Gross Movie Reviews #450

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Gross Movie Reviews #450

 

Mr. Cleaver (DVD) – A throwback S.O.V. flick where some punks break into an empty warehouse to party their brains. Things are going great: people are trippy, bumping uglies, and just being drunk until a bad dude with a giant meat cleaver shows up to ruin the party. Crystal, Lump, and friends get real scared when they find Mr. Cleaver’s personal pile of body parts. The punks fight back but run into trouble when they find out the evil dude cannot be killed because the warehouse is his own personal hell for eternity. Some blood, some nostalgia as these flicks will always hit the soft spot in my heart as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details or to purchase the film, go check out www.togethermagicfilmgroup.com .

 

Ghost Stories (DVD) – A British film that could be considered anthology but really doesn’t feel like it. But that can be up for a debate between you and your friends after watching it. Professor Goodman is a man that makes a living at trying to debunk the supernatural or just trying to prove psychics are just good cheats. Professor Goodman is contacted by an old man. This old man isn’t just any person but someone when Goodman was young he caught on T.V. debunking the supernatural. Goodman goes to the man’s trailer because this was his idol; here is his chance to talk to him. But the old man had his reasons for calling Goodman to him. The old man hands off three cases that the old man claims were real. They couldn’t be explained logically and wants Goodman to either prove him wrong or to tell him that the supernatural does exist? But pay close attention folks because every scene has a point and the payoff is how the film ends. I give the fun film full of hauntings 3 stars.

 

Strike Commando (VHS) – Found another classic from Vincent Dawn aka Bruno Mattei where this 1987 film stars Reb Brown as Sgt. Michael Ransom as this is Mr. Dawn’s version of “Rambo II” if it was made in the Philippines. The film has a few titles but another popular used title was “Cobra Force”. Yes there is a sequel but no Reb Brown. Anyway Ransom is double crossed when he is in North Vietnam trying to help out a group of people out of the war zone. But when the Russians show up things get serious like some awesome slow motion fire-bombing of Sgt. Ransom. Now with Ransom captured behind enemy lines and no one to save him the Russians try to turn him against his own. Ransom won’t have any of it, escapes, kills most of everyone, the guy that double crossed him went to Manila. So we get this added on scene with Ransom and bootleg Col. Troutman in Manila and a large machine gun! 2 ½ stars people for this awesome badness!

 

For the Love of Spock (DVD) – A wonderful documentary about Leonard Nimoy by his son Adam who documents the impact the famous “Star Trek” character had on pop culture and people over the years. Leonard was a struggling actor in Hollywood who like most worked odd jobs and almost quit completely until he landed the role of Spock. At first wasn’t totally known where this character would go or do in the series but Leonard found his calling and loved every second of it. His image was everywhere and still till this day is reference on a regular on TV shows. The person and the character were someone that was loved and appreciated by almost all. His son even documents the hard times as a kid growing up with your dad being Spock. Great stuff as I give it 4 stars.

 

Power of Grayskull: The Definitive History of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (DVD) – This might be a very nerdy documentary but I lived it. This documentary covers everything He-man related. It all starts with how they basically produced the He-man toy line out of thin air after losing out on the “Star Wars” toys. No real back story they came up with a good guy and a bad guy and went from there. With no TV show or movie these action figures sold like crazy to the point Mattel couldn’t keep up with demand and were making up characters as they went. At the height of its popularity it was 95% of the toy business in some form. The cartoon that was soon developed was also in such high demand they came up with “She-ra” which proved to be just as popular. He-man was the thing from 1982-1987 and believe me I lived it as I remember trying to write letters to Mattel to try and get free action figures. Once the Dolph Lundgren film was released that seem to sign the end for the toy line. There were a couple restarts over the years but no luck until recently with nerds taking over the Earth He-man has found new life. If you are about the same age as me you will remember He-man mania as the film documents everything… I give it 4 stars.

City Limits (DVD) – Okay folks, this lesser known post-apocalyptic film is so in my wheelhouse! This 1984 film stars John Stockwell, Rae Dawn Chong, James Earl Jones, Robbie Benson, Kim Cattrell, and Don Opper (he wrote the script) among some other names. This movie literally looks like they made this film with leftover movies on a shoestring budget and it worked. In 1984, a plague has hit killing almost all adults and leaving kids to fend for themselves. 15 years has past and now the kids or survivors of this plague run the cities with no power. John Stockwell as Lee heads to the city for adventure to look for a group of survivors known as the “Clippers”. Clippers are a motorcycle gang that has split the dark city with the “DA’s”. The gangs have made peace for years now so they would stop killing each other and just try to survive. But a corporation has moved in and is trying to force the gangs to be a part of the system of rebuilding. If they do not cooperate with the Sunya Corp. they will be killed. With Lee finding these new friends he wants to help them fight for the city and keep it from the adults trying to move in. This movie is absolutely cheesy wonderfulness! I give this mid-80s gem 4 stars all the way!

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details and upcoming guests.

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

 

Black Water (DVD) – We have a killer action flick on a super-secret sub starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and Patrick Kilpatrick. JCVD is Wheeler who gets caught up in a double cross over a thumb-drive that has secrets that can be sold worldwide. Patrick Kilpatrick is the man who has brought him in and transporting him on a C.I.A. black ops sub that doesn’t exist. Wheeler’s neighboring cellmate just happens to be a German named Marco played by Dolph who cannot be killed because he knows too much and may be to high profile? When things get double-crossed again and no one to trust as people are being killed on the sub Wheeler turns to Marco for help. The movie plays out like “Under Siege” on a sub which isn’t a bad thing. The film is a lot of fun especially because of the Marco character but just feel more could have been done with this action flick. It’s good but not great and potential to be great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Moon (VHS) – An Australian slasher film from 1990 about an all-girls Catholic high school and its students being stalked and killed by an unknown killer. When a girl and her boyfriend disappear no one blinks an eye except for her best friend who feels something could be going on? But honestly she isn’t too worried as she goes to a dance and meets a dreamy dude who snuck into their dance. Soon more girls disappear and the police begin snooping around a creepy Science teacher who he and his wife have a secret? This flick is your scraping the barrel kind of slasher film that doesn’t have much substance. Remember its 1990 so I am sure this was made on mostly on the cheap. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Raiders of Atlantis (DVD) – Hey remember that “Cannibal Holocaust” Deodato dude? Well he made a bunch of other movies for those who may not know. And this gem is a wonderful must-see mess! Released in 1983 under the title “Atlantis Interceptors” in some countries takes “The Road Warrior” rip-off to a whole other off the wall level. Off the coast of Florida some scientists have found an artifact at the bottom of the ocean that proves the existence of Atlantis. They are going to try and move a sunken Russian sub to investigate more. When moved, the sea floor opens, a tidal wave destroys the scientific ocean platform, and a biker gang led by ‘fish bowl man’ begins murdering people on the mainland. The “Atlantis Interceptors” are back to take the mainland from these dumb humans! Never mind asking why they have customized motorcycles with swords on them and cars with guns on them? Just except this mess of a plot hole and thank me later for enjoying a great post-apocalyptic movie about two dudes trying to save the world by flying into Atlantis and fucking shit up! I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD) – So twenty some years later they decided to make a sequel with Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is a F.B.I. agent who goes undercover to question six year olds about a flash drive their old teacher may have hidden? The drive has all the identities of everyone in witness protection. Of course hijinks ensue but not nearly as funny as the original from 1990 starring Arnold. But it had Dolph so I know I am in it for at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Welcome to Willits (DVD) – This odd horror flick was a very nice little surprise from 2016. A girl (Anastasia Baranova from “Z Nation”) home from college in her little Northern California town has an uncle and aunt that have a huge weed crop they protect. Her uncle believes aliens are trying to steal his crop and do weird shit to him. This all started when he substituted something in his batch of meth not too long ago and his visions of aliens and a Dolph Lundgren cop show ‘Fists of Justice’ continue to get worse. What doesn’t help is some campers are staying nearby and stumble upon the crop and war is declared as the uncle believes he is killing aliens. This flick is a funny and unexpected gore fest! To give an extra twist is Rory Culkin who shows up as the weird hitchhiker picked up by the campers to give it that extra creep but fun horror factor. Movie fans this is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (DVD) – Since I have seen one and three it was only fair I eventually checked out the Uwe Boll sequel starring Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is Granger in present day. Granger gets pulled into a time warp which takes him to a distant time where he is called “The Chosen One”. He is deceived into thinking he must go up a mountain and kill the ‘Holy Mother’ who leads the ‘Dark Ones’. But he finds out the truth from the Holy Mother that he is placed into the future as an orphan to potentially return and save them all from the evil king who has deceived all who follow him. Granger’s future world depends on him stopping the king’s evil plan of a plague. Apparently they ran out of Jason Statham money and Uwe Boll had a leftover script from his “House of the Dead” projects and you have this… I give the fantasy flick 1 star.

