Gross Movie Reviews #451

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Gross Movie Reviews #451

 

Stanley (DVD) – Tim is a peaceful Indian who got drafted into the Vietnam War and is now back home in the everglades just trying to enjoy life his way. He finds peace with snakes he calls friends. Tim is very good at catching poisonous snakes and takes them to some Miami doctors so they can use their venom for anti-venom. But recently some poachers have been killing the snakes off nearby for their skins. Tim and his best friend Stanley the snake doesn’t take kindly to this and begin a fight with the poachers. A very weird early 70s film has that feel of “Frogs” and maybe “Squirm”. This lesser known flick does fit the tone of a “Deathdream” and other flicks of that era for that I give it 2 ½ stars. There is a lot of cool extras also worth tracking this disc down.

 

Eye of the Devil (DVD) – An old school black and white flick from the 60s that stars Donald Pleasence as the family priest! Do I need to say more? Some rich dude is called back home because the family vineyard is dying and some evil shit needs to go down for the vineyard to thrive again. I give the film 2 stars and Mr. Pleasence 4 stars as usual.

 

The Killing of Satan (DVD) – Another crazy ass film from the Philippines where a man is chosen to battle evil and eventually Satan. He must defeat Satan for the release of his daughter! The dude’s name is Lando, people are shooting laser beams from their hands and eyes, and apparently there are boulders that weigh less than air being thrown around. I really wanted to enjoy this film but fell asleep twice. I only give the film 1 ½ stars but totally believe this needs to be watched in a setting with beer and a group of people.

 

The Last Halloween (YouTube) – A lost TV show from NBC that only played once in October 1991. Get this folks the show stars Rhea Perlman, Richard Moll, and had Savage Steve Holland directing. Think of a cut up episode of “Goosebumps” that involves Martians landing in a small town looking for ‘cooby’ aka candy on Halloween night. The appeal of this never knowing it existed like the “Grinch Halloween” as I give this 2 stars.

 

Tank Girl (DVD) – This 1995 mess of a flick is what feeds the 90s being a bad decade for films. Oh this post-apocalyptic flick is total mess but after reading the bio and other information that has come out about the film over the years this film was a shell of what should have happened. Anyway it is 2033 and several years ago a comet hit Earth and made most of the water dry up. Now, a corporation called “W&P” and run by Malcolm McDowell own what is left of the water and will do anything it takes to ensure that. But Tank Girl or Lori Petty isn’t going to sit idly by it let them take what belongs to the people. Now remember folks this was a comic book movie made before “Guardians of the Galaxy” so studios didn’t give much effort to cult projects such as this or I should allow them to be themselves? I am not a Lori Petty fan but do not see anyone else at that time that would have pulled off the role. Also knowing what I know while watching this flick again it is ashame but it is still a bad movie mess as I give it 1 star. Maybe the project would have had a better chance now than then? Or it just needed the studio to let the crew do their thing… who knows?

 

Gunhed (VHS) – Here is a random B-movie from Toho Productions that was supposedly a “Godzilla” project in the early stages because of a contest. One thing led to another and it became something else as it set somewhere past 2025 on an island called ‘8-JO’. It is an island that is run by a supercomputer (Kyron-5) that became self-aware and declared war on humanity July 4, 2025. Over a year later the great ‘Robot War’ is still raging and computer chips are the new gold of Earth. Now as a Gunhed battalion launches its last attack on the island thieves are trying to swoop in and gather computer chips. The machines help kill off several characters quickly it’s up to a mechanic, a Texas Ranger, and two kids to stop Kyron-5 from restarting and taking over the world. It’s a Japanese version of the “Terminator” world with a little Full Moon “Robot Wars” thrown in as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Return of the Vampire (DVD) – A 1943 film that intrigue me for the mere reason it was supposed to be a sequel to 1932’s “Dracula”. It even starred Bela Lugosi as the vampire. Problem was this film was made by Columbia Pictures and the original was made by Universal Studios who were about to unleash some legal kick ass on the company for the project. So Columbia Pictures changed all the characters names including Bela as he was known as Armand Tesla. He is a vampire that haunts a family in 1918 and then believed to be killed and buried. But he is disturbed by a WWII bomb over 20 years later and his stake removed so he can haunt the same family again. Pretty cool vampire stuff worth watching if you are a Lugosi fan and a vamp flick fan as I give it 3 stars.

