Gross Movie Reviews #506

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Gross Movie Reviews #506

 

Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street (Shudder) – A documentary that has been years in the making that centers on the actor Mark Patton from the second film in the series. For many years Mark was blamed by many fans for the failure of the sequel. In reality it did not fail it was just pointed out how “gay” the film was and the blame was placed on Mark Patton by the writer of the film and many critics over the years. This project and the aftermath changed his life so much he chose to walk away until he was contacted for the ‘Never Sleep Again’ documentary about the whole series and this is where Mark’s journey begins. A very interesting look into an industry that can just crush a human being into nothing but Mark has made it past it all to enjoy what he has now. This is a must watch for every Elm Street fan and horror fans in general as I give this 4 stars. For me I just always felt the film never fit the flow of the series and seemed darker than the first. But also too I wasn’t looking for the gay subplot like so many and just watching it for what it was a sequel. And for the love of Freddy ‘The Dream Child’ was just downright terrible not ‘Freddy’s Revenge’ and so glad Mark is on top of the world now.

 

Itsy Bitsy! (DVD) – A black egg is stolen from an ancient tribe and it is given to an old man for his now deceased wife. But the old man doesn’t see it that way and unwilling to trade or sacrifice to this ancient egg, things are predicted to go bad in his life soon. When the egg is broken it unleashes this huge hideous spider that slowly takes over the attic of his new neighbors or nurse and family who are going to take care of him. While things disappear, strange noises are heard, and the family is breaking a part slowly the huge spider is planning on the family being the feast it wants. Not a great spider film, it’s more of a second rate Goosebumps film than something fun as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Victim (YouTube) – A 1972 TV movie starring everybody’s sweetheart from the ‘Bewitched’ show, Elizabeth Montgomery where she plays a character named Kathryn Wainwright. Kathryn is worried about her soon-to-be divorced younger sister Suzie. So Kathryn travels to her sister’s out of the way place during a storm that has knocked out phone lines and roads. Once there Kathryn cannot find Suzie and has learned from a friend of Suzie’s the long time housekeeper was fired a while ago. As the mystery thickens the soon-to-be ex-husband shows up and the housekeeper is still lurking around. A quite fun TV mystery worth checking out if you got 70 minutes to burn as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Strange and Deadly Occurrence (YouTube) – A TV movie from 1974 that looked like it had potential starring Robert Stack and Vera Miles. They are a family with their teenage daughter move out from the big city to the mountain small town area. First six months of living there everything is just fine then all of sudden problems with the electricity; a weird ass doctor dude asking to buy the place, gopher problems, and the daughter is having some strange dreams at night. The cops have been a few times and just believe it is the rich city folk overreacting, but when the weird doctor shows up dead in the pool things get interesting… Or should have? Not to give too much away like I did on our podcast Bloodbaths and Boomsticks: The buildup was cool but the payoff can go suck a bag of dicks because it was lame as I give this limp entry of a TV movie 1 star.

Shellmont County Massacre (DVD) – A small town has a serial killer problem suddenly and it quickly gets out of hand when a young man in a clown mask decides to start knocking on peoples’ doors. He absolutely enjoys the horror he brings to those who open the door. The serial killer is nicknamed “The Shellmont Butcher” when the bodies keep piling up and the sheriff no longer wants to bring the killer to justice but just end his existence. The actors were good, great exploding head effect along with some fun gore scenes, but the middle of the film feels more like filler than actually having something to keep you interested throughout the film. Hack off ten minutes or so of the filler and I believe independent fans are saying a lot of great things about this film as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Battle Beyond the Stars (DVD) – Plain and simple this was Roger Corman’s answer to ‘Star Wars’… ‘The Magnificent Seven’ in outer space. A peaceful planet is threatened to be destroyed in a few days by an overlord in John Saxon. A young man is sent out into space to seek out mercenaries who would be willing to help their cause in fighting this overlord. Depending how you are looking at the ship the kid is flying it is either a huge ballsack or a pair of giant boobies! Anyhow the young man finds some characters who are more than willing to help fight Sador in a war in which Sador has never lost. The biggest threat to them all is the weapon called “Stellar Converter”, if they can stop that they can stop Sador. For 1980 and on a Corman budget the film still holds up somewhat today as I give the film 3 stars.

