Gross Movie Reviews #426

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Gross Movie Reviews #426

 

Mayhem (DVD) – Imagine if “The Belko Experiment” was done better with a simpler plot to it. The new virus that is affecting people around the globe is the ‘red eye virus’. This virus doesn’t kill you as it attacks your brain and makes you just not care. Some people it affects them sexually, some people it gives them angry rage, and so on. The point is this law firm with the help many people that work long and hard for the company found a way to get a man off for murder who killed a co-worker during the time he was infected with the virus. The CDC is aware of it and constantly trying to find a cure for it. But someone has put the virus into the water supply of the law firm and now it is on lockdown. Not before the dude that found the loop hole is fired and a woman his company is screwing over is supposed to be thrown out. Because of the lockdown the two decide to make a pact to make their way to the top in a gruesome, murderous, sexually charged rampage to kill the president of the company because they wouldn’t be blamed. Great concept for a film, gory as fuck, and absolutely entertaining as hell as I give it 4 stars.

 

The Mummy (DVD) – So if you get through the first 15 minutes of the film of Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise and check your brain at the door you will enjoy this flick for what it is? Now I was expecting a giant turd but it never happened. It is a cheesy, wonderful throwback idea of how to start the “Dark Universe” saga. Tom Cruise is a guy who uses the military to dig up artifacts and sell them on the black market until the 30 something cute professor gets involved and both unleash something evil that the world thousands of years ago buried. The Mummy or princess turned to the blackest of magic when her father had a son to make a pact. Now alive in present day she wants to complete the pact to bring evil upon the world and her to reign as king or queen in this case. But with the introduction of Dr. Jekyll as the Nick Fury character he has other plans. The movie is interesting enough to take a chance on and it is shameful that Universal Studios gave up so easy on this “Dark Universe” concept. Me personally I want it to happen, don’t give two shits whether Tom Cruise is involved or not as I give this flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Double Target (DVD) – Oh Bruno Mattei aka Vincent Dawn I so wanted to love your bootleg ‘Rambo 2’ 1987 flick that stars Miles o’ Keefe as bootleg Lorenzo Lamas or Bob in this case. But it gets boring pretty quick. Donald Pleasance plays a senator who wants a covert operation into Vietnam that makes sure the Vietnam and Russia aren’t planning some kind of terror attack. Bob just wants to go in rescue his son. Once you understand Mr. Pleasance was there for maybe a day of filming you lose interest in this action war flick that is a little too light on the action as I give it 1 star.

 

Jigsaw (DVD) – It has been a decade since the last Jigsaw murders and the death of Jigsaw aka Tobin Bell’s character. But a recent police chase of a two bit drug dealer to a roof reopens an investigation into the murders as apparently Jigsaw is back or so it seems? A police detective wrapped up in the investigation thinks he has the suspect knowing Jigsaw is dead but Jigsaw is always one step ahead in this prequel, sequel as usual they are still making shit up as they go! It wasn’t terrible but I think I am hung up on the fact I liked what they were starting in the last film with the victims of Jigsaw having their ‘AA’ meetings. It felt like it was setting up a slew of other Jigsaw flicks that were going to go in a different direction? I give this flick 2 stars.

 

Zombies: The Beginning (DVD) – One of the last films for Bruno Mattei aka Vincent Dawn goes back to the reimaging cookie jar one more time as he remakes “Aliens” sort of with zombies soap opera style. Armed forces are sent to an island where a zombie outbreak has been reported. Tyler Inc., has been experimenting with humans and now the island has become overrun with the undead. The Special Forces go in in hopes of rescuing the scientists but instead have to fight off hordes of flesh eaters. Not his best work in the zombie genre but you know I had to watch it as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Island of the Living Dead (DVD) – Vincent Dawn had one last zombie film in him before he left this great earth and horror fans. This film centers around Treasure Hunters who get stranded on an island that has the undead and a crap load of gold. About 500 years ago the Spaniards were happy and rich until a plague hit turning them all into zombies and they are controlled by a being who wants them to obey and worship it. Meanwhile the treasure hunters are risking life and limb trying to figure out how they can get the gold off the island. If there was a rave it could have been called “House of the Dead”? I give it 1 star.

