Gross Movie Reviews #503

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Gross Movie Reviews #503

 

Something Evil (YouTube) – An early 70s TV flick that stars Darren McGavin as part of a married couple who decides to buy an old country home out in the middle of nowhere. Problem is they picked the wrong home and it has some weird paranormal things happening Possibly Satan or just some demonic being. Being city folk and not sure how to deal with it they even look into getting a priest. Sounds cool if you’re a fan of this 70s TV stuff but even the die hards got to admit there isn’t much of a payoff when it is all said and done as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Panther Squad (DVD) – A crazy Sybil Danning flick from the early 80s about a new organization that has been formed called N.O.O.N. They would like to conquer space as most places on the planet except for a few select islands refuse to cooperate are all for this. So a group called “Clean Space” takes over the space rocket and holds it hostage. In response the governments okay a covert operation that calls in Danning’s character and her elite woman military squad. Besides looking like extras from a Duran Duran video they help track down Clean Space and put a stop to their tactics. Hilarious B-movie stuff that gets you Sybil Danning in skin tight leather throughout the feature, looking through binoculars for at least half of the film. Not totally sure if Full Moon actually has the rights but sure glad they put it out on DVD for all of us to enjoy. I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Quantum (Shudder) – Another twist on the zombie genre where a Native American community begins to see weird shit: gutted fish become alive again, dogs are dying, and then a drunken dude begins biting people. Not fully explained how it started this sends an Indian reservation into lockdown fighting off hordes of the undead. Six months later and the whole apocalypse has happened. The residents of the reservation have come to find out they are immune for an unknown reason. Now they discuss it a couple times why it might be… but they still need to survive as they can still be eaten and overtaken. Fighting among each other is their downfall as they fight over whether they should allow the white man into their secure community? Good amount of gore and a twist in the zombie genre makes the film an intriguing choice. I like the film but didn’t love it but feel no matter what kind of horror fan you are it does deserve a chance as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Easter Holocaust (DVD) – An independent holiday film that tackles the Easter Bunny that is just an absolutely too fucking long of a movie. EDITING IS NOT A BAD THING KIDS!!! The bunny happens to be an evil force that collects human hearts and a woman who escapes the local asylum is looking for evidence of the bunny existing. There is a whole boring storyline about the woman being the chosen one and a dumb hillbilly cannibal family. The only real redeeming thing about the whole film is a ‘Death by a Suction Cup Dildo!” Outside of that you can live your life without watching this as I give a half star. Thank me later from saving you to watch 2 plus hours of complete crap.

 

The Open Trail (DVD) – Another film from Dan Komarek that comes in about 34 minutes is about two friends Sam and Chris going on a hike in the woods. Things are going great until Sam falls off some high rocks and possibly breaking his leg. With friends not leaving friends behind Chris does his best to get Sam back close enough to get him help? But they both believe something or someone is just behind them at all times. After hearing gun shots in the distance Sam’s leg feels better to run but it’s too late as the two friends must face off with their unknown assailant. Mr. Komarek was smart to keep the film short as it is rough around the edges plot wise but more than makes up for it with the characters legit chemistry between them as they fight for their lives. You can see Dan Komarek is passionately trying to get better with each project and a lot of times that is what independent film fans want as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Motor Home Massacre (YouTube) – Some so-called friends jump into an old RV and go for a ride into the woods. That part of the woods (Black Creek) that just happened to have a murder or two in the night before. This doesn’t stop the friends from enjoying the quiet area for drinking and all the sex. Of course there is an unhappy psycho who is pissed all the sex is going down and people need to be killed with a bad plot twist. A lot of us love slasher films and a lot of us enjoy independent slashers but when the project has no heart from the beginning and looks like the story was dumped on film that is never good. Great title, disappointing film, which I am not thankful for as I give it a ½ star.

Bad CGI Sharks (DVD) – A brilliant story about two brothers Matthew and Jason who are very close in many ways as kids. As kids they wanted to make a shark movie like no other but eventually that dream was squished as their father considered Jason a lost cause. Many years later Mathew has grown up and living out in Hollywood! Mathew’s life is turned upside down when his older brother Jason shows up who just so happens to be a bum who still wants to make shark movies. After some fighting, smoking weed, and talking about their movie script with no ending they wrote as kids called, “Sharks Outta Water” a floating shark shows up! It first eats the neighbor but eventually it begins chasing the brothers. It seems a man with a magical clapper board as brought their childhood movie script to life and now they must deal with it in many hilarious ways. Don’t just rent, buy this fucking movie NOW! One of the most entertaining independent shark films ever made as I give this sure to be on the “Best of 2020 list” 4 out of 4 stars.

