Gross Movie Reviews #334

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Gross Movie Reviews #334

 

By Tim Gross

 CRXL_Zombie_Movie_Poster

Thr33 Days Dead (DVD/SyFy Channel) – This feature was a product of a SyFy Channel reality show called “Town of the Living Dead”. I believe it was 12 half hour episodes of a film crew struggling for the past six years to make a zombie movie in Jasper, Alabama on no budget. If they finish it they get their film to premiere on SyFy Channel? Well, of course they finished it, problem is unless you were retarded like me and checked for the 1 am time it was listed you were not going to see the finished product. Good, bad, ugly idea… I was just glad SyFy threw the film on TV. But from what I have read it didn’t get good enough ratings to warrant a Saturday night time slot which kinda sucked. Personally, I hope someone takes notice of the idea not the movie? Great idea, poor execution of a movie… But anyhow without ranting on about this idea the six years in the making zombie movie suffers like most independent movies that go on way too long from no budget. It doesn’t hurt to think big when zombies are attacking a small town but if you don’t have the resources to pull it off you get this finished project. Three guys trying to survive a zombie apocalypse with impossible odds. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Happy Horror

Happy Hour Holocaust (DVD) – A fun anthology film project directed and written by Jim Roberts and has help behind and in front of the camera from two other talented people in Tim Novotny and Jorge Delarosa. These three independent filmmakers finally have come together to start making projects and I FUCKING LOVE THE IDEA! These three guys have done impressive and different stuff the past couple years that have me absolutely salivating for what they do next…? But in the meantime we get this fun Indy project that taught me three things: 1) Crazy people should always get their meds, 2) don’t trust a cute girl that’s psycho, 3) and don’t trust an empty bar on Halloween night! Also there is way too much crotch mutilation in this flick so dudes prepare to cringe at least three times. Horror fans talk of Ty West, Eli Roth, etc., I say fuck that shit! These are the filmmakers to pay attention too: Jim Roberts, Tim Novotny, and Jorge Delarosa. Remember the names because they are the future of horror! I give the project 3 out of 4 stars.

 

The House That Dripped Blood (DVD) – A great and subtle flick about a house that has a past of people dying in it for various reasons. Not the best film starring these folks: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Ingrid Pitt, and that dude from Indiana Jones but a great excuse to watch a cool British horror film from the early 70s. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Abraxas: The Guardian of the Universe (VHS) – Well if Jesse “The Body” Ventura is the guardian of the universe in 1990 I rather he pass onto another planet and let us die out because the movie should be arrested for viewer’s abuse! Leave it to me to find a horrible movie even by my standards starring Jesse Ventura. Jesse is a “Finder”, a peace officer in intergalactic terms. Well his partner has just determine he wants more power to rule the universe so he goes to earth impregnate some blonde bimbo that just happens to be Jim Belushi’s second wife so he can come back and rip a code out of the child’s brain! Five years go by after the incident and Jesse’s partner busts out of intergalactic prison to go find his non-verbal alien kid. I have more fun dealing with “Crown Royal” hangovers than watch this flick again. I give it 0 stars and thanks to Jesse for ruining the thought of him being anytime of actor.

 

Lifeform (VHS) – The movie is also known as “Invader” on DVD. The film is a pleasant surprise if you are a sci-fi/horror nerd. The mid-90s flick is about the Viking II satellite comes back to earth mysteriously after 15 years ago it being sent to Mars. Scientists get ahold of it to study it before the military is about take it away  but find it may have a stowaway. Is the alien life form there to kill or communicate? One thing is for sure we are not alone in the universe in this flick that sports some cool creature effects as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Mardi Gras for the Devil (VHS) – The early 90s film is also known as “Night Trap” on a very crappy DVD. We got a long-haired bad ass demon serial killer in Michael Ironside who is slashing his way through New Orleans. A detective in Robert Davi is trying to find a way to stop the supernatural killer as long as his boss played by John Amos doesn’t stop him. Boobs, blood, and Michael Ironside being Michael Ironside make this a must see feature as I give it 3 stars.

Mr. Ice

Mr. Ice Cream Man (VHS) – Don’t get me wrong I love SOV independent flicks they can be so much fun. This isn’t one of those times as I try to stay awake through this boring story of a man who kills and stores his victims on his ice cream truck. Sounds familiar? Yeah, do yourself a favor and stick with the Clint Howard classic. I give this flick a ½ star.

 

Season of the Witch (VHS) – A very trippy early 70s film that just happens to be George Romero’s third film and was also released under the title “Hungry Wives”. The movie is a product of its times and doesn’t hold up well but is a great story of a woman named Joan that is tired of her normal routine life of being Jack’s wife, a housewife. So she turns to witchcraft! Interesting and weird and for that I give it 2 stars.

