Gross Movie Reviews #482

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Gross Movie Reviews #482

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (DVD) – Even the flick is released in 2014 under the Troma label it is set in 2007 on Columbus Day weekend. Lloyd and others had nothing to do with this film other than picking it up for distribution so don’t get all crazy if and when I do not like the flick. On this so-called holiday weekend a group of women go into the Everglades to party hardy! Only one of them made it out to tell the story and this is her story. Supposedly every few years weird shit happens around Columbus Day in the Everglades and that didn’t stop these college girls looking for a good time. Supposedly it is haunted by a Seminole spirit who has a few things: a cage for his captured white woman, a trailer for him to hang out at and his dead wife, a ham sandwich for his white woman, and a boat to ride across the swamps. Okay now saying this out loud I believe this film is hilariously awesome in such a bad way as you should only watch with friends. Honestly I was expecting more boobs but I will forgive yinz as just writing this review made me laugh as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Naked Massacre (DVD) – Right out of the gate in this flick we are introduced to violence as a Vietnam vet sits and witnesses first hand a church bombing in Belfast. Supposedly a couple sources claim this film was based on the Richard Speck murders? It’s 1975ish and this US vet is wandering the streets of Belfast until he walks past a house full of nurses. This soon becomes his obsession as he watches day and night until his opportune time to make his move inside claiming he just wants money to get home? But quickly after the women are bound it becomes clear this vet is here to slowly torture and rape these innocent nurses. A pretty fucked up movie that I am surprised more the horror community hasn’t stumbled upon and made a bigger deal out of it as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Exterminators of the Year 3000 (Blu-ray) – I will be honest I thought I watched or tracked all the Eye-talian, Spanish, Canadian, etc. post-apocalyptic flicks I could find last year… Well I missed one and this was some good post-apocalyptic fun! A lone stranger only known as Alien wanders the Wasteland to come across a kid who wants to help his village get water. The world of course has turned into a desert a kid Timmy believes he is the last hope since his father didn’t come back. He hitches a ride with a group of villagers who must travel a horrible road of 180 miles that has crazy ass bikers led by a bad bootleg Vernon Wells. The bikers kill the group but know the water’s location now. Timmy is picked up along the way by Alien only to be sold out to the biker gang and have robotic arm ripped out. Nothing here to explain Alien is just like, “I know an old guy that can fix that”. So while Timmy gets fixed up, Alien with his sidewhore oh I mean ‘Trash’ go get the water. Of course Alien wants it for himself to sell to the highest bidder but has a change of mind when he takes on the crazed bikers by himself in his steel plated car called “The Exterminator”. Not much plot wise but still a lot of fun especially when they all just totally get why the kid is a cyborg or something as I give this gem 2 ½ stars.

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon: Troma Edition (DVD) – Most likely Troma’s biggest fan Addison Binek known for his riffs on so many movies decided to put together a collection of Troma riffs. Now Addison being a smart dude didn’t just go for any Troma titles he went for the second tier! Maybe the lesser known to some to maybe open some eyes new to the Troma or Addison Binek world. Here is the list he tackles: Rabid Grannies, Hectic Knife, B.C. Butcher, Troma’s War, Getting Lucky, Redneck Zombies, Slaughter Party, and Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods. Now not all titles were from the minds of Lloyd and Mr. Herz but some brilliant pick-ups for the label a fun selection that makes you wonder where Addison gets all that Troma money for the props. And instead of condemning something of this nature Lloyd embraces Addison’s fandom and intelligence to put together a great product for all of us movie lovers to enjoy as once again I give his project 4 stars.

 

Serial Killer Massacre (DVD) – A 1997 title that you may have not heard much about as it was released to DVD as “Dying to Meet You”. A poorly written S.O.V. flick about two sadistic killers who find love with each other after trying to murder each other. When that doesn’t go well they decide, “Let’s Fuck”… Because nothing says lead up to bumping uglies like some bad wrestling on a floor with knives. The idea wasn’t a bad one just everything else was bad about it. If you just wanna film some mock film but two sadistic real-life lovers I am sure there is a category on PornHub for you? With a little direction, a little tweak in script, and not spending over 50 minutes on the dude alone in the film even before you hint the couple will be a couple and there could have been movie magic. Instead we get what looks like a bad attempt at a soft-core porn video that was just meant for them and none of us to see and that may have been for the better as I give it 0 stars.

