Gross Movie Reviews #485

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Gross Movie Reviews #485

 

Sexsquatch (DVD) – Let’s be upfront I am not the biggest fan of Chris Seaver but if you are independent horror fan you have to admit there is a film he made you liked and disliked. Plus Chris has made an impact on the Indy scene during his decade-plus of filmmaking. Going into this film on title alone and not knowing Mr. Seaver was behind it I gotta say thank you to him for making me laugh at this one. A party, “Get Laid Party” is being thrown for Joey the virgin! As the party rages and the girls there are about to decide who will start their decline on young Joey, Stinkfist the Sexsquatch is lurking around the lakeside home. When Stinkfist isn’t pooping in people’s backyards the Sexsquatch rapes people and talks politely to them while doing it. The movie is bad but it is meant to be bad and looks like Chris and friends had fun all the way as I did watching this adventure. I give this hilarious take on the Bigfoot legend 3 out of 4 stars.

Watchers (DVD) – Scrounging through the internet channels you never know what you may find? As I always have my list of ‘hard to find’ movies I was able to track down a viewing of the Region 2 disc of 1988’s ‘Watchers” starring Corey Haim and Michael Ironside. You could always be stupid and pay ridiculous amount of money on eBay or Amazon for the out-of-print DVDs or take five minutes and Google that shit folks. This Region 2 disc claims to be unrated version but rewatching this film I do not believe there is anything special? For yinz kids that don’t know after the Stephen King catalog was being adapted to the big screen every two minutes during the 80s Roger Corman and some others decided to seek out other popular authors. Dean Koontz was one of them as he had a few movie adaptions but like King most of them lacked the horror that was supposed to be in them. Anyway I was a fan of a couple of Koontz books and thought it was time to revisit this one to see if it got any better with age? But also too have thought if there was a movie that actually did a remake it would be this film. The plot of the film and book is about a military experiment where a golden retriever and a weird Bigfoot-like creature were linked together. It was supposed to be the future in military weaponry! Where ever the dog went, the creature went and eliminated the people the dog interacted with. Well with a fire at the Oxcom Corporation the dog and creature escape into the woods. Agent Johnson (Michael Ironside) is brought in to capture both by any means needed. Between Agent Johnson enjoying ripping eyeballs out and before 90210 Jason Priestly showing up the dog finds Cory Haim and they strike up a relationship. Once the authorities and Johnson come sniffing around and the bodies begin piling up Haim, mum, and the dog go on the run. Again enjoyed the book and again I was a fan of Haim and Michael Ironside but this movie still falls flat today. I give it 2 stars.

 

The Furies (On Demand) – Another recent Aussie horror flick getting a little press here in the states is about a woman named Kayla who is kidnapped and left in the woods. She quickly finds out she isn’t alone and there is a border she cannot cross without being in agony. But what makes this film a little different from the rest is for every young lady out there in the woods there is a weird masked killer who is trying to kill the women. But keep in mind the killer is trying to protect their babe so their head doesn’t explode. Kayla becomes an interesting character as her character blacks out from time to time because of epilepsy and not having her pills to prevent it. This leads a couple of the women she meets up with to believe it is on purpose or she is also a killer? Also I forgot to mention Kayla figures out the people behind the kidnapping and weird game have an implant behind her eyeball. The ending was a little predictable but if you are looking for just a super gory flick where you can cheer for people to die then you found your title as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Haunting of the Winchester House (DVD) – A family of three has moved into the Winchester mansion as caretakers for the home. But immediately moving in weird shit begins to happen and a man who happens to be a paranormal expert just happens to show up and help if needed. As stuff keeps happening the family turns to the local paranormal expert Harrison Dent to resolve the issue. In the end none of it will matter as you will learn as I did ghosts are racist… or at least according to this movie as I give it 2 stars.

