Gross Movie Reviews #534

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Gross Movie Reviews #534

Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator (DVD) – This 1989 spoof comedy of sorts lies to you because we never get to see Stephanie thrown into the incinerator! This is more of a tale of ridiculousness as some rich friends get bored every year and do a bad reenactment of ‘Clue’. If there wasn’t much cooler flicks out there from the late 70s and early 80s that already did this better this film would be more of the worthwhile search but in the end I can only give it 1 ½ stars.

Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart (DVD) – Our sequel starts with possibly the lamest opening of a film ever that has a young couple Pete and Nora out in the woods alone and the actress playing Nora sounds completely monotone when she is in distress. But moving on it has been three years since William the lawyer has used his warlock powers and now just works insurance cases. But when Nora goes missing and Pete is the only one being accused, Pete’s sister needs help so she comes to see William. Once they meet and William agrees to help this sets the tone for the rest of the movie as it plays out like a cheesy film noir with a three minute stripper scene that stars Julie Strain! Even though the film feels cheesy throughout it had a good flow, Julie Strain, a weird backstory for Strain’s character that keeps William interested in trying to help, for that I got to give it 2 stars.

Witchcraft V: Dance With the Devil (DVD) – This might be where the series starts to derail as the only thing left from the first four films story wise is the William character now played by a different actor. So “Bootleg” Ronnie James Dio comes to town and takes over a shady ass club and uses it to take souls. If Mr. Bootleg collects enough he can bring Satan into this world or just have an excuse to have even more naked people than this sequel. This sequel also begins the soft-core porn stuff literally as people seem to be having sex about every 8 to 10 minutes throughout. I’m not complaining but wanted to point out and give credit to the writers and director that were sure to have concerned girlfriend character Kelly care what her reverend thought of her boyfriend. She thought something wrong is going on with him so she turns to the man of the cloth she knows but hey never mind Kelly and the boyfriend have been living in sin the whole time! This is where we can see what these movies were being made for and it wasn’t exactly aimed at the horror fans as I give this 1 star.

Witchcraft VI: The Devil’s Mistress (DVD) – Oh in this 1994 sequel we meet a hunk named Jonathon that enjoys picking up young attractive women and dropping them off dead all over the city for detectives to find and be baffled by the motive. After a couple victims and the press calling it a “serial killer killing spree” a connection to a body in San Francisco is made in the now the detectives highly believe the possibility of the supernatural being involved. The coppers track down William because of his knowledge of the occult and ask for help. They bring in William in this hilarious scene where the detectives’ interview: fortune tellers, psychics, and other crazies that just mark the beginning of the downward spiral of William into witchcraft that he never wanted to begin with. Again this film goes out of its way to be filled with soft-core porn scenes (lots of big boobs, no dongs, but there is a tight dude butt!) I cannot confirm this but I thought I seen this sequel being sold in the famous “Adam & Eve” catalog at one point? You know kids that thing before the internet? Anyway lots of people banging not many people dying as I give it a ½ star… Next time throw a naked dong in to complete the trifecta?

