Gross Movie Reviews #579

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Shark Encounters of the Third Kind (DVD) – Mark Polonia and his scuba diving stock footage is back to haunt audiences with another killer shark film that pretty much fails to be a fun shark flick. In this mess, big headed aliens have entered the earth’s atmosphere to clean up a past mess. The film not played for laughs is mainly about the aliens fucking with sharks and past alien abductees… Next time Mark do fans a favor go make another “Feeders” film instead of what? FIVE SHARK FILMS in two years that has stock scuba diving footage, the same actors and characters, and maybe 60 minutes of actual film between five movies that possibly has been splice together? Not to be critical or anything as I give this shark film 1 star.

Python Island (DVD) – I am not me unless I stumble upon a giant snake film from China that has alternate title of “Giant Snake”. The film sets the tone with a child getting lost on ‘Cannibal Island’ where the kid finds a magical tree that is protected by snakes. After being rescued and his village being ravaged by giant snakes years later the kid all grown up returns to the island with the right intentions to find a cure for his native island where they have been cursed with a mysterious illness. Lots of action, bad CGI snake effects, and people getting eaten keeps this interesting enough for weirdos like myself as I give it 2 stars.

The Devil Doll (DVD) – A 1936 Tod Browning film that is more of a thriller than horror than involves an escaped convict. A wrongly accused convict escapes with a partner from prison only to quickly inherit a secret that gets the man thinking of revenge on those who framed him? Using this certain power and costumes he is able to weave his way back into the lives of his old business partners. The film won’t blow you away in effects or what not but I found myself enjoying this character going to great lengths for revenge and making sure his daughter is well off as I give it 3 stars.

Starship (DVD) – Always looking for fun and dumb science fiction flicks so I give you this Aussie feature that is also known as “Lorca and the Outlaws”. The film is set on another distant planet where working conditions are shitty and an evil dude with an army of robots is trying to wipe out human rebels. There is a ship coming in from Earth and the rebels wanna use it to escape but the evil dude has other plans as he has been given orders to wipe out all human workers and replace them with robots. The movie can be a bit boring at times but I did enjoy finding another film that had Hugh Keays-Byrne in as hired gun to search for the great Lorca as I give the film 2 stars.

Amityville Cabin (YouTube) – So yes entry #38 for all of yinz counting is a short film that is available on YouTube about a no-budget film crew heading to a haunted cabin. Of course things go horribly quickly but not without the film crew basically winking back at the camera the whole time during this short film as I give 1 ½ out of 4 stars as I have seen much worse in this series.

The Barn II (Theater/rough cut) – Now understand horror fans the cut I and many others at the theater got to see is not a finished product. From what I know there is effects still being added, cuts needed still, and a couple corrections, the usual stuff but it is finally finished for us to all go enjoy. Anyway the lone survivor of events a couple years ago is off to college and in a sorority trying to help out with a fund raiser that just happens to be a haunted house or barn. As the small town folk struggle to get past the ban of Halloween being dropped people celebrate and head out in mass to the haunted attraction. But the demons/creatures seem to have some unfinished business and return. Lots of cameos that I wasn’t sure they were gonna work going in to see the film proved me wrong as I enjoyed seeing not only the big cameos but the smaller Indy cameos as they all a place in the film and didn’t feel forced. Without getting too much into as it being a sequel you Justin Seaman and crew wanted to make sure there is more monsters, blood, and Ari Lehman as I give the rough cut 3 out of 4 stars as this wraps up and gets me excited for what Justin and crew do in the future?

Bigfoot or Bust! (DVD) – A pretty recent Jim Wynorski film that has a group of women heading to the woods to look for Bigfoot (it is better you don’t ask why)! Their main task of doing this is shooting Bigfoot in the peen so they can get on T.V. and be relevant. Meanwhile there is also another group of women who come from 50 years in the future to find Bigfoot shit because it is worth millions in the future. Poor acting from the usual Wynorski acting staples, musical numbers, a trampoline (it is a dumb scene), lots of bad fake boobs, old T.V.s being thrown away illegally, and “The Good, The Bad, and The Bigfoot” skit litter this so-called film. Every time I watched hilarious garbage like this I do remind myself he made “Chopping Mall” as I give this 1 star for the mere reason the Bigfoot was actually entertaining.

Shark Side of the Moon (Tubi) – Asylum Entertainment has a new home to throw up new features since an unnamed network has become the ‘Harry Potter’ channel and that home is “Tubi”! So of course any crazy ass dumb shark film starts in 1984 Russia where the Russian scientists are experimenting with sharks and making them humanoid soldiers. The experiment gets loose and a couple scientists save the world by taking or sending the sharks to space depending how you look at it? Anyway 40 years have passed and NASA sends a crew to the moon to begin setting up for colonization of the moon. Sorry, nope, instead these astronauts find hybrid sharks who are surviving on the moon including populating it with plans to return to earth for world domination! But to the astronauts’ surprise they find the lone Russian scientist that knows about the experiment and a human/shark hybrid that is attempting to destroy all hybrid shark plans for world domination. I laughed a lot during this film for good and bad reasons but bottom line it was entertaining as I give it 2 ½ stars.  

Dead Zone (Tubi) – Jeff Fahey and Michael Jai-White star in a cheaper but possibly more entertaining version of the first “Resident Evil” film with special suits because the government is using dirty bombs to kill zombies as I give it 2 stars.

Mutant Blast (DVD) – This is one of those holy fuck gory post-apocalyptic zombie flicks out of Portugal where two survivors try to survive an onslaught of zombie chaos. One is military trained and stabs a lot of zombies in the skull, the other is some hung-over dude who happened to walk into this mess and eventually grows a rat out of his left hand that the rat’s mum comes looking for it eventually. If you enjoyed weird shit like “Bad Taste” and “Evil Aliens” this is your bag kids as I give it 3 stars.    

Massacre at Central High (Blu-ray) – This 1976 film always had that T.V. movie feel to me and it has never looked so wonderful than it does on this Synapse Films Blu-ray. A staple of early 80s cable for me and most likely many others as it was time to revisit this more than relevant film about high school students and write a new review. David is new to the high school and an old friend of Mark who David helped out a while back. Mark wants to introduce David to his clique as they get whatever they want. But it doesn’t take David long to know this small group are bullies and have bullied the whole school into submission. David tries to help out and walk that fine line of standing up to the bullies and defending those who have been bullied for a long time. But after an attempted rape by this clique and David beating them up they pay him a visit and cripple David. Now David just wants revenge, but there is one problem as he gets rid of the bullies, new ones pop up causing David to think bigger in ending this vicious circle of life. The film is over 45 years old and more relevant now than then and seeing it at a young age I may have never comprehend the movie’s subject matter? What makes this film great and David’s plotting relentless is the characters were perfectly casted (Andrew Stevens, Derrel Maury, Robert Carradine, Kimberly Beck, Ray Underwood, just to name a few), there is no adults getting in the way for most of the film, and most likely any person that has or will watch this film/Blu-ray know or have known one of these characters at this school in the film. Again it’s over 45 years old and the film still has realism to it. Along for the ride on the Blu-ray is some audio interviews, trailers, and a very cool documentary that if a fan of the film will have you ‘nerd’ out on who they got talking about the film? A pretty cool release for your physical media collection from Synapse Films as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars, for more details go to www.synapse-films.com .

River of Death (DVD) – Actually been looking for this Michael Dudikoff film for a while as it seem to be out of print until recently as it is popping up everywhere on streaming services and physical media. Our film begins in 1945 Germany where a series of events has a couple Nazis screwing each other over to escape capture or death but also to continue some evil Nazi experiments. Flash forward twenty years in the Amazon jungle Dudikoff (Hamilton) is guiding a doctor and his daughter through the jungle to find the source of a mysterious disease killing the natives. After getting captured and shot at Hamilton wants to go back as he believes he has found ‘The Lost City’ and that is where the doctor’s daughter was taken too. Problem, a lot of people are interested for their own selfish reasons including a Donald Pleasence he believes the Nazi doctor (Robert Vaughn) that screwed him over is alive and well! They all venture into the jungle to survive heat and cannibals to go find ‘The Lost City’. Dudikoff isn’t a ninja but this film was still damn entertaining as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

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Gross Movie Reviews #572

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Gross Movie Reviews #572

The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue (Blu-ray) – Many people also know it as ‘Let Sleeping Corpses Lie’ but that doesn’t stop it from being a popular zombie flick among horror fans. George an antiques dealer heads out to the country to get away from people and industry for the weekend but that is thrown into chaos when a ditzy woman named Christina backs over his bike. Together the two head out to Christina’s sisters’ place. Things go bad when Christina cannot stop talking about the beast that came for her. The two arrive to find the sister in hysterics and the husband dead and the detective believes “the damn hippie”, George, is capable of doing the dirty deed. Now the two must stick around for the investigation but after some of their own research George believes it is the ultra-sonic radioactive device being used experimentally to kill parasites on a farm is the cause. Got some gore, got some unstoppable zombies, and we got a cop that always believes the hippie did it so I am in as I give the film 2 ½ stars but 4 out of 4 stars all the way for Synapse Films going all out giving UK zombie fans an absolute pristine Blu-ray. The film looks beautiful, super colorful and it is like watching it for the first time again… Synapse made sure to pack this disc with a couple commentaries, a documentary on filmmaker Jorge Grau along with a few other goodies that will make you happy you made this purchase so go to www.synapse-films.com for your copy now.

Studio 666 (On Demand) – So The Foo Fighters are working on another album but have hit a snag? It is their tenth album and they are feeling pressure from their manager to make this happen but Dave Grohl and company haven’t got anything on paper. The manager super-hot with their pissing around sends them to a known haunted house in Encino, California to actually work on the new album. They all agree it has a great creepy death vibe but think nothing of it until weird things begin to happen and their roadie is killed while hooking up equipment. Meanwhile trying to continue on and Dave having writer’s block he does find the basement where he finds a bad ass never finished track from the band “Dream Widow”. He quickly becomes possessed and is determined to finish this epic song which will be the whole album! There are demons, possession, talk of Satan, great music, humor, and who would have guessed that Dave Grohl can actually act? Now I won’t go “one of the best films of 2022” but this was a lot of fun and a pleasant surprise for horror movie fans as I give it 3 stars.

