Gross Movie Reviews #402

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Gross Movie Reviews #402

 

Lights Out (DVD) – Maria Bello is a mom that is haunted by her past literally… A dead girl from her days in the crazy house still haunts her and now starting to haunt her young son. The older daughter stops having anything to do with nuttiness early in her teen years and left. Now her brother is getting the brunt of it she is worried. Every time the lights are turned out this ghastly thing appears until the lights are turned back on. A fun creepy ghost flick made for people under the age of 25 so enjoy as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Spy (DVD) – Surprisingly a funny ass movie that stars Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law, and Jason Statham. Melissa’s character sits behind a computer to help her super-hot spy agent through trouble when needed as she is his eyes and ears. When he is killed off supposedly it forces the agency to send someone in that the bad guys have never saw before, in comes Melissa McCarthy’s character. She goes into the field but it’s been a decade since she went through intense training. It is up to her to stop a sale of a nuclear device on the black market. Like I said it made me laugh more than I ever thought and for that I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Night Visitor (DVD) – A lesser known late 80s satanic flick about a high school kid named Billy. Billy believes he has seen his extremely hot piece of ass neighbor (Shannon Tweed) has been sacrificed to a higher power or lower power? He also believes it was his history teacher dabbling in some satanic stuff… Once the cops don’t believe him and think he is a possible suspect he visits a retired cop (Elliot Gould) for help. This little known film is worth tracking down for the watch because it also stars Michael Pollard, Richard Roundtree, and one of my favorite porn/horror actresses Teri Weigel! Think of it as a lighter horror/comedy that does not exist without ‘Evilspeak’ and ‘976-Evil’ being released first. I give the flick 3 stars folks.

 

Catacombs (DVD) – Just another example of missing the good old days of Charles Band and Empire Pictures. This flick takes place in the “Abbey” where priests go to further their studies. What most don’t know the priesthood in the 1500s banished some evil dude in the basement and buried it? Of course some young beautiful woman comes along and wants to study there too and it just happens the evil has awakened to start a bloodbath! Cheap, effective, and fun the Charles Band way you cannot go wrong. Example: there is a bad ass scene where a re-animated Jesus comes off the cross and kills one of the priests in the catacombs. We are talking a glorious kill here folks. In case you didn’t know this flick is a part of that new Blu-ray Empire Pictures box set that is limited. Another fun Empire Pictures flick gets 3 stars from me.

 

Shark Exorcist (DVD) – Some would say this idea was stolen from my mind in my sleep but the honor of bringing this glorious idea to life is Donald Farmer. A nun believes the world has betrayed her? So of course like all nuns that have been betrayed she kills a woman and throws her to the sea all in the name of revenge of bringing her a savior… And that is a possessed shark that bites a semi-good looking lady and possesses her to walk on land and cause havoc. Meanwhile, the host of a TV shows “Ghost Whackers” shows up to speak to the spirits of the sea to see why there is so many shark attacks? Once a brother of a priest named Father Michael is killed the priest becomes involved in solving this mystery. Who will stop the horror at Paris Landing Lake? Not totally sure but I believe Donald Farmer took some notes from ‘Roller Gator’ and shot a good random portion of the film at a fairgrounds for filler minus the Joe Estevez. Personally, I am just glad this film exists as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Six-String Samurai (DVD) – Ana amazing post-apocalyptic flick that ignores history and has the bombs go off in 1957 almost killing everyone. But Elvis is the king of Lost Vegas for 40 years and has just recently died. This means all the rock-n-rollers from all over the wastelands are trying to make it to Vegas to become the new “king”. But there is Buddy, who is just as good with his guitar as he is with his sword traveling across the wastelands slicing, dicing, and guitar licking his way to Vegas. Even Death is searching for Buddy so he cannot make it to Vegas. Death aka bootleg Rob Zombie fears if Buddy makes it he will be the “king”. Buddy must fight through the heat, Russians, other rock-n-rollers, the spinach monster, Death, and do it all while carrying along an orphan during his travel through the wasteland. The 3 ½ star film comes complete with the soundtrack done by “The Red Elvises”! Just watch the film and thank me later.

