Gross Movie Reviews #433

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

 

Black Water (DVD) – We have a killer action flick on a super-secret sub starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and Patrick Kilpatrick. JCVD is Wheeler who gets caught up in a double cross over a thumb-drive that has secrets that can be sold worldwide. Patrick Kilpatrick is the man who has brought him in and transporting him on a C.I.A. black ops sub that doesn’t exist. Wheeler’s neighboring cellmate just happens to be a German named Marco played by Dolph who cannot be killed because he knows too much and may be to high profile? When things get double-crossed again and no one to trust as people are being killed on the sub Wheeler turns to Marco for help. The movie plays out like “Under Siege” on a sub which isn’t a bad thing. The film is a lot of fun especially because of the Marco character but just feel more could have been done with this action flick. It’s good but not great and potential to be great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Moon (VHS) – An Australian slasher film from 1990 about an all-girls Catholic high school and its students being stalked and killed by an unknown killer. When a girl and her boyfriend disappear no one blinks an eye except for her best friend who feels something could be going on? But honestly she isn’t too worried as she goes to a dance and meets a dreamy dude who snuck into their dance. Soon more girls disappear and the police begin snooping around a creepy Science teacher who he and his wife have a secret? This flick is your scraping the barrel kind of slasher film that doesn’t have much substance. Remember its 1990 so I am sure this was made on mostly on the cheap. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Raiders of Atlantis (DVD) – Hey remember that “Cannibal Holocaust” Deodato dude? Well he made a bunch of other movies for those who may not know. And this gem is a wonderful must-see mess! Released in 1983 under the title “Atlantis Interceptors” in some countries takes “The Road Warrior” rip-off to a whole other off the wall level. Off the coast of Florida some scientists have found an artifact at the bottom of the ocean that proves the existence of Atlantis. They are going to try and move a sunken Russian sub to investigate more. When moved, the sea floor opens, a tidal wave destroys the scientific ocean platform, and a biker gang led by ‘fish bowl man’ begins murdering people on the mainland. The “Atlantis Interceptors” are back to take the mainland from these dumb humans! Never mind asking why they have customized motorcycles with swords on them and cars with guns on them? Just except this mess of a plot hole and thank me later for enjoying a great post-apocalyptic movie about two dudes trying to save the world by flying into Atlantis and fucking shit up! I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD) – So twenty some years later they decided to make a sequel with Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is a F.B.I. agent who goes undercover to question six year olds about a flash drive their old teacher may have hidden? The drive has all the identities of everyone in witness protection. Of course hijinks ensue but not nearly as funny as the original from 1990 starring Arnold. But it had Dolph so I know I am in it for at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Welcome to Willits (DVD) – This odd horror flick was a very nice little surprise from 2016. A girl (Anastasia Baranova from “Z Nation”) home from college in her little Northern California town has an uncle and aunt that have a huge weed crop they protect. Her uncle believes aliens are trying to steal his crop and do weird shit to him. This all started when he substituted something in his batch of meth not too long ago and his visions of aliens and a Dolph Lundgren cop show ‘Fists of Justice’ continue to get worse. What doesn’t help is some campers are staying nearby and stumble upon the crop and war is declared as the uncle believes he is killing aliens. This flick is a funny and unexpected gore fest! To give an extra twist is Rory Culkin who shows up as the weird hitchhiker picked up by the campers to give it that extra creep but fun horror factor. Movie fans this is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (DVD) – Since I have seen one and three it was only fair I eventually checked out the Uwe Boll sequel starring Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is Granger in present day. Granger gets pulled into a time warp which takes him to a distant time where he is called “The Chosen One”. He is deceived into thinking he must go up a mountain and kill the ‘Holy Mother’ who leads the ‘Dark Ones’. But he finds out the truth from the Holy Mother that he is placed into the future as an orphan to potentially return and save them all from the evil king who has deceived all who follow him. Granger’s future world depends on him stopping the king’s evil plan of a plague. Apparently they ran out of Jason Statham money and Uwe Boll had a leftover script from his “House of the Dead” projects and you have this… I give the fantasy flick 1 star.

