Gross Movie Reviews #364

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Gross Movie Reviews #364

 

By Tim Gross

 

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (VHS) – Christopher Lambert is back in this sequel that lacks the excitement of the first prison outbreak movie. But it does have the cheese quality as this one takes place ten years in the future and he has been caught again and place in a prison in space. Did I mention Pam Grier makes an appearance, she is no Jeffrey Combs in the first flick but it is always cool to see Pam in these types’ cheesy flicks? All Lambert wants to do is escape and get back to his family as I give it 2 stars.

 

Elvira Presents: Dead of Night (VHS) – A Thriller Video Production that has Elvira hosting an anthology film from the late 70s that were all stories based on Richard Matheson works. First one is about time travel, the second is about vampires, and the third story is the creepy one as it’s about a woman who brings her dead kid back to life. The film doesn’t play out like a hardcore horror anthology like a “Creepshow” or “Tales from the Crypt” but more like an “Amazing Stories” episode and still a lot of fun to watch. I give it 3 stars.

 

Teen Alien (VHS) – A low budget film from 1978 that is like a mid-west after school special. In the 50s something landed up at the Old Mill. It has been quiet for 20 years until now when the alien decides to turn itself into a kid and visit the local town’s school population. It finds out his home ‘the old mill’ is about to be used as a ‘spook alley’ for Halloween by some teenagers. Once the kids are inside it slowly terrorizes the kids. Fun crappy 70s cheesy goodness for the soul as I give it 2 stars.

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My Crepitus (VHS) – The independent film is from 2000 and apparently considered the first film of filmmaker Michael Maggot aka Michael Todd Schneider. The film was rereleased in a very limited VHS format under its original title “I Never Left the White Room”. So apparently the VHS I found in my basement is one of its kind (sort of)? But anyway the best way to describe Mr. Maggot’s first feature a slow, bizarre, visually crazy twisted overload of the horror senses. A man named Jeffery has lost his mind and the film takes you down the rabbit hole that is Jeffery’s madness. If there is one thing I have learned watching Mr. Maggot’s films they are an entity of its own as his film are always something different and something you may never see again… I give the truly bizarre feature 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Beyond the Door III (VHS) – Thought I found another true sequel to a series of films that lack everything in an entertaining horror film and I was right. But the film is also known as “Amok Train”. A young lady named Beverly heads of on a class field trip to Belgrade, Serbia for some weird centuries old ceremony. Once there she is put to sleep while her friends are boarded up and set on fire in these huts. Most escape to get on a train for the next 70 minutes that apparently is possessed and fucks all kinds of shit in front of it and can drive across swamps! Weird unentertaining shit, but it was a sequel and in my DNA I was put on this earth to witness this kind of crap as I give it 1 star.

 

Cannibals (VHS) – Jess Franco’s 1979 version of a cannibal movie as the film has had several titles: Cannibal Girl and White Cannibal Queen are the popular titles. A family is shipwrecked on an uncharted island that just happens to have cannibals. The tribe eats the mother to death, eats the father’s arm, and takes their little girl to make their own. Many years later the father struggles to put together an expedition together to go find his little girl. Whose now all grown-up, topless, and getting raped by the top warrior of the cannibal tribe. We are talking family entertainment my friends. Somewhat boring but has a few disgusting cannibal moments that will warm a gore hound’s heart. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Taken 3 (DVD) – Liam Neeson decides it’s time to reboot “The Fugitive” without Tommy Lee Jones but with Forest Whitaker. Somewhat disappointing as I give it 2 stars.

 

The Hollow (DVD) – Yes, I know I keep finding movies that have this title and if keeping track I believe this is the third or maybe the fourth but anyway it’s about the Headless Horseman of course. Ichabod Crane’s descendent has to save the small town of Sleepy Hollow as the Headless Horseman returns according to Stacey Keach as the caretaker. But Crane’s descendent denies that the legend can be true until he is actually faced with the demon throwing pumpkins at him. The film also has some famous familiar young faces. If possible the film is more like a “Goosebumps” entry into the Headless Horseman lure but a good watch for all horror movie fans as I give it 3 stars.

 

The Divide (DVD) – This 2011 film stars Michael Biehn as the super of an apartment building that several tenants rush to the basement with Biehn’s character to lock themselves in as nuclear war has broken out and destroyed the world above them. Not long after settling in someone comes knocking on the door and its men in biohazard suits that shoot a couple people and steal the lone child of the group. After that which seemed like an amazing bad ass film becomes a stupid boring useless entry into the nuclear war genre of film. The film either lacked funds or brains behind the project ( I will go with brains) and was most likely the factor the film went unnoticed by many including Hollywood. The film is one of the bigger disappointments in my recent movie watching as I give zero stars for fucking up a good concept!

