Category Archives: Gross Movie Reviews

Gross Movie Reviews #328

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Gross Movie Reviews #328

 

By Tim Gross

 

Night Shift (DVD) – Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton work at the city morgue in this comedy classic about two guys that become pimps. Keaton is the idea man and Winkler is the money guy who even gets the hookers healthcare, 401K, and not beat up until two guys who were cutting in on the action on the last pimp they killed finds out about the city morgue. Great stuff as I give 3 stars.

 

The Salton Sea (DVD) – Val Kilmer stars in this film about two different characters but they are both the same person. Kilmer sees his wife die in a horrible hotel drug bust gone bad while using the bathroom. He becomes another person for over a year and becomes addicted to drugs to find the people who killed her. The film is very weird, odd, interesting, and Vincent D’Onofrio a big time drug dealer who got his nose removed because he did too much “gunk”! Kilmer is brilliant and this is the type of film for you if you are looking for something “off the wall”? I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

The Conjuring (DVD) – James Wan must have been a little tired of the “Paranormal Activity” flicks and reached in his bag of tricks to pull out this 70sish haunted house/ghost flick. Violent, creepy, and based on a true story of a paranormal team named the “Warrens” who apparently were recognized by the Catholic Church and try to help people in the 60s and 70s with their paranormal issues. This story just happen to be the one they did not like talking about for many years as it also haunted them deeply because of the evil they faced. The Warrens come across a family who have become afflicted or cursed by a woman/witch who hung herself declared her soul to Satan many years ago and fucked up shit has happened to people who have lived at the house or near it on a regular basis. So if you are old like me and enjoyed the original “Amityville Horror”? This is right up your alley folks as I give it 3 stars.

 

Zodiac: Signs of the Apocalypse (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Aaron Douglas and many other no names star in this end of the world SyFy Channel flick that is based on the astrological signs and how they coincide with a planet that orbits the sun differently than the other planets we know about. If that doesn’t grab ya, Christopher Lloyd appears in the flick long enough to make you feel you haven’t totally wasted your time watching it. I give the film 1 ½ stars. If bored and a little psychotic like yours truly look for the scene with about 15 minutes left in the film when someone fucked up editing and a Ford Flex racing from a helicopter changes into a Chevy Tahoe and then back to the Ford Flex.

 

The Expendables 3 (Theater) – How to put this simply but this third film showed that “The Expendables” franchise  does have a shelf life and its right at its sell by date. Love the first two films and cannot bad mouth Stallone for trying to give fans something different. But this film centers more on The Expendables team trying to get younger instead of more on the older action stars we all know and love. Mel Gibson plays a great asshole villain and once the film gets past trying to establish the younger people into the film all hell breaks loose for the last 30 minutes to give you one big action orgasm! Will there be a fourth, I doubt it but that doesn’t mean you should write this sequel off as I give it 3 stars and thank you Antonio Banderas for being awesome…

 

Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero (On Demand) – This flick centers around the fat hobbit (Sean Astin) being immune to the flesh eating disease that has scientists baffled and have shut themselves up in a building basement on an island after fat hobbit tries to infect them. This is the type of film that makes me and other horror fans question: Why is there another sequel? How is this a “Cabin Fever” movie? And so on and so on. The movie blows donkey ass but what saves the film is there is just some wicked ass gore effects that need to be seen and seen often! I give the film 1 star but the gore effects 3 ½ stars.

 

Chiller (VHS) – Here’s a TV movie directed by Wes Craven in the early 80s that starred Michael Beck and Jill Schoelen in a flick that will make you think twice about cryogenics. Being frozen for later use was the entire craze in the late 70s and through the 80s and this film poses as a warning if your cryo-tube begins to malfunction, they thaw you out and apparently you no longer have a soul? The dated film is still fun to watch as I give it 2 stars.

 

Zombie Undead (DVD) – A higher end independent zombie film from the UK about someone explodes a dirty bomb in the heart of the city and people become zombies and trapping several people in a nearby hospital (where 85% of the film takes place). The several people of course must stay together to survive or they become munchies for the UK deadheads that roam the halls of the hospital! I give it 1 ½ stars.

Zombie Massacre

Zombie Massacre: Army of the Dead (DVD) – A higher end independent film from Maryland starring Jim Krut as one fucked up privately funded government dude who wants to perform an experiment on a whole town to see if they are able to make the perfect soldier and control it. Problem the town and anyone outside the town knows nothing about it as a couple of college kids stuck in a movie theater may throw off the whole experiment? It has running zombies, slow zombies, and bloodless zombies, next time do some rewrites as it appears you have the budget and the resources to pull off a better product as I give it 1 ½ stars. Wanna see more about the film or other projects the filmmaker behind “Zombie Massacre” has done or will do go check out www.chemicalburn.org . And if you already guessed it: “yes, I bought the film for the mere reason it had massacre in the title.”

 

Thriller: A Cruel Picture (DVD) – The 1973 film is also widely known as “They Call Her One Eye” and has been inspiration for many filmmakers the past decade but can’t be duplicated. A woman who is raped as a young girl is now grown but is mute and goes into town quite often for doctor’s appointments. Innocent and naïve she gets in a car when she misses a bus into town and wakes up beaten up and hooked on heroin and told she will now be a hooker! Not happy with this she takes it out on her first customer and in return she loses an eye and apparently it costs more money to bang a one eyed hooker. Soon she saves her money learns how to race a car, shoot guns, and fight. And that is when this movie just gets downright brutal as she begins gut shooting customers left and right in slow motion with a double barrel shotgun. The movie is absolutely amazing, fucked up, brutal, and not for all movie lovers at the same time. I can see now why this film has such rabid fan base especially when your female lead doesn’t say a damn word through the whole film! I give it 4 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #327

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Gross Movie Reviews #327

 

By Tim Gross

 

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Robert Carradine finds a way to make a mutant barracuda into a military weapon and Sharktopus just happens to thaw out from a glacier for a fight to the death between these titans. Movie has a few unintentional laughs and Robert Carradine plays a complete dick throughout the film which makes it watchable as I give 2 stars.

 

Tales From the Crypt (DVD/You Tube) – Over 40 years later this anthology still lays the ground work for makes a great anthology. The film is based on the dark EC Comics that later became a HBO series and inspired “Creepshow” before it stars the likes of Peter Cushing, Joan Collins, and Ralph Richardson. Some people decide to take a tour of some catacombs and five of them get lost and come upon a man who asks them to sit as he tells those stories of their recent lives. Afterward the five would like out of the mysterious cave but soon understand this is just a gateway to hell for what they have done in their past. It’s creepy and beautiful at the same time and definitely a flick to show horror newbies as its rated PG! I give the classic flick 4 stars.

 

The Woman in Black (DVD) – So it took me a while but I finally sat down to watch Harry Potter in this creepy ghost story from the new Hammer Productions. Harry Potter is widower who just happens to get a job that sends him to a small town that has a legend of ghosts, witches, and where little kids disappear to wrap up an estate. Things are completely weird soon as he sets foot there as the locals don’t want him going to the home and digging up the past. Wonderful story building with some creepy ghosts make this an excellent choice of horror if you are looking for less gory? I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Devil’s Playground (DVD) – A UK zombie flick made a couple years ago where a product makes it past animal trials to human trials and is given to 30000 people. Within two months 29999 become deathly ill, bleed from the eyes, go crazy, then death. But one girl that had the test drug is not phased and a mercenary is hired to find her before this epidemic breaks out as now the test subjects that have died are now becoming acrobatic zombies that jump, somersault, and fly everywhere as they attack their victims. If you can get past some zombies die from a single shot and others die after having full clips shot into their heads you’ll enjoy this flick. This zombie film seems to be more of a bloodier version of “Resident Evil” in some ways as I give it 2 stars.

