Gross Movie Reviews #500

 

The Dark Dealer (DVD) – This is another independent anthology from a dude, Tom Alexander that is his only director credit. He has done other things in the movie biz but apparently I guess he didn’t like didn’t after this 1995 feature. A young man stumbles into a blackjack game in the basement of an office building that he is running from an electrical force. He is asked to sit down as he has time to wait and each player has their story told by the dealer as he deals them all in for blackjack. First story is about a couple of low life criminals breaking into the wrong old man’s apartment… Pretty cool creature in this one. Second story has a music lawyer stealing dead blues artist music for profit. Third story of course is the young man who stumbled into the game. He is forced by a drug dealer to break into his father’s pharmacy lab company to grab some drugs to sell and all the young man was trying to do was get his girlfriend out of debt and clean. If you are a fan of the 90s version of “The Outer Limits” then this is right up your alley as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Meet the Feebles (DVD) – Peter Jackson’s 1989 effort that wasn’t seen by most audiences until about 1994 after ‘Braindead’ aka ‘Dead Alive’ was dropped on horror fans. Best way to may describe this film is imagine if the Muppets were in a Bizarro parallel dimension. Robert is the newest cast member of the “Feeble” chorus for the ‘Meet the Feebles’ variety hour. Through Robert and his interactions we are introduced to all the cast and the reality of what goes on behind the scenes: sleaze, paternity suits, drugs, disease, a rat filming porn and that is just some of it. Everything seems to be going dandy until Heidi the star is fired when ‘Meet the Feebles’ has now been signed into syndication. To this day it is still one of the weirdest, most glorious films ever made and thank you Peter Jackson as I give it 4 stars!

 

The Goalie (On Demand) – A biopic about one the most famous NHL goaltenders Terry Sawchuk who played most of his career during the 50s and 60s without a goalie mask. Terry was considered then and still considered one of the best goalies to play in the league. The film touches upon how Terry beat himself up just to stay in the game because during this era of hockey goaltenders were considered expendable no matter how good you were. If you had a bad streak one season there was a chance you would be cut for the next guy in the minors and at a time when all the teams only carried one goalie. The story is somewhat sad but very interesting if you never been that big of a fan of hockey or on the other end a super sports nut as I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Black Face Killer (DVD) – This 2009 independent flick is set in 1978 Texas and I know the filmmaker is trying to go all Quentin Tarantino but I feel he failed in trying to go for that. Instead yes the film does come off a little racist. Hell they changed the name of the film to ‘The Minstrel Killer’ when it got picked up for distribution so that is for another conversation. Anyway we have a couple of officers who are stuck together to work a case where a serial killer is believed to be? The theory is the killer happens to be using “slave torture methods” to kill. The film has its sleaze, cannibalistic hillbillies, and a couple dead bodies but overall it is dull and a poor excuse to use the N-word. I am sure there is an audience out there for this film it just ain’t me as I give it 0 out of 4 stars.

Teen Lust (DVD) – Surprise another cool horror comedy from Canada that no one has talked about. Neil is your usual uncomfortable male teenager who has church to go too… The Church of Satan, yes Neil, his best friend, the parents all go to The Church of Satan that is led by the wonderful Cary Elwes as Sheldon. Instead of Neil accepting the hot girl’s invite to the high school party of the year he declines because he must keep his oath of being a virgin and go to church Saturday evening to be sacrificed. Once he is Satan will rise and stop the 1000 years of peace! Right as Neil is about to be sacrificed his best friend Matt grabs him and they escaped only to be chased down the rest of the night by Satanists. But there is hope as Neil goes and visits another great friend Denise who is a girl and actually likes Neil. But just like most teenagers there are glitches and one of them is Neil does it on Denise’s leg before the act gets started. Eventually the Satanists catch up and try to get him back to the altar before sunrise. A very hilarious film in the same vein as the recent ‘Satanic Panic’ as I give it 3 stars.

