Gross Movie Reviews #393


Gross Movie Reviews #393


Juan of the Dead (DVD) – Wasn’t totally sure what it was until I sat down and finally watched this flick. I knew it was a zombie flick and knew I would see it pop up on streaming sites and such. But I never really knew anyone who watched it so of course I took that as I had too and wasn’t disappointed. The film is literally the Cuban equal of ‘Shaun of the Dead’. Juan and his buddy just like to go fishing and hang out on top of their apartment complex drinking. Until a bunch of weird things begin to happen: explosions, people attacking other, car wrecks, and let’s not forget Juan and his buddy shoot a zombie while fishing but nothing is really happening… After most of Cuba heads for Florida, Juan and his buddy get together with some friends and start a zombie exterminating company. Once that dries up and no natives left he decides to help his friends escape while he stays behind. A hilarious zombie film that doesn’t get lost in translation and needs to be a part of your zombie film collection as I give it 3 stars.


Nightfeeders (DVD) – A lower budgeted and lesser known film from the 90s that has hillbillies fighting alien creatures. When meteors drop to earth or farm country chaos ensues as the locals scatter in fright and being eaten quite often! The creature is cheesy, the acting is cheesy, if there was horror hosts still around (Elvira, Joe Bob, etc.) I am sure this would become a regular on their show once seen? I give this alien/hillbilly battle 2 stars.


Sector 7 (DVD) – If you have seen such films: ‘Ghost Rig’, ‘Deep Star Six’, ‘Deep Rising’ you’ll most likely enjoy this recent Korean sea creature film. Oil drillers are desperate to tap a part of the ocean for oil that has never been tapped or so they thought? A woman with a past that involves the area they are drilling is driven and hell bent on proving all involved. But scientists have let something loose, an experiment with a small creature that was found years ago at the same location. It may be small but is able to be the new fossil fuel that burns forever because of what it is? So of course they experiment on it and years later its bigger, pissed off, and hungry for humans. The movie is enjoyable except for its reliance on a totally computer generated creature that looks mediocre at best as I give the film 2 stars.


Adjust Your Tracking (DVD) – So you wanna be a VHS collector? First watch this documentary that takes you through early days of VHS, how Blockbuster Video killed the business, and how collecting changed after someone was selling a VHS copy of ‘Tales From the Quad Dead Zone’ on EBay. The documentary does a wonderful job of tracking down some of the most popular collectors and getting their stories of how and why this format? It is a film that sheds light on why this is no different than collecting baseball cards or albums and why its loved by so many. Plus the film does a wonderful job of pointing out some people who are trying to keep the format alive. Interesting and overall production are exactly what you want in a documentary about collecting VHS tapes as I give it 4 stars.


Cropsey (DVD) – A documentary that sheds light on an urban legend in Staten Island that was supposedly made up to scare kids that actually became very real for residents in New York. For years parents would tell stories of kids going missing near abandoned school/hospital of kids going missing but it became real in 1987 when a girl with Down syndrome went missing. It was summer of 1987 and the girl went missing with no suspects and town turning itself upside looking for her. Eventually a discovery of a hand in the dirt near by the abandon school/hospital (which has a horrible past of its own) open up a can of worms the residents of Staten Island were not ready for? All the stories they would tell actually became true as the investigation into the disappearance went on. With more and more information kids with low I.Q. were found missing and it all pointed to one man “Andre Rand”. To this day only one missing kid was found but several other disappearances have been linked to this man and residents of the area were never the same. Great stuff but my biggest issue with the film was it seem to keep going over the same things and not moving forward causing it to be a longer movie than it needed to be. But getting past that it is an amazing documentary of what happened in Staten Island resident’s backyards without them ever knowing the truth. I give it 3 stars.


Kolchak: The Night Stalker (DVD) – Finally Kolchak fans have been blessed with the whole TV series collection out on DVD. Only one season (20 episodes in 1974-75) worth but the series never seem to full release on VHS and would only have a few episodes pop out on random TV drama DVDs. Now fans like me get to see it from beginning to end in order. Kolchak is a reporter for a Chicago paper called “INS”. Kolchak seeks out the odd stories that sometimes don’t make a lick of sense for the paper but for him it is totally worth investigating. Like Kolchak says at the end of the episodes, “Who is gonna believe it?” The first few episodes have Kolchak trying to write stories after helping solve the mystery of a vampire or Jack the Ripper or the zombie but the paper won’t print it. This format changes at some point as Kolchak aka Darren McGavin ends up telling the story after it has been solved instead of trying to make his next deadline for INS. But no matter what even 40 years later the series is still amazing, interesting, and Darren McGavin is just down right awesome as Kolchak. Chris Carter has always thanked the series for its influence on his creation of ‘X-files’ as he should. Both are unique and well written and just like ‘Kolchak: The Night Stalker’, ‘X-files’ was almost canceled after one season because of it being misunderstood by network types. Horror fans there are a lot of great horror-themed shows out there now but it all started with Kolchak so do yourself and friends a favor and go check this one of a kind series out! I give it 4 stars folks.


