Tag Archives: Gross Movie Reviews

Gross Movie Reviews #540

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Gross Movie Reviews #540

The Beast Beneath (DVD) – In a small town of Desert Valley, California an earthquake wakens its residents in the middle of the night with its shakes and simmers but nothing is thought of it. But this event has caused a monster to emerge from its slumber in the desert and it is time for the beast to snack on its new food source… humans! After a few people go missing the local authorities get involved and act like the disappearances are not that big of a deal but the mayor knows and wants it kept quiet. The beast is brought to the attention of a brilliant scientist (Brinke Stevens) and she is trying to work on a quick answer for the monstrous problem but when someone being attacked is caught on social media the mayor and police have no choice but to blow it up. The build-up of this low budget monster flick was a lot of fun and on par with what we used to get from SyFy Channel in the mid-2000s but the ending or non-ending was not the payoff I think viewers will be looking for as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Stale Popcorn & Sticky Floors (DVD) – Another cool documentary that covers some of the memorable grindhouse, horror, and B-movie titles from the 70s and 80s we grew up watching. There is interviews and stories from such stars of iconic films such as Lynn Lowry, Camilla Carr, Brinke Stevens, and a host of others. And people let’s not forget Frank Farel is on here telling more stories about one of my favorite films of all time ‘Spookies’! The doc separates itself enough from others as the stars tell stories about one film that was picked such as an ‘I Spit on Your Grave’. This title doesn’t come off as interviews as much as you the viewer just grabbed a beer with said star and you are ready for story time and for that I give it 4 out of 4 stars.

Cult of the Cobra (DVD) – A bunch of U.S. service men on leave pay a hundred bucks to be sneaked into a secret meeting to witness a woman who has the ability to change into a snake. To their disbelief she does but one of them tries to take a photo and a scuffle ensues and the service men attempt to kidnap this special oddity. She gets away and of course the men are all warned they will all die but they don’t care as their deployment is over and they are heading home for good. Some time passes by and the men settled into their homes back in New York not knowing the precious snake woman has traveled there to seek her revenge. One by one the men fall but the snake woman might be having a change of heart as one of the men has taken time to be very friendly with her let’s say as I give this mid-50s flick 2 stars.

Death Rink (DVD) – The film is set in the year 2001 at the “Roller King!” roller skating rink where Rachel the manager is hanging out with the younger employees for an impromptu birthday party. They play games, smoke tea bags, eat pizza, discuss the lawsuits against the roller rink, along with wondering who in the hell is the person or ex-employee that calls every night to yell “Satan” into the phone. Things are going great and the fun is starting to whine down as everyone wants to leave at some point including Rachel as her boyfriend finally called her back… But an unwanted guest has found their way into the rink while they close up shop. This unknown individual slowly kills the employees one by one. Everything about this movie screams I should love it. Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t a horrible horror film as it had a great cast, great dialogue, some blood, great location, but it all just didn’t add up to success for me as I thought this film could have pressed the gas and gone over the top? Instead I felt the film found a way to limp over the finish line in the end as I give it 2 stars.

The Earth Dies Screaming (DVD) – This is a quick mid-60s post-apocalyptic flick where one day people around the world all die at the same time except for a select few. After a small group of people find themselves holed up at a hotel they figure out they were not in the open when this all happened and believe it could have been a gas attack? To make matters worse generic alien robots walk and a “zombie pace” and cannot be killed by guns but their asses are no match for a jeep. And just when the humans thought they were screwed enough, “oh yay if you are killed by an alien they zombified your ass and control you.” The only hope is if these select few humans figure out how to stop these slow ass trash cans from taking over the world as I give it 2 stars.

Brimstone Incorporated (DVD/Vimeo) – An interesting low budget anthology film directed by Indy vets James L. Edwards and Brad Twigg. The three stories are straight forward serious horror stories which are usually hard to pull off in the low budget world but this crew did it as the titles are: First Date, Mama’s Boy, and Skunkweed. And the wraparound story is called Temper and Associates but we will get to that in a bit. Without spoiling too much First Date gets a little uncomfortable (watch for the kiss you’ll understand), second story Mama’s Boy is not exactly what you think it is which makes it a pleasant surprise, and the third story is about a man who may have been given bad weed? Or was it? But the most interesting thing was the wraparound story as these days seems to be a throw away in the Indy world in my opinion. But these fine filmmakers took a cue possibly from 70s British anthologies and made the wraparound their strength as a character from each story is being reviewed by Gregory to decide where they will fit in “down here or in the corporation”. The Gregory character was actually my favorite thing of the anthology but this film is based more on the great performances from the actors than just throwing gallons of blood and gore against the wall. This is an anthology I will be pointing out to people for years to come as this cast was one of the best I seen for an Indy anthology in years. So if you are looking for a great not subpar Indy anthology look no further than this new feature Mr. Edwards and Mr. Twigg as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #539

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Gross Movie Reviews #539

Boys from County Hell (Shudder) – An Irish horror film where a small town called Six Mile Hill is the center of the story as legend goes Bram Stoker used the location to write his famous story. The local legend claims that the real Dracula story happened there as a landmark of stones marks the grave of the vampire or at least that is what’s been told for many years in those parts. One drunken night two friends strolling home from the pub fall into the landmark and one of them is speared by a farm animal. Nothing physical came from the grave but blood seem to disappear from the corpse. Eugene quickly understands he may accidentally set free the vampire legend on the small town and must now try to bury the bloodthirsty monster that doesn’t play by the usual vampire rules. Fun monstrous times to be had in this Irish treat as I give it 3 stars.

The Frozen Ghost (DVD) – A stage mentalist played by Lon Chaney Jr., has a skirmish with an audience member that he believes caused the man’s death. Retiring the act, trouble seems to follow the mentalist as while at the museum he gets in a tussle with someone who dies and believes he did it again. For me this wasn’t the best Lon Chaney Jr. of course for fans who just need something a little lighthearted you will enjoy this feature as I give it 2 stars.

Great White (On Demand) – Pearl Air Charters  is a one charter plane business run by a sexy couple who takes people on tours of areas like “Hell’s Reef”. When on their latest tour they land so a couple can have a late lunch it is quickly spoiled by finding half of a corpse of the beach. The small group realizes someone could still use help out in the ocean they jump back in the small plane for a limited time because of fuel to search. They spot the boat and when they land on the ocean near that is when things go bad for the group and the suspense builds as they wait for rescue. With only the life raft the group must hope they can paddle back to the island before the sharks stalk and eat them for a snack! A lot of buildup in this film, think ‘The Shallows’ but with a few more people and trying to feel a little more like ‘Jaws’ as I give it 3 stars.

Bigfoot vs. Illuminati (On Demand) – An animated film I had so much anticipation for being a fun stupid film to enjoy and talk about. Instead I got a horrible boring dud. Many years into the future where the Earth is basically dead and humans are about to go extinct as they are at war with aliens. Humans only hope is Bigfoot who happened to listen to rap music way too much. Oh and Bigfoot tag teams with a Van Helsing clone… this was dumb as I give it 0 stars. I guess I need to stick with ‘Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper’?

Benny Loves You (On Demand) – Meet Jack, a 35 year old who lives with his parents and is a junior toy designer whose parents still celebrate Jack’s birthday as if he was a child. But this year is different as the parents die accidentally while preparing for his birthday. Nothing is going right for Jack so now alone he decides he wants to improve his life and this means getting rid of everything including his childhood toy that he still has. The toy’s name is Benny and doesn’t like it too much he is about to be thrown out but also wants Jack to be happy again? From here Jack is sent into a downward spiral of death and despair as anyone that comes to the home or Jack doesn’t like Benny slices and dices them. As the bloodbath ensues in a weird way Benny helps Jack get his job back with new designs based on Benny… The horror film is a wonderful insane oddity of gore that needs to be witnessed as this will be one of the best horror films I will watch in 2021 and for that I give it 4 stars.

Fulci for Fake (DVD) – A Severin Pictures biopic about a man about to dive head first into becoming the famous Italian filmmaker Lucio Fulci. In order to accomplish becoming the legend he must learn more about him and interviews several friends and colleagues of Fulci’s taking the viewer on a ride through stories of the beginnings of Fulci’s work. To of course what made Fulci a household name among horror movie fans as I give the documentary 3 stars.