 

Yellow Fangs (DVD/YouTube) – A 1990 movie directed by Sonny Chiba based on true events that happen in the mountains of Japan in the winter of 1915. A ridiculous huge bear went from village to village attacking women and dragging them deep into the snowy mountains. So of course a hunting party gets together trying to track down this murderous beast. Great killer bear flick worth tracking down that is also known as “Remains” or I like to call the film “Grizzly 3”. I give this wonderful killer bear film 3 stars.

 

Another Kind (DVD) – A few young people get together to on a trip to the mountains mid-winter to enjoy something different? After the one dude’s stuck up girlfriend leaves and the threesome see some lights at night that wake them strange things begin to happen. As they try to decide whether to hike back or press on they get lost and weird things keep happening. Think “Blair Witch” in the winter with aliens. I give this bare bones film 1 ½ stars.

 

Blade Runner 2049 (DVD) – The sequel picks up 30 years later after the first film’s events where the Tyrell Corp., bankrupt and was bought out by the Wallace Corp. They continue to make replicants but have learned from their mistakes and still hope for them to take over the human population. A Blade Runner comes across a typical non-violent replicant that as long lived longer than he should but something is different and this Blade Runner has found evidence of something that is linked to the legendary Officer Deckard. Deckard mysteriously disappeared 30 years ago and leads this new Blade Runner down a worm hole of something that could change the world or possibly put it into complete chaos! Again visually beautiful like the first film but can be a little boring but for me this film came about 20 years to late as I give it 2 stars.

Skip Trace (Blu-ray) – Jackie Chan is Bennie a lifelong cop for the Hong Kong police who has no family except a girl who is the daughter of his former partner that he swore he would watch over. Johnny Knoxville is a lifetime hustler/gambler/con man who gets mixed up with the Chinese mob when he sees a murder and has “the Matador’s” phone. On top of that the Russian mob is looking for him as he knocked up the main man’s only daughter. It is up to Bennie to get Connor Watts back from Russia over the China border to testify and put this notorious mob to rest. Jackie is getting a little older but that doesn’t stop him from doing a crapload of entertaining stunts and Knoxville being the perfect sidekick for Jackie. I really would like to see a few more movies with these two together as I believe they have some untapped chemistry? I give this entertaining as usual Jackie Chan film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

 

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Three new episodes of Bloodbaths and Boomsticks

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This week we mess with the rabbit ears,  and screw with the cables all in order to tune in some fuzzy boobs as we cover three of the best 80’s teen boner jams in JOYSTICKS, HARDBODIES, and PRIVATE SCHOOL.  Also we talk about the do’s and don’ts of women’s fashion,  drunken parents, pool parties, ex’ porn stars, and all sorts of other tomfoolery.  

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

 

This week we talk about a flick that was made by some of the people behind the immortal SPOOKIES in INVASION OF THE MINDBENDERS.  Also, we take a look at the workplace violence flick MAYHEM.  Also,  Kyle celebrates his beloved Cleveland Browns not winning a single game this season,  Why we think the NFL is fixed,  the origin of our president Donald Trump.  CHUD breeding, and a ton of other horseshit.   

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

 

 

This week we celebrate one of the hardest working dudes in all of movieland with our first annual JACKIE CHANS-MAS as we cover his new flick THE FOREIGNER.  And also we talk about the Dick Butkis
epic HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE.  Join us as we talk about such topics as fighting Pittsburgh CHUDS in the extreme cold, what we used to do on school cancellation snow days,  pooping in WWII, and we reminisce about Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

 

Welcome to Gross Movie Reviews’ Best of 2017 list!

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As usual a few people will be pissed, a few will be excited, and quite a bunch of yinz will be baffled still to this day what the hell I watch…

 

Gross Movie Reviews Top Ten Movie list of 2017


1) Don’t Kill It (On Demand) – Mike Mendez and Dolph Lundgren together for a supernatural horror film equals horror GOLD! Dolph Lundgren aka Mr. Woodley the Demon Hunter rolls into a small Mississippi town looking for a demon that have cause a triple homicide three times in one week. We learn the demon cannot be killed as if you kill the person it possesses you become possessed. So this mucks things up as Mr. Woodley must be able to capture the demon by committing suicide. Mr. Woodley comes from a family of demon hunters who have done this for years and he has been trying to figure out what he can do with this demon so no one can let it loose again. Woodley has trouble trying to explain to the small town folk that you just can’t going blasting it away which leads into an awesome bloodbath at “Town Hall” that will make horror fans drool! Congrats Mr. Mendez and Dolph your film will most likely make my best of 2017 movie list as I give this bad ass horror film 4 stars! It is like someone gave the TV show ‘Supernatural’ Grade A steroids and Dolph Lundgren.

2) Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

3a) Garden Party Massacre (DVD/Vimeo) – Filmmaker Gregory Blair gives us a film about a couple (Caleb and Addison) who are having a small gathering that the theme is ‘no cell phones’. The party is all about people interacting with each other. The socially awkward party begins when all the characters show up and begin eating until a psycho with a pick axe shows up and kills the annoying girl. Now Caleb and Addison and fellow guests must figure out how to escape the house and make a run for it as the psycho killer has them trapped. The killer wants blood, the guests are in a state of panic, and Mr. Blair throws a curve ball when the party guests learn it’s a prank gone wrong and much more happens. I would to say more but then I would just be giving away the movie. Blair and company make great use of the house and backyard but the story set up and the actors playing the characters are the gems of this movie. The actors should be proud of what they done because they were simply entertaining and made this typical horror movie into so much more! I was just happy to see a movie with a title like this made but for the horror flick to be this much fun was just icing or blood on top of the red velvet cake (watch the movie you’ll understand). Plain and simple the movie was fucking brilliant and may show up on my “Best of 2017 list” as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. Go to http://www.gardenpartymassacrefilm.com for more details.

3b) Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at http://www.poolpartymassacre.com .

4) Fist of Jesus (You Tube) – A Spanish short film about Jesus trying to help resurrect a woman’s son, only for him to become a zombie. Next thing you know we have Roman zombies, Cowboy zombies, all kinds of zombies. And Jesus must kick zombie ass and save his friend Judas. The film was influenced by Peter Jackson and a well worth of wasting 15 minutes of your time on You Tube. But while watching notice the production, the effects, all impressive in my opinion! Check out http://www.fistofjesus.com as I give it 4 out of 4 gory stars.

5)The Creep Behind the Camera (Blu-ray) – An amazing reenactment documentary about filmmaker Vic Savage aka A.J. Nelson aka Arthur White aka most likely had a few other names. Otherwise a film that documents the insanity behind the making of a bad movie of 1964’s “The Creeping Terror” before stuff like “Troll 2” and “Cursed” were even thought of. Vic gets the filmmaking bug and moves himself and his first wife out to Hollywood during the 50s to make “the biggest monster movie anyone has seen!” Never mind the bad movie as much as Vic Savage was a complete psycho, womanizer, drug addict, drunk, con man! True stories told by living cast members, his first wife, producer, etc. Vic Savage was such a complete maniac that his monster maker stole his own creation during filming because he wasn’t paid, change actresses, sets, hung out with Charles Manson (before we all knew who he was), god complex, threesomes, Vic was completely insane. So insane he disappears into the night leaving what was considered the finished product/film in the garage with no sound, slate, etc. This is stuff that could not be made up about a film that is one of the first two movies I can legitimately remember watching. This film started it all for me and to watch this and learn of this insanity just made me absolutely love this documentary! It is beautiful insanity that needs to be watch and rewatched to be believed! There is lots of cool extras on the Blu-ray: The Creeping Terror movie of course but my favorite extra “How to Build a Carpet Monster”. Once again, Synapse Films does not disappoint as I give this wonderful package 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

