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Gross Movie Reviews #714

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Gross Movie Reviews #714

Venus Die Trap (Tubi) – This independent project attempts to be an intentional B-movie old school style as it mixes old stock film footage with new stuff shot to fill in certain scenes. The story is pretty basic as it centers on a small town in North Carolina where a meteor has fallen to earth in the nearby woods. The residents quickly see weird things happening and blame the meteor out in the woods as venus fly traps have mutated then attack people! The fate of the community rests in the hands of an innocent botanist named Sally. The film has its moments, it doesn’t overstay its welcome on screen, it is a fun homage to movie stuff that if old enough your parents witness these projects at the drive-in as I give is a solid 2 out of 4 stars.

Blood and Rust (Tubi) – In small town Ohio a young man named Lamont believes he is doing the right thing by running his father’s diner and taking care of the transit homeless that wander through from time to time. But Lamont when alone believes he is just a hamster on a hamster wheel running to nowhere especially after he loses his father to a strange animal attack. Enter our other main character Belko the vampire hunter as Lamont learns the hard way vampires are in town to feed and take over. Lamont is all about helping to save this town as long as it helps the homeless and the sheriff doesn’t get involved as the sheriff gives Lamont a hard time. Little that Lamont knows this life changing event can finally help him get off that so-called hamster wheel of life? The concept and how I explain it makes the film sound a lot better than it is… I mean there is a great idea in there I just felt it wasn’t executed well as I give this project 1 ½ out of 2 stars.

Sonny Boy (Blu-ray) – What if I told you there is this bizarre project released in 1989 that stars Paul Smith, David Carradine, and Brad Dourif you would most likely say “I’m in!” To top it off let me just point out David Carradine does the main song and plays a woman in the film. Plus, Paul Smith owns a cannon that he uses to shit people with if they cross him? Those who have seen this understand and respect the bizarre beauty of this film. This oddity of a story begins in 1970 at a remote hotel where Weasel (Brad Dourif) steals a car unknowingly with a baby in back as he brings it to Slue and Pearl as they are a couple criminals who run a desert town with their wheeling and dealing ways. The couple, mostly Slue, raise the child in their bizarre wicked way to help them take down people who don’t agree with their antics. Years go by until the baby is a full grown adult and the small town has had enough of these criminals. This was a film that you would only hear stories of existing for years as I was lucky enough to get my hands on a bootleg tape many moons ago but now has a great cleaned up physical media copy that needs to be seen in order to understand anybody that has described this wild project! If you are a big movie buff and have not witnessed this you need to fix it right now as I give this project 3 ½ stars.

Invisible Shark (DVD-R) – Independent filmmaker Douglas Waltz is at it again with this wild idea that would make you think old school SyFy channel would have made three of these? No they didn’t as Mr. Waltz makes his David “the rock” Nelson picture where a small town sheriff and deputy are forced to believe there is a shark in their waters when a mangled body washes up on the beach. No one sees the attacks but they see the aftermath as this invisible creature attacks residents of Poloniaville! It takes some time but the police figure out because of the killer animal’s invisibility it doesn’t play by the rules of a regular shark which can work to their advantage of saving the residents. This project is truly wild and insane but this rough cut proves Mr. Waltz believes in giving viewers something wildly strange that they might be missing in their movie watching as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Bone Sickness (Blu-ray) – This somewhat forgotten Indy gem from Brian Paulin in the early 2000s may finally get the credit and kudos it deserves as the movie has found new life in this new special edition. So Alex is a young guy who is terminally ill with a wife Kristen who will do anything to extend Alex’s life or cure him of his terrible disease. Alex’s best friend Thomas comes up with an idea of feeding Alex bone marrow from the recently departed believing this could help him as Kristen is okay with this too. Alex unknowingly is being fed this and begins to go through some sick and gruesome changes that do cause him hunger for blood, nevermind this causing the dead to rise. As Kristen and Thomas believe they were doing what’s best for Alex’s hunger and health, the film slowly turns into this dream-like zombie gorefest that goes way beyond the usual independent zombie stuff we are used to. Paulin’s project is bizarre, gritty, and an absolutely exciting gooey splatterfest that needs to be cherished. Feels like a crazy combo of Meat Market meets Fulci! Rewatching this movie made me appreciate how freakin good it is and many of the filmmakers out there need to watch and rewatch ‘Bone Sickness’ to understand you can do what you do with passion and little money… It can be done! This special edition that is so worth owning has a new commentary with Brian Paulin and Rich George, another commentary from Cult Movie Obsessives, a new location tour segment, and a featurette “The Morbid History of Bone Sickness” along with some of the older extras from the previous DVD from in the early 2000s. 4 out of 4 stars from beginning to end!

