Gross Movie Reviews #326

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Gross Movie Reviews #326

 

By Tim Gross

 

Chilling Visions: 5 States of Fear (Chiller Channel/DVD) – Another anthology from the horror channel Chiller that is now trying to not only have its own programming but buying different titles as they grow. First story was “Ego Death” where a man is haunted by a mistake he thought he buried? Second story which I thought was the best one is “Separation” where an old man is being forced from his home by his daughter because he may have memory loss? Great ending… Third story is “Mutilation” where a city couple goes camping on land that is declared a biohazard? It’s gory but you route for the stupid people to have a quick death to move on to the next story. The fourth story is “Extinction” where a young woman comes back from the dead to ask her mother to kill her murderer?  The fifth story is “Loss of Autonomy”. This one wasn’t bad but interesting as a woman who is getting divorced from her husband abuses him after he has a stroke. Anthologies can be tough because it’s hard to keep it going through all the stories so I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Deep in the Darkness (Chiller Channel/DVD) – This is the type of flick that pisses me off because when watching it I really want to like it not wanting the wife to be killed twenty minutes in. But anyway a family moves to a small community where they don’t have cable TV, have a curfew, and just happen to have some cannibalistic creatures hanging out in the woods that eats people who don’t obey the ways of the community. If it is 1976 this movie is relevant, but its 2014 this is not happening people. If it was my movie, wife dies twenty minutes in and my ass goes all “Day of the Dead” on the community and the creatures if I cannot make it out which the town has like one old ass cop… Fuck this flick it can go suck Mothra’s dick! I give it 1 star just because it had Dean Stockwell in it.

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Curtains (Blu-ray) – A long lost early 80s slasher that has been released on DVD in Canada a few years back and seen a horrible rerelease on one of those 6 or 8 packs at Wal-Mart. The film stars John Vernon who is known for his legendary roles in “Animal House” and “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. John Vernon is a director named Jonathan Stryker who is hard man to work with and has asked six actresses out to his home to audition for a legendary role! The six actresses work hard in the sheets or out of them to get the part of a lifetime. Soon they begin to die in great bloody fashion one by one with a storyline that gives you a little twist at the end that makes you wanna pay attention throughout the slasher film. This relatively unknown but considered a cult classic among some horror fans finally gets a proper release that it has always deserved. I say kudos to Synapse Films to possibly doing the best job ever in not only restoring an older horror film that looks absolutely beautiful on the Blu-ray format but also including some of the most interesting extras I have seen on a disc in quite some time. A true fan of the film will gush over the original behind the scenes footage and the new retrospective on the making of “Curtains”. Synapse Films did things with this film I did not think would be possible so with that horror fans you should not run, but rampage your way to www.synapse-films.com and pick up your copy now! I give 3 out of 4 stars for the film but 4 out of 4 stars for the overall packaging and release Synapse gives to us fans. Don May Jr. and all involved I applaud you.

 

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator (VHS) – Fuck yeah this horrible flick exists and if you are lucky you can watch it in all its horrible glory on YouTube! I give it 2 stars for just existing…

 

Endless Descent (VHS) – With “Leviathan” and “Deep Star Six” released around 1990 it’s no wonder that most horror fans didn’t know this straight-to-video release existed? But with its limited budget this sci-fi horror flick is a very watchable film about a submarine and its crew trying to find answers about another experimental submarine disappearing at the bottom of the ocean? I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Alien 2: Sulla Terra (VHS) – I live to abuse myself with horrible horror flicks as I found this Eye-talian “Alien” rip-off, sort of… Some so called geologists or whatever goes down into some caves only to be stalked by some weird creature that is eating them and times looks like a weird vagina eating people! You go watch this shit if you don’t believe me as I give it 1 star.

 

The Devil’s Rain (DVD) – This TBS Superstation classic proved why you don’t fuck with Ernest Borgnine as he is a leader of Satanists for the past 300 years or so who live in a ghost town and like to suck souls out of people that don’t believe. This 1975 classic had it all. William Shatner getting tortured, Tom Skeritt pissed because the locals refuse to help, and a young John Travolta! I hate to tell today’s filmmakers this Satanist flick kicks your PG-13 shit right in the fucking nutsack and makes you get on your knees to praise Ernest Borgnine  as one bad ass devil worshipper. Give the flick 3 ½ stars and hail Satan!