 

Milwaukee Murders (VHS) – A never released S.O.V. movie with big hair, so-called twenty-something actors playing high school kids, an exploding Ford Pinto, and a killer on the loose. But it isn’t just any killer it is Vanessa’s boy toy Huey who is being teased for seeing an older woman by his friends. Vanessa convinces Huey to kill for her and as proof she wants body parts. But be careful what you wish for Vanessa as it backfires and Huey comes for her also! The movie is terrible and hilarious as you can see why it was never released intentionally. Even it is bad I am glad I did get to watch it as I give it maybe… 1 star.

Massacre on Aisle 12 (DVD) – It is Christmas Eve and Dave has started his new job at the big hardware store. Dave and another employee try to move a heavy tool crib until they open it and find out along with all the store employees there is a dead body in it. Also a large sack of money! The employees are faced with a dilemma keep the money or call the cops. Or just lockdown the store and awkwardly not try to kill each other while trying to act like you don’t want the money… Money or not the bodies drop quickly and the filmmakers use the location to its fullest as I give this fun little horror comedy 3 stars.

 

Thunder (VHS) – Mark Gregory, a young Native American comes back home only to find trouble quickly with his local law officers. If that wasn’t bad enough a construction company has begun to build on the ancient cemetery that is protected by a treaty between the government and Indians many years ago. Thunder tries to do the right thing and take it to the authorities, the bank, but none of give a crap because he is a Native American. So Thunder decides to go to war with the police department and the construction company himself. The authorities try to make it out like Thunder is a crazy person but a news reporter who happens to be driving through the town stays to write a story. This might be the only way Thunder isn’t killed by the authorities? A fun Eye-talian rip-off of ‘First Blood’ starring Bo Svenson as the sheriff and it was shot in Arizona in 1983 as I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Thunder 2 (VHS) – After barely escaping a few years back Thunder returns to his small town again but this time he returns as a deputy sheriff who was hired by the governor. Thunder quickly learns of a corrupt deputy that is taking advantage of young poor Native Americans with drugs. Soon Thunder finds himself framed and sent to county jail. But of course that doesn’t last long as he breaks out and goes to war again with the town and the police. The first film was a fun rip-off where the sequel seems more like a thrown together film in hopes of making a quick buck with no thought as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Blood Feast (remake/DVD) – I had no expectations going into this film because just like everyone else I felt this had been done already… ‘Blood Diner’ anyone! Hell even ‘Blood Feast 2’ made a decade or two ago? But of course that didn’t stop anyone as an American family the Ramses headed to Paris six months ago and started an American restaurant. The owner Fuad is having tough times so he picks up a second job working night shift at a museum. One morning Fuad loses his pills which are critical to his health and that night is when he witnesses Ishtar. Ishtar has fascinated Fuad so much he goes to the library and does research on the goddess. Thus the research makes Fuad believe he has found the answer to his failings in Paris and it starts with a feast that upcoming Saturday night with his family. Not only is he feeding on those he is killing but his family will also feast all in the name of Ishtar. There is doubt the film is gory as hell and Robert Rusler has that voice that just fits the role for the film but I was still not impressed overall. The film isn’t overall and maybe this is more for the newest generation of horror fans but I will always have ‘Blood Diner’ as I give this film 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #477

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Gross Movie Reviews #477

 

Brightburn (On Demand) – Spoiler alert people imagine if Superman came to Earth and was raised on a farm and instead of thinking he is supposed to save humanity? He is to rule and destroy them all. At first he doesn’t want to hurt anyone but soon the voices in his head convince it is time to fuck everybody up. Wasn’t expecting a lot but it entertains and I enjoyed the ending since it wasn’t your cookie cutter happy ending that a lot of people tend to expect. I give it 2 stars. The film isn’t bad, it wasn’t good, just one of those you will forget quickly.