Feeders 3 (DVD) – Mark Polonia dips into the Polonia Brothers archive to make the ‘Feeders’ franchise a trilogy. These two Indy cult films were from the mid to late 90s starring the brothers and Jon McBride and have garnished some fanfare from Indy collectors as some of the most fun films you could see? Well, 25 years later and the aliens have returned to harvest humans as the usual Polonia cast all make an appearance including “a photo and footage from the past two films of Jon McBride” (that was a nice touch). A F.B.I. agent is visiting Wellsboro, Pa. as it is the anniversary and been 25 years since the “Wellsboro 10” with the case never being solved. He is investigating the lone survivor Derek who is still hanging out in an asylum following the event many years ago but still trying to warn all the people Wellsboro aliens are coming to harvest them! To give the film some filler and humor is the filmmaker making a cheap film on the “Wellsboro 10” but that doesn’t even matter because the highlight might be the aliens setting a trap for Santa Claus… Cheesy and stupid but it made me laugh my ass off as I give this third entry into the “Feeders” franchise 2 ½ stars.

Dominion (DVD) – I am always a sucker for late 80s to mid-90s direct-to-video stuff. Especially when it stars Tim Thomerson and Brion James! Anyway a group of hunters head for a super special secluded hunting/camping grounds that is run by Lynnwood Adventures. But after an accident last year the owner Lynnwood hasn’t been seen or heard from much leaving his partner in charge. So when Harris and his group are being shot at by a sniper on a bridge in the mountains its Lynnwood who wants revenge on all hunters for accidentally killing his kid. Not the best of action flicks but I am a sucker for stuff like this every time and I give it 2 stars.

Bloody Pit of Horror (DVD) – A fun oddball flick from the 60s where the legend of The Crimson Executioner is still haunting a castle over 300 years later. He was entombed into his own device the ‘Iron Maiden’ (insert Bill and Ted joke here) to never be opened. But the tomb is accidentally opened when a group of people who break into the castle to take risky photographs using the castle as the backdrop. Soon people are being murdered and could it be the Crimson Executioner is back? Or is it the retired strong man who has lost his marbles living there? Anyway the whole time I kept waiting for Santo or Batman to show up. Looking for pointless fun then make this your first stop as this film caused me to laugh quite a few times as I give it 2 ½ stars.

New Year’s Evil (Blu-ray) – I will admit I have only watched this film twice in my life this being the third and very late to the party of seeing this early holiday slasher. Hell, this one gets forgotten often when horror fans talk slashers? Anyhow third time was a charm because this updated Blu-ray from Kino Lorber is ridiculously awesome! There were literally whole scenes I had never understood because of how crappy the quality was on the other versions I watched.  But anyhow TV host is counting down the ‘New Wave’ music each hour until the ball drops but there is a killer on the loose named “Evil” who is killing a person for each time zone. Can he be stopped in time before he kills Blaze? It has its moments but nowhere as good as some of the other holiday titles but this Blu-ray is a definite for the hardcore collectors out there as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Dash Cam (On Demand) – If you took the recent film ‘Spree’ and the found footage film ‘Area 51’ jammed them together and make sure the lead character is a despicable American you will hate in the first five minutes of the film that is your film here? Anyhow Annie doesn’t believe in the pandemic and flies to the UK to fuck with her friend who is living a different life during the pandemic. Annie like most young people has a live stream show called “Band Car” where she is constantly rapping or just recording everything she does. Annie is having a good old time being a complete asshole until she meets Angela and her weirdness and still finds a way to be an asshole and a classic example why many people believe humanity should just end since we all have no common sense any longer? For the most part this film wasn’t made for me and I think making the Annie character such an asshole along with the scrolling on the side of the screen takes away from any momentum you are trying to scare people with the Angela character. I give this quickly forgotten film 1 star.

Art House Massacre (DVD) – This 2012 film is hidden in plain sight called ‘Art of Darkness’ but its original title is so much better and makes so much more sense. Besides three minutes in we have a great eye gouge scene there is an artist who works with flesh let’s say. Liz is a model who has taken a break because she and the boyfriend try to have a baby I believe and they lost it. She takes a modeling gig begrudging but knows they need the money. She meets the artist/serial killer and is kidnapped for far more demented reasons. Ben the boyfriend pursues looking for her with no answers and the cops being to slow but both parties find out much more unsettling truths about the artist once they start digging hoping for a clue to find Liz. This was a nice surprise as the usual ‘massacre’ crap is crap where this was a nice sadistic serial killer film that I give 2 ½ stars.

Nightmare Beach (Blu-ray) – Great cast, its 1988, Umberto Lenzi is connected to this project, it stars John Saxon and Michael Parks, I felt like I was in for a cheeseball treat! A notorious biker Diablo is executed right before spring break in South Florida for a murder he did not commit. But justice was done to make the mayor happy until it isn’t long before Diablo’s grave is disturbed and a mysterious biker is roaming the streets for rando spring breakers to execute them. This movie doesn’t disappoint with the 80s cheese as the whole thing comes down to a cover up by John Saxon’s cop character and the mayor. I had a lot fun watching this for the first time and looks absolutely wonderful, again thank you Kino Lorber as I give it 3 stars.

Frankenstein 1970 (DVD) – No where the best of the Boris Karloff films but Karloff plays the Baron Frankenstein who is concerned about his legacy? Being broke and needing money for equipment he allows a film crew into his castle and begins to even interact with the filming while he is busy with his toilet paper Frankenstein in his secret lair! It does drag a good bit but when Boris is on screen this late 50s flick is must see just to enjoy Karloff just because as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Jurassic Thunder (DVD) – This 2019 film tries to be funny but fails miserably as a comic book store owner opens a one of a kind comic to read the tale of zombies, dinosaurs, and the military trying to stop WWIII from happening. A dictator in Africa has unleashed something horrible on the world and the U.S. and Russia don’t want to use nukes so let’s use commando dinosaurs. Sounds like it could be a lot of fun but instead is a lot of jokes falling flat and bad CGI that makes Asylum look like they make “JAWS” every time out as I give this turd 0 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #565

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Gross Movie Reviews #565

Amityville: The Final Chapter (DVD) – Just like ‘Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter’ this franchise lied to us big time and try to hide it by marketing this film under a different title ‘Sickle’. Over the years the title has been changed back and forth but it is entry #36 so what were you expecting? Anyway kids, this story has a 27 year old known as “The Babysitter Killer” getting released from prison after 15 years. Michael a kid at the time claimed he was visited by a creature in a top hat that made him kill his babysitter when he was 12. Now adult, some ghost hunters cross paths with the newly released man and believe it is a great idea to take Michael back to the house where it all happened? Of course this causes the demonic force known as “Sickle” to reappear and ruin everyone’s day or night… its fucking ghost hunting does it matter at this point? This hot piece of garbage is high on the Amityville list of almost unwatchable as I give this entry 0 stars enjoy kids.

The Monster of Piedras Blancas (DVD) – Say that title five times fast, anyway before I review this: quick question: is the lighthouse location in this 1959 film the same as the one in “John Carpenter’s The Fog”? Back to your regularly scheduled review, two brothers are found dead near the lighthouse after going night fishing the night before. The deaths look suspicious and of course there is a small town legend of a monster that has lived along the rocks of the ocean. The old man who lives next to the lighthouse knows the truth and has fed the monster meat scraps from the town market for some time now. But the monster hungers more as it enjoys ripping human heads off and sucking the blood out of their neck. Can the monster be stopped? Is there more than one in the caves off this coastal town? A fun drive-in flick that I am surprised I never got the chance to see on Chilly Billy or something when growing up as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Alligator (Blu-ray) – You all have seen or heard of this movie by now where a baby alligator is thrown the toilet and years later its living in the sewers feeding on dead animals and such. Now it’s up to Robert Forster to get people to believe him a giant alligator is gonna eat everybody in the city. The 1980 film is cheesy fun but now finally has gotten the special Blu-ray treatment it has deserved for a long time. We get a new 4K scan of the original negative for not only the theatrical but the TV version of the movie and it looks just amazing as when the alligator coming up through the sidewalk looks hilariously cheesy. I mean honestly for years most of the film was grainy and hid the glorious scene well. We get tons of interviews, commentaries, lots of fun stuff in this 3-disc version you never knew you needed until it existed as I give it 4 stars.

Alligator II: The Mutation (Blu-ray) – Almost a decade later we get a fun cheeseball sequel with no Robert Forster but an all-star cast that makes this sequel much more interesting than it ever should have been? This time around a baby alligator is fed a steady diet of hormones and other chemicals from the Future Chemicals Corporation and we get another giant alligator that is going to attack a city festival where Steve Railsback plays an asshole trying to buy up everyone’s property. Richard Lynch and Kane Hodder steal the show as “gator hunters”. This sequel is dislike by some horror fans, for me it has always a weird fun appeal to me and makes all the right sense in the world to pick this new version up as it also has some fun interviews that make the film worth the watch all over again as I give it 3 ½ stars. Which by the way did you know this film was made for TV not the theater or direct-to-video, weird stuff?

Aquaslash (DVD) – A Canadian horror/comedy where some high school graduates are partying at a waterpark for the weekend. Of course most of the movie has a lot of graduates making out and getting told a story of a killer who murdered a bunch of people at the park in the 80s. The movie for its short running time takes a while to set up things but there is a huge gory payoff as a mysterious killer rigs up something in one of the water slides! The horror movie isn’t horrible but feels like there isn’t much rewatchablity to it as I give this horror feature 2 stars.

The Mask (Blu-ray) – A wild 1961 film has Dr. Allan Barnes trying to help a patient named Michael from going completely insane. Up until recently Michael was well respected and working at the local museum but has become consumed with a tribal/ritual mask of sorts that has Michael believing he is now cursed. After Michael’s last appointment he rushes out of the office to go home to commit suicide but before he does he mails the mask to the good doctor challenging him to see the nightmares. Dr. Barnes curious about the mask puts it for research in what driven a person to the brink and becomes consumed with the death and weird ritual things that happen when putting the mask on. Barnes quickly becomes obsessed with the mask and even convinces his mentor to help him with the experiment of learning what makes this mask unique? A fun bizarre version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that can be seen in 2-D and 3-D with “Electro-magic sound” in this new restored version. The package also includes a short documentary and other short films that make this a must have for old school film fans as I give it 3 stars.