Live Evil (DVD) – An old vampire hunting priest has his eyes locked on these four vamps that have run together for a long time now. The priest wants to slice and dice this group as he has tracked them everywhere at any cost. The group keeps moving around recently as humans more and more have tainted blood and the vampires fight amongst each other in the effort of finding “pure blood”. The vampires head to L.A. for a last ditch effort of getting pure blood from a dealer named Max. The vampire hunter is played by the legendary Tim Thomerson so imagine Jack Deth retired to become a priest who hunts vamps with a late 90s direct-to-video vibe. A fun watch with some gore and some audio glitches but well worth checking out this Mark Terry produced film that also has appearances by Tiffany Shepis, Ken Foree, and Elissa Dowling as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Feaster Sunday (DVD) – A not so typical independent holiday horror film where a man, Dr. Gideon Lear is putting forth his best effort to put on “The Passion” play at the community theater that hasn’t happened in twenty years. Lear wants perfection out of his actors as he explains in his recent interview with Eddie from the local Public Access Channel. Lear nor his actors seem to be too concerned with the history of the play as “the show must go on”. Meanwhile Eddie sees someone he knows among the actors, Tess, and they reconnect after Tess is dropped by her boyfriend Reen because he needs his full attention on playing Jesus. As time goes on actors for the play disappear, warnings for the play “not to go on” are ignored, and Dr. Lear begins his struggle to keep the production together. There is a whole lot of crazy going on in this flick that just made me giddy to watch! Wonderful casting choices (Dave Parker as the original Jesus, brilliant), great script, cool puppets, and a low budget production that felt bigger than it was should get some mainstream respect as I give this excellent production 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Its confirmed… Gross Movie Reviews/Drunken Yinzer Productions will be there!

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We will be hanging out selling my three new books, copies of our latest film Blood Freak, and discussing our next project!

Cinema Wasteland and The Cinema Wasteland Film Appreciation Society Presents:
A ONE DAY COLLECTABLE SHOW and RETRO MOVIE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE!

Saturday, July 24, 2021
At our usual haunt: The HOLIDAY INN
15471 Royalton Rd., Strongsville, OH. 44136

It’s a One Day Collectable Show featuring approximately 35 tables of Movie Collectibles, DVD and Blu-ray, Movie Posters, Autographs, and More from 10:00am until 5:00pm.

Then, catch Two Classic (or not-so-classic, as the case may be) Drive-In Movies on 16mm Film. Complete with a Cartoon, Short Film and Original Intermission Reel beginning at 7:30pm.

Make an Entire Day and night out of it!
Come in during the day to hang out with friends.
Do a little browsing and shopping with our Vendors.
Grab a bite to eat and a couple of drinks at the hotel bar (or nearby restaurant) and return in the evening to watch the films.

The Film Show if Free if you attend during the day, so your Admission gets you into both events all day and night!

Our Saturday Night Film Screenings will Include:

THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS (1964) Kolos (Richard Kiel) arrives to Earth in his Christmas tree ornament shaped space craft to establish a colony on our planet and take over by “duplicating” humans and replacing them with androids. To do this, he first heads to the home of the brilliant Dr. Dornhelmer, the beautiful, but blind, Lisa Dornhelmer (Deloris Faith), and the doctor’s two female lab assistants (Margaret Teele and Alean “Bambi” Hamilton). It isn’t long before Austin Welles (Hugh Beaumont) of the National Intelligence Agency is investigating. A wonderful slice of low budget sci-fi, complete with cheesy effects, beautiful girls, and a twenty five year old Richard Kiel in one of his earliest credited feature film roles.









MUTINY IN OUTER SPACE (1964) Ice caves have been discovered on the moon so a team of scientists from the nearby space station are sent to gather samples. On the way back to the space station, a fungus breaks out on the rocket and begins to spread quickly. The Commander seems to have contracted some sort of space sickness and won’t listen to warnings about the growing fungus from his crew. He orders the ship to return to the space station and ends of spreading the fungus there as well. Soon enough, the fuzzy fungus monster is massive… and it kills! From the same people that brought you The Human Duplicators comes a cheesy sci-fi double feature that actually played together in theaters. Deloris Faith returns from Duplicators, and Francine York is “Captain Stevens.” It may have been made in 1965, but this one will remind you of a 50s sci-fi film from the get go.





INTERMISSION REEL – A terrific 24 minute reel of classic horror and sci-fi movie trailers and original 1940s and 50s drive-in intermission spots will play between features.

THE LITTLE RASCALS in “CHOO-CHOO!” (1932) Hanging around the railroad stop, Spud, Stymie, Dorthy, Wheezer, Breezy, Wally, and baby Spanky are all fascinated with trains and want to take a ride on one. During a stop over on their way to a new home, a group of orphans tell them they can just trade clothing with them take their place on the train. They make life a living hell for the orphans pansy-ass child-hating chaperone, Mr. Henderson, and cause enough mayhem for the other passengers to rival the best Three Stooges shorts. A drunken novelty company salesman passes out noisemakers to all of the kids when everyone is trying to sleep and Spanky and a monkey release the animals from the animal car – including a lion – into the sleeper section of the train, and things get even better!

WOODY WOODPECKER (1945) “The Dippy Diplomate” – The newspaper announces that Ivan Awfulitch, the famous ambassador, is due to have a barbecue with local resident, Wally Walrus. The scent of steaks on the grill attracts an unwelcome guest in the form of Woody Woodpecker…

WHEN:Saturday July 24th 2021.
10am – 5pm and movies start at 7:30pm


WHERE:
Holiday Inn
15471 Royalton Rd.
Strongsville, OH. 44136

* This is the same Holiday Inn we hold out Cinema Wasteland Movie and Memorabilia Expo’s in twice a year.
We’re just taking over one large room for this event and not the entire hotel.

NEED A ROOM?
If you would like to spend Friday and/or Saturday night at the Holiday Inn then Click Here (Same prices as CW)
Use a computer to make reservations before July 2 (*Phones don’t work well with site*)


ADMISSION:
Admission is $7.00 if using a debit or credit card, BUT Only $5.00 Cash.
There will be no advance ticket or pass sales for this event so we are offering a cash discount at the door instead.

VENDORS:
Tables are nice and affordable and available now.
CLICK HERE for more information.

https://www.cinemawasteland.com/collectable%20show%20main.html?fbclid=IwAR17-nqCXt9CkaomOYwYUfv0SLj-RZ8nuAHBl5lvQEsI0G_kavdy-4Hupbk

Gross Movie Reviews #537

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Gross Movie Reviews #537

Dogs (DVD) – The campus of Southwestern University just happens to be a site of a secret government experiment and strange things are starting to happen around the small college town. There have been some odd animal attacks and after a couple dead bodies a couple of university professors are trying to figure out why dogs are traveling and attacking together? Your normal household pet in a split second begins to go for the jugular is if summoned to do it! With each passing day dog attacks rise as the pack of dogs are growing and the professors fear if it isn’t the government these dogs could take over the town as humans must fight dogs to the death. It is a fun “when animal attacks movie” from the 70s that I never heard of before and was happy to sit and watch it. Interesting factoid besides this not being a TV movie flick is that there was a sequel planned called ‘Cats’. The ending even sets it up but this film did lousy at the box office so the sequel was scrapped immediately but don’t let that stop you from enjoying another 70s gem as I give it a solid 2 ½ stars.

Invasion of the Blood Farmers (DVD) – A weirdo early 70s ultra-low budget flick that takes place in Jefferson Valley where everybody knows each other including the sheriff’s deputy who sits at the bar all day drinking. Over the past few weeks a few people go missing which never happens and no takes too much notice until old man Jim falls into the bar a bloody mess and dies. Blood samples from Old Jim’s body have pathologists baffled on what exactly is the cause? But a couple of weird famers are snatching people up and harvesting human blood to bring their queen back to the living as they are controlled by a man called “the Lord Druid”. If you are into wacky horror fun like a ‘Motel Hell’ then this low budget affair is right up your alley as I give this fun mess 3 stars.

Torso (DVD) – Holy crap this Eye-talian sleazefest is from 1973 and about a masked man that is stalking college women in Italy and strangling them with his red scarf. After a death or two near the college a group of women head out to a villa discussing the murders for some ‘girl time’. But the killer follows them to the villa and has a bloody good time trying to hack them to bits! I am not a giallo fan but always willing to watch one and this always had me curious. If you take out the sleaze you can see the early 80s slasher formula a decade before we were seeing it on a regular basis here in the states as I give this film 2 ½ stars.