 

Unholy Rollers (DVD) – A forgotten early 70s film starring Claudia Jennings in a roller derby film produced by Roger Corman. Claudia plays a woman named Karen who has just quit her cat food job because she is tired of all the sexual harassment and wants something different in life. Along comes the local roller derby tryout that is looking for fresh faces and like wrestling is popular and pre-determined. With two other people out of many Karen is hired for not just her looks, but spunk or as the roller derby owner kept saying sportsmanship! Karen becomes a quick hit with fans which means money and fame but also jealously among the teams as they don’t like Karen looks down on them. As quickly as Karen gets big in the sport she burns out in the big climax of the film where she just goes batshit crazy. Fun 70s movie stuff that never gets old as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Paralyzed With Fear (DVD) – Mr. Glenn Berggoetz is back with another tale of horror as Glenn doesn’t just stick to one genre proving he is a talented independent filmmaker that keeps you guessing. This time around in the opening scene a woman and her husband are in a serious car accident that has her husband die from his injuries. Unhappy and depressed her daughter Hannah worries a lot until she comes up with an idea with her girlfriend to maybe talk to the dead. Hannah believes if they have a ceremony or séance with her mother they or her mother could talk to her dead husband to help his passing and she could move on. Hannah convinces mom it’s a good idea and they do it believing they have made contact with the dearly departed love one. But they learn the hard way sometimes the dead should stay dead as an evil spirit played by an iconic figure Kane Hodder as the ghastly demon has decided to haunt them. Hannah’s conjuring ceremony is not what she expected but it’s way too late as she is deceived also by the evil spirit. A simple creepy paranormal movie that proves you don’t need the latest technology or appeal to the teens’ bottom line to pull off a scary flick. It’s also fun in the manner that Kane’s devilish voice and appearance brings back delightful memories and feelings I have watching “Prince of Darkness” and for that I give Glenn’s new feature 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Back Again (DVD) – A newer independent filmmaker David Bachmeier to hit the scene has his latest short film that takes on a serial killer and has a cool intro from the legendary Glen Colburn. Tommy Lee Jarvis is a brutal serial killer who has been gunned down by authorities and buried. A drunken doctor and his assistant have taken it upon themselves to dig up his fresh corpse for their experiment. Biggest problem is their formula works and the undead killer is back for another horrible murder spree! I like the premise, I like the gore, the short is a little rough but I did enjoy what David had accomplished and look forward to his future projects as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Shaft (On Demand) – So this film wins the award for a project I didn’t see happening in 2019 or anytime soon. Bottom line Shaft has a kid and he needs his absentee father’s help in a case of a friend who may have been murdered. Figured a sequel like this would dumb and uneventful but instead is unforgiving, hilarious, and most likely the most politically incorrect movie of 2019 and thank the lord Rutger Hauer for that. Well casted and make fun of millennials for almost two hours straight I am in as I give it 3 stars.

 

Funland (VHS/YouTube) – David L. Lander is Bruce Berger the clown who happens to be the mascot of a big theme park called ‘Funland’. Berger is the annoying clown that everyone puts up with because he has been there from the beginning but things change when the original owner of ‘Funland’ supposedly commits suicide. Here comes an Italian family taking over the park and using it as a front. Of course Bruce cannot take this and completely snaps to the point he talks to wax statues, he was already talking to his puppet, but also plans to shoot the national Bruce Berger clown they are bringing in for opening day. Thinking this movie over you can easily sit back and say this movie is about a man with mental illness that has a complete breakdown and here is the result. Or the later I have a feeling everyone from the producers, to the writers, to the director was unsure of what kind of movie they were going for as the film isn’t real funny and has a couple very racy scenes. I give the film only 1 star but if you are a weird film buff you may want to go down the rabbit hole of finding this for a watch?

The Keep (DVD) – It is 1941 and Nazi soldiers are sent into the Romanian mountains to investigate and guard a mysterious place called ‘The Keep’. The place was built for some unknown reason many years ago before WWII and Hitler thought of. The villagers there have been caretakers of ‘The Keep’ as long as they all can remember. But there are stories of people disappearing or not making the night there at ‘The Keep’. Of course the Nazi soldiers are completely fascinated by this legend and possibility of silver being in the labyrinth so go and disturb something ancient. A few days later and Nazi soldiers dying equally mysterious French man shows up wanting a room overlooking ‘The Keep’. Thus awaiting a battle… The film isn’t great but an interesting piece of cinema from Michael Mann who was very popular in the 80s as there are stories of the film plagued by problems that include the author of the original story claimed it had nothing to do with his story. There is a rumored 200 minute plus cut of the film!!! Interesting soundtrack by Tangerine Dream… The film is good vs. evil using the Nazi power at its height as the backdrop but I believe never comes close to being what it could have been? This is one of those flicks that are more popular for what happened off screen than what happened on screen but I still give it 2 stars because I am a Scott Glenn fan.