6) The Guardians (DVD) – A Russian version of ‘The Avengers’ that features a man that turns into a bear, has a machine gun and a woman on his back killing evil persons while running through Moscow! Yep, I am sold and do not need to say anymore but I will. After the Russians entered the war in 1940 scientists were doing secret genetic research. After several failed experiments over the years a scientist goes rogue and starts to use people to further his experiments. When the military tries to intervene the scientist gets caught in a chemical explosion and becomes a part of his own experiment only to disappear until now. During a high tech military exercise this monster reappears and takes control of all machines killing all involved and disappears. So the Russian military forms a team of superheroes Nick Fury style: Ler – a man who can move rocks and things and uses them as weapons or a suit. Khan – a guy who has swords and can move like the wind. Kseniya – who is able to regulate her body temperature? And my favorite because he looks like a character from the Sega game “Altered Beast” Arsus (I believe that is how it’s spelled) – is a man who turns into a thing with a bear head and when he is really pissed off turns into a giant grizzly bear! They must take down the former scientist Kuratov now evil monster mastermind who also made them into what they are. Kuratov wants to take over Moscow then the world and make more troops like him. His goal in accomplishing this is using an old Reagan satellite in space left over from the “Star Wars program”. First time around The Guardians is defeated quickly but they reset things and prepare differently to become a team and defeat this evil Kuratov before it’s too late. The movie is a brilliant comic book-style popcorn flick that fits right in with the Marvel and DC universes! I absolutely loved this exciting flick as I give it 4 stars. Come one for the love of Rutger Hauer you have a bear with a machine gun you know this is gonna make my “Best movies of 2017 list”.

7) Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

8) Trespassers (DVD) – This fantastic short film is from Zane Hershberger (for the love of Rutger Hauer you know I am fucking that name up) and is a segment of a horror anthology called “10/31”. A couple is out at the local movie theater trying to enjoy a good scary movie but have picked a dud. So still looking for something to put a little fear in their lives on the best night of the year, Halloween they go for a drive out to a farm. This farm isn’t any farm it has a horrible history of a scarecrow popping mysteriously on the land and eventually Old Man Martin murdered his family and committed suicide. But what is about this creepy scarecrow that makes the local story so interesting this couple wants to know? Pretty creepy and well thought out Halloween short film reminds me of a cool little known horror flick from the late-80s called “Scarecrows” and for that I give 4 out of 4 stars.

9) The Void (DVD) – An extremely vague but interesting horror film that has some of the best movie creatures since ‘The Thing’? A man is picked up along a dark road and brought into a closing hospital by a small town police officer. Things only get stranger when the man does not wanna quit babbling and the police officer is attacked by a person in a white sheet outside. Once the doctor and nurses stop the bleeding on the officer more of these people in white sheets show up. Meanwhile another nurse goes nuts, rips her face off and stabs a patient in his eye killing him and that’s when it gets even weirder??? Two guys show up bitching about a massacre, a huge disgusting creature steals the state trooper and begins feeding on him, and apparently the good doctor of the hospital is the next Pinhead!? Fun and gruesomely entertaining film! My only drawback with the film is you must pay attention to pick up on some of the happenings because I would have liked a little more explanation. But this film is easily the new horror generation’s ‘Hellraiser’? I give this amazing creature filled film 3 ½ stars and most likely be somewhere on my “Best of 2017 movie list”.

10a) Bonehill Road (Vimeo) – Todd Mother F’N Sheets reaches into the depths of his mind and pulls out this latest project of an old school werewolf film. The film centers on a mother and daughter who are escaping an abusive relationship. On the road to grandpa’s house they meet a creepy dude at a rest stop (which I believe happens to all of us at least once) and believe they just narrowly missed hitting a bear? Shortly after the narrow miss a tire blows out and they hit a tree. The women take a few to get their senses and try to figure out what they should do but that so-called bear comes back to haunt them or I should say werewolf. On the run the ladies find a house but their luck is worse than they think when creepy dude from rest stop is the owner and has his own serial killer thing going on. These women have already been battle tested and know what is outside is worse than inside. Once the madman is dispatched in a rather gruesome manner its back to figuring out how to fight off these werewolves who are trying to break their way into the home. I absolutely enjoyed this werewolf flick. I would compare to Todd’s film to another werewolf flick “Wolfen” or “Bad Moon”. Mr. Sheets went for a more story driven werewolf flick and when it pays off it more than pays off with a scene in the kitchen. While a woman recently bitten transforms another not one but two werewolves shot in 100% light wander into the kitchen and it is a beautiful thing. Most independent werewolf films have to hide their monster. Hell most mainstream flicks do the same but Todd Sheets made sure you got the money shot and more with this scene. Todd absolutely delivered on a giving horror fans an entertaining treat of a werewolf film. And yes horror fans the film is a little slow but again the film is more story driven than gore driven but you will get your blood, guts, and cannibalism! A couple other cool tidbits to the film are the end credits scene with fake Gene Simmons again and they have a “stunt werewolf” thanks to Mr. Steele. Todd Mother F’N Sheets did again and I think fans will be pleased with his old school werewolf flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