 

4 Got 10 (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare are all wrapped up together in this tale of a man who forgets who he is and has a van full of drugs and money. As the man tries to remember what happened, a crooked cop kills the wrong partner and a DEA agent and a drug lord have questions. Your typical direct-to-HULU/NETFLIX jams for weirdoes like me who believe those three names are always gold for action flicks. Or at least worth one watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Children of the Corn: Runaway (DVD) – So John Gulager needed a paycheck so “hey we need someone to direct the ninth entry into this useless series only Tim Gross watches?” A woman named Ruth is trying to escape her past with a cult that killed all their parents over a decade ago. She left when pregnant so her son would have a chance in the normal world. Of course evil has followed her and wants her son. The film isn’t terrible but if you are having trouble sleeping this might help you as I give it 1 star.

 

Hellraiser: Judgment (DVD) – Of course this tenth entry sucked a huge double bag of dicks! Think remake of the fifth entry “Inferno”? If you remotely know what I am talking about please turn away and don’t watch because it will make you feel stupid and angry. For the love of DOUG BRADLEY, $350,000 budget! Thank you Dimension Films for releasing another hot pile donkey shit into the world and just insulting horror movie fans, Clive Barker, and humans in general. Worst movie of 2018! Wait question what is worse? Jeepers Creepers 3 or this entry into the so-called Hellraiser series? Hold on I think I need to go drown myself in the tub while I slit my wrists at the same time. Crap film gets crap move on folks.

Surviving Evil (DVD) – So Billy Zane plays an adventure dude who does a survival show for a cable channel. Zane and his crew head to a supposedly haunted island in the Philippines to shoot their latest episode of the TV show. One of the crew knows of the legends on the island but is choosing to ignore them as he has other motives of why he is there. This crew member knows of Japanese gold that is hidden on the island and is willing to risk his friends and his own life for the payoff. But the legend becomes real when shape-shifting tribe of demons show up and sniff out one of the crew is pregnant. Apparently pregnant women to these cool demons are Yuengling to me? The movie has some great build up, Billy Zane being Billy Zane, lots of gore, and really interesting demon things! This pleasant horror film feels like a really awesome SyFy Channel film that was too awesome to be on the “Sharknado” network. This film gets 3 really kick ass demon stars.

 

Kickboxer: Retaliation (DVD) – In case you haven’t had your fill of these movies JCVD’s character Durand is blinded by a fight promoter and must help Kurt Sloane train again. But this isn’t any ordinary fight as the fight promoter is Christopher Lambert and he is a ruthless rich bastard that wants Sloan to fight a chemically enhanced fighter. So Lambert kidnaps Sloan’s wife and gets Sloan arrested and thrown into a Bangkok prison. There Sloan trains with Mike Tyson and JCVD now that he has no choice to defend his title. If you are an action film fan this will be your bonerjam or your Viagra until they give us another Jason Statham action flick? Really enjoying JCVD doing another one of these as I give it 3 stars and yes Mike Tyson still looks scary even when he is acting.

 

Dune Warriors (DVD) – A post-apocalyptic B-movie mess from 1990, the Corman group producing, and stars David Carradine. A small village is being taken over by some warlords for their water. A woman in the village has had enough and goes out to hire five warriors to help defend the village. If you like watching dumb ass shit like me you’ll enjoy it. Let’s just say it isn’t “Deathsport” or “Battletruck”. I give it barely one Carradine as he was barely there for the paycheck.

 

Lunatics: A Love Story (DVD) – This oddity is truly a love story that stars Ted Raimi as Hank, who is a writer and has not left his apartment in six months. A huge part of it is he keeps having delusions of spiders and a doctor (Bruce Campbell) trying to cut him or give him a shot. His life changes when he believes he is calling a dating line and it happens to be a pay phone. The phone is picked up by Deborah Foreman’s character Nancy, who believes she is a jinx. She just got done getting thrown out of her hotel room, dumped by her boyfriend, and shot a gang member in the foot. On a whim Nancy accepts Hank’s invite to his apartment. Nancy tries to look past all the foil and Hank’s weirdness and they connect for their love of poetry. But Nancy believing she is a jinx runs away only to force Hank to overcome his fear of leaving the apartment to go get the girl. Josh Becker put together a hilarious tale with a great cast that I believe the studios were unsure of how to advertise. When someone brings up you should watch a love story with them go with this flick as I give it 3 ½ stars and you won’t be disappointed or bored.