The Mutilator (Blu-ray) – It was time to revisit this low budget slasher film from the early 80s as I didn’t get to see it then and only learned about it in the late 90s, early 2000s when it was being found on the bootleg market. Arrow Video recently corrected this problem putting together a 2-disc “must-have” edition for any horror fan. I myself remembered liking it the first time around but it was some crappy quality. Anyway, most of the gore takes place late in the movie but is well worth the watch if you are a gorehound. A father seeks revenge on his son Ed years later after his son accidentally shoots and kills his mother with a loaded rifle. Our tale goes forward when Ed gets a call from his father to go close down his beach condo during ‘Fall Break’ (which also was the original title). Ed and his friends decide to take advantage of this and go to party before they close it up for the winter but Ed’s father has other plans. Arrow Video not only restored the original unrated version of the film cleaned it up so much it was like watching this movie again for the first time. This of course means we get to see the famous giant fish hook with the girl parts for a wonderful death scene! But Arrow Video didn’t stop there as they loaded it up with a couple funny commentaries, a feature-length documentary (which was eye-opening on the background of this film), original music, and alternate opening titles that played with the movie before anyone knew about it. It does not happen often but I think I like this film more now than then because of this 2-disc Blu-ray from Arrow as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Running Time (Blu-ray) – Leave it to Josh Becker to come up with a cool idea for a film starring Bruce Campbell that doesn’t get seen and appreciated by many fans as it deserves. It’s a black and white project from 1996/1997 where it was shot and edited into one continuous shot by Becker that is a crime drama with a small cast. Bruce Campbell is Carl who is literally just released from prison and after getting his freak on with a girl he had crush on in high school is ready for a heist… that involves the prison he was released from! Once Carl’s best friend and Carl begin their journey into the heist what can go wrong, goes wrong quickly: flat tire, wrong safe, unknown strung-out getaway driver, people dying of heart attacks, a friend’s watch stolen, and Carl getting shot during this mess of chaos. Carl forever optimistic, money or no money must pick between his best friend or start all over with a girl he had a crush on. A super well-balanced, entertaining flick that should satisfy any bitter film junkie out there that doesn’t believe anything good is being released for the public to view. If anything this project further cements that Josh Becker can make something out of nothing no matter what genre it is. The Blu-ray is packed by Synapse Films with fun tidbits such as a fun commentary from Josh Becker and Bruce Campbell, film footage of a Q&A at a film festival the film was a part of, plus a great interview with Mr. Campbell giving the backstory on this project and comparing it to much bigger films. I have a feeling Synapse Films has a quick seller on their hands as I give this Blu-ray 3 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapse-films.com .

Infra-man (DVD) – This 1975 project is also known as ‘The Super Infra-man’ for no other reason that I can think of but we do have a weird alien princess and a bionic superhero if you were not aware of this title. Alien princess is pissed off, causes a crap load of disasters, and threatens to enslave all the humans. To fight the alien princess a professor has invented a formula that can turn a man into a bionic superhero that is indestructible and rid the earth of this life-threatening menace. This Hong Kong film clearly has to be the beginning of ‘Power Rangers’ and people cosplaying because there is just a bunch of weird monsters running around the movie fake fighting. Good, bad, whatever you think I give it 2 stars as this just didn’t flip my switch.

Walking the Edge (DVD) – A title under the Empire Pictures umbrella that you would never expect from them that stars Robert Forester, Joe Spinell, and Nancy Kwan. A gritty revenge flick that starts off with a quick bang as Spinell and his cronies visit Kwan’s home looking for her husband. He shows up and things go bad quick as Spinell shoots the kid and father as Kwan runs off. Now with Kwan on the loose Spinell has some loose ends to tie up. Meanwhile Forester plays a cabbie that runs numbers for the mob and sometimes has a nice streak that doesn’t serve him well in the business he is in. Kwan and Forester cross paths after Kwan collects herself and uses the cab to take her places and gun down the people involved killing her family. A gritty thriller I never heard of until recently that was an excellent watch as I give it 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

 