Killer Party (Blu-ray) – Now that we have fought through the Warner Brother DVD-R Archive crap that went on with this 80s slasher film we meaning a small but crazy fan base get a special edition version of ‘Killer Party’. A horror film from 1986 that is considered second tier slasher to some horror fans but one of my favorites growing up is all about three girls just trying to pledge to a sorority that is interrupted by a demonic presence. This pure 80s horror flick has a lot of fun new interviews that makes us physical media nerds jump for joy to have as I give it 3 stars.

Special Effects (VHS) – After Andrea and her husband Keefe have a fight about going back to Oklahoma, Andrea runs out on her man. Backstory, Andrea left him after having her baby and decided to chase a career in acting, modeling, etc., in New York City. While on the run and picking up a newspaper she finds herself on the doorstep of a famous filmmaker named Neville. Neville has just bombed out of Hollywood and lets in Andrea on whim. One thing leads to another and Neville is murdering her on his bed while filming it. Chris Neville cleans it all up and dumps the body so the husband is blamed. The husband breaks out police custody to visit Neville and this inspires the filmmaker to make a low budget film about realtime murder he committed! Neville gets so involved with the project he bails out the husband, makes the one police officer a technical adviser, and believes this is his way back to Hollywood as everything has to look a certain way as Neville relives the fantasy murder. For me this was a very bizarre Larry Cohen film to watch but glad as hell I did as I give it 3 stars.

Thriller: A Cruel Picture (Blu-ray) – The 1973 film is also widely known as “They Call Her One Eye” and has been inspiration for many filmmakers the past few decades but can’t be duplicated. A woman (Christina Lindberg) who is raped as a young girl is now grown but mute and goes into town quite often for doctor’s appointments. Innocent and naïve she gets in a car when she misses a bus into town and wakes up beaten up, hooked on heroin, and told she will now be a hooker! Not happy with this she takes it out on her first customer and in return she loses an eye and weirdly enough apparently it costs more money to bang a one eyed hooker. Soon she saves her money learns how to race a car, shoot guns, and fight. And that is when this movie just gets downright brutal as hell as she begins gut shooting customers left and right in slow motion with a double barrel shotgun. The movie is absolutely amazing, fucked up, brutal, and not for all movie lovers at the same time. I can see why this film has such rabid fan base especially when your female lead doesn’t say a damn word through the whole film! Thanks to Synapse Films this brutal film or package is going to make physical media fans drool like crazy as they have included an uncut and uncensored HD version with several subtitle and soundtrack options, rare photos and outtakes, alternate fight scene, and rare photos of a fight scene that was ruined by a film lab. If you only have seen the ‘They Call Her One Eye’ version you better be prepared for some of the graphic material in this restored film as his will not be for all audiences. Hell the movie was never made for all audiences but I am sure this package will make a lot of “Best of” lists at the end of the year as I give this 4 out of 4 stars. www.synapse-films.com

The Dungeonmaster (DVD) – Its 1984 and Paul is the IT guy who knows how to fix all computer problems as he is hooked up to his computer “CAL”. One night after a fight with his girlfriend Gwen, Paul and Gwen get sucked into purgatory or hell for Paul to conquer seven challenges in fantasy land in order for the couple to live and go back home. David Allen, John Carl Buechler, Charles Band, and Richard Moll as Satan, evil wizard, whatever you wanna call him… I will always be in to watch this crazy mess! Another fun Empire Pictures project that is just fun to pop in every five years or so and makes a little sense if double feature it with ‘Metalstorm’ that I give 3 stars.

They See You (Blu-ray) – Our story begins with three teenage boys heading into town to check out a unique/oddities shop. There is a spirit board with what looks like Halloween symbols on it that catches their attention but they are told that it isn’t for sale. Mainly the spirit board is not for sale because it’s cursed but this only intrigue the boys as with help from a couple girls they know from school they steal it along with an old book. They all head out the woods to have some fun with it, they all touch the spirit board, say some words from the old book, and it activates. Unleashing a gang of demons, undead creatures on Halloween that just don’t want to consume them but take control of the spirit board and book to stay in this world. Think of a slick independent gory film with a ‘Witchboard’ and ‘Beyond the Gates’ vibe to it. The movie has its flaws but overall Tory Jones and Jonestown Films put together a solid horror film well worth a watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Robo C.H.I.C. (VHS) – First let’s get the alternate titles out of the way: aka Cyber-C.H.I.C. aka Robochic aka Thunder Tronic starring Burt Ward! Anyhow, a wacky doctor puts together a crime fighting fembot (remember kids its 1990). Along the way when the fembot isn’t training we have a mad bomber who is trying to keep the city hostage as he plants bombs everywhere. It is up to the futuristic fembot to find the people who kidnap the mad bomber and stop the bombs from going off in this supposedly intentionally funny film but fails. This movie is a part of a sub-genre that seem to show on “Up All Night” with Rhonda Shear between 1987-1992 or what you could call: The Killer Tomato sequel years? Anyhow give this terrible garbage 0 stars.

Kill-Cam (Blu-ray) – Chris Woods and The Sleaze Box crew reach deep into the sleaze void to pull out a story of Samantha Styles. Ms. Styles (Katie Mckinley) is obsessed with a model Pamela Keaton that makes her drool and want to meet her but Samantha also just happens to be a sex-crazed serial killer with a super shitty past! This slow burn into the dark void of Samantha has her getting advice from a doll, stalking her ex hookup, enjoying her murderous desires until see can come up with a way to meet her obsession. Folks you are in for a rough one here as this is not for the faint of heart but I believe this will find an audience craving more with Katie McKinley’s performance as a sick and horny serial killer. As I say with projects like this: “this isn’t my cup of tea” but I can easily see this project being talked about among independent film fans for the next several years because of its content as I give the film 2 ½ stars just for Katie Mckinley performance standing out in this feature.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #534

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Gross Movie Reviews #534

Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator (DVD) – This 1989 spoof comedy of sorts lies to you because we never get to see Stephanie thrown into the incinerator! This is more of a tale of ridiculousness as some rich friends get bored every year and do a bad reenactment of ‘Clue’. If there wasn’t much cooler flicks out there from the late 70s and early 80s that already did this better this film would be more of the worthwhile search but in the end I can only give it 1 ½ stars.

Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart (DVD) – Our sequel starts with possibly the lamest opening of a film ever that has a young couple Pete and Nora out in the woods alone and the actress playing Nora sounds completely monotone when she is in distress. But moving on it has been three years since William the lawyer has used his warlock powers and now just works insurance cases. But when Nora goes missing and Pete is the only one being accused, Pete’s sister needs help so she comes to see William. Once they meet and William agrees to help this sets the tone for the rest of the movie as it plays out like a cheesy film noir with a three minute stripper scene that stars Julie Strain! Even though the film feels cheesy throughout it had a good flow, Julie Strain, a weird backstory for Strain’s character that keeps William interested in trying to help, for that I got to give it 2 stars.

Witchcraft V: Dance With the Devil (DVD) – This might be where the series starts to derail as the only thing left from the first four films story wise is the William character now played by a different actor. So “Bootleg” Ronnie James Dio comes to town and takes over a shady ass club and uses it to take souls. If Mr. Bootleg collects enough he can bring Satan into this world or just have an excuse to have even more naked people than this sequel. This sequel also begins the soft-core porn stuff literally as people seem to be having sex about every 8 to 10 minutes throughout. I’m not complaining but wanted to point out and give credit to the writers and director that were sure to have concerned girlfriend character Kelly care what her reverend thought of her boyfriend. She thought something wrong is going on with him so she turns to the man of the cloth she knows but hey never mind Kelly and the boyfriend have been living in sin the whole time! This is where we can see what these movies were being made for and it wasn’t exactly aimed at the horror fans as I give this 1 star.

Witchcraft VI: The Devil’s Mistress (DVD) – Oh in this 1994 sequel we meet a hunk named Jonathon that enjoys picking up young attractive women and dropping them off dead all over the city for detectives to find and be baffled by the motive. After a couple victims and the press calling it a “serial killer killing spree” a connection to a body in San Francisco is made in the now the detectives highly believe the possibility of the supernatural being involved. The coppers track down William because of his knowledge of the occult and ask for help. They bring in William in this hilarious scene where the detectives’ interview: fortune tellers, psychics, and other crazies that just mark the beginning of the downward spiral of William into witchcraft that he never wanted to begin with. Again this film goes out of its way to be filled with soft-core porn scenes (lots of big boobs, no dongs, but there is a tight dude butt!) I cannot confirm this but I thought I seen this sequel being sold in the famous “Adam & Eve” catalog at one point? You know kids that thing before the internet? Anyway lots of people banging not many people dying as I give it a ½ star… Next time throw a naked dong in to complete the trifecta?