 

4 Got 10 (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare are all wrapped up together in this tale of a man who forgets who he is and has a van full of drugs and money. As the man tries to remember what happened, a crooked cop kills the wrong partner and a DEA agent and a drug lord have questions. Your typical direct-to-HULU/NETFLIX jams for weirdoes like me who believe those three names are always gold for action flicks. Or at least worth one watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Children of the Corn: Runaway (DVD) – So John Gulager needed a paycheck so “hey we need someone to direct the ninth entry into this useless series only Tim Gross watches?” A woman named Ruth is trying to escape her past with a cult that killed all their parents over a decade ago. She left when pregnant so her son would have a chance in the normal world. Of course evil has followed her and wants her son. The film isn’t terrible but if you are having trouble sleeping this might help you as I give it 1 star.

 

Hellraiser: Judgment (DVD) – Of course this tenth entry sucked a huge double bag of dicks! Think remake of the fifth entry “Inferno”? If you remotely know what I am talking about please turn away and don’t watch because it will make you feel stupid and angry. For the love of DOUG BRADLEY, $350,000 budget! Thank you Dimension Films for releasing another hot pile donkey shit into the world and just insulting horror movie fans, Clive Barker, and humans in general. Worst movie of 2018! Wait question what is worse? Jeepers Creepers 3 or this entry into the so-called Hellraiser series? Hold on I think I need to go drown myself in the tub while I slit my wrists at the same time. Crap film gets crap move on folks.

Surviving Evil (DVD) – So Billy Zane plays an adventure dude who does a survival show for a cable channel. Zane and his crew head to a supposedly haunted island in the Philippines to shoot their latest episode of the TV show. One of the crew knows of the legends on the island but is choosing to ignore them as he has other motives of why he is there. This crew member knows of Japanese gold that is hidden on the island and is willing to risk his friends and his own life for the payoff. But the legend becomes real when shape-shifting tribe of demons show up and sniff out one of the crew is pregnant. Apparently pregnant women to these cool demons are Yuengling to me? The movie has some great build up, Billy Zane being Billy Zane, lots of gore, and really interesting demon things! This pleasant horror film feels like a really awesome SyFy Channel film that was too awesome to be on the “Sharknado” network. This film gets 3 really kick ass demon stars.

 

Kickboxer: Retaliation (DVD) – In case you haven’t had your fill of these movies JCVD’s character Durand is blinded by a fight promoter and must help Kurt Sloane train again. But this isn’t any ordinary fight as the fight promoter is Christopher Lambert and he is a ruthless rich bastard that wants Sloan to fight a chemically enhanced fighter. So Lambert kidnaps Sloan’s wife and gets Sloan arrested and thrown into a Bangkok prison. There Sloan trains with Mike Tyson and JCVD now that he has no choice to defend his title. If you are an action film fan this will be your bonerjam or your Viagra until they give us another Jason Statham action flick? Really enjoying JCVD doing another one of these as I give it 3 stars and yes Mike Tyson still looks scary even when he is acting.

 

Dune Warriors (DVD) – A post-apocalyptic B-movie mess from 1990, the Corman group producing, and stars David Carradine. A small village is being taken over by some warlords for their water. A woman in the village has had enough and goes out to hire five warriors to help defend the village. If you like watching dumb ass shit like me you’ll enjoy it. Let’s just say it isn’t “Deathsport” or “Battletruck”. I give it barely one Carradine as he was barely there for the paycheck.

 

Lunatics: A Love Story (DVD) – This oddity is truly a love story that stars Ted Raimi as Hank, who is a writer and has not left his apartment in six months. A huge part of it is he keeps having delusions of spiders and a doctor (Bruce Campbell) trying to cut him or give him a shot. His life changes when he believes he is calling a dating line and it happens to be a pay phone. The phone is picked up by Deborah Foreman’s character Nancy, who believes she is a jinx. She just got done getting thrown out of her hotel room, dumped by her boyfriend, and shot a gang member in the foot. On a whim Nancy accepts Hank’s invite to his apartment. Nancy tries to look past all the foil and Hank’s weirdness and they connect for their love of poetry. But Nancy believing she is a jinx runs away only to force Hank to overcome his fear of leaving the apartment to go get the girl. Josh Becker put together a hilarious tale with a great cast that I believe the studios were unsure of how to advertise. When someone brings up you should watch a love story with them go with this flick as I give it 3 ½ stars and you won’t be disappointed or bored.

 

Nightflyers (VHS) – I keep getting this confused with the Stephen Machet flick with killer bats. But this is the 1987 space flick starring Catherine Mary Stewart who is a part of a crew that gets on a ship that might be alive? They are off on a mission and become more curious as they never meet the captain and the Class 10 telepath on board keeps warning them bad shit is going to happen to them. The ship computer controls everything including her son Royd who must have seen “The Last Starfighter” and “Night of the Comet” and realizes how hot Ms. Stewart is and begins to converse with her. Some boring space shit happens, then the ship tries to kill them all, and we get a scene where the telepath gets his face cut in half by a laser “Intruder-style”. Outside of the really cool death by laser scene; the movie seems to suffer several things including many rewrites most likely. But hey it is being remade into a TV show so there is that as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Argoman: The Fantastic Superman (YouTube) – Oh the shit I couldn’t make up? Sir Reginald Hoover is Argoman. An Italian Batman clone who believes saving the world and keeping peace. But also he loses his powers for six hours if he bangs hot women of 1967. Argoman’s nemesis Jenabell is busy stealing a crown and forcing France to give her all their money. When that isn’t going on Sir Reginald is busy boning Jenabell and will capture her when the time is right. The rest of the movie is Argoman escaping custody and just seeing what else he can do for fun with his amazing powers. The movie doesn’t a whole lick of sense but I was entertained and laughed several times and for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

See yinz at GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

Welcome to Gross Movie Reviews’ Best of 2017 list!

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As usual a few people will be pissed, a few will be excited, and quite a bunch of yinz will be baffled still to this day what the hell I watch…

 

Gross Movie Reviews Top Ten Movie list of 2017


1) Don’t Kill It (On Demand) – Mike Mendez and Dolph Lundgren together for a supernatural horror film equals horror GOLD! Dolph Lundgren aka Mr. Woodley the Demon Hunter rolls into a small Mississippi town looking for a demon that have cause a triple homicide three times in one week. We learn the demon cannot be killed as if you kill the person it possesses you become possessed. So this mucks things up as Mr. Woodley must be able to capture the demon by committing suicide. Mr. Woodley comes from a family of demon hunters who have done this for years and he has been trying to figure out what he can do with this demon so no one can let it loose again. Woodley has trouble trying to explain to the small town folk that you just can’t going blasting it away which leads into an awesome bloodbath at “Town Hall” that will make horror fans drool! Congrats Mr. Mendez and Dolph your film will most likely make my best of 2017 movie list as I give this bad ass horror film 4 stars! It is like someone gave the TV show ‘Supernatural’ Grade A steroids and Dolph Lundgren.

2) Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

3a) Garden Party Massacre (DVD/Vimeo) – Filmmaker Gregory Blair gives us a film about a couple (Caleb and Addison) who are having a small gathering that the theme is ‘no cell phones’. The party is all about people interacting with each other. The socially awkward party begins when all the characters show up and begin eating until a psycho with a pick axe shows up and kills the annoying girl. Now Caleb and Addison and fellow guests must figure out how to escape the house and make a run for it as the psycho killer has them trapped. The killer wants blood, the guests are in a state of panic, and Mr. Blair throws a curve ball when the party guests learn it’s a prank gone wrong and much more happens. I would to say more but then I would just be giving away the movie. Blair and company make great use of the house and backyard but the story set up and the actors playing the characters are the gems of this movie. The actors should be proud of what they done because they were simply entertaining and made this typical horror movie into so much more! I was just happy to see a movie with a title like this made but for the horror flick to be this much fun was just icing or blood on top of the red velvet cake (watch the movie you’ll understand). Plain and simple the movie was fucking brilliant and may show up on my “Best of 2017 list” as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. Go to http://www.gardenpartymassacrefilm.com for more details.

3b) Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at http://www.poolpartymassacre.com .

4) Fist of Jesus (You Tube) – A Spanish short film about Jesus trying to help resurrect a woman’s son, only for him to become a zombie. Next thing you know we have Roman zombies, Cowboy zombies, all kinds of zombies. And Jesus must kick zombie ass and save his friend Judas. The film was influenced by Peter Jackson and a well worth of wasting 15 minutes of your time on You Tube. But while watching notice the production, the effects, all impressive in my opinion! Check out http://www.fistofjesus.com as I give it 4 out of 4 gory stars.

