Gross Movie Reviews #535
Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (DVD) – So in this 1995 entry it takes a whole two minutes for a vamp at a club to pick up a beautiful girl, bang her on the bar, then bite her to turn her. You know real life soft-core stuff that happens all the time. Of course it is not long before Will Spanner the lawyer is waist deep in the supernatural trying to help two cops solve this mysterious case of club murder. Just in case you need to know the vampires can survive sunlight for no reason at all while Will proves he is a weak ass warlock that has ever graced the screen. The sex scenes are the filler for this vamp filled adventure that I must point to those who believe ‘Troll 2’ is the worst film ever have never seen this piece of garbage. This entry is “Christmas Season Massacre’ bad folks with acting that might be the worst of the series yet? You’re not missing much here kids as I would just go on to movie number eight as I give this porn, oh I mean film 0 stars.
Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost (DVD) – Speaking of this entry it begins in 1692 where a servant of Satan is stabbed in the heart, burned at the stake, buried into a wall and marked to warn any who would try to disturb it. I had to laugh at this period scene as no one looked like they belonged in 1692… Anyway fast forward to present day 1996 a quirky couple buys a big old house in Salem where the servant of Satan was buried in the basement. What was real crazy was it took almost ten full minutes into the flick for our first graphic sex scene. This opener sex scene is for fans of food and fake sex but so much better than the last entry. Moving on Professor Dunaway who bought the house with his girlfriend teaches a class that touches on witchcraft which then in turn sets up the scene with his plumber neighbor. The dumb neighbor finds the crypt behind the wall in the basement thinking there is a leak and breaks it open. This unleashes the warlock that shakes the house to its core causing a witch hunter to immediately show up to cleanse the home or at least buy it from the couple. But the evil warlock’s ghost is not going to go quietly unless the couple is able fix the crypt trapping him again forever. This entry was much more tolerable and seem to keep it moving story wise as I have to give it 1 ½ stars.
Raw Force (DVD) – If someone explained this film to people who never heard of it you would call bullshit! Three guys from an American karate club are heading to a place called “Warrior’s Island”. Along their journey some sneaky dudes and bootleg Hitler don’t want the three to make it. Not because the island is full of cannibal monks who are trying to raise dead warriors of the past to fight karate club guys. But Bootleg Hitler is trying to move them along to a different island as Hitler and his cronies are trading women for jade and making a bundle on the mainland. Folks, some weird shit go down in this flick and it’s wonderful. So grab a six pack and some friends and enjoy as I give this hilarious mess 3 stars.
Cemetery of Terror (DVD) – If you claim you have seen all the zombie films ever made you haven’t laid eyes on this 1985 entry into the genre. It is Halloween and a group of friends head to an abandoned home for a party. When the girls think the party is a flop and want to be taken home the character Jorge finds a book that talks about the devil and raising the dead. Hold on kids as first the group of friends needs to visit the morgue to steal a body for their fake ritual they are going to have. If that isn’t enough the body the group of friends steals happens to be a notorious serial killer who does believe in the devil. They drop it in the graveyard, read some nonsense from the book, it begins to storm, presto changeo the dead rise! As the undead killer slashes his way through the friends, a Mexican version of ‘The Goonies’ breaks out with some trick-or-treaters as a side story. I didn’t love it but was surprised how entertained by it I was as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.
Fleshburn (DVD) – In 1975 Calvin a Vietnam vet was placed in an insane asylum because he was deemed, “Not to know right from wrong any longer.” Some time passes and Calvin breaks out of his hell to track down the four doctors who put him there. Once captured he takes the four out to the desert to be in their own hell as the desert will decide their fate. Most the film is the four doctors struggling to cope with finding shelter, water, etc., in the desert knowing Calvin is watching. Mostly it was a terrible decision to waste the talent of Sonny Landum as Calvin as he doesn’t have much screen time even though he is the main character. Plus, the ending of this film just sucks out loud leaving you question what you may have done if this happened to you? For that I could only give this film 1 star as it left a bad taste in my mouth because I was expecting much more.
The New Mexico Weed Wacker Massacre (DVD) – There is now a three-way tie for “worst movie ever” between this film, ‘The Christmas Season Massacre’, and ‘Witchcraft VII’! But and there is a big BUT, I wanna remake this film… Now that you question reading any of my reviews ever this 2008 47 ½ minute film is centered on an angry old war vet named Frank. His wallet has been stolen, can’t get disability, and Frank wants revenge on the world. Next thing you know a dude in a 80s Mylec goalie mask with a weed wacker goes on a killing spree in this terrible creation that I couldn’t stop watching. The film is so terrible but literally the filmmaker went out of their way to make this terrible as the movie was supposed to be a horror spoof that doesn’t reveal this more than halfway through. The editing is piss poor, there is a random scene playing on top of another scene, the sound is all over the place, dead characters move (not on purpose), characters are fed lines during scenes, and it’s an abomination. Come on kids you make the directors of ‘Jagoff Massacre’ seem like Oscar winning filmmakers. Now saying that, I wanna remake this garbage called a film as I give 0 stars and believe it can be made better.
Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh (DVD) – This mid-90s entry begins with a ‘Witchcraft’ clip show and we get independent vet Stephanie Beaton playing Detective Lutz and for good reason. Our lawyer Will Spanner is dead and wanders the Earth searching for the reason why no one can see him until he runs into a smoking hot escort (Sheila) who recently had a near death experience. This experience allows her to hear Will Spanner and try to help him as he tries to help her. But the real question is why does this escort keep putting money in her thong? Isn’t that counterproductive or impractical? Sheila now goes out of her way to help Will as she believes in him being a gentleman. We get less sex scenes for this 1997 entry but they are much more graphic and seem more scripted or geared to audiences of the late 90s that refused to watch full porn? I have to give this entry 1 ½ stars just for Landon Hall’s performance as the escort.
Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (DVD) – This 1998 sequel takes Stephanie Beaton aka Detective Lutz to the UK where she is there to help the Brits with their bisexual vamp problem. You know the genre that haunted the shelves of video stores for about a three year period. Also I thought ‘Witchcraft IX’ could not be topped in the sex scene department well part ten proved me wrong as they decided to have two graphic sex scenes going at the same time. They go back and forth for a few minutes! And just to top it off we get Stephanie Beaton in an erotic bubble bath. Hey weirdos you there was some awesome porn in the 90s right? But I am getting off subject as Lutz helps UK authorities to crack down on these vamps so they can no longer exist. If there is one thing I take away from this film is I do wander if the director Michael Paul Girard truly made the first schlocky porn? For this and Stephanie Beaton I give it 1 ½ stars.
Altitude (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren and a few others hijack a plane to capture an ex-partner Terry who has just stolen from them. But unbeknownst to the feisty hijackers Denise Richards is a FBI agent who is going to stop the hijacking! Wait… WTF? Okay folks I gave the film a chance especially since Lundgren’s character stays in the cockpit the whole film but there was a fight between Denise Richards’s character and Chuck Liddell. Yep, that is not happening this movie should have ended there as Dolph collected a paycheck and I wanna know what the hell Denise Richards do to her face… Bad move, as I give this 1 star.
Grizzly II: Revenge (DVD) – It’s the 80s people of course there is going to be an unregulated concert in a national park and a crazed bear is causing chaos. The unknown unfinished film that has wandered the bootleg bins for quite a while has been pseudo-finished by a company that most likely figured out how to get around the rights issues. Someone died or they just chose to edit out all the Michael Jackson stuff. So finally out of nowhere we get this supposedly finished sequel to the 1976 classic. For those who don’t know this film has a gathering of stars before they were stars in this production that took place in Hungry. After a ton of issues financially and behind the scenes the project was just considered lost. For a few years now the bootleg has shown up at every major horror convention for horror fans like me to be surprised by the stories and the film. The original work print, unfinished version was terrible. But hey we got to have it just because. Anyway a company come in edited it, did some color correction, and threw in some stock footage of a forest and presto changeo you have a finished film sort of. It is still a story about Grizzly’s cub is shot by poachers and Mama is pissed. So the grizzly just randomly hunts down campers and eventually ends up at this most random concert in a park ever. Meanwhile park rangers are told by concert promoters to get rid of the problem quietly. This newer edited footage is a more coherent version of the film but I feel the asking price for this DVD or Blu-ray is still too much as it is a bare bones disc. Plus as much I wanted this out there legit I feel fans got a little cheated or misled as there was info out there they were supposedly adding or using found unused footage of the film in this newer version? Who knows for sure as my podcast partner Kyle would say, “Buyer beware…” as I give it 2 stars for being completely finished maybe but the luster of it being something few know about is gone and will debated over beers in the future.
Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (DVD) – This new entry of the millennium brings back genre vet Stephanie Beaton as Detective Lutz and the Will Spanner character and not even 30 seconds in kids people are bumping uglies! Once we get that ugliness out of the way we have three way too sexy drama students who get topless in a graveyard for inspiration to breathe life into their performances on stage. Unknowing the threesome conjures something evil but not more of a douchebag than their drama teacher. It may have happen because they wanted to be in touch with their inner witches (I am trying hard here to make sense of this). Some weird things happen between the three women as they are slowly possessed by this evil to eventually two of them have a threesome with the drama teacher. You would think this would be the highlight of the ‘Witchcraft’ sexcapades but this may have been the shortest and unsatisfying moment of the series? But they more than make up for it killing the drama teacher with stabbing to the eyes and giving us a good bit of blood and guts! After this little ritual it becomes clear they are possessed to bring forth Abaddon. Most of the film is laughable but they do squeeze in some classic corny porn music and for that I give it 1 star.
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