The Mutilator (Blu-ray) – It was time to revisit this low budget slasher film from the early 80s as I didn’t get to see it then and only learned about it in the late 90s, early 2000s when it was being found on the bootleg market. Arrow Video recently corrected this problem putting together a 2-disc “must-have” edition for any horror fan. I myself remembered liking it the first time around but it was some crappy quality. Anyway, most of the gore takes place late in the movie but is well worth the watch if you are a gorehound. A father seeks revenge on his son Ed years later after his son accidentally shoots and kills his mother with a loaded rifle. Our tale goes forward when Ed gets a call from his father to go close down his beach condo during ‘Fall Break’ (which also was the original title). Ed and his friends decide to take advantage of this and go to party before they close it up for the winter but Ed’s father has other plans. Arrow Video not only restored the original unrated version of the film cleaned it up so much it was like watching this movie again for the first time. This of course means we get to see the famous giant fish hook with the girl parts for a wonderful death scene! But Arrow Video didn’t stop there as they loaded it up with a couple funny commentaries, a feature-length documentary (which was eye-opening on the background of this film), original music, and alternate opening titles that played with the movie before anyone knew about it. It does not happen often but I think I like this film more now than then because of this 2-disc Blu-ray from Arrow as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Running Time (Blu-ray) – Leave it to Josh Becker to come up with a cool idea for a film starring Bruce Campbell that doesn’t get seen and appreciated by many fans as it deserves. It’s a black and white project from 1996/1997 where it was shot and edited into one continuous shot by Becker that is a crime drama with a small cast. Bruce Campbell is Carl who is literally just released from prison and after getting his freak on with a girl he had crush on in high school is ready for a heist… that involves the prison he was released from! Once Carl’s best friend and Carl begin their journey into the heist what can go wrong, goes wrong quickly: flat tire, wrong safe, unknown strung-out getaway driver, people dying of heart attacks, a friend’s watch stolen, and Carl getting shot during this mess of chaos. Carl forever optimistic, money or no money must pick between his best friend or start all over with a girl he had a crush on. A super well-balanced, entertaining flick that should satisfy any bitter film junkie out there that doesn’t believe anything good is being released for the public to view. If anything this project further cements that Josh Becker can make something out of nothing no matter what genre it is. The Blu-ray is packed by Synapse Films with fun tidbits such as a fun commentary from Josh Becker and Bruce Campbell, film footage of a Q&A at a film festival the film was a part of, plus a great interview with Mr. Campbell giving the backstory on this project and comparing it to much bigger films. I have a feeling Synapse Films has a quick seller on their hands as I give this Blu-ray 3 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Infra-man (DVD) – This 1975 project is also known as ‘The Super Infra-man’ for no other reason that I can think of but we do have a weird alien princess and a bionic superhero if you were not aware of this title. Alien princess is pissed off, causes a crap load of disasters, and threatens to enslave all the humans. To fight the alien princess a professor has invented a formula that can turn a man into a bionic superhero that is indestructible and rid the earth of this life-threatening menace. This Hong Kong film clearly has to be the beginning of ‘Power Rangers’ and people cosplaying because there is just a bunch of weird monsters running around the movie fake fighting. Good, bad, whatever you think I give it 2 stars as this just didn’t flip my switch.

Walking the Edge (DVD) – A title under the Empire Pictures umbrella that you would never expect from them that stars Robert Forester, Joe Spinell, and Nancy Kwan. A gritty revenge flick that starts off with a quick bang as Spinell and his cronies visit Kwan’s home looking for her husband. He shows up and things go bad quick as Spinell shoots the kid and father as Kwan runs off. Now with Kwan on the loose Spinell has some loose ends to tie up. Meanwhile Forester plays a cabbie that runs numbers for the mob and sometimes has a nice streak that doesn’t serve him well in the business he is in. Kwan and Forester cross paths after Kwan collects herself and uses the cab to take her places and gun down the people involved killing her family. A gritty thriller I never heard of until recently that was an excellent watch as I give it 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #514

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Gross Movie Reviews #514

 

Naked Cannibal Campers (Blu-ray) – The latest from one of the hardest working independent filmmakers, Sean Donohue who is based out of Florida. Three young guys go out for the usual “let’s get drunk and fishing weekend” and just happen to have a cabin near three young ladies. But these ladies are not just your average hotties, they just so happen to be witches who are looking for dinner which is usually human. Meanwhile a weird one-eyed warlock stalks the woods trying to save potential victims but stumbles upon a young man whose girlfriend was the latest to fall under the witches’ spell. The warlock trains the young man to use his new found power to help defeat the beautiful cannibal witches as the witches feast on the three young men. Boobs, buckets of blood and a hilarious cannibal plotline make for an entertaining feature from Mr. Donohue as he has a formula for his projects and it works as I give this project 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Santo in the Revenge of La Llorona (DVD) – A professor asks Santo for his assistance in retrieving a necklace from a mummy that happens to have a map enclosed that will show the way to a treasure. Which of course the professor claims he will donate the treasure to museums and children’s hospitals in Mexico. But doing this expedition they must face off with the spirit of La Llorona who is protecting the necklace. This Santo feature didn’t seem to be as much fun as some of the others I have watched recently so I only give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Wicked World (DVD) – Barry J. Gillis best known for his various roles in and on 1989s ‘Things’ took a stab at directing this Indy Canadian feature. We are introduced to an insane serial killer who was sent over the edge after the suicide of his three daughters. He narrates his murders he has committed from his wheelchair in an asylum. Harold was only caught when he killed off a cop’s ex-girlfriend. Harold uses bats, guns, whatever he can use to terrorize the residents of Toronto. Barry’s film is literally a mess of a film that while researching ‘Wicked World’ found Barry being quoted that “he wished the film would have stayed buried” it that bad. I really believe even the die-hard Indy supporters will find it hard to watch as I give it a ½ star.

Six Days in Roswell (Blu-ray) – The same crew that was behind the cult hit ‘Trekkies’ quickly took its next aim at making a documentary about the alien capital of the world: Roswell, New Mexico. In 1997, the 50th anniversary of the famous alien crash landing the crew follows a man named Rich from Minnesota who is living a lifelong dream of visiting Roswell. Rich’s goal is to gather information from all the people visiting there during the great celebration and see how he can get abducted by aliens. So Rich decides to use this dream for research how he can make it easier for him to be abducted. Rich takes in and interviews: alien experts, live debates about aliens, bands that just sing songs about aliens, costume contests, conventions, everything about the alien abduction culture. There is no faking the reactions and answers he gets when interviewing people about aliens. It is a wonderful look into how serious humans do take this interesting subject. Bonus to the documentary is the commentary by the director, producer, and star Rich explaining more behind the idea of doing the project but also giving you more info about some of the characters Rich talked to that didn’t make the cut. If you are even at all interested in aliens this upgrade for the 2001 documentary is an absolute treat to watch as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Suckers (Blu-ray) – A bigger budgeted project for filmmaker Roger Nygard after gaining some critical success with two documentaries that turn some heads. The film newly transferred to Blu-ray is about a man named Bobby who is in some major debt with some shady guys who really would like their money with interest immediately. Bobby not really excited about taking a job as a car salesman but only after his wife played by Lori Loughlin threatens to leave and meets Reggie. Reggie is the guy who trains all the salesmen and pushes them to sell every car for outrageous amounts of money by any means they can. Reggie wants to screw over the customer as much as possible. What feels like another version of “Used Cars” quickly turns into something else in the last quarter of the film when a $10,000 bonus is introduced for whoever sells the most cars in a month, drug dealers, a disgruntled employee, and the shady guys that force Bobby to rob his new place of employment or die? The Reggie character will feel way too over the top at times but in the long run of the film there is a point to him and how it all ties in nicely with an action-packed ending. The Blu-ray comes with a new transfer of the film, deleted scenes, raw takes, a trailer, and commentary of course. Without the recent disaster Lori Loughlin and family caused in Hollywood with famous kids going to college this film most likely gets looked over? But hey enjoy this diamond in the rough dark comedy as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #489

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Gross Movie Reviews #489

 

Crawl (DVD) – A Category 5 hurricane is roaring through Florida and Haley is asked by her older sister to go check in on their father. He isn’t picking up the phone and the storm is getting worse. Even after everyone has been evacuated Haley chooses to risk her life to drive to their old house where she finds her father’s truck but he isn’t responding when she enters the house. Haley investigates further and heads into the crawlspace under the house where she finds her father out cold and injured. When Haley’s father comes too he warns her about the gators which Haley figures out quickly. As the water rise with the storm the more the gators become feisty! If the storm doesn’t kill them the gators from the gator farm will as they are feasting on anyone nearby. Wonderful gator effects! This has to be one of the best killer animal flicks since the old school “Alligator” as I give this 4 stars and for sure will be on my ‘Best of 2019’ list.

 

Trick (On Demand) – The movie opens in Benton, New York on Halloween 2015. A young man goes completely nutzoid during a harmless high school Halloween party and is stopped by one of his classmates. Patrick Weaver or Trick the kids’ call him is taken into custody at the hospital but refuses to answer any questions. Soon as he is left alone with an officer in Omar Epps he escapes only to be shot three times, fall several stories off of a building and disappear. A year passes with no real concrete answers and it happens all over again in a different small nearby town. Then again in 2017 and then again in 2018 and by now Trick has gone viral where teenagers are copying the urban legend wanting to be true and keep it alive. Meanwhile officer Denver has retired because no one believes his theory of the same person is doing this. Things get real interesting with the climax of the film as the real reason these murders keep happening on Halloween every year. A cool Halloween slasher flick that doesn’t use the usual formula to get you sucked in as I give it 3 stars.

 

US (DVD) – Jordan Peele is back to trying scare the pee pee out of everyone with this smart horror film that will having you think after the last 30 seconds of film. It is 1986 and a little girl gets lost off the boardwalk and finds a mirror maze to enter. Something completely weird happens and stays with her all her life. Present day and now with a family that little girl now an adult heads to the same beach and boardwalk for a vacation. One night the family’s parallel universe dark doppelgangers pay the family a visit and it is a fight to the death for who will survive in this world. A really fun 70s weirdness vibe to this that will make the horror film very rewatchable for years to come as you will be looking for different things every time. I give this wonderfully uncomfortable horror flick 3 stars and thank Mr. Peele for giving us horror fans something to talk about.

 

Ever After (Shudder) – I know there is a lot of weirdoes like me out there in the horror community especially people who like watching just zombie flicks. Well, do not let this one pass you by as this newer German zombie film is about two cities that have survived the zombie apocalypse a couple years later. Two women decide to sneak out on a supply train that goes between the cities for totally different reasons but both want out. They rely on each other to keep watch and keep each other company as they must set forth on foot after the train dies out. And the recovery team has been eaten by zombies. The zombie film doesn’t exactly play by the usual movie zombie rules with running zombies and possibly one character talking to God or Mother Nature? It depends how you look at it… Well worth the watch for being a different twist in a bloated zombie genre as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Wax Mask (DVD) – I thought it was time to revisit this weird supposedly big Italian mess because Fulci got sick and eventually died during production. Set in the early 1900s a new wax museum has opened up and people have begun to go missing and presumed murdered. Boris the owner of the new attraction as a tendency grabs living or mostly dead humans and makes them into an exhibit with his weird machine. It is a pretty straight forward horror film exception Boris is like a vampire and can live forever and the machine is never fully explained. It’s more of Boris has unlocked some weird art thing of making his art more lifelike as I give this movie 2 stars.