 

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (DVD) – In the Alps some dude has an experimental snow making machine that he is trying to impress a Russian investor. Investor gets hosed with green stuff and the local wildlife begins to drink it and we have zombies! Trapped on the mountain at a mountain inn at the end of the season a couple snowboarders must fight off hordes of zombies and an asshole that started the zombie infestation. Its ‘Dead Snow-lite’… Some fun effects and snowboarding zombies are cool but it makes you wanting another sequel to ‘Dead Snow’ as I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Violent Shit Collection (DVD) – For those movie fans that may not know this is a thing. But the ‘Violent Shit’ movies are an independent creation from a German filmmaker named Andreas Schnaas. His first flick that took a couple years to make in the late-80s was a gorefest that made fans all around the world. Well this collection is a five film set of the first four films up to 2010 and the special extra bonus of ‘Zombie 90: Extreme Pestilence’. Andreas came up with a character named “Karl the Butcher” who becomes the most notorious serial killer around. He brutalizes his way through victims through the first film; second film has Karl Jr., continuing the killing spree, third film has both Butchers on an island gathering an army, and the fourth film takes place in 2023 after the apocalypse and Karl escapes from hell to kill his son but instead teams up with him to lay waste to all the gangs in the wastelands! These were some stuff of legend among independent film fans for the extreme gore scenes. I was never a huge fan of the series but respect the hell out of Andreas Schnaas and Timo Rose for their passion of making gory independent films they enjoy. And now many others in Canada and the US can enjoy them all together finally in their remastered glory. Synapse Films as usual takes the pain staking task of giving ‘Violent Shit’ movie fans what they want and that is a box set. And for that I give it 3 out of 4 stars as the five disc set is available through www.synapse-films.com .

 

The Hound of the Baskervilles (DVD) – A wonderful late 50’s Hammer flick; stars Peter Cushing as Sherlock Holmes who is hired to protect Sir Henry (Christopher Lee). Sir Henry inherits a castle but also a curse after his uncle dies mysteriously. The curse has haunted the family for years after a hound of hell attacked a relative. But of course Holmes is more than up to the task proving this all wrong and protect Sir Henry from certain death. Great old school Hammer stuff that I give 3 stars.

 

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (DVD/Vimeo) – Asylum Entertainment takes a stab at the “King Arthur” tale as Bootleg Sean Bean aka Merlin and King Arthur banish Morgana and her son from earth. 1500 years pass and Morgana and son are back from their banishment searching for Excalibur. But things have change and even the descendants of King Arthur are totally sure Excalibur or the stories are real until they are faced with Morgana. Morgana forms an undead army to do the job her son cannot do and that is to steal the Holy Grail and kill the descendants of Arthur. If that wasn’t enough we get some bootleg Mortal Kombat stuff for the climax of the film in order for Morgana to be killed. As usual fun B-movie stuff that needs to premiere on the SyFy Channel Saturday nights as I give it 2 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.facebook.com/ocotbercoast .

 

Rattlers (DVD) – A hilarious mid-70s flick about a snake professor who is making some extra bucks checking out some unprovoked snake attacks. The snake attacks all seem to happen after the military buried some bad stuff in an old cave in the desert. These mad animal B-flicks are great for movie watching parties as I give it 2 stars.

The Dark Tapes (On Demand) – The film is a series of “dark tapes” or stories over the course of several years that tackles evil or evil entities that exist. The series of stories are fun creepy feel that concern a science experiment with possible demons from a parallel world, how the paranormal affects a young couple in their new house, strange things that happen with Cam Girls, and a woman who changes and begins her fight with her nightmares after a horrible incident at a friend’s party. All the stories are different but have a similar creepy and interesting tone that will capture the imagination of movie fans who enjoy stuff like: ‘The Innkeepers’, ‘V/H/S’ and ‘Grave Encounters’. One of the more intelligent paranormal films I have the pleasure of watching. Without giving too much away I give this cool project 3 out of 4 stars. You can check out more about the film at www.facebook.com/thedarktapesmovie and www.thedarktapes.com .