Amityville Bloodlines (Blu-ray) – Oh I have tracked more down as we go with entry #83 from the young filmmaker Blaize Tudor as he brings this sequel to his ‘Amityville Bloodbath’. The 34 minute film brings in a few independent vets we all know and love to tell the story of Dr. Trevor and his experiment “Skull Face” who has been let loose in Amityville killing all big and small in the town. Because of the curse or legacy of Amityville this evil experiment cannot be killed. Also after listening to some of the commentary from Blaize Tudor it helped me understand ‘Amityville Bloodbath’ as I see this as more of a ‘Evil Dead/Evil Dead 2’ thing of its not a remake but not a true sequel also? Confusing, I know but I believe the young man Blaize has stumbled onto something that he left a lot that could be done with this idea unknowingly? I saw Skull Face as more of the curse of Amityville that could go full serial killer or supernatural killer as this got away from the Amityville house in general… Skull Face could be a ghostly entity that continues the curse of the town? Maybe to make a little more sense so yinz don’t feel like I am completely insane, think “In a Violent Nature” as I give this project 2 out of 4 stars. Also too would like to point out it was cool to hear Blaize in his commentary be somewhat critical of his past project connecting to this as some independent commentaries try to beat into you they made the perfect project. 

Critter Collection Volume One (DVD) – Matthew Mark Hunter digs deep to give audiences eight short films of terror that deal with a boy being bitten by a cricket, a man being haunted by a roach in his motel room, a story about a giant centipede or Dinopede, a man collecting bugs and regrets the aftermath, two segments that were made nine years apart about a rat terrorizing a man, puppet bunnies fearing for their lives as one wants to leave the forest. So if you are not a fan of killer animals or bugs this no budget fun may haunt you as I give the project 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Amityville Webcam (Blu-ray) – Welcome to entry #84 that has been floating around for a bit of time but getting to watch it on streaming or physical media form has only been made available recently. Premise of this entry into the series is about demons webcamming in their time off to play a role playing game where they are humans and deal with a possessed webcam. I give it credit for doing something different for sure but I believe it tells its story in 60 minutes and then just repeats for the next 40 minutes after. Again a solid different concept for the series but goes way too long. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a ‘Mt. Misery Rd.’ mess as I can only give this entry 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

Last + Last After All (DVD) – An animated 16 minute short film broken into two segments of a possible post-apocalyptic Pittsburgh. The first one is about a person who just recently woke up in this new wasteland only to find out they might be the last human alive. The second segment is an odd pair wandering the wasteland. I would love to say I enjoyed it but to me it felt incomplete? But also I am not a huge animation guy so I could be missing something as I give this 1 out of 4 stars.

Amityville Bed & Breakfast (Blu-ray) – Entry #85 literally goes in a direction I am surprised it took this long to get too? This entry into the series has two brothers buying the haunted property cheap because of unpaid taxes. Their challenge for their streaming house flipping show is to fix up the property to make it a bed and breakfast to help the community get rid of the so-called bad PR the house has had since the original murders. As the Beaver brothers progress into the project and weird things begin to happen immediately they learn through some documents that everything might not be supernatural? The Beaver brothers struggle to deal with the so-called fixer upper as the crew keeps disappearing and cash runs low but they get through it all to accomplish their task in this very entertaining entry into the series as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Amityville Easter (Blu-ray) – Oh entry #86 into the Amityville series goes in the weird but not totally unexpected direction as a group of influencers head to the Amityville estate at the edge of the Amityville community for an interview with a famous widow that could mean more subscribers and money for them. The property besides being owned by a widow was also the site of a famous murder by a deranged half bunny/half human killer. The influencers were only allowed to be present on the property if they would agree to the widow’s terms and all their equipment was turned over to the butler when they arrived but this group is desperate for content. As they spend the night there things immediately get weird for the influencers from seeing the widow looking very sexual (best way to describe it) and the female influencers made to do an easter egg hunt? All this just for an interview that is believed to be a big pay day unless the half bunny/half human can stop killing them all. This project has its moments and I give it kudos for just being odd from the start so if you need to see a rather weird entry into the series? Look no further as I believe this would be way better to watch with a group as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #563

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Gross Movie Reviews #563

The Amityville Terror (DVD) – So entry #16 literally stars no one as a family moves into the haunted Amityville home with a relative. It doesn’t take long before things get weird as the cool sister Shae is possessed by the evil presence in the house but nevermind that as it’s more important for Hailey her niece to fit in at school? As no one is paying attention it becomes clear Hailey must figure out what is going on with this old house before the evil landlord sacrifices them for the greater good of the community. The effects are bad, the story is lazy, and once again somehow the house is able to control stuff away from the home, but don’t let that get in the way of watching this terrible film as I give it a ½ star.

