Gross Movie Reviews #500

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Gross Movie Reviews #500

 

The Dark Dealer (DVD) – This is another independent anthology from a dude, Tom Alexander that is his only director credit. He has done other things in the movie biz but apparently I guess he didn’t like didn’t after this 1995 feature. A young man stumbles into a blackjack game in the basement of an office building that he is running from an electrical force. He is asked to sit down as he has time to wait and each player has their story told by the dealer as he deals them all in for blackjack. First story is about a couple of low life criminals breaking into the wrong old man’s apartment… Pretty cool creature in this one. Second story has a music lawyer stealing dead blues artist music for profit. Third story of course is the young man who stumbled into the game. He is forced by a drug dealer to break into his father’s pharmacy lab company to grab some drugs to sell and all the young man was trying to do was get his girlfriend out of debt and clean. If you are a fan of the 90s version of “The Outer Limits” then this is right up your alley as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Meet the Feebles (DVD) – Peter Jackson’s 1989 effort that wasn’t seen by most audiences until about 1994 after ‘Braindead’ aka ‘Dead Alive’ was dropped on horror fans. Best way to may describe this film is imagine if the Muppets were in a Bizarro parallel dimension. Robert is the newest cast member of the “Feeble” chorus for the ‘Meet the Feebles’ variety hour. Through Robert and his interactions we are introduced to all the cast and the reality of what goes on behind the scenes: sleaze, paternity suits, drugs, disease, a rat filming porn and that is just some of it. Everything seems to be going dandy until Heidi the star is fired when ‘Meet the Feebles’ has now been signed into syndication. To this day it is still one of the weirdest, most glorious films ever made and thank you Peter Jackson as I give it 4 stars!

 

The Goalie (On Demand) – A biopic about one the most famous NHL goaltenders Terry Sawchuk who played most of his career during the 50s and 60s without a goalie mask. Terry was considered then and still considered one of the best goalies to play in the league. The film touches upon how Terry beat himself up just to stay in the game because during this era of hockey goaltenders were considered expendable no matter how good you were. If you had a bad streak one season there was a chance you would be cut for the next guy in the minors and at a time when all the teams only carried one goalie. The story is somewhat sad but very interesting if you never been that big of a fan of hockey or on the other end a super sports nut as I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Black Face Killer (DVD) – This 2009 independent flick is set in 1978 Texas and I know the filmmaker is trying to go all Quentin Tarantino but I feel he failed in trying to go for that. Instead yes the film does come off a little racist. Hell they changed the name of the film to ‘The Minstrel Killer’ when it got picked up for distribution so that is for another conversation. Anyway we have a couple of officers who are stuck together to work a case where a serial killer is believed to be? The theory is the killer happens to be using “slave torture methods” to kill. The film has its sleaze, cannibalistic hillbillies, and a couple dead bodies but overall it is dull and a poor excuse to use the N-word. I am sure there is an audience out there for this film it just ain’t me as I give it 0 out of 4 stars.

Teen Lust (DVD) – Surprise another cool horror comedy from Canada that no one has talked about. Neil is your usual uncomfortable male teenager who has church to go too… The Church of Satan, yes Neil, his best friend, the parents all go to The Church of Satan that is led by the wonderful Cary Elwes as Sheldon. Instead of Neil accepting the hot girl’s invite to the high school party of the year he declines because he must keep his oath of being a virgin and go to church Saturday evening to be sacrificed. Once he is Satan will rise and stop the 1000 years of peace! Right as Neil is about to be sacrificed his best friend Matt grabs him and they escaped only to be chased down the rest of the night by Satanists. But there is hope as Neil goes and visits another great friend Denise who is a girl and actually likes Neil. But just like most teenagers there are glitches and one of them is Neil does it on Denise’s leg before the act gets started. Eventually the Satanists catch up and try to get him back to the altar before sunrise. A very hilarious film in the same vein as the recent ‘Satanic Panic’ as I give it 3 stars.

