Amityville Ride-Share (YouTube) – NO FUCKING KIDDING KIDS! Entry #47 can’t even stick to its title as only 20% of the film is doing the Amityville Uber thing or is that copyrighted? Anyway, we get 70 minutes of portals, a midget (sorry little person clown), news story about a missing girl who may be part of a snuff film, another uber driver who gets stabby, another clown killing someone in a cannabis store, a You Tuber’s live stream of a bad weed reaction, and whatever at this point as I lost track as some dude Henry comes on screen to explain he is making “Amityville: Faces of Death” or something… I guess? Then trailers roll for twenty minutes like the terrible “Evil Bong” series and Charles Band you are not. Honestly this was a dumb idea for a movie because here is its legit issue: You stuck with the ride-share thing literally only a fraction of the film so you failed horribly as I give this 0 stars.
Message from Space (DVD) – An Asian film from 1978 about a dying planet that has an old dude who throws eight seeds into space that will sprout heroes to save them?! No, I wasn’t high when watching this… Anyhow, Sonny Chiba and Vic Morrow show up in this Japanese production to give it creditability as a princess follows the seeds so she can oversee the heroes. The plan is for these seeds to find good people to fight these evil steel plated people who if they would have listened to this cruel old lady the movie would have been over in twenty minutes as she just says most of the film “Kill so and so”! For that I give 1 ½ stars.
Mansion of the Doomed (DVD) – Okay yinz kids let me set the picture: Lance Henriksen, Richard Basehart, and Stan Winston doing effects, and Charles Band’s first produced feature supposedly… you interested? If not then you are an asshole or dead so let’s move on. An experienced doc in Dr. Chaney who is in a car accident with his daughter Nancy that causes her to go blind. Dr. Chaney has a sudden change of heart in experimentation of eyes in order to bring his daughter’s eye sight back? But this requires live donors and the first is Dr. Dan Bryan who he drugs in order to perform surgery and it works for his daughter… for a short while. Thus setting up two storylines: one the good doctor non-stop experimenting until he can perfect and truly bring his daughter’s eyesight back and second, the live donors that rot in a prison in the Dr. Chaney’s basement. On top of that his daughter going crazy from all the transplants driving her insane! This film has aged a little bit but doesn’t take away how disturbing and cringe worthy this flick is as I got to give it 3 ½ stars.
Dead Dudes in the House (DVD) – The film is also known as “The House on Tombstone Hill” and recently got the special treatment but never heard of this film. Funny thing is I know if I see it when first released in 1989 there is good chance I would be talking about it like I talk about “Spookies”. But with this we get a young group of friends arriving at a broken down home that Mark of the group just purchased. After one of Mark’s friends destroys a tombstone in the backyard an old lady wakes up and the group is suddenly locked in the house. Now this group of unsuspecting people must fight an old lady that is able to hack these people to pieces with no effort. The film has its moments, blood, and the killer old lady which makes this fall under that category of fun weird shit that includes “Spookies and The Video Dead” of we can’t explain this shit but I am giving it 3 stars.
Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey (On Demand) – Apparently the talking animals of 100 Acres woods and our childhood stories is pissed off at Christopher Robin! All because Christopher when he grew up decided to pick college over his animal friends and there happen to be a bad winter and ate one of their own. Now, they have vowed to not talk to humans and fuck people up turning the childhood story into a subpar slasher film. Reverting back to their original instincts causes them to become the ‘bigfoot’ of our time? But of course this doesn’t stop a group of women heading to the woods for the weekend to become slasher fodder for the animals. I get the premise; I understand what was trying to be done… But lightening in a bottle only came with “The Banana Splits” if you wanna be truthful as I give this sadly unoriginal tale of our youth 2 stars.
Unwelcome (DVD) – So literally it is like someone decided there needed to be an origin story and a sequel to the wall gnome from “Cat’s Eye”? Thank you for amusing me for a minute anyhow a young couple who get brutalized in their swanky townhome recently inherit a country house in the Irish countryside and decide to go be a apart of this small community. Shortly after arriving they are told of a legend of the little people/red caps who live beyond the door of their garden. The aunt that use to live there gave them a blood offering nightly to keep them at bay or so the legend goes among the community? Well there is a lot of buildup of these redcaps the first hour or so but the payoff is glorious and enjoyable for all. Great writing, fun characters, and love that the wall gnomes live as I give this film 3 ½ stars.
Grimoire Volume One (YouTube/DVD) – A short film from filmmaker Donovan Smith who brings us a grim and gritty tale of a man reflecting on his past. He is on the hunt for something evil that leads him to an ancient book. Thus the ancient book gives him knowledge of a cruel unkind creature he has been tracking for some time and it must end now. This short film looks amazing but feels unfinished like it is supposed to lead to something or what you kids don’t know about what we call an investment video for a feature before there was a Kickstarter, indiegogo, etc. I enjoy the premise, the character, what it could be? Mr. Smith has something here; now let’s see if he takes this interesting piece in the right direction as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
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