Water Wars (DVD-R) – Well it took a while to track this post-apocalyptic “Corman Presents” flick down as it stars Michael Madsen, a couple Playboy Playmates, and directed by Cirio H. Santiago with Jim Wynorski stepping in after illness. Supposedly finished in 2011 but never released until 2014 but I couldn’t find a physical copy for sale or the film on any streaming sites but as usual give me time and the movie will find me. Once you get past the filler (stock footage from several Filipino post-apocalyptic films that I believe takes up half of the film) water is the only currency of course. An evil warlord Bane is hell bent on tracking down a water source and believes there is springs of fresh water hidden in the mountains but can never capture anyone that knows where it is until now. A gun for hire named Slade is hired by a beautiful lady who claims to know where this spring is if he rescues her sister from Bane. Slade does the job but now Bane and his evil followers are coming to ravage the village but not Slade and his new lady bump uglies like they were in a freakin ‘Witchcraft’ film. This was a poor excuse of a post-apocalyptic film that I should have left buried but you know me as I give it 0 stars.

The Embalmers (DVD) – An exciting fresh filmmaker named Rebecca Rinehart has just released her first full feature that isn’t a straight up horror movie as much as something a little different… The film revolves around the “Quint” family who own a funeral home and been operating it in their small town for over a hundred years. The Quint family might be a little odd of how they do things but they have been dealing with the dead long enough that the locals trust them with their journey to rest in peace. But there are supernatural forces that are not there for the good of man and Cy is able to read minds besides having a connection with a little girl who wears KISS makeup all the time! Through this power Cy has figured out his family must put a stop to this evil force that has bodies piling up all over town. The film is very dialogue driven, with a splash of blood, and supernatural elements that don’t bludgeon you over the head. Now I would have liked a few minutes edited out to make it a quicker pace film but saying that I believe most of the dialogue is vital for the viewer to know what is going on. Overall Rebecca did a solid job first time out and has me excited to see what else she has up next for independent movie fans as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars. P.S. there was a weird thing that I noticed during one scene where Antwoine Steele is standing behind some shelves just waiting/not doing anything in the morgue and I am not totally sure why? Was it an editing error or a scene cut…? Again weird but doesn’t take away from the solid effort.

Marabunta (DVD) – Killer South American ants have been awaken near a small Alaskan town that just happen to have a volcano that may or may not be active. After some research from a vacationing scientist and a school teacher they believe the volcano’s recent activity is what awakens the ants and now the ants want to take over the town one section at a time. This cheesy late 90s flick stars Mitch Pileggi as the town sheriff but the film still doesn’t hold a candle to the 70s killer ant movies as I give it 1 ½ stars.

High Ballin’ (DVD) – If there was such a thing as “truckersploitation” then we found it starring Jerry Reed of course. Duke is a respected independent trucker who is bucking the system in a lot of truckers’ minds. But a trucking company called King Carol Cargo is pressuring him to join as quite a few Indy drivers have gotten robbed and almost killed by some masked bandits. With the help of a buddy in Peter Fonda the two are trying to outlast this company until Duke decides to retire but that isn’t soon enough for the cargo company. If you are old like me and enjoy ‘BJ and the Bear TV show’ and ‘Smoky and the Bandit’ films then you’ll enjoy a shitload of Jerry Reed and CB radio talk as I give it 2 stars.

Swarm (DVD) – This 2007 killer ant film has several titles including my favorite: Ants on a Plane, Destination: Infestation, and Deadly Swarm. Anyway on a flight from Colombia these bullet ants (very bad ass ants) hitch a ride inside the chest cavity of an asshole passenger and explode out of his chest once the flight is up and over the ocean. So with limited time and nowhere to go to land an entomologist and an air marshal must figure out how to combat these mutant ants before the government shoots the plane down before reaching US soil. This Canadian TV movie wasn’t too exciting but would have been a little more watchable if someone would have kept screaming “get these F’N ants off this mother F’N plane”! But we didn’t get that so I could only give it 1 star.

Willy’s Wonderland (DVD) – Nic Cage in a ‘Banana Splits Movie’ rip-off sort of… okay I am in! Anyhow Nic Cage is only known as “the janitor” throughout the film as he doesn’t utter one word throughout but does grunt once or twice while playing pinball. The man with no name is speeding on empty roads until he hits a police zigzag that punctures all four tires of his sports car. Gets a tow into town but only has credit, no cash. So the tow truck driver introduces him to Tex the owner of Willy’s Wonderland or a version of Chuck E. Cheese or whatever you remember it to be in your city many moons ago. Willy’s is a kid party center with animatronic band but actually serial killers dressed as the band who play music and kill families a decade or two ago. After the satanic ritual and many more deaths of those who enter the place was closed down Tex and others lure people here to please the things inside. So the janitor spends one night inside cleaning the place and his car will be fixed free of charge. The animatronic beings begin to play music but the janitor ignores, they begin to stalk him he ignores, they finally confront him and if it isn’t break time Nic Cage begins to massacre these evil beings and throws them in the dumpster. Weird, gory, Nic Cage, deals with the devil, lots of fun stuff but I still like ‘The Banana Splits Movie’ just a little bit more as I give this 3 stars.

Lycanimator (DVD) – A scientist is asked to give up his secret formula but instead of giving it up uses it on himself and murdering his family. Little time passes as we are introduced to a group of college-aged friends who are heading to the old Phillips home for the weekend and they are warned not to go into the basement. After they drink themselves silly and there is no alcohol left they go into the basement to find the formula believing it is booze. Jeff is forced to drink it and begins to bleed green but of course he becomes a super sex champ to bang his hot tatted up girlfriend May before transforming into a mutated melting werewolf ripping his friends a part. Honestly this film is a hot mess that only lasts 50 minutes (without credits). Kudos for you getting a Todd Sheets cameo, along with several other voice cameos, a cool creature, and the hot actress Cayt Feinics (awesome tattoos), but in my opinion this film had so much untapped potential especially with the mutating melted werewolf creature that never came to life as I give it 1 star.    

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #536

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Gross Movie Reviews #536

Bridge of Dragons (DVD) – A 1999 film starring Dolph Lundgren who plays good soldier under an evil general that seeks to marry a young princess of a modern day kingdom. The princess does not want to marry and escapes for a brief time from the kingdom only to be recaptured by Dolph. But things don’t go well at the meeting point as the evil general played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa puts a beat down on the princess and Dolph goes rogue in order to help her. They try to seek out revolutionists that are willing to fight with them to bring the kingdom peace again. The film isn’t too exciting until the climax where we get the fight we want to see between Dolph and Tagawa, good stuff. If not a Dolph fan I would keep skipping through the streaming channels as I give this okay fantasy flick 1 ½ stars.

Sweepers (DVD) – This film starring Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Payne starts off pretty slow as these two dudes a part of the Humanitarian Order of Chivalry that sweep for mines in Angola in order to help the civilians there during the civil war. During some chaos Erikson’s son dies in the minefield causing him to leave the H.O.C. but to stay in Angola since there is nothing to go home too. Five years pass and the U.S. government decides to go looking for the landmine expert after they believe experimental mines were used in a terrorist attack and it all points to Angola. A young agent named Flynn is charged with finding Erikson and having him show her where found these experimental landmines as she need proof for the boys back home. While these two bicker about what should be done and how? The two get mixed up with some bad dudes who are using the computerized landmines to keep people away from their diamond shipments. Starts slow but it ends with a wonderful big train explosion that helps as I give the flick 2 stars.