10b) Knock Knock (On Demand) – No folks this isn’t that terrible Keanu Reeves movie we all lured into watching last year. This film is something much better! 2012 “Dorm of the Dead’s” Toby Canto makes his return back to the independent horror genre with this great gem. A story of misfits living in an apartment complex. An old boxer named “Stonefist” Sam is turning 60 today. Not the most pleasant person returns home to his weirdo neighbor Oliva hanging out in his apartment complaining about a vampire living across the hall. She can’t make her mind up if its Dracula or just a hot vampire living next door as she has been watching him worried he will kill her. As Sam tries to calm her down another weirdo neighbor Dragon busts in with his bag of goodies to kill the vampire and blurts out this great quote “Fucking Draculas Bro”! He also has stories of Dracula living next door including ripping his “Missing in Action” poster off of his front door. Once Gretchen stops by the scene is set as Oliva stole a package that was left for the vampire. As the four argue the vamp knocks on Sam’s door to nicely get the package but that goes horribly wrong when he was already invited to an apartment complex party. Sam doesn’t believe the neighbor is a vamp until the vamp tries to bring hell down on the four and Sam shows why he was nicknamed “Stonefist”. After they beaten the vamp down and tie him up they warn him to just be a good neighbor or leave? The credits role and we all find out the vamp has friends as a war takes place in the apartment. Smart production, hilarious script and characters, and the actors were down right fucking awesome and perfect for these parts! This flick had me laughing my balls off the whole time watching it. Toby I hope all of us horror fans get to see more projects from you as this is one of the best independent horror projects I have seen in 2017. I give this flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Check out Pop Art Pictures Facebook page for more details on the film.

 

The notable movies that still deserve a mention

 

Hectic Knife (DVD) – Let’s be honest folks most of us are Troma fans and we know Troma pretty much has become a distributor of independent films. Hey Troma has to survive just like any other small movie company. 99% of the time the newer Troma stuff that is released is to make them money and keep them afloat and really doesn’t have anything to do with the Troma legacy? Well folks, I am to say ‘Hectic Knife’ is a different but Troma-like film that has come out of nowhere. The film is about a new knife-swinging superhero named ‘Hectic Knife’. He kills rapists, gangsters, junkies, but like the rest of us normal people he has to pay bills, needs a roommate, struggles with all the killing, and no girlfriend. But when ‘Hectic Knife’ comes into contact with a professional baddie named ‘The Piggly Doctor’ he must risk his own life to defeat this new baddie. Hilarious over-the-top violence, bad jokes, bagels, a hippie, and the vibe the film gives off while watching it is like the stuff of second generation Troma films. Let me explain: first generation is “Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘em High”, second generation is “Tromeo and Juliet and Sgt. Kabukiman”. It fits in with the 90s Troma stuff which is a good thing. The movie just has that Troma vibe that makes you wonder if Lloyd may have been on set. Troma should be more than happy adding this feature to this their library it’s one of the few flicks that understand what Troma is all about and for that I am thankful! I give this fun flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars and definitely one of the better films of 2017! Go get it now folks http://www.troma.com as there isn’t enough good things I can say about this independent flick.

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

Kill Show (YouTube) – A short film that features a young woman’s struggle with her perverted mind frame of being a clown. The film takes you into her mental breakdown and she gets off on hearing about her random killing spree that can only end in one way. She wants to be known/remembered, not forgotten. Todd Braley and crew do a wonderful job of making this an interesting and creepy short film that makes you want to know more about this young woman’s story. What adds to the feel of the flick is the way the film was shot as it felt like the crew might have been trying to give the viewer a unique disturbing view into her madness. Wonderful stuff from Mr. Braley and hope there is a lot more coming for film fans. I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars and you can rent it at http://www.reelhouse.org/infinitymediaprods/kill-show .

