Gross Movie Reviews #441
The Jurassic Dead (DVD) – So how about a zombie T-Rex shows up 60 seconds in the flick and the chaos just goes from there. Dr. Borge wants this secret serum for his possible re-animated experiments. He pays for it, not makes it (like a Herbert West) and has plans for it. But first he must show it off for the college class he teaches! Gets in trouble, then fired, and immediately gets run down by an automobile. Some time passes and we the viewer are introduced to some misfit mercenaries and a car of college somethings driving out in the desert. At the same time a giant rock or two hits Earth and causes an EMP and shuts down everything. This forces both groups on foot and eventually to a secret bunker where Dr. Borge has continued his experiments and plans for world domination through ‘Zombie T-Rexes’! We get a Duke Nuk’em joke and blood and chaos ensues as everybody runs for their lives when the Zombie T-Rex begins eating everyone or at least biting them. The movie spent all its money on the end credits and the cool T-Rex puppet. The movie is completely hilarious and has no business being as good as it was. It’s just one of those weird, hilarious, entertaining horror flicks that just can’t be explained but just witnessed as I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Evil Within (DVD) – Here is a wicked downer of a horror flick that stars the legend Michael Berryman, the beautiful and talented Dina Meyer, and one of the “Boondock Saints” dudes aka Sean Patrick Flanery. The film revolves around a mentally challenged person named Dennis who has trouble with change or things out of place or just with his brother. Dennis’ brother played by Boondock Saint Dude brings in an antique mirror thinking one, Dennis will like it and two, it will increase the value of the house he is going to try and sell. Of course this interrupts Dennis’ life and he is pissed until a demon in the form of Michael Berryman that changes himself into Dennis’ image begins to speak with him. So Dennis begins to have regular conversations with the mirror. The talks progress quickly asking Dennis to begin killing and the image will tell him how… But should Dennis do it? The evil image of Dennis explains “it is to fix his brain”. Pretty fucked shit from there as Dennis spirals into a serial killer but does it fix his brain in the end? I will leave that for you to see as this was a pretty dark fucked up flick and for that I give it 3 ½ stars.
Don’t Go In The House (DVD) – This creepy 1979 horror film has a character named Donnie who hears voices as an adult. The voices become louder shortly after his abusive mother dies who he cares for. Think “Psycho” with less personality. I don’t say that in a mean way but takes too long to exactly explain but you’ll understand after the flick. This of course sends Donnie into a descent of madness. But isn’t just any psycho madness, this is some deep dark fucked up interesting shit! Donnie decides it is time to go pick women after he has built a steel furnace in his mother’s house. He takes the women to the home and uses a flame thrower on them. Afterwards he sits them with mum to rot and have conversations with. Shit gets weird for Donnie as he tries to go out with his concerned work friend but things go wrong and he decides it’s time to burn everything! An amazing bat shit crazy thriller/horror flick worth your time horror movie friends as I give this hidden late 70s gem 3 ½ stars.
Dracula Untold (DVD) – So recently the now defunct ‘Dark Universe’ peaked my interest so I thought it was time to watch this turd. I am wrong this retelling of the Dracula story is not a turd at all and may have been an actual great set up for the ‘Dark Universe’? Luke Evans stars as Vlad the Impaler we know and love. But his legendary and brutal war times are behind him. Vlad is a family man but his people are in trouble because he refuses to give up his kingdom’s 1000 children to the Turks. They test Vlad because they believe the Vlad they know and feared is in the past. But what they don’t know Vlad on a scouting trip in the woods decided to search atop of a mountain and found an evil creature… a vampire. He goes back home to find out more believing this creature never existed but it does. Faced with no options, he heads back to the mountain to find the creature played by Charles Dance (or Brother Nupsie). Without fear Vlad goes into the dark mountain and the creature is very intrigued with Vlad and makes him a deal. If Vlad is given powers of the vampire he has three days to not drink blood and the Charles Dance stays a vampire. If Vlad drinks human blood he forever becomes the vampire and Charles Dance is free again. Vlad uses these new found powers to destroy his enemies to help save his kingdom but in the end he loses everything and everyone dies, maybe? This film surprised me with its story telling because from trailers and word of mouth I was expecting a turd. But I was wrong and find myself still asking why did Universal stop trying to get this ‘Dark Universe’ off the ground? I give this flick 3 stars.
