Gross Movie Reviews #364
By Tim Gross
Fortress 2: Re-Entry (VHS) – Christopher Lambert is back in this sequel that lacks the excitement of the first prison outbreak movie. But it does have the cheese quality as this one takes place ten years in the future and he has been caught again and place in a prison in space. Did I mention Pam Grier makes an appearance, she is no Jeffrey Combs in the first flick but it is always cool to see Pam in these types’ cheesy flicks? All Lambert wants to do is escape and get back to his family as I give it 2 stars.
Elvira Presents: Dead of Night (VHS) – A Thriller Video Production that has Elvira hosting an anthology film from the late 70s that were all stories based on Richard Matheson works. First one is about time travel, the second is about vampires, and the third story is the creepy one as it’s about a woman who brings her dead kid back to life. The film doesn’t play out like a hardcore horror anthology like a “Creepshow” or “Tales from the Crypt” but more like an “Amazing Stories” episode and still a lot of fun to watch. I give it 3 stars.
Teen Alien (VHS) – A low budget film from 1978 that is like a mid-west after school special. In the 50s something landed up at the Old Mill. It has been quiet for 20 years until now when the alien decides to turn itself into a kid and visit the local town’s school population. It finds out his home ‘the old mill’ is about to be used as a ‘spook alley’ for Halloween by some teenagers. Once the kids are inside it slowly terrorizes the kids. Fun crappy 70s cheesy goodness for the soul as I give it 2 stars.
My Crepitus (VHS) – The independent film is from 2000 and apparently considered the first film of filmmaker Michael Maggot aka Michael Todd Schneider. The film was rereleased in a very limited VHS format under its original title “I Never Left the White Room”. So apparently the VHS I found in my basement is one of its kind (sort of)? But anyway the best way to describe Mr. Maggot’s first feature a slow, bizarre, visually crazy twisted overload of the horror senses. A man named Jeffery has lost his mind and the film takes you down the rabbit hole that is Jeffery’s madness. If there is one thing I have learned watching Mr. Maggot’s films they are an entity of its own as his film are always something different and something you may never see again… I give the truly bizarre feature 2 ½ out of 4 stars.
Beyond the Door III (VHS) – Thought I found another true sequel to a series of films that lack everything in an entertaining horror film and I was right. But the film is also known as “Amok Train”. A young lady named Beverly heads of on a class field trip to Belgrade, Serbia for some weird centuries old ceremony. Once there she is put to sleep while her friends are boarded up and set on fire in these huts. Most escape to get on a train for the next 70 minutes that apparently is possessed and fucks all kinds of shit in front of it and can drive across swamps! Weird unentertaining shit, but it was a sequel and in my DNA I was put on this earth to witness this kind of crap as I give it 1 star.
Cannibals (VHS) – Jess Franco’s 1979 version of a cannibal movie as the film has had several titles: Cannibal Girl and White Cannibal Queen are the popular titles. A family is shipwrecked on an uncharted island that just happens to have cannibals. The tribe eats the mother to death, eats the father’s arm, and takes their little girl to make their own. Many years later the father struggles to put together an expedition together to go find his little girl. Whose now all grown-up, topless, and getting raped by the top warrior of the cannibal tribe. We are talking family entertainment my friends. Somewhat boring but has a few disgusting cannibal moments that will warm a gore hound’s heart. I give the film 2 stars.
Taken 3 (DVD) – Liam Neeson decides it’s time to reboot “The Fugitive” without Tommy Lee Jones but with Forest Whitaker. Somewhat disappointing as I give it 2 stars.
The Hollow (DVD) – Yes, I know I keep finding movies that have this title and if keeping track I believe this is the third or maybe the fourth but anyway it’s about the Headless Horseman of course. Ichabod Crane’s descendent has to save the small town of Sleepy Hollow as the Headless Horseman returns according to Stacey Keach as the caretaker. But Crane’s descendent denies that the legend can be true until he is actually faced with the demon throwing pumpkins at him. The film also has some famous familiar young faces. If possible the film is more like a “Goosebumps” entry into the Headless Horseman lure but a good watch for all horror movie fans as I give it 3 stars.
The Divide (DVD) – This 2011 film stars Michael Biehn as the super of an apartment building that several tenants rush to the basement with Biehn’s character to lock themselves in as nuclear war has broken out and destroyed the world above them. Not long after settling in someone comes knocking on the door and its men in biohazard suits that shoot a couple people and steal the lone child of the group. After that which seemed like an amazing bad ass film becomes a stupid boring useless entry into the nuclear war genre of film. The film either lacked funds or brains behind the project ( I will go with brains) and was most likely the factor the film went unnoticed by many including Hollywood. The film is one of the bigger disappointments in my recent movie watching as I give zero stars for fucking up a good concept!
Pound of Flesh (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme goes to China to donate one of his kidneys to his niece. But the night he gets there he hooks up with an escort and his kidney gets taken. Now it’s a race against time as he must find his kidney so his niece can survive which we also find out is actually his kid because he banged his brother’s wife ten years ago! Completely unrealistic shit that I love seeing JCVD in as I give it 3 stars.
Exists (DVD) – Some twentysomethings take off deep into the woods to their uncle’s remote cabin. Their uncle has not been to the cabin in years because of something he saw. Once there the young-ins has some fun but hear some horrible noises but think nothing of it. But one of them films everything and begins to capture or notices some strange images in the background and believes its Bigfoot. The film dude believes this because the night before their truck hit something and possibly wounded it. But now it’s too late as Bigfoot starts terrorizing them at the cabin and it wants blood! Reminds me a little of “Embedded” and this sasquatch film is so much more interesting than “Willow Creek” as I give it 3 stars.
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