Gross Movie Reviews #547

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Gross Movie Reviews #547

A.M.I. (DVD) – We come to know a young female character Cassie who struggles with the death of her mom and just so happens to find a cell phone during a morning jog. She appropriately leaves it on a stump for the person who might be looking for it and as she walks away the phone asks her, “Do you need a friend?” Cassie’s best friend just showed this new app on your cell phone that once downloaded becomes your friend and knows you. This story taps right into what we all are waiting for to happen, ‘Skynet bitches!’ The A.I. has become so sophisticated it communicates, plays games, does homework, gets calls for you (Alexa anyone?), so this premise is right in the wheel house of every human on Earth. Anyway after an unsightly event with her father Cassie goes back and finds the phone is still there and answers it. This is where Cassie’s life changes especially when the phone convinces her to go off her meds and entices Cassie to kill her friends because they are not good for her! This R-rated Lifetime Network film takes Psychostalker to a whole new level as the film should be watched as a warning of what is already happening more than just another horror movie or I enjoyed the fucking shit out of this film as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Vermont Massacre (DVD) – Class of 2003 is celebrating their ten year reunion and decides hanging at a cabin for the weekend for one last party weekend is the way to celebrate it. But who would have guessed the caretaker wants to bang your cute friends and kill the rest? From beginning to end this film is shamefully horrible from the cast never looking like they would ever be friends to the dumb ass idea of putting a handicap person on a back of a truck that cannot even carrying all the characters that are going to cabin to begin with. The script is dumb, the cast is bored, the filmmaker put no passion into this project and it shows as I give it 0 stars. Idea time: sometimes it’s okay to not make the film…  

The Gingerweed Man (DVD) – A 45 minute short film from Full Moon recently that has the Gingerdead Man’s cousin running a weed dispensary with his business partner Barbara. The Gingerweed Man is known for having the best weed in town as he is always making deliveries every day. Well on his usual delivery route he hits up a friend and there he meets the great professor. This professor who is injured gives Gingerweed Man an experiment that needs to be protected from the likes of “Fu-Tech” as they will have evil uses for it. The experiment is named buddy and looks like one of those Mad Balls from the 80s but a smaller version but Buddy might be the future of the world or just the next great weed nug? So Gingerweed Man must mother buddy and save him from the evil entity Fu-Tech. The movie is uneventful but has its moments including bringing in Full Moon’s most racist character ever (OOGA BOOGA) as a sidekick as I give it 2 stars.

The Wrecking Crew (DVD) – A weirdo action flick of where Dead Martin is a bootleg James Bond and working as a U.S. agent that is given the task of recovering a billion dollars in gold that was stolen. If Martin’s character doesn’t recover the gold, it could send the world’s economy into the toilet! If you like Dean Martin music, knowing Bruce Lee helped do the fight chorography, and wanna see Dean Martin pull a helicopter out of a trunk of a car then this hilarious action flick is worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Mad Hatter (DVD) – A newer film that doesn’t know how to use Michael Berryman in the cast is a simple story of a professor leading a few of his students to a mansion for extra credit. Huge problem here kids, we all have seen this film way too many times before but the trailer and description on some websites make you believe we all were going to get some cool ‘Alice in Wonderland’ horror film?! Nope, not here instead you get to see how money is wasted on a film that should just be buried in the backyard or simply thrown out the window one night like I did with my copy of the ‘Black Christmas’ remake but that is for another time to explain as I give this foul smelling garbage that is called a horror film 0 stars.

House of Horrors (DVD) – A mid-40s black and white film about a struggling artist who saves a big ass human being that becomes known as “The Creeper” from drowning one evening. The artist shortly after embarks on his latest project: sculpting the face of “The Creeper” but is frustrated with his critics and says out loud “They should die”. So the big man or The Creeper goes around strangling critics. Once the artist understands this monster of a man will do anything he says to do the artist uses this new power to wipe the slate clean of his critics. Nothing like a good old monster flick but in this case an artist abusing his new found power as I give the flick 3 stars.

The Beast Must Die (DVD) – A wonderful film that isn’t exactly what you think it is about a man named Tom who wants to hunt the ultimate animal, the werewolf! The film starts off like ‘Surviving the Game’ but is a test as Tom is a rich man with a vision as he is a hunter who plans his hunts. Tom has spent an awful a lot of money to secure his mansion, place cameras out in the forest, and have sensors to know every move of the people he has invited to his place for the weekend. Why has he done this, well the people he has invited Tom believes one of them are a werewolf and he wants to hunt the beast. The film being in on the plot doesn’t shy away from this gimmick as they call it a detective story in the beginning and even have a werewolf clock about ¾’s the way into the film for the viewer to pick who the werewolf is? The film might seem a little corny by today’s standards but still an effective film worth viewing as I now know where ‘Howling V: The Rebirth’ stole its plot as I give this gimmicky but worthy werewolf entry 3 stars.