 

Pound of Flesh (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme goes to China to donate one of his kidneys to his niece. But the night he gets there he hooks up with an escort and his kidney gets taken. Now it’s a race against time as he must find his kidney so his niece can survive which we also find out is actually his kid because he banged his brother’s wife ten years ago! Completely unrealistic shit that I love seeing JCVD in as I give it 3 stars.

 

Exists (DVD) – Some twentysomethings take off deep into the woods to their uncle’s remote cabin. Their uncle has not been to the cabin in years because of something he saw. Once there the young-ins has some fun but hear some horrible noises but think nothing of it. But one of them films everything and begins to capture or notices some strange images in the background and believes its Bigfoot. The film dude believes this because the night before their truck hit something and possibly wounded it. But now it’s too late as Bigfoot starts terrorizing them at the cabin and it wants blood! Reminds me a little of “Embedded” and this sasquatch film is so much more interesting than “Willow Creek” as I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

Gross Movie Reviews #362

0

Gross Movie Reviews #362

 

By Tim Gross

 

Kenny and Company (DVD-R/YouTube) – So who would of guessed the man that gave us such an evil but bad ass film in “Phantasm” would do a coming of age film in 1976 centered a kid named Kenny and Halloween. We all got start somewhere and Don Coscarelli started with this film. It’s not a horror film at all but more of your typical 70s ‘after school’ special about Kenny and his best friend trying to build a car for soapbox derby, overcome bullying, girls, and having Reggie Bannister as a teacher. The film is a little dated but a lot fun if you were born during the 70s and worth tracking down. I give the film 2 stars.

 

The Magnificent Seven (DVD) – This was one those films that had always been on my list to watch as I am a huge fan of “The Good, the Bad, the Ugly”. Plus, Eli Wallach is a bad ass who bullies a small Mexican village ever year before harvest time. Well, the village has had enough sending the women and small children to live in the shadows as the farmers do the work but send three men out to buy guns. They come across a no bullshit gunslinger played by Yul Brynner. Yul is the man before Clint’s ‘The Man with No Name’ character showed up in 60s spaghetti westerns. Yul decides the poor farmers need help more than he needs money but it just can’t be himself that takes on Eli Wallach and his bandits. All-star cast in Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, and a young Robert Vaughn makes movie just perfect to watch. It is a piece of cinematic history as I give it 4 stars and do yourself a favor of watching it at least once before you die!

 

Deathgasm (OnDemand) – Best movie of 2015 outside of “Mad Max: Fury Road”! We got gore, death metal, demons, and it is made in New Zealand… Perfect! Brodie is a teenager that is screwed since he got sent to live with his aunt and uncle because his mom decided to do drunken sexual favors to a mall Santa! So now living in the middle of ‘Ass Fuck’ nowhere Brodie tries to make friends with the local nerds Dion and Giles and just happens to have a crush on his dickhole cousin David’s girlfriend Medina. Who later on we find out is a pure bad ass. So Brodie scopes out the local record shop and meets Zaak. Immediately they become blood brothers and start a death metal band. The two just happen to stumble upon satanic sheet music in an album protected by a musician named Rikki Daggers. Brodie then figures out how to play the sheet music after getting his ass kick by his cousin and bring forth demons that will put the whole world in darkness. Once it happens and demons take over almost everyone in the nowhere town Brodie must find a way to stop it with help from his friends. Highlights from the film include: the quote “Do Demons recognize Day Light Savings Time”, a fight with demons that involves sex toys, and a music shop psychic. Everyone involved from cast to crew is awesome for putting this film together. The 16 year old metalhead still inside me was ready to throw up the devil horns and start thrashing after this fun 4 star movie.

 

American Ninja 5 (DVD) – Hell yeah I found it folks! David Bradley is the man in this PG-13 rated 1993 direct-to-video film that also stars Pat Morita. Bradley is reluctant to talk about his ninja ways until his girlfriend is kidnapped and taken hallway across the world. So Bradley and a young boy he is stuck with that weekend stowaway on the bad guys’ plane and save his girlfriend. Boring but definitely a possible precursor to “Power Rangers” as there are multiple colored ninjas fighting David Bradley. I give the film 1 star.