Starcrash (DVD) – Two space smugglers are broken out of prison to find a secret planet (The Count’s planet). One of the smugglers just happens to be Caroline Munro who only wears a bikini and must find David Hasselhoff or Joe Spinnell will kill them all. Oh yeah Christopher Plummer makes an appearance in this late 70s ‘Star Wars’ rip-off that is so bad its good flick. I give it 2 ½ stars as there as way too much randomness in this film.


Dudes & Dragons (DVD) – A hilarious horrible computer-generated fantasy film about two brothers, an Orc, and a fool who go on a mission to save a princess from an evil wizard. The evil wizard which is a cousin of the princess only wants her to himself and sends out a dragon to do his evil bidding. The whole family bloodlines and marrying an elf storyline are lame but the interaction between the Orc and the brothers is hilarious enough to keep you interested through the end of the movie. I give it 1 ½ stars. SyFy Channel where were you? This had your fingerprints all over it…


The Hatching (DVD) – A giant croc is eating the population of a small village in the U.K. but is later found out to be a pet of man or local in this case that happens to be a serial killer! The film is really is mish mash of several horror films but well worth the watch for the main reason that a kid gets eaten by a croc two or so minutes in. The film can be choppy and not make total sense but good gore scenes and a kid being eaten quickly into the movie can make you oversee the little problems as I give it 2 ½ stars.


Shelved (DVD) – One Spotlight Productions and Michael E. Cullen have a new holiday fright for horror movie fans. A dad is driving home from work one night and gets a flat. He goes into the antique shop for help but instead finds a present for his daughter Alice. It’s a cute elf puppet that he feels his daughter needs for the season. After several warnings from the shop owner, dad still takes it home unbeknownst to him and the wife the cute elf puppet aka Private Gumdrop causes chaos in the household. This of course includes threatening to kill the kid if she talks and pooping in the Christmas treats. Mom disturbed by the acts takes Alice to see a doctor who at first does not believe but does some research and wants to warn Alice and her family that they are in danger. By the way, Private Gumdrop is just as good of a driver as he is slicing unsuspecting victim’s throats. Maybe Michael Myers taught Mr. Gumdrop how to drive, maybe Mr. Cullen was able to make a long lost Full Moon flick? Who knows, but I really enjoyed what Michael E. Cullen did with the idea. Taking the “Elf on the Shelf” to a whole other level of fun. I can always get behind an evil elf puppet for the holidays but the film does have a few imperfections such as lack of blood and pacing of the film as it has some dull moments. Overall, I have a feeling this holiday horror treat will find its way under some trees in the future as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.


Metamorphis: The Alien Factor (DVD) – Scientists play with some mutant alien samples and magically they have some new species to experiment on. All is well until one of them is bitten and he begins to have his own metamorphism. He turns into a crazy off the wall practical effect creature that kills a security guard whose daughters come looking for him. Not given any answers they make their way into the research center to find their father but only find two man governments clean up/containment crew for the monster. The film almost seems like “Vidmark’s” video answer to Corman’s produced ‘The Terror Within’? Just like the “Vestron” label I always cherish finding “Vidmark” labeled films I haven’t seen as they are always filled cheesy horror goodness! I give the flick 2 ½ stars.


Any comments or questions please send to or . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at:

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at:

Gross Movie Reviews #333


Gross Movie Reviews #333


By Tim Gross


Apocalypse L.A. (SyFy Channel/DVD) – The film was released under a different title last year “Disaster L.A.” but has been rereleased by SyFy Channel recently. It’s a zombie movie without calling it a zombie movie. Meteors start crashing to earth or L.A. specifically changing certain folks into flesh-eating mutants… hence zombies! Call them whatever you want but a group of so-called friends are fighting to get out of the city and flee the chaos. If you have destroyed many brain cells with beer like I you will most likely find yourself watching this flick just because otherwise choose your movies wisely my friends as I give this mediocre sci-fi flick 1 star.


