Gross Movie Reviews #530

0

Gross Movie Reviews #530

 

Russian Terminator (DVD/YouTube) – You may also find the film under a better title ‘The Russian Ninja’ which actually makes much more sense if you have the pleasure of watching it. A bootleg Kenny Rodgers or the dude that failed to get the role for “The Most Interesting Man” in beer commercials comes out of retirement because of blackmail. He is to help some rich dude get his daughter back off of some bad dudes because he is considered “The Human Equalizer” for the East and West. Now enters a ninja for no real reason in this Russian/English flick to save the daughter as bootleg Kenny Rodgers gets his ass kicked throughout the film. There is no doubt this action film is bad but it is hilarious bad and worth the watch when you and all your friends need to do a drunken watch of something random aka “should have played in the VH room in the heyday of conventions”. I give such fare 2 stars just for being so dull but so hilarious at the same time.

 

Holland Road Massacre: The Legend of Pigman (Blu-ray) – Another independent project from filmmaker Emir Skalonja. The story is about some weird dude in the woods that wears a pig mask, lives there, and oh yeah enjoys killing all those who trespass. For no reason at all the locals ignore the stories of these events on Holland Road and venture into the woods during winter only to die a horrible death. Meanwhile a detective from the city investigates the legend as his daughter is one of the victims. The film has the usual good premise, great mask for the killer, but terrible story/script. There was a movie for this horror character ‘Pigman’ but it wasn’t what I watched and I do not like this new trend in low budget horror where we try to tie up any loose or bad plot holes at the end of the film because it worked in a couple recent debatable big budget horror films. AKA last two minutes will be explained to you so you accept what you just watched? Nope… stop it now folks because it kills me to say bad things about independent horror movies and this had something just not the payoff you will be looking for as I give it a 1 star just for the Pigman.

 

No Blade of Grass (DVD) – Slacking in your post-apocalyptic movie watching or need something off the radar? Well here is a lesser known but very depressing and cool British film from 1970 that doesn’t fuck around. The film begins in a football stadium explaining we humans are killing off everything (50 years later we still fucking shit up!) along with visions of oil fields, mining, pollution, etc. This leads into John a central character of the film who is debating about fleeing London before they close it down. Radio and TV broadcasts in the background constantly tell us the viewer it is a grass disease that is killing off the human population and animals. So John, family, and a young scientist pack up to go to the countryside where his brother owns land and it will be easier to defend themselves there. Along the way John and the others must fight and claw their way to this safe place even it means having his own brother killed for survival. A brutal slow burn that is a treat for post-apocalyptic fans like myself as I give it 3 stars.

 

Devil Doll (DVD) – Always wondered where R. L. Stine of ‘Goosebumps’ may have gotten his idea for the dummy story then don’t look any further than this 1964 creepy flick? The Great Vorelli was obsessed with being famous and hypnotizes his assistant Hugo to transfer his soul to a dummy for his act. When Mark a reporter is asked to do a story on The Great Vorelli things start to unravel as it is found out Vorelli might not be so great after all as he uses and steals people’s souls? It is weird, offbeat, something to keep in mind when looking for something different to watch next time as I give it 2 stars.

 

Ebola Rex vs. Murder Hornets (DVD) – Of course you had me at the title but bottom line is this movie doesn’t live up to its title. The filmmaker missed the point of the title… ‘Ebola Rex vs. Murder Hornets’ it never happened dude. You made a 60 minute movie of filler! I love Brinke Stevens but she seems wasted in this my friend. Dustin I respect your overall work but this was a huge miss as I got to give this film 0 stars.  

 

Cowgirls vs. Pterodactyls (DVD) – It is 1864 in small town Texas and the old west town just so happens to be under attack by a dinosaur or pterodactyl to be precise. An outlaw named Bunny Parker is hired by a woman Rebecca Crawford whose husband has been taken by the flying dinosaur but they are joined by others who want a piece of this dinosaur. Even though there is a stupid plot point about a prostitute carrying dinosaur eggs (which isn’t fully explained) the women saddle up and track down this dinosaur menace that has been left out of the history books. A super cheeseball and surprisingly entertaining monster film made with hardly no money gets an A for effort as I give this film 2 ½ stars. Give it a watch kids!

 

King Solomon’s Mines (DVD/YouTube) – A mid-80s bootleg Indiana Jones film that also stars John Rhys-Davies as a villain so it has to be worth watching at least once. Richard Chamberlin stars as Quartermain the adventurer who helps a young lady Jesse (Sharon Stone) search for her father as the Germans have kidnapped him to find some mysterious mines. Even Quartermain laughs at the idea of these mines existing and being filled with riches but goes along for the ride anyway. Of course hijinks and bad green screen effects happen as the legends are true about the mines and Quartermain follows clues from a small statue in hopes of beating the Germans to the treasures. The film is fun and stupid and something to throw on a Saturday afternoon full of boredom as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Spare Parts (On Demand) – A Canadian flick in which an all-girl band Ms. 45 has just hit the long road of touring bars and was almost killed by a looney trying to run them off the road. This causes their tour van to have a flat. Luckily a cop comes past and helps them get a tow to a junkyard outside of this small town. The girls suddenly find themselves in some trouble when they are locked into an office in hopes of their van being fixed and weird stuff being found in the junk cars in the junkyard. The four girls awaken to missing their arms so weapons could be attached to them for fighting in a Thunderdome-like atmosphere in front of the townsfolk who believe in some fake god that wants blood! They make it through the gridiron the first time through and now the all-girl band is being trained for some special combat that has been foreseen by this god? This flick starts off crazy, gory, and right to the point but seems to slow itself down with a sort of love story instead of staying weird, crazy, and to the point. The film has a wonderful spark but it flames out with a so-so finish but I still give it 3 stars.