Don’t Look in the Cellar (DVD) – A very cheap looking movie where community college students are given an assignment. Their project is about the local asylum or the Midvale Asylum where a couple students disappeared there several years ago. So the students get together on Halloween to party in the old asylum which was someone’s house (no kidding) and to do research so they can debunk the urban myth. Once there they begin to die in boring ways by the two occupants who still live there. Now this was a turd as I give it 0 stars.
The Night Walker (DVD) – A William Castle flick from 1964 about a woman who dreams her dream man while she is married to a jealous blind man. But her husband dies in an explosion and suddenly lines between her dreams and reality become blurred to point she has to move out. But these dreams continue until husband’s lawyer comes to the rescue or so it seems as her husband faked his own death only to screw with his wife. A very twisted story of horror from the filmmaking legend as I give it 2 ½ stars.
School Night Massacre (DVD) – A 2005 independent Swedish flick that is also known as “Death Academy”. It begins with four students breaking into a school for fun only to be stalked and killed by a masked person. Ten years go by and students are given an assignment on serial killers. So four students decide to cover what happened at the school ten years earlier because the man (Niklas) that was put away in an asylum is being released today. The students want to get his side of the story because he claims the police got the wrong guy? Once they interview Niklas they convince him to help prove his innocence as they go to the school to get evidence against the principal. When the principal figures out this is all going down he locks down the school trapping them all inside with a masked killer. A good amount of bloody deaths and a switcheroo makes this Indy slasher a fun watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.
The New York Centerfold Massacre (VHS/DVD-R) – This 1985 film has a better backstory than the movie itself. Apparently all the master tapes for the film got screwed up and the film was supposed to be 55 minutes. But because of the screw up it is cut at 39 minutes and was only available on VHS by mail order. And by the looks of the film or seventh generation VHS/DVD-R copy I watched I would put this more 1982ish. The film is about some young ladies answering modeling ads that are disappearing. The police believe it is this Martino guy who just moved in the area who has tried to get young ladies into porn? But after a talk with a psychic and a story about a masked person in the Soho district the cops go take down the killer. A bit boring but worth the watch if you are a VHS buff as I give it 1 star.
Suicide Girls Must Die! (DVD) – So this been sitting at my house for a while and I knew there was a possibility I would regret watching this giant turd and I did. This god awful film has tatted up website models heading out to a remote cabin to do the calendar shoot. But on top of what they are all doing they decide they will film everything or stream it at all times… supposedly? They want a reality show for the website for fans to enjoy but once a couple girls go missing some of the others get worried. A couple will shoot pics of a topless girl while a couple others worry and stay at the remote cabin. In the end they did their version of “April Fool’s Day” which you see coming as the film began. But when your only plot of the film is to shoot pictures of topless women that isn’t a horror film as much as a bad soft-core film that just annoys so this flick is just a pile of crap that angered me. This turd needs to be buried deep to never be witnessed by anyone again.
Camp Massacre (DVD) – A rather recent flick that has Jim O’Rear starring and directing a horror flick about ‘Fat Camp’. The film stars Dick Warlock, Al Snow, and one of my favorite porn stars Bree Olson (disappointingly is only in the first four minutes of the film). So ten fat dudes are picked to go to this fat camp to lose weight for a reality TV show. The fat dude that loses the most weight at the end of the show wins a million dollars. Jim O’Rear is the TV host who is trying to get these dudes going but has a staff behind him to help everyone to stay on site. Problem is the fat dudes are being killed one by one by a person wearing an apron and a bucket on their head and oh yeah they have a fake machete. I enjoyed the concept of the film, loved Al Snow as fat camp security, enjoyed Bree Olson for the short time she was in it (yinz know she can actually act right?) But the 130 minute running time is what kills this possibly fun slasher film before it ever gets started. I would have loved to see this film edited down but otherwise I only give this film 1 star.
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Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr
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