5)The Creep Behind the Camera (Blu-ray) – An amazing reenactment documentary about filmmaker Vic Savage aka A.J. Nelson aka Arthur White aka most likely had a few other names. Otherwise a film that documents the insanity behind the making of a bad movie of 1964’s “The Creeping Terror” before stuff like “Troll 2” and “Cursed” were even thought of. Vic gets the filmmaking bug and moves himself and his first wife out to Hollywood during the 50s to make “the biggest monster movie anyone has seen!” Never mind the bad movie as much as Vic Savage was a complete psycho, womanizer, drug addict, drunk, con man! True stories told by living cast members, his first wife, producer, etc. Vic Savage was such a complete maniac that his monster maker stole his own creation during filming because he wasn’t paid, change actresses, sets, hung out with Charles Manson (before we all knew who he was), god complex, threesomes, Vic was completely insane. So insane he disappears into the night leaving what was considered the finished product/film in the garage with no sound, slate, etc. This is stuff that could not be made up about a film that is one of the first two movies I can legitimately remember watching. This film started it all for me and to watch this and learn of this insanity just made me absolutely love this documentary! It is beautiful insanity that needs to be watch and rewatched to be believed! There is lots of cool extras on the Blu-ray: The Creeping Terror movie of course but my favorite extra “How to Build a Carpet Monster”. Once again, Synapse Films does not disappoint as I give this wonderful package 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

6) The Guardians (DVD) – A Russian version of ‘The Avengers’ that features a man that turns into a bear, has a machine gun and a woman on his back killing evil persons while running through Moscow! Yep, I am sold and do not need to say anymore but I will. After the Russians entered the war in 1940 scientists were doing secret genetic research. After several failed experiments over the years a scientist goes rogue and starts to use people to further his experiments. When the military tries to intervene the scientist gets caught in a chemical explosion and becomes a part of his own experiment only to disappear until now. During a high tech military exercise this monster reappears and takes control of all machines killing all involved and disappears. So the Russian military forms a team of superheroes Nick Fury style: Ler – a man who can move rocks and things and uses them as weapons or a suit. Khan – a guy who has swords and can move like the wind. Kseniya – who is able to regulate her body temperature? And my favorite because he looks like a character from the Sega game “Altered Beast” Arsus (I believe that is how it’s spelled) – is a man who turns into a thing with a bear head and when he is really pissed off turns into a giant grizzly bear! They must take down the former scientist Kuratov now evil monster mastermind who also made them into what they are. Kuratov wants to take over Moscow then the world and make more troops like him. His goal in accomplishing this is using an old Reagan satellite in space left over from the “Star Wars program”. First time around The Guardians is defeated quickly but they reset things and prepare differently to become a team and defeat this evil Kuratov before it’s too late. The movie is a brilliant comic book-style popcorn flick that fits right in with the Marvel and DC universes! I absolutely loved this exciting flick as I give it 4 stars. Come one for the love of Rutger Hauer you have a bear with a machine gun you know this is gonna make my “Best movies of 2017 list”.

7) Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

8) Trespassers (DVD) – This fantastic short film is from Zane Hershberger (for the love of Rutger Hauer you know I am fucking that name up) and is a segment of a horror anthology called “10/31”. A couple is out at the local movie theater trying to enjoy a good scary movie but have picked a dud. So still looking for something to put a little fear in their lives on the best night of the year, Halloween they go for a drive out to a farm. This farm isn’t any farm it has a horrible history of a scarecrow popping mysteriously on the land and eventually Old Man Martin murdered his family and committed suicide. But what is about this creepy scarecrow that makes the local story so interesting this couple wants to know? Pretty creepy and well thought out Halloween short film reminds me of a cool little known horror flick from the late-80s called “Scarecrows” and for that I give 4 out of 4 stars.

9) The Void (DVD) – An extremely vague but interesting horror film that has some of the best movie creatures since ‘The Thing’? A man is picked up along a dark road and brought into a closing hospital by a small town police officer. Things only get stranger when the man does not wanna quit babbling and the police officer is attacked by a person in a white sheet outside. Once the doctor and nurses stop the bleeding on the officer more of these people in white sheets show up. Meanwhile another nurse goes nuts, rips her face off and stabs a patient in his eye killing him and that’s when it gets even weirder??? Two guys show up bitching about a massacre, a huge disgusting creature steals the state trooper and begins feeding on him, and apparently the good doctor of the hospital is the next Pinhead!? Fun and gruesomely entertaining film! My only drawback with the film is you must pay attention to pick up on some of the happenings because I would have liked a little more explanation. But this film is easily the new horror generation’s ‘Hellraiser’? I give this amazing creature filled film 3 ½ stars and most likely be somewhere on my “Best of 2017 movie list”.

10a) Bonehill Road (Vimeo) – Todd Mother F’N Sheets reaches into the depths of his mind and pulls out this latest project of an old school werewolf film. The film centers on a mother and daughter who are escaping an abusive relationship. On the road to grandpa’s house they meet a creepy dude at a rest stop (which I believe happens to all of us at least once) and believe they just narrowly missed hitting a bear? Shortly after the narrow miss a tire blows out and they hit a tree. The women take a few to get their senses and try to figure out what they should do but that so-called bear comes back to haunt them or I should say werewolf. On the run the ladies find a house but their luck is worse than they think when creepy dude from rest stop is the owner and has his own serial killer thing going on. These women have already been battle tested and know what is outside is worse than inside. Once the madman is dispatched in a rather gruesome manner its back to figuring out how to fight off these werewolves who are trying to break their way into the home. I absolutely enjoyed this werewolf flick. I would compare to Todd’s film to another werewolf flick “Wolfen” or “Bad Moon”. Mr. Sheets went for a more story driven werewolf flick and when it pays off it more than pays off with a scene in the kitchen. While a woman recently bitten transforms another not one but two werewolves shot in 100% light wander into the kitchen and it is a beautiful thing. Most independent werewolf films have to hide their monster. Hell most mainstream flicks do the same but Todd Sheets made sure you got the money shot and more with this scene. Todd absolutely delivered on a giving horror fans an entertaining treat of a werewolf film. And yes horror fans the film is a little slow but again the film is more story driven than gore driven but you will get your blood, guts, and cannibalism! A couple other cool tidbits to the film are the end credits scene with fake Gene Simmons again and they have a “stunt werewolf” thanks to Mr. Steele. Todd Mother F’N Sheets did again and I think fans will be pleased with his old school werewolf flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

10b) Knock Knock (On Demand) – No folks this isn’t that terrible Keanu Reeves movie we all lured into watching last year. This film is something much better! 2012 “Dorm of the Dead’s” Toby Canto makes his return back to the independent horror genre with this great gem. A story of misfits living in an apartment complex. An old boxer named “Stonefist” Sam is turning 60 today. Not the most pleasant person returns home to his weirdo neighbor Oliva hanging out in his apartment complaining about a vampire living across the hall. She can’t make her mind up if its Dracula or just a hot vampire living next door as she has been watching him worried he will kill her. As Sam tries to calm her down another weirdo neighbor Dragon busts in with his bag of goodies to kill the vampire and blurts out this great quote “Fucking Draculas Bro”! He also has stories of Dracula living next door including ripping his “Missing in Action” poster off of his front door. Once Gretchen stops by the scene is set as Oliva stole a package that was left for the vampire. As the four argue the vamp knocks on Sam’s door to nicely get the package but that goes horribly wrong when he was already invited to an apartment complex party. Sam doesn’t believe the neighbor is a vamp until the vamp tries to bring hell down on the four and Sam shows why he was nicknamed “Stonefist”. After they beaten the vamp down and tie him up they warn him to just be a good neighbor or leave? The credits role and we all find out the vamp has friends as a war takes place in the apartment. Smart production, hilarious script and characters, and the actors were down right fucking awesome and perfect for these parts! This flick had me laughing my balls off the whole time watching it. Toby I hope all of us horror fans get to see more projects from you as this is one of the best independent horror projects I have seen in 2017. I give this flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Check out Pop Art Pictures Facebook page for more details on the film.

 

The notable movies that still deserve a mention

 

Hectic Knife (DVD) – Let’s be honest folks most of us are Troma fans and we know Troma pretty much has become a distributor of independent films. Hey Troma has to survive just like any other small movie company. 99% of the time the newer Troma stuff that is released is to make them money and keep them afloat and really doesn’t have anything to do with the Troma legacy? Well folks, I am to say ‘Hectic Knife’ is a different but Troma-like film that has come out of nowhere. The film is about a new knife-swinging superhero named ‘Hectic Knife’. He kills rapists, gangsters, junkies, but like the rest of us normal people he has to pay bills, needs a roommate, struggles with all the killing, and no girlfriend. But when ‘Hectic Knife’ comes into contact with a professional baddie named ‘The Piggly Doctor’ he must risk his own life to defeat this new baddie. Hilarious over-the-top violence, bad jokes, bagels, a hippie, and the vibe the film gives off while watching it is like the stuff of second generation Troma films. Let me explain: first generation is “Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘em High”, second generation is “Tromeo and Juliet and Sgt. Kabukiman”. It fits in with the 90s Troma stuff which is a good thing. The movie just has that Troma vibe that makes you wonder if Lloyd may have been on set. Troma should be more than happy adding this feature to this their library it’s one of the few flicks that understand what Troma is all about and for that I am thankful! I give this fun flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars and definitely one of the better films of 2017! Go get it now folks http://www.troma.com as there isn’t enough good things I can say about this independent flick.