 

5G Zombies (On Demand) – Yep, leave it me to find another film trying to deal with the Corona Virus and of course it involves zombies. This independent film uses the 5G upgrades and the Corona Virus happening at the same time not a fluke. The upgrades is causing the virus to mutate and causing people to become zombies. Most of the film is a series of shorts spliced together of people doing their character parts over laptops and phones during the ongoing pandemic. Biggest difference between this film and the one from Full Moon is ‘5G Zombies’ goes out of its way to be serious where the other made it a joke from the start. Right or wrong in making these types of films during a pandemic can be debated forever but I just believe maybe this flick should have taken a clue from Full Moon. This film be forgotten quickly if even watched as I give it 1 star.

Killer Ants (On Demand) – A young couple (Evan and Cory) move to small town Texas from New York for a teaching job. Cory enjoyed New York very much and finds the move hard to adjust especially because she keeps getting bit by fire ants and a specialist in fire ants, Olivia has shown interest in Evan. While Cory becomes an amazing shitty cuntface of a character the fire ants have begun to mutate, growing larger, and acting much different than their species dictates. After the wonderful death of Cory in a fridge Olivia tries to not bang Evan on her gravesite in order to find out what is the real cause of her death. The real cause leads to something much more sinister than Olivia and Evan are prepared for. Kudos to the writer, filmmaker, and actress making up one of the most unlikable characters in a movie I have had the pleasure of watching die in a horror movie and for that I give this flick 3 stars.

 

The Strangeness (DVD) – An odd low budget flick that was filmed in 1980 but wasn’t released until 1985 into horror film obscurity. The film has found DVD recently allowing weirdos like me to watch the film and compare it to a film like ‘The Boogens’. A group of people are being paid to chart an abandoned mine called “Golden Spike Mine”. Abandoned many years ago because missing miners and miners refusing to work because of stories of a monster living in the mine. When a cave-in mishap happens the group chooses to go deeper in the mine thinking they can avoid the part of the mine with the stories of monsters. An unseen creature picks them off one by one as they go deeper into the mine until the creature is revealed and it’s a big Vagina! If that wasn’t enough listen to music as I believe John Carpenter might wanna get a lawsuit together? For me the film was neither good nor bad but was just happy to see this low budget mess as I give it 2 stars.

Zombie House Party Massacre (YouTube) – Finally a no budget film that lives up to its name as zombies are just trying to live civil lives in their home. But damn young humans come to rush the house to party and have unprotected sex! The zombies stay quiet in the upstairs room until one of the party goers hear the baby and take it. The zombies just wanting their zombie baby back chase the humans throughout the home and call for help from their zombie friends. What makes it hilarious as they chase the humans around the home they make fun of themselves that they must act a certain way in order to stay scary. Otherwise they are no different than any of us until they finally had enough and start eating the humans to get the zombie baby back! The short film is absolutely wonderful and I could not stop laughing at the zombie jokes as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

GROSSFEST IS COMING JULY 25TH AND 26TH, 2020… GO TO WWW.GROSSFEST.COM  FOR DETAILS!

Gross Movie Reviews #469

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Gross Movie Reviews #469

 

The Texas Roadside Massacre (DVD) – Five college kids roll through a small town called Blue Ridge. Karen and friends soon find themselves stranded after getting a hole in the fuel tank of their SUV. They are in for a fight of their lives as if they don’t they will become the next meal at the locally famous Blue Ridge BBQ restaurant. These days the movie can be found on DVD as “Roadside Massacre” as I give it 1 star.

 

Zombie Island Massacre (DVD) – Some stupid Americans on vacation take a cruise to an island where they witness a ceremony that brings the dead back to life. Of course most believe its fake but enough believe it was actually real. When they go back to the bus to leave they find it broken down and the guide missing. So they find themselves wandering through the jungle being picked off one by one by some zombie like creatures. A bit boring but still made it through for its laughable ending. The film’s composer is Harry Manfredini and you can possibly find this movie listed as “The Last Picnic” in some countries as I give it 1 star.