Black Water (DVD) – We have a killer action flick on a super-secret sub starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and Patrick Kilpatrick. JCVD is Wheeler who gets caught up in a double cross over a thumb-drive that has secrets that can be sold worldwide. Patrick Kilpatrick is the man who has brought him in and transporting him on a C.I.A. black ops sub that doesn’t exist. Wheeler’s neighboring cellmate just happens to be a German named Marco played by Dolph who cannot be killed because he knows too much and may be to high profile? When things get double-crossed again and no one to trust as people are being killed on the sub Wheeler turns to Marco for help. The movie plays out like “Under Siege” on a sub which isn’t a bad thing. The film is a lot of fun especially because of the Marco character but just feel more could have been done with this action flick. It’s good but not great and potential to be great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Moon (VHS) – An Australian slasher film from 1990 about an all-girls Catholic high school and its students being stalked and killed by an unknown killer. When a girl and her boyfriend disappear no one blinks an eye except for her best friend who feels something could be going on? But honestly she isn’t too worried as she goes to a dance and meets a dreamy dude who snuck into their dance. Soon more girls disappear and the police begin snooping around a creepy Science teacher who he and his wife have a secret? This flick is your scraping the barrel kind of slasher film that doesn’t have much substance. Remember its 1990 so I am sure this was made on mostly on the cheap. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Raiders of Atlantis (DVD) – Hey remember that “Cannibal Holocaust” Deodato dude? Well he made a bunch of other movies for those who may not know. And this gem is a wonderful must-see mess! Released in 1983 under the title “Atlantis Interceptors” in some countries takes “The Road Warrior” rip-off to a whole other off the wall level. Off the coast of Florida some scientists have found an artifact at the bottom of the ocean that proves the existence of Atlantis. They are going to try and move a sunken Russian sub to investigate more. When moved, the sea floor opens, a tidal wave destroys the scientific ocean platform, and a biker gang led by ‘fish bowl man’ begins murdering people on the mainland. The “Atlantis Interceptors” are back to take the mainland from these dumb humans! Never mind asking why they have customized motorcycles with swords on them and cars with guns on them? Just except this mess of a plot hole and thank me later for enjoying a great post-apocalyptic movie about two dudes trying to save the world by flying into Atlantis and fucking shit up! I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD) – So twenty some years later they decided to make a sequel with Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is a F.B.I. agent who goes undercover to question six year olds about a flash drive their old teacher may have hidden? The drive has all the identities of everyone in witness protection. Of course hijinks ensue but not nearly as funny as the original from 1990 starring Arnold. But it had Dolph so I know I am in it for at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Welcome to Willits (DVD) – This odd horror flick was a very nice little surprise from 2016. A girl (Anastasia Baranova from “Z Nation”) home from college in her little Northern California town has an uncle and aunt that have a huge weed crop they protect. Her uncle believes aliens are trying to steal his crop and do weird shit to him. This all started when he substituted something in his batch of meth not too long ago and his visions of aliens and a Dolph Lundgren cop show ‘Fists of Justice’ continue to get worse. What doesn’t help is some campers are staying nearby and stumble upon the crop and war is declared as the uncle believes he is killing aliens. This flick is a funny and unexpected gore fest! To give an extra twist is Rory Culkin who shows up as the weird hitchhiker picked up by the campers to give it that extra creep but fun horror factor. Movie fans this is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (DVD) – Since I have seen one and three it was only fair I eventually checked out the Uwe Boll sequel starring Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is Granger in present day. Granger gets pulled into a time warp which takes him to a distant time where he is called “The Chosen One”. He is deceived into thinking he must go up a mountain and kill the ‘Holy Mother’ who leads the ‘Dark Ones’. But he finds out the truth from the Holy Mother that he is placed into the future as an orphan to potentially return and save them all from the evil king who has deceived all who follow him. Granger’s future world depends on him stopping the king’s evil plan of a plague. Apparently they ran out of Jason Statham money and Uwe Boll had a leftover script from his “House of the Dead” projects and you have this… I give the fantasy flick 1 star.

 

4 Got 10 (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare are all wrapped up together in this tale of a man who forgets who he is and has a van full of drugs and money. As the man tries to remember what happened, a crooked cop kills the wrong partner and a DEA agent and a drug lord have questions. Your typical direct-to-HULU/NETFLIX jams for weirdoes like me who believe those three names are always gold for action flicks. Or at least worth one watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Children of the Corn: Runaway (DVD) – So John Gulager needed a paycheck so “hey we need someone to direct the ninth entry into this useless series only Tim Gross watches?” A woman named Ruth is trying to escape her past with a cult that killed all their parents over a decade ago. She left when pregnant so her son would have a chance in the normal world. Of course evil has followed her and wants her son. The film isn’t terrible but if you are having trouble sleeping this might help you as I give it 1 star.

 

Hellraiser: Judgment (DVD) – Of course this tenth entry sucked a huge double bag of dicks! Think remake of the fifth entry “Inferno”? If you remotely know what I am talking about please turn away and don’t watch because it will make you feel stupid and angry. For the love of DOUG BRADLEY, $350,000 budget! Thank you Dimension Films for releasing another hot pile donkey shit into the world and just insulting horror movie fans, Clive Barker, and humans in general. Worst movie of 2018! Wait question what is worse? Jeepers Creepers 3 or this entry into the so-called Hellraiser series? Hold on I think I need to go drown myself in the tub while I slit my wrists at the same time. Crap film gets crap move on folks.