Skeletons in the Closet (Blu-ray) – I am always excited to watch another Tony Wash project and this was no different as this time it’s an anthology project. But this film is far from your typical anthology formula as it possibly can. Every Friday night a young kid named Jamie never misses her favorite show where a beautiful woman (Ellie Church) and her dead husband rent a horror movie to watch. Just like any horror hosts they do their commentary on it and Jamie watches as we get monster grandmas and kids, a woman dreaming of killing her husband, and thieves who try to find cover in a haunted junkyard. Now I won’t give too much away other than that because I thought Mr. Wash and company did a wonderful job of putting together an anthology unlike most I have seen before. We all know Ms. Church is wonderful but the person that steals the film is Alainia Karner as Jamie as she was perfect casting for the anthology as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The Phantom (DVD) – The 1996 comic book adaption has the cool Billy Zane as The Phantom, a mystical comic book character that has been long forgotten but is a superhero that is passed down generation to generation to protect the jungle and people from injustice. The setting is 1939 and a criminal mastermind in Treat Williams is trying to gather the three skulls to rule the world and along the way we get the lovely Kristy Swanson for some eye candy. A fun adventure film in the spirit of ‘Indiana Jones’ that I would have loved to see a sequel or two with Billy Zane continuing the character. But instead this 3 ½ star superhero flick was never heard from again exception was that horrible TV mini-series that tried to update a cool character instead of building upon it.

 

Deadly Memories (DVD) – A 2002 Donald Farmer flick about a man losing his wife in a fiery car accident and his daughter falling into a coma because of three twenty-somethings running them off the road. Two years have passed and Art is trying to move on but cops have showed up asking questions again and Art believes he has seen the same young man that was driving that day in the bar. So when people begin to disappear of course the police suspect him because they know he has revenge on his mind. Always enjoy Donald Farmer flicks but this one runs a little longer than it should have but has William Smith, Robert Z’Dar, and Tina Krause for this indy feature I give 2 ½ stars too.

 

Journey to China: The Mystery of Iron Mask (On Demand) – It doesn’t matter what the movie is about listen to this cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, Charles Dance, and Rutger Hauer, I have your attention now correct. Anyway the film is now known as ‘Iron Mask’ but is all about dragons, wizards, and how Arnold allows prisoners fighting him for their freedom. The real plot of this fantasy film is there an imposter princess that has enslaved all her people and is looking for the mystical dragon seal. If found she would control the dragon that sleeps in the cave below them. This international film is full of adventure and effects but for me getting to see Arnold and Jackie fight each other on film was glorious and hilarious. The scene is a must watch for any action film enthusiast as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Vivarium (On Demand) – A boring ass flick about couples who are house hunting but are left by the realtor at a “forever home”. A term the realtor/alien/parasite or whatever takes quite seriously. Once the couple is there they cannot leave. No matter how much they drive, walk, burn down the house or dig there is no escape. They are fed, clothed, but eventually they are given a child to raise. It starts out innocently but quickly understands it isn’t a typical human child. Now this is where the film started bothering me because I was waiting for the payoff… Where the dude just fucking loses it and puts the axe into the skull of the kid or kills the wife. Or goes all ‘Deadly Friend and makes the kid’s head explode? Nope, he just digs and the wife just tries to understand this thing and why? Fuck that, I would of killed one or both because you know yinz are trapped and no way getting out. Sorry keep your artsy wannabe thrillers to yourselves as yinz should have hit the reset button on this project as I give it 0 stars.

 

7 Guardians of the Tomb (DVD) – Kelsey Grammer sends a dude into a known funnel spider cave to find the ultimate cure in order to save his company Biotech.  The sister goes looking for him with a search party full of Biotech researchers with only Kelsey knowing these spiders are more venomous than anything on Earth. And of course it is all about profit margin as the team must fend off these spiders but the big mutant spider that seems to communicate with the rest throughout these endless tunnels some ancient dude made. It’s not any worse than the crap on SyFy Channel the past few years so I give it 1 ½ stars for that.

 

Abby (VHS/YouTube) – William Marshall is Dr. Williams and he heads to Nigeria for research and exploring. Dr. Williams finds an artifact and unleashes a demon force from it that travels to the states and takes over his very religious daughter-in-law. He returns to the states to deal with the possession when his son cannot control Abby any longer. She rampages through their home, the church, and then to the bar so she can kick dudes in the nards as tries to bang them! A fun 70s film from the guy that gave us ‘Day of the Animals’ and ‘Grizzly’ as I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

 

Gross Movie Reviews #433

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

 