 

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (On Demand) – It has been five years since the giant radioactive lizard had shown up in San Francisco and of course us humans suck huge ball sack! Now the monsters are being released one by one to possibly keep Earth in balance until it is learned Ghidorah is not of this Earth and may be here to actually form it into his own. Which means Godzilla is here to save the humans… maybe. It is an absolute fun giant rubber monster flick that gets you very excited for Kong’s return. Yeah at times it seems the actors get in the way of the story but they are there to keep the story moving and who doesn’t love Charles Dance aka Brother Nupsie as the villain. Honestly not a lot can be said other than if you like the past giant rubber monster movies then you will enjoy this if not most likely you will never understand it as I give the film 3 ½ stars, now bring me Kong.

 

Killersaurus (DVD) – A UK flick that does their own bootleg generic version of “Carnosaur” where some research scientists literally will a dinosaur into existence with a 3-D printer! I don’t know if I should laugh my ball bag off or just be disappointed it took this long for this idea to be put to screen? With such an awesome beginning premise for a film it soon turned into a stale turd as people just keep talking about the dinosaur behind the door. And once seen it’s in horrible red light to hide the bad effects and it doesn’t eat everybody… For the love of Rutger Hauer I wanted a cheap dinosaur rampage movie instead got something that was a poor excuse for a film and Dollar General I want my two bucks back as I give it 0 stars.

 

Zombie Tidal Wave (SyFy Channel/DVD) – So Ian Ziering won’t go away but that isn’t such a bad thing when it comes to cheap weirdo shark and zombie films that show up on SyFy Channel once a year. Ziering is a lifelong seaman who encounters a blue weirdo out at sea that has just bitten one of his friends. Rushing back inland for help apparently this odd blue light out at sea starts off a zombie apocalypse that is brought in by a tidal wave onto a small town in Thailand I believe? Anyway next thing you know a bunch of random zombies and blue zombies begin chomping their way through the populace. The film has its moments of cheese but just for old 80s creature movie sake (Humanoids from the Deep) I had hopes of them explaining or doing a little more buildup of the pharmacy crap that supposedly went down in 1985 story wise? Anyway: blue zombies, Ian Ziering, an electrified knife, all this 2 star movie was missing was hot mess of a woman Tara Reid’s jacked up boob!

Slaughterhouse Massacre (DVD) – This odd low budget horror film that I guess could be classified as a slasher was a little bit of a surprise. Wasn’t expecting much but of course had massacre in the title so I needed to watch it. Anyway a group of friends leave Dallas College onto a party where this group learns of an urban legend “Marty Sickle”. Supposedly Marty lived in a local slaughterhouse and was accused of murder but the charges could not stick. So some of the locals took upon themselves to serve justice… it was like an alternate version of “Pledge Night”? So the four college kids head to the slaughterhouse to pussyfoot around and BINGO! They disturb Marty Sickle who really wasn’t dead and pissed enough he starts hacking the four to bits. This is one those enjoyable gory Indy flicks that make you glad it exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

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Gross Movie Reviews #481

0

Once again he has been drinking and writing again!

 

Gross Movie Reviews #481

 

Troma’s War (DVD) – A late 80s Troma film that I have always avoided for no good reason. I have always been told by a lot of Troma fans this might be their least favorite of the first generation of Troma films… That isn’t a bad thing, it’s not like the film exactly fits the mold of Troma at the time but who knows? A plane full of Tromaville people crashes somewhere in the area of the Caribbean Islands. Unsure exactly what happened or how survivors are scattered trying to figure out how to survive on the island. But bad news for the survivors as they explore because there is a group of renegade armed personnel preparing for war! The survivors must fight for their lives in order for survival and possible rescue. Overall the movie is a Troma flick but seems to be missing something but also it does run much longer than it needs too which can be bad for any movie as I give it 2 stars.

