Gross Movie Reviews #406

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Gross Movie Reviews #406

 

Wild Card (DVD) – Jason Statham plays a security consultant named Nick Wild in Vegas. He helps protect rich people when in town playing the slots or hitting the town. Nick is known throughout Vegas and is respected but he wants out of the scene but always finds him broke and still doing jobs. Things change when he takes a job protecting a boring dude  and the guy just wants to know what is it like being a consultant and Wild’s girlfriend gets beat up by a wanna be mobster. She wants revenge and wants Wild’s help to do it. The movie is and not in ways your typical Statham action flick. A couple cool cameos but the film focuses more Nick Wild not getting out of Vegas than him just busting skulls on a regular basis. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Ambulance (VHS/YouTube) – First let me just thank Jon Cross for digging this beautiful unknown feature out of obscurity. A Larry Cohen flick about a man played by Eric Roberts who works for Stan Lee by the way who obsesses over a woman he sees at lunch everyday but hasn’t talked too. So he does today and she has an issue after trying to shake off Roberts for several blocks and paramedics pick her up to rush her to the hospital or so it seems. Roberts’s character searches all the New York hospitals and nothing. Again obsessed he tries to track down what happened to her exactly. James Earl Jones who plays a police detective gets sucked into the mystery when Eric Roberts keeps popping up at disappearances talking about a strange ambulance picking up victims with diabetes. Just another example of Cohen’s work being brilliant as I give this must-see obscure flick 3 stars.

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (DVD) – A “USA Up All Night” staple that came from Troma in 1989 that will forever be known for having Billy Bob Thornton before he was famous and the fun Don Calfa. A woman biker gang (Cycle Sluts) arrive in a small town of Zariah looking to get laid and cause chaos! Unbeknownst to the young motorcycle ladies Don Calfa aka Ralph has been experimenting with humans and turning them into zombies. He hides or imprisons them in the old mine where he found some nuclear shit that he uses on unsuspecting humans to make them zombies. After eating a kid the zombies have broken loose and want to feast on the town. The only people that can help the small town survive are the Cycle Sluts! Bikers vs. Zombies! This simple but great Troma flick doesn’t get as much press as some of the other popular Troma titles but is a 4 star film all the way!

 

Garbage Pail Kids (DVD) – Finally after many years I sat down to watch this flick that I thought I would have seen in its heyday? I was 10 or 11 and collected the original Garbage Pail Kids cards. I have a dresser that holds extra shit in my basement with some these stickers still on it! But somehow I missed there even being a movie out in 1986 that starred these fun gross things. When I first stumbled upon this movie existing in the mid-90s I thought it was a joke but so did everyone else when it was released in the 80s. Thought to be a massive failure, it wasn’t as the budget was only a million bucks and most of that went to costumes and effects of the Garbage Pail Kids who built by John Carl Buechler. The creations or locked in a magical garbage can in antique store where a teenager works for a crazy weird dude who tells stories constantly. One day being bullied the garbage can falls over and oozes out and poof we have several Garbage Pail Kids! They help the young teenager get over being bullied and try to impress a girl. In return the kid must go find the supposedly other Garbage Pail Kids who were taken away for being “ugly”. Watching it now and thinking back to when these were big in the mid-80s I still would like to know whose idea it was to make this a movie because there really wasn’t a backstory to these cards to begin with. They appeared one day and became part of 80s pop culture for a short period of time. But reading into why this wasn’t a bigger budget film and its issues it had coming to the big screen I would have loved to see John Carl Buechler’s vision of this being a horror movie. Now that would have been a much better movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Zombie Fight Club (Blu-ray) – How to best put this movie is it’s like ten zombie movie concepts all jammed into one. Or a better description would be ‘The Raid’ meets ‘The Horde’ with some CGI but a ton of gore. More than anything this movie reminds me of a violent anime cartoon come to the big screen. Tough sell but another worthwhile flick for the zombie film die hard out there as I give it 2 stars.

