Tag Archives: Christopher Lambert

Gross Movie Reviews #626

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Infinite Santa 8000 (Blu-ray) – One of my favorite Indy releases over the years is an animated feature from two brilliant minded people Michael Neel and Greg Ansin. Funny thing is it has been about ten years since I first reviewed this masterpiece of cinema coming to DVD. Now finally getting the special edition treatment through a great company Synapse Films more people will get to witness the glorious movie that I have talked about for years. This is a mind-blowing post-apocalyptic animation set thousands of years into the future where Santa still thrives or now just survives looking for people who still have the Christmas spirit. We begin with a narration to catch up the viewer “of how we got here” as Cyborg Santa is about to ‘Thunderdome’ with another in order to win sacks of meat as food is scarce in this world. Yes folks, our future are super violent, robots have taken over earth, and Santa must fight to survive but he still lives in the North Pole! What keeps the jolly bastard going these days is a robot girl named Martha who when not training loves to hang out with Santa in his workshop and hear stories of Christmas past. But after a mysterious visitor one evening Martha is kidnapped from Santa’s Ranch and we are off to the races with complete chaos as Santa and his robotic reindeer jump into action to chase down an evil rabbit! Martha’s and our holiday hero discover this is only the beginning as a thing from the past Dr. Shockleton and her mutant army are on course to not only to rid the world of the Santa menace but to reshape the world into her own. For movie nerds out there let me break this down: imagine elements of the film Wizards, Adult Swim programming, scenes from the original Terminator and Mad Max films, and a character that is a straight up an old school Bond villain, and a soundtrack that feels like lost audio tracks from early Slayer mashed together into this beautiful piece of animation that in the end is all about the Christmas spirit! And what is even better is this is the director’s cut with extended and new scenes added including a little look into who Dr. Shockleton is after credits?! To me what makes this even more special is the short interviews with the voices of the cast so you get to see and hear who these talented people are, the original 13 part web series of this project, audio commentary from the dynamic duo themselves Michael Neel and Greg Ansin, music videos, plus more than anything this feature being on Blu-ray I believe makes everything in this feature pop and look even better than it ever did when watching it ten years ago on YouTube and such. This brilliant piece of holiday cinema will make a great addition to horror fans’ collections but also yearly holiday movie watching for years to come as my opinion has never changed giving it 4 out of 4 stars and now officially can be found at www.synapsefilms.com .      

Cryptids (Dropbox) – Justin M. Seaman and Zane Hershberger at no time are not working on a project as they put together with some other filmmakers an anthology that uses the “Mothman Festival” as a back drop and the legendary movie host Joe Bob Briggs as Harlan Dean a radio host for a program about Cryptids. For this week’s show Harlan has asked callers to call in with stories that deal with cryptozoology! First story deals with a legend of “Melon Heads” or young people who were experimented on instead of being taken care of by their doctor and escaped the facility to live in the woods. Second story is about a park ranger and his partner facing off with a group of Sasquatches deep in the woods while looking for lost campers. (Which I quite enjoyed the ending) The third story is the hilarious entry of the bunch that I think holds the anthology together of a man who disappears in the woods after he finds a monstrous fish creature and has what seems like an acid trip? This story works well for where it is as it releases a little pressure of the tension that was built up by the first two stories. Fourth story is set on Halloween where a fisherman brings home a mysterious rock/large egg thing that he wants to use for his set up that night. Problem is the thing hatches and now little ghoulish things are running rampant through the house. The fifth is about two chupacabras chasing down individuals in a building for the fun of the Mexican cartel who watch it on closed circuit TV. The last story involves two young men who decide to have a monster hunt for a mysterious animal that may or may have not been eating all the neighborhood animals recently to set up a prank. The anthology comes in at a brisk 76 minutes with all entries being quite delightful and entertaining experiences into cryptozoology. The project is well casted, well shot, as has Justin and Zane showing off their talents once again in the world of low budget filmmaking as I give this anthology 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

The Last Christmas in the Universe (YouTube) – The fine folks from Spain that have brought you the over the top brilliant work of “Fist of Jesus” and “Brutal Relax” have returned with a post-apocalyptic holiday short film. It is December 25th next year?! Everything has gone to shit and a gang of brutal thugs are about to kill a man but Santa has arrived because even though everything is just about dead Santa has a job to do as long as there is still one good person left. Santa and his magical bag of presents turns the fight to the death into a fantastic holiday splatterfest that includes Santa playing ‘Twister’ (the version of the game here in the US) with the thugs’ body parts in order to save this one good person. Need some dark humor in your Season’s Greetings look no further than this absolutely fun gorefest that will just make you smile like the days of unwrapping all those cool presents as a kid as I give this wonderful holiday short film 4 out of 4 stars. Also these talented people are in need of your support so please check out www.patreon.com/RedParty to help.  