 

Universal Soldier: The Return (DVD) – Jean-Claude Damme is back with no Dolph Lundgren in this 1998 sequel has Luc Devereux as advisor to the Universal Soldier program. But when the super high tech computer helping Luc and others to control the Universal Soldier program and gets wind of the program being shut down the super computer wants to evolve and takeover humanity. The film also stars Michael Jai White and Bill Goldberg in what sounded good on paper but when it was put to film it just happen to be one of the death nails in Jean-Claude’s Hollywood career for next few years. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

The Golden Child (DVD) – A comedy starring Eddie Murphy in his prime as a man who finds missing children. The rest of the cast is rounded out with other cool veteran actors in Charles Dance, Randell “Tex” Cobb, Victor Wong, James Hong, and even wrestler Tiger Chung Lee! Murphy’s character is approached by a young woman who explains that a special child, ‘the golden child’ has been kidnapped from Tibet and brought to the U.S. and needs to be found before he is sacrificed to a higher power. Eddie isn’t sure about the child and thinks its bullshit until he has some odd dreams, talks to a demon (Charles Dance), and some strange Asian dudes in the words of Eddie Murphy try to kill him any chance they get. So Murphy’s character travels to Tibet to get a special knife to trade for the child from his brother Numpsy! I pretty much laughed my balls off watching this flick as it has a lot of great one-liners like “Commando”. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Riddick (DVD) – Picking up from the lackluster sequel “The Chronicles of Riddick” and surprising me that there would ever be another movie with such an interesting character as Riddick. Riddick is trapped on a planet trying to survive but wants off cause he believes it’s time to go back home. Instead of trying to expand the Riddick universe as they did in the second film they go back to focusing on Riddick and having fun with the character in this sci-fi adventure. Riddick finds a camp with no one at so he hits the distress call and soon many mercenaries show up. Problem is they are too busy fighting over each other as who is going to capture Riddick rather than worrying about why Riddick got them to come there in the first place. Soon a storm is coming and just like “Pitch Black” that is when the film is a lot of fun. Good flick but believe the film before kinda killed any cool stuff this series could have been? But I do hope somewhere along the line Vin Diesel does another one as it can be fun sci-fi horror for all, I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Red 2 (DVD) – Bruce Willis and pals are in trouble again as someone has leaked some information about secret project in Russia in 1979 involving John Moses. The only person that actually knows about what exactly that took place is a man that just so happens to be dead or thought he was dead and now found imprisoned for the past 30 years with only his thoughts of how he is going to get revenge. But the real reason comes to light after he is loose and gets away from Moses is he came up with a bomb that has red mercury which is untraceable. The sequel has its moments but nowhere near as much fun as the first flick as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Stand By Me (DVD/Theater) – Going to see this movie again based on a Stephen King story I forgot how funny and how good this movie is about friends on a journey to see a dead kid. It begins with them wanting to see the dead kid Ray so they become famous in 1959 but once getting there and sharing all the events they had happen to them the kids decided no one should try to get famous off of someone dying the way he did. Four friends who are at the edge of becoming teenagers and about to go into junior high all have great backstories that sucks into their world. They find out from a couple older kids who boosted a car that they know where the missing kid is and they were unsure if they should tell their friends about it. And that is where the four kids’ journey begins… It’s one of those perfect movies you tend to forget all who starred in which nowadays would have had a budget of 250 million because of all the names but also you forget how funny but interesting all the characters in the film are? With that I give it 4 stars and start chanting “Lard ass, Lard ass, Lard ass!” until he starts puking pie all over the place.

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Dead Before Dawn (DVD) – A hilarious zombie film starring Christopher Lloyd who needs his grandson to watch his store “The Occult Barn” so he go receive his lifetime achievement award. Problem is his grandson saw his father die in the store 15 years ago and has been scared shitless of everything since. On a whim he the grandson decides to help out Lloyd’s character and watch the store but everything goes to hell when friends come by and he drops a skull shaped urn that unleashes an evil that turns all the people they look at into zimens! Half zombie, half demon and the people commit suicide first before they change. And if you French kiss a zimen it becomes your slave. Oh one more thing if you do not fix the urn before dawn it will be hell on earth forever. What seems corny and possibly horrible at first glance is actually really good and worth giving a chance as it breathes a little more life into a very saturated zombie genre! I give it 3 ½ stars. And Christopher Lloyd is still one of my favorite actors.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

“The Fall of Tomorrow” book is simply BRILLIANT!

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“The Fall of Tomorrow” book is simply BRILLIANT!

 

Review by Tim Gross

 Fall 2

I don’t get to read too many books because my eyes are usually locked on the latest independent film for review or I am searching through my piles of movies looking for the next zombie flick to watch. But when I do read I like to make sure the book is going to be interesting, something that draws me back to the book since if I’m not watching a shitload of horror movies I am like most people working our fingers to the bone for a paycheck. The book has to be a little different, something off, maybe even a little random and David J. Fairhead’s “The Fall of Tomorrow” has all of that and then some. It’s a little Lovecraft, a little Steve King’s “The Cell” and “The Mist”, and a little of just plain good versus evil!

 

The book is structured in a unique way of people telling their stories of where they came from and how they are going to find this place of light somewhere in Ohio. But the story begins with the earth opening up and literally creatures of unimaginable proportions devouring the population and eventually blackening out the sun till there is maybe two hours of daylight left since they hunt during the night. The book’s main character named Kyle describes the beginnings of what becomes known among the survivors as “The Fall”. Kyle, a man who like all is trying to survive this purge of humanity by demon-like insects that come in all shapes and sizes and have planned this attack for many years. Kyle is able to find a place where the light keeps the demons at bay and is a safe place for survivors. He puts out a radio show, distress call, whatever you want to call it out across the radio airwaves to tell people about the place of “light” and that it is getting bigger. But also he wants the survivors to document and leave notes for others about themselves and their struggles or discoveries of the beasts they are trying survive along the way. Like I said the book is uniquely structure since Kyle is the main character but is only in a couple chapters as each chapter usually follows a different person or group of persons as they document their travel to Ohio.

 

I just love the book because for me it is structured kinda like an anthology and I could visualize the book as a movie as I read every word. But also the descriptions, names, and variety of demons or creatures that are in the book are amazing, frightening, and just plain bad ass! “The Fall of Tomorrow” to me is like David J. Fairhead reached deep into our childhood dreams and memories and brought our nightmares of monsters and demons to life in this absolutely brilliant, bleak, apocalyptic world of survival! And Mr. Fairhead I am thankful for this wonderful book as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. The book can be purchased at www.amazon.com .

http://www.amazon.com/Fall-Tomorrow-David-J-Fairhead/dp/061599038X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407689892&sr=1-1&keywords=the+fall+of+tomorrow

The Fall

Gross Movie Reviews #326

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Gross Movie Reviews #326

 

By Tim Gross

 

Chilling Visions: 5 States of Fear (Chiller Channel/DVD) – Another anthology from the horror channel Chiller that is now trying to not only have its own programming but buying different titles as they grow. First story was “Ego Death” where a man is haunted by a mistake he thought he buried? Second story which I thought was the best one is “Separation” where an old man is being forced from his home by his daughter because he may have memory loss? Great ending… Third story is “Mutilation” where a city couple goes camping on land that is declared a biohazard? It’s gory but you route for the stupid people to have a quick death to move on to the next story. The fourth story is “Extinction” where a young woman comes back from the dead to ask her mother to kill her murderer?  The fifth story is “Loss of Autonomy”. This one wasn’t bad but interesting as a woman who is getting divorced from her husband abuses him after he has a stroke. Anthologies can be tough because it’s hard to keep it going through all the stories so I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Deep in the Darkness (Chiller Channel/DVD) – This is the type of flick that pisses me off because when watching it I really want to like it not wanting the wife to be killed twenty minutes in. But anyway a family moves to a small community where they don’t have cable TV, have a curfew, and just happen to have some cannibalistic creatures hanging out in the woods that eats people who don’t obey the ways of the community. If it is 1976 this movie is relevant, but its 2014 this is not happening people. If it was my movie, wife dies twenty minutes in and my ass goes all “Day of the Dead” on the community and the creatures if I cannot make it out which the town has like one old ass cop… Fuck this flick it can go suck Mothra’s dick! I give it 1 star just because it had Dean Stockwell in it.