Spine Chiller (DVD) – An Indy retro-80s style anthology that was released a couple years ago that deserves your attention fellow yinzers. Okay, yes I know everyone is making an anthology (hell I am) and if you are doing an independent anthology production that is equal to telling people you have the ‘death curse’. But people let’s all get past that so you can enjoy this little Halloween feature that will make you throw this in your pile to watch every October! The anthology doesn’t have horror hosts but rather great story telling that has all the stories interconnecting and progressing into a fun, spooky, atmospheric ride through horror that doesn’t disappoint. The film plays it serious with all the spooky tales and I may not be a fan of the ending but this tale of Halloween is something I refuse to describe it too much because I feel it could be the next ‘ (2007) Trick ‘r Treat’ for independent fans… yes I went there as I give it 3 ½ stars.     

Midnite Spares (DVD/YouTube) – An early 80s Australian film about a sprint car driver Steve Hall coming back home of sorts looking for his father only to find a ruined mechanic shop. Not discouraged Steve looks for his father and meets a lovely girl named Maria while racing the local circuit. But Steve comes to find out the towing business has become corrupt and his father may have been killed for not being a part of it. Lots of crazy ass stunts, a dirty Bruce Spence, and sprint car racing fill this adventurous action film as I give it 3 stars.

Driving Force (DVD/YouTube) – Flash Gordon gets into a tow truck war with Patrick Swayze’s brother in the Philippines and Daisy Duke proves she still had it going on for herself in 1989 or there just to be Sam Jones babysitter half the movie. Not enough for you look for Billy Banks trying way too hard to act in a film that no acting was required? Or as I like to call this flick “ Post-apocalyptic Tow Truck Wars” that is missing Michael Madsen for that extra spice as I give it 2 stars because it made me laugh several times.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

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Gross Movie Reviews #409

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Gross Movie Reviews #409

 

Grotesque (VHS/YouTube) – A late 80s Linda Blair film that seems like two films smashed into one. It’s no ‘Spookies’ but what movie is? Linda Blair plays a character that goes to visit her parents along with her best friend for the weekend. The quiet weekend takes a turn for the worse when a group of punks (pay attention as Robert Z’Dar is one of them) come by and brutally start killing all in the house. Blair escapes into the snowy mountain landscape as she is chased after by the punks. But this movie takes an odd turn where a thing has been watching from afar and now is killing the punks one by one eventually helping out Blair. But she falls into a coma and this large disfigured man who was saving her is shot down by police. The last two punks get off with the lack of evidence but the Linda’s uncle has some other plans as he knew about this disfigured person that hid in the cabin for years. The film takes a couple odd twists and seems like it ends two or three times. Not the best of the Linda Blair resume but a definite interesting one as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Silent Assassins (VHS/YouTube) – Sam “Flash Gordon” Jones is a detective whose girlfriend is Linda Blair who convinces him it’s time to move to quiet Colorado. But Sam’s old boss gets his attention with a case of a six year old kidnapped by a psycho drug dealer who has also kidnapped a bio-chemist! One boring thing leads to another as question what is Linda Blair’s role in this lackluster action flick? The film also stars action stars Phillip Rhee and Mako but that isn’t enough to save the film as I give it 2 stars.   

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (DVD) – To put it simply it is the new version of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ and there isn’t anything wrong with that folks. Michelle and Johnny work at a donut shop called “Dandy Donuts”. Pretty much Michelle and Johnny are the only two employees who are willing to put up with the public and the shitty boss. Meanwhile Johnny’s Uncle Luther is a mad scientist who has developed a breakthrough serum that turns a mouse into a man-eating rat. Luther comes to Dandy Donuts looking for Johnny and accidentally gets some of the serum into the deep fryer… Presto, changeo! We got killer donuts! The little doughy bastards now have teeth and they are pissed humans have been eating them for years. So the donuts go on an eating spree whether it’s the lonely fat lady in lingerie or C. Thomas Howell as a police officer the donuts are eating through everyone. The only people that can stop these bastards is love sick friends Michelle and Johnny and Johnny’s best friend who is banging Johnny’s mom. So okay maybe it is ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’ with ‘Gingerdead Man’ added into the mix but it’s one fucking hilarious horror movie that you will not want to miss in 2017! My only problem with the whole film is the ending that never ends as of course Michelle and Johnny end up together but the bedroom scene goes on way too long like its padding out running time or something? Outside of that I absolutely love this flick and the poster fucking rocks as I give this beautiful horror film 3 ½ stars. Still on the fence if this makes my “Best of 2017 list”?