Black Water (DVD) – We have a killer action flick on a super-secret sub starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and Patrick Kilpatrick. JCVD is Wheeler who gets caught up in a double cross over a thumb-drive that has secrets that can be sold worldwide. Patrick Kilpatrick is the man who has brought him in and transporting him on a C.I.A. black ops sub that doesn’t exist. Wheeler’s neighboring cellmate just happens to be a German named Marco played by Dolph who cannot be killed because he knows too much and may be to high profile? When things get double-crossed again and no one to trust as people are being killed on the sub Wheeler turns to Marco for help. The movie plays out like “Under Siege” on a sub which isn’t a bad thing. The film is a lot of fun especially because of the Marco character but just feel more could have been done with this action flick. It’s good but not great and potential to be great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Moon (VHS) – An Australian slasher film from 1990 about an all-girls Catholic high school and its students being stalked and killed by an unknown killer. When a girl and her boyfriend disappear no one blinks an eye except for her best friend who feels something could be going on? But honestly she isn’t too worried as she goes to a dance and meets a dreamy dude who snuck into their dance. Soon more girls disappear and the police begin snooping around a creepy Science teacher who he and his wife have a secret? This flick is your scraping the barrel kind of slasher film that doesn’t have much substance. Remember its 1990 so I am sure this was made on mostly on the cheap. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Raiders of Atlantis (DVD) – Hey remember that “Cannibal Holocaust” Deodato dude? Well he made a bunch of other movies for those who may not know. And this gem is a wonderful must-see mess! Released in 1983 under the title “Atlantis Interceptors” in some countries takes “The Road Warrior” rip-off to a whole other off the wall level. Off the coast of Florida some scientists have found an artifact at the bottom of the ocean that proves the existence of Atlantis. They are going to try and move a sunken Russian sub to investigate more. When moved, the sea floor opens, a tidal wave destroys the scientific ocean platform, and a biker gang led by ‘fish bowl man’ begins murdering people on the mainland. The “Atlantis Interceptors” are back to take the mainland from these dumb humans! Never mind asking why they have customized motorcycles with swords on them and cars with guns on them? Just except this mess of a plot hole and thank me later for enjoying a great post-apocalyptic movie about two dudes trying to save the world by flying into Atlantis and fucking shit up! I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD) – So twenty some years later they decided to make a sequel with Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is a F.B.I. agent who goes undercover to question six year olds about a flash drive their old teacher may have hidden? The drive has all the identities of everyone in witness protection. Of course hijinks ensue but not nearly as funny as the original from 1990 starring Arnold. But it had Dolph so I know I am in it for at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Welcome to Willits (DVD) – This odd horror flick was a very nice little surprise from 2016. A girl (Anastasia Baranova from “Z Nation”) home from college in her little Northern California town has an uncle and aunt that have a huge weed crop they protect. Her uncle believes aliens are trying to steal his crop and do weird shit to him. This all started when he substituted something in his batch of meth not too long ago and his visions of aliens and a Dolph Lundgren cop show ‘Fists of Justice’ continue to get worse. What doesn’t help is some campers are staying nearby and stumble upon the crop and war is declared as the uncle believes he is killing aliens. This flick is a funny and unexpected gore fest! To give an extra twist is Rory Culkin who shows up as the weird hitchhiker picked up by the campers to give it that extra creep but fun horror factor. Movie fans this is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (DVD) – Since I have seen one and three it was only fair I eventually checked out the Uwe Boll sequel starring Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is Granger in present day. Granger gets pulled into a time warp which takes him to a distant time where he is called “The Chosen One”. He is deceived into thinking he must go up a mountain and kill the ‘Holy Mother’ who leads the ‘Dark Ones’. But he finds out the truth from the Holy Mother that he is placed into the future as an orphan to potentially return and save them all from the evil king who has deceived all who follow him. Granger’s future world depends on him stopping the king’s evil plan of a plague. Apparently they ran out of Jason Statham money and Uwe Boll had a leftover script from his “House of the Dead” projects and you have this… I give the fantasy flick 1 star.

 

4 Got 10 (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare are all wrapped up together in this tale of a man who forgets who he is and has a van full of drugs and money. As the man tries to remember what happened, a crooked cop kills the wrong partner and a DEA agent and a drug lord have questions. Your typical direct-to-HULU/NETFLIX jams for weirdoes like me who believe those three names are always gold for action flicks. Or at least worth one watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Children of the Corn: Runaway (DVD) – So John Gulager needed a paycheck so “hey we need someone to direct the ninth entry into this useless series only Tim Gross watches?” A woman named Ruth is trying to escape her past with a cult that killed all their parents over a decade ago. She left when pregnant so her son would have a chance in the normal world. Of course evil has followed her and wants her son. The film isn’t terrible but if you are having trouble sleeping this might help you as I give it 1 star.

 

Hellraiser: Judgment (DVD) – Of course this tenth entry sucked a huge double bag of dicks! Think remake of the fifth entry “Inferno”? If you remotely know what I am talking about please turn away and don’t watch because it will make you feel stupid and angry. For the love of DOUG BRADLEY, $350,000 budget! Thank you Dimension Films for releasing another hot pile donkey shit into the world and just insulting horror movie fans, Clive Barker, and humans in general. Worst movie of 2018! Wait question what is worse? Jeepers Creepers 3 or this entry into the so-called Hellraiser series? Hold on I think I need to go drown myself in the tub while I slit my wrists at the same time. Crap film gets crap move on folks.

