Gross Movie Reviews #581

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The Veil (DVD) – Didn’t hear much about this Jessica Alba and Thomas Jane flick which I believe is under the Blumhouse Pictures umbrella? Usually that is never good when it comes to some of these bigger budgeted horror flicks as this one involves a lone survivor of a suicide cult heads back to where it happened 25 years later with a film crew doing a documentary on it. Kind of boring and pretty much looked like a lot of the exorcism films that were flooding the genre at the time as I give it 1 star.

Dead Tone (DVD) – A 2007 horror film that was a part of the quick and forgettable “Flavor Flav’s Nite Tales” series… but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. The story begins with a bunch of kids at a sleepover while the adults are partying decide to have fun by ‘crank calling people’. This is what was thought to be a fun event leads to a mysterious individual showing up to the home and rampaging through almost everyone with an ax! About a decade or so later the movie leads to a couple of college students heading to an “end of the semester” party and that means party games. The crank call game is called “75”, you got to keep whoever on the other line for 75 seconds and make them believe whatever you say is truly going on. Once again the murderer is back slaughtering college students to add to the body count while an old grizzled detective played by Rutger Hauer who was in on the original murders believes the cold case needs fresh eyes and answers as he investigates. Not original but a little spin on an old idea with a big body count and having Rutger Hauer makes this a pleasant surprise when looking for some horror titles you may not know about as I give the film 3 stars.

I Was A Teenage Zombie (DVD) – A low budget film that many don’t remember from 1987 aka “Atomic Thrill” but will most likely enjoy it if they see it now as it embodied what a Troma film was at the time and for some odd reason it isn’t a Troma flick. School buddies wanting weed for their spring high school dance screw up and kill their new drug supplier. So to cover it up they throw him into the river that has had a recent toxic spill. Thinking everything is good the small time drug lord is now a zombie and coming for revenge against the high schoolers. When they fail to capture or kill the zombie they come up with a better idea after one of their best friends die… Throw him into the river so they can fight a zombie with a zombie. Hilarious from beginning to end and would not be surprised that one of the companies is working on a Blu-ray release as I give it 3 stars?   

Blood Rush: DNA (DVD) – An uneventful 1998 film I believe was possibly an Aussie flick that got released in Japan? The whole point of the film is two groups of people competing in a four day event called “Adrenaline Fest” but also heard it called “Survival Fest” about halfway through the film. Anyhow these two groups of folks race over rough mountainous jungle terrain only to come face to face with a Power Rangers extra. The colorful oversized Luchador begins to quickly dispatch the competitors in this lame creature flick that I give a ½ stars too.

Beyond the Rising Moon (DVD) – Another unknown sci-fi film from the early 90s that has been rereleased under the title “Outerworld”. It’s the future of course and a woman cyborg who just happened to be the perfect creation has decided on its own to stop being a corporate spy and keep the secret info about a wrecked alien ship on another planet that several corporations would love to lay claim too. She is a product of corporate warfare and her handler has pushed the button to make her head explode in three days. Now it’s a race between the handler and the cyborg and her new companion who is just trying to make a few bucks to transport through space to find this ship. Think of a much lower budgeted and even less interesting version of “Johnny Mnemonic” but may have been released before it??? Either way I can only give this film 1 star.

Boris Karloff: The Man behind the Monster (Shudder) – A very in-depth look into the Hollywood life of an iconic figure who I believe his presence only has grown since his death many years ago and that is Boris Karloff. It just doesn’t just cover the usual suspect in “Frankenstein” but goes through his life and his thoughts of his legacy and how he reinvented himself so late into his career because he was that talented. Since I first could say this man’s name I am still finding films with him in it and respect him more and more with each passing day. This is a must watch for any type of horror movie and monster film fan and believe me if you never had an appreciation for Karloff before you will now as I give this documentary 4 stars.

The Found Footage Phenomenon (Shudder) – I am not a huge found footage film fan but this film interest me as they track down a lot of people involved with found footage films and do some great in-depth interviews. The formula, who made them, why so many suck out loud, and breaking down the technology that may have helped one or two along? Again not a fan of found footage stuff but this is a real interesting film for any independent filmmaker that is about to try bringing their project to life… Good stuff here and enjoyed this more than I thought I would as I give it 3 ½ stars.

