Gross Movie Reviews #331

Gross Movie Reviews #331


By Tim Gross


Porkchop (DVD) – Independent filmmaker Eamon Hardiman takes you on a trip to Camp Wood where the legend of a man wearing a pig’s head stalks the woods and kills all who try to have sex, drink, or just stay the night. Hardiman tries to give his vision of a throwback slasher on no budget and just having fun with the idea. Hardiman gives the viewer a lot of laughs, boobs, and blood along the way. But we also get two store clerks who are the highlight of the film besides Porkchop, people talking about $10 abortions, and death by lawn darts which is always cool in my book. If you like your independent throwback horror films: sleazy, corny, and blood-filled then you are in for a treat with this feature as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more info or to purchase the films check out: .

Porkchop 2

Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind (DVD) – Hardiman and company are back with their follow-up as Porkchop has failed to fill his quota on stupid naked people in the woods and with saying that the film opens with “Death by Vagina!” But the main plot of the film is about a new boy who has just moved to the small town near by the legendary Camp Wood and his name is Simon and he has just met a cute, flighty girl that makes him break out into a musical to explain his circumstance. With Simon wanting to fit in and Meg wanting to help out her new boy crush, she throws a party at Simon’s home when his parents go looking for the movers that never came. Then comes a death by bong, lots of nipples rubbing, Porkchop obliterating teenagers, a cool death by tiki torch, and a twist to the story that deals with the cute, flighty Meg character. Once again lots of fun here to enjoy as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more info or want to own the film you can go to: .


Porkchop 3D (DVD) – Or if you are lame like me you just get the 2D version because I don’t have much faith in the 3D technology. It’s very hit or miss these days. As Hardiman continues his series about the brutal killer Porkchop we last seen Porkchop and Meg hand and hand as they are father and daughter. Strangely enough the film opens up with Meg being killed but apparently Porkchop’s years of raping young women has paid off as he has another young daughter to line up potential victims? But this time supposed survivors of the past have return to Camp Wood to lure Porkchop out with a lame plan. But Porkchop’s other daughter does most of the tracking and brutal killing in this sequel as she is trying to help her father against the survivors. Hardiman figures the formula worked for all those other slashers so why not for Porkchop? I give the independent flick 2 out of 4 stars as I just felt like that spark you feel watching the first two films wasn’t there. For more info or to purchase the films check out: .


Pig Girl (DVD) – With Porkchop dead, Hardiman uses Porkchop’s daughter “Pig Girl” to continue the killing spree! But with Porkchop now dead teenagers and stupid people alike feel it’s cool to go back to Camp Wood. Example: a college dropout and his step-father take a trip to the legendary area where all the murders happened. Soon murders begin to happen again. The film seems more relying on story this time to build up the Pig Girl character since her father Porkchop was killed in the last film. Possibly to give horror fans another woman of horror to cheer for? The film has a more dramatic feel to it but no matter what Eamon Hardiman is proving he has the passion to make independent horror films on almost no budget so go support as I give it 2 out of 4 stars. For more info: .


Ghost of Mars (DVD) – Ice Cube stars as Desolation Williams a lifetime criminal on the planet Mars who has been finally caught and looks like the charges against him are going to stick. Problem is he has six murders being pinned on him he had nothing to do with and strange things are happening to the mining colonies on Mars. A special police force comes in by train into an empty mining colony to pick up Williams only to figure out they are in for a shitload of strange shit as a Marilyn Manson look-a-like leads an army of cannibalistic humans that are possessed by Martians! Not one of Carpenter’s best films but definitely worth a rewatch as I believe it got a bad rep first time around. The film also stars Pam Grier, Robert Carradine, and a unknown Jason Statham! I give the flick 2 ½ stars.


Dark Haul (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Tom Sizemore stars in a very confusing movie about the Jersey Devil, its origins, and its sister which shares powers with it. Over 300 years ago a prophecy foretold of the demon and since then it has been kept captive by people within the government trying to make sure the end of the world doesn’t happen if the Jersey Devil gets loose? Sounds cool but ends up being a big waste of time at the end of the day as I give the film 1 star.


The Possession of Michael King (DVD) – The possession movies seem to be pooped almost on a weekly basis that you can’t tell one from the other. But that is where this one differs as the movie is about a man named Michael King who believes there is no such thing as ghosts, afterlife, demons, etc. King decides he will make a documentary with cameras on him 24/7 trying to get answers or the truth on the subject of possession, demons, and ghosts as he was heartbroken by his wife’s death six months earlier. Along the way Michael King does find a demon and it takes ahold of him causing him to have evil urges towards his sister and daughter. He fights it as much as he can but Michael slowly goes insane trying to figure out how or if he can get rid of the demon that is now inside of him. It’s a great creepy roller coaster ride that has a few jump scares for the horror fan’s delight as I give the flick 3 stars.


Any comments or questions please send to:, or . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to for details.

And don’t forget the Paranormal Panel I will be a part of on November 8th!!!

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