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

Kill Show (YouTube) – A short film that features a young woman’s struggle with her perverted mind frame of being a clown. The film takes you into her mental breakdown and she gets off on hearing about her random killing spree that can only end in one way. She wants to be known/remembered, not forgotten. Todd Braley and crew do a wonderful job of making this an interesting and creepy short film that makes you want to know more about this young woman’s story. What adds to the feel of the flick is the way the film was shot as it felt like the crew might have been trying to give the viewer a unique disturbing view into her madness. Wonderful stuff from Mr. Braley and hope there is a lot more coming for film fans. I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars and you can rent it at http://www.reelhouse.org/infinitymediaprods/kill-show .

 

The Foreigner (DVD) – Possibly one of the most underrated flicks of 2017 I did not see coming. Jackie Chan is driving his daughter to a shop to pick up her dress. He has a slight car accident out front when a bomb goes off inside the dress shop killing his daughter and several others. From here you are expecting Jackie Chan to go all Jackie Chan but he doesn’t. Jackie just wants answers! Meanwhile Pierce Bronson is Irish dude who is in with the British government mainly to try and keep the peace between the Irish extremists lets say and the Brits? For most of the movie you are not totally sure if Pierce’s asshole charcter is behind the bombing or just trying distance himself from it as he was one of these extremists 30 years ago. But Jackie wants answers and everyday sits in this lobby waiting. When he doesn’t get the answers he wants and no one has been found that did the bombings Jackie begins to stalk Pierce’s character. And again you are expecting the wild acting, stunts, and so on but his character being 60 years old gives up his restaurant and starts a one man crusade of just fucking people up! Think “Taken” but if possible done in a better way? It can be debated whether this is a better version of “Taken” just for the mere reason Jackie Chan goes away from what he is known for and becomes possibly a bigger bad ass than he ever was with this hardcore action/drama flick. Kudos to Jackie Chan because I did not see such a flick coming this late in his career as I give it 3 1/2 stars.

 

Worst movie of 2017: Jeepers Creepers 3

Gross Movie Reviews #422

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Gross Movie Reviews #422

 

The Mechanik (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren stars and directs in this action thriller about a retired Russian Special Forces dude whose family was killed by the mob. So he goes about killing all involved or so he thinks? Seven years later he is a normal car mechanic in L.A. where a rich Russian lady tracks him down and asks for Dolph to go save her kidnapped daughter. The same dude that killed Dolph’s family is the same dude that kidnapped the daughter and Dolph must go back to Russia. Once there he hooks up with Ben Cross and they gather a team to go take on the mob and recue the girl. Nothing better than Dolph being Russian again as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Dr. Leo (DVD) – A short film from Jim Stramel where a man is duct taped to a wheelchair and must try to release himself. Simple but great production that has a payoff that leaves you questioning what did happen? I was hoping for the screwdriver to fall into the dude’s skull while trying to escape. You have to watch to understand as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Dark Island (DVD) – A lower budgeted flick that the filmmakers watched too much of the “Lost” TV show where the story revolves around a research team that has contact with the outside world. Some people are paid to go in and find out what happened but once there they just find this oil substance everywhere and anyone that was alive is crazy. Of course some of the rescue group isn’t’ clued on what’s really going on until halfway through the flick when they find out it’s a bio-chemical experiment gone completely wrong. Mostly boring crap as I give it 1 star.

 

Cowboys vs. Vampires (DVD) – An old school cowboy show is bought out by a slimy asshole that has big plans for the ranch and its employees. When the show is going to reopen its going to be a haunted themed ranch according to the new guy called “Ghost town”. Problem is new guy knows about this underground cave that he is looking for something but instead it turns everyone into vampires and that is how we get the lame title for this boring lame movie that had potential? I give it 1 star.

 

Survivorz (DVD) – First off, you know your movie is important when the title has a “z” at the end. Second, the movie takes place in London where a group of young Americans hit a local restaurant in hopes of getting over their hangover. But solar debris or meteors hit the earth and cause the zombie apocalypse. Then the rest of the movie is about this group of individuals trying to get out of the city with the waitress and help her find her sister. The film is neither great or terrible but I would save this movie watch for when you don’t feel like watching the much more superior zombies films out there as I give this 2 stars.

 

Rings (DVD) – Apparently if the dude from “Full Metal Jacket” didn’t get rapey as a priest 30 years ago we don’t have this horrible horror movie series of a little girl on VHS who lives in a well that kills people after seven days. Or at least that is what I got out of it as I give it 1 ½ stars.

10/31 (Vimeo/DVD) – A pretty hot young evil lady has dug up some stories to tell for Halloween! The Old Hag – where an old lady is praying on the fears of a couple dudes trying to film a commercial in an old mansion. Trespassers – a film I have already reviewed but is about a young couple who drive to an old farm to do something different for Halloween and it has a scarecrow. Killing the Dance – A roller skating slaughter that is only missing a young Linda Blair. The Halloween Blizzard of ‘91’ – This story gets into a bloody debate of what is a better holiday Halloween or Christmas? And The Samhain Slasher – just old school satanic serial killer stuff we all can get into. All segments of the anthology are really beautiful and excellent horror entertainment. There is not a baddy in this bunch as it’s almost customary to have a poopy segment in your anthology whether it is a lower budgeted or high budgeted. This anthology will not disappoint horror fans! As this film raises the bar of how anthologies should be made and all involved should be proud of the collection of horror goodies and for that I thank yinz as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. I would put this in the class of “Trick r Treat” to help some recent horror fans to relate.

 

Joysticks (DVD) – A 1983 sex comedy that features Pac-Man but also Joe Don Baker trying to shut down a local arcade that is causing trouble. The arcade is a nuisance and of course we can’t have the young people causing a ruckus? Lots of boobs, hijinks, pranks, and an appearance of Jon Gries highlight this average sex comedy that was being mass produced during the early to mid-80s. I give this one 2 stars.

 

Bridge of Dragons (DVD) – Somewhere in post-war fantasyland Dolph Lundgren must go against what he believes in to help a princess. He helps her and the rebels that live outside of the kingdom to bring down an evil ruler who killed her father in order to eventually be king. Hilarious and weird action flick as they don’t spend a whole of time trying to convince you of this fantasyland exist but Dolph is in it so it gets 2 stars.

 

Bermuda Tentacles (DVD) – A boring ass version of “Deep Rising”, oh I mean giant sea worms that are attacking the U.S. Naval force who are trying to save the president. If that wasn’t enough they throw in John Savage as the president, Jamie Kennedy as the sea worm expert, and Linda Hamilton as the hard ass military officer to make it seem legit. I give it 1 star.

 

Private School (DVD) – This sex comedy first off has a combo of everyone that was ever in an early-80s sex comedy. This film is set up with the underlying subplot is Phoebe Cates and Matthew Modine’s characters trying to decide when is it the “right time”? While all their friends are busy bumping uglies, taking pictures, sneaking into the girls’ showers at the private all-girls school. Along with of course many girls just wanting to party and even their fathers too when they come for “Parents Day”. This film is more of the higher quality of sex comedies if you think about it as it might even be a sequel to “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? I give this 3 stars.

 

Hardbodies (DVD) – Good or bad this may be the most popular sex comedy title that everyone remembers. The main plot of the film is some old creepy dudes hire a good looking beach bum to show them how to be a hit with all the young women. The old dudes at first are there just for pleasure but eventually it gets ruined one of them bring business into it. The film has some memorable moments and possibly one of the best of the 80s films as Courtney Gains character has two scenes where he flips off someone in supposedly 40 different languages. Two other cool things to look for are Kathleen (Halloween 4 and Rollerblade Warriors) Kinmont as skater girl and Kane Hodder. Fast Times and Porky’s may have set the standard for the sex comedies of the 80s but Hardbodies may have made the most lasting impression on people as it found a whole new audience on USA’s “Up All Night”. I give this flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Kong: Skull Island (DVD) – So once again we get another version of Kong. For me I waited on this film for a while just because I wasn’t sure if I should care? But sat down and didn’t expect much and got a fascinating updated version of Kong that I think fits what most fans would want these days. The film is set in 1973 where the Vietnam War is coming to a close and John Goodman has images of an uncharted island where two warring fighter pilots crash landed in 1944 at the beginning of the film. He gets the go ahead for a dangerous expedition to the island before the Russians find out what they are doing. Once there they awaken a monster that has been left undisturbed for years. But Goodman’s character knows a lot more than he will tell everyone as he was expecting to find this fantastic beast. After the confrontation the group is scattered throughout the island and has three days to make it to the check point for the pick-up team. Kong isn’t the thing they must fear, it is everything else as the island is the missing link to a world long gone. I enjoyed the blend of interesting characters on the expedition, Kong’s appearance, and the mystique of Skull Island. But the more impressive thing is linking this to a possible feud with Godzilla and other monsters got the teenager juices flowing through me again. Problem is there is a really good chance this will get fucked up. Outside of that check your brain at the door and allow the kid inside you watch this film with glee as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out http://www.grossfest.com for all the details!