Mean Guns (Tubi) – This little known film has direct-to-video from 1997 written all over it as its about mobsters in a new prison staring Ice-T, Christopher Lambert, and Thom Mathews among a few other familiar faces. The real plot of it is getting all these members of the ‘syndicate’ who may have made a mistake or two recently and weed them out. Three out of a hundred are allowed to survive and collect a share of ten million dollars? But Ice-T has plans for all these evil bastards in the end as he plans to screw them all in this 110 minute “not totally sure if there was a real plot” action crime/action flick as I give it 2 ½ stars. P.S. think of this as Albert Pyun’s version of ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’ in a prison?

Adrenalin: Fear the Rush (Tubi) – A weird post-apocalyptic flick of sorts from 1996 starring Christopher Lambert where at the time Russia falling apart causes a bio-weapon germ to leak out and destroy most of Europe. Now some years have passed and this so-called germ has mutated and possibly causes the human race to become a super cannibalistic infected thing that infects people by touching them! This nasty thing has shown up in a ‘Control Zone’ and the local police chase it down in some tunnels only to become the hunted as the government knows what a disaster it could become. To make it even more fun we get Andrew Divoff playing one of the mysterious government types in this lower budgeted but effectively fun cat and mouse ‘infected’ film that I give 2 ½ stars too.

Blue Monkey (Blu-ray) – You know the story of John Vernon happens to run a hospital that so happens to be testing a laser thingy? Well of course some old dude gets pricked by a foreign plant at his woman’s greenhouse that basically gives him a heart attack and a weird bacterial infection. The infection eventually sends the hospital into lockdown which randomly has Joe Flaherty from SCTV and his pregnant movie wife at the hospital trying to give birth. It has nothing to do with the story but come on we all love Joe! Meanwhile Steve Railsback and a doctor are trying to track down the infection that has mutated into a creature with a Nintendo gun… That is before the government just runs and burns the place to the ground because they consider it a “Class 4 Quarantine”. The 1987 film was also known as ‘The Insect’ and that is most of what I wrote for a review several years ago for this movie. For as much as I am not a huge fan of this flick it does have a solid cast and believe this new transfer of the film to Blu-ray adds to the rewatching experience. The Blu-ray version is not as dark and colorful in spots that wasn’t highlighted throughout the film whether it was the creature and its lair in the basement of the hospital or just giving it even more late 70s TV movie look? Anyway I believe this helped me enjoy the film a little more and give it a little more respect a second time around as I give it another ½ star (2 stars overall now) for this B-movie madness.

Bad CGI Gator (Tubi) – Danny Draven for Full Moon tries to go the old SyFy Channel and Roger Corman route with fully knowing there is an independent movie out there called “Bad CGI Sharks” with making a simple quick film here. The movie takes place in southern Georgia (or out in the woods of Cleveland) where young college kids come to party and try to trend on their social media accounts by throwing their laptops into the pond! A gator lurking by gets electrocuted by the laptops and grows so next thing you know this mutated animal is doing (dated reference here) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shit all over the cottage. The movie only runs 58 minutes which is a good thing as the movie wasn’t bad but if it makes sense at all wasn’t that interesting as it seemed like one those projects you question “why was it made now?” Anyhow it’s out there and I still enjoy Full Moon but can only give this project 1 star.

Caddy Hack (DVD) – Killer gophers on a golf course in a no budget flick I am usually in for but a “Caddyshack” parody forty years later sounds like a project that should have never left the paper the script was printed on? Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed the killer gophers in this flick but there was a lot of filler in order to fill a running time. I am not saying don’t watch this film has there does look like these folks put a good amount of time and effort into it but next time go watch “Zombeavers” before you tackle a project like this? Or take a cue from the short film classic “Night of the Hell Hamsters”? Anyway for those of you that are weird like me and have to watch it… a shitty golf tournament at “The Old Glory Holes” golf course is in jeopardy when Hambone the groundskeeper accidentally mutates the gophers with his experimental fertilizer spray (not pesticides as listed on IMDB) in turns has the little bastards grow into a horrible “Gremlins” remake! Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy ideas like this but sometimes they just need to stay ideas if that make sense as I give this unneeded parody 1 star.