 

Nightflyers (VHS) – I keep getting this confused with the Stephen Machet flick with killer bats. But this is the 1987 space flick starring Catherine Mary Stewart who is a part of a crew that gets on a ship that might be alive? They are off on a mission and become more curious as they never meet the captain and the Class 10 telepath on board keeps warning them bad shit is going to happen to them. The ship computer controls everything including her son Royd who must have seen “The Last Starfighter” and “Night of the Comet” and realizes how hot Ms. Stewart is and begins to converse with her. Some boring space shit happens, then the ship tries to kill them all, and we get a scene where the telepath gets his face cut in half by a laser “Intruder-style”. Outside of the really cool death by laser scene; the movie seems to suffer several things including many rewrites most likely. But hey it is being remade into a TV show so there is that as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Argoman: The Fantastic Superman (YouTube) – Oh the shit I couldn’t make up? Sir Reginald Hoover is Argoman. An Italian Batman clone who believes saving the world and keeping peace. But also he loses his powers for six hours if he bangs hot women of 1967. Argoman’s nemesis Jenabell is busy stealing a crown and forcing France to give her all their money. When that isn’t going on Sir Reginald is busy boning Jenabell and will capture her when the time is right. The rest of the movie is Argoman escaping custody and just seeing what else he can do for fun with his amazing powers. The movie doesn’t a whole lick of sense but I was entertained and laughed several times and for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

See yinz at GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

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Gross Movie Reviews #400

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Gross Movie Reviews #400

 

Zombie Croc (DVD) – There has been a disturbance in the small southern town of Raven’s Neck. The deputy Rivera is sent to investigate and all can be found is bloody human remains everywhere. Believed it was an animal attack the sheriff is not all too concerned with Popa Chicken and his hatred for the town’s mayor. Popa Chicken disgusted with the eviction notices so he and his friends can be moved out for big business Popa brings forth a giant croc. While the croc causes havoc in the woods the town’s only hope is the deputy and a guy called “Crocodile Jack”! As usual filmmaker Robert Elkins brings forth a bit of exploitation feel with lots of blood and guts on no budget. I easily could see this film on SyFy Channel or a Chiller Channel during the summer months. My only major complaint would be the running time but was warned by Mr. Elkins ahead of time as I give the monster croc film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. More about the filmmaker and his films can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

Zombie Isle (DVD) – Once again Independent filmmaker Robert Elkins keeps the motto: No budget, no problem, as some students and their professor visit an inhabited island for research. The island doesn’t even show up on most local maps. But the students and the pervy professor are in for a surprise when they show up and attacked by flesh-eaters (shades of Fulci perhaps). But the other thing waiting there is an old abandoned army station that the professor knew about and its rumors of a scientist living there? Greeted by scary German scientist guy they become witnesses to a project almost perfected since World War II. Apparently Scary German Guy is working on a formula to perfect soldiers or zombies for war! Think of ‘Outpost’ meets ‘Re-animator’ with a sprinkle of Fulci on no budget as usual as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details go check Robert at: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

 

Arachnicide (DVD) – My hunger for mutant spider movies never ends as I find this oddity low budget flick about the government looking into big time drug dealer project. The project is a secret experiment on genetically-enhanced coco plants that will become full grown within hours to speed up the drug process. A small military tactical team is put together to invade a compound in Albania to destroy the heart of this experiment. Problem is the bad guys are smarter and have no plants there but genetically-enhanced spiders waiting to attack. A ‘Food of the Gods’ thing going here people as I give this oddity 1 ½ stars.

 

Anna (YouTube) – A short film that tackles two subjects in a very unique way. A young woman thought death would solve everything? But being undead and eating yourself sick doesn’t solve anything either… Pretty intelligent stuff from Forte Films Entertainment that is worth your time checking into and following them as I give it the short film 4 out of 4 stars. Find them at: www.fortefilmsentertainment.com and www.facebook.com/ForteFilmsEntertainment .