 

Disco Exorcist (DVD) – If you like lots of flapping dongs, flapping melons, sex, and it mixed with satanic rituals then this is the flick for you kids. Rex is an oversexed male who cannot get enough women. But in the end he is just looking for that one woman to satisfy him. He meets Rita one night at disco and after a night of bumping uglies they both think it may be the right thing to be together. But soon after Rex meets one of his favorite porn actresses Amoreena Jones and quickly become friendly under the disco ball. Rita not having it curses Amoreena and Rex. Any women that are with Rex will become flesh eating demons! Rex believing Amoreena is the one he sticks with her if she is a demon or not so he can put an end to Rita’s evil ways. A hilarious horror film if that is what you want to call it but honestly if you need to raise your movie sex quota along with bad joke quota this fits it as I give the hilarious flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Child’s Play (DVD/remake) – So this flick took me by total surprise just because out of the horror franchises this one may have be the least yelling for a remake. Especially when the past two sequels which were made recently and most likely reinvented the series for the long haul? So I put aside anything I knew about the series and gave this a chance. The ‘Buddi’ dolls are made in Vietnam where a disgruntled employee fucks with the protocols and program inside a doll and then commits suicide. The Buddi doll does just about everything like the ‘Alexa’ which we will get back too. At first Andy wants nothing to do with the doll because he is getting too old but soon sees the benefit of Chucky because he is the only friend he has. But because of the wonderful horror film “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” Chucky believes it would be funny to kill Andy’s friends. After this attempted Andy and friends try to destroy Chucky. But of course it is never that easy as Chucky gets an Iron Man upgrade and tries to take over a whole toy store just to kill Andy and anyone else there. Now… why the movie isn’t called “Alexa Will Kill You” I am not sure? It was like the movie was made to warn us about ‘Skynet’ sorry, I mean Amazon aka Alexa but anyhow if this isn’t called “Child’s Play” I am cool. The movie has some cool kills, I laughed my ass off about TCM 2, and Mark Hamill did a good job (still not Brad Dourif) voicing Chucky but why couldn’t this been called something else and yinz go remake “Hellraiser”? Or maybe some other horror franchise that hadn’t reinvented itself without a remake recently? Just pointing it out as I give the film 2 stars. It’s not bad just go make “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 5” with Jeff Burr and we will call it even.

Undertaker (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has taken the time to give this independent zombie film from Japan the Blu-ray treatment. But this isn’t your typical zombie film as the usual case when we get to see horror films from overseas. Filmmaker Naoyoshi Kawamatsu goes for something a little more dramatic but cool as it begins with a young boy named Ryouichi. Ry survives an accident during an evacuation of his building at the beginning of the zombie infection. Years pass and now the young boy is an adult and known to the people as an assistant to the Undertaker. Ry is hired by a family to go look for their daughter, cut off her head, and bring it back. This is so families know their loved ones are at rest and this family is ready to move but first they want to bury their daughter. So Ry goes into the post-apocalyptic major city, Japan, only to struggle with what life was like. A very smart and dramatic touch to the independent zombie genre as I give the “Undertaker” 3 out of 4 stars. The Blu-ray extras include deleted scenes, a making-of, and a short film called “On Your Back”. Zombie fans will want to have this as part of their collection. You can find the film at www.synapse-films.com .

Watch Me When I Kill (Blu-ray) – A late 70s giallo from director Antonio Bido, where a young woman walks into a pharmacy only to witness a man murdered. Some giallo fans may also know the film as “The Cat’s Victims” as that is the title in this new transfer of the film. Mara is now being stalked throughout the film and people are dying left and right. Mara’s boyfriend takes up the cause to track this person down and put a stop to it as the police are nowhere to be found. The film does have it usually intense scenes and tries to keep the killer a mystery until the end but I believe giallo buffs will more excited by all the extras that come with this 4K remastered film. The package sports the new transfer which looks beautiful by the way, a commentary, interviews, three short films from Antonio Bido, and what giallo fans will most likely wet their pants for a bonus CD soundtrack of the film score. The movie is your usual Italian giallo but all the extras in this package make a lot more than that and I am thankful for Synapse for that as I give the package 3 out of 4 stars and great work as usual. You can find the package at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

 

It will be here before you know it: Grossfest 3: Season of the Gross, July 25-26th, 2020. Check out www.grossfest.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #479

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Gross Movie Reviews #479

 

Fist of the Northstar (DVD) – Gary Daniels stars in this movie adaption a very popular comic in 1995 where he is a warrior in a post-apocalyptic landscape that must restore balance to the world. He is a warrior named Kenshirô who has been forgotten and believed dead until he resurfaces years later on a new path to fight Lord Shin who has kept the world in chaos. Has some Hollywood names and Gary Daniels did fine but the film has not aged well since its cable television premiere. Does it deserve a reboot? Possible but most likely get the same response when it first was released which wasn’t much here in the states as I give it 2 stars.

 

Escape Plan 3: Extractors (On Demand) – Stallone, Batista, and 50 Cent are at it one more time as a former associate’s son seeks revenge by kidnapping Stallone’s girlfriend and taking her to a hideous Russian prison. Not ground breaking but entertaining action sequel that keeps your interest enough to finish it and whet your appetite for the new Rambo film coming as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll (DVD) – This Hammer film takes a little different take on the story as Dr. Jekyll is a scientist who is married to his work. Constantly experimenting he believes he may have found something that could revolutionize the world. In past versions of this story Jekyll turns into a horrible looking Mr. Hyde. Where in this version is the complete opposite where Jekyll turns into a handsome Mr. Hyde who spies on his wife banging Christopher Lee and flaunting it all around town while he works day and night. For Mr. Hyde it is not enough he wants to relish all the sins of the night life until it’s too late and he tries to fake his death. Not the best Hammer flick definitely worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Fisted! (DVD) – It is that time of the year again where friends head to the woods to have fun. But that comes to a screaming halt as giant ants eat porn stars doing their thing and a dude named Jerklin Boy destroys his victims with his ‘Fist’! When this killer uses his fist on his victims their heads explode. The Jerklin Boy looks like a generic Leatherface which only adds to the hilarious kill scenes in this Tom Martino feature. If that wasn’t enough Joe Garcia makes sure you will never look at a potato the same again. I laughed my ass at least a dozen times watching this as Mr. Martino has his own unique style of storytelling and makes his own movie rules up. “Fisted!” is entertaining as hell but not for the humans that have no humor in their lives as I give this feature 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.DWNProductions.net .

 

Eyes of Fire (DVD) – In 1750 a couple kids wandering the woods along the river bank are picked up and tell a French soldier a tale of why they left a haunted forest. Story begins with a priest who has stolen another man’s wife and has convinced a few villagers to steal a ferry, food, and begin a new adventure. An adventure of them floating down the river and finding land they can call their own and live the way they want to live. They want to find what they consider the promise land. After having a run-in with some Indians they go deeper into the woods where the natives believe the woods are haunted by evil spirits. The group finds a burned, wrecked cabin that they decide to settle and rebuild. But weird things almost immediately begin to happen to the group and the priest relies a lot on a young woman known as Leah who is a witch. Odd film for 1983 but just interesting enough I was glad to track this one down and check it out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Toy Box (DVD) – I always enjoy a completely off the wall idea that involves horror movies. The weirder or combining characters the better until I came across and watched this film that stars Denise Richards, Mischa Barton, and a bootleg Michael Caine. Bootleg Michael Caine wants to take a trip in a used RV with his family after his wife’s death. What bootleg Michael Caine doesn’t know is it is haunted by the spirit of a serial killer. The serial killer many years ago used the RV as his traveling killing zone. This movie was super lame and poorly executed. Thus proving maybe not all completely crazy horror movie ideas should be made as I give it a ½ star.

 

Boarding School (DVD) – A surprisingly different horror film that does a slow and interesting burn about a boy about to be a teenager whose grandmother has died. Quickly the boy Jacob becomes obsessed with his grandmother he never knew. This leads to the parents finding him in his grandmother’s dress and BOOM! Off to boarding school. But not just any boarding school? A very elite boarding school where a teacher played by Will Patton takes his job serious and has a strict way of kids being schooled. What seems like a horror film that is going to play with the gender bending rules goes into a very mysterious direction as the class is filled out with kids that maybe different and have a handicap. This slowly blossoms into a wonderful horror film as kids begin to show dead almost on a nightly basis. This film has some cool sick shit going down and I like it as kids die and the film keeps you guessing of what will the characters do next as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Django the Bastard (Blu-ray) – I have always enjoyed the Clint Eastwood westerns and only recently have scratched the surface of all the other spaghetti westerns from the past. This was a first time watch and a wonderful one at that as I did see the similarities in this 1969 film that Eastwood did later. The film is also known as “The Strangers Gundown” is about a mysterious man named Django who was believed to be dead many years before. He walks right in town, places a cross in the dirt with the man’s name and date of death. This is just bad ass! Through flashbacks of the Civil War we come to learn Django and his fellow troops were abandoned by their leaders and he has been searching for the three for years. Anthony Steffen has the stare down as he just shows up in town and takes on a whole gang of gunslingers wanting the last man he is looking for. This western actually separates itself from many of this time as it almost has horror movie kinda feel with how it is shot. This maybe my first watch but it will be watch many times more in the future as I absolutely enjoyed the colors and the horror overtone of revenge by Django. The Blu-ray looks beautiful and the commentary by the historian is very interesting if you are a fan of the spaghetti westerns as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Of course you can find this at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Critters Attack! (DVD) – Another poor attempt of getting this franchise off the ground again but at least nowhere annoying as “Critters: A New Binge”. A young lady Drea who is stuck living with her uncle and having trouble getting into the college her mother went too takes on a babysitting job that may help. Soon Drea and her brother get caught up with a Critter princess who has come to Earth to kill the male Crites. It becomes a retelling of “Adventures in Babysitting” only with Crites and Dee Wallace. Their heart is in the right place but the lack of understanding what made the first four films such a fun hit with movie fans is lacking. Can a good reboot be done, maybe, but the damage has been with these two latest efforts… What happens after this remains to be seen but I doubt we will see anything other than a minor budgeted unsuccessful sequel that has nothing to do with anything as I give this poor effort 1 star.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #476

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Gross Movie Reviews #476

 

Slaughter (DVD) – Jim Brown stars as the title character who wants revenge against a mob in Mexico who has killed people close to him. Slaughter is a no nonsense dude that fucks anybody that gets in his way of his revenge. Even though the F.B.I. uses him to help get the job done because the mob has never seen him Slaughter uses the F.B.I. for their resources. Jim Brown is wonderful in kicking ass but also has an equally cool piece of shit villain in a super racist young Rip Torn! This film is more fun than serious and doesn’t have that Blaxploitation feel even for being released in 1972. I have always been a fan of Fred Williamson but this film help open my eyes to some of Jim Brown’s work as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Dirty Dozen (DVD) – An all-star Hollywood flick about a secret group of Army men that are needed to go into hostile territory during WWII to take out as many Nazi officers as possible. Think “The Expendables” decades before the concept is thought of! Almost all that read this review had that parent or grandparent that would watch this on TBS, AMC throughout the years. It is one of those unforgettable flicks where Lee Marvin is a Major that is tasked with a group of prisoners he must whip into shape in a short amount of time to take on this secret mission. They all must become and move as one or die of a quick death on the battlefield or in prison if they do not cooperate. Rewatching this film I still believe the film stands the test of time. The film is violent, funny, and has that right mix of characters that you understand why so many people watch this film over and over many times as I give it 4 stars.