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Curtains (Blu-ray) – A long lost early 80s slasher that has been released on DVD in Canada a few years back and seen a horrible rerelease on one of those 6 or 8 packs at Wal-Mart. The film stars John Vernon who is known for his legendary roles in “Animal House” and “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. John Vernon is a director named Jonathan Stryker who is hard man to work with and has asked six actresses out to his home to audition for a legendary role! The six actresses work hard in the sheets or out of them to get the part of a lifetime. Soon they begin to die in great bloody fashion one by one with a storyline that gives you a little twist at the end that makes you wanna pay attention throughout the slasher film. This relatively unknown but considered a cult classic among some horror fans finally gets a proper release that it has always deserved. I say kudos to Synapse Films to possibly doing the best job ever in not only restoring an older horror film that looks absolutely beautiful on the Blu-ray format but also including some of the most interesting extras I have seen on a disc in quite some time. A true fan of the film will gush over the original behind the scenes footage and the new retrospective on the making of “Curtains”. Synapse Films did things with this film I did not think would be possible so with that horror fans you should not run, but rampage your way to www.synapse-films.com and pick up your copy now! I give 3 out of 4 stars for the film but 4 out of 4 stars for the overall packaging and release Synapse gives to us fans. Don May Jr. and all involved I applaud you.

 

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator (VHS) – Fuck yeah this horrible flick exists and if you are lucky you can watch it in all its horrible glory on YouTube! I give it 2 stars for just existing…

 

Endless Descent (VHS) – With “Leviathan” and “Deep Star Six” released around 1990 it’s no wonder that most horror fans didn’t know this straight-to-video release existed? But with its limited budget this sci-fi horror flick is a very watchable film about a submarine and its crew trying to find answers about another experimental submarine disappearing at the bottom of the ocean? I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Alien 2: Sulla Terra (VHS) – I live to abuse myself with horrible horror flicks as I found this Eye-talian “Alien” rip-off, sort of… Some so called geologists or whatever goes down into some caves only to be stalked by some weird creature that is eating them and times looks like a weird vagina eating people! You go watch this shit if you don’t believe me as I give it 1 star.

 

The Devil’s Rain (DVD) – This TBS Superstation classic proved why you don’t fuck with Ernest Borgnine as he is a leader of Satanists for the past 300 years or so who live in a ghost town and like to suck souls out of people that don’t believe. This 1975 classic had it all. William Shatner getting tortured, Tom Skeritt pissed because the locals refuse to help, and a young John Travolta! I hate to tell today’s filmmakers this Satanist flick kicks your PG-13 shit right in the fucking nutsack and makes you get on your knees to praise Ernest Borgnine  as one bad ass devil worshipper. Give the flick 3 ½ stars and hail Satan!

 

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (DVD) – It may star Debbie Gibson, Elisabeth Rohm, and that “Stargate” TV dude in this disappointing mutant animal mash-up. Mega Shark is loose and threatens humanity so the military builds a mechanical shark to fight back before Mega Shark eats everything. This movie seems boring and uninteresting unlike the many that have come before it like it is missing something like a Vernon Wells or a Corin Nemac? I would stare clear of this flick and stick with some of the past Asylum Entertainment mash-ups as I give this flick 1 star.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy (Theater) – If anything this film proves Marvel can do anything at this point. After a kid is abducted when he was twelve and he becomes a ‘Ravager’ which retrieves things legally and illegally for a price. Now as an adult or Starlord he enjoys being known as is asked to retrieve a rock that just so happens to have an ancient power source that could destroy planets. Soon in a space prison with a talking tree, a green woman assassin, a talking mutant raccoon, and a muscle bound lunatic they make a plan to break out of the space prison and go find this stone to get paid. If they can work together long enough they may just save worlds. Like I said, Marvel can do anything now and this film proves it as this isn’t your run of the mill comic book characters everyone knows. The “Guardians of the Galaxy” universe is lesser known to the mainstream but has a huge rabid following among comic book readers for years. James Gunn and company have made a Marvel movie that may appeal to all audiences as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Sharknado 2: The Second One (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Ian Ziering and Tara Reid travel to New York for family time and a book signing only to be followed by a couple “Sharknados”. Movie loses a little of its cheese the first flick had and gains a crap load of cameos that if you blink you may miss one of them? This time around Ian’s character is faced with even a bigger challenge: double the amount of “Sharknados” and Tara Reid missing a hand it doesn’t stop him from chainsawing up a few sharks and almost blowing up entire building to stop the catastrophic event! I will say this with a third film in development they may have to have alien sharks or have it set in space as you watch this sequel the bad idea but fun to watch is coming to an end. I give this fun cameo-filled sequel 2 ½ stars and pray we get Sharknado vs. Leprechaun vs. Jason X on Earth 2!!! Oh yeah I went there…

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews#325

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Gross Movie Reviews #325

By Tim Gross

 

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Uwe Boll uses his endless supply of money to make another sequel to a film that no one cared about in the first place. But hey, don’t let the little things like that stop you as Dominic Purcell star in this new fantasy adventure. Purcell’s character is a hitman who is sucked into a different time/dimension of fantasy when he takes an amulet from a girl he kidnapped that just happens to match the tattoo on his wrist. Dragons, a prophet, hot warrior women, and Purcell’s character learns a life lesson before he is sent back to the future. I give it 1 ½ stars. Mr. Boll I personally would like more monster movies or horror movies since you have this endless supply of funds?

 

You’re Next (DVD) – A film that starts off innocent but soon becomes a film in the same vein as a “Funny Games”, “Strangers”, etc., you get the picture. A family who is not super rich but let’s says well off is getting together for their parents’ anniversary. The kids/adults are all older but still have sibling rivalry. But during dinner they get attack by a person or persons with arrows being shot through the windows. The movie then evolves into the family trying to survive an onslaught from unseen murder/ murderers or are they in this bloody fun film. Barbara Crampton stars which is always a plus and the only flaw of the film is you see the ending coming about ten minutes in but has its gory moments that make you happy you checked the flick out. I give it 3 stars.

 

WNUF Halloween Special (DVD) – A found footage film released by Camp Motion Pictures recently that tries to do something different with the same old concept of found footage. The film is a fake Halloween special with a séance about to happen in a haunted house in small town America. The found footage is a news broadcast that leads into the special that is on a public access channel and made to look grainy and crappy like a VHS tape would look like today if played when it recorded this special in the late 80s. The flick gets annoying quickly but what saves and makes this watchable is the commercials as they are all fake commercials that were made to fit the time frame when the special would have taken place? And for me that was a treat because I grew up watching a lot of bad cable TV and remember the bad computer repair, College Tech, love chat lines, and other bad commercials that were a product of that time. I give the film special a ½ star but the commercials 3 stars and applaud their efforts for making them.