Surviving Evil (DVD) – So Billy Zane plays an adventure dude who does a survival show for a cable channel. Zane and his crew head to a supposedly haunted island in the Philippines to shoot their latest episode of the TV show. One of the crew knows of the legends on the island but is choosing to ignore them as he has other motives of why he is there. This crew member knows of Japanese gold that is hidden on the island and is willing to risk his friends and his own life for the payoff. But the legend becomes real when shape-shifting tribe of demons show up and sniff out one of the crew is pregnant. Apparently pregnant women to these cool demons are Yuengling to me? The movie has some great build up, Billy Zane being Billy Zane, lots of gore, and really interesting demon things! This pleasant horror film feels like a really awesome SyFy Channel film that was too awesome to be on the “Sharknado” network. This film gets 3 really kick ass demon stars.

 

Kickboxer: Retaliation (DVD) – In case you haven’t had your fill of these movies JCVD’s character Durand is blinded by a fight promoter and must help Kurt Sloane train again. But this isn’t any ordinary fight as the fight promoter is Christopher Lambert and he is a ruthless rich bastard that wants Sloan to fight a chemically enhanced fighter. So Lambert kidnaps Sloan’s wife and gets Sloan arrested and thrown into a Bangkok prison. There Sloan trains with Mike Tyson and JCVD now that he has no choice to defend his title. If you are an action film fan this will be your bonerjam or your Viagra until they give us another Jason Statham action flick? Really enjoying JCVD doing another one of these as I give it 3 stars and yes Mike Tyson still looks scary even when he is acting.

 

Dune Warriors (DVD) – A post-apocalyptic B-movie mess from 1990, the Corman group producing, and stars David Carradine. A small village is being taken over by some warlords for their water. A woman in the village has had enough and goes out to hire five warriors to help defend the village. If you like watching dumb ass shit like me you’ll enjoy it. Let’s just say it isn’t “Deathsport” or “Battletruck”. I give it barely one Carradine as he was barely there for the paycheck.

 

Lunatics: A Love Story (DVD) – This oddity is truly a love story that stars Ted Raimi as Hank, who is a writer and has not left his apartment in six months. A huge part of it is he keeps having delusions of spiders and a doctor (Bruce Campbell) trying to cut him or give him a shot. His life changes when he believes he is calling a dating line and it happens to be a pay phone. The phone is picked up by Deborah Foreman’s character Nancy, who believes she is a jinx. She just got done getting thrown out of her hotel room, dumped by her boyfriend, and shot a gang member in the foot. On a whim Nancy accepts Hank’s invite to his apartment. Nancy tries to look past all the foil and Hank’s weirdness and they connect for their love of poetry. But Nancy believing she is a jinx runs away only to force Hank to overcome his fear of leaving the apartment to go get the girl. Josh Becker put together a hilarious tale with a great cast that I believe the studios were unsure of how to advertise. When someone brings up you should watch a love story with them go with this flick as I give it 3 ½ stars and you won’t be disappointed or bored.

 

Nightflyers (VHS) – I keep getting this confused with the Stephen Machet flick with killer bats. But this is the 1987 space flick starring Catherine Mary Stewart who is a part of a crew that gets on a ship that might be alive? They are off on a mission and become more curious as they never meet the captain and the Class 10 telepath on board keeps warning them bad shit is going to happen to them. The ship computer controls everything including her son Royd who must have seen “The Last Starfighter” and “Night of the Comet” and realizes how hot Ms. Stewart is and begins to converse with her. Some boring space shit happens, then the ship tries to kill them all, and we get a scene where the telepath gets his face cut in half by a laser “Intruder-style”. Outside of the really cool death by laser scene; the movie seems to suffer several things including many rewrites most likely. But hey it is being remade into a TV show so there is that as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Argoman: The Fantastic Superman (YouTube) – Oh the shit I couldn’t make up? Sir Reginald Hoover is Argoman. An Italian Batman clone who believes saving the world and keeping peace. But also he loses his powers for six hours if he bangs hot women of 1967. Argoman’s nemesis Jenabell is busy stealing a crown and forcing France to give her all their money. When that isn’t going on Sir Reginald is busy boning Jenabell and will capture her when the time is right. The rest of the movie is Argoman escaping custody and just seeing what else he can do for fun with his amazing powers. The movie doesn’t a whole lick of sense but I was entertained and laughed several times and for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

See yinz at GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details!