Blackjack (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren in a John Woo film with a little supporting help from Fred Williamson where Dolph aka Jack aka becomes Uncle Jack after he protected a daughter of a casino owner. When the casino owner and wife die in an “accident” Jack is given custody of Casey who adores her new Uncle Jack. But with this new duty Jack must juggle his new “dad life” with protecting a drug-addicted model that screws him over soon as he leaves her sight. The movie is a little long but a pretty entertaining flick with the name power the film has as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent (DVD) – This 2004 sequel stars no one but has two known independent names attached to it (David Sterling and Brad Sykes). This entry took seven minutes before it had a sex scene and it took the dude to be blindfolded in order for it to happen. Were they going for the fetish thing? Was I missing something here? Or was it just an excuse to have a hooded person come in and kill the blindfolded man… Couple minutes later the cops are way ahead of everyone as they talk demons and the supernatural like this happen every day? Remember we are in Witchcraft world but it took 11 movies for them to accept this. Moving on, the gist I got from this entry is some terrible dude or thing in a crappy club that only has like two rooms to get your freak on is using his laser eyes to suck your soul out. So just to make it more interesting Will Spanner and his pierced nipple shows up to bang his dead friend’s girlfriend three times so she could get over the supernatural tragedy. The film is a complete mess but far from the worst because that entry has yet to come as I give this 1 star.

Star Hunter (DVD) – A weirdo direct-to-video film from 1995 that stars Roddy McDowall, Stella Stevens, and Zach Ward! A being escapes some intergalactic space prison and heads to earth to hunt these humans. The group of humans that is picked for this hunt is a couple lost ball players, a cheerleader, and a principal/school bus driver. There is force fields, cops get involved eventually, and a very lame alien hunter that is hunted also by another intergalactic being who takes over Zach Ward’s body to stop this hunter. Yes, the movie is laughable but oddly entertaining as I give it 2 stars.

Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen (DVD) – This 2008 entry has Will Spanner struggling with his dark past again as murders are happening around him causing Will to feel he is falling into the darkness. He must solve the mystery quickly before he says fuck it after 11 films and go to the dark side. These murders disturb Will as the victims are having their hearts ripped out and of course… the detectives don’t have a clue. They begin to get worse again as I give this film a ½ star.

Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death (DVD) – Just when you thought you hit the bottom of the barrel this series finds a whole new level of suck! A trilogy of films released in early 2017 begins with the two detectives finding a naked dead body at the Motor Hotel. Meanwhile we are introduced to a young lady named Rose who has killed two people by accident as she is unaware of her witch powers. Rose distraught now tries speaking with mom but that doesn’t go well which then leads her to a dude named Yogi Samuel. You know that dude that owns the local Yoga studio down the street and just happens to be a powerful warlock who claims to be given witches a safe place to use their powers. What Rose doesn’t know Yogi has her in his plans that will help make a prophecy come true! This was hilariously bad. Not laughable entertaining bad but yinz should have stopped at part 13 as I give this entry 0 stars.

Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose (DVD) – After Yogi Samuel failed with Rose, the weirdo assistant Sharon takes over the evil ways of the Yoga studio but in secret (shhhh!) so Rose doesn’t get wise to what is going on. A month passes after the last film and the Yoga coven focuses its energy on Rose again. Sharon learns to use Rose by possessing her and take people’s souls since Rose is such a powerful witch but has yet to learn her full potential. Sharon’s goal is to use these souls to bring forth Satan… how lame. Even with Spanner’s best efforts in making the Yoga girls say they are sorry evil still finds a way to survive one more movie as I give this flick 0 stars.

Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven (DVD) – Finally the last entry but wait a minute… all the characters from the past two films are back to do a spoof! WTF? The cast is trying out for a low budget series of films called “Crystal Force” and guess what they are on part 16. Here’s the catch there are rumors actors disappear after every entry? In reality or the context of this dumb ass spoof a warlock is actually killing his leads in hopes of bringing forth Satan. Quick second here folks have yinz noticed a trend in this series: these so-called warlocks suck out loud when trying to bring forth Satan. I bet you Julian Sands would have no problem! I laughed hard at this film and not in a good way as the film uses flashbacks (about 20 minutes or so of them) disguised as scenes from past “Crystal Force” films. This isn’t spoofing kids this is called a sad excuse called filmmaking and it sucks and went downhill so bad in these last three entries. Not even showing a warlock dong could have save this last film as I give it negative stars.

From Hell It Came (DVD) – A late 50s drive-in flick where a chief of an island tribe has his son killed because of his father dying. Something about getting poison from the American scientists, who the scientists are there actually to treat the tribe for the plague caused by nuclear fallout. The natives set in their ways do not trust the outsiders! But the fallout helps the corpse rise from the grave as a killer tree to get revenge on those who accused him of wrongdoing. Fun B-movie stuff as I give it 2 stars.

Panic at Lakewood Manor (DVD/YouTube) – A ‘made-for-TV’ film from the 70s that was also known as ‘Ants!’ and also known as ‘It Happened at Lakewood Manor’. An all-star cast is at the lakeside hotel that may or may not be up for sale to an oncoming asshole. But what little the guests know is that they are all about to be invaded by what was believed to be harmless pests but now an angry army of ants. A construction crew working on a project next to Lakewood Manor disturbs a colony of ants that sends them descending onto the hundred year old hotel and it’s only a matter of time before people begin dying from the ant bites. A fun “when nature fights back” flick that will have your parents wanting more and bring up some embarrassing memories of your siblings who bothered them when the parents watched the first time around before cable as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #535

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Gross Movie Reviews #535

Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (DVD) – So in this 1995 entry it takes a whole two minutes for a vamp at a club to pick up a beautiful girl, bang her on the bar, then bite her to turn her. You know real life soft-core stuff that happens all the time. Of course it is not long before Will Spanner the lawyer is waist deep in the supernatural trying to help two cops solve this mysterious case of club murder. Just in case you need to know the vampires can survive sunlight for no reason at all while Will proves he is a weak ass warlock that has ever graced the screen. The sex scenes are the filler for this vamp filled adventure that I must point to those who believe ‘Troll 2’ is the worst film ever have never seen this piece of garbage. This entry is “Christmas Season Massacre’ bad folks with acting that might be the worst of the series yet? You’re not missing much here kids as I would just go on to movie number eight as I give this porn, oh I mean film 0 stars.

Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost (DVD) – Speaking of this entry it begins in 1692 where a servant of Satan is stabbed in the heart, burned at the stake, buried into a wall and marked to warn any who would try to disturb it. I had to laugh at this period scene as no one looked like they belonged in 1692… Anyway fast forward to present day 1996 a quirky couple buys a big old house in Salem where the servant of Satan was buried in the basement. What was real crazy was it took almost ten full minutes into the flick for our first graphic sex scene. This opener sex scene is for fans of food and fake sex but so much better than the last entry. Moving on Professor Dunaway who bought the house with his girlfriend teaches a class that touches on witchcraft which then in turn sets up the scene with his plumber neighbor. The dumb neighbor finds the crypt behind the wall in the basement thinking there is a leak and breaks it open. This unleashes the warlock that shakes the house to its core causing a witch hunter to immediately show up to cleanse the home or at least buy it from the couple. But the evil warlock’s ghost is not going to go quietly unless the couple is able fix the crypt trapping him again forever. This entry was much more tolerable and seem to keep it moving story wise as I have to give it 1 ½ stars.

Raw Force (DVD) – If someone explained this film to people who never heard of it you would call bullshit! Three guys from an American karate club are heading to a place called “Warrior’s Island”. Along their journey some sneaky dudes and bootleg Hitler don’t want the three to make it. Not because the island is full of cannibal monks who are trying to raise dead warriors of the past to fight karate club guys. But Bootleg Hitler is trying to move them along to a different island as Hitler and his cronies are trading women for jade and making a bundle on the mainland. Folks, some weird shit go down in this flick and it’s wonderful. So grab a six pack and some friends and enjoy as I give this hilarious mess 3 stars.

Cemetery of Terror (DVD) – If you claim you have seen all the zombie films ever made you haven’t laid eyes on this 1985 entry into the genre. It is Halloween and a group of friends head to an abandoned home for a party. When the girls think the party is a flop and want to be taken home the character Jorge finds a book that talks about the devil and raising the dead. Hold on kids as first the group of friends needs to visit the morgue to steal a body for their fake ritual they are going to have. If that isn’t enough the body the group of friends steals happens to be a notorious serial killer who does believe in the devil. They drop it in the graveyard, read some nonsense from the book, it begins to storm, presto changeo the dead rise! As the undead killer slashes his way through the friends, a Mexican version of ‘The Goonies’ breaks out with some trick-or-treaters as a side story. I didn’t love it but was surprised how entertained by it I was as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

Fleshburn (DVD) – In 1975 Calvin a Vietnam vet was placed in an insane asylum because he was deemed, “Not to know right from wrong any longer.” Some time passes and Calvin breaks out of his hell to track down the four doctors who put him there. Once captured he takes the four out to the desert to be in their own hell as the desert will decide their fate. Most the film is the four doctors struggling to cope with finding shelter, water, etc., in the desert knowing Calvin is watching. Mostly it was a terrible decision to waste the talent of Sonny Landum as Calvin as he doesn’t have much screen time even though he is the main character. Plus, the ending of this film just sucks out loud leaving you question what you may have done if this happened to you? For that I could only give this film 1 star as it left a bad taste in my mouth because I was expecting much more.