Toga Party Massacre (DVD) – This rare SOV flick made out of love and no money returns from 1989 to be available again for us completely nutzoid Indy fans. This horror parody gets in and out in 39 minutes as two young ladies have a toga party (even a dated reference at that time) after the parents head out of town. The party is rocking along until two dudes show up late (one wearing a Helloween shirt, kudos) to tell the story of Frankie Robertson that kills the vibe of the party! Now a mysterious man in a mask shows up to kill everyone, is it Frankie Robertson? This is one of those early SOV films that are so bad but so much fun as I laughed several times throughout giving it 3 stars and advise all fans to track this down for some fun.

1962 Halloween Massacre (DVD-R) – College school project, regular Indy project, whatever it is considered this is a film that takes place in 1962 following four friends to a party in the middle of nowhere. As no one dies for the first forty minutes of the film a mysterious killer stalks the party if you wanna call it that as it’s only a party when someone has to die as 99% of the film is focused on these four kids. There is a good idea of a serial killer film somewhere in here but what doesn’t help the project is the film is a very talky horror film. Lots of banter between the four kids driving to the party that continues throughout the movie like the filmmaker had something to prove? Or wanted to say I am smarter than the viewer which never flies these days. Either way if you can through the endless dialogue you will see what I mean about there is a good film somewhere in there it was just not made simply as I give this project 1 ½ stars.

There is Something in the Barn (On Demand) – A holiday horror delight that will baffle horror fans “how wasn’t this in theaters again?” It is Norway at Christmas time as a family has inherited a home in Norway and decided to move from the U.S. to this beautiful landscape. With that in mind the parents decide they are going to remodel the barn to turn it into an Air BnB or something within the year. But their son has different plans as the young boy learns of the barn elves and discovers they have one. The boy wants to respect the barn elf but the parents begin to follow through on their plans and that is where the holiday fun begins with the elves looking to kill all involved! It sucks not many got to see this entertaining horror film this past season but have a feeling like ‘Violent Night, Fatman, and Christmas Bloody Christmas’ horror fans are going to be adding this fun holiday horror to their list next year as I give it 3 stars.

Thanksgiving (On Demand) – It is the Grindhouse trailer turned into a feature that horror fans screamed for years. I have a whole theory on that but let’s get to the review first. For the first time ever the Right Mart store in Plymouth, Mass., is open on Thanksgiving and these people are vicious. A riot happens because the stupid humans want their waffle irons. Many are injured and a few are killed. One year passes by and it’s that time of the year again but some teenagers are receiving social media posts that they are invited to a creepy dinner as a mysterious figure in a John Carver mask has taken to slaughtering the residents who were apart of the riot. Its bloody, it’s fun, turned out better than I thought it would to give us a modern day Thanksgiving slasher that I give a solid 3 stars too. Now on that theory part of this film finally getting made? Should this been made a few years back when the whole ‘black Friday’ thing was more of a thing, yes. Should he have brought this to life after “Machete, Hobo with a Shotgun” got out there, yes. But Eli Roth working on other projects that either had horror fans frustrated fans or them happy as I believe this was a project he always intended to do but never found the right time? Now a little more mature in his filmmaking ways and a good chance of we will never know for sure behind the scenes he may have been forced to make this project when no one seen it happening because he was about to lose it? I have been critical of Eli Roth in the past as some will know but this feels like a Carpenter move by Roth in understanding what fans want but also understanding he is a fan also? There is more to this theory but I think you get what I am saying as I think it was good we got this horror film as it may have not been perfect but believe overall horror fans will enjoy it for years to come.

The Loch Ness Horror (DVD) – For the love of Rutger Hauer what the hell are yinz kids doing over there in the UK making this dumb bullshit? A ship goes down after searching for the mystical creature. Now, an exec cobbles together an unlikely crew for a rescue mission which of course isn’t true soon as you see the characters arrive on a docked ship that never leaves port. Yes this is one of those reviews where I point out all the dumb shit! Anyhow if the CGI monster and ocean isn’t enough be sure to pay attention to the storm that doesn’t get anyone wet, the radar on a cell phone honestly people you are on a fucking large navy vessel, the boat is supposed to be moving and the dude driving it is somewhere in the basement of the boat and yes I said basement because that is where this film should have stayed, or pay attention to the characters as the male characters look like bad extras from a fishing show and the female characters seem they are dressed to have drinks on their little rich yacht! Details PEOPLE! This wasn’t just bad this project is stupid bad and makes me question why I keep watching these things as I give it 0 stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #625

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Joe Bob Briggs Presents: The Sleaziest Movies in the World “Suburban Roulette” (DVD-R/YouTube) – Back in the 80s as Joe Bob was hosting The Movie Channel show he was trying to get some unknown drive-in gems out there in the video store world for movie nuts to find. This was one of them as he does an intro and outro for a H.G. Lewis flick from 1967 that is about wife swapping and swinging. A bit risky for the times but when you watch the film you see how the master H. G. Lewis was able to get this out there as the movie comes off as an educational film about what could go wrong if you get into the “swinger crowd”? The movie isn’t great by any means but a fun piece of cinema history worth one watch if you are any kind of H.G. Lewis fan as I give it 2 stars.