Gross Movie Reviews #421

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Gross Movie Reviews #421

 

Amityville: The Awakening (On Demand) – Jennifer Jason Leigh (Joan) has just moved her family to the legendary house that is famous for the murders that took place 40 years ago. Her kids do not know this at all but soon learn about it through school. Belle the oldest daughter begins to sense strange things in the home and begins to do more research. Joan on the other hand hopes that something happens so her comatose son comes back to life as this was her real reason for moving the family to this legendary house. Soon the twin brother has come back to the land of the living but lets his twin sister know that he is not alone and wants to die. This movie is not horrible and you get real weird vibe from watching it as it incorporates the real life murders and acknowledges that there have been movies made about the house. The original actually possesses Belle to start digging in the basement for “the red room”? The film is an interesting take for the series as there are numerous crappy sequels and a remake. Seriously this movie is worth taking a look at as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Thor: Ragnarok (Theater) – The third film in the Marvel series of the title character has him fighting for Asgard’s existence as his sister has come back home and father has died. In Odin’s death he has brought Loki and Thor closer together… maybe. But once the sister arrives and has disposed of the brothers she plans on conquering more realms. The planet Thor and Loki fall upon just happen to have The Hulk and a legendary warrior The Valkyrie. Once together they plan to go back to Asgard and save the people before they are destroyed. The film is of course a giant fun bag of popcorn and we all know it is a placeholder for the upcoming Avengers films. But what made the film good are two things: a) has this 80s retro feel and b) you don’t have to see the first two “Thor” films to know what exactly is going on. I give it 3 stars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death-Scort Service 2: The Naked Dead (DVD/Vimeo) – An escort named Michelle survived torture from a crazed killer a year ago and is trying to move on by being the best escort she can be. But the nightmare is not over as a new crazed killer kidnaps her and ends Michelle’s life with an electric saw to the vagina! Yes folks a saw to the babymaker, if you are going to watch a Sean Donohue flick you better come prepared especially in this film’s case… Independent sleaze, gore, and goo is Donohue’s calling card and there tons of it. A group of young escorts don’t care for the warnings or stories as they know if they don’t get naked they ain’t gonna make the money. But this new mysterious killer stays one step ahead of the new crop of working girls by killing them off in a more brutal way than the last. If you like your horror films sleazing, full of buck nakedness, and lots gooey gore this will be the feature for you gorehounds as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. If curious of where to find this fine flick go on over to: www.thesleazebox.com or www.gatorbladefilms.com .

 

The Babyface Killer (YouTube) – A story of a man’s anger taking over after his woman loses their child before birth. They have been trying and finally it happens but bad luck comes along. The man slowly lets his anger build and gets upset over the littlest things until one day he sees a lovely pregnant woman out by the road. Then that is when he crosses the line, loses his mind, and goes dark… Great stuff again from Forte Films as I give the short film 3 out of 4 stars and you can find out more at www.fortefilmsentertainment.com .

 

Rage and Honor II: Hostile Takeover (DVD) – The 1993 film brings action star and legend Cynthia Rothrock back together again with Richard Norton. This time out Cynthia’s character is undercover as a banker trying to stop a crooked banker but it becomes much more when he is linked to a drug lord. If you are a Rothrock fan this flick will disappoint as it seems like they just wanted the name and not the person as most of the action in the movie centers around Norton’s character. Pretty much got wait through the whole lame ass movie for Rothrock to fight someone as I give the boring movie 1 star.

 

Better Watch Out (On Demand) – Ashley is a young woman about to move away and is going to babysit Luke one more time before she goes. Luke is a much younger teenager who has googly eyes for the beautiful Ashley. When Luke goes to finally make his move on the babysitter somebody has other ideas? A brick gets thrown through the window, a person peeking through the window, someone trying to scare the two. But it just so happens to be Luke’s best friend trying to help the ultimate plan of Luke’s of getting the girl. Nope Ashley is pissed at both Luke and Garrett. Luke snaps and ties up Ashley and wants to play a game of “Truth or Dare” and the things get even further out of hand when the ex-boyfriend shows up. Luke has the mentality “if he cannot have Ashley, no one can” and has the plan in place to pull it off… maybe? A very different and entertaining holiday flick that isn’t so much horror as a thriller but well worth watching over a plate of Christmas cookies. And for that I give it 3 stars.

 

Arsenal (DVD) – An older brother always watched out for his little brother since they were young. Now it’s time for the little brother to take care of his older brother. As the older brother has been kidnapped by a low grade town mobster who had a plan to get money out of the younger brother. Nic Cage who plays the disgusting idoit with the plan wasn’t expecting the older down on his luck brother to say no. The younger brother has four days to come up with $350,000 and is getting help from an officer of the law played by John Cusack. When it comes down to it the film is an above average direct-to-video action flick as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV (DVD) – An animated feature that helps feature the famous game characters in a struggle for world peace and stop a lost princess from being killed before marriage. To be honest haven’t played any of the Final Fantasy games probably since they started on Nintendo?! But the concept and the films always fascinated me and never a bad idea to check this animated features out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Assassin’s Creed (DVD) – Another video game adaption to movies that does not live up to most fans’ expectations. There is a program for certain prison inmates who are sent to death. If their DNA is linked to some kind of ancestry of this clan of warriors this certain government project wants you to find this “egg”. This “egg” has a certain power if in the right hands that can rule the world. The inmate put to death but wakes up hours later in a secured facility where the public believes they are dead. Then some scientists mess with the brain trying to bring out the ancestor they are looking for? It’s weird but also too I was never a fan of the game so who knows as I give this time filler 1 ½ stars.

Killer Campout (DVD) – Its 1966 and this ugly dude is torturing a couple out in a remote area. After killing the man he gets all rapey with the woman and of course nine months later another ugly thing is born. The film moves along to 1989 where people have been disappearing out in the woods but could never be explained. Authorities are baffled but not concerned as much as some others are with the problem. So some horny ass lady thinks it would be cool to do group therapy out in the woods unknowingly ringing the dinner bell for the old ugly dude still stalking out in the woods! Has that “Madman, Don’t Go in the Woods, and The Forest” kind of feel to it. Lots of fun gruesome deaths and a small twist make this throwback slasher fantastically entertaining as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Mark of the Scorpion (DVD) – Andy J. Forrest is Bootleg Indiana Jones in 1936 treasure hunting. But Bootleg Indiana cannot even get started before he is thrown in jail because some reknob wants the known treasure hunter working for him out in the Sahara desert. The reknob French dude believes he needs Bootleg Indy for the possible Cleopatra crap he may have found? The film is no “Treasures of the Four Crowns” but the plot of Bootleg Indy spending most of the movie in prison is actually really fascinating. I give this foreign mid-80s flick 2 stars.

 

Missionary Man (DVD) – A bible carrying stranger rolls into town to mourn a friend who was murdered. Oh, it’s Dolph Lundgren and he wants justice and Tekla. A man named Reno runs the small Native American town and seems to be the root of the problem with the possible murder and controlling the local authorities. Dolph of course kicks ass in this updated “Pale Rider” action flick as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Peacekeeper (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren is Major Cross and now has become the keeper of the nuclear codes. After a terrorist attack on Cross, stealing the briefcase, and Cross presumed dead, the terrorists run to a missile solo that is being shut down. Wait a minute, Cross doesn’t die that easy as he will drive a car across building roofs and become one of the terrorists in order to get the codes back. A wonderfully entertaining mid-90s action film worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Cost of the Living (YouTube) – William Long has made a no budget flick about an apocalyptic love story. A man and a woman head off into the woods after the “Sickness” was destroying humanity. As long as they have each other the couple is happy and live forever. But with no budget movies sometimes editing is your best friend. If the movie is maybe made into short film format around 12 or 15 minutes it most likely works better. The 53 minute running time with not a whole lot happening gives it that dull feeling that makes you want to check out from watching the film. Mr. Long remember sir editing the film down is your what’s best as I give it 1 out of 4 stars.