 

Robot Ninja (VHS) – In the age of weird, horrible, obscure low budget VHS movies getting legit releases and special VHS/DVD combo releases I am very surprised there is never been any news on this relatively lesser known gory comic bookish horror film. J. R. Bookwalter’s second feature was made in four months and $15,000, a lot less than his first feature “The Dead Next Door”. The film revolves around comic book artist Lenny who is upset with his agent selling the rights of the comic to NBC for a weekly series and is now being pressured by his boss to start making the comic book more like the weekly series. This makes Lenny go over the edge and become the real life Robot Ninja after he tries to stop three individuals from raping a couple on the edge of a freeway. He has the costume made; he is taking a massive amount of drugs, it’s time for Lenny/Robot Ninja to take to the streets looking for revenge! The film is a disgustingly fun time for J.R.’s second effort. I give the movie 2 ½ stars. The film also boasts appearances from Linnea Quigley, Burt Ward, and Scott Spiegel. I remember first seeing the film in 1990 when I helped a video store order it out of the Cinema Home Video catalog.

 

Boggy Creek (DVD) – First off I tried tracking down info on this Sasquatch film to see if it was a remake or even any relation to the films of same name but I came up empty. So, the filmmakers are that good making sure there wasn’t any info linking this low budget flick and the originals or everyone doesn’t give a fuck that it was a remake? So anyway we have swamp sasquatches that have been killing males and breeding with females for about 40 years or so in the swamp and the sasquatches like eating humans. I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

mediatrix

Mediatrix (DVD) – Cory J. Udler is a filmmaker that gave us the great trilogy of “Incest Death Squad” which I highly recommend. This time around he doesn’t go too far from keeping Christianity into his storyline as a woman of the name Mary Ann Van Hook is or was a fake medium (long story). As a child she could see things but now as an adult she is busy collecting money from the local men who want to bang her in the ass! Then as a child people from all around the world would come to visit her who believed in her holy visions but it was ruined by a man of the clergy and his unspeakable unchristian-like acts. Miss Van Hook who is hooked on drugs, alcohol, and prostitution has a plan for a local woman named Carrie Brackett who still believes in Miss Hook’s powers. Miss Hook just needs to clean herself up enough to make the plan work and knows Carrie doesn’t know about Hook’s past with her husband. It is brutal, disgusting, and just so much fun to watch what Miss Van Hook will make people believe next in this tale of some people will believe anything. Thanks again Cory for a film like no other as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. You can find the film at www.incestdeathsquad.com .

 

Netherworld (DVD) – David Schmoeller directs this Full Moon film from the early days of Full Moon that I swore off after seeing it when I was in high school. So I thought it was time to give it a second chance after 20 years to see if it was still as bad as I thought it was? A man named Corey Thornton inherits an estate from a father he never knew that is in the heart of the bayou where black magic thrives, Cory’s dead father asks to be brought back from the dead, and a lot of sex stuff happens! If that wasn’t enough a witch of sorts has power of a cement hand or ‘hand of Satan’ to kill people. Surprisingly enough I made it through and thought it was better than “Demonic Toys vs. Dollman”. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Spiders (DVD) – The government and NASA are screwing around with genetically mutated spider that just happens to crash land back on earth after an experiment goes wrong. The military shows up to gather the wreckage and bodies and doesn’t know about the three young reporters who stumble upon the crash thinking aliens who hide in a truck to find out the real story. Soon spiders begin to fuck people up in an underground facility. The creature effects were done by KNB! Fun throwback flick to the sci-fi 50s as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Psycho II (DVD) – Possibly one of the most underrated sequels of all time as Anthony Perkins reprises his role as Norman Bates. Tom Holland the writer crafted an amazing story of bringing this legendary character back to the big screen. The movie now over 30 years old and still hasn’t lost its touch as Norman has been released from the criminally insane after 22 years. He returns to his home and motel with his doctor knowing he must face his fears of what happen so many years ago. Norman is older, wiser, and just wants to adjust to life in the real world again and even has a job at the local diner down the road. But soon Norman begins hearing his mother’s voice and seems to be receiving notes from her and tries to believe she is dead but some in the area still have the events of 1960 fresh in their mind and want Norman to be locked up again. Authorities keep an eye on Norman as people begin to disappear and the Bates Motel reopens under Norman’s management. The clever writing makes this film work on so many levels and Anthony Perkins lets the uncomfortable, awkward, easily excited psycho Norman Bates personality out as this movie proves he was perfect for the role. As Robert Englund for Freddy and Kane Hodder for Jason, some people are just meant to be and Mr. Perkins made the Norman Bates character so scary without effort. Do yourself a favor and rewatch this this classic sequel that I still believe doesn’t get the love it deserves as I give it 4 stars. And be sure you pay attention as there is a funny line in the film when Norman says with his straight demeanor, “I do not kill people anymore”.

 

Psycho III (DVD) – Two years go by and another sequel is born this time directed by Anthony Perkins himself as the movie picks right up from the end of part two but eventually falls apart in the end. Norman Bates still adjusting to his new life but has accepted his mother will always be with him hires a new assistant manager in Jeff Fahey and has a new tenant named Maureen. A blond that he soon lets his desire out to kill but instead saves her when he finds her trying to commit suicide in room #1 where it all began so many years ago. Norman tries to keep the inner psycho locked inside of him and tries to have a relationship with Maureen but he eventually goes mad and begins to kill again. As Norman does say “Everyone goes a little mad every once in a while”. The movie is fun and you cannot get enough of Anthony Perkins but the film seems to fall apart or doesn’t stay strong as part two in the last ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Psycho IV: The Beginning (DVD) – Henry Thomas plays a young Norman Bates in this film where Norman Bates now trying to live a normal life away from the Bates Motel calls into a radio station to talk about mother killers. Norman tells the story of what led up to him killing his mother and why he had to keep her corpse. It may have not been the ideal finale we wanted but it is a worthy one as Anthony Perkins returns, CCH Pounder is the disc jockey Norman tells the story too, Olivia Hussey plays Norman’s mother, Mick Garris directs and John Landis is the producer of the station. I just believe Anthony Perkins knew he didn’t have much more time on this earth and wanted to give fans a film that explains the Norman character in-depth but also tie it all up. I give the film 2 ½ stars.

 

Battle of the Damned (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Dolph Lundgren is a former special forces officer who is sent into a quarantined zone in Southeast Asia where a whole city has been shut down because of a zombie outbreak. He goes in with his team to find a daughter of a CEO whose company made the viral outbreak possible. Lundgren, zombies, and robots pretty much tell you everything you need to know as the only thing that would have made the film better was a bigger budget as I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #324

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Gross Movie Reviews #324

 

By Tim Gross

 Hack

Hack – O – Lantern (VHS) – The lesser known 80s horror film is best known under its title “Halloween Night”. The film directed by Jag Mundhra which I had to watch the movie for the mere reason he has “Jag” as a name. Can’t help it, it’s a Pittsburgh thing. But anyway Jag directs a film about satanic grandpa who has special plans for his grandson or son? When you watch the flick you’ll understand. Gramps has a satanic cult going and he is shaping his grandson/son into the next leader of this evil cult. Problem is Tommy isn’t following Grandpa’s lead. The film is a lot of fun as we got incest, butt tattoos, a Dead End Drive-in poster, a horrible party band, and possible sacrifices! Sounds like a classic Halloween horror film worth watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Snakehead Swamp (SyFy Channel/DVD) – God damn experimental snakeheads find their way into the Louisiana swamp and they are eating all the locals. But one man believes it’s a legendary curse from a relative that was wrongly murdered 200 years ago who is angry and seeking revenge on those who live there. “Snakehead Terror” was more fun and SyFy Channel seems hell bent on going to the well one too many times on these types of films. SyFy, they all cannot be “Frankenfish”! I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Eye of the Tiger (DVD) – Its 1986 and Gary Busey hasn’t fought Mel Gibson and the great “end of the film fight” scene yet and hasn’t fucked himself up so bad with drugs he has become a running joke? Busey’s character is a man who just got released from jail after serving a few years and just wants to go back home and start all over with his kid and wife. Well, a motorcycle gang led by William Smith has other plans. Best way to describe this flick with legendary actor Yaphet Kotto is calling it an extended episode of “A-Team” starring Gary Busey! I give the film 3 stars.