The New Mexico Weed Wacker Massacre (DVD) – There is now a three-way tie for “worst movie ever” between this film, ‘The Christmas Season Massacre’, and ‘Witchcraft VII’! But and there is a big BUT, I wanna remake this film… Now that you question reading any of my reviews ever this 2008 47 ½ minute film is centered on an angry old war vet named Frank. His wallet has been stolen, can’t get disability, and Frank wants revenge on the world. Next thing you know a dude in a 80s Mylec goalie mask with a weed wacker goes on a killing spree in this terrible creation that I couldn’t stop watching. The film is so terrible but literally the filmmaker went out of their way to make this terrible as the movie was supposed to be a horror spoof that doesn’t reveal this more than halfway through. The editing is piss poor, there is a random scene playing on top of another scene, the sound is all over the place, dead characters move (not on purpose), characters are fed lines during scenes, and it’s an abomination. Come on kids you make the directors of ‘Jagoff Massacre’ seem like Oscar winning filmmakers. Now saying that, I wanna remake this garbage called a film as I give 0 stars and believe it can be made better.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh (DVD) – This mid-90s entry begins with a ‘Witchcraft’ clip show and we get independent vet Stephanie Beaton playing Detective Lutz and for good reason. Our lawyer Will Spanner is dead and wanders the Earth searching for the reason why no one can see him until he runs into a smoking hot escort (Sheila) who recently had a near death experience. This experience allows her to hear Will Spanner and try to help him as he tries to help her. But the real question is why does this escort keep putting money in her thong? Isn’t that counterproductive or impractical? Sheila now goes out of her way to help Will as she believes in him being a gentleman. We get less sex scenes for this 1997 entry but they are much more graphic and seem more scripted or geared to audiences of the late 90s that refused to watch full porn? I have to give this entry 1 ½ stars just for Landon Hall’s performance as the escort.

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (DVD) – This 1998 sequel takes Stephanie Beaton aka Detective Lutz to the UK where she is there to help the Brits with their bisexual vamp problem. You know the genre that haunted the shelves of video stores for about a three year period. Also I thought ‘Witchcraft IX’ could not be topped in the sex scene department well part ten proved me wrong as they decided to have two graphic sex scenes going at the same time. They go back and forth for a few minutes! And just to top it off we get Stephanie Beaton in an erotic bubble bath. Hey weirdos you there was some awesome porn in the 90s right? But I am getting off subject as Lutz helps UK authorities to crack down on these vamps so they can no longer exist. If there is one thing I take away from this film is I do wander if the director Michael Paul Girard truly made the first schlocky porn? For this and Stephanie Beaton I give it 1 ½ stars.

Altitude (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren and a few others hijack a plane to capture an ex-partner Terry who has just stolen from them. But unbeknownst to the feisty hijackers Denise Richards is a FBI agent who is going to stop the hijacking! Wait… WTF? Okay folks I gave the film a chance especially since Lundgren’s character stays in the cockpit the whole film but there was a fight between Denise Richards’s character and Chuck Liddell. Yep, that is not happening this movie should have ended there as Dolph collected a paycheck and I wanna know what the hell Denise Richards do to her face… Bad move, as I give this 1 star. 

Grizzly II: Revenge (DVD) – It’s the 80s people of course there is going to be an unregulated concert in a national park and a crazed bear is causing chaos. The unknown unfinished film that has wandered the bootleg bins for quite a while has been pseudo-finished by a company that most likely figured out how to get around the rights issues. Someone died or they just chose to edit out all the Michael Jackson stuff. So finally out of nowhere we get this supposedly finished sequel to the 1976 classic. For those who don’t know this film has a gathering of stars before they were stars in this production that took place in Hungry. After a ton of issues financially and behind the scenes the project was just considered lost. For a few years now the bootleg has shown up at every major horror convention for horror fans like me to be surprised by the stories and the film. The original work print, unfinished version was terrible. But hey we got to have it just because. Anyway a company come in edited it, did some color correction, and threw in some stock footage of a forest and presto changeo you have a finished film sort of. It is still a story about Grizzly’s cub is shot by poachers and Mama is pissed. So the grizzly just randomly hunts down campers and eventually ends up at this most random concert in a park ever. Meanwhile park rangers are told by concert promoters to get rid of the problem quietly. This newer edited footage is a more coherent version of the film but I feel the asking price for this DVD or Blu-ray is still too much as it is a bare bones disc. Plus as much I wanted this out there legit I feel fans got a little cheated or misled as there was info out there they were supposedly adding or using found unused footage of the film in this newer version? Who knows for sure as my podcast partner Kyle would say, “Buyer beware…” as I give it 2 stars for being completely finished maybe but the luster of it being something few know about is gone and will debated over beers in the future.

Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (DVD) – This new entry of the millennium brings back genre vet Stephanie Beaton as Detective Lutz and the Will Spanner character and not even 30 seconds in kids people are bumping uglies! Once we get that ugliness out of the way we have three way too sexy drama students who get topless in a graveyard for inspiration to breathe life into their performances on stage. Unknowing the threesome conjures something evil but not more of a douchebag than their drama teacher. It may have happen because they wanted to be in touch with their inner witches (I am trying hard here to make sense of this). Some weird things happen between the three women as they are slowly possessed by this evil to eventually two of them have a threesome with the drama teacher. You would think this would be the highlight of the ‘Witchcraft’ sexcapades but this may have been the shortest and unsatisfying moment of the series? But they more than make up for it killing the drama teacher with stabbing to the eyes and giving us a good bit of blood and guts! After this little ritual it becomes clear they are possessed to bring forth Abaddon. Most of the film is laughable but they do squeeze in some classic corny porn music and for that I give it 1 star.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #534

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Gross Movie Reviews #534

Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator (DVD) – This 1989 spoof comedy of sorts lies to you because we never get to see Stephanie thrown into the incinerator! This is more of a tale of ridiculousness as some rich friends get bored every year and do a bad reenactment of ‘Clue’. If there wasn’t much cooler flicks out there from the late 70s and early 80s that already did this better this film would be more of the worthwhile search but in the end I can only give it 1 ½ stars.

Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart (DVD) – Our sequel starts with possibly the lamest opening of a film ever that has a young couple Pete and Nora out in the woods alone and the actress playing Nora sounds completely monotone when she is in distress. But moving on it has been three years since William the lawyer has used his warlock powers and now just works insurance cases. But when Nora goes missing and Pete is the only one being accused, Pete’s sister needs help so she comes to see William. Once they meet and William agrees to help this sets the tone for the rest of the movie as it plays out like a cheesy film noir with a three minute stripper scene that stars Julie Strain! Even though the film feels cheesy throughout it had a good flow, Julie Strain, a weird backstory for Strain’s character that keeps William interested in trying to help, for that I got to give it 2 stars.

Witchcraft V: Dance With the Devil (DVD) – This might be where the series starts to derail as the only thing left from the first four films story wise is the William character now played by a different actor. So “Bootleg” Ronnie James Dio comes to town and takes over a shady ass club and uses it to take souls. If Mr. Bootleg collects enough he can bring Satan into this world or just have an excuse to have even more naked people than this sequel. This sequel also begins the soft-core porn stuff literally as people seem to be having sex about every 8 to 10 minutes throughout. I’m not complaining but wanted to point out and give credit to the writers and director that were sure to have concerned girlfriend character Kelly care what her reverend thought of her boyfriend. She thought something wrong is going on with him so she turns to the man of the cloth she knows but hey never mind Kelly and the boyfriend have been living in sin the whole time! This is where we can see what these movies were being made for and it wasn’t exactly aimed at the horror fans as I give this 1 star.

