Gross Movie Reviews #284
By Tim Gross
Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (DVD) – A little sickly of a horror film about a woman that has been raped and abused way too many times in an insane asylum. She is pregnant and the baby goes full term but the doctors tell her the baby didn’t make it. She then goes on a bloody rampage and it becomes an urban legend in a small town where the high school students over the years pull pranks, tell stories of it, and go to parties. But one person, Bill Moseley’s character who plays the town drunk/cemetery groundskeeper claims the urban legend of Mary Hatchet coming back as a ghost one night a year looking for her baby is true. When some high school students go to Mary’s grave to perform a half ass ritual then go home to party they begin dying quickly. The special effects look great for what you can see of them because most of them are hidden by darkness as the director apparently didn’t believe in having lights on set. If Bill’s slightly creepy performance is not enough then Danielle Harris’s rather dark role will keep you interested even if the film is poorly lit. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.
The Ugly (DVD) – A rather pleasantly cool serial killer film that focuses more on why the killer kills than trying to catch the killer. As the serial killer has been caught already and has been the subject of abuse and being in restraints for the past six years as he brutally killed several people for what seem like no reason at all before he was declared insane. The only reason he gives for the murders is ‘The Ugly’ makes him do it and he murders to keep them quiet for so long. A young doctor whose last case was all over the press wants to investigate further into the killer’s psyche to prove maybe he doesn’t deserve a death sentence but needs to understand him in order to prove he is a changed man. There are a couple cool brutal scenes in the film but the film relies more on the psychological part as the patient and doctor go through past murders and learn about ‘The Ugly’. I give the film 2 ½ stars.
Mil Mascaras: Resurrection (DVD) – The Jeff Burr film can also be found under the title Mil Mascaras vs. The Aztec Mummy. If you ever have seen a Santo film from the 60s and 70s you get pretty much the same thing here with the biggest difference being Mil Mascaras being the all-knowing, scientist, detective, all-star wrestler who must stop an ancient mummy. It is a craptastic film filled with bad dubbing, zombies in robes, vampire models, luchadors fighting evil, Richard Lynch as the president of the United States, Harley Race and P.J. Soles being special judges at a tag team match that involves El Santo Jr. and Mil Mascaras. I don’t believe the film is ever to be taken seriously but it is a wonderful find if you enjoyed Santo and Blue Demon films of the past? I give the film 2 stars.
Wreck-it Ralph (DVD) – A wonderful constructed film about a video game villain named Wreck-it Ralph that has had enough of be thrown off a building every day and living on a brick pile instead of the penthouse apartment like all the other characters in the same game. Ralph decides to leave the game to get a medal so he’ll be accepted by the people who live in the apartment building he has to wreck in every game. Along the way Ralph encounters hundreds of video game characters we all know and love and enters a military vs. alien bugs game that he is able to get a medal but loses it in another game where he meets a little girl who changes how he feels about falling off a building for the past thirty years. The film is made with the love of arcade games and video game systems and really shows off their nerd’em when they include the Pac-Man ghost ‘Clyde’ and Bowser from Super Mario Bros. Anybody that is under 45 will enjoy laughing at this flick as I did as I give it 3 stars.
End of the World (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Oh shit yeah sci-fi fans SyFy Channel has a winner here as the film centers around a group of video store clerks who have just happen to watch every apocalypse film ever made and the world is going to end. But all their retarded knowledge apocalyptic films might not be enough so go to the local insane asylum to break out a popular sci-fi writer Walter Brown played by no other Brad Dourif who claims he was put there by the Department of Defense after he wanted to blow the whistle on them only wanting to protect the rich. Between the video clerks and Walter Brown they may just save the planet if they can get a call to a general in the D.O.D. to explain to him he needs to blow up some of Russia with a nuke to save the planet? Anything with Brad Dourif is usually good and adding nerds saving the planet you have SyFy Channel gold here I as I give the film 3 stars.
Knock Knock 2 (DVD) – Some dumb ass white people who go exploring Hollywood for ghosts and where celebrities died of strange deaths one night decide it’s smart to enter a boarded up home that isn’t on their map of the stars. If you enjoy shaky-cam, boring dialogue, and dumb twenty-something white people for 80 minutes then punch yourself in the face… Then every time you see copies of this film steal it and burn a watchable film over it! I really want to unwatch this film if it was ever possible or I’ll just hit myself in the head with a hammer over and over until I do. I give the flick nothing… Fuck the filmmaker should give me money just admitting I watched and reviewed the film.
The Evil Clergyman (DVD) – A lost and forgotten film of Empire Pictures/Full Moon Pictures history has been found again after 26 years. There has been stories, myths, articles of the film existing but up until recently it was truly believed it was lost. The film negative never completely finished disappeared according to Charles Band when a film house closed that was housing the film. Hell, I believe I remember reading a story about this film years ago in Fangoria magazine. But recently Charles Band found a VHS work print of the anthology that was originally called, “Pulse Pounders” that had three short films. The first was The Evil Clergyman based on a H.P. Lovecraft story, the second was Trancers 1.5, and the other was a sequel to a film called The Dugeonmaster. This 29 minute film clearly shows it was from a VHS transfer but with music and some finishing touches it brings the life the story of a woman who revisits a castle where her and a man of god had some kinky and sensual times together before the priest hung himself. The woman played by Barbara Crampton is sadden by being alone but is visited by the ghost of Jonathon (Jeffrey Combs) to tempt her to hang herself as he did. But she is visited by David Warner warning her about Jonathon wanting her soul and a creepy rat played by David Gale that just seems to creep the living fuck out of Crampton’s character. It is a fun 80s tale of Lovecraft creepiness that crosses elements of Re-Animator and From Beyond, brought to life by a great cast and Charles Band directing. If the anthology would have been released in 1988 before it was lost there is no doubt horror fans would have cherished this anthology just for this segment alone. But the horror fan inside of me is just excited to see a great piece of lost film that had Combs as an evil priest, Warner as an undead priest with a warning, Crampton’s perfect performance as usual, plus her naked butt, and David Gale as a freakish sick rat that kisses Combs’ character! The icing for this flick was special make-up effects done by John Carl Buechler who is just a cool bad ass dude! I give it 4 out of 4 stars and be purchased at www.fullmoondirect.com and info on how it all came together in the archives of the website www.fullmoonhorror.com .
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