Spine of Night (Shudder) – A pretty cool animated film that fans of such flicks ‘Fire and Ice’, ‘Heavy Metal’, and ‘Wizards’ will really dig! This violent fantasy film features witches, book burnings, great voiceover work, and an ultimate evil that believes he is an untouchable god. A select few take on an adventure that is all guaranteed a one-way ticket to death to stop a god who tries to protect the bloom that gives him his powers, plus we get a witch who returns from the dead to wage war.  All that and a bad ass ending make me give this throwback 3 stars.

The Amityville Exorcism (DVD) – Well Polonia Brothers Entertainment return for entry #17  as they return to Amityville, New York, to try to bring you a scary tale of horror. This time around you will almost laugh your ass right off your body as the demonic force of Amityville has taken over construction materials. The old possessed haunted home is up to its old tricks again as it possesses the contractor and his materials causing him to kill his family. Now that the materials have been used on another home it has infected that home and causing a family and a priest to deal with unspeakable evil. This very well could have been in the running for worst entry of the series if I wasn’t still laughing from the set-up of possessed construction materials as I give it 1 ½ stars for entertaining me for the wrong reasons.

Amityville: Vanishing Point (DVD) – 2016s independent production aka entry #18 is far and beyond the worst entry in the series but we will get to that in a minute. A woman dies in a boardinghouse (yes, a piece of cardboard hanging from someone’s porch written in sharpie “Boardinghouse”) which honest question do those still exist or was this some weird take on that S.O.V. flick from the early 80s of the same name? Anyhow it’s hard to follow but a weirdo attempt at a detective looks into the matter and its occupants as it is believed the boardinghouse itself maybe trying to murder people. I believe this is the first entry in the series that completely distances itself from the original Amityville movie or events? But there is a mention of this unnamed creepy ass town without saying “Amityville”, so I will let you make that determination if you can ever track down a copy of this film. Tracking it down wasn’t easy but can be done?  This cobbled mess features a cameo from Lloyd Kaufmann, a horrible strip tease, a possessed penis, a possible possessed Keith Hernandez baseball card, and rape for no reason. Now saying all that the sad part is it’s hard to give this entry a fair watch because the sound and editing are so bad and so off the movie/DVD was pulled from everything (streaming/DVD copies)! To top it off the so-called filmmakers never fixed it. So no matter what I watch from here on out the Amityville series cannot be any worse than this poor excuse that in reality calling it a film would be an actual compliment as it gets ZERO stars.   

Amityville Toybox (DVD) – Dustin Ferguson takes a shot of interjecting some life into the series with entry #19 or also known as ‘The Amityville Legacy’ almost 40 years after the original. During a 50th birthday party a gentleman is given an old school musical chimp toy as a present that just so happens to be cursed. It is cursed, because it was there when the original murders occurred. Enjoying or adoring his childhood nostalgia in the toy Mark quickly becomes possessed which causes him to turn on the family. If the chimp wasn’t enough the Amityville fly makes an appearance in sound mostly to annoy possible victims. I’ll give Dustin credit for trying something a little different but just like part four of this series it comes off as a lost episode of the ‘Friday the 13th’ TV series where the monkey needs returned to “Curious Goods” as I give the film 2 stars.

Amityville Clownhouse (DVD) – Entry #20 aka ‘Amityville: Evil Never Dies’ continues the storyline of “Toybox” with the cursed toy chimp going to a cute couple who picks it up at a so-called junk store. But we are introduced to a clown painting and a killer clown for a few scenes that seem to have no relevance to the overall story as the focus is still on the cursed musical chimp infecting another family. Once the demonic force has done its damage the junk store owner comes in for the cleanup and resale of the item. Not a terrible entry into the series but feels like it should have been just jammed in the mix with the last film to make one story but that is just my opinion as I give it 2 stars.

Amityville Prison (DVD) – Entry #21 from 2017 is completely and truly Amityville free as its other title is ‘Against the Night’ as the Amityville tag was placed on the feature for unknown reasons (or at least when I was looking it could not find a real reason). Anyway, a young filmmaker and friends get the bright idea to go do some ghost hunting at the local abandoned prison. This folks is never a good idea but moving on the filmmaker believes it would be a wonderful idea to get shots of his friends scared until real paranormal shit seems to be happening and cannot be explained. Quickly the group dwindles being killed off one by one by a figure in a Harry Warden-style respirator mask. A couple of small twists makes this a pleasant surprise for the series even though it is by title only and explains to the young kids why it isn’t ever a good idea of running around a dark, abandoned prison as I give this film 3 stars.