 

Don’t Breathe (Blu-ray) – So it is Detroit and a threesome of young hoodlums wanna break into bootleg ‘Blind Fury’ Rutger Hauer’s house? Supposedly he got a huge settlement a few years back and is just sitting on it. One of the hoodlum’s father works for the security firm that protects and put in all the alarms for what’s left of Detroit. They use this to get in and get out clean of places. But this is different once inside because bootleg Rutger Hauer ain’t having any this breaking in bullshit and just happens to be keeping a teenage girl chained up in his basement! I wasn’t super impressed by the movie but at least entertained and understood this movie was literally directed to the 16 -25 age bracket… For that I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Besetment (DVD/Vimeo) – A young woman named Amanda is in a tough spot. Having a tough time finding a job, mom acts like she is still a drunken teenager, and Amanda wants to move out. Amanda gets a weird phone call from a woman for a hotel about 160 miles away. She of course goes there to take the job at the Oregon Hotel. All goes well until the mom/son combo freak out and are pissed she went out for the night around town. Now they have her tied to the bed, impregnate her; sew her mouth shut as mom has plans for Amanda and her son. The film is shot wonderful, the characters are great, enjoyed the effort put into the project but we have seen this story before and sometimes it can be only told so many times? I give the movie 2 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Safari 3000 (DVD) – Eddie Miles is a US stunt car driver looking for a ride in the African race called “Safari 3000”. J.J. Dalton is a reporter for Playboy magazine who is covering the race but needs a race car and a driver to get her around the course for the story. Together they steal an engine and try to avoid traps set by Christopher Lee and his associate during the race to finish it and get the story. Eddie Miles is played by David Carradine in this entertaining bootleg of a bootleg of “Cannonball Run” and Roger Corman had nothing to do with this flick as I give it 2 stars.

 

Screams of a Winter Night (VHS/YouTube) – A late 70s thriller about several friends go to an old cabin to tell stories to scare each other. Or the movie I am going to put on now when I have trouble sleeping because this shit was horribly boring! Avoid unless you have trouble sleeping as I give it zero stars.

 

Alien: Covenant (Theater) – Believe me I am still torn that they decided it was better to do prequels instead of sequels but I wanna see these alien creatures fuck people up. These movie creatures have always gotten my imagination rolling with where or what they could do next? But saying that, this film picks up ten years after the forgettable ‘Prometheus’ and a ship is out there with 2000 colonists that happen to get a rogue call or image from a nearby planet. They investigate their options as they are carrying 2000 colonists. Go check out this planet that was somehow overlooked by the company during scans or continue their voyage to this planet that is still over 7 years away in space travel? Of course they go to this planet and find it habitable until a couple crew members get sick and these creatures pop out of them and start attacking the crew on the ground. Then a dark figure happens to come by and help and it’s the android from the Prometheus and explains somewhat what happened… sort of? I am still mixed on the film for the mere fact it tries to explain where and how the aliens are made but also I can watch 28 different versions of “Aliens” movies and still come back for more. The film will still leave fans questioning some things but I do prefer this more than the last prequel. But for the love of Lance Henriksen gimme fucking sequels 20th Century Fox! The stories don’t have to connect just give me an “Aliens” flick every two years? I don’t hate it, I don’t love it but glad I checked it out at the theater as I give it 2 stars.

 

Scared Shitless (DVD) – Jim Roberts gave me a couple movies from his early filmmaking days and this is one of them as he teamed up with another young dude in Travis Schaffer to make a movie about a killer named “The Red Reaper”. Jim Jones lost his mother and sister to this “Red Reaper” a year ago and tonight is the anniversary and just wants some help from his friends. The friends show up, some fun poker playing begins, order the pizza, and then the killing also begins. As the killer is back trying to kill Jim Jones all because a pet fish died! Between that and seeing a young Jim Roberts in braces making one of his first projects entertained me. Now it isn’t “Mummy Sleepover Massacre” but still enough fun to watch as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Mark of Insanity (DVD) – Is another project from a younger Jim Roberts and his filmmaking buddy Travis Schafer where this story takes place at a Western Shop. A young guy named Wayne is quiet and just likes to be left alone to do his work. But after being picked on constantly about his family history and anything they can think of he snaps. After Jim has been pushed past his limits is when a masked killer shows up to start killing employees off. We even get a Leatherface dance from the masked killer in the film. Not as good as ‘Scared Shitless’ but still worth the watch to see the passion in Jim and others to get the project finished and out there. I give this Indy flick 1 ½ out of 4stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #404