 

Trespassers (DVD) – This fantastic short film is from Zane Hershberger (for the love of Rutger Hauer you know I am fucking that name up) and is a segment of a horror anthology called “10/31”. A couple is out at the local movie theater trying to enjoy a good scary movie but have picked a dud. So still looking for something to put a little fear in their lives on the best night of the year, Halloween they go for a drive out to a farm. This farm isn’t any farm it has a horrible history of a scarecrow popping mysteriously on the land and eventually Old Man Martin murdered his family and committed suicide. But what is about this creepy scarecrow that makes the local story so interesting this couple wants to know? Pretty creepy and well thought out Halloween short film reminds me of a cool little known horror flick from the late-80s called “Scarecrows” and for that I give 4 out of 4 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

      

Gross Movie Reviews #413

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Gross Movie Reviews #413

 

House of Wax (DVD) – This 1953 film is not only a Vincent Price staple among Price fans but was one of the first 3-D films released to the theaters. Remember the world was changing at the time and theaters were looking for gimmicks to amaze audiences and keep them buying tickets. Vincent Price is an artist in the film who runs a wax museum where he does historical people and the creations are absolutely loved. Price’s business partner tries to explain they can make money from the insurance if the place is accidentally destroyed? Price the artist refuses as he talks to his creations as they are real people. Business partner burns the place down and believes he has killed Price’s character. But several months later a new wax place opens but with a lot more violent tone to it and Vincent Price returns. But Price is disfigured and believes in using real people for his wax casts now! Fun Vincent Price movie in many ways and hilarious 3-D stuff to pick up on as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

The Haunted House of Horror – A slightly weird late 60s British film that also was titled “Horror House” stars Frankie Avalon. Frankie and some young party goers are bored at a party and opted to go for a drive to a little known haunted house. They actually use the term ‘ghost hunting’ while stumbling around the mansion before they decide to do a séance. One of the young party goers Gary is murdered but who done it? The story gets a little weirder when Gary’s friends agree to not call the police and hide Gary’s body thinking one of them are the psychopath. By the way Frankie Avalon eventually gets stabbed in the dick! The story is a bit choppy but for good reason as watching the film I learned the original director was fired and the film was supposed to be more psychedelic. Some footage made it and a bunch got reshot by another director (Cursed anyone?). If that wasn’t enough David Bowie was casted for the film but the studio thought him and Avalon would clash? On top of the things I even mentioned the killer runs off and credits roll before police get to the mansion. Track this film down movie buffs you will enjoy the stories about the behind the scenes stuff as I give the movie 2 stars.

 

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Fin Sheppard now a world hero is contacted by Nova who has found an ancient stone, the shark stone. Supposedly the ancients predicted the sharknadoes and predicted that world would be destroyed by them. The stone has power and the power actually allows you to control a sharknado. But not knowing this Finn and Nova accidentally causes the destruction of London when they bring the stone there. And the sharknado has kidnapped Fin’s son and Finn travels the world chasing the sharknado with the stone hoping to get his son back. Spoiler alert: There will be a sixth one! Possibly the only reason to still watch these films is what happens in the last two minutes of the film as Finn is thrown into the future world that has been destroyed by the sharknadoes. But Finn finds his son and it is Dolph Lundgren! Yep, I am in for sixth installment just for this reason as I give this sad boring sequel 1 star.

 

Galaxy of Horrors (DVD) – So Rue Morgue presents an anthology with several short films all sci-fi based. All the entries are really solid and we even get a weird “Videodrome-style” segment. My favorite might be the cannibals in space but the first two segments might hit home for young folks as it predicts where society is going and what it might look like? All the segments are played like music selections as a man is trapped inside a chamber that won’t release him. Again another anthology worth checking out for movie buffs as I give it 3 stars.

 

I.F.O.: Identified Flying Object (VHS/YouTube) – A low budget flick from 1987 that is also known under the title “Defense Play” which is the same title for a similar flick a year after this release with for more known actors in it. A misunderstood, computer savvy teenager living in Northern California who steals a mini-helicopter that has artificial intelligence, named REM and just wants to be free to fly at will. Corny movie that is a real low budget version of half of the popular 80s films at the time was most likely a movie that had its time on one the major cable channels when it was released and then disappeared. I give the movie 1 ½ stars.

 

The Evil Spawn (DVD) – John Carradine shows up for a minute as a scientist who is working with microbes from Venus in his experiments. He dies and his assistant begins her own experiments… on humans. She convinces a once popular actress she can have her youthful appearance back if she takes the serum. The actress desperate for a movie role as younger actresses keep getting roles she was once up for takes the serum. It works and makes more beautiful than ever but she begins to feel the side effects which her growing large teeth and mutilating people as her body is changing from the experimental serum. In no time she soon becomes a rubber monster creature that must eat. The film is a Fred Olen Ray produced flick which means no shortage of boobage. And the film is directed by Kenneth J. Hall who is known for doing several behind the scenes roles in early Full Moon projects. As usual it’s a late night monster romp from Fred Olen Ray that reminds me why this man should never be forgotten as I give the movie 2 ½ stars.

Clowntergiest (DVD/Vimeo) – Our story begins with a couple college girls who are staying over the summer in the small college town instead of heading home. Not a whole lot happens once college is out but that change one night when a man hunt is announced to a popular ice cream shop of police looking for a serial killer. No leads after a couple days and the one girl Emma begin seeing a clown and a balloon with a date on it in her dreams. But Emma keeps seeing it as the date is coming closer and does not believe it is a dream any longer, its reality. As the bodies keep piling up around Emma the paranormal clown keeps stalking Emma and her friend. The only way for Emma to not die on the date on the balloon is to conquer her fear of clowns. If anything the film isn’t as bad as it sounds as much as proving clowns are the new zombies of the low budget genre. The problem is unlike zombies the conversation about clown horror flicks ends after “Killer Klowns from Outer Space, House of 1000 Corpses, and Clown”. There isn’t a lot you can do with the clown genre unlike the zombie genre as I give this flick 1 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

The Hidden (VHS) – Kyle Machlan is a F.B.I. agent aka alien tracking an alien parasite that has killed his family and partner. And Lloyd the F.B.I. agent man has tracked this alien parasite from Seattle to L.A. Problem is the parasite is a jumper as it jumps from one human to another when it is all used up. The alien parasite likes metal music, fast cars, fast women, and power or being noticed. With the help of Detective Beck Lloyd is able to track down the thing until it jumps into a famous senator’s body. A cool concept for a sci-fi flick but does have its dull parts. But pay attention as there is an appearance from a younger Danny Trejo! I give the film 2 stars.

 

Pandemic (DVD) – A recent zombie film filmed “Doom or Hardcore Henry” style gives this the film a different feel. Most of the world has fallen to zombie apocalypse as a L.A. military outpost is trying to find the cure and survivors. A rescue team is sent into a hot zone to rescue survivors and get the supply drop but face off much opposition and it isn’t always zombies. Also I like they explain the stages of infection to not go full blown zombie movie but like a prequel about too? It entertained me so I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Spill (DVD) – So-called action star Brian Bosworth plays a top secret service agent for the president in this mid-90s flick. Special agent Ken Fairchild plays up his real life college football angle and best friends with the president until… During a recent event set-up sweep Ken comes across some sick people in the woods. These people are sick and the fish are dying because some dude hijacked a big rig full of chemical waste that the government was trying to cover up to begin with. He crashes the rig and waste spills into the stream. When Ken believes he stops the forces behind the cover-up he is wrong and must do the right thing by going against the president. A fun one take and B-movie action flick that was in my book as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

D4 (DVD) – A special ops team is hired to track down a kidnapper who is holding up at a closed down military facility with someone’s kid. Lots of money being paid out, so no questions asked. But when the special ops unit runs into a bootleg version of Dave Batista that can take a gunshot point blank range out in the woods they believe they are over their heads. They know for sure when they follow it to the closed down facility D4 that happens to be its home. And also houses another hybrid creature that a scientist has experimented on for the perfect soldier. Great poster, great concept, shitty execution of a film as I give it 1 star.

 

Stage Fright (DVD) – A recent horror flick that I left sit around for a while because I thought it was a remake. Nope folks it’s “High School Musical” with a gory horror flick going on in the background. Meat Loaf is running a small back woods summer camp for artists, musicians, singers for the past ten years because his star was murdered right before her big break in Loaf’s production. A decade has passed and the Loaf gives the okay to a talented, pig headed director kid to do the production. Unbeknownst to the Loaf the daughter/kitchen cook decides to audition for the lead role and nails it. But a masked killer has had enough of the Loaf and the weird kids and begins a bloody massacre posing as the villain from the production. Not a remake, entertaining to me and a nice amount of gore makes me give this small surprise 3 stars.

Demon Hunter (DVD/Vimeo) – A film from Ireland about a young woman who claims to be a demon hunter searching for the demon who defiled her younger sister. Taryn the demon hunter is captured by police one night after decapitating a demon. Brought into custody she interrogated by a detective who has a connection to Taryn from several years ago. He was the detective who promised to find the person or thing that got her sister. Never happened… so Taryn has taken things into her own hands as she searches for the one named Falstaff. Falstaff fears Taryn a bit as a small group of individuals who protect Taryn believe she is the only one that could defeat the horrible demon. I love the Irish and want to visit Ireland someday but please take away this dull ass movie as Dolph Lundgren’s “Don’t Kill It” broke the mold for recent demon movies earlier this year. For that I only give this snoozer 1 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Bloodbaths and Boomsticks Double Feature!!!