 

Phantom of Death (DVD) – A less talked about Italian film from Ruggero Deodato that is a thriller about a famous pianist. Michael York plays the pianist but it seems immediately death surrounds him as a string of murders are quickly connected to the pianist by police inspector Donald Pleasence. What’s weird ten minutes in the police inspector knows who the killer is but no one believes him. And to the viewer it becomes quickly clear who it is as the pianist discovers he has a rare incurable disease that sends him off the edge of playing cat and mouse with the inspector! He goes around the Italian countryside playing a game of death always being one step ahead of the inspector. As the illness continues to get worse the crazier Michael York’s character gets. It wasn’t really impressive but one of those horror flicks I cross off my “must need to see” list as I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

Gross Movie Reviews #430

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Gross Movie Reviews #430

 

Gnome Alone (DVD) – A wonderful B-movie starring Vern Troyer as an “evil gnome” who is part of a curse and a mark that has been passed down through several generations. You wish for someone to be horribly disfigured this ugly gnome goes and takes care of it. When an old bag lady is run down by a drunken frat boy Zoe a store clerk has the mark/evil gnome passed on to her. Wanting revenge and police not helping people that were involved with the accident and the cover up begin to die and Zoe is the one to blame. It’s hilarious and corny and well worth curiosity as I give the pint-sized horror flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Traveler (DVD) – So this movie from filmmaker Jonathan R. Skocik came to me in the mail the other day. Never mind it surprised me but it was an independent film I pooped all over back in 2006. So I took it as a sign that it was time to rewatch this Indy film and give it another chance. It is supposedly an all-new director’s cut of the film being released. Can’t hurt… But for those who don’t know the film it centers on a couple who have car troubles and find themselves at the ‘death house’ looking for help? But a few other people are already there to hang and do graffiti. To their surprise a stranger shows up explaining the only way to leave the house is to be the only one left. Each time he shows up they must vote on who dies. Of course their deaths are not swift but very torturous. As usual not my cup of tea or Indy flick but I can say this isn’t the worst movie I have seen as I said in 2006 as other horrible films have been released since: “The Christmas Season Massacre” being one of them. The acting isn’t terrible, some of the effects are good, but in the end I still don’t like the film too much. But hey people go check it out and you decide if I am right as you can find out more about the movie and the filmmaker at: www.facebook.com/BlackBootProductions .

 

The Lonely Ones (DVD) – A group of young friends head to a cabin to party and tell scary stories to each other. Some strange creatures or I should say ghouls show up to crash the party. Sounds like a fun horror film but fails as the film is a bit dull. It wastes a lot of time setting up the story between a cheating boyfriend and the girl he is trying to get back with. The ghoul idea and the weird biker dude is interesting but again the whole relationship thing drags this horror to a slow haul. For that I can only give this flick about ghouls 1 star.

Robowar (DVD-R) – Oh Vincent Dawn aka Bruno Mattei I so enjoy the messes you call movies. Don’t walk but run to your computer for this 1988 gem as Mr. Dawn pretty much made a scene for scene ‘Predator’ rip-off. Yeah, it’s not as good as that great flick with Arnold but this stars a racist robot! A strike force is sent into the jungle on a secret mission where they are to face-off with a robotics experiment gone wrong. Omega One is the robot’s name and looks like a cross between Charlie Sheen’s suit from “The Wraith” and a suit they may have stolen from Full Moon’s “Mandroid”. When Omega One isn’t destroying the strike force its busy wandering the jungle repeating, “Greasy” the whole time. A big flaming piece crap? Yes it is! Will I watch it again? Damn right I will as I give it 3 stars just because I am still laughing.