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Gross Movie Reviews #404

 

Primal Force (DVD/YouTube) – A 1999 TV “UPN” premiere film that pits Ron Perlman versus genetically-engineered monkeys! Mr. Perlman plays a character named Brodie who had a run in with these mutations on an island outside of Mexico. Ten years ago, Brodie and some others were brought in to be guides to the rich who wanted to hunt big game, but not just any big game. Some crazy ass scientist is playing god and has someone funding him to give them bad ass animals for the hunt and the island. A few rich people get killed during the hunts and the monkeys who were experimental were supposed to die but instead became the hunters as they grew smarter and took over the island. Brodie barely escaped but is still haunted by the nightmares of the event. But Brodie must go back as he is approached to be a guide for a rescue team as a plane has crashed in the middle of this uninhabited island. From there it becomes Ron Perlman versus bad ass monkeys and it is fucking glorious stuff! Don’t walk but run to see this rather unknown gem as I give it 3 ½ stars. This film is further proof that I believe people are sucking movie ideas from my head while I sleep???

 

Deep Space (VHS/YouTube) – Horror fans this isn’t that that weird sci-fi flick that stars Charles Napier that took forever to show up on any format outside of VHS in 1989/1990… This is that Marc Singer sci-fi feature where he plays Commander Krieger and receives a distress call from some scientists. Yes folks, this is the reason I exist so I can watch it so you don’t have too! But moving on when Krieger and his cheap ass robot show up to rescue the scientists not all feel it’s an emergency? They just happen to be messing with a mutated virus which has mutated again into a cheap looking but effective alien creature that wants to fuck up humans. What is interesting about the creature is it’s made up of every disease known to man so all it has to do is touch you to kill you. That’s some fucked up cool shit for a B-movie. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blue Monkey (VHS/YouTube) – John Vernon just happens to run a hospital that just so happens to be testing a laser thingy? Well of course some old dude gets pricked by a foreign plant at his woman’s greenhouse that basically gives him a heart attack and a weird bacterial infection. The infection eventually sends the hospital into lockdown which randomly has Joe Flaherty from SCTV and his pregnant movie wife at the hospital trying to give birth. It has nothing to do with the story but come on we all love Joe! Meanwhile Steve Railsback and a doctor are trying to track down the infection that has mutated into a creature with a Nintendo gun… That is before the government just runs and burns the place to the ground because they consider it a “Class 4 Quarantine”. The 1987 film was also known as ‘The Insect’ but let’s be honest I don’t think many horror fans knew or cared about this lackluster horror film as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Hectic Knife (DVD) – Let’s be honest folks most of us are Troma fans and we know Troma pretty much has become a distributor of independent films. Hey Troma has to survive just like any other small movie company. 99% of the time the newer Troma stuff that is released is to make them money and keep them afloat and really doesn’t have anything to do with the Troma legacy? Well folks, I am to say ‘Hectic Knife’ is a different but Troma-like film that has come out of nowhere. The film is about a new knife-swinging superhero named ‘Hectic Knife’. He kills rapists, gangsters, junkies, but like the rest of us normal people he has to pay bills, needs a roommate, struggles with all the killing, and no girlfriend. But when ‘Hectic Knife’ comes into contact with a professional baddie named ‘The Piggly Doctor’ he must risk his own life to defeat this new baddie. Hilarious over-the-top violence, bad jokes, bagels, a hippie, and the vibe the film gives off while watching it is like the stuff of second generation Troma films. Let me explain: first generation is “Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘em High”, second generation is “Tromeo and Juliet and Sgt. Kabukiman”. It fits in with the 90s Troma stuff which is a good thing. The movie just has that Troma vibe that makes you wonder if Lloyd may have been on set. Troma should be more than happy adding this feature to this their library it’s one of the few flicks that understand what Troma is all about and for that I am thankful! I give this fun flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars and definitely one of the better films of 2017! Go get it now folks www.troma.com as there isn’t enough good things I can say about this independent flick.

 

Angel Heart (DVD) – Robert DeNiro is the devil and Lisa Bonet gets banged to death so bad the “Cosby Show” shunned her and her movie career. This weird voodoo/film noir flick gets 2 stars. The film keeps you interested until it ends and leaves questioning why?