Shattered Hopes: The Amityville Horror Murders (DVD) – If you were someone who was born in the 70s and remember all the stories of the movie and the family that left because the devil or evil spirits lived in a red room in the basement you’ll enjoy this… Why?  It debunks everything we know then and tries to get behind the real truth of the home and the murders and there was a cover up of some things that happened during the murders years ago. Fun stuff I tell you kids! I give it 3 stars.


Edge of Tomorrow (DVD) – Tom Cruise continues to be in some of the best fucking movies I have seen years as this flick is “Aliens meets Starship Troopers meets Groundhog Day”! Starts off with you saying to yourself “I have seen this film before…” But that’s when the movie gets interesting as Tom Cruise plays an officer who has never had the pleasure fighting the aliens who are trying to take over Europe in the near future and when he does, he dies constantly! Then he wakes up to relive the same day and same invasion over and over until he is able to figure out what to do. Great flick, Tom Cruise was great, Hollywood keep letting Cruise in these very entertaining flicks as I give it 3 ½ stars.


Vampire Hunter D (DVD/You Tube) – I know you are saying to yourself, “Holy shit the Gross Man actually watches Japanese Anime?” And the answer is yes. Not much but I have my moments because I respect the genre as those who follow it all are small in numbers but embrace it more than horror fans embrace their favorite horror films. Anime is almost like its own culture. But I am not expert to explain to this so let’s talk about one of the best animated horror films of all time if not the best as this flick in my opinion changed everything in 1985. Up until then anime wasn’t talked about and most of us only had the pleasure watching such other animated flicks: “Heavy Metal, Wizards, Fire and Ice, etc.” “Vampire Hunter D” took the plotline of futuristic vampires, the action icon of anti-hero to save all, and amazing animated gore and threw into a blender which in turn made an amazing animated horror film that changed a generation. Magnus Lee a head vampire named after Christopher Lee comes back to his homeland after being gone for many years and finds a young girl he would like to make his wife. Villagers live in fear of her believing she will bring an army of bloodsuckers down upon them so they ban her from town. So she seeks the help of a known stranger who makes it his life’s work to kill vampires. It is violent brilliance in action my friends. I give it 4 stars.


Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (DVD/YouTube) – The argument can be made they waited 15 years too long for a sequel but we got one anyway and it is fucking awesome! Imagine films: “Vampires, The Road Warrior, and Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker’s Dracula” were mashed together and we get the great chaos in an animated film that has “D” trying to save a rich man’s daughter from a vampire that claims he loves her. The vamp and the woman want to leave this earth for a place where they will not be hunted and live in peace. Some people prefer this flick of the first but I enjoy the origin story more but this flick still has enough punch to gut for horror and anime fans to enjoy as I give it 3 ½ stars.


Invaluable (DVD) – A documentary that was written/directed/edited by independent filmmaker Ryan Meade, who took it upon himself to bring to light the greatness of Mr. Tom Sullivan. If by some chance you do not know who this man is you are missing something in your life. Mr. Sullivan or we should call him Mr. Evil Dead was the man who did the amazing special effects for the first “Evil Dead” film and is a superb artist also! The documentary dives into Sullivan’s life from the time he grew up and met Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell to his soul mate dying (which I never knew about) to how Sullivan with just a chance meeting with Cinema Wasteland’s Ken Kish at a convention in the late 90s made him an icon among horror movie fans and convention goers alike. The film has interviews with Michael Berryman, the ladies of “Evil Dead”, Bruce Campbell all talking about Tom Sullivan not only being a great friend but the backbone of a film that still has generations of horror fans talking about over 30 years later! The film promotes Tom Sullivan’s artwork which is just amazing and I could stare at all day but also shows his traveling “Evil Dead” museum. Ryan should be proud of this project because there are still many people out there that don’t know about Mr. Sullivan and should. Tom is one of my favorite celebrities to have ever met and I will tell everyone he is one of us… a horror fan and has fun still too this day doing what he does. I give this perfect insight into the life of the artist Tom Sullivan 4 out of 4 stars. Now do yourself a favor and go visit this page and support Ryan Meade and Tom Sullivan: .


Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (DVD) – Sasha Mitchell shows up as a third brother in the Sloan family who runs an old gym his brothers use to run until they were killed by Tong Po who was the villain that fought Jean-Claude Van Damme in the first flick. This flick has a shitload of faces in it that you will recognize immediately: Peter Boyle, Dennis Chan (who was the trainer in the first film), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (yeah trying saying that three times in a row, but mother fucker is in everything), Michel Qissi as Tong Po, Matthias Hues (we will always know him as the alien dude in “I Come in Peace” and one of my favorite directors, Albert Pyun directs. An enemy that was disgraced by Tong Po for killing the Sloan brothers forces the final Sloan brother to fight for honor after burning down his gym and making him do yoga with hobos in the park. Good follow-up to the original JCVD flick as I give it 2 ½ stars.