Skeletons in the Closet (Blu-ray) – I am always excited to watch another Tony Wash project and this was no different as this time it’s an anthology project. But this film is far from your typical anthology formula as it possibly can. Every Friday night a young kid named Jamie never misses her favorite show where a beautiful woman (Ellie Church) and her dead husband rent a horror movie to watch. Just like any horror hosts they do their commentary on it and Jamie watches as we get monster grandmas and kids, a woman dreaming of killing her husband, and thieves who try to find cover in a haunted junkyard. Now I won’t give too much away other than that because I thought Mr. Wash and company did a wonderful job of putting together an anthology unlike most I have seen before. We all know Ms. Church is wonderful but the person that steals the film is Alainia Karner as Jamie as she was perfect casting for the anthology as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The Phantom (DVD) – The 1996 comic book adaption has the cool Billy Zane as The Phantom, a mystical comic book character that has been long forgotten but is a superhero that is passed down generation to generation to protect the jungle and people from injustice. The setting is 1939 and a criminal mastermind in Treat Williams is trying to gather the three skulls to rule the world and along the way we get the lovely Kristy Swanson for some eye candy. A fun adventure film in the spirit of ‘Indiana Jones’ that I would have loved to see a sequel or two with Billy Zane continuing the character. But instead this 3 ½ star superhero flick was never heard from again exception was that horrible TV mini-series that tried to update a cool character instead of building upon it.

 

Deadly Memories (DVD) – A 2002 Donald Farmer flick about a man losing his wife in a fiery car accident and his daughter falling into a coma because of three twenty-somethings running them off the road. Two years have passed and Art is trying to move on but cops have showed up asking questions again and Art believes he has seen the same young man that was driving that day in the bar. So when people begin to disappear of course the police suspect him because they know he has revenge on his mind. Always enjoy Donald Farmer flicks but this one runs a little longer than it should have but has William Smith, Robert Z’Dar, and Tina Krause for this indy feature I give 2 ½ stars too.

 

Journey to China: The Mystery of Iron Mask (On Demand) – It doesn’t matter what the movie is about listen to this cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, Charles Dance, and Rutger Hauer, I have your attention now correct. Anyway the film is now known as ‘Iron Mask’ but is all about dragons, wizards, and how Arnold allows prisoners fighting him for their freedom. The real plot of this fantasy film is there an imposter princess that has enslaved all her people and is looking for the mystical dragon seal. If found she would control the dragon that sleeps in the cave below them. This international film is full of adventure and effects but for me getting to see Arnold and Jackie fight each other on film was glorious and hilarious. The scene is a must watch for any action film enthusiast as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Vivarium (On Demand) – A boring ass flick about couples who are house hunting but are left by the realtor at a “forever home”. A term the realtor/alien/parasite or whatever takes quite seriously. Once the couple is there they cannot leave. No matter how much they drive, walk, burn down the house or dig there is no escape. They are fed, clothed, but eventually they are given a child to raise. It starts out innocently but quickly understands it isn’t a typical human child. Now this is where the film started bothering me because I was waiting for the payoff… Where the dude just fucking loses it and puts the axe into the skull of the kid or kills the wife. Or goes all ‘Deadly Friend and makes the kid’s head explode? Nope, he just digs and the wife just tries to understand this thing and why? Fuck that, I would of killed one or both because you know yinz are trapped and no way getting out. Sorry keep your artsy wannabe thrillers to yourselves as yinz should have hit the reset button on this project as I give it 0 stars.

 

7 Guardians of the Tomb (DVD) – Kelsey Grammer sends a dude into a known funnel spider cave to find the ultimate cure in order to save his company Biotech.  The sister goes looking for him with a search party full of Biotech researchers with only Kelsey knowing these spiders are more venomous than anything on Earth. And of course it is all about profit margin as the team must fend off these spiders but the big mutant spider that seems to communicate with the rest throughout these endless tunnels some ancient dude made. It’s not any worse than the crap on SyFy Channel the past few years so I give it 1 ½ stars for that.

 

Abby (VHS/YouTube) – William Marshall is Dr. Williams and he heads to Nigeria for research and exploring. Dr. Williams finds an artifact and unleashes a demon force from it that travels to the states and takes over his very religious daughter-in-law. He returns to the states to deal with the possession when his son cannot control Abby any longer. She rampages through their home, the church, and then to the bar so she can kick dudes in the nards as tries to bang them! A fun 70s film from the guy that gave us ‘Day of the Animals’ and ‘Grizzly’ as I give it 3 stars.

 

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