 

Beaster Day (DVD) – This is one of those recent B-flicks you have so much hope to be a fun bad flick to watch and talk about: “Sharknado”, “Woodchipper Massacre” is two examples. This fails horribly! A giant Easter Bunny is eating people throughout a small town as the holiday approaches but the only hope is a crazy focused dog catcher. Now I am not expecting hundred million dollar creature effects but I am at least expecting some half-ass idea why the giant crayon drawn bunny is there eating people? Nope, the vicious fucker is just there eating people while the mayor tries to smoke weed and keep his town calm so their kids could still do their egg hunts… This feature proves I don’t enjoy everything bad and for that I give this 0 stars.

 

Curse of the Mayans (YouTube) – A modest budgeted film from Mexico that takes on Mayan 2012 legend of something big happening. The film follows a scientist who is tasked by a billionaire to find the secrets of the Mayans for his private collection. Problem is the scientist may have stumbled upon what really happened to mankind all those years ago. Their expedition goes through a very dangerous jungle that is watched over by drug runners. They are allowed passage but warned to not disturb anything. The scientist and his group find an underwater cave that leads downward and has these Mayan drawings that were never seen before explaining the events years ago. They also awaken the ancient aliens who have laid dormant that whole time also that Mayans defeated. The movie is a bit boring at times but was shot beautifully. I cannot poop all over this movie for one I believe this movie was shot for a certain audience and us Americans suck when it comes to understanding foreign films. Two, the wide shots, the action shots, I enjoyed the cinematography. It is better than 75% of the big budget stuff we are forced fed in the U.S. on a regular basis and for that I give the film 2 stars.

Slaughter of the Innocents (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has just released a wonderful special edition of this serial killer film that wasn’t forgotten but maybe a bit lost in horror fans memories. This film was one those HBO premieres from the early 90s that took advantage of the door that was opened by “Silence of the Lambs”. We forget there was a dozen or so serial killer films that used cable channels and direct-to video for their big premieres as people’s movie watching habits were changing again. This feature starring Scott Glenn as F.B.I. agent Stephen Broderick was one of those early 90s movies that was well-crafted but unrealistic as a lot of us seen but maybe doesn’t get nearly as much press as the ‘Hannibal’ series did? Five years ago there was a brutal murder in Utah that was solved and now in present time (1993) a new murder and kidnapping has happened that fits the profile. Agent Broderick travels to Utah before the killer is put to death trying to explain he never felt good about the guy that was arrested. Sadly the man is put to death and this murder that fits the profile pops up and has Broderick’s interest. He wants to not only find out why this guy disappeared for five years but how he has never been found during that time. So with the help with his borderline genius son they track down the real killer who happens to be a religious nutjob who believes he is leading up to something biblical. Now true it is very unbelievable that in today’s society that a kid no matter whose kid would be allowed to travel across several state lines to help investigate murders. The movie does ask for you to suspend what you know but putting that aside for future drunken conversations with your horror friends, the film is rather fun, fast-moving, and beautifully brutal at times. You have a serial killer movie friend in your group make sure you drop this one on them as it will blow their mind how cool this film still is after 25 years. The Blu-ray special features are pretty damn cool with its deleted scenes that all feel like they belong except one that were most likely cut out for time restraints than just not fitting? Also there is an alternate assault sequence that had a different actor and reasons for changing the scene which is very interesting and I never knew existed. Plus there is a wonderful interview with a much underrated talent Gabe Bartalos talking about all his effects in the film. And the fun blast from the past topper for memory sake is the original HBO promo spot! This serial killer film is not perfect by any means but still deserves 3 out of 4 stars and as usual 4 stars for the package as Synapse Films once again hits it out of the ballpark. For more details on the Blu-ray please go to: www.synapse-films.com .

 

The Island (Blu-ray) – This was one those movies from the 80s that was on list that haven’t track down to watch until now. It stars Michael Caine as a reporter Blair Maynard who wants to travel to Florida and some small islands surrounding it to investigate the mysterious disappearance of ships in the Bermuda Triangle area. He takes his young teenage son with him to bond as he got stuck with him because his ex-wife ran off with her boy toy to Dallas. As Blair investigates he tries to bond with his son by going fishing. They are attacked by pirates who have somehow have lived off of the grid for hundreds of years and now are convinced in recent years to survive they must attack vacationers. Why is because most people would just chalk up as lost at sea or it is the Bermuda Triangle. Now instead of investigating Blair must survive David Werner and others as they plan to brain wash Blair’s son into joining the pirate life and continuing their bloodline. Not a straight up horror flick but fun for summer watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Tammy and the T-Rex (YouTube) – Here is a B-movie from 1994 that I literally thought someone made up. You know one those rumors about a film that exists but actually doesn’t and has gained internet fame as an urban legend of existing. Well folks it exists and I absolutely loved it as I couldn’t stop laughing at how silly this movie was and the cast it had. Tammy and her new boyfriend Michael are in love but of course Tammy’s ex-boyfriend believes she belongs to him no matter what. So Michael keeps having run-ins with the ex and keeps being warned he will get killed. One night Tammy and Michael’s hot kiss fest in Tammy’s bed is interrupted by the ex and his gang as they leave Michael beat up and in an animal park where he is attacked by lions. Michael ends up in a coma at the hospital from the attack and neurosurgeon/evil scientist guy who just happens to have built a robotic T-rex has a plan to bring it to life. With Michael’s brain of course! The dinosaur experiment works and next thing you know what seems like a PG-rated Disney film has a dinosaur going to a party and slashing and smashing to death Tammy’s ex and his gang members. This movie is complete chaos and bad, but a wonderful hilarious bad that stars a clean shaven George ‘Buck’ Flower, an absolutely fresh and hot and before batshit recent crazy years Denise Richards, an equally hot fresh Paul Walker, Terry Kiser, Sean Whalen, and John Franklin just for horror fans minds to be blown! As I laugh my ass off thinking about the film I give it 3 stars just for being so damn entertaining.

 

Demonic (DVD) – A paranormal group convinces a friend he needs to visit a house his mother was at over twenty years ago. He keeps having dreams of his mother when she was younger in what is called “The Livingston House” because there was several murders there years ago that this small southern town would like to forget. The group believes he can find the answers he has been looking for there. They go and set up for the night only to unlock something the house hasn’t seen over for over twenty years. The film does star the talented Maria Bello and doesn’t really break new ground in this paranormal genre but does give a watchable horror film about a demon trying to enter our world which is more I can say about a lot of the films in this genre as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

 

Gross Movie Reviews #431

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Gross Movie Reviews #431

 

Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary (Blu-ray) – These days it seems a lot of documentaries are being made about horror films and such. Some deserve it? ‘Pet Sematary’ deserved it for sure for its impact on the horror genre. Honestly horror movie fans it was one of the better book to film adaptions of King’s. The Stephen King story that was brought to life by director Mary Lambert, she had a long journey and interesting one. The film came at the end of the “Slasher Era” and no studio wanted it to be made mainly because of the kid death in the story/script/movie. But with a strike looming at the time Mary Lambert and others took advantage of this and the rest was film history. The documentary takes a very in-depth look how it got from book to film but also how it’s one of King’s darkest books that scared him when he first wrote it. The filmmakers: John Campopiano and Justin White were just normal horror movie fans that felt they should do a documentary for the popular horror film. For several years the two tracked down everyone that had anything to do with the film. Plus there is loads of interviews with all the cast members involved sharing their stories of on and off set. I believe it was crucial having Mako Hughes talk about his experience and what he actually remembers of the project to make this the perfect documentary for ‘Pet Sematary’ fans. John and Justin went to great lengths to get all kinds of goodies any horror fan to enjoy this great documentary. The documentary is absolutely wonderful as I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Suspiria (Blu-ray) – A wild ride of a film about a young lady that goes to a prestigious dance academy. Once there strange happenings go down and the young lady begins to uncover secrets no one is meant to know. Meanwhile people begin disappearing and die in very beautiful but gruesome ways. You got witches, gore, and ARGENTO, a terrific combo. We all know the story and have seen the film countless times. But this new 2-disc Blu-ray is the one that had folks talking on the festival circuit and for good reason. This is the new 4K restoration of the original cut of Suspiria. Seriously horror fans this film should be used for the prime reason to buy a 4K television. The colors and its sharpness of how the film was meant to be seen are perfect. You don’t have to be the biggest Argento fan in order to want to have this new Blu-ray set. This version of Suspiria is stunning and makes you want all horror movies to look like this. Plus there are enough extras for you to just call off work and spend the day in ‘Suspiria-land’. From artwork, to the story of the colors in the film and the reason, to the interviews your mind will be blown away. I always enjoyed the film but was never an uber-fan of it but this two-disc set just made Suspiria that much better experience in my eyes as I give this 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com of course.