Mutant World (DVD/SyFy Channel) – A great concept film that should have been so much more but fizzled is about a meteor about to hit Pennsylvania and cause an apocalypse. Doomsday preppers in Colorado hide in their bunker for ten years only to come out to be greeted by mutants who want to eat them. The film spends more time on the Doomsday preppers arguing than fleshing out the story about humans finding a way to survive ten years after the catastrophe. I give it 2 stars.

 

Late Phases (DVD) – A blind Vietnam vet is being moved into a senior community by his son only on his first to have his neighbor attacked by a werewolf. He soon finds out there has been a lot of dogs missing and attacks once a month in the community chalked up to wildlife since the gated community was built near some dense woods. The blind vet decides he has a month to prepare and figure out who is the werewolf and kill it and the movie fleshes it out brilliantly. Great flick, Tom Noonan as a priest, and Robert Kurtzman as creature effects supervisor, count me in on this being one of the best horror flicks of 2014 as I give 4 stars.

Blood Lake

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (DVD) – A horror film that premiered on Animal Planet of all places has found its way onto DVD for all of us ‘killer animal film’ lovers. The film is the latest project from filmmaker James Cullen Bressack who seems to be one busy dude these days. An officer from the Fish and Wildlife just happens to be spending the summer at a small town in Michigan where there are lampreys invading the fishing areas and it needs to be resolved. Christopher Lloyd stars as the mayor of the small town and wants it done in one day but doesn’t understand the lampreys are a much bigger problem than he realizes as people are being attacked and eaten in the lake, their home, out on the road. The lampreys multiply quickly and try to eat the town whole. The film also stars Shannon Doherty (who pops up in the weirdest of movies these days), Zack Ward, and Fred Stoller. And let’s not forget the lampreys face death by weedwacker!  It’s a hilarious killer animal movie that kept my interest as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found on amazon.com.

 

Hazard Jack (DVD) – An Afghan war vet is having trouble adjusting to society so he decides to set up shop in an abandon hospital to torture and kill people in to get his frustration out. He gets pissed when some college kids decide they want to play paintball in his home and they bring a pregnant woman with them. Which of course means for the integrity of the plot he cannot kill her that would be just wrong? There is lots of blood, sex, and useless plot but this film is exception to the rule of it equaling a great horror flick as it insults horror fans more than entertaining them as I give it 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #323

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Gross Movie Reviews #323

 

By Tim Gross

 

Syndrome (YouTube/DVD) – A short independent film written and directed by a cool young filmmaker Tim Novotny and it stars filmmaker Jim Roberts as the lead character (Nate). Nate is back from the war, depressed, crippled, you get the drift. Nate’s world is over but you as the viewer must decide is he dreaming? Already dead? Or is he a ghost now watching from afar? A cool short film that can make you think as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Kids

Kids Get Dead 2: The Kids Get Deader (Vimeo/DVD) – You know me I will watch sequels… Especially when I haven’t seen the first film! But Darkstar Entertainment has just released Michael Hall’s independent slasher sequel. Casey survived the first film and suffers like most “survivor girl” syndrome. She wants answers why? Who was trying to kill her and friends? And so on… But makes this slasher different is Casey learns of author Charles Carver. An author whose books that he writes comes true just like what happen to her before so Casey goes looking for Mr. Carver for answers. Soon the masked killer is back on his killing spree again and Casey soon finds herself with more questions than answers and is unsure if Carver’s killer can be killed? I have to give it to filmmaker Michael Hall intentional or not the film has a little “In the Mouth of Madness”, a little “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare”, and a dash of a supernatural horror film that adds up to not being just your typical straight up slasher flick. I enjoyed the little twist, the gore looked cool, the usual slasher film amount of boobs make this an interesting watch for slasher fans as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about it at www.darkstarentertainment.net .

 

Dragonslayer (DVD) – Its 1981 and it’s like a live action version of a Dungeons and Dragons story has come to life! And what makes this flick still cool to talk about is that after 30 years or so it still holds up as a great fantasy film. Virgins, dragons, sacrifices, I’m sold! Do yourself a favor and revisit this early 80s flick as I give it 3 ½ stars.

House

House of Oddities: The Story of the Atrocity Exhibition (Vimeo/DVD) – An amazing documentary that takes you on the journey of how a local Atrocity Exhibition got started and how some very different and passionate people make it happen. Independent filmmaker Brian Cottington lends his talents in filming this small group of artists that want to entertain people whether through art, theater, dance, etc. And give the mainstream something that isn’t looked at as your typical sideshow or freakshow but true art or freedom of expression. Cottington gives you an inside look of how a small group of artists came together from many walks of life and put together a show that not only has a loyal following but grows by the minute. A show that is very different from anything you have seen before and to keep people in attendance guessing they change the show every year. I believe this is a perfect documentary filmed by Brian Cottington for the mere fact this isn’t something I am into but after watching this has my full respect for what they do. Oddities they are not, artists they are and I am grateful for that and the people who were apart of this documentary. I give this wonderful film 4 out of 4 stars and can be seeked out at www.houseofodditiesmovie.com .

