Gross Movie Reviews #530
Russian Terminator (DVD/YouTube) – You may also find the film under a better title ‘The Russian Ninja’ which actually makes much more sense if you have the pleasure of watching it. A bootleg Kenny Rodgers or the dude that failed to get the role for “The Most Interesting Man” in beer commercials comes out of retirement because of blackmail. He is to help some rich dude get his daughter back off of some bad dudes because he is considered “The Human Equalizer” for the East and West. Now enters a ninja for no real reason in this Russian/English flick to save the daughter as bootleg Kenny Rodgers gets his ass kicked throughout the film. There is no doubt this action film is bad but it is hilarious bad and worth the watch when you and all your friends need to do a drunken watch of something random aka “should have played in the VH room in the heyday of conventions”. I give such fare 2 stars just for being so dull but so hilarious at the same time.
Holland Road Massacre: The Legend of Pigman (Blu-ray) – Another independent project from filmmaker Emir Skalonja. The story is about some weird dude in the woods that wears a pig mask, lives there, and oh yeah enjoys killing all those who trespass. For no reason at all the locals ignore the stories of these events on Holland Road and venture into the woods during winter only to die a horrible death. Meanwhile a detective from the city investigates the legend as his daughter is one of the victims. The film has the usual good premise, great mask for the killer, but terrible story/script. There was a movie for this horror character ‘Pigman’ but it wasn’t what I watched and I do not like this new trend in low budget horror where we try to tie up any loose or bad plot holes at the end of the film because it worked in a couple recent debatable big budget horror films. AKA last two minutes will be explained to you so you accept what you just watched? Nope… stop it now folks because it kills me to say bad things about independent horror movies and this had something just not the payoff you will be looking for as I give it a 1 star just for the Pigman.
No Blade of Grass (DVD) – Slacking in your post-apocalyptic movie watching or need something off the radar? Well here is a lesser known but very depressing and cool British film from 1970 that doesn’t fuck around. The film begins in a football stadium explaining we humans are killing off everything (50 years later we still fucking shit up!) along with visions of oil fields, mining, pollution, etc. This leads into John a central character of the film who is debating about fleeing London before they close it down. Radio and TV broadcasts in the background constantly tell us the viewer it is a grass disease that is killing off the human population and animals. So John, family, and a young scientist pack up to go to the countryside where his brother owns land and it will be easier to defend themselves there. Along the way John and the others must fight and claw their way to this safe place even it means having his own brother killed for survival. A brutal slow burn that is a treat for post-apocalyptic fans like myself as I give it 3 stars.
Devil Doll (DVD) – Always wondered where R. L. Stine of ‘Goosebumps’ may have gotten his idea for the dummy story then don’t look any further than this 1964 creepy flick? The Great Vorelli was obsessed with being famous and hypnotizes his assistant Hugo to transfer his soul to a dummy for his act. When Mark a reporter is asked to do a story on The Great Vorelli things start to unravel as it is found out Vorelli might not be so great after all as he uses and steals people’s souls? It is weird, offbeat, something to keep in mind when looking for something different to watch next time as I give it 2 stars.
Ebola Rex vs. Murder Hornets (DVD) – Of course you had me at the title but bottom line is this movie doesn’t live up to its title. The filmmaker missed the point of the title… ‘Ebola Rex vs. Murder Hornets’ it never happened dude. You made a 60 minute movie of filler! I love Brinke Stevens but she seems wasted in this my friend. Dustin I respect your overall work but this was a huge miss as I got to give this film 0 stars.
Cowgirls vs. Pterodactyls (DVD) – It is 1864 in small town Texas and the old west town just so happens to be under attack by a dinosaur or pterodactyl to be precise. An outlaw named Bunny Parker is hired by a woman Rebecca Crawford whose husband has been taken by the flying dinosaur but they are joined by others who want a piece of this dinosaur. Even though there is a stupid plot point about a prostitute carrying dinosaur eggs (which isn’t fully explained) the women saddle up and track down this dinosaur menace that has been left out of the history books. A super cheeseball and surprisingly entertaining monster film made with hardly no money gets an A for effort as I give this film 2 ½ stars. Give it a watch kids!