 

The Foreigner (DVD) – Possibly one of the most underrated flicks of 2017 I did not see coming. Jackie Chan is driving his daughter to a shop to pick up her dress. He has a slight car accident out front when a bomb goes off inside the dress shop killing his daughter and several others. From here you are expecting Jackie Chan to go all Jackie Chan but he doesn’t. Jackie just wants answers! Meanwhile Pierce Bronson is Irish dude who is in with the British government mainly to try and keep the peace between the Irish extremists lets say and the Brits? For most of the movie you are not totally sure if Pierce’s asshole charcter is behind the bombing or just trying distance himself from it as he was one of these extremists 30 years ago. But Jackie wants answers and everyday sits in this lobby waiting. When he doesn’t get the answers he wants and no one has been found that did the bombings Jackie begins to stalk Pierce’s character. And again you are expecting the wild acting, stunts, and so on but his character being 60 years old gives up his restaurant and starts a one man crusade of just fucking people up! Think “Taken” but if possible done in a better way? It can be debated whether this is a better version of “Taken” just for the mere reason Jackie Chan goes away from what he is known for and becomes possibly a bigger bad ass than he ever was with this hardcore action/drama flick. Kudos to Jackie Chan because I did not see such a flick coming this late in his career as I give it 3 1/2 stars.

 

Worst movie of 2017: Jeepers Creepers 3

Gross Movie Reviews #403

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Gross Movie Reviews #403

 

Asylum of Darkness (Vimeo/VOD) – We have a film about a lone man named Dwight who questions if he is insane, if things are real, etc.? All Dwight knows he must get out of the asylum and back into the real world because he believes he is not insane. The time comes, Dwight breaks out and tries run away from his craziness… maybe. But witnessing a car accident and helping the driver inside Dwight takes over a man’s life (Art Finsch). On the inside its Dwight, on the outside it is a man named Art: author, womanizer, crappy marriage. Dwight measuring up or just trying to gauge his situation decides to try and fix the marriage and just enjoy his second chance at life. But whatever to the beautiful woman that visited him in the asylum, who is weird white-haired man following him, and what happened to the real Art Finsch? The movie can become a little confusing at times, feel a little long (close to 2 hours), but with the casting of genre vets Tiffany Shepis and Tim Thomerson in supporting but important roles the film can be quite interesting. Once the film ends you still question who is who or what happened or if it did? But it is one of those weirdo films that you should keep in the back of your mind when looking for something different to watch than a straight up horror flick. I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more about it can be found at www.facebook.com/octobercoast .

 

District B13 – A kind of futuristic/post-apocalyptic film that involves a fitness craze of par-core (I think, remember my only exercise is drinking beer and watching weird flicks like this…) and martial arts and putting ‘Escape from New York” into 2010 Paris. Understand the film was made in 2005 and there is a sequel if you like this flick? A wall has been built around the ghettos of Paris to keep the gangs walled off from Paris and the police just hang there until they are given orders to leave before the government decides to wipe the area clean innocent people or not. Leito is just a bad ass dude who protects his sister inside ghetto B13 and throws drugs away from a gang that harasses him. Leito tries to do the right thing and the police do not care. Now Leito is in jail, the rival gang has his sister, and there just so happens to be a bomb in the middle of the ghetto that is going to kill everyone. So some elite officer Damien breaks out Leito for help to stop the “Clean Bomb”. The movie reminds of those direct-to-video movies and sequels to ‘American Ninja’ and ‘Kickboxer’ that came out in the early 90s. I give the movie 2 ½ stars.

 

Strip Club Massacre (Vimeo/DVD) – Megan is having a bad life right now. All in one day the beautiful Megan loses her job, her boyfriend to her rich roommate, and her place of living. Forced out she heads to Georgia to an old best friend’s place until she can get on her feet again. Once there her best friend’s boyfriend hooks her up with a waitress job at his strip club. Megan is warned the club is not your usual strip club and Megan is warned not to cross the main stripper “Jazz” played by Erin Brown aka Misty Mundae. Megan ignores and begins her job and just tries to make enough money to go back to school. Some weird things go down but Megan tries to push on. Megan gets invited to a employee only party and proceeds to be drugged and raped! Megan has had enough and goes on a murderous rampage in the strip club. Simple, bloody, lots of boobs, and the movie shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I give this flick 1 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.braindamagefilms.com .

