Gross Movie Reviews #539

0

Gross Movie Reviews #539

Boys from County Hell (Shudder) – An Irish horror film where a small town called Six Mile Hill is the center of the story as legend goes Bram Stoker used the location to write his famous story. The local legend claims that the real Dracula story happened there as a landmark of stones marks the grave of the vampire or at least that is what’s been told for many years in those parts. One drunken night two friends strolling home from the pub fall into the landmark and one of them is speared by a farm animal. Nothing physical came from the grave but blood seem to disappear from the corpse. Eugene quickly understands he may accidentally set free the vampire legend on the small town and must now try to bury the bloodthirsty monster that doesn’t play by the usual vampire rules. Fun monstrous times to be had in this Irish treat as I give it 3 stars.

The Frozen Ghost (DVD) – A stage mentalist played by Lon Chaney Jr., has a skirmish with an audience member that he believes caused the man’s death. Retiring the act, trouble seems to follow the mentalist as while at the museum he gets in a tussle with someone who dies and believes he did it again. For me this wasn’t the best Lon Chaney Jr. of course for fans who just need something a little lighthearted you will enjoy this feature as I give it 2 stars.

Great White (On Demand) – Pearl Air Charters  is a one charter plane business run by a sexy couple who takes people on tours of areas like “Hell’s Reef”. When on their latest tour they land so a couple can have a late lunch it is quickly spoiled by finding half of a corpse of the beach. The small group realizes someone could still use help out in the ocean they jump back in the small plane for a limited time because of fuel to search. They spot the boat and when they land on the ocean near that is when things go bad for the group and the suspense builds as they wait for rescue. With only the life raft the group must hope they can paddle back to the island before the sharks stalk and eat them for a snack! A lot of buildup in this film, think ‘The Shallows’ but with a few more people and trying to feel a little more like ‘Jaws’ as I give it 3 stars.

Bigfoot vs. Illuminati (On Demand) – An animated film I had so much anticipation for being a fun stupid film to enjoy and talk about. Instead I got a horrible boring dud. Many years into the future where the Earth is basically dead and humans are about to go extinct as they are at war with aliens. Humans only hope is Bigfoot who happened to listen to rap music way too much. Oh and Bigfoot tag teams with a Van Helsing clone… this was dumb as I give it 0 stars. I guess I need to stick with ‘Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper’?

Benny Loves You (On Demand) – Meet Jack, a 35 year old who lives with his parents and is a junior toy designer whose parents still celebrate Jack’s birthday as if he was a child. But this year is different as the parents die accidentally while preparing for his birthday. Nothing is going right for Jack so now alone he decides he wants to improve his life and this means getting rid of everything including his childhood toy that he still has. The toy’s name is Benny and doesn’t like it too much he is about to be thrown out but also wants Jack to be happy again? From here Jack is sent into a downward spiral of death and despair as anyone that comes to the home or Jack doesn’t like Benny slices and dices them. As the bloodbath ensues in a weird way Benny helps Jack get his job back with new designs based on Benny… The horror film is a wonderful insane oddity of gore that needs to be witnessed as this will be one of the best horror films I will watch in 2021 and for that I give it 4 stars.

Fulci for Fake (DVD) – A Severin Pictures biopic about a man about to dive head first into becoming the famous Italian filmmaker Lucio Fulci. In order to accomplish becoming the legend he must learn more about him and interviews several friends and colleagues of Fulci’s taking the viewer on a ride through stories of the beginnings of Fulci’s work. To of course what made Fulci a household name among horror movie fans as I give the documentary 3 stars.

Live Evil (DVD) – An old vampire hunting priest has his eyes locked on these four vamps that have run together for a long time now. The priest wants to slice and dice this group as he has tracked them everywhere at any cost. The group keeps moving around recently as humans more and more have tainted blood and the vampires fight amongst each other in the effort of finding “pure blood”. The vampires head to L.A. for a last ditch effort of getting pure blood from a dealer named Max. The vampire hunter is played by the legendary Tim Thomerson so imagine Jack Deth retired to become a priest who hunts vamps with a late 90s direct-to-video vibe. A fun watch with some gore and some audio glitches but well worth checking out this Mark Terry produced film that also has appearances by Tiffany Shepis, Ken Foree, and Elissa Dowling as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Feaster Sunday (DVD) – A not so typical independent holiday horror film where a man, Dr. Gideon Lear is putting forth his best effort to put on “The Passion” play at the community theater that hasn’t happened in twenty years. Lear wants perfection out of his actors as he explains in his recent interview with Eddie from the local Public Access Channel. Lear nor his actors seem to be too concerned with the history of the play as “the show must go on”. Meanwhile Eddie sees someone he knows among the actors, Tess, and they reconnect after Tess is dropped by her boyfriend Reen because he needs his full attention on playing Jesus. As time goes on actors for the play disappear, warnings for the play “not to go on” are ignored, and Dr. Lear begins his struggle to keep the production together. There is a whole lot of crazy going on in this flick that just made me giddy to watch! Wonderful casting choices (Dave Parker as the original Jesus, brilliant), great script, cool puppets, and a low budget production that felt bigger than it was should get some mainstream respect as I give this excellent production 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #533

0

Gross Movie Reviews #533

Creepies (DVD) – At an undisclosed secret military base two army privates are busy playing grab ass and just happened to unleash mutant spiders! It doesn’t take long for these mutant arachnids to spread out and cause death and mayhem. From there the film goes into insane mode with its miniature effects whether its spiders, cars blowing up, buildings catching fire, etc. If that isn’t enough the mutant spiders have had enough of listening to bad cover bands in a crappy studio that is the second of two sets that the film uses for 90% of the film. This of course sets up the filler for the film of a bad girl band struggling to survive the mutant spiders in a studio while the military tries to contain it to the city. If it matters in the end everything gets nuked anyway so for that I give it 1 star.

Slaxx (Shudder) – Libby is a young lady who is lucky enough to be starting a new job at a super popular clothing store “CCC”. The store is all about a better tomorrow using experimental cotton for their new killer jeans “Super Shapers”! These pants are amazing as they will fit male or female, overweight or underweight and make you look wonderful. Unaware the employees who try to see how the jeans fit before anyone else get murdered by the experimental pants as they want revenge. To compound the problem once Libby and employees figure this out the store is on lockdown and makes it impossible to call authorities in. On the other hand Libby’s manager is all about saving the store so he can be promoted and sell the shit out of these jeans when morning hits no matter how many people die. The film has some inventive kills, touches upon a lot of millennial themes, and at about the 40 minute mark the film goes completely bonkers which just excited me! Where films like the overrated ‘Rubber’ and lackluster ‘Killer Sofa’ fail, ‘Slaxx’ puts on a show as I give one of the best films of 2021 4 stars.

The Jungle (DVD) – Another average found footage film that was made in 2012 about a character Larry Black who is a wild animal expert and film’s his expeditions. This latest one was a little different as he is heading to Indonesia to hopefully track and tag a leopard that was believed to be extinct? As Larry and his team get drawn into the rainforest deeper and deeper they come to the conclusion they might be tracking a much bigger unknown creature. What could have been interesting… fails as like a good bit of found footage films the movie feels long, dumb, and boring even with it not being that long of a film in reality. Pass over this found footage film as I give it 1 star if you come across it.

Tales of the Uncanny (Blu-ray) – A documentary from Severin Films that covers the history of anthologies… Interesting stuff. Over 60 producers, critics, filmmakers discuss the beginning of anthologies and raise the question about their impact on the industry over the years. This wonderful documentary covers all of them and for young and old horror fans alike. Yes they talk ‘Creepshow’ but also goes through some unknown gems and discuss how some came about. They did this during the pandemic last year which adds a different quality to this documentary and separates it from your average documentary as I give it 4 stars of course.

Witchcraft (DVD) – So I wanted to start watching this series so of course you got to start with the first film which was released all the way back in 1988. Oh by the way in case you are unaware there 16 of these… for now. This low budget horror about witches and warlocks centers in on Grace who just had a baby and her husband pushes her to stay with his mother until she gets her strength back. Never a good idea in general as anyway it doesn’t take long for things to get strange but what drives it home that Grace isn’t just thinking weird things is when Father James shows up. Father James has a horrible reaction to what he sees in the family and begs Grace to come to church the next day as you know will solve everything in life? With soon a dead priest and Grace no longer trusting her husband who is a warlock by the way Grace must fight her way out of this satanic web of crazy and save her baby. I give the first entry 2 stars.

Godzilla vs. Kong (On Demand) – Forces have been trying to protect Kong from Godzilla as they believe Godzilla could kill him. But things have changed recently in Godzilla’s behavior and cause them to move Kong to a new home. A scientist believes he has found the entrance to “Hollow Earth” and knows how to survive entry if they can get Kong to pinpoint its exact location? Meanwhile the Apex Corporation is working on a Mechagodzilla to put a stop to Godzilla and possibly Kong to be on the safe side. “Hollow Earth” has a power source only like one other and that is Godzilla and they want to use it to fuel their Mechagodzilla. It was good but not great but hey, don’t let that stop you from enjoying the year’s first big popcorn flick as I give it 3 stars.     

Witchcraft 2: The Temptress (DVD) – The second entry into this series from 1989 has a witch from the previous film back to stalk and haunt a young stud. She would to have him for her evil ways and hang with Satan, but the young William isn’t having it. The witch even lowers herself to wearing a stripper outfit while cleaning leaves out of the gutters to get William’s attention. But when that doesn’t work of course you get lower with ghost rape but that doesn’t matter in the end cause love conquers all as I give this sequel 1 ½ stars.

Witchcraft 3: The Kiss of Death (DVD) – I could just summarize this film as: no budget, no script, but a dozen ideas and nothing works but that isn’t fun. So we have a pro-bono lawyer named William who has a past with witches (still connecting it to the past two films) who is a good man trying to do the right thing. But William unknowingly befriends a warlock who sucks the life from women to keep his girlfriend Roxy alive. Lewis the warlock interrupts everything in William’s life including the relationship with his hot girlfriend who is ready to settle down. As people begin to die or disappear it really comes down to the warlock just wanting to bang William’s hot girlfriend on a regular basis and who can blame him as I give the third entry 1 star.

Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (YouTube/DVD) – Hey you… need a WTF Bigfoot film in your life? Well this 1977 Italian/Canadian production will your void and more. A retired professor Henry Wasserman is led out of retirement by a good friend with a document claiming they found “Yeti” in an iceberg. Once the professor sees it for his own eyes he takes control in melting the ice off of it in order to preserve this magnificent find. They revive the Yeti and it rampages but settles once it makes friends with Mr. Hunnicutt’s grandkids. But hey there are plans for this big ass Yeti so let’s take it to Toronto so it can rampage there too. Point of the film is a Yeti can be nice unless taken out of it natural habitat… I think as I give this weird mess 2 stars.

Witchfinder General (DVD) – It is 1645 and England is in the middle of a civil war as Vincent Price as Matthew Hopkins is in charge of traveling the English countryside and deciding who is a witch. If he finds supposed witches he has his companion convict and kills them. With each witch they collect a bag of silver so of course the Witchfinder always finds a witch in each village he visits. But after Matthew and his companion rape a young woman Sara and destroy her uncle because of witchcraft her fiancée Richard Marshall a young soldier seeks revenge. The soldier swears he will ravage the Witchfinder Hopkins when found. Usually with Mr. Price you are guaranteed a fun time but this seems to lack the spark most of his films have and why this Vincent Price film is not talked about much? Either way if you are a fan you need to check it out once as I give it 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews “Top Ten of 2020”

0

Gross Movie Reviews “Top Ten of 2020”

 

1) VFW (On Demand) – For the love of John Carpenter thank you Joe Begos for making this idea exist! A new drug called “Hype” has hit the streets and screwing up people quicker than ever before. The drug is making zombies or “Hypers” out of people and tearing cities down. Boz is a drug lord who is about to have a huge deal go down and kills the wrong strung out girl as her sister Lizard takes it personally and steals his stash. Nowhere to run Lizard busts into an old VFW where some old vets are just having their daily drink, watch old videos of women exercising, and telling war stories. A couple of drugged out punks follow her in and that was a big mistake as they attack one of the vets. The old vets take care of the trash pretty quickly in a brutal way. This is where the chaos or war begins as the vets must defend the post and themselves from the onslaught of strung out punks because Boz wants his stash no matter what. This film is absolutely FUCKING AWESOME! The casting of Stephen Lang, Fred Williamson, William Sadler, George Wendt, Martin Kove, and David Patrick Kelly as the war vets is perfect. This is my new ‘Assault on Precinct 13’ as I give possibly 2020s best film of the year 4 stars all the way. I will be watching this flick at least once a year.

 

2) Bad CGI Sharks (DVD) – A brilliant story about two brothers Matthew and Jason who are very close in many ways as kids. As kids they wanted to make a shark movie like no other but eventually that dream was squished as their father considered Jason a lost cause. Many years later Mathew has grown up and living out in Hollywood! Mathew’s life is turned upside down when his older brother Jason shows up who just so happens to be a bum who still wants to make shark movies. After some fighting, smoking weed, and talking about their movie script with no ending they wrote as kids called, “Sharks Outta Water” a floating shark shows up! It first eats the neighbor but eventually it begins chasing the brothers. It seems a man with a magical clapper board as brought their childhood movie script to life and now they must deal with it in many hilarious ways. Don’t just rent, buy this fucking movie NOW! One of the most entertaining independent shark films ever made as I give this sure to be on the “Best of 2020 list” 4 out of 4 stars.

 

3) Peninsula (On Demand) – So we got a sequel to the wonderful zombie film ‘Train to Busan’, the film picks up four years later. Any bordering country has a blockade up and does not allow anyone to enter South Korea because of the viral outbreak. A former soldier like a lot of misplaced Koreans lives in Hong Kong and down on his luck. A shady dude he does things for gives the ex-soldier a mission of entering the zombie-infested peninsula for a truck that has 25 million U.S. dollars in the back of it safely waiting. If he retrieves it he is rich, if not he is most likely zombie food as the zombies still roam the area. Without spoiling too much I will describe the film has elements that cross between ‘Land of the Dead’ and ‘Escape from New York’ but keeps the heart of the first film. Wonderful zombie stuff again horror fans as this fast-paced sequel pleases me much so that there could be another entry into this series like ‘REC’?! I give the bad ass international zombie movie 4 stars all the way.

 

4) We Summon the Darkness (DVD) – Holy balls this film was fucking great! The film is set in Indiana, 1988 following three young ladies who are heading to a heavy metal concert. Along the way we keep hearing on the radio about some satanic murders sweeping the mid-west. The three metal goddesses reach the concert and meet three metalhead dudes and they all seem to get along. After the concert the boys are invited back to Alexis’ house or her father’s house to be precise. They start drinking and play a little game that gets a little risky. But things get a little weird as the boys pass out and awake inside a room full of bloody pentagrams and that is where the fun begins. The cast, story, effects, and the ending are a wonderful blast. I would like to tell you more about the film but I rather not ruin it for your viewing pleasures? Put it this way this film is another entry into my “Best of 2020 list” as I give it 4 stars.

 

5) Tromasterpiece Theatre Presents – Poutrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (DVD) – Addison Binek as the bored movie theater employee is back again with his two sidekicks to riff on the popular Troma musical “Poutrygeist”. A film that tackles the fast food industry that only Troma can only do where a chicken shack is built on top of an Indian graveyard and the spirits are upset and haunt the business. Leave it to Addison to riff on an already funny ass flick and make it that much better! Addison Binek is absolutely brilliant in his effort to riff on this popular Troma film. This latest project from the talented Mr. Binek makes me believe more than ever that he would make an excellent heir to the Troma Empire. Laugh, cry, and watch again the latest from the amazing Addison Binek as shame on you for not supporting this effort as I give it 4 out of 4 stars.

 

6) Spirit Animal (DVD) – Madeline Deering has made a love letter to The Polonia Brothers, Jon McBride, Todd Sheets, and I am sure a few others that could be mentioned from that bygone era of S.O.V. I easily could have seen myself finding this “we all thought lost 1993 S.O.V. film” in Incredibly Strange Video here in Pittsburgh, Pa.! About 1998, I was finding a lot of these S.O.V. movies from the late 80s and early 90s as independent filmmakers were already using digital video and abandoned the VHS camera. Oh what a time then but that is what makes this such an awesome and unique project as Maddie, Joe, and talented cast got a VHS camera and went into overdrive to get this dream project done. Our story begins at Camp Wannawilla many years ago where a camp counselor is speaking with kids around a campfire about “Spirit Animals”. One child takes exception to this as Aarav believes he can be all of them not just one. Of course the camp counselor meets a horrible death and the camp is closed down. Many years pass and we follow a group of friends to West Virginia on New Year’s Eve to the same Camp Wannawilla. They set up camp, tell the story, and a killer with many animal masks begins slaughtering not just the group but all who enter the woods this New Year’s Eve as a special moon is coming. The music is excellent, ending is fucking great, good editing, good cast, and Maddie puts this all together on a VHS camera, the true old school none of that gimmick shit you get with your fancy laptops and cameras these days! Independent fans rejoice and enjoy because this gets 4 out of 4 stars and will most likely show up on my “Best of 2020 list”.

 

7) The Unsung (YouTube) – The latest project from Churchill Pictures is a bit of a thriller with a bit of drama and intrigue added to the mix. We are introduced to Eric through his travels of the depressed areas of Pittsburgh and his childhood flashbacks that haunt him. One day catching a nap, the nap is interrupted by a man trying to hurt a young lady. Eric jumps into action and saves her. But being homeless also she takes off with Eric’s bag and he chases her down to a homeless community under a bridge. He is accepted into the community quickly. Meanwhile we are introduced to a very driven detective by the name of Jones who understands he now is trying to track down a serial killer and how all the victims are tied into each other in some way. Eric hearing a voice from a radio decides he must take action like his comic book hero that he keeps near to his heart. Eric and the detective cross paths and Eric is of course a ‘person of interest’ in the case but no matter what both men want to save the young lady after she is taken by this killer. I tried not to give too much away with the description just because I really like the story and it isn’t your usual crime drama/thriller. The film has a lot of heart that deserves to be watched and enjoyed. It stars Jared Bajoras, Richard Billock, and Amadeo Fusca which all three were perfect in their roles for this project. Help support this project folks as I give it 4 out 4 stars all the way!

 

8) Patchwork (Shudder) – Three women wake up to being stitched together on an exam table with a couple guys talking like this is an everyday thing after being kidnapped at a bar. The three stuck together in the same body must now work together to remember who did this and why? With a couple surprises and a twist along the way the three want their revenge and begin their search for answers with the bar they all remember. They also find love along the way. Think ‘Frankenhooker’ with ‘Re-animator’s’ dark humor and a splash of Peter Jackson and you have a beautiful masterpiece of a dark horror comedy that not enough good words could describe. I would love to say more about the plot but it may ruin some of the surprises throughout the film as I give this gift to the horror genre 4 stars.

 

9) Love and Monsters (On Demand) – This fun monster gem is a must see for all audiences as it takes place seven years after the “Monsterapocalypse”. There was an asteroid falling towards Earth. Of course all the governments hurl up all these missiles into space to destroy this rock before impact… it works. Problem is the fallout hitting earth causes all the animals and insects to mutate into large monsters that begin wiping out humanity and force people into underground bunkers. Seven years later Joel is a single bored early twenties dude who cannot help fight the monsters but can make a great minestrone but wants out of the isolation he feels. So he heads out on a mission to find his high school sweetheart Aimee at a bunker on the coast. Along the way he makes friends with Michael Rooker and an eight year old girl who have been living on the surface with the mutated things and teaches Joel some valuable lessons. Joel does find Aimee and there is more to the story but why spoil this amazing creature filled film that you need in your life! This film is sure to be a favorite of most in 2020 as I give 4 stars.