 

Easter Sunday (DVD) – Douglas Fisher is the serial killer known as “The Bunny Masked Killer” who went on a murderous rampage over 20 years ago on Easter. The police gunned him down but little they know Fisher’s offspring has survived and carries the secret of knowing who his father is. Now present day, the son Ryan Fischer and friends decide to have a drunken campfire and play with the spirit board. Ryan not believing in such a thing screams for his father to be brought back from the dead and contact them. The spirit board of course works and the spirit of Douglas Fisher now possesses Ryan and go dig up the old killer bunny mask. Now Ryan continues his father’s murderous rampage on Easter. I believe it’s a great concept for a slasher film that stars Robert Z’Dar and Ari Lehman. Plus the film has a great death scene by boiling water and has an awesome killer mask to market. But for me the film eventually falls a part in the second half with the film thinking it’s funny and no interesting characters outside of the bunny killer and Ari Lehman as the postman. I am not saying stay away from this holiday flick but I prefer ‘Easter Casket’ from Dustin Mills. You can purchase “Easter Sunday” at www.alternativecinema.com as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Sharkenstein (DVD) – In 1942 Germany, Hitler’s men raid a laboratory to steal Frankenstein’s brain and heart from a scientist for their own evil Nazi experiments. It is said that the heart and brain of the monster cannot be destroyed? Who said this is unknown? But fast forward to present time where vacationers have been disappearing at “Katzman Cove”.  A vacationing family has boat troubles and stumble upon a guy and his horrible German accent that has created ‘Sharkenstein’. A killer shark with the brain and heart of Frankenstein that is an unstoppable force! This horror mash-up is everything and more you expect from Polonia Brothers Entertainment. The only thing missing is Jon McBride randomly showing up as I give this hilarious mash-up 2 stars.

 

Yoga Hosers (DVD) – This latest Kevin Smith film stars Smith’s and Johnny Depp’s kids as “The Colleens” who are clerks at a convenience store in Winnipeg, Canada. The job is tough enough to work on a Friday night but when you are high school sophomores denied a chance to a senior party, it sucks. After learning about Canadian Nazis and fighting with their Phys. Ed. Teacher about real yoga in school they must go to the store. Once there they are greeted by little mini-Hitler sausage people known as the Bratzis. If things could not get worse the senior boy Hunter they adore invites himself and his bro to party at the store to sacrifice the girls to Satan because it is so metal! The boys are killed by the Bratzis and the girls are thrown in jail until they are broken out by Mr. Guy Lapointe to find the secret passage of the Bratzis to fight the evil. This “check your brain at the door” flick is absolutely hilarious and if by some chance you do not like it I say “sorry aboot that”. I give Smith’s latest 3 ½ stars.

 

Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

 

Breeders (DVD) – I believe this hilarious flick where every woman must be naked is from the same guy that gave us ‘Mutant Hunt’, Tim Kincaid. A slimy ass alien roams the streets of Manhattan looking virgin women to rape! If that isn’t enough they eventually become possessed to travel to the alien’s nest under the city. Where of course the women once there are naked and rub each other down with white goo. I swear to you this 1986 film isn’t porn? But wouldn’t have been surprised it wasn’t marketed that way in certain countries. But hopefully a detective and a very concerned doctor can stop the madness or just watch the ridiculousness of it? I give it 2 stars.

 

Kickboxer: Vengeance (DVD) – Haven’t had enough of the first five films? How about a reboot where Jean-Claude Van Damme trains Kurt Sloan to fight Tong Po aka Dave Batista after Tong killed his brother in a special underground tournament. Kurt wants revenge and of course only JCVD and some random hot ass police woman can help you in Thailand. If a fan of the series you know what you are getting yourself into as I give it 2 stars.