 

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (DVD) – It may star Debbie Gibson, Elisabeth Rohm, and that “Stargate” TV dude in this disappointing mutant animal mash-up. Mega Shark is loose and threatens humanity so the military builds a mechanical shark to fight back before Mega Shark eats everything. This movie seems boring and uninteresting unlike the many that have come before it like it is missing something like a Vernon Wells or a Corin Nemac? I would stare clear of this flick and stick with some of the past Asylum Entertainment mash-ups as I give this flick 1 star.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy (Theater) – If anything this film proves Marvel can do anything at this point. After a kid is abducted when he was twelve and he becomes a ‘Ravager’ which retrieves things legally and illegally for a price. Now as an adult or Starlord he enjoys being known as is asked to retrieve a rock that just so happens to have an ancient power source that could destroy planets. Soon in a space prison with a talking tree, a green woman assassin, a talking mutant raccoon, and a muscle bound lunatic they make a plan to break out of the space prison and go find this stone to get paid. If they can work together long enough they may just save worlds. Like I said, Marvel can do anything now and this film proves it as this isn’t your run of the mill comic book characters everyone knows. The “Guardians of the Galaxy” universe is lesser known to the mainstream but has a huge rabid following among comic book readers for years. James Gunn and company have made a Marvel movie that may appeal to all audiences as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Sharknado 2: The Second One (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Ian Ziering and Tara Reid travel to New York for family time and a book signing only to be followed by a couple “Sharknados”. Movie loses a little of its cheese the first flick had and gains a crap load of cameos that if you blink you may miss one of them? This time around Ian’s character is faced with even a bigger challenge: double the amount of “Sharknados” and Tara Reid missing a hand it doesn’t stop him from chainsawing up a few sharks and almost blowing up entire building to stop the catastrophic event! I will say this with a third film in development they may have to have alien sharks or have it set in space as you watch this sequel the bad idea but fun to watch is coming to an end. I give this fun cameo-filled sequel 2 ½ stars and pray we get Sharknado vs. Leprechaun vs. Jason X on Earth 2!!! Oh yeah I went there…

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

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Gross Movie Reviews #320

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Gross Movie Reviews #320

 

By Tim Gross

 

Spiders (DVD) – Bootleg Jason Patric aka Patrick Muldoon Christa Campbell take on spiders from space in fake New York. Part of a Russian space station falls to earth into a subway and with it is an experimental spider that has already laid its egg for a queen. Soon the homeless disappear and huge ass spiders begin to fuck people up in this fun adventurous Space spider film. You usually cannot go wrong with mutated creatures from space and for that I am thankful as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Chilling Visions: 5 Senses of Fear (DVD) – Another anthology that tackles human’s five senses: Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch. As usual it’s a mixed bag and not everyone can have a “Creepshow” or “The Collective” anthology finished product. But don’t let that stop you from checking out this project as ‘Sight’ from Miko Hughes aka little kid from Pet Semetery… does amazing job and one of my favorite young filmmakers Emily Hagins brings a wonderful story for ‘touch’. I give the project 2 stars.

 

Oz the Great and Powerful (DVD) – These days no story or movie to be remade or reimagined is untouchable for Hollywood but to make it interesting they bring in filmmaking horror legend Sam Raimi. He was given the task to bring to life how Oz really became Oz along with the witches, ruby red shoes, and so on and so on. I am a fan of the original classic film that just reinvented cinema but was also able to enjoy this film for what it is ‘a prequel’. But saying that I do believe good, bad, or just dumb whatever your opinion is, Raimi brings a very unique style of filming to the movie and without him I most likely feel this movie adaption may have sucked an egg. But with him it made me take a break from massacre and gore films to watch something that is a little off the beaten path for my movie watching taste. For that I have to give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Creature (DVD) – No kiddos, not the William Malone feature from the early 80s, it’s a monster film about bayou hillbillies and incest that seem to get buried and not talked about by many. A group of young folk make their way to a haunted part of the bayou where a legend of a crazed half creature/half man roams the swamps and kills looking for his new bride. Sounds simple and cool enough but how about throw in Sid Haig leading a couple hillbilly brothers into the swamp trying to have the young folk killed by this legend to help please their god! Which did I mention apparently incest is a big part of this backwoods religion? Lots of gore, incest, practical make-up and creature, crazed hillbillies, and Sid Haig in one of his best roles since Captain Spaulding. I’m in every time to watch cool shit like this! Horror fans get off your high horse and give this flick a second chance as I give it 3 stars.