 

The Lego Movie (DVD) – “Everything is awesome!!!” That pretty much explains the whole film and that song will get stuck in your head for days. The film is a great mix of comedy, drama, and family entertainment. I was surprised how good this movie was and is for anyone 2 years old or 200… Also you might end up wanting to bust out your old Legos too after watching this flick as I give it 4 stars.

Mega Scorpions (Full Moon Streaming) – J.R. Bookwalter decided in 2003 to put together a giant bug film starring the wonderful Trent Haaga, the beautiful Brinke Stevens, independent vet Jeff Dylan Graham, and before porn career Sunny Leone. Most likely because he had seen the popularity of it on SyFy Channel but because of a deal Full Moon had with another studio the film wasn’t released until late last year. Six foot scorpions fucking people’s days up… Yep, I’ll watch that! I give it 2 stars. And once again Trent Haaga was AWESOME!

 

Watchers 3 (VHS) – “I got it on the VH”, had to say it just for my mom! This is the Wings Hauser film that I get confused with “Xtro 3: Watch the Skies”. But anyway Roger Corman’s company takes a shot this time around of bringing Dean Koontz’s famous novel “Watchers” to the silver screen by making it a no budget remake of “Predator”. Not as exciting as Carl Weathers losing an arm to an invisible alien hunter but I do love me some Wings Hauser playing fetch with a golden retriever! And for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Insecticidal (DVD) – The movie’s tagline was ‘Sorority Girls vs Giant Bugs’… SOLD! An awesomely horrible film has a young lady named Scary Cami who is doing research and experiments on her pet bugs in the basement of her sorority. One escapes and scares a couple who is bumping uglies upstairs and forces her sorority sisters to spray them with insecticide! This later has an adverse effect as the zombie bugs soon begin to grow six to eight foot tall and have a hunger for stupid naked college girls. The movie is bad, real bad. But in how bad the effects and dialogue is at times I began to find it entertaining like it was filmed this way on purpose knowing that I would be watching it? So you like bad giant bug movies? Get the beer; get the pizza, because I will be coming to your house to watch this classic again! I give it 3 stars for this horrible yet entertaining horror film!

 

Snow Piercer (DVD) – Humans fuck up the future again in this brilliant post-apocalyptic action film that seems to have some star power names in front and behind the camera. 2014 many countries shoot up in the air this experimental gas or what not called CW-7 that is supposed to slow or stop global warming. Instead, it sends the world into the next ice age within days. Well, with a railroad that is connected completely around the globe two men invent a train that never stops as it protects what’s left of humanity. 17 years has past now and the train is still chugging along difference is the people at the back of the train are tired of being prisoners of the rich at the head of the train. And there is an order that must be kept or the train could go in chaos causing humanity to die off. So it soon becomes a story of one man and his idea of making it to the head of the train everyone will be equal. A lot of social issues, a lot of gore, and an amazing story make this one of the best films of 2014 that will not make the theaters for most. I give the film 4 stars even though I am not sure I like the ending?

 

Lockout (DVD) – An updated version of Christopher Lambert’s “Fortress” in many ways stars Guy Pearce as a convict who is asked to break into a space prison to save the president’s daughter Maggie Grace. Great blend of sci-fi, action and the old school one man will defeat 500 stories that never get old! Really enjoyed this flick but seeing Maggie Grace in this flick makes me really respect her film career since she was on “Lost” TV series as keeps picking these great action films. I give the film 3 stars.

Flu

Flu (DVD) – An amazing recent Korean film that tackles social issues when a horrible superbug or superstrain of Avian Flu arrives when human traffickers open a shipping container that is supposed to have a bunch of people that paid to be in Korea instead are all horribly dead except for one man who escapes. Soon between the escapee and the human traffickers the super flu is being spread throughout the suburb city of Seoul and with no cure Seoul, Korea is next and the world after. Doctors and foreign leaders struggle to come up with a plan of action until a cure is found. A very dramatic and social commentary on how the government treats people no matter what part of the world you live in. The film is dubbed for those of you who hate reading movies… Kyle Poling! The amount of cool gore shots is underrated also. I give this Korean flick 4 star.

 

Wolf Creek (DVD) – Since I was going to watch the new sequel it was time to give this Australian torture flick another chance as it came out in the mid-2000s with a slew of other torture flicks that for me isn’t always my cup of tea or beer. Three friends venture off to Wolf Creek Crater in the middle of nowhere to enjoy the sights but get a whole lot more when their vehicle refuses to start. The three friends soon meet a man named Mic Taylor who helps them out and takes him back to his camp/home. Soon the friends wake up to a man who wants to torture and kill them. The movie takes a long while to get going as it lays the story for you to sympathize with the characters like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I don’t hate it, don’t like it but it is Australian and glad I gave it another chance as I give it 2 stars.

 

Wolf Creek 2 (On Demand) – Surprised it took how many years later for a sequel but there is one and if you are a fan of the first you will like the second film as it starts out just like the first film. The first half of the film is all set-up like the first film but takes a very different but fun turn as it goes the direction of 1986’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” where it changes from just being another torture film to a complete fun chaotic ride into horror! The film dives knee deep in gore and character development of the cannibalistic bushman Mic Taylor. At first I wasn’t liking the sequel but as the film got going in the second half it made appreciate staying patient and enjoying this fun horror mess of a film. I give one of the best horror films of 2014, 3 ½ stars and hope there will be another sequel.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #323

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Gross Movie Reviews #323

 

By Tim Gross

 

Syndrome (YouTube/DVD) – A short independent film written and directed by a cool young filmmaker Tim Novotny and it stars filmmaker Jim Roberts as the lead character (Nate). Nate is back from the war, depressed, crippled, you get the drift. Nate’s world is over but you as the viewer must decide is he dreaming? Already dead? Or is he a ghost now watching from afar? A cool short film that can make you think as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Kids

Kids Get Dead 2: The Kids Get Deader (Vimeo/DVD) – You know me I will watch sequels… Especially when I haven’t seen the first film! But Darkstar Entertainment has just released Michael Hall’s independent slasher sequel. Casey survived the first film and suffers like most “survivor girl” syndrome. She wants answers why? Who was trying to kill her and friends? And so on… But makes this slasher different is Casey learns of author Charles Carver. An author whose books that he writes comes true just like what happen to her before so Casey goes looking for Mr. Carver for answers. Soon the masked killer is back on his killing spree again and Casey soon finds herself with more questions than answers and is unsure if Carver’s killer can be killed? I have to give it to filmmaker Michael Hall intentional or not the film has a little “In the Mouth of Madness”, a little “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare”, and a dash of a supernatural horror film that adds up to not being just your typical straight up slasher flick. I enjoyed the little twist, the gore looked cool, the usual slasher film amount of boobs make this an interesting watch for slasher fans as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about it at www.darkstarentertainment.net .

 

Dragonslayer (DVD) – Its 1981 and it’s like a live action version of a Dungeons and Dragons story has come to life! And what makes this flick still cool to talk about is that after 30 years or so it still holds up as a great fantasy film. Virgins, dragons, sacrifices, I’m sold! Do yourself a favor and revisit this early 80s flick as I give it 3 ½ stars.