Night Work (Blu-ray) – First time Indy filmmaker Kyle Rayburn directs, writes, and produces this 2019 project about a man named Frank who is a demon/monster hunter or “Nightman”. The days of being young, dumb, and full of … are long behind Frank as he is pulled out of retirement when learning his daughter Elizabeth is alive. Frank must get back into demon fighting mode again with his partner as he goes down a weird road in order to be with his presumed dead daughter again. The film is unconventional but has a certain charm and flare to it with an unknown cast that make their characters their own and believable. This is an oddly entertaining and well shot first feature that is worth giving a chance if yinz are looking for something different in the Indy horror genre as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

Satanic Soccer Mom from Ohio (Blu-ray) – For his second feature Kyle Rayburn brings together an all-star cast of talented people and an absolutely wonderful title that just delighted me especially when it opens with a quote from ‘The X-files’. Annie is a mom whose husband Jack disappeared two years ago and just trying to do her best in raising her kids. Annie doesn’t exactly fit in with the Karens but her best friend does the best she can of being the go-between. Annie and the best friend make a mistake of going to the ‘Karens’ craft party/demonic conjuring where Annie gets totally trashed after her husband becomes the main subject of the gossip that night. Annie being trashed accidentally bleeds on her craft that causes her to conjure a demonic ride-share driver Todd. Todd explains he will grant three wishes for Annie but in the end she will have to pay with her soul no matter what the consequences are? But never rule out anything when the board game “Candy Land” is involved. This Indy horror/comedy proves Kyle Rayburn knows how to put together a talented cast with no money and give one hell of an entertaining flick as I give this feature 3 out of 4 stars.

Freddy’s Fridays (On Demand) – A new UK horror flick about an evil sleazy dude who lures women to his basement to be slaughtered by monsters who just happen to resemble the ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ things. Apparently there is some weird thing about you have to sacrifice eight souls only on Fridays in order to satisfy the monsters needs. Or what I like to call throw shit against the wall for a horror flick and see if some weirdo (me) watches it? I give it 1 star and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Subway (Tubi) – A super weird mid-80s French film where a weird, blonde, coked up looking Highlander named Fred spends the whole movie chasing after a woman who doesn’t want to be in a loveless marriage to her rich husband. Just to make even more no sense Fred lives in the subway system of Paris with his roller skating friend where they are trying to get a band they support a gig. Just fucking weird 80s shit I give 2 stars too.

Highlander 2: The Quickening aka Renegade Version (Tubi) – Been way too long since I have reviewed this sequel as I am a fan of the original film. But in order to even begin talking about the sequel in case you are not old like me this film was legendary plagued with production issues it ran into during and after. For many years it was considered one of the worse if not the worst films ever made as footage was added to the movie after its disaster of a theatrical run just trying to make sense of the non-sense for fans. So you got some time to kill go down this rabbit hole to read up on the issues as I believe since there have been so many bad movies this one may have been lost in the shuffle or even forgotten? Anyway it is the year 2024 and twenty-five years have gone by since the Highlander was one of the inventors of a shield to protect the Earth as the ozone layer was months away from disappearing. Connor MacLeod has finally aged and accepted his fate of death soon until bad ass alien highlander Michael Ironside sends a couple of cronies to his dimension of Earth. (Oh yeah, apparently the Highlander is an alien… Wait, WTF? Yes, exactly.) Since this evil menace decided to track down Connor he regains his youth and immortality, yells for Sean Connery, and game on to behead people! When Connor isn’t doing that he gets to bang Virginia Madsen and she convinces him the ozone has repaired itself so she needs help bringing down the shield. It is a mess for sure but is it: Jaws the Revenge, Battlefield Earth, Howard the Duck, House of the Dead, Speed 2, The Fog (remake) just to throw out a few? So yeah there are tons of bad ones as I just think this is more of a mess or mistake than bad for the mere reason we do get bad ass Michael Ironside just having fun the whole picture as I give it 1 star.