 

Miles Before Sleep (DVD) – Friends are taking a trip to the beach and they have problems just like normal people: who’s pregnant? Who’s the baby daddy? Why did we take the one friend that wants to see Kayne in concert? The friends are traveling through West Virginia and of course their car has a gas leak causing them to be stranded. The friends figure they better find some shelter for the night before some ‘Wrong Turn’ shit goes down. They find a nice dude and his girl in the middle of the woods that is basically living off the grid and keep to themselves. It is a simple life but at least they are not raping their sister… until you meet the relatives that were hunting or just raping their sister as usual. So the friends soon become part of dinner and must fight to escape because they are city folk! And city folk are sinners of course! I give the entertaining no budget flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find the flick from Michael Taylor Pritt at www.funtimeproductionz.com .

Are We the Waiting (DVD) – Apparently the draft have been reinstated and this unemployed all around good dude Chance has been drafted and ships out next week. Instead of going to fight for his country Chance and his girlfriend are going to run off to Canada to disappear but have one last party with friends. The friends get to the house for their online gaming party but things quickly change when decide to try a different gaming website that shows the party a severed arm. They all try to shut down and get some drinks only to find horrible crap in the freezer. From there it escalates when a brightly masked person has shown up and tries to kill them off one by one. Michael Taylor Pritt and crew are passionate about their work but haven’t hit that stride just yet. Meaning I may have not been impressed with this movie but know their best is still to come which is good for all fans of their work as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars. You can this at www.funtimeproductionz.com .

 

Legend of the Drunken Master (DVD) – Probably one of the more famous of the Jackie Chan flicks is this feature about a man that knows “drunken boxing”. But this show of martial arts is frowned upon by most in the Asian communities because the person or persons are usually complete drunks and bring shame to their families. But Chan’s character swears off the art of fighting when his father kicks him out but eventually becomes involved a company man who is looking for an artifact that will fetch him lots of money but is mistakenly switched for ginseng which were in the same box. More than anything this film shows off Jackie Chan’s talent and knack of what was to come and show American audiences something they have never seen. I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Movies to Watch on a Rainy Afternoon (DVD/YouTube) – A collection of YouTube videos from Addison Binek who takes it upon himself to show movies “MST3K”-style and in fast forward or highlights. But Mr. Binek does it with his own unique style that keeps it entertaining but yet not fake which for me always makes it entertaining. Mr. Binek the host tackles films such as: “Hectic Knife, Cannibal Claus, Slaughter Claus, The Giant Claw, Blood Orgy of the She-Devils, Rabid Grannies, Hot to Trot, Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Clever”. So this DVD tackles all the good and bad, mostly bad of these films. I enjoyed his humor and comments on Full Moon. If that isn’t enough pay attention to things in the background like the “Vibrator Christmas Tree” or Addison Binek in a horse mask committing suicide for watching ‘Hot to Trot’. Fun stuff for the You Tube fans as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. Become a fan at: https://www.youtube.com/user/JABproducts

 

Evils of the Night (Blu-ray) – College-aged kids are at the beach to party and have lots of sex until some of them go missing. Some aliens have visited Earth as old people who are tracking down young good looking people between the ages of 16-24 to get their blood. They need it to survive. But in between all the sex some of the kids have become concerned and try to find out what is happening to their friends? Running for their lives or just being harassed by a couple old mechanics the movie doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. But it’s the 80s, the film stars Julie Newmar, John Carradine, Amber Lynn, we have the millennium falcon on the poster, the film was called “Demon’s Blood” at one point, and some people believe this film was started as a porno? For that I am thankful I track this film down. The new Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray is packed with all kinds of cool extras including the alternate feature-length TV edit version of the film! I give the film 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #374

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Gross Movie Reviews #374

 

By Tim Gross

 

Vicious Lips (DVD) – A forgotten and lost film that has found its way to a DVD four-pack not long ago from the great Empire Pictures. Charles Band is an uncredited producer but something tells me he had more to do with this film from the stories I have been told by several people over the years who have worked with him? But that being said how about Greg Cannom and John Carl Buechler doing effects and the legendary Albert Pyun directing? Well that is exactly what you get in this weirdo sci-fi film where a band is traveling to a different planet to get their big break and with a new lead singer. There isn’t much else to say as I just described the whole plot of the film in one sentence. It is a forgotten gem for movie nerds to have for their collection as I give it 2 stars.