Watchers 2 (YouTube) – The sequel which was released two years later in 1990 stars Marc Singer who hangs out with the dog this time around and they seek out the extremely hot scientist Tracy Scroggins. This film just ignores the first film and does its own reboot thing as the project involving AE-73 and AE-74 is terminated at Anodyne. Which of course pissed off the lead scientist allows animal activists to come in and release the animals as he wants to continue the experiment with the dog and creature. A lot of boring shit goes down that includes Marc Singer and the dog ordering pizza and the government wanting everything back. Again another misstep by Corman and crew bringing this book to the big screen as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Watchers 3 (VHS) – So four more years pass and Corman decides okay crew: we got no money, stock footage of part two, and Wings Hauser now go make this work. What we get is bootleg creature I believe they stole from “The Fly 2” as the creature and drop it, the dog, and Wings Hauser in Thailand sorry (cough, cough) Central America to do a bare bones “Predator” flick. Wings Hauser is military prisoners who with four others is sent to Central America to clean up loose ends but are actually part of the experiment to see if it actually works before the U.S. military put into action on a regular basis. I love me some Wings Hauser like everyone else but again another misstep but at least it has something to do with the last movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Thir13en Ghosts (DVD) – The 2001 remake of the 1960 William Castle film tries to do a lot updates but for some reason this was one horror film I could not get behind. Giving this a try again as Monk and family inherit a giant weird house when his forgotten rich uncle dies. They believe all their financial woes are over but of course it is too good to be true as Shaggy from the “Scream” movie comes to warn them of the dangerous ghosts that live in the house as he help capture them. Locked in and doors opening for the ghosts to move about the family must survive and figure out how to stop the machine their crazy ass uncle put in the middle of the home that may just open a gate to hell? Some cool looking make-up FX but still not a fan of the flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Ranger (DVD/Shudder) – As usual I let this one simmer as a couple of folks completely lost their mind claiming best horror film of 2018/2019. As a little girl Chelsea was helped by a forest ranger now a young adult and running with some punks she calls friends they head to her dead uncle’s cabin. One to face her past but two her punk boyfriend just killed a cop so she wouldn’t get busted with his drugs. Struggling with her friends at the cabin soon becomes a lesser thing when the forest ranger she knew is a crazy serial killer who protects his mountain. Anybody that disobeys the national park rules they must be dealt punishment. A couple cool kills in the flick but nothing to flashy here horror wise as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #398

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Gross Movie Reviews #398

 

Deadly Instincts (DVD) – In the U.S. this 90s flick is known as ‘Breeders’. Almost everywhere else it is known as ‘Deadly Instincts’. Believe me when you see the video box or poster you most likely walked past this flick at some point in time at a video store. A U.F.O. happens to crash land at an all-girls college, hooray for us horndogs! There is a creature inside with an alien woman also scurrying about. The creature is there to stalk beautiful women down to see who can be a suitable host for its offspring. The bodies begin piling up and no one is listening to the teacher who’s banging his favorite student. Eventually the authorities find the secret tunnels under the college and begin to investigate but are no match for the creature! We have bootleg Pumpkinhead, bootleg Julie Strain, it’s from the U.K., I am in every time as I give the 90s flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Lego Batman Movie (Theater) – We all can argue to our deaths that DC universe has fucked up a lot shit. But when it comes to “Lego Batman” they do not fuck around and take a cue from the first ‘Lego Movie’ and run with it. The film is based around Batman being awesome and the ultimate hero of course, but with Commissioner Gordon retiring and Gotham not needing Batman any longer he is lonely. But Batman has always been a loner? With the Joker in the asylum cooking up his next plan Batman comes face to face with why his life is incomplete. In a series of events of sending the Joker to the “Phantom Zone”, Joker is able to hatch his latest ultimate plan in hopes of Batman understanding he needs to hate the Joker. Batman soon understands he needs family to conquer evil. Great story and Batman fans will not be disappointed as filmmakers find a way to incorporate every incarnation of Batman and his movies throughout the film. More than likely this will be one of the best movies you watch in 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Superbeast (DVD) – An early 70s flick about a woman doctor who goes to the jungles of the Philippines to investigate a strange happening. Back in the states she is called in to do an autopsy on a man or thing that terrorized a plane on its way from the Philippines. Instead of discovering something great in evolution she discovers bootleg Dr. Moreau whose mistakes are hunted for sport by a rich dude. Somewhat boring but does have a good ending as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