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday (Blu-ray) – It took me awhile of watching this Indy flick as its a few years old but believe me it will still pack a wallop. The beginning dream sequence is a wonderful and bleak intro to setting up the difficult tone of this post-apocalyptic holiday film that just immediately sucks you in. Kelly and her son Riley are living in a bomb shelter where dad has ventured out into the new cruel desolate and damaged world with possibly no return. One day Kelly ventures out herself just to see if there is any sign of things getting better outside of the shelter? Her findings force her into making a decision about herself and Riley since the end of the world is quickly closing in on them. Without spoiling too much the film is brilliantly shot giving an absolute gloomy, depressing, and utter no hope feel and look. Writer/director Mike Lombardo does a perfect job of not just giving us a terrible new world but giving us an absolutely beautiful unHollywood ending that made me giddy as I give the film 4 out of 4 stars.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow (YouTube) – Another deep dive of a short film into Philip Brocklehurst’s mind showing the art of life and how quickly it goes. I always respect what this filmmaker puts out there which always excites me he may one day have a feature out there as I give the short 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Murder in Black Satin (Blu-ray) – Elbert Smith and Matt Parmenter of Witch Doctor Films are back at it again as they give something Indy film wise different each time out which of course will always make me take notice. This time was no different as we get a gritty old school serial killer film about the “Soulless Slasher”. A worn out down and dirty detective is called into the investigation of the Soulless Slasher which leads him to find out the killer has a fetish for the hearts of his murder victims. Moe must keep himself together long enough to follow the leads wherever they may take him as Moe fights his past in order to do what his peers cannot. The serial killer film understand its story content and doesn’t overstay its running time as Witch Doctor Films gives another solid effort as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Natty Knocks (DVD) – October 1976 the film begins with a woman being called a witch then dragged to a barn and burned alive as her son watches. Now October 2023 in the same small town a girl goes missing but a couple of teenagers believe they witnessed her in an abandoned home getting beat up. In comes the odd urban Halloween legend of the town, a babysitter trying to protect two kids she was hired to look after, and a killer who is obsessed with watching old horror movies in the abandoned home and apparently you get a Halloween horror film. Overall there is just a weird dynamic to the whole film as the babysitter looks literally one year older than one of the two kids she looks after. Then another part of this dynamic is the whole witch, possible possession, and local scream queen weird thing. I don’t know… good cast, not a terrible movie, but feels thrown together in some ways if that makes sense as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #433

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Gross Movie Reviews #433

 

Black Water (DVD) – We have a killer action flick on a super-secret sub starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and Patrick Kilpatrick. JCVD is Wheeler who gets caught up in a double cross over a thumb-drive that has secrets that can be sold worldwide. Patrick Kilpatrick is the man who has brought him in and transporting him on a C.I.A. black ops sub that doesn’t exist. Wheeler’s neighboring cellmate just happens to be a German named Marco played by Dolph who cannot be killed because he knows too much and may be to high profile? When things get double-crossed again and no one to trust as people are being killed on the sub Wheeler turns to Marco for help. The movie plays out like “Under Siege” on a sub which isn’t a bad thing. The film is a lot of fun especially because of the Marco character but just feel more could have been done with this action flick. It’s good but not great and potential to be great as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Blood Moon (VHS) – An Australian slasher film from 1990 about an all-girls Catholic high school and its students being stalked and killed by an unknown killer. When a girl and her boyfriend disappear no one blinks an eye except for her best friend who feels something could be going on? But honestly she isn’t too worried as she goes to a dance and meets a dreamy dude who snuck into their dance. Soon more girls disappear and the police begin snooping around a creepy Science teacher who he and his wife have a secret? This flick is your scraping the barrel kind of slasher film that doesn’t have much substance. Remember its 1990 so I am sure this was made on mostly on the cheap. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Raiders of Atlantis (DVD) – Hey remember that “Cannibal Holocaust” Deodato dude? Well he made a bunch of other movies for those who may not know. And this gem is a wonderful must-see mess! Released in 1983 under the title “Atlantis Interceptors” in some countries takes “The Road Warrior” rip-off to a whole other off the wall level. Off the coast of Florida some scientists have found an artifact at the bottom of the ocean that proves the existence of Atlantis. They are going to try and move a sunken Russian sub to investigate more. When moved, the sea floor opens, a tidal wave destroys the scientific ocean platform, and a biker gang led by ‘fish bowl man’ begins murdering people on the mainland. The “Atlantis Interceptors” are back to take the mainland from these dumb humans! Never mind asking why they have customized motorcycles with swords on them and cars with guns on them? Just except this mess of a plot hole and thank me later for enjoying a great post-apocalyptic movie about two dudes trying to save the world by flying into Atlantis and fucking shit up! I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD) – So twenty some years later they decided to make a sequel with Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is a F.B.I. agent who goes undercover to question six year olds about a flash drive their old teacher may have hidden? The drive has all the identities of everyone in witness protection. Of course hijinks ensue but not nearly as funny as the original from 1990 starring Arnold. But it had Dolph so I know I am in it for at least one watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Welcome to Willits (DVD) – This odd horror flick was a very nice little surprise from 2016. A girl (Anastasia Baranova from “Z Nation”) home from college in her little Northern California town has an uncle and aunt that have a huge weed crop they protect. Her uncle believes aliens are trying to steal his crop and do weird shit to him. This all started when he substituted something in his batch of meth not too long ago and his visions of aliens and a Dolph Lundgren cop show ‘Fists of Justice’ continue to get worse. What doesn’t help is some campers are staying nearby and stumble upon the crop and war is declared as the uncle believes he is killing aliens. This flick is a funny and unexpected gore fest! To give an extra twist is Rory Culkin who shows up as the weird hitchhiker picked up by the campers to give it that extra creep but fun horror factor. Movie fans this is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 stars.