 

Jocks (DVD) – Completely forgetting this Donald Gibb flick exists, shame on me. Decided to wander down “Tim Gross USA Up All Night” memory lane and rewatch this hilarious stupid sex comedy that sat on the shelf for over a year before its release. Richard Roundtree is the coach of a tennis team that is a bit unorthodox but wins a lot of matches and they are in Vegas for the championships. Boobs, booze, and Donald Gibb nailing a dude in the balls with a tennis ball to win the match are the highlights of this fun late night memory. And want a fun one it is as I give it 3 stars.

 

What’s wrong with Mom? (DVD) – Leave it to independent filmmaker Jim Roberts to make a short film about his mother being sick. When he gets a call from his brother Eric to go visit mom, he is expecting her to have the flu not have a hunger for flesh. Gory, fun, and to the point is what makes Jim Roberts one of the best and one of my favorite filmmakers out there in independent film land as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Convoy (DVD) – A late 70s film that became an early HBO 80s regular run feature is about a misunderstanding between truckers and a cop who goes over the line to bring the law down on them. When the truckers refuse to obey we got a “CONVOY” through the state of Arizona that eventually has the Rubberduck getting shot to pieces near the end of the flick. Too this day not totally sure what is the plot of the film exactly but what do want for a film that is based on a country song written in 1975 when CBs were a big thing? If you are over 35 you are old and most likely remember this nonsense that stars Kris Kristofferson, Burt Young, and Ernest Borgnine! The back story of the film sounds a hell a lot more interesting and worth taking a trip on the google machine to find out more as I give it 2 ½ stars. It’s no ‘Smokey and the Bandit’.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

We talk some old school Troma and 80s Cunningham flick

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This week we return to talk about a true icon of independent film.  TROMA’S flagship THE TOXIC AVENGER.  And Kyle gets to see a flick he has been searching for a long time now in Sean S. Cunningham’s THE NEW KIDS.  Along the way we talk about forgotten department stores and their awesome VHS sales.  Football and Lego skeletal systems.  And weirdo movies that star Jackie Chan and John Cusack.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

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Gross Movie Reviews #380

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Gross Movie Reviews #380

 

Howl (DVD) – In the middle of Somewhere, UK, passengers are taking a train at night to get to their destination. Problem… train breaks down in the middle of highly wooded area that we later find out has a history of weird shit happening but never substantiated? But driver gets out checking out the problem only to be attacked by something. Two train workers check it out not finding the driver and debating with the several passengers on what they should do. Finally they leave the train only to find the remains of the driver and now something is chasing them back to the train. They are forced to defend themselves as this wolf man like creature is attacking the train trying to eat everyone inside! A fun werewolf flick with lots of blood and guts and I give it 3 stars.

 

Jaws of Satan (DVD) – An early 80s killer animal flick that involves a King Cobra escaping from a train and causing other snakes in the area to attack humans. All because the King Cobra is Satan himself according to the local priest! A possessed snake holding a community hostage is great stuff horror fans and a must watch as I give it 3 stars!

 

The Vatican Tapes (DVD) – A woman named Angela becomes possessed on her 25th birthday and the church gets involved. A special division of the Vatican gets involved after investigating the supposedly possession and tries exorcise the demon from the young woman’s body before it completely takes control. A little more interesting than most of the PG-13 possession films that have flooded the horror genre as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Amityville Death House (DVD) – The story begins with Eric Roberts doing voiceover telling a story about a witch using the ‘Book of the Dead’ as a means to enter present day. Pay attention as you will notice the ‘Book of the Dead’ is: A) The Evil Dead DVD Necronomicon and B) its upside down. Anyway, present day and Tiffany and college friends are stopping by to visit grandma. Well grandma lives in the old Wilmont’s house that was the house to Abigail the witch during the 1800s. Locals always believed witches lived in the home for years. Now the home is shunned by the community even though Grandma Raymond lives there. Tiffany use to spend her summers there until grandpa died and since then hasn’t been back. But now she is back and weird shit begins to happen and six people need to die for Abigail the witch to come into present day. And only in a Polonia Brothers film you would hear the line, “You look like you had a dozen tits?” It’s true if you watch the film she did look like that… Tiffany I mean. Make-up effects from Brett Piper and Anthony Polonia, Fred Olen Ray as an executive producer and Eric Roberts involved with a great looking poster comes off as a slight misfire than classic. I expected more but hey it does have Amityville in the title so I give it 2 stars.