 

The Perfume of the Lady in Black (DVD/YouTube) – Sylvia is a hard working person who is always trying to stay on top of her projects. But Sylvia begins having weird visions that are not quite explained as she is also unsure of why this is happening to her? Sylvia keeps getting more weirded out by things as the film moves along but that is only when she isn’t banging her man Roberto who isn’t totally sure of Sylvia other than he is getting laid! I would like to say Sylvia in some perverse way lost her mind from the beginning but eventually I finally found a giallo I just couldn’t follow. A weird one for the Giallo experts to converse about as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Space Clown (DVD) – A found footage film with a comedic aspect to it as Graham Skipper just bought a camera so he can film his girlfriend and him making porn. Being denied by the girlfriend he uses the camera to go outside that night and film the meteor shower that just happens to drop space debris on their guest house. Graham only finds a circus horn and thinks nothing more of it as his best friend comes over to play drunken Nintendo hockey. Then the fun begins as a space clown shows up to cause chaos in Graham’s life and use his new camera to document everything. This low budget alien clownfest is annoying yet funny as hell as I give it 3 stars.

Land of the Minotaur (DVD) – Peter Cushing is a high priest who is controlling a child to sacrifice two outsiders to set up this film about potential present day devil worshipping. Donald Pleasence is a normal priest who doesn’t diddle kids that is worried about the two young outsiders who disappeared and were sacrificed. Pleasence tries to warn more young outsiders who come to investigate an archeological find they made recently but knows it’s no use. When they disappear within days of arriving Mr. Pleasence calls in his detective friend from New York to help go into the countryside and discover what is going on near these ancient ruins that are considered evil or “The Devil’s work”. Once they figure out the old Baron (Cushing) isn’t someone that can be defeated by mere bullets they sneak back into the chambers to fight the devil’s work and minions with something much stronger? Great casting for the film with Cushing and Pleasence about devil worship that doesn’t get dull even for being a film made 45 years ago and yes that is a dong on that Minotaur statue shoots flames out of its nostrils. Three star devil worship that entertains the whole way through and meant to be experienced again.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #477

0

Gross Movie Reviews #477

 

Brightburn (On Demand) – Spoiler alert people imagine if Superman came to Earth and was raised on a farm and instead of thinking he is supposed to save humanity? He is to rule and destroy them all. At first he doesn’t want to hurt anyone but soon the voices in his head convince it is time to fuck everybody up. Wasn’t expecting a lot but it entertains and I enjoyed the ending since it wasn’t your cookie cutter happy ending that a lot of people tend to expect. I give it 2 stars. The film isn’t bad, it wasn’t good, just one of those you will forget quickly.

 

Unholy Rollers (DVD) – A forgotten early 70s film starring Claudia Jennings in a roller derby film produced by Roger Corman. Claudia plays a woman named Karen who has just quit her cat food job because she is tired of all the sexual harassment and wants something different in life. Along comes the local roller derby tryout that is looking for fresh faces and like wrestling is popular and pre-determined. With two other people out of many Karen is hired for not just her looks, but spunk or as the roller derby owner kept saying sportsmanship! Karen becomes a quick hit with fans which means money and fame but also jealously among the teams as they don’t like Karen looks down on them. As quickly as Karen gets big in the sport she burns out in the big climax of the film where she just goes batshit crazy. Fun 70s movie stuff that never gets old as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Paralyzed With Fear (DVD) – Mr. Glenn Berggoetz is back with another tale of horror as Glenn doesn’t just stick to one genre proving he is a talented independent filmmaker that keeps you guessing. This time around in the opening scene a woman and her husband are in a serious car accident that has her husband die from his injuries. Unhappy and depressed her daughter Hannah worries a lot until she comes up with an idea with her girlfriend to maybe talk to the dead. Hannah believes if they have a ceremony or séance with her mother they or her mother could talk to her dead husband to help his passing and she could move on. Hannah convinces mom it’s a good idea and they do it believing they have made contact with the dearly departed love one. But they learn the hard way sometimes the dead should stay dead as an evil spirit played by an iconic figure Kane Hodder as the ghastly demon has decided to haunt them. Hannah’s conjuring ceremony is not what she expected but it’s way too late as she is deceived also by the evil spirit. A simple creepy paranormal movie that proves you don’t need the latest technology or appeal to the teens’ bottom line to pull off a scary flick. It’s also fun in the manner that Kane’s devilish voice and appearance brings back delightful memories and feelings I have watching “Prince of Darkness” and for that I give Glenn’s new feature 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Back Again (DVD) – A newer independent filmmaker David Bachmeier to hit the scene has his latest short film that takes on a serial killer and has a cool intro from the legendary Glen Colburn. Tommy Lee Jarvis is a brutal serial killer who has been gunned down by authorities and buried. A drunken doctor and his assistant have taken it upon themselves to dig up his fresh corpse for their experiment. Biggest problem is their formula works and the undead killer is back for another horrible murder spree! I like the premise, I like the gore, the short is a little rough but I did enjoy what David had accomplished and look forward to his future projects as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Shaft (On Demand) – So this film wins the award for a project I didn’t see happening in 2019 or anytime soon. Bottom line Shaft has a kid and he needs his absentee father’s help in a case of a friend who may have been murdered. Figured a sequel like this would dumb and uneventful but instead is unforgiving, hilarious, and most likely the most politically incorrect movie of 2019 and thank the lord Rutger Hauer for that. Well casted and make fun of millennials for almost two hours straight I am in as I give it 3 stars.