 

10) Becky (On Demand) – We have two parallel stories going on in this deliciously brutal film that centers on a young girl named Becky. First, Becky and her father are in disagreement as usual since her mother’s death. Now, it is being forced upon her that dad has found a new woman and wants to be a family. Second, we are introduced to a couple of inmates who are super Neo-Nazis that have escaped transport heading to this isolated home in the woods looking for a hidden key. After another argument Becky runs off into the woods shortly after the inmates come a knocking for some bad ass mean shit to go down. The Neo-Nazis find out that Becky has the key so they try to make a deal but Becky refuses after watching her father being killed. From there we go into a downward spiral into some brutal scenes of revenge as Becky fights back. We get a sick eye gouge that requires the eye being snipped off, a new way to use school pencils, and a little girl (Becky) getting heart punched! The film is just plain screwed up and I loved it as don’t be surprised this sneaks its way into my “2020 top ten” as I give it 4 stars.

 

Honorable mentions of 2020

 

Snatchers (On Demand) – A teenager named Sara who is trying to be popular with her friends has sex with the hot guy Skylar she was seeing a while back. Sara awakes the next day to her surprise to find herself nine months pregnant! Backstory is its 2012 and her boyfriend went to Mexico and messed with some kind of Mexican statue of a god with a big penis. Sara asks her ex-bestie Haley for help. They head to the free clinic only to destroy the doctor’s head with Sara’s “VAGE CANNON” (her words not mine) and the bad idea becomes worse as it is a weird creature that acts like a parasite to humans. It only gets worse from there for Sara as her and Haley find out there is a second monster inside her. After the police department is destroyed by the monster chasing down Sara and Haley, the two friends find Skylar’s computer and learn of his debacle in Mexico as the two come with a plan to destroy the parasites… hopefully. Great casting of the two best friends, cool creatures, hilarious story as this film could show up on my “Best of 2020 list” as I give 4 stars.

 

Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas (On Demand) – Holy Rutger Hauer, filmmaker Travis Irvine has earned my respect for not only making a killer raccoon movie. But he did it while doing a parody of ‘Under Siege 2: Dark Territory’! We normal lunatics smell our own… But really prisoner Ty Smallwood now named Casey has just got released from jail after serving ten years for underage drinking. He is jumping on a train to Washington D.C. to hang with his dead girlfriend’s sister to explain what happened on the camping trip several years ago? As Darlene wants answers Ranger Rick Danger takes over the train with his raccoon assassins so they can steal data to hold the U.S. hostage while they sell secrets to foreign powers just like the Steven Seagal less liked sequel. Travis and crew not only deliver the goods but I couldn’t stop laughing as film continued on with the Killer Raccoons being the focus throughout unless it was Casey Smallwood. The effort, the passion, and raccoons trained by the C.I.A. with mini machine guns made this the holiday comedy to watch in 2020 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Llamageddon (DVD) – This wonderful creation is about an alien llama that crash lands on Earth in a small community and begin its takeover! When the llama isn’t stomping a victim with its hooves it is killing people with its laser eyes. Yes, you heard me correctly people when its shoots lasers from its red eyes fireworks go off. The alien llama stumbles upon a house party of young people where it begins killing them one by one but also spits on one party goer to have him begin a transformation. This independent film has it all folks and I absolutely laughed my ass off as the alien llama tries to destroy us all! If that isn’t enough pay attention to their drinking game as the character Dan changes shirts in every scene (17 times if I counted correctly?) I cannot thank filmmaker Howie Dewin enough for giving us this amazing gem of cinema as I give it 4 stars all the way!

 

Psycho Ape! (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer 2020 has sucked a huge bag of dicks! But folks I believe we have been given the film we need to make it through this slow ass death they call a pandemic. It is a low budget film from the great minds of Addison Binek, Steve Albers, and Greg DeLiso whose passion for independent projects is off the scale! If you have heard me speak the name of Addison Binek then you know I feel this is one talented dude. For example: when I take over SyFy Channel or Full Moon he would my “second-in-charge” or if there was someone that I would trust with Lloyd’s legacy it would be Mr. Binek. Some will feel this film is senseless but some like me will enjoy this hilarious Troma throwback laughing their balls off several times throughout the feature. Let me tell you a little about this ‘Psycho Ape’ film. Supposedly 25 years ago this dude in a cheap ape costume (cough, cough) I mean murderous ape escapes The Detroit Zoo and comes upon an unsuspecting teenage slumber party. The killer ape goes bananas on the young ladies leaving only one survivor Nancy Banana. I personally was hoping it would be Hannah Banana for some reason because some kind of weird PornHub dream I had last night after watching the film but that is for a different conversation. Nancy Banana is thrown off course from her life dream of being the next Jane Goodall because this gorilla’s murder spree of her friends but 25 years later she gets to be friends with this crazed hairy killer. But if Dr. ZOOmis has anything to say about he will he won’t let another 25 years of tracking down this deadly ape and several deaths later from breaking up the relationship between Nancy and Psycho Ape. The movie is hilarious, complete chaos, and like a lost film never released from Troma in the mid-80s and for that I am happy to report this treat of a film deserves 3 ½ out of 4 stars. And take my word on this I can see this following the same path as the ‘Leprechaun’ series or maybe not?

 

Zombie House Party Massacre (YouTube) – Finally a no budget film that lives up to its name as zombies are just trying to live civil lives in their home. But damn young humans come to rush the house to party and have unprotected sex! The zombies stay quiet in the upstairs room until one of the party goers hear the baby and take it. The zombies just wanting their zombie baby back chase the humans throughout the home and call for help from their zombie friends. What makes it hilarious as they chase the humans around the home they make fun of themselves that they must act a certain way in order to stay scary. Otherwise they are no different than any of us until they finally had enough and start eating the humans to get the zombie baby back! The short film is absolutely wonderful and I could not stop laughing at the zombie jokes as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

In Search Of: Pittsburgh Bigfoot (Vimeo) – When you have no money, know a bunch of people who want to be actors, and your passionate about your project you get what filmmaker Luther Cosmo Ickes Jr. gets… a hilarious and entertaining independent movie about Bigfoot. Or is it Bigfoots? Don’t know that is always a conversation that gets started whenever I review a Bigfoot movie and plus this project has multiple Bigfoot/Bigfoots! Anyway three yinzers are interested in the latest Pennsylvania sightings of Bigfoot. They wait out for spring since the winters can be gawd damn cold around here n’at. So the three chums head to the woods for some camping, illegal or legal drug use depending how much now that Pa. has turned the corner on that stuff, and looking for evidence of Bigfoot. Oh these three are not the only yinzers looking for Bigfoot apparently the Devil is also according to the witch of the woods and a goat dude with a giant dong! Of course this spells hijinks for the yinzers in the woods as they get lost, screwed up on shrooms, and find themselves in a war between the Devil and the Bigfoots as Bigfoots hitch a ride to the burgh. Lou tries to bond and save these creatures but in the end we all know what happens when the church tries to get involved. The film has many flaws but that is the beauty of Luther’s film: it is a film you grab friends, a case of beer and enjoy its glory because it isn’t going to win an Oscar for the love of Rutger Hauer it’s a gawd damn Yinzer Bigfoot movie as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The Best Documentaries

 

1) Smoke and Mirrors: The Story of Tom Savini (Shudder) – Being a huge Savini fan since I was a kid this was huge. I remembered the really cool “Scream Greats” doc from Fango in the 80s so see his life story in full talked about it was a wonderful treat. With this documentary you get everything from his inspiration to the untimely death of his brother to why he did not go to L.A. with famous names we know. For me it also connected some stories I have always heard from filmmaker friends and artists and have read about in the past. Like him or dislike him I have always respected him because he was doing something that was completely amazing and without him I do not believe we have some of the cool talented make-up and effects people now. Horror fans if you didn’t like Savini before you will after this as you get finally get the full understanding and first complete look behind the curtain of Savini’s life. This gets 4 stars all the way as Savini will always be someone I have looked up too then and now.

 

2) Suck Fest (DVD) – BPO Films is at it again with their latest project which is a documentary or mockumentary (depending how you look at it) about the three talented fellows(Ben, Blake, and Ryan) taking a trip to a horror convention to promote their film “Slaughter Drive”. The film isn’t so much about the convention as much as it is about the three friends’ relationship as it breaks down quickly once they hit the road to the hotel and they lose luggage, stolen credit cards, stuff goes missing, too much coffee, not selling shit at the horror convention, and one of the three thinking they were going to kick each other in the balls to settle a dispute! The film isn’t just funny but a laugh a minute as these fellows show off even more of their comedic side in their documentary (sort of?) as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. THIS WILL BE AVAILABLE AT GROSSFEST 2020 first time ever. Go check out www.bpofilms.com and get to know this great group of independent filmmakers.

 

3) Direct To Video: Straight to Video Horror of the 90s (DVD) – An excellent documentary from filmmaker Dustin Ferguson who brings together an abundance of critics, actors, and filmmakers to discuss not just their films but how this whole genre got started in the 90s. They discuss their favorites and how Hollywood and media was changing at the times and yes Charles Band gets a lot of credit as I give this really cool documentary 4 stars.

 

Worst movie I watched of 2020

 

Necropolis: Legion (On Demand) – Being a Full Moon fan I was very surprised they were reviving or reimaging this lesser known Empire Pictures film from the 80s. With Chris Alexander involved I had some high hopes going in… The movie begins with huge naked boobied women celebrating Satan. Hundreds of years into the future a female author who writes about the ‘dark unknown’ stays at an old farmhouse for her next project. Accidentally cutting her foot and bleeding into the wooden floor she conjures the witch that killed the original farmhouse owner. Now Eva the evil witch haunts the young author. Sorry Chris as much as I respect you this project was bad. It was uneventful and really doesn’t hold a torch to the original which wasn’t something of an accomplished film. If this was a short film… 15 minutes, okay I can see but 60 minutes of agony of an author who wants to be Goth but really isn’t. Nope, next time pass on the project my friend. I do not think the actress was bad as I believe there was nothing to work with as I give this new Full Moon project 0 stars and that is being kind. Sorry Chris I still respect you but this was a bad decision.