 

Pulse (DVD) – Little Joey Lawrence goes to visit his dad in California for the summer. Only problem Joey wasn’t there to be haunted by a smart pulse of electricity trying to kill him and move on to the next house. Joey spends much of the movie trying to convince his father and other people it’s real until some major accidents happen. Then we have one last showdown between the pulse of electricity and the tag team of Joey and his father. If you are a fan of TV horror movies you will enjoy this as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Axe Massacre (DVD) – A holiday horror short film where a masked Santa Claus climbs down the chimney unannounced to slaughter a family on the holy night. Fun stuff and looks cool but why did he do it and why the mask? I give this short film 1 ½ stars.

 

Machete Maidens Unleashed (DVD) – An amazing documentary that features what it was like to shoot and produce films in the 60s, 70s, and early 80s in the Philippines. Sets were built for you, labor was cheap, no laws enforced there, and Roger Corman took full advantage of this situation to produce many films and start several careers. A good portion of the documentary deals with the actresses of this time, one of them being Pam Grier who also took full advantage of the opportunity. Lots of Sid Haig and they explain why the age of filming in the Philippines went away. I give this excellent piece of history 4 stars.

 

Trailer War (DVD) – This collection of trailers really centers on some unknowns and B-movies favorites that feature Craig Sheffer, David Carradine, Donald Pleasence, Henry Silva, Hal Holbrook. This collection digs deep in the vault for films like: Inframan, The Dungeon Master, World War of Kung Fu, The Man From Hong Kong, Force: Five, Maniac Cop 2, Partners, Nightmare Honeymoon, The Scaremaker, and Shoot. If you got two hours to kill and enjoy watching trailers this is the DVD for you as I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

Oh it’s real and it’s happening… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

Gross Movie Reviews #409

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Gross Movie Reviews #409

 

Grotesque (VHS/YouTube) – A late 80s Linda Blair film that seems like two films smashed into one. It’s no ‘Spookies’ but what movie is? Linda Blair plays a character that goes to visit her parents along with her best friend for the weekend. The quiet weekend takes a turn for the worse when a group of punks (pay attention as Robert Z’Dar is one of them) come by and brutally start killing all in the house. Blair escapes into the snowy mountain landscape as she is chased after by the punks. But this movie takes an odd turn where a thing has been watching from afar and now is killing the punks one by one eventually helping out Blair. But she falls into a coma and this large disfigured man who was saving her is shot down by police. The last two punks get off with the lack of evidence but the Linda’s uncle has some other plans as he knew about this disfigured person that hid in the cabin for years. The film takes a couple odd twists and seems like it ends two or three times. Not the best of the Linda Blair resume but a definite interesting one as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Silent Assassins (VHS/YouTube) – Sam “Flash Gordon” Jones is a detective whose girlfriend is Linda Blair who convinces him it’s time to move to quiet Colorado. But Sam’s old boss gets his attention with a case of a six year old kidnapped by a psycho drug dealer who has also kidnapped a bio-chemist! One boring thing leads to another as question what is Linda Blair’s role in this lackluster action flick? The film also stars action stars Phillip Rhee and Mako but that isn’t enough to save the film as I give it 2 stars.   

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

The Magnificent Seven (DVD/remake) – Denzell wouldn’t have been my first choice for the remake but he proved me wrong. Yeah I know this is a remake of a remake but this western just seemed less worried about what had already been done and more worried with just putting together a decent film. Good or bad it entertained me… But anyway Denzell is a man who puts together seven men to take on an overbearing son of a bitch and his army who have taken over a small mining and farming town. Yeah there is better westerns in the past but these days it is just nice to see a new western that is worth your time watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Star Crystal (VHS/YouTube) – During a routine Mars expedition in 2032 astronauts bring aboard a rock on their ship that causes the ship to malfunction and kill all aboard. Two months later the ship and rock is found and the company that owns the ship wants to know what happened? But it happens again and some people escape and the rock hatches with some ugly slime monster that kills people on board of the spacecraft. As they make their long journey back to earth and try not to be eaten the creature wants to learn and become friends with the crew because it didn’t know killing was bad? Imagine if you could make a boring version of William Malone’s ‘Creature’ on even less of a shoestring budget as everything throughout the film is so generic. Sometimes boring and not sure why I was laughing at most of the film but this 1986 film suffers from “the box art is better than the film” as I give it 1 star.