King Solomon’s Mines (DVD/YouTube) – A mid-80s bootleg Indiana Jones film that also stars John Rhys-Davies as a villain so it has to be worth watching at least once. Richard Chamberlin stars as Quartermain the adventurer who helps a young lady Jesse (Sharon Stone) search for her father as the Germans have kidnapped him to find some mysterious mines. Even Quartermain laughs at the idea of these mines existing and being filled with riches but goes along for the ride anyway. Of course hijinks and bad green screen effects happen as the legends are true about the mines and Quartermain follows clues from a small statue in hopes of beating the Germans to the treasures. The film is fun and stupid and something to throw on a Saturday afternoon full of boredom as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Spare Parts (On Demand) – A Canadian flick in which an all-girl band Ms. 45 has just hit the long road of touring bars and was almost killed by a looney trying to run them off the road. This causes their tour van to have a flat. Luckily a cop comes past and helps them get a tow to a junkyard outside of this small town. The girls suddenly find themselves in some trouble when they are locked into an office in hopes of their van being fixed and weird stuff being found in the junk cars in the junkyard. The four girls awaken to missing their arms so weapons could be attached to them for fighting in a Thunderdome-like atmosphere in front of the townsfolk who believe in some fake god that wants blood! They make it through the gridiron the first time through and now the all-girl band is being trained for some special combat that has been foreseen by this god? This flick starts off crazy, gory, and right to the point but seems to slow itself down with a sort of love story instead of staying weird, crazy, and to the point. The film has a wonderful spark but it flames out with a so-so finish but I still give it 3 stars.
The Perfume of the Lady in Black (DVD/YouTube) – Sylvia is a hard working person who is always trying to stay on top of her projects. But Sylvia begins having weird visions that are not quite explained as she is also unsure of why this is happening to her? Sylvia keeps getting more weirded out by things as the film moves along but that is only when she isn’t banging her man Roberto who isn’t totally sure of Sylvia other than he is getting laid! I would like to say Sylvia in some perverse way lost her mind from the beginning but eventually I finally found a giallo I just couldn’t follow. A weird one for the Giallo experts to converse about as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Space Clown (DVD) – A found footage film with a comedic aspect to it as Graham Skipper just bought a camera so he can film his girlfriend and him making porn. Being denied by the girlfriend he uses the camera to go outside that night and film the meteor shower that just happens to drop space debris on their guest house. Graham only finds a circus horn and thinks nothing more of it as his best friend comes over to play drunken Nintendo hockey. Then the fun begins as a space clown shows up to cause chaos in Graham’s life and use his new camera to document everything. This low budget alien clownfest is annoying yet funny as hell as I give it 3 stars.
Land of the Minotaur (DVD) – Peter Cushing is a high priest who is controlling a child to sacrifice two outsiders to set up this film about potential present day devil worshipping. Donald Pleasence is a normal priest who doesn’t diddle kids that is worried about the two young outsiders who disappeared and were sacrificed. Pleasence tries to warn more young outsiders who come to investigate an archeological find they made recently but knows it’s no use. When they disappear within days of arriving Mr. Pleasence calls in his detective friend from New York to help go into the countryside and discover what is going on near these ancient ruins that are considered evil or “The Devil’s work”. Once they figure out the old Baron (Cushing) isn’t someone that can be defeated by mere bullets they sneak back into the chambers to fight the devil’s work and minions with something much stronger? Great casting for the film with Cushing and Pleasence about devil worship that doesn’t get dull even for being a film made 45 years ago and yes that is a dong on that Minotaur statue shoots flames out of its nostrils. Three star devil worship that entertains the whole way through and meant to be experienced again.
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