 

Mad Foxes (DVD) – So you are looking for lost exploitation flicks? Look no further than this Corman-inspired rampage film where for 75 minutes is a back and forth fight between Kyle Martin and a Nazi motorcycle gang for no really good reason. The film’s highlights many naked women that Kyle has sex with, lots of hairy dongs, bootleg Chuck Norris dojo and friends, Nazi gang shootings, death by gardening shears, multiple penis hackenings, exploding toilet death, a gimp, and a song by Krokus! There is no real point to the film except for having the most over the top rampage thrown in your face! I give it 3 stars, now start looking for this gem.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #382

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Gross Movie Reviews #382

 

Howling II: My Sister is a Werewolf (DVD) – The sequel to the original and highly successful ‘The Howling’ takes a complete left turn introducing a whole other idea of werewolves among us instead of just owning a small community in the mountains. The sequel goes for the jugular with it’s over the top chaos of introducing Sybil Danning as a head werewolf fulfilling a prophecy and Christopher Lee as a man of the occult. The film picks up from the end of the first film in the sense of Dee Wallace’s brother wants answers but also just wants to bury her and be done with it. But after Lee’s occult character shows him a video tape of her changing into a werewolf and going to her grave to silver in her heart he believes. They travel to Transylvania to fight the werewolves on their turf and we get fun 80s music, punks, werewolf orgies, Christopher Lee being Christopher Lee, werewolf vision, hilarious and fun B-movie stuff. The sequel does have its fans but also there is a few horror fans believe this sequel destroyed what could have been a very good series of movies. Right or wrong this film was fun when I was a teenager but doesn’t hold up as well as maybe part five or six in the series? I give this flick 2 ½ stars.

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Howling V: The Rebirth (DVD) – This sequel is easily one of my favorite ‘Howling’ films. Being released direct-to-video in 1989 where horror sequels were still being churned out almost daily trying to cash-in. The ‘Howling’ series is a werewolf series that clearly suffers from lack of direction like the ‘Hellraiser’ series later on after it. I believe this film was actually some random werewolf film that got the title change when someone figured that the series could use a change as the three sequels before it sent horror fans screaming far away from the series. But anyway the film is a classic “Who dun it?” or this case “Who is the werewolf?” The film begins in 1849 Budapest, where a group of people are in a bloody heap around a dinner table inside a huge castle. Before you ask, no it wasn’t Charles Band’s castle… But anyway people have been slayed in the name of god to stop the werewolf curse. Problem a baby survives! Present time, 1989, a group of people have been invited to an opening of the castle that hasn’t been open since the slaughter of 1849. With little information given the group speculates on why or how they got the invite and what is the story behind the castle and its history. A snowstorm moves in and one by one the invitees disappear being killed by a werewolf. The film could have used a little more gore but I totally believe it still holds up many years later as one of the best sequels of the series. Everybody forgets there is seven films in the series plus a forgettable “Twilightish” reboot. So if you are looking for a good werewolf film no one talks about this would be a good place to start my friends as I give the film 3 ½ stars.

howling 6

Howling VI: Freaks (DVD) – Two years after ‘The Rebirth’ we got another direct-to-video sequel in the series that seem to have less of a budget but another intriguing storyline. This one involves a Freak show run by Harker (Bruce Payne) who he and companions roll through the small dying town Canton Bluff. Meanwhile a British drifter named Ian rolls through town looking for work but is secretive about why he is really there. Harker finds out about Ian’s secret (a werewolf) and uses a spell to make him transform when he wants aka for the show. Harker captures Ian in attempt to use him but turns the town against him after Ian escapes but little the town knows is that Harker is a vampire. Again another fun entry into the series that doesn’t get talked about much but also like ‘Puppet Master’ or ‘Hellraiser’ doesn’t connect it to other sequels in the series. I give the werewolf sequel 3 stars.

 