 

Where Have All The People Gone (YouTube/DVD) – An ABC movie of the week in late 1974 of a family trying to deal in the post-apocalyptic world! The film stars Peter Graves as a father of a family who happen to be in some mountain caves when an eruption/explosion/earthquake happens. When they come out the radio is out and their friend is really sick. They eventually believe a possible nuclear attack happen and believe fallout is killing them and their friend. So the family makes their way down the mountain trying to conserve food and water and save their friend. When they turn away he dies and turns to dust. When they finally get back to what they think is civilization in Rainbow, Ca. all they find is people who turned to dust and killer dogs. Unsure of what to do they decide to make their way to their million dollar Malibu home to find mom had died too. So they move out to Northern California to become farmers and apparently solar flares from the sun killed everyone! Oh the 70s TV movies I miss thee as I give you 2 stars.

 

Fair Game (YouTube/DVD) – A mid-80s Australian flick that pits a woman who runs a wildlife sanctuary against three men who enjoy a great deal of hunting on her property. After she is almost killed and run off the road by the three and authorities don’t believe her. The film becomes your cat and mouse chase film as they torture and drag her all over the outback. Once back home she lures the men into her compound to destroy them with traps she set up. All 80s Australian flicks have a certain charm but this film loses it quickly as you get bored waiting for it to end. The trailers are much better than the movie as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #377

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Gross Movie Reviews #377

 

Charlie’s Farm (DVD) – A group of four people that includes my favorite Tara Reid travel into the outback looking for a farm. This particular farm is part of an urban legend of where cannibals were gunned down by the locals’ years ago. Rumor is their fucked up cannibal son “Charlie” still roams the farm feeding on whatever may pass by and that includes the individuals looking into the legend. Once there they hook up with another curious couple about the place and they all die gruesomely. The cast is rounded out by Bill Moseley, Kane Hodder, and Nathan Jones. Australian horror films are always a lot of fun and this is no different as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Reptilian (DVD) – A South Korean film about a Yongary? But is not a remake of the older South Korean giant reptile film. With that out of the way some dinosaur bones have been discovered that are supposedly 50 times larger than a T-Rex! Once the bones are exposed aliens are alerted and bring the monster to life to kill all humans. Apparently this film was made in 1999 right after a strict policy on filmmaking in South Korea was lifted and was their answer to ‘Godzilla’? Always enjoy giant rubber monster fun as I give this flick 2 stars.

 

Bloodsucking Bastards (DVD) – A very hilarious vampire flick about a couple office slackers and their best friend who is trying to break into management. They work for a firm/company that sells the boner pills, abs-flex, etc. They phone sales people who call and try to suck you into deals for shit you don’t need. Well higher-ups have decided it’s time for a shake-up and bring in someone new who has a different way of getting the most out of his sales team. He turns them into vampires that apparently make a ton of sales and don’t complain about work conditions. When it’s almost too late the slackers and best friend realize vampires have taken over their company and they must look up on Wikipedia on how to kill them? Underrated gory awesomeness best describes this 3 ½ star horror film.

 

The Comedy of Terrors (DVD) – An absolute delightful horror/comedy from the mid-60s starring Vincent Price as a drunk undertaker who is about to be evicted by Basil Rathbone and keeps trying to feed poison to his father-in-law Boris Karloff. If that isn’t enough in order to scare up business Price’s character convinces his assistant Peter Lorre to begin murdering people so they make the rent or they all will be thrown out on the street. As usual Price is amazing and for that I give this 4 stars.

 

Captain America: Civil War (Theater) – The third film in the ‘Captain America’ series lives up to the hype and comes off more like a sequel to ‘The Avengers’ series. The whole point to the film is the team turns on each other as they pick sides of who is for saving Bucky. But the savior of the film in my opinion is the new Spidey. Or is it the old Spidey? The point is Spider-man steals the show with his onscreen antics and proves that Disney/Marvel understood they screwed up with doing the ‘Amazing Spider-man’ films. If you enjoyed the recent Marvel movies up till now you will most likely enjoy this one too. I give the film 3 stars, but the new/old Spider-man 4 stars and cannot wait to see Tom Holland in his own flick.