 

(Only mentioning this one for Joe Bob Briggs fans to be warned far in advanced)

 

Hogzilla (Shudder) – Joe Bob or no Joe Bob this film was terrible and Joe Bob Briggs was correct to rip it during one of his recent shows that had Darcy show it. A news crew heads into the Florida woods (yep, you heard me) to do a story on a rampaging giant mutant hog. Save your time, your effort, and being angry you made yourself watch this and go watch ‘Razorback’ again? Or check out the recent ‘Boar’ with Nathan Jones as this flick was just complete hot garbage and should have stayed lost as I give the 2008 film 0 stars.

 

Most disappointing film of the year!

 

Hanukkah (DVD) – It opens up with a man on December 8, 1993 who has slaughtered people during the “Festival of Lights” or Hanukkah but never got to finish. 36 years go by and someone has decided to pick up the killing spree during the Jewish holiday. Some Jewish friends who are not exactly celebrating the Jewish holiday become the targets of this sadistic killer. ‘Hanukkah’ has a wonderful cast to kill for but this holiday horror film is such a misstep as it drags on too long and I was expecting more from the crew behind it. Also there are weird delays during dialogue and a few important scenes that don’t exactly make a lick of sense? Super disappointed with the film and another example of you can have an all-star cast but that doesn’t mean you’ll have an all-star movie as I give it a ½ star.

Gross Movie Reviews #517

0

Gross Movie Reviews #517

 

Scare Me (Shudder) – So this was the other horror film released this year with the same title ‘Scare Me’ where two strangers meet in the middle of nowhere to tell each other stories. Fanny and Fred meet while jogging one morning. Fanny – the best-selling scary and Fred – some random dude who works on ads and tries to get away from real life to see if he can make his dream happen? A power outage sends Fanny over to invade Fred’s space or cabin to order pizza and tell stories to each other. This would have made a great teleplay to play out on radio that I have listened too on many Friday nights driving back from Cinema Wasteland. I know I am going to catch heat for this popular film. But if you like an over 100 minutes of two actors who are reading a script to you the viewer and Chris Redd from SNL does cocaine halfway through for a break then you’ll be in your glory! I personally found the movie meh and not for me but I believe this was a film literally aimed at a certain audience and that was it as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Reflection (YouTube) – A super creepy short film from filmmaker Philip Brocklehurst where a man looks into the mirror too long and sees another reality. Scary thought is the other reality wants in more often than not as I give the short film 3 out of 4 stars.

Tales of Frankenstein (Vimeo/DVD) – This is an anthology that is a little different and interesting for ‘Frankenstein’ fans. Donald F. Glut takes some of his short stories he written and turns them into a film that Victor Frankenstein is the running theme throughout the anthology. The stories are set from 1887 to 1957 and vary throughout: the first story gives us an origin and a love story, the second is about greed, the third is a film noir involving a detective and a mad doctor, and the last story gives Frankenstein fans a little of everything including being set in Transylvania. I absolutely enjoy the twist on an old monster and its tales and doing it in the format of an anthology works brilliantly! A couple decades ago the film ‘Frankenstein Unbound’ proved you can tell a perfect story differently and if anything add to its mythology. Mr. Donald F. Glut does this without effort but my only complaint is the film looks way too clean (if that makes any sense to yinz film junkies)? Cinema fans this independent anthology is worth tracking down and making it a part of your collection and for friends to enjoy as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Big Freaking Rat (DVD) – This film is a prime example of an idea that could be so awesome but ruined because nothing was totally seen through and looks more like crap just being thrown at the wall. Now I never expect an amazing giant rat movie every time out but I do expect a legit fun rat movie and this was not it. The film stars Felissa Rose a favorite among most horror fans who stars alongside a park ranger named Chief Brody who has supposedly help clean up a camping destination that was abused for years. Unbeknownst to him because two hillbillies dumping toxic waste into the lake a “Big Freaking Rat” is running around beheading humans and munching on their flesh to live. Before he can ever get the camping site up and running he must deal with the large rodent issue as it quickly boils down to teenagers and an exterminator vs. a large rat which was done with practical effects most of the time. Instead of keeping it simple and giving us a long lost SyFy Channel flick we get a movie that has you asking way too many questions during it instead of enjoying the “Big Freaking Rat” as I give it 1 star.

 

Theater of Blood (DVD) – An absolute gem of a film starring Vincent Price who is a stage actor about to make a comeback. His critics were so rude and shitty to the great Shakespearean actor he commits suicide in front of them. Two years go by and the critics start dying of horrible deaths in Shakespearean ways. Some of them believe the great play actor has returned from the grave but the authorities have trouble believing the story. But as the bloody bodies keep piling up they need to close this case before all the famous London critics are dead. This was my first time watch and like ‘House on Haunted Hill’ it just seems Vincent Price does his best work when the filmmakers allow him just be Vincent Price. Some decades have passed since this film’s release but this is an absolute treat for any horror movie fan as Vincent Price playfully allows his goons to destroy his critics until the ultimate climax! I just smiled how wonderful this film was from beginning to end as I give it 4 stars.

 

The Mummy (DVD) – This 1959 remake of the Universal Pictures classic got many people to pay attention to Hammer films as it stars Peter Cushing as John where his father, friend and himself discover a long lost tomb of Princess Ananka. When they open it they are warned to leave it alone or a curse would fall upon them. After the tomb is opened and some time passes the Mummy (played by Christopher Lee) is revived by a scroll and it wants revenge on all who were a part of opening the tomb. The film is absolutely beautiful looking but Christopher Lee literally steals the film as The Mummy and how he portrays it. Never got into Hammer Studios this is a good place to start as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Sebastian’s Unholy Flesh (YouTube/DVD) – Dakota Ray’s (writer, director, and actor) latest effort is about a shift in the universe or this case Lucifer dying for an unknown reason. This sets in motion a demonic presence known as Sebastian who sets forth and becomes flesh in order to obtain “The Unholy Book”. Just because this old evil is looking for the book that can destroy all mankind doesn’t mean other unholy evils are not looking also. The book changes hiding places on a regular basis but Sebastian quickly learns how to get it but keeping it becomes a much bigger issue as other demons want to fight to death in order to handle this great power! Dakota Ray goes super dark with this evil flick and is a cool slow burn. My only complaint on this ultimate evil tale might be I was expecting a satanic bloodbath but never got it. Understand that did not stop Mr. Ray and crew from putting together a fine tale about what would happen if the devil died? I give the film 3 out of 4 stars and can purchased at https://www.storenvy.com/stores/868254-dakota-ray-r-a-productions .

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #508

0

Gross Movie Reviews #508

Spirit Animal (DVD) – Madeline Deering has made a love letter to The Polonia Brothers, Jon McBride, Todd Sheets, and I am sure a few others that could be mentioned from that bygone era of S.O.V. I easily could have seen myself finding this “we all thought lost 1993 S.O.V. film” in Incredibly Strange Video here in Pittsburgh, Pa.! About 1998, I was finding a lot of these S.O.V. movies from the late 80s and early 90s as independent filmmakers were already using digital video and abandoned the VHS camera. Oh what a time then but that is what makes this such an awesome and unique project as Maddie, Joe, and talented cast got a VHS camera and went into overdrive to get this dream project done. Our story begins at Camp Wannawilla many years ago where a camp counselor is speaking with kids around a campfire about “Spirit Animals”. One child takes exception to this as Aarav believes he can be all of them not just one. Of course the camp counselor meets a horrible death and the camp is closed down. Many years pass and we follow a group of friends to West Virginia on New Year’s Eve to the same Camp Wannawilla. They set up camp, tell the story, and a killer with many animal masks begins slaughtering not just the group but all who enter the woods this New Year’s Eve as a special moon is coming. The music is excellent, ending is fucking great, good editing, good cast, and Maddie puts this all together on a VHS camera, the true old school none of that gimmick shit you get with your fancy laptops and cameras these days! Independent fans rejoice and enjoy because this gets 4 out of 4 stars and will most likely show up on my “Best of 2020 list”.

 

Blade the Iron Cross (On Demand) – So about 20 years too late we get a Blade standalone film Charles Band and Full Moon. Hey I was happy it was going to exist but they also kept it in the Nazi era instead of making it in present time. Bottom line plot wise is a psychic journalist; Elisa owns Blade and brings him to life to fight a Nazi scientist who continues his horrific experiments on humans. This Nazi scientist of course seeks to replicate the Toulon formula but also to enhance it. But Elisa with the help of Blade and a detective try to put a stop to it before it’s too late. For me the question remains do we even get this film if ‘The Littlest Reich’ is ever released? Because I don’t know about you Full Moon fans this movie was just meh as I give it 2 stars.

 

Weedjies! Halloweed Night (On Demand) – Three college girls need to raise funds for their next semester’s tuition so they have a Halloween party. So they rent a hotel in Vegas and Halloween it up for the party. The catch for all to come is that you pay to get in to be a part of a scavenger hunt and whoever wins gets this “ultimate weed”. The party gets going, the hunt begins, and an evil baroness shows up and gets the friends to play an evil game of Ouija that unleashes the “Weedjies”. If they do not capture the Ghoulies-lite extras they will also become part of the game. The Danny Draven film is one of those shut your brain off films that isn’t truly a horror film but kind of fun to watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Yummy (Shudder) – A Dutch horror film about a couple who are going to a shady ass hospital for a breast reduction. Allison feels they are too big and it’s time to do something about them. Finally after a false start because of the boyfriend barging in Allison and the doctors are ready for the surgery. That is until Allison’s boyfriend stumbles in to warn people about the zombie outbreak in the hospital. From there on it is all blood, breasts, and chaos that include a dong on fire! Cool creatures and great effects make this film a riot as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

A Man Called Rage (YouTube) – Another Eye-talian post-apocalyptic film from 1984 that has a lone man named Captain Strike or nicknamed Rage brought to a military facility after he kills like twenty men to begin the film. Rage is a man who never got sick after the nukes but there is many others that did and this group of people living in this facility need his expertise to lead an expedition to find Uranium. They believe with this the people can survive the oncoming illness. Captain Strike agrees and along the way makes a deal with a complete psycho who use to be in his outfit years ago for maps that lead them to an air base in the “Forbidden Lands”. They get there and there is no Uranium but something better… VHS tapes on engineering, seeds, and the bible as I give this fun apocalyptic flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Torturer (Vimeo) – A short story written by Paul Kane that has made into a short film about a man named Andy Brooks. Andy is thrown into a dark room to be interrogated by a stern man with a clipboard. No backstory, not just yet as this stern figure can’t anything out of Andy except for his name as Andy claims he doesn’t remember anything. What seems like your typical movie interrogation takes a turn when the torture begins and Andy has dreams or flashes of a past life that come to haunt him. An interesting take story wise and worth a look as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. www.LittleSparkFilms.net

Intrusion Disconnected (Google) – This is the long awaited sequel from writer/producer Craig Everett Earl’s 2015 creepy thriller ‘Intrusion’. Mr. Earl and crew waste no time keeping up the creepiness of the connection between Holly and Ray. Some time has passed since the tragic events of the first film and Holly is still nowhere near living a normal life. Convinced Ray is still alive since the police never found his body in the wreckage of the paramedic van’s accident. The nightmares come nightly as Holly wakes up screaming most nights staying with friends just trying to find a way to deal with it. But the gloves are off this time as the anniversary of the horrific event in Holly’s life draws near as there is a slaughter happening and it is slowly closing in on Holly. Craig dives deep into the two characters of Holly and Ray to expand their backstory and show their connection in this bloody sequel. Again they rely heavily on the Holly and Ray characters to move the story along more than blood or sex that is thrown into most Indy films to move them along. This is a unique independent film for the reason it is a true thriller which you do not get much in the low budget world these days and for that I give it 3 out of 4 stars. Katie Stewart and Craig Everett Earl, remember their names as I can see bigger budgeted projects coming their way soon as they are super talented people.