House 4: Repossession (DVD) – Before you even ask I do not think any of the ‘House’ movies have anything to do with each other including part 4 that happens to star William Katt. For those who might not know Mr. Katt starred in the 80s classic original that also co-starred Richard Moll and George Wendt where his old dead army buddy kidnaps his kid. This sequel does not even come close to being that good. I also believe this movie was under a different title but somebody thought they could cash in on the title ‘House’ when William Katt was in it and they were wrong. This flick has William Katt (Roger) inherit his father’s old house. Apparently his grandfather made a blood oath and the house must stay in Roger’s family. When a tragic accident takes Roger’s life, his wife and daughter movie into the place thinking it’s the right thing to do. Until the half-brother keeps pushing for them to sell the house and strange things keep happening (a pizza that sings then gets stab to explode all over the lead actress). I give the film 1 star and still wondering if it was a true sequel where is Brion James and Lance Henriksen and shouldn’t it be called ‘The Horror Show 2’?

 

The Night Shift (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite and hardest working filmmakers Massimiliano Cerchi (say that five times fast in a Pittsburgh/yinzer accent) is back with his latest film that centers around Frank the security guard. Frank has just scored the ultimate cushy guard duty job of working overnight to watch a mansion for some rich dude. Only catch don’t fall asleep? Frank gets bored quickly but is unsure of how this is an easy deal even with Frank’s boss explaining it’s an easy deal and don’t fall asleep. Frank still unsure of the big mysterious home finds himself dozing off to sleep and being awakened by strange things. The strange things are demons fucking with Frank and clearly the best part of the film. The plot of the film is solid if it was a half hour or so? But its longer running time especially without really introducing the demons sooner may bore some viewers. Now the film only runs 65 minutes but the demons are that fucking awesome they deserved more screen time. The demons are the allure of watching this film and I would give this film a more favorable review if I got more of those bad ass creepy demons. The demons are the stars of this story and felt they needed to be fleshed out more? Hell, if they were in it more maybe this could be marketed as ‘Demons 7’ and found a way for Caroline Munro to make a cameo. I just feel when you have such cool looking and possibly interesting creatures/demons you should build the film around them not the other way around… Anyway I still got mad respect for Mr. Cerchi as a filmmaker because I have no doubt he is working on something better as I give this project 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

The Dead of Night (DVD) – Some high school students party at the cemetery all the time. So when the popular students invite the geeks to their little party site you know nothing good is going to come of it. The prank goes wrong when the two geeks are attacked by a creature that changes them and now they want to take over other students. Not a really exciting 1 star horror movie.

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Never Too Young to Die (YouTube) – Finally this mid-80s gem will find its way onto Blu-ray and all will be right with the world as I spent most of the 90s looking for this flick. The most random action thriller that stars a young John Stamos as Stargrove, a cross-dressing villain named Ragnar played by Gene Simmons, Vanity as a secret agent, and Robert Englund for five minutes as a sadistic mad computer bomber! It played a few times on HBO in the mid-80s and all but disappeared the video stores I frequented and when I explained it (pre-internet) people thought I made it up? Lance Stargrove is a gymnast whose father is a legendary secret government agent who is killed by Ragnar and his fingernail for a program disk that could poison the water supply for a hundred years. When the disk cannot be found Ragnar sits back to allow Lance to find the disk for him. Lance finds out with his father’s death he inherits a farm where Vanity rides horses and random extras from the Mad Max films show up looking to kill for the disk! The movie has at least ten ideas crammed into one film in a good way and may be the best film featuring Gene Simmons. The movie is one big fun random mess that I enjoy still 30 years later as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Stryker (DVD) – I found another post-apocalyptic film from the Philippines that Roger Corman’s production company produced that begins with the phrase “whoever controls the water controls the world.” Everyone is looking for water in the wastelands: midgets, women in shoulder pads, men in S&M gear but a man named Stryker roams the wastelands defending people against evil. When he finds a woman whose colony has an endless supply of water he must help and defend her and her colony from all who will kill for it. I give the flick 1 ½ stars but this is the first of many post-apocalyptic flicks from our buddy who gave us: Equalizer 2000, Future Hunters, Wheels of Fire, and a few others. You can see what he perfected over the series of films go along in the 80s…

 

Ebola Zombies (DVD) – It begins and ends with a bunch of political mumbo jumbo comparing zombies to soulless people of today. An Asian zombie film about a jewelry heist that goes sideways when the thieves find a scientist experimenting with the SARS and Ebola virus. Zombies everywhere and slow motion fight scenes make me wanna puke and have nightmares of the ‘Resident Evil’ sequels. I give it 0 stars.