House

House of Oddities: The Story of the Atrocity Exhibition (Vimeo/DVD) – An amazing documentary that takes you on the journey of how a local Atrocity Exhibition got started and how some very different and passionate people make it happen. Independent filmmaker Brian Cottington lends his talents in filming this small group of artists that want to entertain people whether through art, theater, dance, etc. And give the mainstream something that isn’t looked at as your typical sideshow or freakshow but true art or freedom of expression. Cottington gives you an inside look of how a small group of artists came together from many walks of life and put together a show that not only has a loyal following but grows by the minute. A show that is very different from anything you have seen before and to keep people in attendance guessing they change the show every year. I believe this is a perfect documentary filmed by Brian Cottington for the mere fact this isn’t something I am into but after watching this has my full respect for what they do. Oddities they are not, artists they are and I am grateful for that and the people who were apart of this documentary. I give this wonderful film 4 out of 4 stars and can be seeked out at www.houseofodditiesmovie.com .

drybonesposter

Dry Bones (DVD) – Anytime a cool independent filmmaker such as Gregory Lamberson contacts you about a new flick you take notice… Especially when he was the dude that gave us the beautiful slime/gorefest “Slime City Massacre”! So when I got this screener I could not wait to sit down and watch a film that stars Debbie Rochon and Kevin Van Hat Trick aka Duane Smith aka just go watch “Basket Case” if you are not a nerd like I am. But anyway Lamberson’s latest is about a boy named Andrew who has a monster living under his bed and so frighten he is unsure that he can ever sleep again. Or it can be he is holding a piece of history in his hands (Fangoria #1, Godzilla cover) and knows how much it is worth? But anyway his dad (Bart) comes barging in because he cannot hear “Charlie’s Angels” and wants to put a beating upon Andrew but soon finds himself face to face with the hideous monster living under Andrew’s bed. Many years go by and Andrew now Drew has returned to town for the first time in years because his sister wants to sell their parents’ house. With nowhere to stay and needing to make repairs to the house before its sold Drew decides to move back to his original home thinking the monster is in his past. Drew was wrong! Soon Drew has strange dreams, all who enter are dying in a horrible manner, and the neighbors believe the home is haunted. A great independent horror film with cool practical monster effects and one of the best actresses ever as a Succubus… I want a sequel and I want Debbie Rochon in even more monster make-up because she makes it look so fun and awesome! All I got to say horror fans thank god for filmmakers like Gregory Lamberson as I give his new flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

After Dusk They Come (DVD) – Some rich people get shipwrecked on an island that just happens to have the offspring of Sasquatch and the cave creatures from “The Descent”. It’s worth wasting 80 or so minutes on as I give it 2 stars.

 

Things (DVD) – Possibly the most bizarre film I ever had the pleasure of watching. And that is saying a lot my friends. “Donnie Darko”… poop on you! “Fight Club”… go fuck yourself! “Eraserhead”… I’m still not sure? Just when I thought I seen all the warped mindfuck movies out there I come across Andrew Jordan’s ultra-fucking-weird no budget independent horror film that was shot on Super-8 in Canada and dubbed. Got your attention so far? Two friends go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere that just happens to be one of the fellows’ brother’s cabin. And his brother just had a weird dream about a naked woman in a basement with their monster baby and wakes up to his wife getting very sick. While the two dudes steal beer from the fridge Doug’s wife dies from a creature bursting out of her stomach that was an experiment from Dr. Lucas and now is multiplying throughout the house. Between the rambling nonsense called dialogue is a battle between these odd creatures and man in the ultimate bloodbath called, ‘survival’. And that is from what I can understand from watching this flick. I give this most bizarre flick 3 out of 4 stars for the mere fact I have never been so happy to own a movie!

 

Perished (YouTube) – A short film from SAR Films in the UK that is about a man who must decide suicide or figure out a way to outwit zombies that have him trapped inside a house. I give the flick 3 stars and really enjoyed the ending.

 

Halloween 2: H2 (DVD/remake) – Believe me if you ever talked to me about the first flick or read my review you understand why it took me so long to get over my anger to give this film a chance. And by the way I am still a little angry but I felt it enough time had pass to see what Rob Zombie did with the sequel and maybe figure out he doesn’t want a third film? The film begins in the hospital just like the original with Laurie and Annie in really bad shape. Laurie so worried about Annie goes to visit but of course Michael Myers is back to finish what he had started. Laurie wakes up in bed almost a year later living with Annie and Sheriff Brackett scarred, terrified, and dysfunctional. Meanwhile, Michael Myers has disappeared from the wrecked morgue van and hasn’t been seen. But Michael is seeing his dead mother and is told it is time to return to Haddonfield while Dr. Loomis is more of an asshole than the first film as he has written his next book all about the events of last Halloween. I enjoyed that Rob Zombie kept the characters evolving from the first film whether people liked it or not and paid homage to the original second film with the hospital scene. This movie has a grimier and gritty feel to it that the first film didn’t have and the gore keeps flowing. But also at the same time giving the drive to why Michael does what he does and why Laurie/Boo is so fucking screwed up. Am I happy there was a sequel let alone a remake, “HELL NO!” Did I get off my high horse and give this film a chance and glad I did, “YES I AM!” This sequel isn’t a horrible film and worth a watch if you are a hardcore fan of the original like me? It may have took two films for Rob Zombie to give us his full vision of Michael Myers good or bad but after watching this film and “Lords of Salem” I am grateful for Rob Zombie haunting Hollywood whether I agree or disagree with his movie choices and with that I give this film 2 stars.

 

Tony: London Serial Killer (DVD) – I haven’t seen a movie so boring since I pushed myself through the horrible feature “The Zombie Chronicles… in 3-D”. Next time I see this title come up I will just punch myself in the face and feel better that I did. I give it nothing as you should avoid it like the plague.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #322

0
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Gross Movie Reviews #322

 

By Tim Gross

 

Class of 1984 (VHS) – Its Lincoln High and all the students seem to be violent, carrying guns, drugs, etc. Teachers are at the point they just try to get through the day without being stabbed or what not. So when Perry King a new teacher from Nebraska arrives he is in for a culture shock as all he wants to do is teach music to teenagers. In order to restore order teachers Perry King and Roddy McDowall must take on a certain gang that rules the school. This movie inspired a slew of 80s teacher/gang/school violence related films including the same director doing “Class of 1999”. Great film just because of legendary actor Roddy McDowall but also has budding star Michael J. Fox as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Don’t Go In The Woods (DVD) – I was surprised to learn that Vincent D’Onofrio decided to do a horror film that went to the Tribeca Film Festival no less. But that is where the interesting part ends as a young band goes into the woods to write and record songs without booze, sex, and drugs. For me the movie never seems to get going and when it finally does more than halfway through the film I disinterested someone decided to kill these unlikable characters that are trying to record music. I might revisited this film again in a year or two just to see if I feel the same way but until then I give the film 1 star.

