Gross Movie Reviews #529
Steel Frontier (DVD) – This under the radar film is a post-apocalyptic western flick from 1995 that stars the likes of Kane Hodder, Brion James, and Bo Svenson. The general and his ‘Death Riders’ roll into a town called ‘New Hope’. The general is there for a shave and just to take over the small refinery town as they have made use of used tires for fuel. The residents have a choice to die or become a part of the new United Regime. Meanwhile, “Space Jesus” aka Yuma is caught out in the wasteland after he killed several men and brought into town but joins forces with the new army. From there Yuma slowly kills off the evil force from within in hopes of saving the town of New Hope. The film has a bootleg Blackjack Mulligan, the great war is called ‘The Boom’, and lots of awesome stunts but what takes the luster off of this gem is the last climatic chase scene. We get a school bus chased by an 18-wheeler and eventually the 18-wheeler drives right through the fucking thing in a huge explosion that should have killed everyone but didn’t. Also it feels the character of Yuma aka Space Jesus was a little inconsistent of why he was actually there but I liked it enough I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Night Sitter (DVD) – Amber seems like your usual cute twenty-something babysitter who shows up at Ted Hooper’s house to watch his son Kevin for the night. Ted Hooper: Paranormal Investigator makes sure Amber knows about him thus setting up Amber to steal him blind once he leaves. Meanwhile Kevin has a secret that he has horrible dreams that haunt him that he calls “the three”. With his so-called friend Ronald’s help they break into his father’s office and find a book that has the three figures from Kevin’s dreams and they are called “The Three Mothers”. The kids accidentally unleash an evil they are unprepared for as Amber’s incompetent friends or accomplices fool around when they should be stealing everything. Now trapped in the house Amber and Kevin find out they have a bond while everyone that is in both of their lives except the dumb neighbor who knows everything about witches is a piece of shit. This bond helps Amber and Kevin get through the night. If you like stuff like ‘Satanic Panic’ and ‘We Summon the Darkness’ you should enjoy this for what it is as I give it 3 stars.
Bloodbath at the House of Death (DVD) – A British spoof of horror films that stars Vincent Price as a leader of a satanic cult. One night in 1975 18 people were murdered, ten years later two scientists are heading out to Headstone Manor to investigate what exactly happened. Once there weird things keep happening to the scientists and others who are staying there. Meanwhile Vincent Price and his cult followers are concerned since Satan is supposed to arrive that evening so they choose to kill everyone there. The film sports a very dry humor so this can be a hit or miss for horror fans but I gotta say I laughed my ass off at the scene where a woman has her head cut off with a can opener and the parody of ‘Carrie’ was fun as I give the film 2 ½ stars.
B-Movie: The Shooting of “Farmhouse Massacre” (DVD) – A 2002 mockumentary about two independent filmmakers making a low budget film called, ‘Farmhouse Massacre’. Vito and Marcus are two young men who believed they were making the best B-horror flick ever. Vito is all about making ‘massacre’ videos while Marcus is all about producing the film. The film has someone interviewing Vito and Marcus throughout the film to talk about all the events that led up to the film being made, the cuts they had to make, dealing with actors, girls not doing nudity, etc., including the lack of script they are working with. It’s a fun little film that made me laugh a couple times and has some fun appearances from actors: Debbie Rochon, Suzi Lorraine, and Jasi Cotton Lanier. The mockumentary has its moments but the best mockumentary I have seen to date is Justin Channell’s ‘Winners Tape All: The Henderson Brothers Story’ as I give this film 2 ½ stars. If interested the DVD is still in print and can be purchased through Amazon.
Exit 101: Halloween Party Massacre (DVD) – In 1969 a couple scientists come up with a formula that turns humans into zombies but not wanting it to get out they hide it in a rocket. Present Day 2011, the rocket was never launched and sits in this small southern town where some college friends are hanging out near it. A prank played by a young man name Caleb has him drink the secret formula that wasn’t supposed to be something else to prank his buddy. Certain changes happen to Caleb quickly causing him hunger and he feasts on the pizza guy which then causes the zombie infestation to spread. Weird thing is Caleb only drank the formula so he isn’t full-zombie. But he can cause problems as his blood lust increases. But the bigger focus is who is going to the big Halloween party, zombie problem or not? The film had locations, some funds behind it, heart, but not sure they really had a full script as it really felt like it could have been split into two different films especially again a very long running time (110 minutes) was making it drag along. No matter what I was glad I got to track this one down as I give it 2 stars.
Monster Hunter (DVD) – Milla Jovovich is the head of a Special Forces team that is out looking for Bravo Team in the desert. They find tracks but they disappear at these strange stones. A storm comes by and throws the team into a different dimension/the new world. Unsure of where they are they are quickly attacked by a large horned creature that lives beneath the sand. If that wasn’t enough the team must fight giant spiders that live underground. Only with the help of Tony Jaa is Captain Artemis (Milla) able to escape and become a prisoner (think Enemy Mine). The two lost in this New World finally are found by a pirate played by Ron Perlman and the only way back home is fighting a dragon that is almost impossible to kill and destroy the Sky Tower. Supposedly this Sky Tower thingy is causing a rip between worlds and needs to be shutdown. This fantasy film doesn’t fake what it is an entertaining monster film for cosplayers and people that like the newer Godzilla films. An action-filled popcorn film that won’t make you overthink the plot as I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Victorville Massacre (DVD) – A group of friends head to Victorville for a Labor Day party weekend completely ignoring the knowledge that the small town has had a dozen murders in the past couple of weeks… Yep, let’s party! The friends show up at a house that was bought cheap because of the murders and want to why they are all now being stalked in the home by a masked killer. I give filmmaker Riley Wood kudos for trying to give the bloated Indy slasher genre a twist but he wrote one too many twists in the script that causes it to be a little confusing and one twist too many as I give the film 2 stars.
Small Town Massacre (DVD) – The 1981 film is also known as ‘Strange Behavior’ but it might be best known as ‘Dead Kids’. Pete is having trouble convincing his father about college and really wants to go to Galesburg College. So when he has a chance to make extra money there through his friend (Jimmy Olsen) he jumps at being a part of a supposedly safe science experiment. First night he is given a pill that makes him smarter and he picks up a pretty young woman who works at the lab and goes to college there. The next session he is strapped to a table and takes a foot long needle to the eyeball and told to go kill his father all because some deranged scientist has figured out mind control. The movie is worth watching for a few laughs but of course there is much better ‘experimenting on humans’ horror films out there as I give it 2 stars. Surprised this isn’t some kind of weird public domain title but can easily be found in several formats.
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