 

Clowntown (DVD) – Based on true events of course some friends going to a country music concert get sidetrack when one of them forget their phone in the diner. She gets a phone call and they are to meet in the small town ahead of them to retrieve the phone. But they get there and the town is all but a ghost town and apparently serial killer clowns live there. Plus the cops let them do their business as long as the clowns don’t kill the pretty girls so they can be raped. The horror movie suffers from trying to cash in on Rob Zombie’s film and trying way to hard making the clowns scary. I liked some the effects so I give the horror flick 2 stars.

 

Bus Driver (DVD) – Young bootleg Robert Forester meet the real Robert Forester as the bootleg version just wants to be a bus driver. But when his bus has a tire blowout and they knock on the nearest meth-lab house he must bust out his special forces training to kick some drug dealer ass. A low budget flick going the “Grindhouse” route of putting together the story of a bus driver just trying to protect his kids. Maybe a little stupid but entertaining enough for me to say bootleg version isn’t better than the real Robert Forester from ‘Alligator’. Give the film 2 stars for at least trying the concept out.

 

Death Race 2050 (DVD/remake) – Roger Corman and crew got behind this god awful abomination that has Malcolm McDowell and Yancy Butler collecting paychecks for possibly the worst film of 2017. This movie is so bad I am rethinking my stance on the Jason Statham remake and sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original masterpiece starring David Carradine. That is some major shit people as I have made it known I hated the idea of the Jason Statham flick. But this film is something of a shit show literally. This movie is crap so I give it crap as people who thought this would be a good idea should not be allowed to have anything to do with film ever again! Corman and crew you should have left it at ‘Deathsport’?

 

Yes, Madam (DVD) – Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock are two detectives who kick some major ass looking for this microfilm that could put a bad guy away for life. If that isn’t enough of a combo how about some of John Carpenter’s “Halloween” soundtrack used throughout the film? I give this ass kicking woman duo film 3 stars.

 

Extraterrestrial (Blu-ray) – Some college kids go to the cabin for the weekend as some weird X-files shit has been happening in a nearby town. That night after arriving at the cabin a spacecraft becomes a fireball and falls from the sky. The kids go check it out only to notice weird little footsteps leading away from the craft. They grab the double barreled shotgun for defense and shot an alien at their back door. They believe it is dead but its friends are pissed and looking for revenge as a crazy old Vietnam vet Michael Ironside cannot save them. I enjoyed the ending of this flick also as it did not pussy out like some flicks do when dealing with this genre aka happy endings. If you are a fan of films such as X-files, Almost Human, and Fire in the Sky this will fill your appetite for alien flicks as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Survival Zone (VHS/YouTube) – A South African 1983 flick that deals with the neutron bomb going off and killing most of the world. All is left is pockets of people in these survival zones. Or cannibal motorcycle gangs that are roaming the wastelands to kill farmers and eat nuns! Sounds better than it is but bootleg George Eastman is leader of the cannibal motorcycle gang that wants everything and goes to war with a farmer to have his 17 year old daughter. I give the post-apocalyptic film 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Zomputer returns from the dead so we can keep doing shows!

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This week we return through the death of Tim’s computer to bring you a new episode chocked full of bullshit and nonsense.  Kyle returns to the theater to see Keanu Reeves shoot everyone in the head in JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2,  A sequel that Kyle never even knew existed in HOUSE 4, and what happened when the apocalypse happens and you combine 37 different guns into one gun in a Roger Corman joint EQUALIZER 2000.  Plus a lot of other crap I’ve forgotten about.

 

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Episode 143 is up for your listening pleasure.

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This week Kyle finally gets Tim to talk about a movie he has been waiting for over 2 years to discuss. And that fine flick is GALAXY OF TERROR.  And since Kyle can’t come up with a copy of VAMP we decide to talk about something else in the Dolph Lundgren sci-fi alien drug dealer run amok I COME IN PEACE.  And as always we answer your listener questions, and talk about what we have been watching. Now download this episode and GO IN PIECES!!