Leaf Blower Massacre 2 (DVD) – Anthony Cooney has returned with a sequel to his 2012 tribute to “Nailgun Massacre”. This time around it is a full feature not a short but both are now available on the same DVD. The masked killer with a leaf blower has returned and the bodies are piling up. Two detectives are stumped of who could be the murderer until the only conclusion they can come to is that a teacher Mr. Jennings knows them all. Even with Mr. Jennings as the main suspect students are still dying to detectives’ disbelief. The film has three scenes that make this a success in my eyes: leaf blower to the girl’s front garage, the killer with leaf blower wanders through a death metal gig and no questions, and I get my death by nails scene! Mr. Cooney sir I give you 3 ½ out of 4 stars for this greatness.

 

Cry of the Werewolf (DVD) – There is a legend about a woman named Marie Latour who turned into a wolf and killed her husband years ago. Immediately after she disappeared and has lived among the gypsies as their queen. Now a professor has been researching the legend and may have found the answers they all had been looking for to prove the legend of Marie Latour. So Ms. Latour goes back to her old estate to stop Doctor Morris and along the way may have found new love. But her new love is soon to be married so she turns the fiancée into follower of hers to help protect the legend of the wolf but again kill the soon to be husband. Fun stuff about werewolf movie lure like this film is the first film to feature a woman as a werewolf as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Mutilation Massacre (DVD) – A short film from Derek Braasch about a young woman who goes on a serious murdering spree after her father decides to remarry. The crazy bitch even goes all “Stepfather” and shit and gets facial reconstruction to change her appearance. But a bitter family member is not fooled! Check out Stephanie the serial killer at www.cheeviesfilms.com as I give the short film 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

An Hour to Kill (DVD) – The latest project from independent filmmaker Aaron K. Carter is an anthology that the center pieces are hitmen. Gio – a grizzled vet and Frankie – the newbie are working together but the boss Mr. Kinski believes there is a leak within the organization. The boss gives Gio the new job and wants it done in an hour. So the two drive to a location for the hit and share horror stories: one features five women and a Nazi bunker, a second story about a prank gone wrong, third story about what you got to do to make the bowling team? And of course the wrap around are the two hitmen and their boss. A well-rounded, entertaining, and no weak parts in this anthology from Rotten Productions that made me laugh quite a few times as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. For more details or purchase a copy: AMAZON: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JMN34GR

TRAILER: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5as7mXJPrvA&t=2s

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details and upcoming guests.

 

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Gross Movie Reviews #412

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Gross Movie Reviews #412

 

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – It took me awhile to watch this reboot of the franchise but for good reason as I am a fan of the originals and the Mark Wahlberg abomination of the early 2000s. But I heard enough good things and decided I thought it was time to give this movie a chance. And guess what this newer version is pretty good as James Franco is a scientist who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s. After many failed tests a female monkey shows promise of improved brain function, etc. When he has a presentation the monkey loses its shit because it is protecting its baby and is put down after the incident. Franco’s character takes the baby chimp home and he continues his research as he eventually tests it on his own father and it works. Along the way Caesar is learning at an incredible rate and knows sign language while Franco’s father is doing great. Several years pass the disease comes back and it gets the father and Caesar in trouble. Caesar is taken away and he begins his uprising of apes at an abusive sanctuary while viral monkey flu happens when testing continues on monkeys and a human is exposed. The movie ends as it becomes a signal of the fall of man. I enjoyed this version as it went out of its way to separate itself from the originals but keep the heart of what made them good. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (DVD) – This sequel picks up several years after Caesar and the apes went into the woods to live away from mankind. During that time mankind all over the world has fallen because of the monkey flu. San Francisco is in ruins and what is left of the people who live there send a group of people into the woods looking for a dam. If they can fix it they can restore power to the city to stay alive. But the apes will not let it happen as they do not want humans near their home. It’s been a couple years since the apes seen one and was starting to believe all humans had died? In dire need of power a group of humans from the city go back and talk to Caesar to convince him this is the best and most peaceful solution. But just like humans the apes do not trust the other and one plans on killing Caesar making it look like the humans killed him. Caesar always believed apes were better but learns the hard way as both human and ape survivors lose their homes in a fight in the ruins of San Francisco. Caesar gathers the apes to leave knowing a war is coming as a military force has been finally contacted thus setting up the new sequel “War”. I give this sequel 3 stars as it was just enjoyable as the first film.

 

Lunarcop (VHS) – This relatively unknown 1995 Michael Pare flick was also known as “Solar Force” in some countries. Michael Pare is Joe Brody and it is 2050 A.D. as Joe is a policeman on a space station where humans are trying to restart life on earth. Several years back “The Big Burn” happened forcing what’s left of the human race to this space station or the rich people. There are rumors of savages on earth but the goal is to shoot this invention into the atmosphere to restart life on earth until it is stolen by rebels. So Joe must go to earth for the first time ever to retrieve this item. He hangs with the savages as he saves people from the evil Billy Drago who just wants to destroy nearby villages. When Joe is convinced he doesn’t need to return to space with the item a cyborg is sent for his destruction. I give the film 2 ½ stars as you can never have enough Michael Pare in your life.