Witchcraft VI: The Devil’s Mistress (DVD) – Oh in this 1994 sequel we meet a hunk named Jonathon that enjoys picking up young attractive women and dropping them off dead all over the city for detectives to find and be baffled by the motive. After a couple victims and the press calling it a “serial killer killing spree” a connection to a body in San Francisco is made in the now the detectives highly believe the possibility of the supernatural being involved. The coppers track down William because of his knowledge of the occult and ask for help. They bring in William in this hilarious scene where the detectives’ interview: fortune tellers, psychics, and other crazies that just mark the beginning of the downward spiral of William into witchcraft that he never wanted to begin with. Again this film goes out of its way to be filled with soft-core porn scenes (lots of big boobs, no dongs, but there is a tight dude butt!) I cannot confirm this but I thought I seen this sequel being sold in the famous “Adam & Eve” catalog at one point? You know kids that thing before the internet? Anyway lots of people banging not many people dying as I give it a ½ star… Next time throw a naked dong in to complete the trifecta?

The Mutilator (Blu-ray) – It was time to revisit this low budget slasher film from the early 80s as I didn’t get to see it then and only learned about it in the late 90s, early 2000s when it was being found on the bootleg market. Arrow Video recently corrected this problem putting together a 2-disc “must-have” edition for any horror fan. I myself remembered liking it the first time around but it was some crappy quality. Anyway, most of the gore takes place late in the movie but is well worth the watch if you are a gorehound. A father seeks revenge on his son Ed years later after his son accidentally shoots and kills his mother with a loaded rifle. Our tale goes forward when Ed gets a call from his father to go close down his beach condo during ‘Fall Break’ (which also was the original title). Ed and his friends decide to take advantage of this and go to party before they close it up for the winter but Ed’s father has other plans. Arrow Video not only restored the original unrated version of the film cleaned it up so much it was like watching this movie again for the first time. This of course means we get to see the famous giant fish hook with the girl parts for a wonderful death scene! But Arrow Video didn’t stop there as they loaded it up with a couple funny commentaries, a feature-length documentary (which was eye-opening on the background of this film), original music, and alternate opening titles that played with the movie before anyone knew about it. It does not happen often but I think I like this film more now than then because of this 2-disc Blu-ray from Arrow as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Running Time (Blu-ray) – Leave it to Josh Becker to come up with a cool idea for a film starring Bruce Campbell that doesn’t get seen and appreciated by many fans as it deserves. It’s a black and white project from 1996/1997 where it was shot and edited into one continuous shot by Becker that is a crime drama with a small cast. Bruce Campbell is Carl who is literally just released from prison and after getting his freak on with a girl he had crush on in high school is ready for a heist… that involves the prison he was released from! Once Carl’s best friend and Carl begin their journey into the heist what can go wrong, goes wrong quickly: flat tire, wrong safe, unknown strung-out getaway driver, people dying of heart attacks, a friend’s watch stolen, and Carl getting shot during this mess of chaos. Carl forever optimistic, money or no money must pick between his best friend or start all over with a girl he had a crush on. A super well-balanced, entertaining flick that should satisfy any bitter film junkie out there that doesn’t believe anything good is being released for the public to view. If anything this project further cements that Josh Becker can make something out of nothing no matter what genre it is. The Blu-ray is packed by Synapse Films with fun tidbits such as a fun commentary from Josh Becker and Bruce Campbell, film footage of a Q&A at a film festival the film was a part of, plus a great interview with Mr. Campbell giving the backstory on this project and comparing it to much bigger films. I have a feeling Synapse Films has a quick seller on their hands as I give this Blu-ray 3 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Infra-man (DVD) – This 1975 project is also known as ‘The Super Infra-man’ for no other reason that I can think of but we do have a weird alien princess and a bionic superhero if you were not aware of this title. Alien princess is pissed off, causes a crap load of disasters, and threatens to enslave all the humans. To fight the alien princess a professor has invented a formula that can turn a man into a bionic superhero that is indestructible and rid the earth of this life-threatening menace. This Hong Kong film clearly has to be the beginning of ‘Power Rangers’ and people cosplaying because there is just a bunch of weird monsters running around the movie fake fighting. Good, bad, whatever you think I give it 2 stars as this just didn’t flip my switch.

Walking the Edge (DVD) – A title under the Empire Pictures umbrella that you would never expect from them that stars Robert Forester, Joe Spinell, and Nancy Kwan. A gritty revenge flick that starts off with a quick bang as Spinell and his cronies visit Kwan’s home looking for her husband. He shows up and things go bad quick as Spinell shoots the kid and father as Kwan runs off. Now with Kwan on the loose Spinell has some loose ends to tie up. Meanwhile Forester plays a cabbie that runs numbers for the mob and sometimes has a nice streak that doesn’t serve him well in the business he is in. Kwan and Forester cross paths after Kwan collects herself and uses the cab to take her places and gun down the people involved killing her family. A gritty thriller I never heard of until recently that was an excellent watch as I give it 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #533

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Gross Movie Reviews #533

Creepies (DVD) – At an undisclosed secret military base two army privates are busy playing grab ass and just happened to unleash mutant spiders! It doesn’t take long for these mutant arachnids to spread out and cause death and mayhem. From there the film goes into insane mode with its miniature effects whether its spiders, cars blowing up, buildings catching fire, etc. If that isn’t enough the mutant spiders have had enough of listening to bad cover bands in a crappy studio that is the second of two sets that the film uses for 90% of the film. This of course sets up the filler for the film of a bad girl band struggling to survive the mutant spiders in a studio while the military tries to contain it to the city. If it matters in the end everything gets nuked anyway so for that I give it 1 star.

Slaxx (Shudder) – Libby is a young lady who is lucky enough to be starting a new job at a super popular clothing store “CCC”. The store is all about a better tomorrow using experimental cotton for their new killer jeans “Super Shapers”! These pants are amazing as they will fit male or female, overweight or underweight and make you look wonderful. Unaware the employees who try to see how the jeans fit before anyone else get murdered by the experimental pants as they want revenge. To compound the problem once Libby and employees figure this out the store is on lockdown and makes it impossible to call authorities in. On the other hand Libby’s manager is all about saving the store so he can be promoted and sell the shit out of these jeans when morning hits no matter how many people die. The film has some inventive kills, touches upon a lot of millennial themes, and at about the 40 minute mark the film goes completely bonkers which just excited me! Where films like the overrated ‘Rubber’ and lackluster ‘Killer Sofa’ fail, ‘Slaxx’ puts on a show as I give one of the best films of 2021 4 stars.

The Jungle (DVD) – Another average found footage film that was made in 2012 about a character Larry Black who is a wild animal expert and film’s his expeditions. This latest one was a little different as he is heading to Indonesia to hopefully track and tag a leopard that was believed to be extinct? As Larry and his team get drawn into the rainforest deeper and deeper they come to the conclusion they might be tracking a much bigger unknown creature. What could have been interesting… fails as like a good bit of found footage films the movie feels long, dumb, and boring even with it not being that long of a film in reality. Pass over this found footage film as I give it 1 star if you come across it.

Tales of the Uncanny (Blu-ray) – A documentary from Severin Films that covers the history of anthologies… Interesting stuff. Over 60 producers, critics, filmmakers discuss the beginning of anthologies and raise the question about their impact on the industry over the years. This wonderful documentary covers all of them and for young and old horror fans alike. Yes they talk ‘Creepshow’ but also goes through some unknown gems and discuss how some came about. They did this during the pandemic last year which adds a different quality to this documentary and separates it from your average documentary as I give it 4 stars of course.

Witchcraft (DVD) – So I wanted to start watching this series so of course you got to start with the first film which was released all the way back in 1988. Oh by the way in case you are unaware there 16 of these… for now. This low budget horror about witches and warlocks centers in on Grace who just had a baby and her husband pushes her to stay with his mother until she gets her strength back. Never a good idea in general as anyway it doesn’t take long for things to get strange but what drives it home that Grace isn’t just thinking weird things is when Father James shows up. Father James has a horrible reaction to what he sees in the family and begs Grace to come to church the next day as you know will solve everything in life? With soon a dead priest and Grace no longer trusting her husband who is a warlock by the way Grace must fight her way out of this satanic web of crazy and save her baby. I give the first entry 2 stars.