 

 

Path of Blood (Blu-Ray) – An animated feature done like the “South Park” pilot episode set in Japan 1614. With the war over samurai are displaced or just wandering the country and they are called “Ronin”. The movie centers on one samurai who doesn’t so much seeks to be paid for his services as much as he is curious about the world. He hears a story about a man who may be a demon or undead that is looking for an army. But many men have taken this adventure and have not come back to tell the tale of it. So Kazuo takes the dangerous road and risks life and limb to satisfy his curiosity of the stories of the evil in the mountains. Eric Power did amazing job with this movie and fans of animated stuff will be excited to get their hands on this package! I give the movie 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Street Team Massacre (DVD) – Oh I had no clue what I was getting into but glad I watched this flick. This movie has moved into my great finds that include stuff like “Death Metal Zombies”, “Woodchipper Massacre”, “Holy Shit… Zombies”. But anyhow this 2007 independent film begins in a room full of people in lab coats in 1999. They have a college aged test subject who is there to test their energy drink and give them feedback for twenty bucks. He drinks a Mango energy drink and soon begins attacking all in the room. Several years go by and we are in the Eco-Elixir conference room present day where a new sales/street team person is going to be introduced to his co-workers. Excited for the struggling juice company he is excited to get out on the street until he and his team have a run-in with the Jock Juice crew on the beach. The Jock Juice team always seems to be one step ahead of the Eco-Elixir team until new guy comes up with an idea to go check out this unknown music jamboree in the mountains. Problem is there are only six or seven rednecks and the jamboree was only five minutes long. But unbeknownst to the team members their Eco-Elixir has been switched with the “Mango” test drink from years ago that causes changes in people and make them attack others. Now, you have biting rednecks with a uni-brow trying to kill both energy drink teams. Its cheesy, stupid, has Lloyd Kaufman looking at a ‘Gorillas in the Piss’ magazine, Roddy Piper selling energy drink out of his driveway, and George Hardy as I am all in as I give this 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

VHS Massacre (DVD) – A great documentary about a couple podcast dudes in the New York area who take upon themselves to discuss the decline of physical media. They started in 2012 with the film and completed sometime in 2014 which helps as they show video stores galore closing down as they discuss the subject with the likes of Lloyd Kaufman, Debbie Rochon, and Joe Bob Briggs. You get to see some old school VHS and Beta commercials along with the DVD infomercial that invaded VHS in the mid-90s. The documentary takes a more serious tone discussing the pros and cons of where movies are going and what it means for certain filmmakers and companies. I give the documentary 4 stars, great stuff guys.

 

Fangs (DVD) – This 1974 movie might not be known for its “Fangs” title as much as it being called “Snakes” when hitting the VHS back in the day. But this little weirdo film is about Mr. Snakey Bender who keeps several different snakes as pets and buys mice off the kids every Wednesday to feed the snakes. Besides the cute school teacher having a bizarre relationship with the snakes and Mr. Bender, the preacher is fucking with his business. Soon the little Texas town believes old Snakey should just drive his clunker to the farm and never come back to town. But Snakey has a different thought as he kidnaps those who wronged him and lets the snakes do all the work for him. In the end this makes him happy. The 70s film is weird and has enough strange shit that it will make you want to watch it again as I give it 3 stars.

 

Another Wolfcop (Theater) – Lowell Dean finally gives me the sequel not only I wanted but all Wolfcop fans. Lou is still on the prowl but these days during a full moon Sheriff Tina believes it would be better that Lou is locked up. Busy drinking and having his usually ‘Liquor and Donuts’ baker dozen as they are the official sponsor of Wolfcop. Of course Lou doesn’t listen and gets out and after an incident; Tina has to take lip from the mayor (Kevin Smith) about a Wolfcop running around town.  After a night of the usual chaos and Lou taking a truck back because its evidence he finds his dead friend or reborn friend/shape shifter Willie in a present. So the old tag team is back, maybe as Wolfcop has come against a new robotic foe that was built by a scientist controlled by Sidney Swallows. Swallows plans on getting the local folk drunk on his new cheap beer ‘Chicken Milk Stout’ then killing them at the hockey game. Honestly I am not making this up as Willie now has a mutant dick that smokes weed with him. Willie also has a werewolf sister who bangs Lou and has six tits! And apparently snorting moon rock is like steroids for werewolves. This beautiful mess is all mashed together in a 82 minute sequel that is just as much fun as the original. See it now as I give it 4 stars.

 

Incredible Shrinking Woman (DVD) – Lily Tomlin is Pat Kramer a loving wife who does everything for the kids while the husband works away on selling products. Pat is exposed to the right mixture of chemicals and suddenly begins to shrink. Her family is suffering because they are unsure what is going to happen to her until one day they believe she is dead after falling into the garbage disposal. But it just so happens a group of people are hell bent on using her for tests so they can shrink everyone down in the world and takes it over. With the help of a gorilla Pat is able to escape and let her family know she didn’t die just yet as she becomes a national story. A very hilarious take on the 50s film “Incredible Shrinking Man”. I give it 3 stars.

Midnight Movie Massacre (DVD) – The film began in 1984, supposedly finished in 1986, and wasn’t released until 1988 and also known as “Attack from Mars”. Cannot see this film being that bad? Read a few articles about the film supposed to be released in 1986 but there was no explanation to why not? Anyway the movie takes place in 1956 where several people go to the theater to go watch a flick called, “Space Patrol”. Meanwhile, a real Martian lands from Mars to slowly murder people in the theater until the patrons eventually fight back and the Martian is eaten by a fat woman. I give this real B-movie 2 stars for the mere reason I laughed several times watching this flick.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

Oh it’s real and it’s happening… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

 

Welcome to Gross Movie Reviews’ Best of 2017 list!

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As usual a few people will be pissed, a few will be excited, and quite a bunch of yinz will be baffled still to this day what the hell I watch…

 

Gross Movie Reviews Top Ten Movie list of 2017


1) Don’t Kill It (On Demand) – Mike Mendez and Dolph Lundgren together for a supernatural horror film equals horror GOLD! Dolph Lundgren aka Mr. Woodley the Demon Hunter rolls into a small Mississippi town looking for a demon that have cause a triple homicide three times in one week. We learn the demon cannot be killed as if you kill the person it possesses you become possessed. So this mucks things up as Mr. Woodley must be able to capture the demon by committing suicide. Mr. Woodley comes from a family of demon hunters who have done this for years and he has been trying to figure out what he can do with this demon so no one can let it loose again. Woodley has trouble trying to explain to the small town folk that you just can’t going blasting it away which leads into an awesome bloodbath at “Town Hall” that will make horror fans drool! Congrats Mr. Mendez and Dolph your film will most likely make my best of 2017 movie list as I give this bad ass horror film 4 stars! It is like someone gave the TV show ‘Supernatural’ Grade A steroids and Dolph Lundgren.

2) Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

3a) Garden Party Massacre (DVD/Vimeo) – Filmmaker Gregory Blair gives us a film about a couple (Caleb and Addison) who are having a small gathering that the theme is ‘no cell phones’. The party is all about people interacting with each other. The socially awkward party begins when all the characters show up and begin eating until a psycho with a pick axe shows up and kills the annoying girl. Now Caleb and Addison and fellow guests must figure out how to escape the house and make a run for it as the psycho killer has them trapped. The killer wants blood, the guests are in a state of panic, and Mr. Blair throws a curve ball when the party guests learn it’s a prank gone wrong and much more happens. I would to say more but then I would just be giving away the movie. Blair and company make great use of the house and backyard but the story set up and the actors playing the characters are the gems of this movie. The actors should be proud of what they done because they were simply entertaining and made this typical horror movie into so much more! I was just happy to see a movie with a title like this made but for the horror flick to be this much fun was just icing or blood on top of the red velvet cake (watch the movie you’ll understand). Plain and simple the movie was fucking brilliant and may show up on my “Best of 2017 list” as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. Go to http://www.gardenpartymassacrefilm.com for more details.

3b) Pool Party Massacre (Blu-ray) – A low budget horror film made in the spirit of “Slumber Party Massacre”. And the 8-Bit intro was absolutely beautiful. From the start you can see filmmaker Drew Marvick is a fan of “Slumber Party Massacre” with all the nods. Especially when a few of the scenes at the beginning of the film where the killer stalks the young ladies getting ready for the pool party brings back memories of such a great film. But the meat of the film is a rich bitch wants to have a pool party with all her wannabe reality star girlfriends. Have some champagne, look hot, and hang by the pool. The cool idea of a pool party becomes “worst pool party ever” when a killer is stalking all the guests. The killer stalks them all one by one including killing a man with a drill while the guy is jerking off. This beautiful movie was a love letter to my 15 year old self with the gore, the unseen killer, the music, the nods to the early slasher films, the packaging from box art to tagline, and the commentary with mom is excellent! My only complaint of the film might be some of the dialogue scenes that got a little boring but then I do remember “It is a fucking movie called Pool Party Massacre”… I believe Drew and company did one hell of a job of making an entertaining and Slumber Party worthy horror flick that needs to be seen by all! Thank yinz and my god Rutger Hauer for making this film exist and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at http://www.poolpartymassacre.com .

4) Fist of Jesus (You Tube) – A Spanish short film about Jesus trying to help resurrect a woman’s son, only for him to become a zombie. Next thing you know we have Roman zombies, Cowboy zombies, all kinds of zombies. And Jesus must kick zombie ass and save his friend Judas. The film was influenced by Peter Jackson and a well worth of wasting 15 minutes of your time on You Tube. But while watching notice the production, the effects, all impressive in my opinion! Check out http://www.fistofjesus.com as I give it 4 out of 4 gory stars.