 

Pontypool (DVD) – An oddity of a film that stars great character actor Stephen McHattie as an over the top DJ who is working at a less than high profile radio station in Canada when some strange events break out in Ontario. While on air he tries to report about the chaos that is consuming people and buildings. Soon he gets reports that a virus is spreading through the English language causing people to lose their mind and attack others. There is a couple other films with the same concept and do it well also but this film just has such a curious, odd feel to it that I cannot classify it as a zombie film but believe it is a must watch for any horror fan looking for that different kind of horror film! I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

Jack Reacher (DVD) – A Tom Cruise flick that was shot in my hometown Pittsburgh, Pa. The film was originally called, “One Shot” but title like most quickly changed once filming wrapped up. But wait Tim Gross is watching another Tom Cruise flick. Heard great things about the film so I figured I would force myself to sit long enough to give it a chance… And I was not disappointed. Someone guns down five people in front of PNC Park that seems like random crazy violence only to frame a half ass sniper from the military. Once in questioning the only thing the man says after 16 hours to the police is “Jack Reacher”. Jack Reacher is a former MP who was great at his job and seems to be a ghost as he went off the grid a few years ago. Once the story goes national Reacher arrives in Pittsburgh to have a conversation with the man’s lawyer and do his own investigation which uncovers a much bigger plot. The film is awesomely written and Tom Cruise plays the part of Jack Reacher perfectly. It’s a kick ass action flick I did not expect and with this latest project Cruise is beginning to restore my faith in him as an actor but also his projects. Do yourself a favor and check out this cool flick if you haven’t seen it. But what’s even cooler is that they used all of Pittsburgh so well and really thought they did a great job of using the extras in the flick and making them true Pittsburghers except none said “Yinz”! I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

The Bunnyman Massacre (DVD/Chiller TV) – Once I found out this was a sequel and had massacre in the title you knew my ass couldn’t stay away. One problem, it was a sequel to the lackluster film “Bunnyman” about a serial killer in a bunny suit. Sounds like it should be fucking awesome but gives you a headache instead just thinking about it. So somebody thought it would be good to continue it… bad move filmmaker. The film opens up with the killer in a bunny suit trying to kill a whole school bus of children which looked like total ass! And that is being kind to it. But from there the story revolves around the killer hanging out on a farm where some hick understands what the killer is and takes care of him while he turns the local police into beef jerky. Once they target some hikers in the woods as their next victims you know where the film goes from there. I could spend days on what is wrong with this film besides it giving me an upsetting headache but just do me a favor and do not do a third film and move on to a different project. Another thing that really bothered me was the computerized blood that hits the camera during murder scenes, STOP IT NOW! It looks like shit and can be utterly insulting, now saying that this isn’t the only film that has done it. There have been several low budget projects in the past year or two that have thought this is a good idea? YOU WERE WRONG! Personally I believe with the title and a killer in a bunny suit I believe you should have taken full advantage of making it more of a holiday slasher film… We need more holiday horror again, but hey that is just me. Moving on I give the flick a ½ star out of 4. If by some chance you are curious seeing it you can find it at www.midnightreleasing.com .

Cap Z

Captain Z & The Terror of Leviathan (DVD/You Tube) – Indy filmmaker/writer Steve Rudzinski is back at again with another project as he is one of the hardest working filmmakers out there that you the viewer should pay attention too! (Robert Elkins and Dustin Wayde Mills just to mention a couple others) Steve chooses to go away from his last kid-friendly film “Super Task Force One” to give us a time traveling pirate film. It’s 1714 Riverwood where a bad ass pirate is fighting a cult of demons who are trying to bring some evil through a portal of some kind only to screw up the ritual and they all time travel to 2014 where in Riverwood, Ohio where Captain Z and his adventures is stuff of legend and celebrated every year. Once in the present Captain Z and the demons must adjust to 300 years into the future and do it quickly as they search for the amulet that could sway the struggle between and good and evil either way. But with some help from the very funny character Professor Glen Stewart supernatural expert and volunteers from the local museum, Captain Z finds and tries to protect the amulet from the demons new forms that are some inbred fishing rednecks that want to see their sister/daughter naked. Captain Z even finds time to learn how to drive, find a winch, and find his treasure in this amazing and incredibly crafted offbeat independent feature. Movie fans I am here to say Steve Rudzinski is starting to hit his stride as a writer, director, and an actor. If you have paid attention at all to his career the biggest payoff might be Steve’s ability to grow as an actor and his ability to learn from past projects as a director. Steve proves you don’t have to stick with one genre as an independent filmmaker and for that I am grateful. Oh by the way yinz will love the chainsaw scene!!! I give this hilarious flick 3 out of 4 stars and warn readers now start paying attention to Steve Rudzinski now, you’ll thank me later! Now go buy his film: http://captainz.moonfruit.com/buy-the-movie/4582618664

 

Death Row Diner (VHS) – A funny SOV horror flick from 1988 that stars Michelle Bauer as a granddaughter of a movie executive (Otis) that was framed for murder in 1948 and sent to death in “The Big House”. Now 40 years later, she is producing a flick with her despicable husband in the same place. An undead Otis returns hungry and is pissed off so he is murdering all involved with the project. The movie is a funny horrible reminder of what low budget filmmaking was like in the 80s. Hell, we even get a bad Elvis impersonator who works for Celebrity Catering. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #321

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Gross Movie Reviews #321

 

By Tim Gross

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Class of 1999 (DVD) – It’s the future and schools have gone to hell… Remember the film was released in 1990. But imagine “Escape from New York” at a school and its surrounding community. Gangs have taken over everything and the school system is looking for answers in what to do and Bob Forest played by Stacey Keach is here to give an answer. He introduces the principal (Malcolm McDowell) of this high school to three new teachers played by Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, and John P. Ryan and they just happen to be androids! Androids built for the ten year war in South America and funded by the Department of Defense. Meanwhile, Cody has just been released from prison and just wants his old gang to leave him alone so he can attend class and not do hard time. Soon Cody’s curiosity gets the best of him when one of the teachers kills a student when a gun is pulled. He learns they are androids and they are beginning to do what they were built for and that is to kill in this awesome Sci-fi action/horror flick. I give this cool film 3 ½ stars.

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Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (VHS) – The film picks up right after the events of the first film but the sequel wasn’t released until 1994. A man who looks like a private investigator is looking into the events of the first film and believes Bob Forest had a ‘Plan B’ if the first three androids failed? The private investigator is actually some dude that was thrown out of the Department of Defense but doesn’t know what the android looks like but is following the dead body trail. So when a stiff, tall, blonde dude shows up at a high school that is having gang related issues and students begin to mysteriously die the investigator looks into it. The sequel isn’t nearly as fun as the first mainly because the cast and the lack of budget compared to the first film as I have to give this flick 1 ½ stars just for Nick Cassavettes being in the flick!

 

Meateaters (Full Moon Streaming) – Its Mark Polonia’s latest independent flick with Brett Piper back doing dinosaur/creature effects. A dinosaur seems to be stalking the woods for humans to eat and some young people just happen to be hanging out there. I was expecting more of a SyFy Channel/Sharknado or even a Tiffany/Deborah Gibson effort but the film just didn’t seem to hit all cylinders at all during its 70 minute run time. I still enjoy Mark Polonia and his films but I have to give this one only 1 ½ stars.

 

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (DVD) – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson joins in on the action as Roadblock along with the original “Joe” played by Bruce Willis in a lackluster sequel with Cobra and his evil members already in the White House with a fake president controlling things and trying to kill the Joes! The first film gave me such high hopes for this series but I believe this sequel may have been the death nail?! I give the boring sequel 1 star.

 

Shakma (VHS) – Mother fucking killer ass monkey fucking doors up, now this is a bad ass movie! I am ashamed I never caught this flick when it was first originally released in 1989. Some doctors in training are playing Dungeons and Dragons in a school building overnight with Roddy McDowell as the Dungeon Master/teacher. Well they fuck up by shooting up a monkey with some shit after it was experimented on and it failed and poof “Killer Monkey on Speed”!!! AWESOME! And let’s not forget the excellent Amanda Wyss also stars. I give the flick 3 stars. So go watch Shakma fuck up some doors.

 

The Runestone (VHS) – This guy Martin brings home an ancient runestone from a coal mine in Western Pennsylvania to his place in New York City. He begins to study it and is possessed by the runestone and becomes this odd werewolf thing that is feeding on New Yorkers. And the only person to stop him is that bad ass long blonde haired villain dude from “Die Hard”! Cool creature, some blood, Western Pa is mentioned, I give it a solid 2 ½ stars.