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This week Kyle and Tim return to talk about Kyle watching the T.V. show Taboo.  Tim needs your votes to win an award. What we consider the greatest movie of our generation.  Convention stuff and how to survive one.  And Kyle pitches a movie where Dolph Lundgren destroys an evil corporation. Trailers, movie reviews, and a ton more bullshit.

www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

 

This week Kyle and Tim start the bullshit early by recalling all the foreign objects that Tim has brought to E.C.W. house shows.  Kyle sees Get Out, Secretly gay Disney cartoons that all the uppity soccer moms have forgotten about. And Kyle tells the story of the time he was in 6th grade and knocked the eye out of a kid with a rock.  Also, we talk about what happens when Marvel Superheroes get old and pissed off in LOGAN. And sharks get possessed by Satan and bad CGI in SHARK EXORCIST. 

www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

Gross Movie Reviews #401

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Gross Movie Reviews #401

 

Sledgehammer (DVD/YouTube) – No, this isn’t a remake of the 80s S.O.V. flick we remember so fondly. And no the filmmaker Joshua Miller isn’t the former punter of the Pittsburgh Steelers. With that out of the way it is a film about a young man Yolner who is having a bad day. His girlfriend broke up with him, his car broke down, he is threaten to be fired, and on top of that his co-workers pull a prank on him by putting shrooms in his coffee. Yolner loses mind and goes on a psycho rampage killing his co-workers, random people, all in the search for his former girlfriend. He is nicknamed the “Sledgehammer Killer” by the press as he continues his rampage through the city! Watching this I thought I was going to get this cool ‘Jackhammer Massacre’ type of flick? Oh, I was so wrong and wanted to turn this flick off 25 minutes in as it was so terrible. Instead of shorten up the flick and adding blood and guts for fun we get what resembles a horrible music video flashback from the early 90s? Beyond words how terrible this film is, but I got through it and hopes of you not making the mistake I did as I give it 0 out of 4 stars. If curious, stupid, or just like to be abused you can get it through www.braindamagefilms.com .

Peelers (DVD/Vimeo) – A small town strip club owned by a pretty lady named Blue Jean is having the typical rough night she is used too. What is different about this night is Blue Jean has sold the place and has plans to ride off in the sunset on her bad ass cop motorcycle. Things change when some workers from the local mine roll in with oil and dirt all over them wanting booze and naked ladies. When one of the guys feel sick and run to the restroom the fun begins as he pukes up all of his bloody fluids and becomes “a crazed, brutal, brainless killer”! To make it even more interesting it is up to Blue Jean, her pseudo-son, and the bouncer to protect the strippers until they find out the crazy fucked up dudes and is killed with water. Fuck yeah people, ‘Neon Maniacs’ we are talking here people. A surprisingly entertaining flick that is a blend of ‘Feast’ meets ‘Zombie Strippers’ with a tanker full of blood and guts. My only big beef with the flick is the strip dances could have been edited down some. It’s a strip club; we know we are seeing some tits at some point. You do not have to establish every stripper and the dance they do that is called porn. With that aside this pleasant horror surprise is worth seeking out as I give it 2 ½ out 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Bethany (DVD/Vimeo) – Apparently James Cullen Bressack is able to poop out movies at will as his latest is a thriller is about a woman whose past comes back to haunt her when her mother dies. When Claire was a kid she did not have any friends and her mother made sure she was in every beauty pageant there was. So Claire begins to talk to her imaginary friend Bethany in the wall of her bedroom. This all flashes back to Claire as she talks to her husband as they plan to stay in her departed mother’s house. Claire wants a family but has had issues since their first try was stillborn and Claire lost her marbles. The longer Claire stays in the house the more odd things happen including Claire speaking to Bethany again. The film gets pretty creepy as secrets are revealed and the film isn’t your typical ‘Paranormal Activity’ cookie cutout bullshit. The film sports a pretty nasty fingernail scene and a serious Tom Green as Claire’s therapist that makes you cringe with joy. I enjoyed the fresh twist with the Bethany character and for that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. You can find out more at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Psychos (DVD/Vimeo) – Three young women get a disturbing text that shows them in very embarrassing and awkward videos from ten years ago. So J.J., Sasha, and Norma set out to find this house that is from their nightmares to steal the DVDs so these videos cannot be posted or texted again. Once there things get stranger as the three women are separate personalities of a young woman who is having recurring nightmares of all the sexual abuse she encountered from these two old pervs that live a normal life! Bloody, creepy, and a little weird makes ‘Psychos’ an interesting watch as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more can be found out at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

Deviant Behavior (DVD/Vimeo) – Here is a good slow burn kinda of thriller for you from a filmmaker Jacob Grim. A lonely private investigator named Chuck is hired to find a girl that the cops seem to be dragging their feet on. Chuck hits up the usuals: hookers and bums for information. But that goes a little dry until he is visited by an old colleague from the force who tells Chuck it is being covered up. Once Chuck puts a few things together and has a suspect he regrets stumbling into something he never could imagine as two twisted serial killers are the cause for disappearances of the girl he is looking for but many more also. Lots of gore, characters you care about and creepy/fucked up killers make this slow burn type of film make this an interesting watch for horror fans! The film reminds me somewhat of a cool much unknown Christopher Lambert flick ‘Resurrection’. Has that weird fun thriller feel? I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.stxmedia.net/deviant-behavior-movie .

 

Don’t Kill It (On Demand) – Mike Mendez and Dolph Lundgren together for a supernatural horror film equals horror GOLD! Dolph Lundgren aka Mr. Woodley the Demon Hunter rolls into a small Mississippi town looking for a demon that have cause a triple homicide three times in one week. We learn the demon cannot be killed as if you kill the person it possesses you become possessed. So this mucks things up as Mr. Woodley must be able to capture the demon by committing suicide. Mr. Woodley comes from a family of demon hunters who have done this for years and he has been trying to figure out what he can do with this demon so no one can let it loose again. Woodley has trouble trying to explain to the small town folk that you just can’t going blasting it away which leads into an awesome bloodbath at “Town Hall” that will make horror fans drool! Congrats Mr. Mendez and Dolph your film will most likely make my best of 2017 movie list as I give this bad ass horror film 4 stars! It is like someone gave the TV show ‘Supernatural’ Grade A steroids and Dolph Lundgren.

 

The Hunters of the Golden Cobra (DVD/YouTube) – I fell down the worm hole again of cinema in the Philippines in the early 80s. This time around I find this flick that stars David Warbeck in some kind of action/adventure flick that takes place in the 40s. A couple governments get together to hire a British agent and his buddy to find the “Golden Cobra”. This precious artifact will somehow restore order? So off to the jungles where a lost white woman controls the natives and her twin sister tries to screw everybody over for the precious artifact. Pretty corny and fun crap to watch if you are on the lookout for something different as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Beast in the Cave (You Tube) – The latest short film from filmmaker Cameron Mccasland tackles a short story from H. P. Lovecraft. A man writes down what exactly happened to him when he strays away from his tour guide in a cave. Fun Lovecraft stuff for the fans as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Taught in Cold Blood (DVD/Vimeo) – High School student Cameron is a lonely teenager struggling to get through his day. No dad, no mom (she is mostly a passed out drunk when not yelling at Cameron), and no friends. Even though a pretty girl named Amy tries to make herself known to Cameron he still believes he is alone. That is until Cameron by accident follows a bloody man into the woods only to watch him die at the hands of another man named Tony. After helping Tony dispose of the body, Cameron becomes obsessed with Tony and his killing ways. Cameron returns Tony’s wallet and begins to question Tony everything about murdering someone. While this goes on for days and days Cameron and Amy finally talk after Cameron saves her brother from two bullies. Cameron soon finds himself being pulled in two different directions but soon it becomes very serious when Tony is now obsessed with Cameron and stalks him. Cameron must choose: pretty girl or being a supreme serial killer? A well written thriller that has you invested in the characters and keeps you at the edge of your seat in what Cameron believes he should do… I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars and it can be found at www.continuummotionpictures.com and www.mctvnetwork.com .

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #395

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Gross Movie Reviews #395

 

Daylight’s End (On Demand) – Some time has passed since a plague has just about wiped out humans. Some are survivors and some have become some kind of vampire/zombie mutants that now feed on humans. A man on a lonely mission helps out a young woman who gets jumped by other survivors. She takes him to a safe haven in the city that happens to be a police station where survivors have fought of the mutants and plan on leaving soon. But problems come along with the lone hero as a smarter mutant or “Alpha” is setting up the survivors to be a late night snack if they do not leave soon. The pacing of the flick is good, some gore, it has the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen, and it’s another post-apocalyptic film which I enjoy. But the whole time watching the movie I felt like something was missing, not sure what? It’s kinda weird because the film is solid but not great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blair Witch (On Demand) – So there is a sequel or is it a remake? It’s a sequel… Honestly who gives a fuck as the movie annoyed the shit out of me just like the original. Heather’s brother now grown up and obsessed with finding answers to his sister’s disappearance decides to travel to the woods to do his own investigating. After a few crappy jump scares and shakier camera work, oh look… the Blair Witch! I will stick with ‘Book of Shadows’ if I wanna keeps abusing myself with these films as I give it 0 stars.

 

Ninja III: The Domination (DVD) – Lucinda Dickey, James Hong, and Sho Kosugi make the ten year old still in me love this product of the 80s all over again. A dying ninja possesses the young and beautiful Lucinda Dickey after she finds him in the desert. Not knowing of this when she sleeps the ninja spirit dresses up, grabs the sword, and begins his or her reign of terror. After a visit with screen legend James Hong, Lucinda and her boyfriend find out only a ninja can truly kill a ninja. Yep, its corny… But not in 1984/1985 where the ten year old me couldn’t get enough of this flick playing on cable TV. I give this classic 3 stars.