 

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (DVD) – Since I have seen one and three it was only fair I eventually checked out the Uwe Boll sequel starring Dolph Lundgren. Dolph is Granger in present day. Granger gets pulled into a time warp which takes him to a distant time where he is called “The Chosen One”. He is deceived into thinking he must go up a mountain and kill the ‘Holy Mother’ who leads the ‘Dark Ones’. But he finds out the truth from the Holy Mother that he is placed into the future as an orphan to potentially return and save them all from the evil king who has deceived all who follow him. Granger’s future world depends on him stopping the king’s evil plan of a plague. Apparently they ran out of Jason Statham money and Uwe Boll had a leftover script from his “House of the Dead” projects and you have this… I give the fantasy flick 1 star.

 

4 Got 10 (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, and Michael Pare are all wrapped up together in this tale of a man who forgets who he is and has a van full of drugs and money. As the man tries to remember what happened, a crooked cop kills the wrong partner and a DEA agent and a drug lord have questions. Your typical direct-to-HULU/NETFLIX jams for weirdoes like me who believe those three names are always gold for action flicks. Or at least worth one watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Children of the Corn: Runaway (DVD) – So John Gulager needed a paycheck so “hey we need someone to direct the ninth entry into this useless series only Tim Gross watches?” A woman named Ruth is trying to escape her past with a cult that killed all their parents over a decade ago. She left when pregnant so her son would have a chance in the normal world. Of course evil has followed her and wants her son. The film isn’t terrible but if you are having trouble sleeping this might help you as I give it 1 star.

 

Hellraiser: Judgment (DVD) – Of course this tenth entry sucked a huge double bag of dicks! Think remake of the fifth entry “Inferno”? If you remotely know what I am talking about please turn away and don’t watch because it will make you feel stupid and angry. For the love of DOUG BRADLEY, $350,000 budget! Thank you Dimension Films for releasing another hot pile donkey shit into the world and just insulting horror movie fans, Clive Barker, and humans in general. Worst movie of 2018! Wait question what is worse? Jeepers Creepers 3 or this entry into the so-called Hellraiser series? Hold on I think I need to go drown myself in the tub while I slit my wrists at the same time. Crap film gets crap move on folks.

Surviving Evil (DVD) – So Billy Zane plays an adventure dude who does a survival show for a cable channel. Zane and his crew head to a supposedly haunted island in the Philippines to shoot their latest episode of the TV show. One of the crew knows of the legends on the island but is choosing to ignore them as he has other motives of why he is there. This crew member knows of Japanese gold that is hidden on the island and is willing to risk his friends and his own life for the payoff. But the legend becomes real when shape-shifting tribe of demons show up and sniff out one of the crew is pregnant. Apparently pregnant women to these cool demons are Yuengling to me? The movie has some great build up, Billy Zane being Billy Zane, lots of gore, and really interesting demon things! This pleasant horror film feels like a really awesome SyFy Channel film that was too awesome to be on the “Sharknado” network. This film gets 3 really kick ass demon stars.

 

Kickboxer: Retaliation (DVD) – In case you haven’t had your fill of these movies JCVD’s character Durand is blinded by a fight promoter and must help Kurt Sloane train again. But this isn’t any ordinary fight as the fight promoter is Christopher Lambert and he is a ruthless rich bastard that wants Sloan to fight a chemically enhanced fighter. So Lambert kidnaps Sloan’s wife and gets Sloan arrested and thrown into a Bangkok prison. There Sloan trains with Mike Tyson and JCVD now that he has no choice to defend his title. If you are an action film fan this will be your bonerjam or your Viagra until they give us another Jason Statham action flick? Really enjoying JCVD doing another one of these as I give it 3 stars and yes Mike Tyson still looks scary even when he is acting.