X (DVD) – One of the most talked about horror films of 2022 and me of course being late to the party because I am busy watching everything else that nobody else pays attention too. We get a great opening 90 seconds that lets the viewer they could be in for a treat? Set in the late 70s (believe the movie clapper said 1979) where a small film crew heads to an unknown old farmhouse where they are renting it for their porn shoot. The plan is to give tasteful porn for the upcoming home video market. Things seem to go great and until the old people renting the place are horny and distant relatives of Leatherface! There is a lot of buildup and a good bit of dialogue (including a great inner discussion of doing porn and how it was looked upon at that time) but stick with it as the film does payoff. Nothing that is going to blow your doors off but a fun little twist to a story that has been told many ways over the years as I give it 3 stars. Lesson: always beware of lonely old creepy people!

Suburban Sasquatch (Blu-ray) – A cult status kind of S.O.V. flick from 2004 that has a pissed off Bigfoot fucking people up in small-town (Woodstown), Pa. Plain and simple Sasquatch goes on a killing spree and a reporter trying to get the story decides he must help out a Native American warrior to bring down the mystical creature. It is the responsibility of some tribes to always keep Sasquatch in check over hundreds of years. This horrible movie is downright hilarious between dialogue, the acting, but what does it for me is the absolute bad CGI that will make you laugh for days. I understand why this film is gaining the cult status it has and this new Blu-ray has all the extras independent fans have wanted and will enjoy as I give this fun film 3 stars. The only thing I didn’t get was how in the hell this film go 100 minutes?

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Gross Movie Reviews #334

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Gross Movie Reviews #334

 

By Tim Gross

 CRXL_Zombie_Movie_Poster

Thr33 Days Dead (DVD/SyFy Channel) – This feature was a product of a SyFy Channel reality show called “Town of the Living Dead”. I believe it was 12 half hour episodes of a film crew struggling for the past six years to make a zombie movie in Jasper, Alabama on no budget. If they finish it they get their film to premiere on SyFy Channel? Well, of course they finished it, problem is unless you were retarded like me and checked for the 1 am time it was listed you were not going to see the finished product. Good, bad, ugly idea… I was just glad SyFy threw the film on TV. But from what I have read it didn’t get good enough ratings to warrant a Saturday night time slot which kinda sucked. Personally, I hope someone takes notice of the idea not the movie? Great idea, poor execution of a movie… But anyhow without ranting on about this idea the six years in the making zombie movie suffers like most independent movies that go on way too long from no budget. It doesn’t hurt to think big when zombies are attacking a small town but if you don’t have the resources to pull it off you get this finished project. Three guys trying to survive a zombie apocalypse with impossible odds. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Happy Horror

Happy Hour Holocaust (DVD) – A fun anthology film project directed and written by Jim Roberts and has help behind and in front of the camera from two other talented people in Tim Novotny and Jorge Delarosa. These three independent filmmakers finally have come together to start making projects and I FUCKING LOVE THE IDEA! These three guys have done impressive and different stuff the past couple years that have me absolutely salivating for what they do next…? But in the meantime we get this fun Indy project that taught me three things: 1) Crazy people should always get their meds, 2) don’t trust a cute girl that’s psycho, 3) and don’t trust an empty bar on Halloween night! Also there is way too much crotch mutilation in this flick so dudes prepare to cringe at least three times. Horror fans talk of Ty West, Eli Roth, etc., I say fuck that shit! These are the filmmakers to pay attention too: Jim Roberts, Tim Novotny, and Jorge Delarosa. Remember the names because they are the future of horror! I give the project 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The House That Dripped Blood (DVD) – A great and subtle flick about a house that has a past of people dying in it for various reasons. Not the best film starring these folks: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Ingrid Pitt, and that dude from Indiana Jones but a great excuse to watch a cool British horror film from the early 70s. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Abraxas: The Guardian of the Universe (VHS) – Well if Jesse “The Body” Ventura is the guardian of the universe in 1990 I rather he pass onto another planet and let us die out because the movie should be arrested for viewer’s abuse! Leave it to me to find a horrible movie even by my standards starring Jesse Ventura. Jesse is a “Finder”, a peace officer in intergalactic terms. Well his partner has just determine he wants more power to rule the universe so he goes to earth impregnate some blonde bimbo that just happens to be Jim Belushi’s second wife so he can come back and rip a code out of the child’s brain! Five years go by after the incident and Jesse’s partner busts out of intergalactic prison to go find his non-verbal alien kid. I have more fun dealing with “Crown Royal” hangovers than watch this flick again. I give it 0 stars and thanks to Jesse for ruining the thought of him being anytime of actor.

