE GOES CLICK on DVD and is gearing up to release an impressive slate over the next 5 months of 2016, including their original Anthology PATIENT SEVEN starring Michael Ironside and Jack Plotnick; the documentary UNEARTHED & UNTOLD: THE PATH TO PET SEMATARY; GODDESS OF LOVE; THE DARK STRANGER; HELL HOUSE LLC and THE HOUSE ON PINE STREET. The company is repped by Michael Sherman of Reed Smith LLP.
For more information on Terror Films, go to: www.terrorfilms.net
To submit a completed film for consideration, please send a screener link to: firstname.lastname@example.org
LOS ANGELES, CA July 17th – Reel Nightmare, a hybridized found-footage horror feature film by independent production company Together Magic Films completed principal photography in Los Angeles on July 16th, following a ten-day shoot primarily set at the historical Woodbury-Story house.
The film exists in a contemporary interpretation of the H.P. Lovecraft universe, with the New England-set story centered around the discovery of a Necronomicon inside a Victorian house cursed by three body snatching witches; and the main characters depicted as students from the film school at the fictional Miskatonic University.
The official synopsis reads:
“An ambitious female director and her crew pick a remote Victorian house with a dark history as their shooting location, only to discover the mystical place is haunted by the spirits of three vengeful witches.”
Written, directed and co-starring Armand Petri, Reel Nightmare was produced by Art Arutyunyan in their feature film debut. Petri describes the film as: “A paranormal found-footage hybrid where the characters record the supernatural forces threatening them… until it’s logical to keep filming them. When the movie hits that point, Reel Nightmare switches to a traditional narrative style.”
The film boasts an international and diverse cast toplined by Madeleine Heil, Garrett Morosky (Ballet of Blood), Eric Saleh, Colombian import Andres Mejia Vallejo; and Canadian and Estonian beauties Hailey Chown and Mari-Liis Userdnov. Eliza Bone from Bulgaria and Brazilian thesp Christine Uhebe play two of the main witches. John DeFazio (Avengers Grimm, The Canyons) served as Director of Photography.
“The film is a fun ride that will appeal to fans of traditional horror and to those who crave an extra dosage of wit and humor in their scary movies. It features a fantastic location, an intriguing ghost story with three creepy (yet seductive) witches causing chaos, and a charismatic cast.” – adds Arutyunyan.
Reel Nightmare is currently in post-production and seeking distribution. A sequel, also written by Petri, is in development.
About Together Magic Films
“We believe everyone’s story is important and worth-telling. We create unusual stories with universal themes and inclusive casts” Founders: Art Arutyunyan & Armand Petri.
Photo Gallery (click download link below)
SOURCE Together Magic Films
We had so much drunk fun the first time that we all got together and did it again. The round table is back! We invited T-Shirt Joe and Rodrigo Quast back too. We talk about everything genre related, the life and times of “Ragtime” Billy Peaches, Books, and a ton of other stuff… but mostly ranch dressing.
This week we welcome back our bud John Portanova to talk about 2 Roger Corman killer baby flicks in THE UNBORN and THE UNBORN 2. Also we get a treat as a very drunk Tim (A.K.A) convention Tim shows up to talk about more Roger Corman stuff in SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 3. And Kyle brings a real gross out flick in the story of Ezra Cobb in DERANGED. Also, we have Albert Puyn’s weird broken finger.
“I Had Fun” is an official selection of the Pittsburgh Independent Film Fest. Written by Chad Bruns and Tim Gallo Directed by Scott Cunningham It will be showing at the festival this Sunday July 17th at 3:45pm. Tickets for the festival are $10. Ticket info and a schedule of all the films in the festival can be found at www.pghindie.com Movie info on “I Had Fun” can be found at www.ihadfunmovie.com
|Sunday at 3:30 PM – 5:45 PM|
420 Chartiers Ave, McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania 15136
– – HORROR GENRE DISTRIBUTOR TO RELEASE THE FILM IN 2017 – –
Los Angeles, CA (July 15, 2016) – It was announced today that Terror Films has acquired North American distribution rights for the horror film SAVAGELAND. The film was written, directed and produced by Simon Herbert, along with Phil Guidry and David Whelan. SAVAGELAND’s story is about a small town near the Arizona-Mexico border that is wiped out overnight. Suspicion falls on the lone survivor until a roll of photos, the survivor took that night, tells a very different and chilling story.
SAVAGELAND was an official selection at 15 film festivals including: the San Diego Comic Con, Morbido Film Festival and the New Orleans Horror Film Festival. At the NOHFF, Terror Films’ executive Jim Klock discovered the film and stated: “what struck me about the film right away was the level of realism, the filmmaker’s ability to create a rich documentary style world and a film with a feeling that we are watching something we maybe shouldn’t be watching.”
On deciding to work with Terror Films, filmmakers, Simon Herbert, Phil Guidry and David Whelan of – The Massive – stated: “we set out to make a smart and innovative horror movie. When it came time to distribute it, we wanted to partner with a smart and innovative company. We always had a vision from the start, but Terror Films did what a great partner should do; it helped us expand that vision. We look forward to unleashing something genuinely creepy on audiences.”
Terror Films is planning a wide ancillary release across all major Digital, EST and VOD platforms in 2017 and will be reworking all previously released art and trailers.
ABOUT TERROR FILMS:
Terror Films is a Los Angeles based distribution label with a focus on horror, sci-Fi and thriller films. Distribution outlets include: DVD, EST, VOD and all major streaming outlets. Their first film The Chosen, starring YouTube Sensation Kian Lawley, remained in the Top 100 of Horror Films on iTunes for 8 consecutive weeks upon its release. Their second film Trace opened exclusively on Redbox in all 40,000 locations, followed by a wide ancillary release. The label recently released the award winning film Landmine Goes Click on DVD. This label is gearing up to release an impressive slate over the next 5 months of 2016, including their original anthology Patient Seven starring Michael Ironside and Jack Plotnick, the documentary Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary, The House on Pine Street, The Dark Stranger, Hell House LLC and House of Purgatory.The company is repped by Michael Sherman of Reed Smith LLP.
For more information on Terror Films, go to: www.terrorfilms.net