 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

EPISODE 143

Gross Movie Reviews #320

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Gross Movie Reviews #320

 

By Tim Gross

 

Spiders (DVD) – Bootleg Jason Patric aka Patrick Muldoon Christa Campbell take on spiders from space in fake New York. Part of a Russian space station falls to earth into a subway and with it is an experimental spider that has already laid its egg for a queen. Soon the homeless disappear and huge ass spiders begin to fuck people up in this fun adventurous Space spider film. You usually cannot go wrong with mutated creatures from space and for that I am thankful as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Chilling Visions: 5 Senses of Fear (DVD) – Another anthology that tackles human’s five senses: Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch. As usual it’s a mixed bag and not everyone can have a “Creepshow” or “The Collective” anthology finished product. But don’t let that stop you from checking out this project as ‘Sight’ from Miko Hughes aka little kid from Pet Semetery… does amazing job and one of my favorite young filmmakers Emily Hagins brings a wonderful story for ‘touch’. I give the project 2 stars.

 

Oz the Great and Powerful (DVD) – These days no story or movie to be remade or reimagined is untouchable for Hollywood but to make it interesting they bring in filmmaking horror legend Sam Raimi. He was given the task to bring to life how Oz really became Oz along with the witches, ruby red shoes, and so on and so on. I am a fan of the original classic film that just reinvented cinema but was also able to enjoy this film for what it is ‘a prequel’. But saying that I do believe good, bad, or just dumb whatever your opinion is, Raimi brings a very unique style of filming to the movie and without him I most likely feel this movie adaption may have sucked an egg. But with him it made me take a break from massacre and gore films to watch something that is a little off the beaten path for my movie watching taste. For that I have to give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Creature (DVD) – No kiddos, not the William Malone feature from the early 80s, it’s a monster film about bayou hillbillies and incest that seem to get buried and not talked about by many. A group of young folk make their way to a haunted part of the bayou where a legend of a crazed half creature/half man roams the swamps and kills looking for his new bride. Sounds simple and cool enough but how about throw in Sid Haig leading a couple hillbilly brothers into the swamp trying to have the young folk killed by this legend to help please their god! Which did I mention apparently incest is a big part of this backwoods religion? Lots of gore, incest, practical make-up and creature, crazed hillbillies, and Sid Haig in one of his best roles since Captain Spaulding. I’m in every time to watch cool shit like this! Horror fans get off your high horse and give this flick a second chance as I give it 3 stars.

 

Wreckage (DVD) – Don’t walk but run away from this so called horror film that makes me believes the screenwriter may have issues? Car breaks down and four friends go to an old junkyard to get parts. Then dumb ass guy who hates his pregnant girlfriend shoots her by mistake and comes up with a corny welder’s masked character that kills people in a junkyard for kicks. I wanted to enjoy this movie but found myself disgusted with the film after watching the payoff. It still amazes me what gets released and what doesn’t as I give this horrid film a ½ star.

Splatter-Farm

Splatter Farm (DVD) – Been awhile since I have tracked down a Polonia Brothers film and reviewed it, so I figured it was time to sit down and watch the film that help make the Polonia Brothers a household name among ‘shot on video’ filmmakers. Having watched quite a few of the Polonia Brothers films over the years I wasn’t quite prepared for this no budget homage to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Most of the Polonia Brothers flicks are comedic or sci-fi flicks with a slasher or two thrown in for fun. So seeing this flick all the through made me have a whole new respect for their filmmaking talents. Two brothers go to visit their aunt who lives in farm country and happens to have an oddball dude living there helping her with chores. Soon the brothers become curious of the odd man and what he does out in the old farmhouse and that was a big mistake for the brothers as they come face to face with gritty brutality that is absolutely gut-wrenching! This film belongs for good reason in “you feel dirty after watching it” category! It’s a film I never thought the Polonia Brothers could do and they did and that is why I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Rock n Roll High School (DVD) – Or we should just call it the Roger Corman film that happens to star The Ramones and lots of their music! Basic storyline is all Riff Randall wants is to meet The Ramones and give Joey the songs she wrote. Plus her friend wants to get laid. That changes when her Ramones tickets are taken away for skipping three days of school to stand in line for them. Soon the principal wants to start a war with the students about Rock n Roll so she can discipline them and show them the right path in this perfect blend of music and comedy. The Corman film stars the likes of P.J. Soles, Clint Howard, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and The Ramones of course! I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Doc of the Dead (DVD) – Another great documentary that covers everything zombies from Max Brooks to George Romero to the black and white flick White Zombie. Lots of cool interviews and clips covering not only the history of movie zombies but even talking about people who actually prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Simon Pegg makes an appearance as does Greg Nicotero along with Tom Savini to show this documentary means business talking everything zombies. So zombie fans shamble to whenever you can a copy of this and enjoy as I give it 4 stars.

