This week we return through the death of Tim’s computer to bring you a new episode chocked full of bullshit and nonsense. Kyle returns to the theater to see Keanu Reeves shoot everyone in the head in JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2, A sequel that Kyle never even knew existed in HOUSE 4, and what happened when the apocalypse happens and you combine 37 different guns into one gun in a Roger Corman joint EQUALIZER 2000. Plus a lot of other crap I’ve forgotten about.
Gross Movie Reviews #396
Grave Mistake (DVD) – Yep, it was a huge mistake in watching this independent zombie film. I love independent films to a fault but every once in a while I come across garbage. And this flick is worse than the chemical waste dumped on a graveyard (in New Mexico) that creates zombies as they munch on the locals. But luckily Phil Baker wrote a book “Survival Guide of the Undead” to help his friends at the auto shop that they are trapped in when the apocalypse goes down. Disappointed the Phil Baker character gets killed off quickly but this movie should have been also. I give the flick 0 stars.
Awaken the Dead (DVD) – Found another independent zombie movie to annoy the shit out of me as a priest and woman try to defend themselves in a home being attacked by flesh eaters! Apparently, if you make it grainy, slow motion, and dramatic it’s supposed to be taken more serious? Nope! That is why yinz folks have me watching and taking my life into my own hands when trying to swim through the crap. You got it, 0 stars.
Madhouse (DVD) – A much underrated Vincent Price and Peter Cushing film and that is saying a lot as I call it a role reversal type of horror film for these two actors. Vincent Price is Paul Toombs aka Dr. Death. A popular character that has been a part of several horror films where the character kills the leading lady. Finally, after many years Paul is marrying one of his leading ladies at their New Year’s Party. Instead, someone playing the Dr. Death character decides to decapitate Paul’s fiancée. Thus sending Paul to an asylum for many years, some believing he killed her as Dr. Death. Once released Peter Cushing’s character has written a Dr. Death TV series and wants Toombs back as the lead role. Problem, everyone is dying who has a disagreement with Paul but there is a twist? Its creepy, it’s fun, and nice to see these guys in opposite roles! I give this mid-70s beauty 3 ½ stars.
Grim (DVD) – Four people play with an Ouija board to try and bring forth a spirit or something to contact? Instead they awaken a terrible troll that is able to phase through cave walls and eat humans. After some mine subsidence a group of people go into the caves to see what the problem is and found the troll that was conjured up. A mid-90s horror flick that feeds into the 1990s sucked for horror as I give it 1 star.
At Midnight I’ll Take Your Corpse (DVD) – Synapse Films is overjoyed to bring Coffin Joe fans his original trilogy that has gained a cult like support over the years in the US. The first film released in 1964 introduces viewers to the man “Coffin Joe”, an undertaker who is not thrilled of religion and scares the shit out of his small town. His main reason for his anger is his wife cannot have children or a male child in this case that will carry on his legacy. The undertaker becomes overwhelmed with the beauty of his best friend’s fiancée and makes advances. When he is denied, he kills his best friend Antonio and defies what the gypsy’s warnings to take advantage of her! But as we all know your past can come back and haunt you as does to Coffin Joe. It is considered Brazil’s first horror film and knocked down some doors internationally as Coffin Joe is considered a horror icon by most. This disc has all kinds of goodies that include: an intro, a short film for fans of Coffin Joe, trailers, Making of, a new scene and of course the amazing work done with the transfer that Synapse does every time. I give the disc 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .
This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse (DVD) – Coffin Joe returns in the direct sequel somehow surviving the horror he went through at the end of the film ‘At Midnight I’ll Take Your Corpse’. The angry ghosts of his past don’t get the job done and Coffin Joe heals up in a hospital bed until he is able to stand again. Once well, he regains his job as undertaker for the small town and with help from his hunchback he begins his search for the perfect woman. A woman that is worthy to carry his offspring and legacy of starting a new race of people. As he kidnaps wives and girlfriends he makes the mistake of killing a pregnant woman during his torturing process. Even with finding the perfect woman he is haunted by his past sins and has a visit to hell! The transfer is excellent as usual and has a few goodies that Coffin Joe fans will be happy with including the film having “the hell” scene placed back in the film and a visit to the Coffin Joe museum. Cool stuff once again from the Synapse crew as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be found out at www.synapse-films.com .
Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned (DVD) – Oh it’s just Chuck’s bachelor party and it just so happens the strippers that show up to the weekend party are vampires. Surprise, surprise they are there to fuck and have a bite to eat? The ugly boobs, the poor excuse for acting, and crappy effects are what make you all damned if you watch this flick. But again that is why I exist to find and watch this poo that makes out there in movie world. Thank the lord Rutger Hauer it was less than 75 minutes as I give it 0 stars.
Getting Schooled (DVD/Vimeo) – So it’s Spring 1983, and some high schoolers have been sent to detention. Ron Jeremy the school janitor sticks around long enough to make a few jokes as Mr. Roker is about to do role call for detention. Mr. Roker pulls down the projector screen and flies back up hitting the wheelchair bound teacher in the face. Thus knocking him out and the kids wondering what the hell to do with him if he is dead? When he comes too Mr. Roker has Vietnam flashbacks and threatens to kill everyone in detention as they are the enemy. The “Cat and Mouse” game begins as Mr. Roker escapes into the ceiling after being tied down and teenagers search for him only to be killed off one by one. You get the point it is ‘The Breakfast Club’ if it’s a horror film and has its fun moments but also has some flaws. This independent film will find its niche as a lot of horror movie fans are enjoying the retro horror stuff that is being released. I give this new flick from Midnight Releasing 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at: www.midnightreleasing.com .
Ghostbusters (DVD/remake) – Good, bad, indifferent, no matter how you feel about this flick it didn’t deserve the flack it got. Now saying that, the original is far superior but we all knew that going in… right? This time around its four women who form the group the ‘Ghostbusters’ as paranormal stuff is off the scale in New York recently. These four women all with different names than the original go to investigate the source of the paranormal surge and quickly find out it’s a human trying to break the vortex between worlds. He hates the world and wants everyone to pay for his misery. Loved Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones characters and laughed quite a few times at the Chris Hemsworth. The film isn’t terrible, but it’s not great, the flick just exists which is saying a hell of a lot more compared to some remakes of the past as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Equalizer 2000 (DVD) – Found another post-apocalyptic film from the same dude that gave us ‘Future Hunters’, Robert Patrick, and ‘Wheels of Fire’. This time around its a hundred years after the nuclear winter set in Alaska where humans are still at war over oil! A man named Slade is considered a deserter by the heavily armed group called “the Ownership”. Slade helps a young woman running from Robert Patrick and his gang of rejects! In return she takes him to her peaceful compound to get fixed up and find the “Mean Gun”. Slade helps fix and perfect this weapon to fire back at The Ownership when they demand more water. But while protecting the compound Slade loses his girl and eventually the gun and it all comes down to one big war for The Ownership to be overthrown so we all can live in a peaceful world. Just another fun and cheesy ‘Road Warrior’ rip-off, that never gets old as I give it 2 ½ stars.
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