 

Savage Beach (On Demand) – This late 80s big boobied action/adventure flick is about two beautiful DEA agents crash landing on an island that has several people looking for gold. Apparently during WWII a Japanese boat went down nearby or may have shipwrecked on this island as it was carrying a lot of gold that set anybody up for life. So we have a few small groups of individuals trying to dupe the other while they find the gold first. These two beautiful ladies and a strange survivor from WWII just happen to wreck the treasure hunting party. It has a lot adventure hijinks to be put in the 80s sex comedy genre but if you enjoy that genre this will be worth a look as I give it 2 ½ stars for just keeping me entertained all the way through.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

 

Gross Movie Reviews #507

0

Gross Movie Reviews #507

The Cottage (DVD) – A UK horror/comedy that stars Andy Serkis as one of three men who devise a plan to kidnap a beautiful young daughter of a notorious club owner. Things go well for the three a whole five minutes until follies begin to happen like one of them forgetting their cell phone, needing to check in with the wife, the third being followed and checking the bag for ransom money. It’s one laugh after the next until the night club send in the boys to clean up the mess as they find the three hiding out at a cottage in a small village. Then the story change as one of the kidnappers’ and the young lady traveling the woods start finding a gory mess of body parts and a huge ‘Wrong Turn’ extra that is slicing and dicing anyone near his cottage. A wonderful and gory entertaining film for the horror fan looking to find their horror fix as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Deadly Reactor (You Tube) – In a supposedly post-nuke world where only Amish communities still exist a man (David Heavener) is left for dead and his family gunned down by an evil gang leader named “Hog”. Hog likes to lay waste to the innocent and buy guns and drugs in this new post-nuke world. The man left for dead was a preacher but is taught by an old man to be a gunfighter who heads to the first Amish community that has been taken over by Hog to fight back. He becomes sheriff and convinces the town for the long term they will need to fight back even if they do not believe in violence. There are bits and pieces of backstory between characters of what started the war that got them into this desolate future but never fleshed out. Sorry kids post-apocalypse film I am always curious about those details and especially during a dull B-flick from the end of the 80s as I give it 1 star.

 

Hogzilla (Shudder) – Joe Bob or no Joe Bob this film was terrible and Joe Bob Briggs was correct to rip it during one of his recent shows that had Darcy show it. A news crew heads into the Florida woods (yep, you heard me) to do a story on a rampaging giant mutant hog. Save your time, your effort, and being angry you made yourself watch this and go watch ‘Razorback’ again? Or check out the recent ‘Boar’ with Nathan Jones as this flick was just complete hot garbage and should have stayed lost as I give the 2008 film 0 stars.

 

The Intruder (DVD) – A group of people are invited to an island get together, weekend fling, whatever you wanna call it as a friend/relative has died and they are there for a reading of the will. This so-called death of a friend died in a plane crash over the Amazon and supposedly before his death got gold to his island retreat and hid it somewhere within its walls. As night falls and the people supposedly go to bed at the estate that is when the action begins and the bodies start to pile up quickly. While all left in the retreat are scared and wonder if one of them is killing others off an unknown killer lurks around the island taking care of business. I don’t like its multiple endings or places they could have ended but definitely worth a watch as this 1975 film starring Mickey Rooney and Yvonne DeCarlo was only released in 2017. For some reason the film was finished and shelved for decades. Could not find out exactly why it was shelved and for that long but again it is a solid “who dun it” film from the 70s for the older cinema nerds as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Beyond Dream’s Door (DVD) – Ben Dobbs is a young man who has many nightmares but his latest Ben has been keeping track of. The nightmares have seemed to be interconnecting and bring this to the attention of his professor of his Psych class. Ben has written them down word for word for his professor to read. He even has a daydream during class where he writes a phrase that makes confide in his professor about it. Professor Knox begins to read and feels like he is a part of it some weird magical way and asks for Ben to come over that evening so they can figure out where to go with the nightmare. Figure out what the nightmare means in general. Soon anyone associated with Ben or Professor Knox becomes a part of the nightmare. It is a film that will either be super dull to viewers or really radical for others as it is one those dreams bleed into reality with a cool looking demon that lurks throughout the nightmare chasing Ben as I give it 2 stars.

 

Deadly Impact (DVD) – Another Eye-talian production that was filmed in Arizona and Vegas where two old friends George (Bo Svenson) and Lou (Fred Williamson) get together for some unintentional action. George the cop keeps trying to arrest Lou a helicopter pilot just for any reason he can find but keep finding themselves chasing after two wannabe mob guys who caught onto a couple’s scam in Vegas. The couple was using computers to beat the system (its 1984 folks) to gain enough money to buy a ranch in Arizona and retire. These two mob extras catch on, follow them, and then kill the boyfriend and now track the girlfriend to get the money. George and Lou just keep finding themselves in one action scene after another trying to catch these two before they get away with the money. This film was actually a disappointment to me. Surprise, surprise folks I found a Fred Williamson flick I wasn’t that into as it felt like the film doesn’t go anywhere most of the time. Even though there is a couple cool car stunts just felt dull and the filmmaker didn’t know what to do with these veteran actors or there may have not been much of a script? Anyway I thought I was in for a treat but it turned out to be like stepping in dog poo in your backyard when you do not own a dog as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

River of Death (DVD) – Finally track down this Michael Dudikoff flick and didn’t know he else was in it until I started watching? We got Donald Pleasance as a Nazi war criminal financing an expedition and Robert Vaughn as a Nazi doctor who escaped in the Amazon to still perform his experiments. It begins in 1945 to give us a little backstory on the two Nazi war criminals and their plan to escape to South America. Then we are thrusted to 1965 where Dudikoff’s character is a man trying to make a few bucks being a guide through the Amazon jungle as he knows some of the tribes who live there and is putting together a map that leads to a lost city. He leads a father and daughter into the jungle to find out the strange cause of an illness that has stricken the tribes but is attacked and the daughter taken prisoner. Hell bent on going back Dudikoff gets financing from Pleasance to go in, find the lost city and its treasure. A very uneven story with a lot going on that is not the usual Dudikoff affair action buffs are use too. The film has star power, Dudikoff, and somewhat of a believable story to like movie wise but it just seems like it never hits its stride during the production as I give it 2 stars.

 

Cooking with Roger (DVD) – Indy filmmaker Jim Roberts unleashes his latest short film with the help of filmmaker Jorge Delarosa and crew that has an odd couple trying to film their cooking show for one of the social streaming sites. Roger with the help of his assistant or sister is trying to cook up something special for folks to try at home. Roger decides lets head to his son’s garden for some exotic herbs and veggies to add to the soup he is going to make? Roger convinces his assistant that a mushroom would be perfect for the soup even though he was told not to pick it or eat it. Now mind yinz they are filming their shenanigans sloppily throughout as they are very unschooled in what is proper for their cooking show that just adds to the authenticity of the amateur cooking show. Roger adds the mushroom to the soup, both he and his assistant taste the soup, and quickly they see a disgusting elf that convinces them they need more mushrooms. As both of them keep filming and keep devouring the soup and mushrooms Roger’s son shows up for the chaos. And sadly for Roger’s son it devolves into a horror show for all on the internet to enjoy! I give this evil fun and brilliance of a short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Ouija Shark (DVD) – Well you had me at ‘Shark’ and 69 minutes running time. Our story begins with a young beautiful lady finding a Ouija board that washed ashore where she decided to take a swim. Jill picks it up and takes along to the all-girls pool party she is attending with a college friend. After some swimming and cooking out she convinces the other young women to play along on the Ouija board. Of course something strange happens and Jill has an odd dream. Next day a spirit shark shows up in the woods and begins chasing down and munching down on humans. After Jill consults with her father who happens to be a “medium” and a couple friends become lunch to the spirit shark she grabs the leather for the climatic fight with the spirit shark. Not to mention the film ‘Ouija’ is reference several times and oh yeah we get some weird Mortal Kombat shit with the spirit shark in the climatic fight. This light-hearted and entertaining independent shark film was well worth the watch as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Tunnels (DVD) – This horror film promised rats and instead I got a thriller about corrupt newspaper owner trying to get rid of the city’s homeless. Pam the editor at The Guardian is challenged to take on the next story no matter how big or how little by the paper photographer. She does as it involves an exterminator taking her into the bowels of the old building looking for rats but instead finds the owner’s brother of the newspaper. From there the story turns from rats to trying to break the story about all the homeless disappearing and why. I may have been a little disappointed I didn’t have another giant rat invasion movie to watch. But go look at the star power that was in this film because they are the reasons I kept watching this lesser known thriller as I give it 2 stars.