 

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Theater) – Been awhile since I been to the theater and what better way to do it than going opening weekend to see the summer film that brings together old and new X-men universes together. The war is all but lost in the future as Professor X and Magneto believe they have a way to change the future to change everything. This way mutants and humanity will survive the Sentinels. Wolverine’s conscious is sent back to 1973 to convince Professor X who has fallen on very hard times and Magneto who is imprisoned 1000 feet underground by the government to come together and stop Mystique/Raven from killing Trask the man who invented the Sentinels. They believe this the event that has set the war in motion and if stopped and changed history will change. The only one that would know of this is Wolverine if he succeeds, if not they all die. Everyone makes an appearance except Gambit in this amazing and wonderful summer film. This is the type of film all should enjoy as it brought out the inner kid in me while watching it. Enjoy this summer movie for what it is a fun popcorn superhero flick and stop being cynical as I give it 4 stars.

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Hopscotch (DVD) – A quite different short film from Kirsten Walsh who gives the viewer an intense curveball of an independent film that relies more on its dialogue and performances by its all-female cast than your usually boobs, shitty gore effects, and bad acting that a good portion of independent films rely on. I should know as I have watched and reviewed many as some believe too many at times. But always enjoy when a filmmaker like a Kirsten Walsh produces something like “Hopscotch” that makes you want to pay attention to all dialogue and also has a great uneasy feeling of not sure where the film may take you. But anyway Bridget is an escort who is brought to a big home by a young woman named Jolene. Bridget is there to service a character named Mr. Andre but never sees him when she gets into deep conversation with Jolene and a curious houseguest named Rebecca. From there the film blooms into this great creepy oddity that will have you wanting more especially after the film’s interesting ending. Big props to Kirsten Walsh for putting together an independent short film worth talking about as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the project at www.facebook.com/hopscotchfilm .

 

Get Crazy (YouTube/VHS) – An absolutely hilariously funny lost classic from 1983 about a man named Max Wolfe whom himself and staff are trying to put together a show for New Year’s at The Saturn Theater. Problem is Max Wolfe is dying or thinks he is and its up too Daniel Stern now. The real question is once you start watching is “who isn’t in this film” as all the Roger Corman regulars and then some make an appearance in this wacky film of putting a show together that also highlights Malcom McDowell talking to his penis! That alone should make you want to seek this wacky over the top gem. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Another new episode is up horror fans!

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This week Tim and Kyle go it alone but bring 2 great movies with them.  The first being the sequel to a Roger Corman rubber suited monster rape flick The Terror Within 2.  Then Kyle talks about his 2nd favorite movie of all time in 1982’s Disney masterpiece TRON.  Along the way we do the normal thing and break off into weird tangents or conversation… mostly consisting of pooping and Belladonna.  You know, like we normally tend to do. We also talk some Fulci flicks.  

……..END OF LINE 

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EPSIODE 103

COMMENTARY TRACK for the classic Humanoids From The Deep!

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Because we were bored late on a Saturday night. And it was Josh’s birthday. And because this film has it all! Cool Creatures, Hot naked chicks, Amazing special effects, gore, awesome perms on dudes, puppets, And MONSTER RAPE! The crew decided that as a sort of an apology for Skype being a total butthole the week before we would give you a little something extra.  So here it is. A commentary track for Humanoids from the deep featuring Tim, Kyle, and Josh…….  Did we mention Monster Rape?

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Humanoids