 

Wreckage (DVD) – Don’t walk but run away from this so called horror film that makes me believes the screenwriter may have issues? Car breaks down and four friends go to an old junkyard to get parts. Then dumb ass guy who hates his pregnant girlfriend shoots her by mistake and comes up with a corny welder’s masked character that kills people in a junkyard for kicks. I wanted to enjoy this movie but found myself disgusted with the film after watching the payoff. It still amazes me what gets released and what doesn’t as I give this horrid film a ½ star.

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Splatter Farm (DVD) – Been awhile since I have tracked down a Polonia Brothers film and reviewed it, so I figured it was time to sit down and watch the film that help make the Polonia Brothers a household name among ‘shot on video’ filmmakers. Having watched quite a few of the Polonia Brothers films over the years I wasn’t quite prepared for this no budget homage to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Most of the Polonia Brothers flicks are comedic or sci-fi flicks with a slasher or two thrown in for fun. So seeing this flick all the through made me have a whole new respect for their filmmaking talents. Two brothers go to visit their aunt who lives in farm country and happens to have an oddball dude living there helping her with chores. Soon the brothers become curious of the odd man and what he does out in the old farmhouse and that was a big mistake for the brothers as they come face to face with gritty brutality that is absolutely gut-wrenching! This film belongs for good reason in “you feel dirty after watching it” category! It’s a film I never thought the Polonia Brothers could do and they did and that is why I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Rock n Roll High School (DVD) – Or we should just call it the Roger Corman film that happens to star The Ramones and lots of their music! Basic storyline is all Riff Randall wants is to meet The Ramones and give Joey the songs she wrote. Plus her friend wants to get laid. That changes when her Ramones tickets are taken away for skipping three days of school to stand in line for them. Soon the principal wants to start a war with the students about Rock n Roll so she can discipline them and show them the right path in this perfect blend of music and comedy. The Corman film stars the likes of P.J. Soles, Clint Howard, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and The Ramones of course! I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Doc of the Dead (DVD) – Another great documentary that covers everything zombies from Max Brooks to George Romero to the black and white flick White Zombie. Lots of cool interviews and clips covering not only the history of movie zombies but even talking about people who actually prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Simon Pegg makes an appearance as does Greg Nicotero along with Tom Savini to show this documentary means business talking everything zombies. So zombie fans shamble to whenever you can a copy of this and enjoy as I give it 4 stars.

 

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Theater) – Been awhile since I been to the theater and what better way to do it than going opening weekend to see the summer film that brings together old and new X-men universes together. The war is all but lost in the future as Professor X and Magneto believe they have a way to change the future to change everything. This way mutants and humanity will survive the Sentinels. Wolverine’s conscious is sent back to 1973 to convince Professor X who has fallen on very hard times and Magneto who is imprisoned 1000 feet underground by the government to come together and stop Mystique/Raven from killing Trask the man who invented the Sentinels. They believe this the event that has set the war in motion and if stopped and changed history will change. The only one that would know of this is Wolverine if he succeeds, if not they all die. Everyone makes an appearance except Gambit in this amazing and wonderful summer film. This is the type of film all should enjoy as it brought out the inner kid in me while watching it. Enjoy this summer movie for what it is a fun popcorn superhero flick and stop being cynical as I give it 4 stars.

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Hopscotch (DVD) – A quite different short film from Kirsten Walsh who gives the viewer an intense curveball of an independent film that relies more on its dialogue and performances by its all-female cast than your usually boobs, shitty gore effects, and bad acting that a good portion of independent films rely on. I should know as I have watched and reviewed many as some believe too many at times. But always enjoy when a filmmaker like a Kirsten Walsh produces something like “Hopscotch” that makes you want to pay attention to all dialogue and also has a great uneasy feeling of not sure where the film may take you. But anyway Bridget is an escort who is brought to a big home by a young woman named Jolene. Bridget is there to service a character named Mr. Andre but never sees him when she gets into deep conversation with Jolene and a curious houseguest named Rebecca. From there the film blooms into this great creepy oddity that will have you wanting more especially after the film’s interesting ending. Big props to Kirsten Walsh for putting together an independent short film worth talking about as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the project at www.facebook.com/hopscotchfilm .

 

Get Crazy (YouTube/VHS) – An absolutely hilariously funny lost classic from 1983 about a man named Max Wolfe whom himself and staff are trying to put together a show for New Year’s at The Saturn Theater. Problem is Max Wolfe is dying or thinks he is and its up too Daniel Stern now. The real question is once you start watching is “who isn’t in this film” as all the Roger Corman regulars and then some make an appearance in this wacky film of putting a show together that also highlights Malcom McDowell talking to his penis! That alone should make you want to seek this wacky over the top gem. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.