 

Teenage Slumber Party Nightmare (DVD) – I didn’t have high hopes for this as I seen it described as a possible homage to ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ but I was expecting something fun in this independent feature. Instead we all get a very dull, uninteresting film if that is what you wanna call it about supposedly 16 year old girls having a slumber party during spring break. The girls are stalked by a 50 year old teenager named Kort who is in love with all the teenage girls at this slumber party. The film fails on all accounts as you should at least try to do something with your hot garbage script before you even try filming something that resembles a half-ass production done with your parents’ camera in one day. Or to keep it simple folks don’t insult us fans of the independent horror genre with your dumb shit that looks like a complete waste of time. I give it a can of dog poo that sat out in the hot sun and smells worse than when it was first picked up!

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #506

0

Gross Movie Reviews #506

 

Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street (Shudder) – A documentary that has been years in the making that centers on the actor Mark Patton from the second film in the series. For many years Mark was blamed by many fans for the failure of the sequel. In reality it did not fail it was just pointed out how “gay” the film was and the blame was placed on Mark Patton by the writer of the film and many critics over the years. This project and the aftermath changed his life so much he chose to walk away until he was contacted for the ‘Never Sleep Again’ documentary about the whole series and this is where Mark’s journey begins. A very interesting look into an industry that can just crush a human being into nothing but Mark has made it past it all to enjoy what he has now. This is a must watch for every Elm Street fan and horror fans in general as I give this 4 stars. For me I just always felt the film never fit the flow of the series and seemed darker than the first. But also too I wasn’t looking for the gay subplot like so many and just watching it for what it was a sequel. And for the love of Freddy ‘The Dream Child’ was just downright terrible not ‘Freddy’s Revenge’ and so glad Mark is on top of the world now.

 

Itsy Bitsy! (DVD) – A black egg is stolen from an ancient tribe and it is given to an old man for his now deceased wife. But the old man doesn’t see it that way and unwilling to trade or sacrifice to this ancient egg, things are predicted to go bad in his life soon. When the egg is broken it unleashes this huge hideous spider that slowly takes over the attic of his new neighbors or nurse and family who are going to take care of him. While things disappear, strange noises are heard, and the family is breaking a part slowly the huge spider is planning on the family being the feast it wants. Not a great spider film, it’s more of a second rate Goosebumps film than something fun as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Victim (YouTube) – A 1972 TV movie starring everybody’s sweetheart from the ‘Bewitched’ show, Elizabeth Montgomery where she plays a character named Kathryn Wainwright. Kathryn is worried about her soon-to-be divorced younger sister Suzie. So Kathryn travels to her sister’s out of the way place during a storm that has knocked out phone lines and roads. Once there Kathryn cannot find Suzie and has learned from a friend of Suzie’s the long time housekeeper was fired a while ago. As the mystery thickens the soon-to-be ex-husband shows up and the housekeeper is still lurking around. A quite fun TV mystery worth checking out if you got 70 minutes to burn as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Strange and Deadly Occurrence (YouTube) – A TV movie from 1974 that looked like it had potential starring Robert Stack and Vera Miles. They are a family with their teenage daughter move out from the big city to the mountain small town area. First six months of living there everything is just fine then all of sudden problems with the electricity; a weird ass doctor dude asking to buy the place, gopher problems, and the daughter is having some strange dreams at night. The cops have been a few times and just believe it is the rich city folk overreacting, but when the weird doctor shows up dead in the pool things get interesting… Or should have? Not to give too much away like I did on our podcast Bloodbaths and Boomsticks: The buildup was cool but the payoff can go suck a bag of dicks because it was lame as I give this limp entry of a TV movie 1 star.

Shellmont County Massacre (DVD) – A small town has a serial killer problem suddenly and it quickly gets out of hand when a young man in a clown mask decides to start knocking on peoples’ doors. He absolutely enjoys the horror he brings to those who open the door. The serial killer is nicknamed “The Shellmont Butcher” when the bodies keep piling up and the sheriff no longer wants to bring the killer to justice but just end his existence. The actors were good, great exploding head effect along with some fun gore scenes, but the middle of the film feels more like filler than actually having something to keep you interested throughout the film. Hack off ten minutes or so of the filler and I believe independent fans are saying a lot of great things about this film as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Battle Beyond the Stars (DVD) – Plain and simple this was Roger Corman’s answer to ‘Star Wars’… ‘The Magnificent Seven’ in outer space. A peaceful planet is threatened to be destroyed in a few days by an overlord in John Saxon. A young man is sent out into space to seek out mercenaries who would be willing to help their cause in fighting this overlord. Depending how you are looking at the ship the kid is flying it is either a huge ballsack or a pair of giant boobies! Anyhow the young man finds some characters who are more than willing to help fight Sador in a war in which Sador has never lost. The biggest threat to them all is the weapon called “Stellar Converter”, if they can stop that they can stop Sador. For 1980 and on a Corman budget the film still holds up somewhat today as I give the film 3 stars.

 

Milwaukee Murders (VHS) – A never released S.O.V. movie with big hair, so-called twenty-something actors playing high school kids, an exploding Ford Pinto, and a killer on the loose. But it isn’t just any killer it is Vanessa’s boy toy Huey who is being teased for seeing an older woman by his friends. Vanessa convinces Huey to kill for her and as proof she wants body parts. But be careful what you wish for Vanessa as it backfires and Huey comes for her also! The movie is terrible and hilarious as you can see why it was never released intentionally. Even it is bad I am glad I did get to watch it as I give it maybe… 1 star.

Massacre on Aisle 12 (DVD) – It is Christmas Eve and Dave has started his new job at the big hardware store. Dave and another employee try to move a heavy tool crib until they open it and find out along with all the store employees there is a dead body in it. Also a large sack of money! The employees are faced with a dilemma keep the money or call the cops. Or just lockdown the store and awkwardly not try to kill each other while trying to act like you don’t want the money… Money or not the bodies drop quickly and the filmmakers use the location to its fullest as I give this fun little horror comedy 3 stars.

 

Thunder (VHS) – Mark Gregory, a young Native American comes back home only to find trouble quickly with his local law officers. If that wasn’t bad enough a construction company has begun to build on the ancient cemetery that is protected by a treaty between the government and Indians many years ago. Thunder tries to do the right thing and take it to the authorities, the bank, but none of give a crap because he is a Native American. So Thunder decides to go to war with the police department and the construction company himself. The authorities try to make it out like Thunder is a crazy person but a news reporter who happens to be driving through the town stays to write a story. This might be the only way Thunder isn’t killed by the authorities? A fun Eye-talian rip-off of ‘First Blood’ starring Bo Svenson as the sheriff and it was shot in Arizona in 1983 as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Thunder 2 (VHS) – After barely escaping a few years back Thunder returns to his small town again but this time he returns as a deputy sheriff who was hired by the governor. Thunder quickly learns of a corrupt deputy that is taking advantage of young poor Native Americans with drugs. Soon Thunder finds himself framed and sent to county jail. But of course that doesn’t last long as he breaks out and goes to war again with the town and the police. The first film was a fun rip-off where the sequel seems more like a thrown together film in hopes of making a quick buck with no thought as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Blood Feast (remake/DVD) – I had no expectations going into this film because just like everyone else I felt this had been done already… ‘Blood Diner’ anyone! Hell even ‘Blood Feast 2’ made a decade or two ago? But of course that didn’t stop anyone as an American family the Ramses headed to Paris six months ago and started an American restaurant. The owner Fuad is having tough times so he picks up a second job working night shift at a museum. One morning Fuad loses his pills which are critical to his health and that night is when he witnesses Ishtar. Ishtar has fascinated Fuad so much he goes to the library and does research on the goddess. Thus the research makes Fuad believe he has found the answer to his failings in Paris and it starts with a feast that upcoming Saturday night with his family. Not only is he feeding on those he is killing but his family will also feast all in the name of Ishtar. There is doubt the film is gory as hell and Robert Rusler has that voice that just fits the role for the film but I was still not impressed overall. The film isn’t overall and maybe this is more for the newest generation of horror fans but I will always have ‘Blood Diner’ as I give this film 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #505

0

Gross Movie Reviews #505

Cry Havoc (On Demand) – I was so looking forward to Bootleg Chuck Bronson’s first slasher film that includes Richard Tyson as the bad guy! Richard Tyson is known only as “The Voyeur” as he hides in the deep mountains as he has made the F.B.I’s top ten most wanted list. The Voyeur has granted an aspiring journalist to visit and interview him so he can explain his art and experiments he is doing. What the world doesn’t know is The Voyeur uses a mass murderer only known as “Havoc” to conduct his projects. Young women are kidnapped and thrown out in the woods for Havoc and it is filmed by all of Voyeur’s cameras for his art. Interview is going well and The Voyeur is happy until Bootleg Chuck Bronson has followed of them to the secret location as he is looking for his missing daughter he hasn’t seen in years. If Havoc isn’t slaughtering people we get long scenes of Bootleg Chuck Bronson walking around and then a long climatic fight scene that really doesn’t end… Hell the film itself just stops like they forgot to edit the ending in or something? I had high expectations going in but they gradually were dying a slow death as the movie went on with its non-ending as I give the Bootleg Chuck Bronson flick only 2 stars this go around.

 

The Deadly Mantis (DVD) – A fun 50s sci-fi flick about a giant prehistoric mantis that has awakened from the ice above the Arctic Circle. With it traveling southward the U.S. military declares war on the large creature as its beginning to feed on humans along the way. The monstrous mantis is cheesy and never gets old as I give the classic monster flick 3 stars.