I Love Lucy (YouTube) – A normal looking short film idea about a girl named Lucy who is going to the Valentine’s dance with her perfect boyfriend Rex. Lucy’s girlfriends seem to be pressuring her into thinking its “time” and she will enjoy “it” but Lucy hesitates. Lucy even feels pressure from the school principal. But once home and Lucy and her boyfriend are alone in her bedroom that is when the short film gets truly weird and bizarre and I enjoyed it! The short film is from Zach Lorkiewicz and I always love seeing truly cool stuff like this from unknown filmmakers. Want more info or see a trailer check out: www.facebook.com/counttheclock and www.counttheclock.com as I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Return to Salem’s Lot (DVD) – A sequel to Stephen King’s TV movie from the late 70s truly came out of left field in the late 80s but was a staple of late night cable television. Michael Moriarity stars as Joe who is in the Amazon taking video of a tribe that has never been seen before. The tribe is chased off by the locals only to tell Joe he needs to get back to the states for his son. His ex-wife cannot control him any longer so Joe decides it’s time for him and his kid to head to Maine where his aunt left him some property. Maybe there they can get closer and know each other again. But as they enter the town of ‘Salem’s Lot’ they know it’s not your normal town as not many people around during the day. They shortly learn the town is full of vampires and the judge wants Joe to write the town’s bible/history to share with the world in maybe a hundred years or so. Especially since the vamps came over on the Mayflower! Once Joe understands this is wrong and the judge is trying to take his boy and teams up with an old dude who knows the judge from years ago. They go house to house burning down ‘Salem’s Lot’ so they can escape. The effects are a little cheesy, it has nothing to do with the original, but it has Michael Moriarity and makes a great double bill with ‘Sundown’. I’m always in when it comes to these oddball 80s sequels as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Divine Enforcer (VHS/DVD-R) – Oh yeah mother fuckers a cast of Jan-Michael Vincent, Eric Estrada, Jim Brown, Robert Z’Dar, Judy Landers, and Scott Shaw (Rollerblade Warriors: Taken by Force fame) show up in this 1992 direct-to-video B-flick about a priest taking the law into his own hands. Father Daniels shows up at his new parish that happens to be in a rough neighborhood. But he can only take so many horrible confessions from horrible individuals. Father Daniels takes down the local mob, strip clubs, but the one he is having trouble with is the serial killer “Vampire of Los Angeles”. With the help from a woman who has ‘the gift of sight’ Father Daniels eventually tracks down this murderous evil. Also pay attention to the last scene of the film, hilarious crap folks as I give this B-movie gift 2 ½ stars.

 

The Killer Elite (DVD) – Not knowing the Statham and DeNiro film was a remake of this 1975 flick it made me want to track down a copy and check it out. The film stars James Cann and Robert Duvall as two agents from a secret part of the government who do things the military or the regular government cannot. Well Duvall’s character wants more money and decides to shoot Cann in the arm and knee to retire him. A year or so later after rehab, Cann has a new life but is approached by his old boss about a job that could help him get revenge. Good flick but for me not as much fun as the remake which surprised me a little as I give this 70s action flick 2 stars.

 

Hard Target (DVD) – A John Woo film produced by Sam Raimi that stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo, Yancy Butler, and Wilford Brimley… Brilliant! Set in New Orleans where Lance Henriksen plays a bad villain who sets up human hunts for rich people. When Butler’s character comes along looking for her homeless father she screws up the perfect hunt and its all-out war on Jean-Claude’s character ‘Chance’. A great 90s action flick worth revisiting just for JCVD’s glorious mullet! I give the film 3 stars for the mere reason they figured out how to push in two bad ass dudes (Henriksen and Vosloo) into one action flick.

 

Cell (Theater) – The film based on a more recent Stephen King story that involves cell phones. After the book was released in the early 2000s there was a frenzy of companies trying to buy the rights for the film adaption. After a lot of scuttlebutt of Eli Roth being attached in the early stages of the film the project went quiet for a few years. Then John Cusack got a hold of the project and the ball was rolling again and finally made. Cusack is Clay, a man who gets off a plane and wants to see his son and celebrate with his great news. But his cell phone battery dies. He tries to call on a pay phone but notices people begin going nuts killing each other, eating each other, smashing their heads off of pillars; planes crashing… you get the picture. End of the world kinda stuff folks! Clay and Samuel Jackson’s character meet up on a subway car and leave to go to Clay’s apartment to decide on what they should do next? Clay wants to get back to his son up north believing he is still alive and as long as they don’t listen to their phones signal they won’t turn into mindless zombies of sorts. The film is shorter than I thought it would be but still interesting like the book. My only issue with the film is the ending as in the book it just kinda ends where the film tries to give a twist that doesn’t make much sense. But like most of Stephen King’s works he has trouble ending stuff as many horror fans would agree. Is this the perfect version of the film I wanted for the book, “No”. But I still really enjoyed this horror flick for the mere fact the signal isn’t really explained and this easily can happen these days. I give the film 3 stars and sit back and let all the other film geeks argue over the movie as like most horror films I enjoyed it for what it is.