Godzilla vs. Kong (On Demand) – Forces have been trying to protect Kong from Godzilla as they believe Godzilla could kill him. But things have changed recently in Godzilla’s behavior and cause them to move Kong to a new home. A scientist believes he has found the entrance to “Hollow Earth” and knows how to survive entry if they can get Kong to pinpoint its exact location? Meanwhile the Apex Corporation is working on a Mechagodzilla to put a stop to Godzilla and possibly Kong to be on the safe side. “Hollow Earth” has a power source only like one other and that is Godzilla and they want to use it to fuel their Mechagodzilla. It was good but not great but hey, don’t let that stop you from enjoying the year’s first big popcorn flick as I give it 3 stars.     

Witchcraft 2: The Temptress (DVD) – The second entry into this series from 1989 has a witch from the previous film back to stalk and haunt a young stud. She would to have him for her evil ways and hang with Satan, but the young William isn’t having it. The witch even lowers herself to wearing a stripper outfit while cleaning leaves out of the gutters to get William’s attention. But when that doesn’t work of course you get lower with ghost rape but that doesn’t matter in the end cause love conquers all as I give this sequel 1 ½ stars.

Witchcraft 3: The Kiss of Death (DVD) – I could just summarize this film as: no budget, no script, but a dozen ideas and nothing works but that isn’t fun. So we have a pro-bono lawyer named William who has a past with witches (still connecting it to the past two films) who is a good man trying to do the right thing. But William unknowingly befriends a warlock who sucks the life from women to keep his girlfriend Roxy alive. Lewis the warlock interrupts everything in William’s life including the relationship with his hot girlfriend who is ready to settle down. As people begin to die or disappear it really comes down to the warlock just wanting to bang William’s hot girlfriend on a regular basis and who can blame him as I give the third entry 1 star.

Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (YouTube/DVD) – Hey you… need a WTF Bigfoot film in your life? Well this 1977 Italian/Canadian production will your void and more. A retired professor Henry Wasserman is led out of retirement by a good friend with a document claiming they found “Yeti” in an iceberg. Once the professor sees it for his own eyes he takes control in melting the ice off of it in order to preserve this magnificent find. They revive the Yeti and it rampages but settles once it makes friends with Mr. Hunnicutt’s grandkids. But hey there are plans for this big ass Yeti so let’s take it to Toronto so it can rampage there too. Point of the film is a Yeti can be nice unless taken out of it natural habitat… I think as I give this weird mess 2 stars.

Witchfinder General (DVD) – It is 1645 and England is in the middle of a civil war as Vincent Price as Matthew Hopkins is in charge of traveling the English countryside and deciding who is a witch. If he finds supposed witches he has his companion convict and kills them. With each witch they collect a bag of silver so of course the Witchfinder always finds a witch in each village he visits. But after Matthew and his companion rape a young woman Sara and destroy her uncle because of witchcraft her fiancée Richard Marshall a young soldier seeks revenge. The soldier swears he will ravage the Witchfinder Hopkins when found. Usually with Mr. Price you are guaranteed a fun time but this seems to lack the spark most of his films have and why this Vincent Price film is not talked about much? Either way if you are a fan you need to check it out once as I give it 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #532

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Gross Movie Reviews #532

 

Allan Ouartermain and The Lost City of Gold (DVD/YouTube) – Richard Chamberlin is back as Quartermain and Sharon Stone as Jesse and they are talking marriage until someone comes out of the jungle talking about Quartermain’s brother and The Lost City of Gold and might be dead. So of course Quartermain goes looking for him and Jesse is not happy delaying the wedding and having another near death experience. Allan find his brother and The Lost City of Gold rather quickly but they find out that the people who live there are under control of a demanding slave trader (Henry Silva and Cassandra Peterson) who claim to be a god but really just stealing the gold. A fun follow up from 1987 that is worth checking out if you enjoyed the first film as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Bunker: Project 12 (DVD) – During the Cold War Russian scientists were working on a secret project that involved super soldiers but was after funding was cut in 1973 the scientists disappeared. Henderson (Eric Roberts) who is one of the most renowned scientists pays some mercenaries to track down these lost scientists so they can access this hidden bunker and gather information of this project. Once there documents are found going step by step on the old project but there is also something waiting for them. Since this story has been done to death recently the writer throws in a storyline with one of the mercs turning on the team to gain more money. Love seeing Eric Roberts but this lackluster feature highly lacked some of the films with similar storylines in the past. In the end wished they would have at least tried to do something different but they went with what works but just not in this project as I give 1 star.

 

Mystery of the Wax Museum (DVD/YouTube) – Stop me if you heard this one before? After a fire in a London wax museum to collect insurance money a new one pops up in New York. Not too long after its opening bodies begin to go missing from the city morgue and show up at the life like museum people are raving about. This 1933 feature sounds a lot like ‘House of Wax’ with Vincent Price but with a few differences. ‘House of Wax’ is always wonderful but you can now see where it got its influence as this was a fun find for me as I never seen this flick until now. This is some fun stuff to check out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Cheerleader Camp to the Death (DVD) – A Dustin Ferguson joint for no money where cheerleaders from different schools head out to camp for three days to work, relax, and unplug. So who cares cheerleaders died the year before at Horizon Fields Camp in a weird sprinkler accident, they are there to have fun and work on the newest routines. Of course once coach goes missing the girls refuse to see there is a problem until it’s too late as they are being killed off by a person dressed as a panda. Not covering new territory but there is a wonderfully hilarious scene around the campfire where one of the cheerleaders tells a story about a 12 inch cock! “Because, it is like an urban legend or… something!” This Indy flick as a couple laughs but not enough gore for me but its short running time does make it a quick out as I give it 2 stars.

Corporate Cutthroat Massacre (DVD) – This unknown 2009 feature has Brandi Babcock as the boss of an office that she is claiming getting pressure from up top for her staff to work harder as the numbers are down. So after firing a person or two explains all must stay after hours to get all their sales together from the past three quarters. If they do not or whoever has the lowest they will be fired also. Brandi needs to fix it fast as “Corporate” is losing money! As the night moves along people who work in the office begin to disappear as you wonder are they fired or has Brandi finally pushed someone to kill? No matter what none of them are good enough in Brandi’s eyes as I give this half step above dullness 1 ½ stars.

 

Promising Young Woman (On Demand) – Cassie is a young woman whose life hasn’t gone exactly the way she dreamed of. Now 30, working at a coffee shop, and still living at home with the parents Cassie hasn’t wanted to tackle life goals as with her complicated past she just goes to bars and gets revenge on guys by letting them think she is drunk and fucks with them. Then one day happiness shows up for her but when she is about to believe her life has taken a great turn her complicated past comes back to haunt her in a horrible way. The only way to deal with it is the only way Cassie knows how haunt it and the people who were a part of it back! A fun revenge film I give 3 stars too.

 

The Shadow of the Cat (DVD/YouTube) – Another old school flick I never had the pleasure of viewing as a child an old woman named Ella is killed off by three greedy people close to her and the cat witnessed it. Now as the three murderers try to cover up the cat is haunting them as much as it can. Thus making it difficult to get away with when Ella’s favorite niece Beth shows up and the cat likes her. Authorities get involved but keep being side tracked by the family so they all can split up the fortune and find Ella’s real will to burn it. A fun PG rated early 60s horror film that we get another of someone explaining cats stealing people’s breath… TOLD YOU ITS REAL as I give the flick 2 stars.         

Massacre (DVD) – Another late 80s film with the title ‘Massacre’ that was also known in some countries as ‘The Border of Tong’ starring David Heavener. Heavener is Detective Walker who is investigating some horrible murders in Chinatown. While he has no leads a gang known as The Tong is looking for a missing black book that has names and numbers that could ruin things for them in the long run. But the hard-nose detective refuses to let borders get in the way of a good investigation has he tracks down a suspect into Canada. I would love to say this crime thriller gets good but stays consistently dull throughout with a little spice in the middle where the suspect falls in love with a runaway sex slave. They get a room in Calgary and try to live a normal life until The Tong and Walker come a knocking. Don’t worry in the end it all works out as the good guy catches all the bad guys as I give it 1 star for David Heavener’s first film.