 

The Unseen (DVD) – Here is a creepy flick from 1980 starring Barbara Bach as a news reporter and her two friends Vicki and Karen who worked with her get screwed out of their room during some town festival. Forced to look miles away for a motel and no luck they run into a chubby, sloppy, weird dude who offers them a room at his big house. Never mind the weird noises you hear in the basement and the chubby dude is just creepy especially when you learn he believes “incest is best”. The young reporter gets curious when her two friends go missing or were just pulled down the furnace vents and discovers what or who is living in the basement. A great ending to a film that may have been a little shocking at its time of release makes for a cool lesser known horror film worth seeking out as I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #320

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Gross Movie Reviews #320

 

By Tim Gross

 

Spiders (DVD) – Bootleg Jason Patric aka Patrick Muldoon Christa Campbell take on spiders from space in fake New York. Part of a Russian space station falls to earth into a subway and with it is an experimental spider that has already laid its egg for a queen. Soon the homeless disappear and huge ass spiders begin to fuck people up in this fun adventurous Space spider film. You usually cannot go wrong with mutated creatures from space and for that I am thankful as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Chilling Visions: 5 Senses of Fear (DVD) – Another anthology that tackles human’s five senses: Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch. As usual it’s a mixed bag and not everyone can have a “Creepshow” or “The Collective” anthology finished product. But don’t let that stop you from checking out this project as ‘Sight’ from Miko Hughes aka little kid from Pet Semetery… does amazing job and one of my favorite young filmmakers Emily Hagins brings a wonderful story for ‘touch’. I give the project 2 stars.

 

Oz the Great and Powerful (DVD) – These days no story or movie to be remade or reimagined is untouchable for Hollywood but to make it interesting they bring in filmmaking horror legend Sam Raimi. He was given the task to bring to life how Oz really became Oz along with the witches, ruby red shoes, and so on and so on. I am a fan of the original classic film that just reinvented cinema but was also able to enjoy this film for what it is ‘a prequel’. But saying that I do believe good, bad, or just dumb whatever your opinion is, Raimi brings a very unique style of filming to the movie and without him I most likely feel this movie adaption may have sucked an egg. But with him it made me take a break from massacre and gore films to watch something that is a little off the beaten path for my movie watching taste. For that I have to give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Creature (DVD) – No kiddos, not the William Malone feature from the early 80s, it’s a monster film about bayou hillbillies and incest that seem to get buried and not talked about by many. A group of young folk make their way to a haunted part of the bayou where a legend of a crazed half creature/half man roams the swamps and kills looking for his new bride. Sounds simple and cool enough but how about throw in Sid Haig leading a couple hillbilly brothers into the swamp trying to have the young folk killed by this legend to help please their god! Which did I mention apparently incest is a big part of this backwoods religion? Lots of gore, incest, practical make-up and creature, crazed hillbillies, and Sid Haig in one of his best roles since Captain Spaulding. I’m in every time to watch cool shit like this! Horror fans get off your high horse and give this flick a second chance as I give it 3 stars.

 

Wreckage (DVD) – Don’t walk but run away from this so called horror film that makes me believes the screenwriter may have issues? Car breaks down and four friends go to an old junkyard to get parts. Then dumb ass guy who hates his pregnant girlfriend shoots her by mistake and comes up with a corny welder’s masked character that kills people in a junkyard for kicks. I wanted to enjoy this movie but found myself disgusted with the film after watching the payoff. It still amazes me what gets released and what doesn’t as I give this horrid film a ½ star.

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Splatter Farm (DVD) – Been awhile since I have tracked down a Polonia Brothers film and reviewed it, so I figured it was time to sit down and watch the film that help make the Polonia Brothers a household name among ‘shot on video’ filmmakers. Having watched quite a few of the Polonia Brothers films over the years I wasn’t quite prepared for this no budget homage to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Most of the Polonia Brothers flicks are comedic or sci-fi flicks with a slasher or two thrown in for fun. So seeing this flick all the through made me have a whole new respect for their filmmaking talents. Two brothers go to visit their aunt who lives in farm country and happens to have an oddball dude living there helping her with chores. Soon the brothers become curious of the odd man and what he does out in the old farmhouse and that was a big mistake for the brothers as they come face to face with gritty brutality that is absolutely gut-wrenching! This film belongs for good reason in “you feel dirty after watching it” category! It’s a film I never thought the Polonia Brothers could do and they did and that is why I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Rock n Roll High School (DVD) – Or we should just call it the Roger Corman film that happens to star The Ramones and lots of their music! Basic storyline is all Riff Randall wants is to meet The Ramones and give Joey the songs she wrote. Plus her friend wants to get laid. That changes when her Ramones tickets are taken away for skipping three days of school to stand in line for them. Soon the principal wants to start a war with the students about Rock n Roll so she can discipline them and show them the right path in this perfect blend of music and comedy. The Corman film stars the likes of P.J. Soles, Clint Howard, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and The Ramones of course! I give the flick 4 stars.

 

Doc of the Dead (DVD) – Another great documentary that covers everything zombies from Max Brooks to George Romero to the black and white flick White Zombie. Lots of cool interviews and clips covering not only the history of movie zombies but even talking about people who actually prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Simon Pegg makes an appearance as does Greg Nicotero along with Tom Savini to show this documentary means business talking everything zombies. So zombie fans shamble to whenever you can a copy of this and enjoy as I give it 4 stars.

 

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Theater) – Been awhile since I been to the theater and what better way to do it than going opening weekend to see the summer film that brings together old and new X-men universes together. The war is all but lost in the future as Professor X and Magneto believe they have a way to change the future to change everything. This way mutants and humanity will survive the Sentinels. Wolverine’s conscious is sent back to 1973 to convince Professor X who has fallen on very hard times and Magneto who is imprisoned 1000 feet underground by the government to come together and stop Mystique/Raven from killing Trask the man who invented the Sentinels. They believe this the event that has set the war in motion and if stopped and changed history will change. The only one that would know of this is Wolverine if he succeeds, if not they all die. Everyone makes an appearance except Gambit in this amazing and wonderful summer film. This is the type of film all should enjoy as it brought out the inner kid in me while watching it. Enjoy this summer movie for what it is a fun popcorn superhero flick and stop being cynical as I give it 4 stars.

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Hopscotch (DVD) – A quite different short film from Kirsten Walsh who gives the viewer an intense curveball of an independent film that relies more on its dialogue and performances by its all-female cast than your usually boobs, shitty gore effects, and bad acting that a good portion of independent films rely on. I should know as I have watched and reviewed many as some believe too many at times. But always enjoy when a filmmaker like a Kirsten Walsh produces something like “Hopscotch” that makes you want to pay attention to all dialogue and also has a great uneasy feeling of not sure where the film may take you. But anyway Bridget is an escort who is brought to a big home by a young woman named Jolene. Bridget is there to service a character named Mr. Andre but never sees him when she gets into deep conversation with Jolene and a curious houseguest named Rebecca. From there the film blooms into this great creepy oddity that will have you wanting more especially after the film’s interesting ending. Big props to Kirsten Walsh for putting together an independent short film worth talking about as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the project at www.facebook.com/hopscotchfilm .

 

Get Crazy (YouTube/VHS) – An absolutely hilariously funny lost classic from 1983 about a man named Max Wolfe whom himself and staff are trying to put together a show for New Year’s at The Saturn Theater. Problem is Max Wolfe is dying or thinks he is and its up too Daniel Stern now. The real question is once you start watching is “who isn’t in this film” as all the Roger Corman regulars and then some make an appearance in this wacky film of putting a show together that also highlights Malcom McDowell talking to his penis! That alone should make you want to seek this wacky over the top gem. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.