 

Dune Warriors (DVD) – A post-apocalyptic B-movie mess from 1990, the Corman group producing, and stars David Carradine. A small village is being taken over by some warlords for their water. A woman in the village has had enough and goes out to hire five warriors to help defend the village. If you like watching dumb ass shit like me you’ll enjoy it. Let’s just say it isn’t “Deathsport” or “Battletruck”. I give it barely one Carradine as he was barely there for the paycheck.

 

Lunatics: A Love Story (DVD) – This oddity is truly a love story that stars Ted Raimi as Hank, who is a writer and has not left his apartment in six months. A huge part of it is he keeps having delusions of spiders and a doctor (Bruce Campbell) trying to cut him or give him a shot. His life changes when he believes he is calling a dating line and it happens to be a pay phone. The phone is picked up by Deborah Foreman’s character Nancy, who believes she is a jinx. She just got done getting thrown out of her hotel room, dumped by her boyfriend, and shot a gang member in the foot. On a whim Nancy accepts Hank’s invite to his apartment. Nancy tries to look past all the foil and Hank’s weirdness and they connect for their love of poetry. But Nancy believing she is a jinx runs away only to force Hank to overcome his fear of leaving the apartment to go get the girl. Josh Becker put together a hilarious tale with a great cast that I believe the studios were unsure of how to advertise. When someone brings up you should watch a love story with them go with this flick as I give it 3 ½ stars and you won’t be disappointed or bored.

 

Nightflyers (VHS) – I keep getting this confused with the Stephen Machet flick with killer bats. But this is the 1987 space flick starring Catherine Mary Stewart who is a part of a crew that gets on a ship that might be alive? They are off on a mission and become more curious as they never meet the captain and the Class 10 telepath on board keeps warning them bad shit is going to happen to them. The ship computer controls everything including her son Royd who must have seen “The Last Starfighter” and “Night of the Comet” and realizes how hot Ms. Stewart is and begins to converse with her. Some boring space shit happens, then the ship tries to kill them all, and we get a scene where the telepath gets his face cut in half by a laser “Intruder-style”. Outside of the really cool death by laser scene; the movie seems to suffer several things including many rewrites most likely. But hey it is being remade into a TV show so there is that as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Argoman: The Fantastic Superman (YouTube) – Oh the shit I couldn’t make up? Sir Reginald Hoover is Argoman. An Italian Batman clone who believes saving the world and keeping peace. But also he loses his powers for six hours if he bangs hot women of 1967. Argoman’s nemesis Jenabell is busy stealing a crown and forcing France to give her all their money. When that isn’t going on Sir Reginald is busy boning Jenabell and will capture her when the time is right. The rest of the movie is Argoman escaping custody and just seeing what else he can do for fun with his amazing powers. The movie doesn’t a whole lick of sense but I was entertained and laughed several times and for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

See yinz at GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details! 

Yep, we are still recording episodes…

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This week we welcome back our god buddy Steve Benningfield to the show to talk about a weirdo Doris Wishman flick called A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER. Tim talks about the final entry into a beloved franchise in BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR.  And Kyle talks about his go to B movie action guy Christopher Lambert in FORTRESS. Also Steve tips us off to a website that destroys the show with its vast selection of weird movies.  So sit back and enjoy.

 episode 193

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #364

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Gross Movie Reviews #364

 

By Tim Gross

 

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (VHS) – Christopher Lambert is back in this sequel that lacks the excitement of the first prison outbreak movie. But it does have the cheese quality as this one takes place ten years in the future and he has been caught again and place in a prison in space. Did I mention Pam Grier makes an appearance, she is no Jeffrey Combs in the first flick but it is always cool to see Pam in these types’ cheesy flicks? All Lambert wants to do is escape and get back to his family as I give it 2 stars.

 

Elvira Presents: Dead of Night (VHS) – A Thriller Video Production that has Elvira hosting an anthology film from the late 70s that were all stories based on Richard Matheson works. First one is about time travel, the second is about vampires, and the third story is the creepy one as it’s about a woman who brings her dead kid back to life. The film doesn’t play out like a hardcore horror anthology like a “Creepshow” or “Tales from the Crypt” but more like an “Amazing Stories” episode and still a lot of fun to watch. I give it 3 stars.