 

Monster from the Surf (DVD) – A groovy mid-60s film where some beach bums grooving to some surf music, surfing, and partying get attacked by a sea creature. The main suspect just happens to be a crippled dude named Mark that lives down the beach since the cops don’t believe in a sea creature? A film that should be only watched at the old school drive-ins. But well worth checking out when revisiting the old 50s and 60s creature/monster flicks as I give it 2 stars.

 

She (DVD) – Some years after a nuclear war a goddess rules over women and her name is ‘She’. ‘She’ is played by the cool actress Sandhal Bergman who comes in contact with two men who are in search for the one’s sister who was captured by a tribe called ‘The Norks’. ‘She’ allows the men to stay alive helps them search for Tom’s sister but along the way must fight mutants, vampires, a warlock, and eventually ‘The Norks’. ‘The Norks’ look like extras from the film ‘The Warriors’ but great villains for this fantasy/apocalyptic film. What’s weird about the film was it was finished in 1982 but not released in the U.S. until late 1985. It got a release in several countries during that three year period with the U.S. being last. I give this weird fantasy film 2 stars.

 

I Survived a Zombie Holocaust (DVD) – Another fun oddity from New Zealand where a zombie outbreak happens during filming of a low budget zombie film ‘Tonight They Come’. But it all centers on Wes. It is Wes’s first day on the job as he just graduated film school and has big expectations. Wes quickly learns there are a lot of bitter people behind the scenes of making this flick but Wes also soon learns there is such thing as real zombies. Soon the real zombies begin to feast on cast and crew and all Wes can do is try to survive the onslaught of horror as long as the crew doesn’t kill him first? My favorite scene has to be the special effects guy shoots himself in the face when he jumps out to fight the zombies head on. This is after he begins shooting real people and not the zombies. Horror films from New Zealand never get old as I give this treat 3 stars.

 

The Darkness (On Demand) – Kevin Bacon and his family go on a camping trip to the Grand Canyon only for their autistic son to find an ancient place in the mountains by accident. He picks up these ancient stones and takes them home. These ancient stones when removed from their resting place can open a doorway to something called, ‘The Darkness’. They are demons that live in the shadows and can drive people mad until they die or just steal their souls. Either way you are screwed if you have opened up the doorway. The autistic kid uses the stones every day and talks to his new friend Jenny. Soon his room is fire, a snake attacks grandma, a dog attacks his sister, mom starts drinking again, some weird hokey shit is going down people. In the end I see the film as Poltergeist-lite with an autistic child. Good cast, the film doesn’t insult you like some paranormal films, it will find its audience as I give it 2 ½ stars.

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Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #365

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Gross Movie Reviews #365

 

By Tim Gross

 

The Salvation (DVD) – A story based on what Danish soldiers did after the war. They came to America during the 1860s looking for opportunity. And the dude that played Hannibal Lecter in the “Hannibal” TV series has made enough money to bring his wife and son to America. While traveling back to the farm two outlaws throw Hannibal off the stagecoach, kill his son, and rape and kill his wife. After killing these two outlaws, the brother and his gang want revenge but that just makes Hannibal go all Josey Wales on their asses! I give the western 2 ½ stars.

 

Diamond Dogs (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren stars as a failed security expert in Mongolia who street fights for cash but is hired to track down an important artifact. Dolph beats the shit out of a bunch of people and eventually gives the artifact to the monks. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Enemies Closer (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme dresses up as a Canadian Mountie to try and get information from the US border patrol on the coast of Maine about a plane that went down and possibly has his drugs. They don’t cooperate and he kicks their collective ass. Now knowing the location he needs a tracker and the only one is a ranger former military dude who may have PTSD and wants left alone. Add Orlando Jones and Tom Everett Scott as the ranger/hero fighting JCVD and you have an unrealistic movie with a great wasted performance by JCVD as the villain! I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Summer of Blood (DVD) – A comedian comes up with a movie idea where he plays a lazy annoying guy named Erik. Erik believes he is the best at his job and girlfriend thinks he is the best until she leaves him and he loses his job. If that wasn’t enough he is attacked by a vampire and the vamp feels bad about Erik and makes him a vamp also. And the rest of the movie is about how better Erik is in bed with the ladies. The movie was unfunny and just down right lame as I give it 0 stars.