2015-flesh-for-the-inferno-movie-poster

Flesh for the Inferno (DVD) – A film written by the legendary Michael Varrati begins March 11, 1999, at St. Christopher Middle School. A priest has raped a boy and the boy told four nuns about it. They choose to confront the priest and things go bad and next thing you know they are renouncing god as they are bricked up in the basement. Years later… June 2, 2015, a youth group and its leader show up to clean and fix up the old school for the weekend but they are warned it’s a bad day according to the caretaker. Once the cleaning begins the nuns return causing death and chaos inside the walls of this holy place. Gore, ugly nuns, and a little reminder for me at least of ‘The Unholy’ and ‘The Convent’. A fun and gritty low budget horror movie worth seeking out fans as I quite enjoyed it as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. This is the type of horror film I believe needs to make a comeback to the cinemas?

 

Black Sabbath (DVD) – Boris Karloff tells tales of terror in this early 60s horror film that even has Karloff playing a vampire in the last tale of terror. Think of Karloff as the early Cryptkeeper. Found this flick a little dull at times but sure there are some older people that would tell me to fuck off just for saying that as I give this film 2 stars.

 

Swamp Thing: The Series Volume One (DVD) – Yes folks, I am the weirdo that owns this box set but this set actually contains season one and two. The third season for unknown reasons right now is 50 some episodes! It was USA network in the early 90s before they knew what programs were being placed on the channel. Dick Durock returns as the big green guy who pretty much saves a kid named Jim for several episodes before he is shipped off to South America and now has to deal with his older brother Will. The series centers on the struggle between Dr. Arcane and Swamp Thing and the surrounding swamp land. With each story being wrapped up in 23 minutes and everyone including his mom forgetting Jim from the first season was shipped to South America by Arcane. An odd and quirky take on the cult comic book hero but no worse than the ‘Friday the 13th Series’ that was about cursed objects not Jason Voorhees. I look forward tracking down the rest of the episodes but until then hopefully we can get a movie or TV series that gives this interesting character some respect? I give it 2 stars.

Werewolves

Werewolves in Heat (DVD) – Lance Polland and company make a movie that seemed to be a lost film from the early 90s Troma catalog that even includes Ron Jeremy as a pimp named ‘Chancho’. The story centers around three friends leaving the friendly confines of L.A. for the sex, drugs, and party of the desert. Once at their rental house they proceed to the local bar to place flyers for their party and buy some whores. But these just any whores… Let’s remember Ron Jeremy aka Chancho is pimping out the best ever. The three friends are so excited for the women and their party doesn’t know until it is too late when the women/werewolves show up and start a bloodbath once horny! Everyone may get laid but it all ends in death as these women have embraced being werewolves. Hell, we even get werewolf vision which reminds me a lot of the same thing in ‘Howling 7: New Moon Rising’ (a sub-par sequel in the series). Mr. Polland accomplished in giving horror and Troma fans a low budget raunchy gem that makes you reminisce about old school Troma films? I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars. More about the film can be found at: www.facebook.com/werewolvesinheat .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

THEATRE OF THE DERANGED II was recently acquired by TROMA for distribution.

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THEATRE OF THE DERANGED II  was recently acquired by TROMA for distribution. The film will be released on BLUE – RAY and VOD on October 13, 2015. As of yet, no DVD release is planned.
Vortex 11mm BD case template
The is the second installment from Executive Producers James Cullen Bressack (Pernicious, Hate Crime) and Jarret Cohen at Psykik Junky Pictures not only feature’s Bressack’s film “UNMIMELY DEMISE”, and Dustin Mills (Puppet Monster Massacre, Zombie A-hole) Segment entitled “PLATE FACE” but also Shane Ryan (Amateur Porn Star Killer) segment entitled “TAG” Shawn Burkett (The Sleeping Soul) with his segment entitled “PANTY RAID” and Lastly Christopher Leto (The House Wife Slasher) with his segment called “MY AUNT IS COMING TO TOWN”   The entire anthology is hosted by Eric Hollerbach as his character Damien Shadows PI.