Surviving Evil (DVD) – So Billy Zane plays an adventure dude who does a survival show for a cable channel. Zane and his crew head to a supposedly haunted island in the Philippines to shoot their latest episode of the TV show. One of the crew knows of the legends on the island but is choosing to ignore them as he has other motives of why he is there. This crew member knows of Japanese gold that is hidden on the island and is willing to risk his friends and his own life for the payoff. But the legend becomes real when shape-shifting tribe of demons show up and sniff out one of the crew is pregnant. Apparently pregnant women to these cool demons are Yuengling to me? The movie has some great build up, Billy Zane being Billy Zane, lots of gore, and really interesting demon things! This pleasant horror film feels like a really awesome SyFy Channel film that was too awesome to be on the “Sharknado” network. This film gets 3 really kick ass demon stars.

 

Kickboxer: Retaliation (DVD) – In case you haven’t had your fill of these movies JCVD’s character Durand is blinded by a fight promoter and must help Kurt Sloane train again. But this isn’t any ordinary fight as the fight promoter is Christopher Lambert and he is a ruthless rich bastard that wants Sloan to fight a chemically enhanced fighter. So Lambert kidnaps Sloan’s wife and gets Sloan arrested and thrown into a Bangkok prison. There Sloan trains with Mike Tyson and JCVD now that he has no choice to defend his title. If you are an action film fan this will be your bonerjam or your Viagra until they give us another Jason Statham action flick? Really enjoying JCVD doing another one of these as I give it 3 stars and yes Mike Tyson still looks scary even when he is acting.

 

Dune Warriors (DVD) – A post-apocalyptic B-movie mess from 1990, the Corman group producing, and stars David Carradine. A small village is being taken over by some warlords for their water. A woman in the village has had enough and goes out to hire five warriors to help defend the village. If you like watching dumb ass shit like me you’ll enjoy it. Let’s just say it isn’t “Deathsport” or “Battletruck”. I give it barely one Carradine as he was barely there for the paycheck.

 

Lunatics: A Love Story (DVD) – This oddity is truly a love story that stars Ted Raimi as Hank, who is a writer and has not left his apartment in six months. A huge part of it is he keeps having delusions of spiders and a doctor (Bruce Campbell) trying to cut him or give him a shot. His life changes when he believes he is calling a dating line and it happens to be a pay phone. The phone is picked up by Deborah Foreman’s character Nancy, who believes she is a jinx. She just got done getting thrown out of her hotel room, dumped by her boyfriend, and shot a gang member in the foot. On a whim Nancy accepts Hank’s invite to his apartment. Nancy tries to look past all the foil and Hank’s weirdness and they connect for their love of poetry. But Nancy believing she is a jinx runs away only to force Hank to overcome his fear of leaving the apartment to go get the girl. Josh Becker put together a hilarious tale with a great cast that I believe the studios were unsure of how to advertise. When someone brings up you should watch a love story with them go with this flick as I give it 3 ½ stars and you won’t be disappointed or bored.

 

Nightflyers (VHS) – I keep getting this confused with the Stephen Machet flick with killer bats. But this is the 1987 space flick starring Catherine Mary Stewart who is a part of a crew that gets on a ship that might be alive? They are off on a mission and become more curious as they never meet the captain and the Class 10 telepath on board keeps warning them bad shit is going to happen to them. The ship computer controls everything including her son Royd who must have seen “The Last Starfighter” and “Night of the Comet” and realizes how hot Ms. Stewart is and begins to converse with her. Some boring space shit happens, then the ship tries to kill them all, and we get a scene where the telepath gets his face cut in half by a laser “Intruder-style”. Outside of the really cool death by laser scene; the movie seems to suffer several things including many rewrites most likely. But hey it is being remade into a TV show so there is that as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Argoman: The Fantastic Superman (YouTube) – Oh the shit I couldn’t make up? Sir Reginald Hoover is Argoman. An Italian Batman clone who believes saving the world and keeping peace. But also he loses his powers for six hours if he bangs hot women of 1967. Argoman’s nemesis Jenabell is busy stealing a crown and forcing France to give her all their money. When that isn’t going on Sir Reginald is busy boning Jenabell and will capture her when the time is right. The rest of the movie is Argoman escaping custody and just seeing what else he can do for fun with his amazing powers. The movie doesn’t a whole lick of sense but I was entertained and laughed several times and for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

See yinz at GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details!