 

Comin’ At Ya! (DVD) – Old school western but shot in 3-D with some fun visuals that make this lost gem of a film absolutely a must watch. Before ‘Treasure of Four Crowns’ the same people made this flick about a cowboy named H.H. Hart who is about to get married until two evil brothers try to kill him and steal his bride. Once healed Mr. Hart goes on a revenge tour of tracking down the two brothers to slaughter them! If you are a spaghetti western fan or just a cinema buff and have not seen this yet? Correct this mistake quickly as it is a wonderful and fun movie experience as I give the flick 3 stars.

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Cyborg 3: The Recycler (DVD) – First, we got JCVD in a post-apocalyptic world. Second time around we got a young Angelina Jolie as a cyborg and naked! Third time around it was like the director and casting person got together threw a bunch of genre veteran names into a hat, picked them, and made a movie that no one will care that it was made… except me. Richard Lynch is Lewellyn a man who is willing to track down all cyborgs, steal their eyes, and sell them for spare parts. Lewellyn becomes obsessed when he finds out information about a female cyborg that is pregnant and tracks her to a cyborg safe haven. From there of course its war! It is B-movie fun if you lasted through the first two films this makes a great dessert film buffs as I give it 2 ½ stars.

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Night of Something Strange (On Demand) – Right or wrong, good or bad, this movie proved to be “something strange”. A janitor at a morgue gets the wise idea to have sex with a corpse. The corpse is a Jane Doe that just happens to be dead from radiation or STD’s. The janitor goes home, mutates, and then rapes mom! From there gets run down by two drunken hillbillies and hitches a ride to a convenience store to kill the clerk. And finally makes his way to a motel where a group of teenagers have deiced to stay for a night of sex on their way to a beach for spring break. Great effects, zombies, and hilarious vagina punching may have made Frank Henenlotter proud. I like to call the film “Spring Breakers vs. Sex Starved/Flesh Eating Zombies” and give the movie 3 stars as I laughed quite a few times.

 

Killbillies (DVD) – You learn something new every day as apparently this is the first Slovenia horror film ever released. Zina is a model who is traveling with another model and a photographer to the countryside for their new photo shoot. While setting up, two ‘Wrong Turn’ extras show up touching themselves and kidnap the small crew of four. The two disgusting men don’t wanna cannibalize them but use them to make some strange moonshine or vodka. Knowing death is coming Zina forces her way out to try and escape these men. Great first horror flick out of the gate and hope for many more as I give this flick 3 stars.

 

Detention (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren is a former Special Forces vet who must put his skills to work again when he is a teacher that must protect his students. Dolph gets stuck with detention duty on his last day of work. While he is trying to keep it together through this last duty some criminals have plans to use the school as part of their heist of heroin. Once the school is locked down for the weekend with just the students in detention, the criminals make their way in and set up. When they go to kill all that is left Dolph breaks into action as his students to stop them. With the Nu Image logo you knew you were getting that low budget direct to video fun. I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #392

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Gross Movie Reviews #392

 

Krampus (DVD) – So all that little Max wants is the Christmas holiday to be fun again. He still believes in Santa Claus and misses the days of just hanging with his older sister, Mom, Dad, and Grandma during the cheerful holiday season. So he writes Santa a letter asking for all this and when his cousins arrive they steal his letter and embarrass him. Now Max is ruined and throws it out the window but someone was paying attention. An old demon named Krampus makes a visit to Max’s household stealing and slaughtering everyone around him. Cool Christmas monster and really enjoyed the practical effects of the mutant jack-in-the box. Holiday horror for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.

 

Masters of the Universe (DVD) – So I decided to revisit this cartoon to live action big budget film adaptation that starred Dolph Lundgren, Meg Foster, and Courtney Cox. The film was littered with problems from beginning to end and was not released until 1987 where He-man’s popularity was already slowing down. Good or bad or just disagree with the direction of the storyline it was just cool to see something like this as a kid. Now saying that time hasn’t been kind to it since we are all older and can point out the many flaws but I believe that is the joy of the film? But damn it to hell I wanted me some Ram-man! I give it 2 stars.

 

Jurassic Shark (DVD) – Found this Brett Kelly production by accident while looking for another shark movie so I said fuck it and watched it anyway. An oil company doing some illegal drilling on a private island awakens an ancient shark and it’s hungry. A few thieves and college girls try to fend it off but die trying. The cheesiness of the plot would be well worth the watch but the terrible overacting and hideous computer shark effects make you wanna barf. Its bad folks, its real bad and that is coming from a fan of Brett Kelly films. I give it 0 stars.

 

Bad Ass 2: Bad Asses (DVD) – Old Danny Trejo runs a boxing gym to keep young kids out of trouble and just so happens to help out his neighbor Danny Glover when his store is being robbed. Word gets around some old dude beats up the thieves Andrew Divoff gets involved and forces his son to prove himself by taking the senior citizens out. Problem is the two are tough old bastards and refuse to go down easy as they take on the Argentinian nationalist (Andrew Divoff) and destroy his side business. It’s god damn Danny Trejo you know you are gonna watch it as I give it 2 ½ stars just for involving one of my favorite actors Mr. Divoff (I want another Wishmaster movie for the love of Rutger Hauer or Andrew Divoff in this case!)

 

Dead Noon (DVD) – Kane Hodder is a burned up cowboy who is keeping captive a young woman so he can tell her a boring story about a cowboy who leaves hell for revenge. Now that Frank has crossed over into present time it’s up to a couple brother sheriffs to send Frank and his minions back. I am sure Kane got paid well for his appearance but I want paid for wasting my time where a computer generated effect of a crow was even terrible in the film. Or it sucked a bag full of donkey dicks as I give it 0 stars.

 

The Greasy Strangler (DVD) – A new disturbing film that you are either gonna hate it two minutes in or laugh your ass off like I did. Otherwise you are just a bullshit artist! The story is about Big Ronnie and his son who lives together and run a celebrity disco tour (Big Ronnie’s Disco Tour) while wearing matching pink outfits. But Big Ronnie has a secret besides being one big raging boner; he is “the greasy strangler”! When Big Ronnie doesn’t have enough grease, get upset with small dick son, or just cannot have sex with his son’s new girlfriend he becomes a greasy monster and kills someone. Or at least that is what I got out of this very disturbing but funny flick. If it helps Elijah Wood makes his presence felt again as a producer… If you are a fan of Troma, ‘Slime City’, and films in that vein you watch this multiple times as I give it 3 stars.

 

Death Run (YouTube/VHS) – ‘Death Run’ is from the UK, maybe? But is better known as ‘Mutant City’ if yinz weirdos go looking for it? A young couple is thrown into a suspended animation experiment in hopes of surviving an ongoing nuclear war. They awaken 25 years later to a new world that is just a wasteland, cans of Coke don’t exist, there is lots of mutations, and the most non-threatening villain named “The Messiah” rules the wasteland. Jenny and Paul get captured but eventually escape the clutches of The Messiah but not without cost as Jenny dies making Paul and others wanting to ruin The Messiah’s famous “Death Run”. This B-flick really looks like someone had a bunch of friends and a junkyard to make an apocalyptic movie but the difference is they all were passionate about making this project happen. It’s beautiful late 80s B-movie cheese worth tracking down foe a watch and hope it makes it too DVD someday. ‘Mutant City’ I will be revisiting you again as I give you 2 stars.

the-monster

The Monster (DVD) – A slow burn creature flick that really focuses on the relationship between a troubled mother and her young daughter whose relationship is all but over. The mother hungover had promised to drive her young daughter to her father’s house but begrudgingly starts the long drive. Along the way they hit a wolf and the car stalls and gets a flat tire. The two are forced to speak to each other and call for a tow truck and paramedics. During this flashbacks explain a little more of the trouble between the two but when the tow truck arrives, the dead wolf disappears. Next thing we know Jesse the tow truck driver disappears and his arm flops on top of the car sending the two screaming for their lives in the car knowing they are not alone. The thing that is stalking them is a bad ass looking mutated gorilla/wolf/awesome practical scary ass creature that tears shit up. I really enjoyed the creature but the focus of the film the mother and daughter relationship. Plus, I believe it’s time for the “creature feature” to make a comeback and this flick will most likely make it on my ‘best of 2016 list’ as I give it 4 stars.

 

Army of One (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren is a truck driver whose partner (Ken Foree) gets shot after they are pulled over by a motorcycle cop. Taking the fall for the cop killing Dolph’s character is sent to jail but during the transfer a couple of guards decide it’s time to take their frustration out on Dolph. Dolph doesn’t want to clear his name, he wants to track down his employer who screwed him over and take the money he is owed. Along the way Dolph happens the kidnap a hot ass undercover police officer and gets into one of the best action film gunfights you will see from a 90s film. This is must see viewing for Dolph Lundgren fans as I give the film 3 stars.

 

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