Kickboxer 3: The Art of War (DVD) – Sasha Mitchell and Dennis Chan travel to Brazil to make some money but instead befriend a couple kids that live on the streets and must fight for their freedom. Some asshole promoter sells slaves/hookers, whatever and wants Sloan to take a dive during a fight to make a bunch of money. But Sasha says it ain’t happening and begins kicking ass all over Brazil. The sequel is entertaining enough to make me watch the next flick so let’s move on as I give it 2 stars.


Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor (DVD) – Sasha Mitchell is back for another round looking uninterested and without his buddy and instructor Dennis Chan. This time around some dude looking like Tong Po who seems to survive every movie is a druglord and is running Mortal Kombat/cough, cough I mean a tournament in Mexico to decide who will win a million dollars and fight him? Uninterested Sloan makes his way to Mexico to save his wife from Tong Po who won’t know its Sloan fucking up all his minions in his compound! The film is hilarious for the wrong reasons or the right reasons if you are weird like me as I give the flick 2 stars. Did I mention Albert Pyun was back to direct this sequel?


Kickboxer 5: The Redemption (DVD) – AKA we are done making sequels for now because we believe that Tim Gross guy and those two weird people from Seattle are the only ones that would watch part five in America. Huge hits overseas… here not so much. Mark Decascos takes over for Sasha Mitchell as the unstoppable American who fucks up anybody that messes with his friends or in this case kill off the Sloan clan. Anyway Mark’s character travels to South Africa to avenge Sloan’s death and the no name dude that gets his as beat on a rooftop by a couple of extras. Training montage, lost in Africa until a new friend’s sister picks them up, generic mock “Enter the Dragon” end fight scene and you have part five! I give the film 1 ½ stars. Good news kids there are a sequel/remake in the works being directed by Albert Pyun!

WolfCop (DVD) – I always enjoy when I find or hear about films like this feeling like the film was made just for me to watch and review?! The title says it all and I laughed my nutsack off watching this masterpiece. A drunken deputy of a small town named Lou that is useless keeps being sent out for disturbances in the woods of kids partying or doing satanic shit until one night his ass gets knocked out and wakes up in his own bed. Lou has flashes of what happened the night before but is unsure and soon becomes a cop who wants answers. Soon we got fun werewolf transformations; bad jokes that make me laugh my ass off, and a “Wolf Cop” car that is bad ass! Lou begins his bloody rampage through town trying to find answers and uncovers the truth behind the town’s leaders and why every 32 years a local event gets canceled. I love cheap Canadian horror movies as the filmmaker and company knew they were making a cheese fest and embraced it and that is what makes this one of my favorite horror films of 2014 as I give this son of a bitch 4 stars! And thank the lord there is a sequel in the works!


The Town that Dreaded Sundown (DVD) – Is it a sequel, a remake, you be the judge as it is one good fucking movie. The tatersack killer is back! 66 years after the original murders he appears again Halloween night 2013 during a showing of the 1976 film at the local drive-in. The townsfolk baffled, scared, want answers to why is this happening again, and a high school that is told , “to make everyone remember”? Jami is a shy girl who was just happy to go on a date but now is the center of attention as the unknown killer is back and haunting her but she fights back by researching who may have been the original killer as that mystery still remains unsolved. The film also incorporates the 1976 film and its filmmaker into the mystery as Jami believes if she can find the real killer the new one will disappear? Trying not to give away a lot as I was impressed with the direction the film went. So if you are a big fan of the original garb a six pack and pizza and enjoy this fun present day classic as I give it 3 stars.


Kolchak: The Night Stalker (DVD) – It all started in Vegas with Kolchak investigative reporter into the unknown. Kolchak is given a job to report on a murder of a woman having her blood drained from her body. Not sure what to make of it he investigates deeper and tries to bribe his way into the morgue and try other sources that may have other information as the bloodless bodies begin to pile up. But when it comes down to it Kolchak convinces the Vegas police they must carry silver crosses and wooden stakes to drive into this madman’s chest. Great 70s TV movie that as I said before inspired “The X-Files” and many other TV shows. Darren McGavin was awesome in this role as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.


Any comments or questions please send to:, or . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to for details.