 

Dracula 3-D (DVD) – This well criticized version of Dracula comes from the horror mind of Dario Argento. My main reasoning for watching this movie is Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing. But even Hauer’s presence cannot help this lackluster version of the popular vampire. Yeah there is some cool scenes full of practical gore but the transformation scenes of Dracula are completely laughable as they are digital and look like total shit. For me at least the movie is watchable but nothing in the movie makes you want to pop this bad boy in the DVD player again? I give this not so great version of Dracula 1 ½ stars.

 

5-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Apparently San Juan has a shark problem and the shark mutates to have a fifth head coming from its ass! A professor and her interns are talked into searching for the beast by a money grubbing boss guy in San Juan. Once the interns begin to become lunch for the shark the professor turns to an old boyfriend for help as the local authorities don’t know if they can defeat the mutant shark either. Nothing to exciting but the shark does have a head on its ass giving a new meaning to “ass to mouth”! I couldn’t let that one go as I give this somewhat boring flick 1 star.

 

Mississippi River Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Random sharks come down the river to begin attacking a fishing contest. A contest that stars Jason London to send the fishermen and women out to the river and to sign autographs because of his action star status. Nowhere near the best of the SyFy Channel shark films but it is pretty entertaining for most of the movie as Jason London plays himself and we you get a couple of locals in the movie trying to catch fish/sharks with a tow truck. Fun stuff for those of us that have pretty much watched every shark movie that has come down the film pike… I give this shark flick 2 stars.

 

Trailer Park Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Great title, great concept, has an odd looking Tara Reid (eat a fucking burger woman), a little lean on characters but remember the title. Some rich asshole owns some land where some rednecks have their trailers at. He can’t get rid of them legally so he hires a guy to go blow up a levy that will flood the trailer park. Meanwhile some of the trailer park folk have figured a way to steal electric from the nearby levy. Levy blows up, takes out the trailer park and a few people, but a shark arrives also to attack the survivors. It is B-movie trash but has enough laughs to keep you entertained as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Toxic Shark (SyFy Channel/DVD) – A reality show throws up on an island for young single men and women to get drunk and hook up. Problem is the water is toxic and has affected a local shark that now spits green shit from its heads that burns you like acid; its bite can turn you into a zombie of sorts, and still tries to eat you. Horrible concept and that is a lot for me to say as it gets boring quickly. The only thing that can save this movie is if “Shark Exorcist” would have come and helped. This movie can go suck the poop from my butt as this movie was beyond terrible as I give it 0 stars. But hey, on the bright side let’s all hope for a sequel to “Shark Exorcist”!

 

Circus Kane (Vimeo/DVD) – An old famous horror host/circus entertainer named Circus Kane disappeared after a violent incident took place at his circus over twenty years ago. A couple decades have passed and some so-called social media stars or to be more specific media stars of the horror community receive a random text from the icon Circus Kane. Declaring he is back with a vengeance and the individuals that are receiving the text have a “once in a lifetime chance at $250,000”. All the social media stars have to do is show up at a location at a certain time and they will be taken to the Circus Kane event. Once there they realize they are at Circus Kane’s mansion which has been redone for the stars to make their way through the scary maze. And just to give the event that extra flare, everything that happens to the guests while in the maze is being filmed to be posted on their social media pages. It is a fun and bloody time directed by Christopher Ray and written by the duo of James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward. So some thinking went into this low budget project that also sports a cameo from Richard Moll (who by the way looks a lot like Angus Scrimm now) and a twist for the three to maybe revisit the Circus Kane character again. The movie has its drawbacks but the pace of the film is quick and entertaining and I absolutely love the concept of the horror version of the social media stars wanting in on the big bucks. For that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.poolpartymassacre.com .

 

Empire of the Sharks (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Another attempt from Asylum Entertainment trying to do a “Waterworld” type of movie with sharks and we have John Savage as a warlord who owns the ocean. Savage’s character is building a machine that will produce fresh water without the help of humans and brutalizes nearby floating villages for slaves and tributes. There latest attack they kidnap a blonde girl who unknown to them her father was a shark caller or shark thingy? Whatever, she can talk to sharks basically. When her friends are being attacked when they try to rescue her Savage and others try to read her mind so they can harness her power. This power could rule the world or what’s left of it?  Just like last year’s effort this fizzles out into a boring mess of a shark movie that needs more time or effort to even think of pulling off to make it remotely good. I give this shark flick 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html