5)The Creep Behind the Camera (Blu-ray) – An amazing reenactment documentary about filmmaker Vic Savage aka A.J. Nelson aka Arthur White aka most likely had a few other names. Otherwise a film that documents the insanity behind the making of a bad movie of 1964’s “The Creeping Terror” before stuff like “Troll 2” and “Cursed” were even thought of. Vic gets the filmmaking bug and moves himself and his first wife out to Hollywood during the 50s to make “the biggest monster movie anyone has seen!” Never mind the bad movie as much as Vic Savage was a complete psycho, womanizer, drug addict, drunk, con man! True stories told by living cast members, his first wife, producer, etc. Vic Savage was such a complete maniac that his monster maker stole his own creation during filming because he wasn’t paid, change actresses, sets, hung out with Charles Manson (before we all knew who he was), god complex, threesomes, Vic was completely insane. So insane he disappears into the night leaving what was considered the finished product/film in the garage with no sound, slate, etc. This is stuff that could not be made up about a film that is one of the first two movies I can legitimately remember watching. This film started it all for me and to watch this and learn of this insanity just made me absolutely love this documentary! It is beautiful insanity that needs to be watch and rewatched to be believed! There is lots of cool extras on the Blu-ray: The Creeping Terror movie of course but my favorite extra “How to Build a Carpet Monster”. Once again, Synapse Films does not disappoint as I give this wonderful package 4 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

6) The Guardians (DVD) – A Russian version of ‘The Avengers’ that features a man that turns into a bear, has a machine gun and a woman on his back killing evil persons while running through Moscow! Yep, I am sold and do not need to say anymore but I will. After the Russians entered the war in 1940 scientists were doing secret genetic research. After several failed experiments over the years a scientist goes rogue and starts to use people to further his experiments. When the military tries to intervene the scientist gets caught in a chemical explosion and becomes a part of his own experiment only to disappear until now. During a high tech military exercise this monster reappears and takes control of all machines killing all involved and disappears. So the Russian military forms a team of superheroes Nick Fury style: Ler – a man who can move rocks and things and uses them as weapons or a suit. Khan – a guy who has swords and can move like the wind. Kseniya – who is able to regulate her body temperature? And my favorite because he looks like a character from the Sega game “Altered Beast” Arsus (I believe that is how it’s spelled) – is a man who turns into a thing with a bear head and when he is really pissed off turns into a giant grizzly bear! They must take down the former scientist Kuratov now evil monster mastermind who also made them into what they are. Kuratov wants to take over Moscow then the world and make more troops like him. His goal in accomplishing this is using an old Reagan satellite in space left over from the “Star Wars program”. First time around The Guardians is defeated quickly but they reset things and prepare differently to become a team and defeat this evil Kuratov before it’s too late. The movie is a brilliant comic book-style popcorn flick that fits right in with the Marvel and DC universes! I absolutely loved this exciting flick as I give it 4 stars. Come one for the love of Rutger Hauer you have a bear with a machine gun you know this is gonna make my “Best movies of 2017 list”.

7) Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

8) Trespassers (DVD) – This fantastic short film is from Zane Hershberger (for the love of Rutger Hauer you know I am fucking that name up) and is a segment of a horror anthology called “10/31”. A couple is out at the local movie theater trying to enjoy a good scary movie but have picked a dud. So still looking for something to put a little fear in their lives on the best night of the year, Halloween they go for a drive out to a farm. This farm isn’t any farm it has a horrible history of a scarecrow popping mysteriously on the land and eventually Old Man Martin murdered his family and committed suicide. But what is about this creepy scarecrow that makes the local story so interesting this couple wants to know? Pretty creepy and well thought out Halloween short film reminds me of a cool little known horror flick from the late-80s called “Scarecrows” and for that I give 4 out of 4 stars.

9) The Void (DVD) – An extremely vague but interesting horror film that has some of the best movie creatures since ‘The Thing’? A man is picked up along a dark road and brought into a closing hospital by a small town police officer. Things only get stranger when the man does not wanna quit babbling and the police officer is attacked by a person in a white sheet outside. Once the doctor and nurses stop the bleeding on the officer more of these people in white sheets show up. Meanwhile another nurse goes nuts, rips her face off and stabs a patient in his eye killing him and that’s when it gets even weirder??? Two guys show up bitching about a massacre, a huge disgusting creature steals the state trooper and begins feeding on him, and apparently the good doctor of the hospital is the next Pinhead!? Fun and gruesomely entertaining film! My only drawback with the film is you must pay attention to pick up on some of the happenings because I would have liked a little more explanation. But this film is easily the new horror generation’s ‘Hellraiser’? I give this amazing creature filled film 3 ½ stars and most likely be somewhere on my “Best of 2017 movie list”.

10a) Bonehill Road (Vimeo) – Todd Mother F’N Sheets reaches into the depths of his mind and pulls out this latest project of an old school werewolf film. The film centers on a mother and daughter who are escaping an abusive relationship. On the road to grandpa’s house they meet a creepy dude at a rest stop (which I believe happens to all of us at least once) and believe they just narrowly missed hitting a bear? Shortly after the narrow miss a tire blows out and they hit a tree. The women take a few to get their senses and try to figure out what they should do but that so-called bear comes back to haunt them or I should say werewolf. On the run the ladies find a house but their luck is worse than they think when creepy dude from rest stop is the owner and has his own serial killer thing going on. These women have already been battle tested and know what is outside is worse than inside. Once the madman is dispatched in a rather gruesome manner its back to figuring out how to fight off these werewolves who are trying to break their way into the home. I absolutely enjoyed this werewolf flick. I would compare to Todd’s film to another werewolf flick “Wolfen” or “Bad Moon”. Mr. Sheets went for a more story driven werewolf flick and when it pays off it more than pays off with a scene in the kitchen. While a woman recently bitten transforms another not one but two werewolves shot in 100% light wander into the kitchen and it is a beautiful thing. Most independent werewolf films have to hide their monster. Hell most mainstream flicks do the same but Todd Sheets made sure you got the money shot and more with this scene. Todd absolutely delivered on a giving horror fans an entertaining treat of a werewolf film. And yes horror fans the film is a little slow but again the film is more story driven than gore driven but you will get your blood, guts, and cannibalism! A couple other cool tidbits to the film are the end credits scene with fake Gene Simmons again and they have a “stunt werewolf” thanks to Mr. Steele. Todd Mother F’N Sheets did again and I think fans will be pleased with his old school werewolf flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

10b) Knock Knock (On Demand) – No folks this isn’t that terrible Keanu Reeves movie we all lured into watching last year. This film is something much better! 2012 “Dorm of the Dead’s” Toby Canto makes his return back to the independent horror genre with this great gem. A story of misfits living in an apartment complex. An old boxer named “Stonefist” Sam is turning 60 today. Not the most pleasant person returns home to his weirdo neighbor Oliva hanging out in his apartment complaining about a vampire living across the hall. She can’t make her mind up if its Dracula or just a hot vampire living next door as she has been watching him worried he will kill her. As Sam tries to calm her down another weirdo neighbor Dragon busts in with his bag of goodies to kill the vampire and blurts out this great quote “Fucking Draculas Bro”! He also has stories of Dracula living next door including ripping his “Missing in Action” poster off of his front door. Once Gretchen stops by the scene is set as Oliva stole a package that was left for the vampire. As the four argue the vamp knocks on Sam’s door to nicely get the package but that goes horribly wrong when he was already invited to an apartment complex party. Sam doesn’t believe the neighbor is a vamp until the vamp tries to bring hell down on the four and Sam shows why he was nicknamed “Stonefist”. After they beaten the vamp down and tie him up they warn him to just be a good neighbor or leave? The credits role and we all find out the vamp has friends as a war takes place in the apartment. Smart production, hilarious script and characters, and the actors were down right fucking awesome and perfect for these parts! This flick had me laughing my balls off the whole time watching it. Toby I hope all of us horror fans get to see more projects from you as this is one of the best independent horror projects I have seen in 2017. I give this flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Check out Pop Art Pictures Facebook page for more details on the film.

 

The notable movies that still deserve a mention

 

Hectic Knife (DVD) – Let’s be honest folks most of us are Troma fans and we know Troma pretty much has become a distributor of independent films. Hey Troma has to survive just like any other small movie company. 99% of the time the newer Troma stuff that is released is to make them money and keep them afloat and really doesn’t have anything to do with the Troma legacy? Well folks, I am to say ‘Hectic Knife’ is a different but Troma-like film that has come out of nowhere. The film is about a new knife-swinging superhero named ‘Hectic Knife’. He kills rapists, gangsters, junkies, but like the rest of us normal people he has to pay bills, needs a roommate, struggles with all the killing, and no girlfriend. But when ‘Hectic Knife’ comes into contact with a professional baddie named ‘The Piggly Doctor’ he must risk his own life to defeat this new baddie. Hilarious over-the-top violence, bad jokes, bagels, a hippie, and the vibe the film gives off while watching it is like the stuff of second generation Troma films. Let me explain: first generation is “Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘em High”, second generation is “Tromeo and Juliet and Sgt. Kabukiman”. It fits in with the 90s Troma stuff which is a good thing. The movie just has that Troma vibe that makes you wonder if Lloyd may have been on set. Troma should be more than happy adding this feature to this their library it’s one of the few flicks that understand what Troma is all about and for that I am thankful! I give this fun flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars and definitely one of the better films of 2017! Go get it now folks http://www.troma.com as there isn’t enough good things I can say about this independent flick.

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

Kill Show (YouTube) – A short film that features a young woman’s struggle with her perverted mind frame of being a clown. The film takes you into her mental breakdown and she gets off on hearing about her random killing spree that can only end in one way. She wants to be known/remembered, not forgotten. Todd Braley and crew do a wonderful job of making this an interesting and creepy short film that makes you want to know more about this young woman’s story. What adds to the feel of the flick is the way the film was shot as it felt like the crew might have been trying to give the viewer a unique disturbing view into her madness. Wonderful stuff from Mr. Braley and hope there is a lot more coming for film fans. I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars and you can rent it at http://www.reelhouse.org/infinitymediaprods/kill-show .

 

The Foreigner (DVD) – Possibly one of the most underrated flicks of 2017 I did not see coming. Jackie Chan is driving his daughter to a shop to pick up her dress. He has a slight car accident out front when a bomb goes off inside the dress shop killing his daughter and several others. From here you are expecting Jackie Chan to go all Jackie Chan but he doesn’t. Jackie just wants answers! Meanwhile Pierce Bronson is Irish dude who is in with the British government mainly to try and keep the peace between the Irish extremists lets say and the Brits? For most of the movie you are not totally sure if Pierce’s asshole charcter is behind the bombing or just trying distance himself from it as he was one of these extremists 30 years ago. But Jackie wants answers and everyday sits in this lobby waiting. When he doesn’t get the answers he wants and no one has been found that did the bombings Jackie begins to stalk Pierce’s character. And again you are expecting the wild acting, stunts, and so on but his character being 60 years old gives up his restaurant and starts a one man crusade of just fucking people up! Think “Taken” but if possible done in a better way? It can be debated whether this is a better version of “Taken” just for the mere reason Jackie Chan goes away from what he is known for and becomes possibly a bigger bad ass than he ever was with this hardcore action/drama flick. Kudos to Jackie Chan because I did not see such a flick coming this late in his career as I give it 3 1/2 stars.

 

Worst movie of 2017: Jeepers Creepers 3