 

Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom (DVD-R) – The film is also called “Zombie Doom” but that doesn’t matter as Karl the Butcher returns again in this German produced independent feature. Karl now has a son to help and they live on a small island where they train to be Karl disciples. The cult finds three shipwrecked men who are disposed of quickly by torture and a game of death involving the disciples chasing them on the island. But no fear some random ninjas just happen to be on the island and Dr. Senius has made a shitload of zombies to attack Karl the Butcher and crew. Oh did I mention Karl’s son owns a double barrel shotgun with unlimited bullets. Not as entertaining as the second flick but I still found some humor in this movie existing as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Shark Lake (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren is Clint Gray who gets arrested for selling illegal exotic animals. Five years later, the deputy that arrested him has his daughter and there is a shark or sharks eating the locals. Now, Clint has to protect his daughter from his former employer and must get the deputy to not arrest him while trying to capture or kill the sharks. The effects are just downright horrendous and story seems kind of choppy. But we do get to see Dolph punch a shark in the fucking face so there’s that. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Hollow (DVD) – A great concept about a 100 year Halloween storm and a fire creature but it three whiny sisters that you will want to die in the first five minutes. The whining is non-stop in this “should have been a lot better” Halloween-themed feature. I give the film 1 star.

 

Robocop (DVD/remake) – So I finally sat down to watch Snake-eyes fight crime in the future. It’s a little harsh but come on Hollywood once again remade a violent classic. But I gave it a chance and was not disappointed but if anything this flick would help my argument of just continuing the series and not rebooting it. This time around its 2028 and politicians are fighting over robots being the police force in America even though it has worked so well in other countries. So Michael Keaton and crew agree on making a cyborg to win the people’s vote. This version goes for giving a more non-violent and family man “Robocop” than the original. The film has its moments and was a pleasant surprise how watchable it was but what it misunderstood about the original concept from 1987 is it’s over the top violence but also its cheesy commercials which made the film a classic. What also did not help the reboot of the film was the main villain was killed halfway through the film leaving the new Robocop just tying up loose ends. Now that I have gotten older I have try to give remakes a second watch, a second thought, or just a chance but still doesn’t mean they are good. I am glad I watched it as I give it 2 stars.

 

Night Train of Terror (YouTube) – This 1985 film has been rumored to be two or three films smashed into one… Spookies anyone? But in this film God and Satan ride a train where they discuss three cases and decided who gets who when they are dead. The film is weird, has a lot of Claymation, has Richard Moll, and looks like most of it was shot in 1979. And by the way that weird bootleg Jane Fonda workout music video that was going on in the train didn’t make a lick of sense but I still give the chaos of a film 2 stars. If interested, the film has finally seen the light of day on Blu-ray.

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Slimy Little Bastards (YouTube/DVD) – A cheapie but goodie from independent actor turned independent filmmaker Dave Parker gives us a film about a curator who tries to help a gentleman in need as his van “took a poop’ on him. While the curator looks for a car jack for the gentleman he tells him three stories about rare small creatures he likes to collect: ‘Organic Shit’, ‘Brain Busters’, ‘The Crusties’. If you are a Dustin Wayde Mills fan you will notice a couple familiar faces along with Dustin acting in front of the camera for Mr. Parker. The film is a gooey fantastic entertaining fun ride that doesn’t over stay its welcome in the anthology film world. I believe Mr. Parker did a fine job of giving independent fans something fun to add to their collections as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Plus I couldn’t stop laughing when a character in the last story pointed to a toxic shitfrog and ask “is that a jugaloo?”

 

From Whisper to a Scream (DVD) – One of my favorite filmmakers Jeff Burr got a chance to direct Vincent Price in this anthology that was very early in his career. But also I have always known this film as “The Offspring” with its creepy box art from 1987 of a small creature peeking out of a tear in the picture. Vincent Price plays a librarian who chronicles stories of the small town Oldfield. He begins telling them to a woman posing as a journalist questioning Price’s character on his niece’s execution. First story deals with an old dude having sex with a corpse and surprise comes nine months later. Second story deals with a man who wants immortality after he is brought back to life after being left for dead. Third story is about a freakshow romance that ends in buckets of gore and sadness. And the last story is about the Civil War ending and some Union soldiers having the tables turned on them when they come across some children fending for themselves. A lesser known but a very solid anthology that gets lost in the shuffle when horror fans recall some of their favorites. But believe me with its new release on DVD/Blu-ray many horror fans will be happy and it will make many more with its availability as I give the film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.