 

Mom (DVD) – A strange and interesting werewolf film from the early 90s about Nester (Brion James) who happens to infect a news anchor’s mom when renting a room from her. The news anchor scrambles to keep his mother in check as she goes out at night to feed on humans. When her son questions why she does it and answer is, “I’m hungry and it helps my arthritis.” It’s a fun lower budgeted werewolf flick that I wouldn’t be surprised it was made two or three years before its release as it doesn’t fit the time. But the appeal of Brion James and cheesy werewolf effects make this a must watch for us movie nerds as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ice Soldiers (DVD) – Michael Ironside and Dominic Purcell are part of a secret research team looking into the mysterious events in Canadian Artic in 1962 and trying to tap the land for oil. The story goes with everyone paying attention to the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 while three soldiers in Swiss uniforms are found in the artic after a plane crash. They kill all who is there except a woman scientist who is raped. 50 years pass and now a new team is there to possibly find out answers. They get more than they bargain for when the soldiers unfreeze and begin killing again as they have a mission to complete. The film is a really cool B-movie action/thriller surprise you are not expecting if you enjoy these types of films. Plus Michael Ironside… 3 stars, enough said.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

TERROR FILMS SHARES TWO CLIPS FROM ORIGINAL HORROR ANTHOLOGY PATIENT SEVEN

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Los Angeles, CA, October 7th, 2016 – On the heels of its October 11th release, Terror Films is sharing two more clips (“Get the Noose” & “I Wouldn’t Mess with this One Doc”) from their highly anticipated Horror Anthology, PATIENT SEVEN. The film will be available on: YouTube, Vimeo On Demand, Amazon Instant Video, Google Play, Xbox Live, VUDU, Sony PlayStation and iTunes. On iTunes it is available here, for pre-orders:

http://geni.us/patientseven

As well, PATIENT SEVEN is receiving a limited release from Redbox and it will also be released on Amazon Prime, the 24-Hour Movie Channel on Roku and Cable VOD. Release dates on those platforms will be announced at a later date.  

patient-seven-danny-draven-movie-poster

The film features a wrap-around story written by Barry Jay Stitch (The Chosen) and directed by genre veteran Danny Draven (Reel Evil). It intertwines 7 award winning, short films by filmmakers from around the globe that include: Nicholas Peterson, Paul Davis, Ómar Örn Hauksson, Dean Hewison, Erlingur Thoroddsen, Joel Morgan, Johannes Persson and Rasmus Wassberg. The cast includes Amy Smart (Just Friends), Alfie Allen (“Game of Thrones”), and Doug Jones (Crimson Peak), among others.

The wrap-around stars genre favorite, Michael Ironside (Total Recall) as Dr. Marcus, a renowned psychiatrist. His character has selected 6 severely mentally ill and dangerous patients from the Spring Valley Mental Hospital to interview as part of research for his new book. As Dr. Marcus interviews each patient, one by one the horrors they have committed begin to unfold. However, Dr. Marcus soon learns that there is one patient that has been kept from him by the hospital’s administrator – Dr. Vincent played by Jack Plotnick ( Reno 911!: Miami).

“Get the Noose” Clip from a segment directed by Rasmus Wassberg:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbHcfIodve0

“I Wouldn’t Mess With This One Doc” Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s90nCkiAEcA

Official Trailer: https://youtu.be/0JQQwa7Wi1U

Official Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/patientsevenfilm/?fref=ts

For more information on Terror Films, go to: http://www.terrorfilms.net/film/patient-seven