Amityville: Mt. Misery Road (DVD) – Entry #22 goes full steam ahead with the story of Native Americans selling cursed land in New York to dumb white people back in the 1650s or something to that effect. Since then this stretch of land has had legendary strange occurrences and considered to be one of the most haunted roads in America. A Florida couple (or what I like to call douchebag and his fake stripper wife aka employee) are intrigue by the haunted area and choose to travel to upstate New York to investigate. Besides complaining they are cold and getting an old dude to tell boring stories they use the last 35 minutes of the film to do a poor reenactment of ‘The Blair Witch Project’. Okay, the ‘Vanishing Point’ entry has a sort of an out with never fixing the sound or editing but this entry is just downright shameful and gives a bad name to actual independent filmmakers who actually bust their ass to put together an actual production. Honestly there are several filmmakers out there that make some of the best horror films in recent years and they cannot find distribution but this piece of shit or so-called movie starring douchebag gets put out there for the masses… There is your answer in what is wrong with movie companies and their standards. Next time do everyone on this earth a favor and flush this dumb shit down the toilet. As I give this NOTHING I hope the company that put this entry out there for a moron like me to find goes bankrupt! Be warned this might be the first film you ever watch that might make you visibly angry to others that it exists?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Netflix) – Are all the horror movie fans done losing their F’N minds? Stop it, just like the Friday the 13th films isn’t this eight or nine? What in the Rutger Hauer are you expecting? Also this newest entry bit hard on the new ‘Halloween’. Now, with that out of the way kids this was a violent fun horror movie with some crazy old dude that lives in an abandoned town with a woman who looks after him. Once she dies from the shock of some young people taking her home and has you wanting them to die horribly immediately when their characters are introduced we get this weirdo wearing a dead woman’s face acting like Leatherface… Meanwhile, Sally has been holding a grudge for 50 years and has returned to get her revenge for her friends from the original film. Honestly horror fans put your shit aside and go watch this film with an open mind and not calling it ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’. Sounds like an argument I made for the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake some years back but whatever point is I just laugh yinz decided three remakes and how many sequels later you are finally outraged? Guess what if you hated 2013s entry then you are definitely not allowed to like this one but that is a whole other conversation. Anyway horror fans calm your asses down and go watch this violent lunatic chainsaw through a bus full of idoits as the film gets done quick with an 83 minute running time as I give it 3 stars.

The Amityville Murders (DVD) – So apparently for the 23rd entry in case you never heard of the DeFeo murders which started this whole mess or the countless documentaries about the original film and book and what influenced them you get a prequel. For the most part it goes through everything we have already heard or learned about over the years just with a couple big names in Diane Franklin and Burt Young. The film clearly has a budget and not terrible, it is just everything most people over the age of 30 know about. So if you are a newer horror fan? Or maybe you are a teenage horror fan that has been curious about the Amityville legacy? This might be a good starting point for you? Not what I was expecting 23 entries in as I give it 2 stars.

Amityville Cop (DVD) – So entry #25 comes in at a brisk 68 minutes concerning a couple of detectives, a captain with something to hide 20 years ago, a cop being sacrificed, and it happens to take place on New Year’s Eve. Imagine ‘Maniac Cop’ got shoehorned into a cop comedy and was watchable? Hard to imagine but it actually was watchable as I give it 1 ½ stars.

The Amityville Harvest (DVD) – Took it long enough to do something stupid… again but entry #27 comes up with a vampire story. A documentary crew heads to an old funeral home for a project that concerns liquor during the civil war or something? They all get something more than they bargain for as the caretaker Mr. Vincent Miller explains the real story about the Lincoln assassination and then begins to slowly feed on the crew. Try to ignore the weird and creepy close ups of Mr. Miller during their documentary project part of the film it will just annoy you as I give the film 1 star.

Bigfoot’s Bride (DVD) – First time independent director Erick Wofford really tries to do something different with the Bigfoot legend but fails miserably. Basic premise of this film is Bigfoot aka ‘Wrong Turn’ extra aka a bad looking twin of Jason in Friday part seven aka or my favorite term for him “GENERIC BIGFOOT” who also is wearing overalls, hates messy dudes, and enjoys drinking a hot babe’s urine. Yes, kids that is the whole film! Yikes, I couldn’t stop laughing how terrible this was as I give it 0 stars.

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