 

Lifeform (VHS) – The movie is also known as “Invader” on DVD. The film is a pleasant surprise if you are a sci-fi/horror nerd. The mid-90s flick is about the Viking II satellite comes back to earth mysteriously after 15 years ago it being sent to Mars. Scientists get ahold of it to study it before the military is about take it away  but find it may have a stowaway. Is the alien life form there to kill or communicate? One thing is for sure we are not alone in the universe in this flick that sports some cool creature effects as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Mardi Gras for the Devil (VHS) – The early 90s film is also known as “Night Trap” on a very crappy DVD. We got a long-haired bad ass demon serial killer in Michael Ironside who is slashing his way through New Orleans. A detective in Robert Davi is trying to find a way to stop the supernatural killer as long as his boss played by John Amos doesn’t stop him. Boobs, blood, and Michael Ironside being Michael Ironside make this a must see feature as I give it 3 stars.

Mr. Ice

Mr. Ice Cream Man (VHS) – Don’t get me wrong I love SOV independent flicks they can be so much fun. This isn’t one of those times as I try to stay awake through this boring story of a man who kills and stores his victims on his ice cream truck. Sounds familiar? Yeah, do yourself a favor and stick with the Clint Howard classic. I give this flick a ½ star.

 

Season of the Witch (VHS) – A very trippy early 70s film that just happens to be George Romero’s third film and was also released under the title “Hungry Wives”. The movie is a product of its times and doesn’t hold up well but is a great story of a woman named Joan that is tired of her normal routine life of being Jack’s wife, a housewife. So she turns to witchcraft! Interesting and weird and for that I give it 2 stars.

Mutant World (DVD/SyFy Channel) – A great concept film that should have been so much more but fizzled is about a meteor about to hit Pennsylvania and cause an apocalypse. Doomsday preppers in Colorado hide in their bunker for ten years only to come out to be greeted by mutants who want to eat them. The film spends more time on the Doomsday preppers arguing than fleshing out the story about humans finding a way to survive ten years after the catastrophe. I give it 2 stars.

 

Late Phases (DVD) – A blind Vietnam vet is being moved into a senior community by his son only on his first to have his neighbor attacked by a werewolf. He soon finds out there has been a lot of dogs missing and attacks once a month in the community chalked up to wildlife since the gated community was built near some dense woods. The blind vet decides he has a month to prepare and figure out who is the werewolf and kill it and the movie fleshes it out brilliantly. Great flick, Tom Noonan as a priest, and Robert Kurtzman as creature effects supervisor, count me in on this being one of the best horror flicks of 2014 as I give 4 stars.

Blood Lake

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (DVD) – A horror film that premiered on Animal Planet of all places has found its way onto DVD for all of us ‘killer animal film’ lovers. The film is the latest project from filmmaker James Cullen Bressack who seems to be one busy dude these days. An officer from the Fish and Wildlife just happens to be spending the summer at a small town in Michigan where there are lampreys invading the fishing areas and it needs to be resolved. Christopher Lloyd stars as the mayor of the small town and wants it done in one day but doesn’t understand the lampreys are a much bigger problem than he realizes as people are being attacked and eaten in the lake, their home, out on the road. The lampreys multiply quickly and try to eat the town whole. The film also stars Shannon Doherty (who pops up in the weirdest of movies these days), Zack Ward, and Fred Stoller. And let’s not forget the lampreys face death by weedwacker!  It’s a hilarious killer animal movie that kept my interest as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found on amazon.com.

 

Hazard Jack (DVD) – An Afghan war vet is having trouble adjusting to society so he decides to set up shop in an abandon hospital to torture and kill people in to get his frustration out. He gets pissed when some college kids decide they want to play paintball in his home and they bring a pregnant woman with them. Which of course means for the integrity of the plot he cannot kill her that would be just wrong? There is lots of blood, sex, and useless plot but this film is exception to the rule of it equaling a great horror flick as it insults horror fans more than entertaining them as I give it 1 star.

 

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Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.