 

A Christmas Horror Story (DVD) – A small town named Bailey Downs goes to total shit every year on Christmas according to the police chief and this year is no different. William Shatner plays a DJ who kinda works as in-between for the intertwining stories about Krampus and his evil ways. It is an anthology without being anthology is the best way to put it as there is five different storylines all going at once. We got suspicious murders at St. Joseph’s School, kids investigating, elves become zombify and attack Santa Claus, Krampus coming to collect on horrible human beings, great bloody fun this holiday is! I give it 3 stars and Shatner rules in this flick.

 

Holiday of the Dead (DVD) – An independent film from Final Warning Films takes a cue from the film “Nightmare at Noon” and has a so-called big medical asshat from Hinz-Howard pharmaceutical company giving out free flu shots. Of course this military experiment is on a small US town that no one will know or care about. But small town sheriff Tiffany Shepis tries to stop the flesh-eaters as most of the town got the flu shot. Now the only hope is some college kids camping and AWOL military personnel trying to stop it from happening again. If you are a fan of “Nightmare at Noon” made on a smaller scale you will enjoy this flick as it has some great gore effects and Tiffany Shepis actually has a script to work with. The film had some audio issues early on but seem to be corrected shortly after as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Note; there is a couple zombies that are killed simply by breaking their necks so is it truly a zombie movie?

Destroy

Destroy Cleveland (DVD) – A documentary dedicated to bringing you the viewer behind-the-scenes look of the punk/hardcore music scene of Cleveland between the years of 1986-into late 2000s. Director Matt Greenfield and producer Jorge Delarosa do an amazing job of tracking many popular bands of the time to explain how different the scene was than most cities. And where the anger came from to make the hardcore music scene possible? These guys did a great job of bringing this documentary to life and that is coming from a dude that lived in Pittsburgh and I had heard of a few of these bands. Great stuff for the music documentary lover. Keep up the good work guys as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. For more info on this cool project go check out www.slowmutants.com and www.rustbelthammer.com .

 

Tales of Halloween (On Demand) – A great collection of short films that are of course are Halloween themed and have not only all-star directors but all-star casts. This film will soon be a staple for Halloween movie lovers every October as there wasn’t one bad story like most anthologies. Great effects, great monsters, fun stories, everything a horror movie fan looks for in a great Halloween flick. I definitely see horror fans doing a double bill movie night with this flick and “Trick r Treat”. I give it 4 stars.

 

Alien Beasts (DVD) – The no budget film from Carl J. Sukenick is also known as “Mutant Massacre”, neither title I never heard of. But anyway this man made a shot on video film about mutants and terrorists fighting on earth… I think. Carl narrates most the film so you know what’s going on or maybe not know what is going on. I tried rewatching this mess and still don’t know what was going on but it is such a crazy mess it is worth watching at least once just to know something like this exists! If that isn’t enough for you there is a sequel “Mutant Massacre 2” made available for the first time with more Claymation and scenes in weird colors but the same movie pretty much. Don’t ask just roll on over to www.massacrevideo.com and have Louis explain it to you as I believe the mess gave a migraine for a full day after witnessing it? It was so weird, so out there, a rating cannot be given as this movie needs to be witnessed not just watched…

 

Monster Dog (DVD) – I finally sat down and watched this Alice Cooper horror flick all the way through and totally understand now why Alice Cooper hates this project. Not because it only became available on DVD recently but after filming this Spanish/Italian/whatever other country production the movie company dubbed all of Mr. Cooper’s dialogue. Let’s not dwell on the fact the film couldn’t make its mind up on whether it was a killer dog flick or werewolf flick… But just try to enjoy this Alice Cooper horror film even though the two songs he has for the film are not his best by any means either. Disappointing flick but glad I watched it as I will most likely never revisit this 1 star horror film.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.