 

Zombie Militia (DVD) – A hilarious no budget short film from 2009 that isn’t meant to be taken serious but most horror fans know of someone or related to someone that would be the real-life version of this film… Jack is part of the ‘Zombie Militia’. They believe the government is trying to start the apocalypse, take your guns, etc. Well Jack is pumped up after the latest meeting in breaks into someone’s garage and believes he is stopping the zombie apocalypse? Filmed in Kokomo, Indiana by Squirrelly Cow Films and they can be found on Facebook: www.facebook.com/SquirrellyCowFilms . I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

I Spit on Your Grave 2 (DVD) – The sequel to the remake that really surprised me how much I liked it. This film has no connection to the first goes with another young woman named Katie Carter from the Midwest who has moved to New York City recently. She is model but finding it hard to get work in the big city. When faced with a decision she makes a horrible one by going to a free photographer in hopes of building a new portfolio? When the three creepy foreign dudes creep her out and she understands they just want naked pictures she leaves. So very creepy brother tracks down Katie and takes pictures of her in her bedroom and it spirals from there. The catch is they don’t rehash the first story as they go into a different direction with this rape/torture victim Katie. After her brutal rape from very creepy dude, his brother and best friend drug her, box her up, and ship her to freakin Bulgaria! Too of course do even worse shit. Once escaped, recaptured, raped, tortured horribly and left for dead. Katie is boxed up again and buried. Only to fall into abandoned sewer catacomb thingy where she scavenges for clothes and food (rat on a stick anyone?). Here she heals and plots her revenge but what also makes an interesting story is she finds a church where the priest immediately something horribly wrong has happened to this beautiful American girl. Instead of forcing God on her, he just tries to help at her pace and tries to bring the police in. But meanwhile Katie is beating a creepy dude into a shit filled toilet, cutting up another and shoving bugs and shit in his wounds, and puts another dude’s balls into a vise which by no means pretty… Again I was pleasantly surprised by the story change. Fun family entertainment folks as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

I Spit on Your Grave 3: Vengeance is Mine (DVD) – A little confusing at first but if you have seen the first film you know something is amiss as the Jennifer Hills character is now going by the name Angela. Angela is still having trouble moving on from the events of the first film. She is going to see a therapist who doesn’t seem to help but starts to go to group therapy where she meets a friend, someone to trust again, and her name is Marla. Angela and Marla become fast friends and Angela slowly opens up telling Marla her story. But Marla has rage and still wants a piece of vengeance especially sitting in group therapy and hearing the stories from young Cassie whose innocence has already been taken by her mom’s boyfriend. After sharing each other’s past lives Angela and Marla go and clobber the man that has ruined Cassie. The after effects Cassie is happy again and being treated with respect but Marla goes to visit her ex-boyfriend. A few days pass and Angela doesn’t think anything of it until she is at group therapy and told Marla is dead. Once the police can’t make charges stick Angela decides the only way to find happiness or piece of mind is through vengeance. Angela becomes Jennifer again and first on the list is Marla’s ex-boyfriend who gets penis head bitten off and his dick sliced in half like she was making some jerky. She goes completely off the range folks as she is now looking for revenge against all who have raped or even thought of rape. Including killing a dude by sticking a pipe up his ass! Interesting ending as we see Jennifer aka Angela being released after two years of jail but still has visions/dreams of slicing/dicing/torturing people. Even though the film is a little confusing at times with the dreams and name change I still surprised third entry in and it’s interesting. Fun stuff horror fans as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Phase IV (YouTube) – The film is on DVD but I watched it for our podcast Bloodbaths and Boomsticks. This is one of those 70s films always been interested in watching but never found time or always found something better and apparently it was for good reason. Ants are evolving and suddenly get smarter as they talk to each species of ant and slowly start attacking a desert town. Meanwhile a couple scientists try to do experiments and figure out if the ants are now at the top of the food chain? The film is a bit boring and maybe not as fun as ‘Empire of the Ants’ but nothing wrong with watching 70s film that is trying to scare the shit out of you claiming the world is going to end soon… I give it 1 ½ stars.