Check out the trailer to keep you excited for the release: http://youtu.be/M-3gmu7bonw

Here is an official Synopsis: “Damien Shadows introduces you to 5 blood curdling horror films, all of which are actually enchanted and or cursed. Damien shows you how to ward off the spirits after each terrifying tale in this anthology. From demented sisters, to panty raids gone wrong, to killer mimes and bad periods, this film will take you on one wild ride!”

Here is the link to the IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2262325/

Here is a link to preorder the film: http://amzn.to/1MYykEy

 

Gross Movie Reviews #308

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Gross Movie Reviews #308

 

By Tim Gross

 

Return to Class of Nuke ’Em High Volume One (Theater/Blu-ray) – Recently Uncle Lloyd decided it was time to revisit the classic series and revive it with an entry that goes the route of the latest “Star Trek” films of being: a remake, sequel, and everything in-between. You know the film is going to be epic when Stan Lee is the first face you see and a few minutes later Lemmy from Motorhead is the president of the United States and he has subtitles. Sometime has past and society has changed and it isn’t cool to make fun of toxic waste and nuclear energy. So now, Lloyd Kaufman the president of “Tromorganic Foodstuff Products” and he supplies most of Jersey and the new Tromaville High School with food. But this is only a subplot of the film as the film revolves around two girls’ name Lauren and Chrissy who are learning to get along. But when a leak of Tromorganic green liquid gets in the school lunch soon the drama department becomes “The New Cretins”! And then no one is safe as they terrify the school and its students but soon Lauren and Chrissy have odd dreams or nightmares of having giant dicks and beating up The New Cretins. The film is a lot of fun and is reminder of how good the original is, was, and always will be … but I also believe this is a film for the new generation of Troma fans which will look upon on this great flick just like the first generation of Troma fans look at: The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Of course Troma believes nothing is untouchable as they make fun of: House Foreclosures, Jerry Sandusky, CNN covering school shootings, illegal downloading, blogging, people with diabetes, the glee club, Obama Care! If that wasn’t enough Debbie Rochon, Cigar face, and quite a few other characters from past Troma films make an appearance so pay close attention. The movie was perfect and one of the best films of 2013. The only thing I could find to complain about is of course they shot so much fun stuff for the film they had to split it into two films. I give this newest classic from Troma 4 stars.

 

Dark Shadows (DVD) – Johnny Depp brings the character of Barnabus Collins to life in this film adaption of a 70s daytime television cult favorite. It’s 1972, and Mr. Collins has been asleep for a very long time only to wake up and find out his family business is in shambles and the witch that cursed him is still alive and trying to get rid of his descendants by any means necessary. But Barnabus is not all about sucking blood from people’s necks as he would like the curse to be lifted to live out his life. The movie is nor good or bad more of a time filler until you find something better. I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Beneath (Chiller TV/DVD) – Five teenagers have just graduated high school and want to have one last party before they go their separate ways. They decide they want to boat across the lake but only Johnny knows they shouldn’t because of the legend that lives in the lake. Persuaded by the girl he wants but can never have to help them get across things go bad when they decide to take a swim once out in the middle of the lake. That is when the film becomes more than just an ordinary lake creature film and the characters bicker about who should live and who shouldn’t so others can survive. By the end the creature feature becomes a mean spirited story of what teenagers can be like these days? It is a little different; a little bit interesting, a creature feature that rethinks the usual formula of your usual present day killer fish monster film! I give the flick 3 stars and believe more horror fans need to give this a second look.