 

The Magnificent Seven (DVD/remake) – Denzell wouldn’t have been my first choice for the remake but he proved me wrong. Yeah I know this is a remake of a remake but this western just seemed less worried about what had already been done and more worried with just putting together a decent film. Good or bad it entertained me… But anyway Denzell is a man who puts together seven men to take on an overbearing son of a bitch and his army who have taken over a small mining and farming town. Yeah there is better westerns in the past but these days it is just nice to see a new western that is worth your time watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Get Out (On Demand) – Well this flick lived up to its hype and don’t trust those rich white people! The film is written, directed, and produced by Jordan Peele who takes a simple concept and turns it into a great fucked up movie. And I love all the social awkwardness placed into the scenes. But the simple horror film is about Chris, a young black man going with his white girlfriend to her parents’ house to meet them. The parents a little off and try a little too hard to make Chris comfortable but are or seem to be normal rich white folks. But for Chris something always seems a little off or not right? One night Chris takes a walk outside to smoke and run into the girlfriend’s mom who hypnotizes Chris to stop smoking. It works but things still seem weird as Chris’s brother agrees also believing his brother is going to be a sex slave or some shit too these rich white people? From there the film gets a little weirder as Chris finds himself questioning all the white folk that come for the party and the things he sees… And if there is another thing you take away from the film: “Don’t trust rich skinny girls”, they are fucked up. A very simple but effective horror film that is clearly one of the best of 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Star Crystal (VHS/YouTube) – During a routine Mars expedition in 2032 astronauts bring aboard a rock on their ship that causes the ship to malfunction and kill all aboard. Two months later the ship and rock is found and the company that owns the ship wants to know what happened? But it happens again and some people escape and the rock hatches with some ugly slime monster that kills people on board of the spacecraft. As they make their long journey back to earth and try not to be eaten the creature wants to learn and become friends with the crew because it didn’t know killing was bad? Imagine if you could make a boring version of William Malone’s ‘Creature’ on even less of a shoestring budget as everything throughout the film is so generic. Sometimes boring and not sure why I was laughing at most of the film but this 1986 film suffers from “the box art is better than the film” as I give it 1 star.

 

Clowntown (DVD) – Based on true events of course some friends going to a country music concert get sidetrack when one of them forget their phone in the diner. She gets a phone call and they are to meet in the small town ahead of them to retrieve the phone. But they get there and the town is all but a ghost town and apparently serial killer clowns live there. Plus the cops let them do their business as long as the clowns don’t kill the pretty girls so they can be raped. The horror movie suffers from trying to cash in on Rob Zombie’s film and trying way to hard making the clowns scary. I liked some the effects so I give the horror flick 2 stars.

 

Bus Driver (DVD) – Young bootleg Robert Forester meet the real Robert Forester as the bootleg version just wants to be a bus driver. But when his bus has a tire blowout and they knock on the nearest meth-lab house he must bust out his special forces training to kick some drug dealer ass. A low budget flick going the “Grindhouse” route of putting together the story of a bus driver just trying to protect his kids. Maybe a little stupid but entertaining enough for me to say bootleg version isn’t better than the real Robert Forester from ‘Alligator’. Give the film 2 stars for at least trying the concept out.

 

Death Race 2050 (DVD/remake) – Roger Corman and crew got behind this god awful abomination that has Malcolm McDowell and Yancy Butler collecting paychecks for possibly the worst film of 2017. This movie is so bad I am rethinking my stance on the Jason Statham remake and sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original masterpiece starring David Carradine. That is some major shit people as I have made it known I hated the idea of the Jason Statham flick. But this film is something of a shit show literally. This movie is crap so I give it crap as people who thought this would be a good idea should not be allowed to have anything to do with film ever again! Corman and crew you should have left it at ‘Deathsport’?

 

Yes, Madam (DVD) – Michelle Yeoh and Cynthia Rothrock are two detectives who kick some major ass looking for this microfilm that could put a bad guy away for life. If that isn’t enough of a combo how about some of John Carpenter’s “Halloween” soundtrack used throughout the film? I give this ass kicking woman duo film 3 stars.

 

Extraterrestrial (Blu-ray) – Some college kids go to the cabin for the weekend as some weird X-files shit has been happening in a nearby town. That night after arriving at the cabin a spacecraft becomes a fireball and falls from the sky. The kids go check it out only to notice weird little footsteps leading away from the craft. They grab the double barreled shotgun for defense and shot an alien at their back door. They believe it is dead but its friends are pissed and looking for revenge as a crazy old Vietnam vet Michael Ironside cannot save them. I enjoyed the ending of this flick also as it did not pussy out like some flicks do when dealing with this genre aka happy endings. If you are a fan of films such as X-files, Almost Human, and Fire in the Sky this will fill your appetite for alien flicks as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Survival Zone (VHS/YouTube) – A South African 1983 flick that deals with the neutron bomb going off and killing most of the world. All is left is pockets of people in these survival zones. Or cannibal motorcycle gangs that are roaming the wastelands to kill farmers and eat nuns! Sounds better than it is but bootleg George Eastman is leader of the cannibal motorcycle gang that wants everything and goes to war with a farmer to have his 17 year old daughter. I give the post-apocalyptic film 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html