 

Street Hunter (DVD/YouTube) – This is one of those crazy B-action flicks that went straight-to-video that stars a host of people that makes you ask in wonder, “They are in this?” Steve James is Logan Blade, a lone wolf bounty hunter who was wronged as an officer of the law. Logan just happens to witness a big time drug dealer (John Leguizamo) have a mercenary (Reb Brown) on the payroll who has trained the dealer’s cronies into an army that is ready to take over the streets for the Columbians. The only person that can stop them is Logan and now they have his girl and they killed an old friend on the force. Get ready for a huge squibfest in this slightly fun action flick as I give it 2 stars.

 

Raiders of the Golden Triangle (DVD/YouTube) – Two rival gangs fight over opium in the mountains of Asia that is called “The Golden Triangle”. A Hong Kong officer goes undercover and is able to become a member of one these gangs so he can stop the big drug operation. The film is self-explanatory but felt like I would have enjoyed this much more if I actually got high or had drank a ton of alcohol as I give it 1 star.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !  

Gross Movie Reviews #531

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Gross Movie Reviews #531

 

The Bubble (DVD/YouTube) – A 1966 film that some people may know as ‘Fantastic Invasion of Planet Earth’ and at the time of its release was called ‘The Zoo 3-D’ in some territories. A happily young married couple with their first child on the way jump into a charter plane that gets hit by a strange storm. The couple and pilot are able to land safely but find themselves in a strange small town where all the residents seem zombified or controlled? All three being completely weirded out decide it is a movie lot of some kind to explain away the oddness. But when they track down a vehicle and drive out of there they find a glass wall keeping them in. Now all three don’t know if it’s real or they have just gone crazy from the beginning? Things get a good weird from there as the three spend weeks including having the baby on trying to figure out a way out and why everyone is zombified. An excellent weird watch that I am surprised hasn’t shown up on some of the horror host shows as it seems like it would be PG rated… Anyway I give this oddity 3 stars.

 

Hysterical (DVD) – Another horror spoof from the early 80s that I only heard of but didn’t know it really existed. This one consists of a big time author from New York who gets away from it all to actually write his masterpiece and what better place than Hellview, Oregon. A quiet small place that has a haunted lighthouse where of course the author enjoys but ignores the warnings. When Captain Howdy’s corpse appears two professors are brought in to discover why? But it’s been a hundred years since he, his mistress, and wife died during a storm and its time cause chaos! Oh by the way the whole town is being turned into zombies while this is all going on. There are quite a few subtle laughs in this one as this might not be as over the top as some of the spoofs can be as I give this 3 stars.

 

Transylvania Twist (DVD/YouTube) – A horror spoof from 1989 that centers on a man named Dexter Ward who travels to L.A. to retrieve info on a book for his uncle who has returned from the dead to work again in the Arkham Library. But Dexter finds himself wrapped up in something else when he and a beautiful actress named Marissa are invited to Transylvania because of her father dying. Eventually Van Helsing joins the show and escorts the couple to Castle Orlock as there is a vampire (Robert Vaughn) waiting for their arrival. If this vamp gets his claws on the Book of Ulthar it could spell doom for all humans. A hilarious spoof on the Dracula story using footage of ‘The Terror’ and Boris Karloff throughout, also you will not forget the hilarious beginning of the film poking fun at Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and Michael Myers. The biggest payoff which I totally forgot and worth a rewatch just because is Angus Scrimm as the vamp’s butler and yes you get a wonderful ‘Phantasm’ spoof! The film is lots of fun when jokes are going but does have a few dull spots that has not aged well since its initial release but I still give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Saturday the 14th Strikes Back (DVD/YouTube) – The 1988 unexpected sequel disconnects from the original story and goes a little different where a family has just inherited a home and instead of the “Book of Evil” their new home was built on a crack in the earth that holds all the monsters from the underworld. This where Eddie Baxter who was about to have the best summer ever because he turns 16 instead is forced to save the world. This crack causes some weird things like a vampire hanging out in his bedroom grooming him for the monsters arrival. But Ray Walston as fake grandpa is there to protect Eddie and help lead him in stopping the monster invasion. The first half of the horror spoof is hilarious and goes great but by the end I was just waiting for the film to end as it loses steam and I give it 2 stars.

 

Paintball Massacre (DVD) – Some old school friends get together for a reunion and a morning of paintball games. Not the greatest idea for all but they do it anyway and all goes well for some time until one team is completely slaughtered and now the school friends are being stalked and shot at by a paintball masked maniac. The film has some fun gory parts and a character you will enjoy hating or root for (you’ll understand) but the ending falls flat and felt they may never had a true ending written to begin with as I give it 1 ½ stars.

People to Kill (DVD) – Apparently this was Adam S. Clevenger’s first effort out as he wrote and directed this interesting thriller. Shawn and two brothers still live and hang with their father as their mother died five years ago after reading about the “Lullaby Killer”. The family still trying to move on has their usual squabbles and Shawn gets a lot of the blame from his father. Shawn runs a Star Trek themed store called “Starbase”. This makes for some hilarious scenes with the customers and Shawn’s father while Shawn runs for coffee. Along the way he helps out the local hooker (Erin R. Ryan) who has an issue with her pimp. Shawn felt the need to step in as he has seen her every day for the past few months hanging out near his store. They quickly strike up a friendship and things get very complicated as that is about all I can say as a major twist happens. I didn’t exactly see this twist coming maybe you will but either way this film is an absolute gem of an independent feature. Mr. Clevenger wrote an excellent script, and casted an excellent group of actors that should be applauded for pulling off a great performance. Erin R. Ryan is always a wonderful presence on screen but all involved were equally great. There was only one thing bad that I could say about the film and that is the length (2 hours and 14 minutes). Now most cases there isn’t enough story to fill 70, 80, or even 90 minutes but this surprisingly had it but felt the 20 minute strip club could have been cut down. I totally understand why it wasn’t edited because there is some important dialogue that happens but felt at some point Adam could have moved on. If this was Adam’s first effort out then count me in for the future as I can see some entertaining stuff coming this dude as I give this must have film 3 ½ out of 4 stars. Good chance this shows up on my “Best of 2021 watched list”.

Devil Story (DVD) – This mid-80s film has a Nazi zombie roaming the French countryside stabbing people while a random mummy decides it is time to appear and terrorize all others. Zombie dude to me looks like movies in the late 60s and early 70s wanted you to think biker extras looked like? If that doesn’t make much sense just wait there is more as an old dude just keeps shooting a pump shotgun into the random countryside for the second half of the movie. The movie doesn’t make a lick of sense but I found it extremely entertaining as this must be watched in your next outdoor group setting as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Thing that Couldn’t Die (DVD) – A rando drive-in flick from the late 50s where a young woman has psychic powers and happens to disturb an evil beheaded pirate that has been buried for a few hundred years. Now that he is found she is the key for his head being reattached to his buried body. Yes it is stupid but doesn’t stop it from being entertaining 60 some odd years later as I give it 2 stars.

 

Bad Blood The Movie (DVD) – A recent low budget affair where a college girl name Victoria has taken a break from college to the dismay of her father who believes she is on “the drugs”. Victoria just trying to get away from it all for a night with her best friend is attacked at a gas station when they stop to get gas by a large amphibious creature. Victoria survives but is taken in by the gas station attendee. More on that in a little bit as you hear reports of a crazed man (Dr. Mark Beltran) has escaped custody with incredible strength. Victoria wakes up and it is explained to her she is now a part of some weird amphibious/werewolf experiment that went too far and the attendee is working on a cure with experimenting on frogs. To complicate things a private detective who is losing his mind and works for Victoria’s family screws up the cure and finds himself in a predicament! Weird as hell, some gore, awesome creature as I give this bad boy or girl 3 stars!

 

Darlin’ (DVD) – Ketchum’s trilogy moves on with the cannibal people as a feral teenage girl is pushed out of the woods to a hospital. The hospital unsure what to do with her as she has no injuries, cleans her up, try to communicate with her and send her to the Lord’s house for girls. There a nun/sister named Jennifer tries to take care of her, teach her, explain god, and get her to interact with the other girls that reside there. Problem an older cannibal sister is sniffing around for her sister because we come to find out (Darlin) the younger sibling is pregnant and this stirs up priest diddling! Most not the strongest of the trilogy but has a wonderful ending as I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

You can now purchase copies of Jagoff Massacre and our new feature Blood Freak DVDs online that I co-directed with Dan Boyd at https://drunkenyinzersproductions.company.site/ !