 

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (DVD) – Imagine a direct-to-video flick about an airplane hijacking that takes place during a death metal concert on board a plane. Sounds awesome but is completely disappointing as Rutger Hauer like everyone else shows up for their paycheck as a bootleg of a bootleg of a bootleg Marilyn Manson dude named Slade Craven goes all Steven Seagal on people. Including flying the fucking plane to safety! It begins with the F.B.I. tracking down a hacker who hacks into the concert footage. The agent goes rogue to arrest him until while doing that someone is murdered on the plane supposedly by Slade Craven? Then it turns into we are going to crash the plane into some small church in Kansas City that happens to be the ‘Gates of Hell’ to bring about Satan. Hate to tell you filmmakers even Satan is disappointed in your schlock you put on film and God isn’t thrilled either since I had to watch it as I give it crap! I love Rutger Hauer and this had a great cast but this film is a prime example of actors just doing a job for a paycheck or fulfilling a contract with a studio.

Massacre Up North (DVD) – A Canadian S.O.V. flick from 2001… Yes, I know they were still shooting on video in 2001 that is a whole other conversation. But anyhow the film opens with a couple rubbing privates together until someone in a medieval knight costume starts slicing and dicing them. This happens because 20 years ago a young kid is burned inside a tent during an innocent camping trip by his father accidentally. Upset with the world as Leslie goes through life with scars he kills his parents to make it look like an accident and sets up the rest of the film. Not totally sure where the knight costume fits into the Leslie’s murderous wrath but it is the climax of a movie that leaves you asking questions like: Why was I watching this again? I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Past Midnight (DVD) – This little thriller starring Rutger Hauer, Clancy Brown, and Natasha Richardson is absolutely amazing treat from 1991. Ben Jordan has just got out of jail on parole after 15 years for killing his wife and unborn child at the time in 1975. Once out he must see his social worker Miss Mathews who believes he might be innocent so she begins to dig. She takes such an interest in the case it blurs her vision on what is actually right and wrong. This allows the story to linger and keep the viewer guessing until the last four minutes of the film of wandering if Ben is the actual killer. A fun first viewing of this Rutger Hauer film that will now go into my regular rotation as I give it 3 stars.

 

MIB International (Theater) – So they made another film trying to branch out without having Will Smith or anybody else that was connected to the originals. This takes place over in the U.K. (again that is why it’s called International… I guess). Anyway there might be a mole in the agency that might be leaking secrets again and it’s up to a vet Chris Hemsworth and a rookie Tessa Thompson to figure out how to save the world. Maybe it’s me; maybe it should have been left alone? But this entry was horrible as much as I may have found a movie that will put me instantly asleep when needed. I was expecting a little more because of the chemistry between Hemsworth and Thompson but for me at least it just never happened. Overall I just wanted Tommy Lee Jones back if that was possible as I give this poor or maybe just uninteresting entry 1 ½ stars.

Teenage Zombie House Massacre (DVD) – A 36 minute film from 2000 that was shot in black and white from some dude in Ohio that has long disappeared from the independent scene. This sort of feature is based around teenagers who decide it would be a good idea to party in the local haunted house that has a history. By the time they get settled into the abandoned house to rub privates if not themselves with lots of drinking it is too late. The zombies that have been lying in waiting for victims to come to house are out and about and eating the partying teenagers. This film is so rough but is a fun reminder of the independent stuff that popped up randomly in video stores in the late 80s. So for nostalgia effect thank you but overall this movie needed lots of work but you had me at the title as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

House Guest Massacre (DVD) – Alex Vincent of “Child’s Play” fame goes the route of John Saxon in doing a film himself sort of. The film is now known as only “House Guest” I am guessing to resell it to horror fans that didn’t catch on the first time around? But anyway Alex wrote the screenplay, stars in the film, and composes the music in this modest budgeted $100,000 plus Indy film where he and his sister have a party. Jen and Rob’s parents are out of town and invite a select few friends in for a fun night of drinking. Until the one dude’s father shows to hang with them: spoiler alert he is the killer if you didn’t guess after seeing the dark black hair dye ten minutes before he arrives at the door. Besides it being weird dad shows up to hang out with mid-twenty something son he kills any chance of this film being interesting of his son getting it on with Jen! Now, I wasn’t expecting the next “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” but if Alex Vincent didn’t have anything to do with this film everyone would just laugh at this film even being thought of. Prove me wrong as I give this a ½ star for trying to fit in a senior citizen as a crazed serial killer.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!