 

Ghetto Blaster (YouTube) – The 1989 direct-to-video ‘Death Wish’ clone stars Richard Hatch as Travis and R.G. Armstrong as his father. Travis has returned to the old neighborhood after three long years and the neighborhood has changed. To help set the tone of the movie it opens up with a drive-by shooting between gangs that a child is shot in. So of course this must mean gangs rule the streets of the old neighborhood and Travis’ father doesn’t want to give up the old store and retire. Then a botch robbery happens when the Hammers come to collect and his father is shot and killed. From there Travis uses his Special Forces skills to prank the Hammers gang and get under their skin but eventually gets physical when they kidnap his daughter. This is your third tier vigilante stuff but entertaining enough I was glad to track it down as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Night Shift Collection (VHS) – First released in 1986 then again in 1994 and they are two short films based on the Stephen King collection of stories of the same name. The first short is ‘The Woman in the Room’ about a lawyer whose mother is dying from cancer and he is trying to decide if he should help her along? Thus he cannot stand the misery she is in. The second short is ‘The Boogeyman’ about a man name Mr. Billings who has had a couple of his children die in his care. Mr. Billings goes to see a psychiatrist because he believes it is the Boogeyman that has killed them? Depending on the info you read on the internet these two shorts based on the King stories were student films paired together and put out there to capitalize on all the King film adaptions. Anyway the shorts are a little dull but worth the watch if you never knew they existed as I give it 2 stars. P.S. the shorts were filmed in 1982 and 1983.

 

Night Shift Collection 2 (VHS) – Another pair of short films that were released in 1989 claiming to be a part of Stephen King’s short story collection to film but only one of the shorts truly were. The second one may have been influenced by King’s work but had nothing to do with King. Again these two shorts were filmed in 1983 but never released until 1989 with less fanfare than the first set. Hell this second set was only a rumor in some horror circles and it seems the means of seeing it might be YouTube these days. What is weird about this set is the first short is ‘The Disciples of the Crow’ or what we all would come to know in 1984 as ‘Children of the Corn’. Same movie in short form with no stars and less about the corn and more about worshipping crows. The second short is someone else’s work called ‘The Night Walker’ that is about a young man named Walter who worked one night shift in a hotel that just reopened room #321 for the first time since the 40s. Apparently a couple on their wedding night did a murder/suicide and this has Walter curious and scared at the same time. This collection is worth the watch for the mere reason of its connection to ‘Children of the Corn’ as I give it 2 stars.

Post-Apocalyptic Commando Shark (DVD) – A hilarious concept for an independent film about Soviet doctors splice human and shark DNA together to make a Russian commando shark. This soldier enables the Red Army to invade the United States and begin WWIII. U.S. citizens fight for their lives but the man-shark is hell bent on killing every American soldier it finds. The idea is absolutely wonderful but begins to lose its luster about halfway through the film. To me it felt if they had a great idea with a subpar script and trying to use ‘Sharknado’ as a springboard for all to come running. Better script equals better movie so instead of 82 minutes maybe you should have ended it after 35 minutes. But hey kudos to yinz for getting Debbie Rochon for a cup of coffee as it wasn’t no ‘Bad CGI Sharks’ and for that I can only give this feature 2 stars.

 

Haunter (YouTube) – Philip Brocklehurst who seems to working on a new short film every month these days has another about a young male. This young man is disrupted from his sleep to find his house is haunted and it has had enough of him being there… Scaring him life may not be enough! I give it 2 ½ out 4 stars as I would have liked to see this short film go a little longer as there felt like there was more to the story?

 

Devil’s Trail (DVD) – Filmmaker Henrique Couto decided to dip his toes into the “Found Footage” genre with this tale he filmed in 2016. We have two internet hosts heading out to New Jersey Pine Barrens for a 21-day survival trip for their internet show. They will film everything they do and what happens as they are only allowed to bring three items a piece for this survival trip. Along the way they discuss the “Jersey Devil” among other urban legends about the woods. But as things do not go as planned for the duo the relationship breaks down and strange things begin to happen. Does it have something to do with the witches they encounter at the beginning of their trip, very possible? I agree with Henrique in his interview in the extras this genre of film can die horribly if the ending isn’t interesting and with his ‘Devil’s Trail’ whether you love it or hate it you cannot lie the ending of this film makes it worth watching! Thank you for that my friend as I give the film 3 stars.

 

Dinosaurus! (DVD) – A super cheesy film from 1960 that has a construction crew unearthing prehistoric dinosaurs from the sea floor that includes a caveman. The man who runs the island finds the caveman first and has big plans once getting his body off the island. Problem a storm rolls through and resurrects the caveman and dinosaurs and they run rampant through the island chasing the natives and the construction crew! This is B-movie stuff well worth the watch and laughs as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh (Shudder) – Quite the Eye-talian film mystery as Julie Wardh is married to a wealthy Wall Street dude but also has been bad taste in men before and during her marriage. Julie Wardh only got married because she considered him safe for her lifestyle but has gotten bored again and out banging the socks off any nice looking dude she can find. But there is a catch one them could be a serial killer as this is ongoing in her life a man with a razor blade is slicing up young women. An interesting twist in the film comes when someone tries to blackmail Julie but gets her best friend Carol murdered but this only serves as the appetizer to what the ending of the film brings us. Usually these types of film or giallo are not my cup of tea but the ending makes it all the worthwhile as I actually didn’t see that ending coming and for that I give it 3 stars.

 

Street Asylum (VHS) – This 1989 film was one of those flicks that I seen released in theaters for a weekend and then disappeared. Of course I knew Wings Hauser was the star and found this on YouTube so it was time to finally get my first watch in. Wings Hauser is Sgt. Ryder who is working the Hollywood beat of degenerates. After he gets shot during a rooftop incident he gets an offer from a captain to join a special police force called “S.Q.U.A.D.” This new force is going to clean up the streets of Hollywood one body bag at a time. As Ryder first gets into the new swing of things he soon understands things are not right as his partners go nuts and supposedly commit suicide. Ryder slowly going insane discovers he is part of a human experiment to make a better police officer. Once he removes the implant from his back it is now time for revenge against the man behind it all, the new mayor to be! As usual Wings Hauser was great; Brion James as the crazy preacher… perfect, but the film lags in the middle some like a few too many edits may have been made to this B-Grade sci-fi thriller as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Cy Warrior (VHS) – I can never get enough of cheesy Eye-talian Sci-fi stuff and this was no different as Henry Silva plays the villain mercenary hired to bring in a cyborg. The military loses a newly built cyborg with no program who decides to take a stroll to an island. There a boy finds him and takes the cyborg to his hot sister with almost saying, “Found you the perfect dude to bump uglies with and someone I think is bad ass because he is part man/part machine.” The military wants Silva to pick up their secret project before anyone notices? Silva just wants to fucking kill a shitload of innocent humans and blow up this thing of the face of the Earth. Yep, there is your movie besides the cyborg salsa dancing, I think, with the hot sister and trying to escape the clutches of Henry Silva. Worth the laughs folks as I give this feature 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #503

0

Gross Movie Reviews #503

 

Something Evil (YouTube) – An early 70s TV flick that stars Darren McGavin as part of a married couple who decides to buy an old country home out in the middle of nowhere. Problem is they picked the wrong home and it has some weird paranormal things happening Possibly Satan or just some demonic being. Being city folk and not sure how to deal with it they even look into getting a priest. Sounds cool if you’re a fan of this 70s TV stuff but even the die hards got to admit there isn’t much of a payoff when it is all said and done as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Panther Squad (DVD) – A crazy Sybil Danning flick from the early 80s about a new organization that has been formed called N.O.O.N. They would like to conquer space as most places on the planet except for a few select islands refuse to cooperate are all for this. So a group called “Clean Space” takes over the space rocket and holds it hostage. In response the governments okay a covert operation that calls in Danning’s character and her elite woman military squad. Besides looking like extras from a Duran Duran video they help track down Clean Space and put a stop to their tactics. Hilarious B-movie stuff that gets you Sybil Danning in skin tight leather throughout the feature, looking through binoculars for at least half of the film. Not totally sure if Full Moon actually has the rights but sure glad they put it out on DVD for all of us to enjoy. I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Quantum (Shudder) – Another twist on the zombie genre where a Native American community begins to see weird shit: gutted fish become alive again, dogs are dying, and then a drunken dude begins biting people. Not fully explained how it started this sends an Indian reservation into lockdown fighting off hordes of the undead. Six months later and the whole apocalypse has happened. The residents of the reservation have come to find out they are immune for an unknown reason. Now they discuss it a couple times why it might be… but they still need to survive as they can still be eaten and overtaken. Fighting among each other is their downfall as they fight over whether they should allow the white man into their secure community? Good amount of gore and a twist in the zombie genre makes the film an intriguing choice. I like the film but didn’t love it but feel no matter what kind of horror fan you are it does deserve a chance as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Easter Holocaust (DVD) – An independent holiday film that tackles the Easter Bunny that is just an absolutely too fucking long of a movie. EDITING IS NOT A BAD THING KIDS!!! The bunny happens to be an evil force that collects human hearts and a woman who escapes the local asylum is looking for evidence of the bunny existing. There is a whole boring storyline about the woman being the chosen one and a dumb hillbilly cannibal family. The only real redeeming thing about the whole film is a ‘Death by a Suction Cup Dildo!” Outside of that you can live your life without watching this as I give a half star. Thank me later from saving you to watch 2 plus hours of complete crap.

 

The Open Trail (DVD) – Another film from Dan Komarek that comes in about 34 minutes is about two friends Sam and Chris going on a hike in the woods. Things are going great until Sam falls off some high rocks and possibly breaking his leg. With friends not leaving friends behind Chris does his best to get Sam back close enough to get him help? But they both believe something or someone is just behind them at all times. After hearing gun shots in the distance Sam’s leg feels better to run but it’s too late as the two friends must face off with their unknown assailant. Mr. Komarek was smart to keep the film short as it is rough around the edges plot wise but more than makes up for it with the characters legit chemistry between them as they fight for their lives. You can see Dan Komarek is passionately trying to get better with each project and a lot of times that is what independent film fans want as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Motor Home Massacre (YouTube) – Some so-called friends jump into an old RV and go for a ride into the woods. That part of the woods (Black Creek) that just happened to have a murder or two in the night before. This doesn’t stop the friends from enjoying the quiet area for drinking and all the sex. Of course there is an unhappy psycho who is pissed all the sex is going down and people need to be killed with a bad plot twist. A lot of us love slasher films and a lot of us enjoy independent slashers but when the project has no heart from the beginning and looks like the story was dumped on film that is never good. Great title, disappointing film, which I am not thankful for as I give it a ½ star.