 

Funland (VHS/YouTube) – David L. Lander is Bruce Berger the clown who happens to be the mascot of a big theme park called ‘Funland’. Berger is the annoying clown that everyone puts up with because he has been there from the beginning but things change when the original owner of ‘Funland’ supposedly commits suicide. Here comes an Italian family taking over the park and using it as a front. Of course Bruce cannot take this and completely snaps to the point he talks to wax statues, he was already talking to his puppet, but also plans to shoot the national Bruce Berger clown they are bringing in for opening day. Thinking this movie over you can easily sit back and say this movie is about a man with mental illness that has a complete breakdown and here is the result. Or the later I have a feeling everyone from the producers, to the writers, to the director was unsure of what kind of movie they were going for as the film isn’t real funny and has a couple very racy scenes. I give the film only 1 star but if you are a weird film buff you may want to go down the rabbit hole of finding this for a watch?

The Keep (DVD) – It is 1941 and Nazi soldiers are sent into the Romanian mountains to investigate and guard a mysterious place called ‘The Keep’. The place was built for some unknown reason many years ago before WWII and Hitler thought of. The villagers there have been caretakers of ‘The Keep’ as long as they all can remember. But there are stories of people disappearing or not making the night there at ‘The Keep’. Of course the Nazi soldiers are completely fascinated by this legend and possibility of silver being in the labyrinth so go and disturb something ancient. A few days later and Nazi soldiers dying equally mysterious French man shows up wanting a room overlooking ‘The Keep’. Thus awaiting a battle… The film isn’t great but an interesting piece of cinema from Michael Mann who was very popular in the 80s as there are stories of the film plagued by problems that include the author of the original story claimed it had nothing to do with his story. There is a rumored 200 minute plus cut of the film!!! Interesting soundtrack by Tangerine Dream… The film is good vs. evil using the Nazi power at its height as the backdrop but I believe never comes close to being what it could have been? This is one of those flicks that are more popular for what happened off screen than what happened on screen but I still give it 2 stars because I am a Scott Glenn fan.

 

Phantom of Death (DVD) – A less talked about Italian film from Ruggero Deodato that is a thriller about a famous pianist. Michael York plays the pianist but it seems immediately death surrounds him as a string of murders are quickly connected to the pianist by police inspector Donald Pleasence. What’s weird ten minutes in the police inspector knows who the killer is but no one believes him. And to the viewer it becomes quickly clear who it is as the pianist discovers he has a rare incurable disease that sends him off the edge of playing cat and mouse with the inspector! He goes around the Italian countryside playing a game of death always being one step ahead of the inspector. As the illness continues to get worse the crazier Michael York’s character gets. It wasn’t really impressive but one of those horror flicks I cross off my “must need to see” list as I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

Two new episodes for your listening pleasures

0

This week we welcome back our good buddy Jon Cross to the show to talk about one of our favorite subjects DONALD PLEASENCE in HALLOWEEN 6, TREASURE OF THE YANKEE ZEPHYR, and DOUBLE TARGET.  We also chat about missing Rutger Hauer in the new Blade Runner flick,  A brief history of The X-Files, Kyle falls down a Verne Troyer based YouTube wormhole, Vietnam flicks,  The awesomeness of Paul L. Smith,  Mothra hatred, and most importantly DONALD god damn PLEASENCE!!!!

 

www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com

This week Tim and Kyle get together to discuss a movie that is a hotly contested subject out there in internet land in THE SHAPE OF WATER.  Also we chat about a flick that could be called Victorian Ghostbusters in WINCHESTER.  And a flick about a killer clown before the glut of killer clown movies that we are getting now these days in AMUSEMENT.  Also we discover Kyle’s extreme hatred of Michael Shannon, Destroyed bathrooms, CHUDS, and other nonsensical garbage.  So enjoy!

 

www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com