 

Witchtrap (DVD) – Kevin Tenney’s follow-up to “Witchboard” is this low budget film that stars Linnea Quigley and about a haunted mansion. Devon Lauder now owns the Avery mansion and wants to fix it up to be a bed and breakfast. But before that happens he hires paranormal experts to go investigate and make the home ‘safe’. Just to make sure nothing gets too rough a couple rent-a-cops are sent in with the team. The ghost that haunts the mansion wreaks havoc among the experts killing their miserable asses one by one. The film is nowhere near as good as “Witchboard” but has a wonderful shower kill scene involving Linnea Quigley as I give the film 2 stars.

Demons of the Night (DVD) – So Dan Komarek – filmmaker/independent horror fan has finally unleashed on the public a flick he made in 2008 with some friends. I like to believe the film was hidden somewhere in somebody’s dusty ass basement! The truth is somewhere along the way a lot of the original footage and sound were lost. But there is enough of a finished film to make some sense of what goes on…? A priest known as Father Richards shows up at Paul’s house to predict the devil or something is going to rise in six days on Halloween. Mr. Richards and Paul head to the woods known as Sword Valley searching for a graveyard. They get lost and separated and the priest encounters several weird ass people and creatures. Their main goal is to stop this from happening by any means. But just like many first independent projects there are many flaws. Dan the film is bad but I still felt entertained as it had a nostalgic feel to it while watching. The film felt like I stumbled upon an unfinished project from Jon McBride and the Polonia Brothers. Yes the sound issues did make the film very hard to follow but it was still fun and sometimes that is all you can ask for as I give it 1 out of 4 stars.

 

Litost (DVD) – A very different independent film from Cody Rapp who comes out from the beginning to let you the viewer know the film was made without a script and budget on purpose. Even though no definition for the word ‘Litost’ is actually found in the dictionary the word is being defined as – is a state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s misery. We are introduced to the main character who says little throughout the film waking up in his bedroom. Every day he wakes, go to work, come back home, fights his illness. Rinse and repeat like most of us. Some public domain film footage from several films is used throughout the movie to move the story along. In the end to me at least it has that ‘art film’ feel to it as its expressing this character’s rage. Stay tuned until the end of the film to understand. I give it 2 out 4 stars for being more different than anything and most likely I am not the audience this film is aimed at but hey Mr. Rapp you did make a film so that is its own reward! I do have to mention I found one scene a little creepy when the main character eye balls the camera while forcing out his afternoon grumpy! And plus he didn’t wash his hands…

 

Massacre Mafia Style (Blu-ray) – A wonderful exploitation film that was written, produced, directed and starred in by Duke Mitchell as Mimi. Mimi is exiled to Italy at the age of 15 because of his father being a mafia boss who gets caught in the U.S. so he is exiled. Two years after his son is born and his wife dies of cancer Mimi wants to head back to the U.S. and take over all the bookies and hookers. Of course Mimi heads to Hollywood to do this and looks up an old friend to help him make this happen. Together the two guns down every pimp, bookie, and mafia person that gets in their way. He goes legit to make pornos among other things to not rein blood in the streets. After his best friend is killed he decides it is time to head back to Italy and settle. The film has over the top action and is the ADD version of “The Godfather”. Can’t sit for three hours to watch a mafia film then watch this as it gets it done in a little over 82 minutes as I give it 3 stars.

 

Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre (YouTube) – Mason and friends don’t agree with their college professor on his teachings. They believe it is all mumbo jumbo so they get drunk, drive to the professor’s house, and decide hey it’s cool to kill his whole family. But the professor does survive the attack and awakes to find out his family is dead so from his hospital bed conjures a demon! This demon kills the four college students one by one as the man lies in bed. The film is mostly known for Christopher Lee doing the narration before and after the film. But here was the kicker Mr. Lee was filmed by another producer in 1976 for a project that never happened and the footage was sold to the producers of thus said film. Mr. Lee supposedly lawyered up to take the producer to court but thought twice because of the time and money to get his name off the film… You can find the film grainy and in its glory on YouTube as I give it 1 ½ stars. This massacre title wasn’t horrible but wasn’t good either and you will most likely forget what you watched literally within hours of it.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019