Bad CGI Sharks (DVD) – A brilliant story about two brothers Matthew and Jason who are very close in many ways as kids. As kids they wanted to make a shark movie like no other but eventually that dream was squished as their father considered Jason a lost cause. Many years later Mathew has grown up and living out in Hollywood! Mathew’s life is turned upside down when his older brother Jason shows up who just so happens to be a bum who still wants to make shark movies. After some fighting, smoking weed, and talking about their movie script with no ending they wrote as kids called, “Sharks Outta Water” a floating shark shows up! It first eats the neighbor but eventually it begins chasing the brothers. It seems a man with a magical clapper board as brought their childhood movie script to life and now they must deal with it in many hilarious ways. Don’t just rent, buy this fucking movie NOW! One of the most entertaining independent shark films ever made as I give this sure to be on the “Best of 2020 list” 4 out of 4 stars.

 

5G Zombies (On Demand) – Yep, leave it me to find another film trying to deal with the Corona Virus and of course it involves zombies. This independent film uses the 5G upgrades and the Corona Virus happening at the same time not a fluke. The upgrades is causing the virus to mutate and causing people to become zombies. Most of the film is a series of shorts spliced together of people doing their character parts over laptops and phones during the ongoing pandemic. Biggest difference between this film and the one from Full Moon is ‘5G Zombies’ goes out of its way to be serious where the other made it a joke from the start. Right or wrong in making these types of films during a pandemic can be debated forever but I just believe maybe this flick should have taken a clue from Full Moon. This film be forgotten quickly if even watched as I give it 1 star.

Killer Ants (On Demand) – A young couple (Evan and Cory) move to small town Texas from New York for a teaching job. Cory enjoyed New York very much and finds the move hard to adjust especially because she keeps getting bit by fire ants and a specialist in fire ants, Olivia has shown interest in Evan. While Cory becomes an amazing shitty cuntface of a character the fire ants have begun to mutate, growing larger, and acting much different than their species dictates. After the wonderful death of Cory in a fridge Olivia tries to not bang Evan on her gravesite in order to find out what is the real cause of her death. The real cause leads to something much more sinister than Olivia and Evan are prepared for. Kudos to the writer, filmmaker, and actress making up one of the most unlikable characters in a movie I have had the pleasure of watching die in a horror movie and for that I give this flick 3 stars.

 

The Strangeness (DVD) – An odd low budget flick that was filmed in 1980 but wasn’t released until 1985 into horror film obscurity. The film has found DVD recently allowing weirdos like me to watch the film and compare it to a film like ‘The Boogens’. A group of people are being paid to chart an abandoned mine called “Golden Spike Mine”. Abandoned many years ago because missing miners and miners refusing to work because of stories of a monster living in the mine. When a cave-in mishap happens the group chooses to go deeper in the mine thinking they can avoid the part of the mine with the stories of monsters. An unseen creature picks them off one by one as they go deeper into the mine until the creature is revealed and it’s a big Vagina! If that wasn’t enough listen to music as I believe John Carpenter might wanna get a lawsuit together? For me the film was neither good nor bad but was just happy to see this low budget mess as I give it 2 stars.

Zombie House Party Massacre (YouTube) – Finally a no budget film that lives up to its name as zombies are just trying to live civil lives in their home. But damn young humans come to rush the house to party and have unprotected sex! The zombies stay quiet in the upstairs room until one of the party goers hear the baby and take it. The zombies just wanting their zombie baby back chase the humans throughout the home and call for help from their zombie friends. What makes it hilarious as they chase the humans around the home they make fun of themselves that they must act a certain way in order to stay scary. Otherwise they are no different than any of us until they finally had enough and start eating the humans to get the zombie baby back! The short film is absolutely wonderful and I could not stop laughing at the zombie jokes as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #491

0

Gross Movie Reviews #491

Velocipastor (DVD) – Oh for the love of Rutger Hauer someone has been reading my mind again and I thank them as this movie exists! Young Pastor Doug loses his parents to a rogue car explosion before the opening credits. Being upset with God, Doug wants to find himself because this tragic event has made him question everything so he travels to China or someone’s backyard made to look like it for answers. There Doug is approached by a dying Chinese woman who scratches him with an artifact and calls him “Dragon Warrior”. After this event Pastor Doug finds himself back home at bed unsure of how he got there. Still unsure Pastor Doug takes a walk in the park where he transforms into a raptor that helps a hooker named Carol. Carol being appreciative takes Velocipastor home and tries to convince of what happened and what he can do with his new found powers. But meanwhile ninjas and Doug’s lost brother are all about bringing down our new found superhero! Does Doug become a crime fighting dinosaur or die at the hands of ninjas as give this beautiful movie is amazing and absolutely fucking hilarious as I give it 4 stars!

 

Spanish Chainsaw Massacre (DVD) – As I scrap the bottom of the barrel ‘massacre filmland’ I came across this abomination that has a bunch of random violent scenes and boobs during the first ten minutes of the picture that has nothing to do with the movie. So once you are past that we get the real plot which is barely 60 minutes long about the band ‘Metal Dicks or Cocks’? They use both names during the film so go with whatever penis name you are comfortable with. The band’s manager takes them on tour only to breakdown in a small village that just happens to be full of cannibals who don’t mind taking a bite out of a dong or two. Lots of very wacky and gory scenes of flesh-eating but is it really interesting? It is more disorienting with a few laughs as I give the film 1 star.

 

Bachelor Party Massacre (DVD) – Remember the independent film was made in 2006 so it was influenced by “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. If that doesn’t scare you off then knowing it takes ‘the raincoat killer’ 70 minutes to kill four dudes in an empty bar should as I give this badly produced flick a ½ star.

 

Killer Sofa (DVD) – A crazy dude named Fredrico who is obsessed with a dancer commits suicide to put his spirit into a recliner and for it to be sent to her when found. The recliner is sent to the dancer Francesca who is very accepting of the recliner but soon weird things begin to happen with the piece of killer furniture inside her apartment and she cannot explain it. The movie peaks about halfway through when it completely goes off the rails after killing Francesca’s boyfriend and start talking witches and other random shit of how this killer recliner came to be? Honestly why explain? It is a fucking movie called “Killer Sofa”! Stop over thinking the plot and just give me a sofa eating people, movie done! How fucking hard is it as I give this disappointing movie 1 ½ stars.

 

Murder by Death (DVD) – A 1976 murder/mystery/comedy that was most likely was the influence to the “Clue” movie that is so much fun. Five of the world’s finest detectives are brought together to a spooky mansion to solve a crime that hasn’t been committed yet. The detective that does win will win a million dollars. Great 70s all-star cast provide lots of hilarious moments to a film that may be lost on a generation or two of movie fans. If you’re a movie buff this film is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

Deadtectives (Shudder) – A group of people who have faked a popular paranormal show for five seasons without ever finding any real ghosts! But now the show is tanking and if they don’t have an amazing finale they are going to be canceled. So the group against their wishes has a new producer and sent to Mexico to investigate Mexico’s most haunted place that has a history of people dying there. Not taking it seriously the group does their usual antics until they begin to figure out they are now facing real evil and may not live to tell anyone about it. The group must put their heads together to actually figure how to defeat the evil that resides in the house in order to leave… Funnier than I ever thought it would be as I give it 3 stars.

When the Fever Breaks (DVD) – An independent film that uses zombies as a minor back drop piece in a plot of how friends turn on each other. It begins with friends (one of them, George looks like a bootleg Karl Urban) escaping a horde of zombies to a secure house. People are turning from scratches more than bites and everyone is unsure if the chemical leak had anything to do with the apocalypse that has them running for their lives. Skye and Haley are the best of friends but soon become enemies as Skye is bitten and trapped in her garage with her daughter. Skye is already sentenced to death by friends just because of survival. The second half of the movie becomes more about Skye taking her home back and helping her daughter survive than zombies attacking the home. Again the zombies are just a backdrop here and I believe it to be a very cool thing that was well executed with a twist as I give the film 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Beyond the Law (DVD) – A 1968 spaghetti western starring the late great Lee Van Cleef who plays an outlaw named Cudlip who has two partners in crime who steal the miners’ payroll on its way to the small town Silvertown. Novak is a European man who was protecting the payroll and vows to go back to Greenstone to get the insurance payroll. Totally still looking for what may have happened to the payroll Novak meets Cudlip in the middle of the desert. They quickly become friends on different paths, Novak going to Greenstone to protect the payroll and Cudlip to steal it with his two friends. Everything goes to both plans until real time outlaws show up and start a shoot out to get the payroll. Thanks to Cudlip and friends it doesn’t happen but now the stakes are raised higher for Cudlip to decide if he wants to steal the silver or just become an honest man after he is made sheriff. Great spaghetti western with a great ending as you can never go wrong with Van Cleef as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

The Grand Duel (DVD) – Some people might know this 1972 film under its other name “The Big Showdown”. Either way it stars Lee Van Cleef as a bad ass old sheriff who is looking to help a condemned young gunfighter. Sheriff Clayton lays his job on the line to defend the kid that is accused of a murder he did not commit. Cleef’s character must face off in a bloody duel with the potential president candidate in order to clear the young man’s name. Great back and forth scenes between Cleef and the young gunfighter as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Shoot’em Up (DVD) – A completely unrealistic comic bookish action film starring Clive Owen as Mr. Smith who is just minding his own business until a pregnant woman comes running past into an alley. She is tracked down by an unknown man who is trying to kill her. After Mr. Smith takes a bite of his carrot he decides to get involved and from the chaos begins and does not stop until the credits roll. Mr. Smith helps deliver the baby during a shootout with mobsters and escapes with the child who becomes known as Oliver after the mother is shot in the head. Mr. Smith is on the run with Oliver until he meets up with an old friend who happens to be a high priced hooker that feeds breast milk to dudes. No matter what Mr. Smith wants to protect the child for the mere reason a mob boss wants the baby. But if that wasn’t good enough I give you subplot of the baby is a part of some strange government bone marrow experiment for a presidential hopeful! The film blends the outrageous fun of 80s action films with a comic bookish storyline that completely works brilliantly to be enjoyed time after time as I now can take Clive Owen seriously and for that I give 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

 

It will be here before you know it: Grossfest 3: Season of the Gross, July 25-26th, 2020. Check out www.grossfest.com for details.