 

Shinjuku Incident (DVD) – Jackie Chan is a Chinese immigrant who finds himself in Japan trying to make things go his way. But the only way to make it work is steal merch and resell. Soon he becomes highly regarded by his fellow immigrants as he becomes feared by some in Japan’s local mob circles. As Jackie Chan uses the local mobs they use him to get what both want. Not your typical Jackie Chan crazy action-stunt film but an interesting film about the rise of Chinese immigrants in Japan. I give the film 2 ½ stars.

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Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies (VHS/DVD-R) – Let me just say this any horror film that begins with Suicidal Tendencies “I Saw Your Mommy and Your Mommy is Dead” gets 4 stars no matter what comes next. But that just isn’t enough for this fun gem of unknown goodness! Karen Black stars as Auntie Lee, Pat Morita as the local small town sheriff, Michael Berryman as the weird dude (Larry) who takes care of the nieces’ cars after deliveries, and the very beautiful Teri Weigel. Teri may have done a lot of porn but always found a way into a stray horror film which I always enjoy finding. Teri is one of the best. But after jamming out to Suicidal Tendencies we are introduced to some lunatic who tries to carjack a young lady and becomes a victim himself for Auntie Lee. Auntie Lee for years has sold her famous meat pies to the local town folk of Penance. And these days now her nieces are all grown up they go out and lure men in for the taking. Usually if there is car trouble or car cleaning needing to be done it’s up to Larry until he is caught one day with a trunk full of bones! Pat Morita decides then with the bootleg David Bowie as a private investigator try to bring down Auntie Lee. But the real question is will the sheriff bring her in or will he become the next meat pie? Everyone is awesome in this light-hearted “Motel Hell” horror film. This movie deserves to be seen all horror movie fans as I give this fun meaty morsel 4 stars.

 

Night of the Zombies (VHS/DVD-R) – The film is also known as Part II starring the famous Jamie Gillis as a CIA agent who is sent to search for poisonous canisters after two scientists going missing. The more he searches for these mysterious canisters the more he understands he has become part of a war that never ended 40 years ago. Zombie fans may even overlook this one as the film is filled with very dull scenes but tries to make up for the lack of good film with weird, nasty looking zombie make-up which was just enough to keep me watching to the end. I give the Gillis-zombie adventure 1 ½ stars.

 

Mutilations (YouTube/DVD-R) – A funny low budget flick from the mid-80s where students and their teacher witness a spaceship flying by. When the ship lands the alien feasts on some hobos. Meanwhile the next day the teacher and students while in class debate about UFOs! So after agreeing they investigate the UFO sightings further and we are bombarded with fun scenes of Claymation and the destruction of the student body by the alien… It has that “Deadly Spawn” kind of feel to it if it helps as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

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Fun Time (DVD) – Some lucky people get invited to a night of Funhouse fun filled with clowns. If they make it through the night they get $500,000. If not, they become part of the body count. Not so much the invitees surviving as much as the clowns entertaining themselves and not paying anyone as usual. The clowns put the contestants through several torturous games in “Saw” like fashion to be one step closer to escaping. But will they as the clowns begin to turn on each other? Michael Taylor Pritt proves clowns are always gonna be an effective thing to scare the poop out of people as I give this independent feature 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Found out more about the film at: www.facebook.com/OfficiallyFunTimez .

 

Unnatural (DVD) – A selection from the 2015 After Dark Horrorfest which I was surprised it was still going on? Middle of nowhere Alaska a photographer and a couple of models are doing their latest project. They just happen to be staying in a cabin with James Remar who tells the story of an unstoppable polar bear to scare the city folk. His story becomes true when people become bloody puddles of mess as a scientist (Sherilyn Fenn) is running for her life from a genetically altered polar bear who wants to fuck some humans up! A fun ‘when animal attacks’ movie that also has Ray Wise as a head honcho of an envoirmental company claiming bullshit when the polar bear kills all. I give the horror flick 3 stars.

 

The Collapsed (DVD) – The apocalypse has happened and no one is sure of how or why? A family fighting for survival out in the woods making their way to a rural area to get away from all the craziness of the big city. But something evil is stalking them and slowly they die one by one by this mysterious evil. Not the best of the recent apocalypse films but has an interesting plot twist of the mysterious evil that follows the family. The answer will make you happy you made it all the way through the film as I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.