drybonesposter

Dry Bones (DVD) – Anytime a cool independent filmmaker such as Gregory Lamberson contacts you about a new flick you take notice… Especially when he was the dude that gave us the beautiful slime/gorefest “Slime City Massacre”! So when I got this screener I could not wait to sit down and watch a film that stars Debbie Rochon and Kevin Van Hat Trick aka Duane Smith aka just go watch “Basket Case” if you are not a nerd like I am. But anyway Lamberson’s latest is about a boy named Andrew who has a monster living under his bed and so frighten he is unsure that he can ever sleep again. Or it can be he is holding a piece of history in his hands (Fangoria #1, Godzilla cover) and knows how much it is worth? But anyway his dad (Bart) comes barging in because he cannot hear “Charlie’s Angels” and wants to put a beating upon Andrew but soon finds himself face to face with the hideous monster living under Andrew’s bed. Many years go by and Andrew now Drew has returned to town for the first time in years because his sister wants to sell their parents’ house. With nowhere to stay and needing to make repairs to the house before its sold Drew decides to move back to his original home thinking the monster is in his past. Drew was wrong! Soon Drew has strange dreams, all who enter are dying in a horrible manner, and the neighbors believe the home is haunted. A great independent horror film with cool practical monster effects and one of the best actresses ever as a Succubus… I want a sequel and I want Debbie Rochon in even more monster make-up because she makes it look so fun and awesome! All I got to say horror fans thank god for filmmakers like Gregory Lamberson as I give his new flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

After Dusk They Come (DVD) – Some rich people get shipwrecked on an island that just happens to have the offspring of Sasquatch and the cave creatures from “The Descent”. It’s worth wasting 80 or so minutes on as I give it 2 stars.

 

Things (DVD) – Possibly the most bizarre film I ever had the pleasure of watching. And that is saying a lot my friends. “Donnie Darko”… poop on you! “Fight Club”… go fuck yourself! “Eraserhead”… I’m still not sure? Just when I thought I seen all the warped mindfuck movies out there I come across Andrew Jordan’s ultra-fucking-weird no budget independent horror film that was shot on Super-8 in Canada and dubbed. Got your attention so far? Two friends go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere that just happens to be one of the fellows’ brother’s cabin. And his brother just had a weird dream about a naked woman in a basement with their monster baby and wakes up to his wife getting very sick. While the two dudes steal beer from the fridge Doug’s wife dies from a creature bursting out of her stomach that was an experiment from Dr. Lucas and now is multiplying throughout the house. Between the rambling nonsense called dialogue is a battle between these odd creatures and man in the ultimate bloodbath called, ‘survival’. And that is from what I can understand from watching this flick. I give this most bizarre flick 3 out of 4 stars for the mere fact I have never been so happy to own a movie!

 

Perished (YouTube) – A short film from SAR Films in the UK that is about a man who must decide suicide or figure out a way to outwit zombies that have him trapped inside a house. I give the flick 3 stars and really enjoyed the ending.

 

Halloween 2: H2 (DVD/remake) – Believe me if you ever talked to me about the first flick or read my review you understand why it took me so long to get over my anger to give this film a chance. And by the way I am still a little angry but I felt it enough time had pass to see what Rob Zombie did with the sequel and maybe figure out he doesn’t want a third film? The film begins in the hospital just like the original with Laurie and Annie in really bad shape. Laurie so worried about Annie goes to visit but of course Michael Myers is back to finish what he had started. Laurie wakes up in bed almost a year later living with Annie and Sheriff Brackett scarred, terrified, and dysfunctional. Meanwhile, Michael Myers has disappeared from the wrecked morgue van and hasn’t been seen. But Michael is seeing his dead mother and is told it is time to return to Haddonfield while Dr. Loomis is more of an asshole than the first film as he has written his next book all about the events of last Halloween. I enjoyed that Rob Zombie kept the characters evolving from the first film whether people liked it or not and paid homage to the original second film with the hospital scene. This movie has a grimier and gritty feel to it that the first film didn’t have and the gore keeps flowing. But also at the same time giving the drive to why Michael does what he does and why Laurie/Boo is so fucking screwed up. Am I happy there was a sequel let alone a remake, “HELL NO!” Did I get off my high horse and give this film a chance and glad I did, “YES I AM!” This sequel isn’t a horrible film and worth a watch if you are a hardcore fan of the original like me? It may have took two films for Rob Zombie to give us his full vision of Michael Myers good or bad but after watching this film and “Lords of Salem” I am grateful for Rob Zombie haunting Hollywood whether I agree or disagree with his movie choices and with that I give this film 2 stars.

 

Tony: London Serial Killer (DVD) – I haven’t seen a movie so boring since I pushed myself through the horrible feature “The Zombie Chronicles… in 3-D”. Next time I see this title come up I will just punch myself in the face and feel better that I did. I give it nothing as you should avoid it like the plague.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.