 

Teen Alien (VHS) – A low budget film from 1978 that is like a mid-west after school special. In the 50s something landed up at the Old Mill. It has been quiet for 20 years until now when the alien decides to turn itself into a kid and visit the local town’s school population. It finds out his home ‘the old mill’ is about to be used as a ‘spook alley’ for Halloween by some teenagers. Once the kids are inside it slowly terrorizes the kids. Fun crappy 70s cheesy goodness for the soul as I give it 2 stars.

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My Crepitus (VHS) – The independent film is from 2000 and apparently considered the first film of filmmaker Michael Maggot aka Michael Todd Schneider. The film was rereleased in a very limited VHS format under its original title “I Never Left the White Room”. So apparently the VHS I found in my basement is one of its kind (sort of)? But anyway the best way to describe Mr. Maggot’s first feature a slow, bizarre, visually crazy twisted overload of the horror senses. A man named Jeffery has lost his mind and the film takes you down the rabbit hole that is Jeffery’s madness. If there is one thing I have learned watching Mr. Maggot’s films they are an entity of its own as his film are always something different and something you may never see again… I give the truly bizarre feature 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Beyond the Door III (VHS) – Thought I found another true sequel to a series of films that lack everything in an entertaining horror film and I was right. But the film is also known as “Amok Train”. A young lady named Beverly heads of on a class field trip to Belgrade, Serbia for some weird centuries old ceremony. Once there she is put to sleep while her friends are boarded up and set on fire in these huts. Most escape to get on a train for the next 70 minutes that apparently is possessed and fucks all kinds of shit in front of it and can drive across swamps! Weird unentertaining shit, but it was a sequel and in my DNA I was put on this earth to witness this kind of crap as I give it 1 star.

 

Cannibals (VHS) – Jess Franco’s 1979 version of a cannibal movie as the film has had several titles: Cannibal Girl and White Cannibal Queen are the popular titles. A family is shipwrecked on an uncharted island that just happens to have cannibals. The tribe eats the mother to death, eats the father’s arm, and takes their little girl to make their own. Many years later the father struggles to put together an expedition together to go find his little girl. Whose now all grown-up, topless, and getting raped by the top warrior of the cannibal tribe. We are talking family entertainment my friends. Somewhat boring but has a few disgusting cannibal moments that will warm a gore hound’s heart. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Taken 3 (DVD) – Liam Neeson decides it’s time to reboot “The Fugitive” without Tommy Lee Jones but with Forest Whitaker. Somewhat disappointing as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Hollow (DVD) – Yes, I know I keep finding movies that have this title and if keeping track I believe this is the third or maybe the fourth but anyway it’s about the Headless Horseman of course. Ichabod Crane’s descendent has to save the small town of Sleepy Hollow as the Headless Horseman returns according to Stacey Keach as the caretaker. But Crane’s descendent denies that the legend can be true until he is actually faced with the demon throwing pumpkins at him. The film also has some famous familiar young faces. If possible the film is more like a “Goosebumps” entry into the Headless Horseman lure but a good watch for all horror movie fans as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Divide (DVD) – This 2011 film stars Michael Biehn as the super of an apartment building that several tenants rush to the basement with Biehn’s character to lock themselves in as nuclear war has broken out and destroyed the world above them. Not long after settling in someone comes knocking on the door and its men in biohazard suits that shoot a couple people and steal the lone child of the group. After that which seemed like an amazing bad ass film becomes a stupid boring useless entry into the nuclear war genre of film. The film either lacked funds or brains behind the project ( I will go with brains) and was most likely the factor the film went unnoticed by many including Hollywood. The film is one of the bigger disappointments in my recent movie watching as I give zero stars for fucking up a good concept!

 

Pound of Flesh (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme goes to China to donate one of his kidneys to his niece. But the night he gets there he hooks up with an escort and his kidney gets taken. Now it’s a race against time as he must find his kidney so his niece can survive which we also find out is actually his kid because he banged his brother’s wife ten years ago! Completely unrealistic shit that I love seeing JCVD in as I give it 3 stars.

 

Exists (DVD) – Some twentysomethings take off deep into the woods to their uncle’s remote cabin. Their uncle has not been to the cabin in years because of something he saw. Once there the young-ins has some fun but hear some horrible noises but think nothing of it. But one of them films everything and begins to capture or notices some strange images in the background and believes its Bigfoot. The film dude believes this because the night before their truck hit something and possibly wounded it. But now it’s too late as Bigfoot starts terrorizing them at the cabin and it wants blood! Reminds me a little of “Embedded” and this sasquatch film is so much more interesting than “Willow Creek” as I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.