Revenge

Revenge of the Spacemen (DVD) – A little redneck community that is invaded by large green men aka aliens who are interested in probing everyone and everything. Which in turn the anal probing from the spacemen turns things green like them? But through stupidity and chaos the rednecks and a group of twenty-somethings figure out alcohol kills the aliens and cures the townsfolk. A fun independent project that is worthy of 50s and 60s film fans seeking out and enjoying its entertaining ridiculousness! I give the project 2 ½ out of 4 stars and you can find it at www.revengeofthespacemen.com plus the film has a Facebook page so go visit.

 

Deadpool (DVD) – Marvel/Disney dipping their toes into R-rated comic book movies again with this hilarious origin story of a man who has lung cancer and takes on an experimental process he wasn’t supposed to survive. Or if he did his mutant power would activate and save him. Soon Ryan Reynolds goes from hunk mercenary to ugly/super mutant/superhero whether he wants to or not. So Deadpool dedicates his life finding the bad guy who fucked his face up and make him return his hunk status. I laughed my ass more and more as the film went on and loved its connection to the X-men without being connected. Marvel/Disney you did a great job kids now go get Wesley Snipes and start making another damn ‘Blade’ film!!! I give Deadpool a well-deserved 4 stars.

 

Zoombies (DVD) – I enjoy Asylum Entertainment’s refusal to go away and bring us or should I say me, another zombie adventure that deals with zoo animals. Yep, ‘Zoombies’! Apparently, when animals are faced with extinction they either die off or evolve into zombies or Zoombies. A private zoo park is taking interns to help with funding new habitats and their financial bottom-line to stay open. With all that going on monkeys strangely die and turns into Zoombies that infect other animals and want to kill humans. From there it’s complete chaos as the police and CDC try to get inside and kill the animals but find it hard when there is a Zombie-lion eating them. This is one of those movies that was perfectly made for MSTK3000, Commander USA, USA Up All Night, etc. The film is so bad its good kinda thing as I give it 2 stars just for existing.

 

Muck (DVD) – A much misleading poster and title is about a group of college-aged people being stalked on St. Patrick’s Day by albino bald dudes and then tortured and murdered. The thing is the filmmaker tried to do something a little different where the film picks up with the group already been attacked and lost a friend somewhere in the marsh or starts at the 35 minute mark. With it beginning without a beginning you do get a lot of horror cliché jokes and more boobs than a Cinemax ‘After Dark’ soft-core porn! Personally at first glance I thought I was getting something like the ‘The Raft’ segment from ‘Creepshow 2’? But nope it was a weirdo flick where Kane Hodder is the leader of these random albino dudes who stalk humans. Lots of gore and some random horror fun but the film comes off more like an incomplete movie as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Spell

Spellcaster (VHS/Comet TV) – Here is a lost out-of-print title from the Charles Band Empire Pictures catalog that sports a lot of cool creature creations from John Carl Buechler. And I believe it does take place at the famous Charles Band castle that was in a lot of the early Full Moon flicks. But a brother and sister combo wins a chance to stay at a castle for a weekend in Italy so they can treasure hunt for a check worth a million dollars. It’s all sponsored by Rock TV (of course spoofing MTV at the time). The strange man (Adam Ant) that owns the castle refuses to show up at meals with the contestants but soon has fun killing them off one by one. One gets eaten by a demonic chair and another is turned into a man-pig. Plus William Butler shows up long enough to get blown up in a car. And a big time music star apparently made a deal for her soul to be a rock star. The film is a little dated but us old people and Empire Pictures fans it is a prime example of Charles Band goodness when he has money to produce it. I give ‘Spellcaster’ 3 stars and like to thank John Carl Buechler for being an amazing make-up/creature effects person!

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Episode 94 is now up!

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Jon Cross returns (applaud you guys!) And he brings with him a classic of British cinema in Get Carter.  JSB checks in with his pick from Australia Wake in Fright.  And Tim covers a possible precursor to the Puppet Master flicks with the Charles Band / Stuart Gordon production Dolls.  Along the way we talk about a lot of stuff about midgets. Terrible school teachers. And Mister Cross may or may not fall into a time loop. 

http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/

 

EPISODE 94