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (DVD) – Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as the eccentric investigator Sherlock Holmes as he must deal with his companion Watson getting married and not wanting to solve any mysteries any longer. But when one man who believes he is smarter than anyone in the world involves Watson and his new wife, he must help Holmes solve and save the world that cause world war. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as an actor and enjoyed the first film but believe this entry was more to just fulfill a contract more than adding just inspiring to the series. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Skyfall (DVD) – The latest in the new Bond films starring David Craig as 007 dies at the beginning of the film or thought to be dead when trying to stop a man who is stealing secret identities of agents undercover for MI6. Several months go by and no James Bond and that’s when the cyber-terrorism begins as names begin to leak out on YouTube and it’s all aimed at M for something she did in the past. Bond seeing this on a television far from his old home feels he is needed to get back in the secret agent game and help M. M knows even if Bond is in poor condition he is the best chance to save MI6 and bringing down those who are creating the cyber-terrorism attacks. The film goes full circle, excites old school Bond fans, and begins anew. If you were a fan of Sean Connery or a fan of Roger Moore like I was this Bond brings you more interested than ever about what’s the next Bond film?! If you were any type of Bond fan do yourself a favor and see this film as I give it 4 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (DVD) – A children’s story with a new horror twist to it. Apparently, Hansel and Gretel were orphaned so they wouldn’t be sacrificed and grew up to hate and hunt witches for a living. The film asks if you the viewer checks your brain at the door and enjoy the crazy over the top storyline with shitty computer effects. The film was a little better than a pile of shit I thought it would be but I believe this project should have been a SyFy Channel exclusive as I believe horror fans would have been more accepting and would have at least tuned in to watch it when it premiered? I give it 2 stars.

 

Zombie Nightmare (DVD) – Jon Mikl Thor stars as a man who has just been killed by some young party goers who just poured out of a high class bar. Thor’s mother is owed a favor by the local voodoo witch in town who brings his back to life to seek revenge. Did I mention we have Adam West as a detective and Tia Carrere as one of the young party goers? And yes its 1986… It’s very bad but in such a great “USA Up All Night” way where you are waiting for Rhoda Shear to cut in every ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 stars.

Hellinger

Hellinger (DVD) – A little girl named Melissa 20 years ago is eating with her father who despises her. He despises Melissa so much he taunts her with her favorite stuffed animal until Melissa wishes him to be dead. Then evil is born. Within seconds a strange dark figure appears and ends Melissa’s father in a very gruesome way. 20 years has past and Melissa is still afraid of the darkness and believes what came to murder her father that night 20 years ago still sits and waits in the darkness for her. Melissa still distraught by the darkness is seeing a doctor to help her through her past of what she calls the darkness. But let’s not forget Melissa now all grown up may be still afraid of the darkness but has time to boink the fuck out of her boyfriend before he becomes a gory mess at the hands of the strange darkness. The film plays out like an odd independent homage of “Hellraiser” that may have been misunderstood in 1997 but if made today with a little more money I could see a huge following for the strange film about a priest named Father Donaldson who had his own ideas of how his religion should be followed. Gore, boobs, and strange shit about darkness makes this shot on video flick a must see for the fans of independent cinema as a give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Carnage Road (DVD) – “Hellinger” filmmaker Massimilano Cerchi directs, John Polonia wrote the screenplay, and the editor is Mark Polonia make this modern shot on video slasher interesting enough. The film centers around four photography students who go out to the Nevada desert to get the best pictures for their project. Little they know “Quiltface” is awaiting their arrival. Quiltface is a legend about a disfigured person who lives out in the desert killing those who get lost there. Or if you go by what I say: its Leatherface’s second cousin on his mum’s side and has the fat bootleg version of Bill Moseley to help, as he only goes into town to get shit paper. And these two enjoy collecting fresh body parts especially if they are stupid college students who don’t believe in the legend of Quiltface. I give the shot on video flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Better Off Dead (DVD) – A very offbeat comedy from 1985 that stars John Cusack as Lane, a high school teenager who can’t catch a break as he can’t make the ski team and his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) Beth just broke up with him with the ski team president. So Lane spends a lot of the film trying to come up with funny ways to commit suicide until Monique the foreign exchange student from across the street takes notice and wants to help him out of his funk of trying to commit suicide or trying to find a way to impress Beth again. Meanwhile Lane’s best friend Charles Demar isn’t helping much as he just wants good drugs in their lame ass town. The film is a great 80s flick that sums up a lot about the decade and this film is still considered a huge fan favorite. I give the great flick 4 stars.

 

Zombie Night (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Anthony Michael Hall dips his toe into the lower budgeted zombie genre with his role as a father trying to protect his daughter and wife (Darryl Hannah) from hordes of flesh eaters. Take it or leave it kinda of film that was kinda fun to watch Anthony Michael Hall fucking up zombies to save his family. Too bad there was no Judd Nelson. I give it 2 stars.

 

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