Gross Movie Reviews #400
Zombie Croc (DVD) – There has been a disturbance in the small southern town of Raven’s Neck. The deputy Rivera is sent to investigate and all can be found is bloody human remains everywhere. Believed it was an animal attack the sheriff is not all too concerned with Popa Chicken and his hatred for the town’s mayor. Popa Chicken disgusted with the eviction notices so he and his friends can be moved out for big business Popa brings forth a giant croc. While the croc causes havoc in the woods the town’s only hope is the deputy and a guy called “Crocodile Jack”! As usual filmmaker Robert Elkins brings forth a bit of exploitation feel with lots of blood and guts on no budget. I easily could see this film on SyFy Channel or a Chiller Channel during the summer months. My only major complaint would be the running time but was warned by Mr. Elkins ahead of time as I give the monster croc film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. More about the filmmaker and his films can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .
Zombie Isle (DVD) – Once again Independent filmmaker Robert Elkins keeps the motto: No budget, no problem, as some students and their professor visit an inhabited island for research. The island doesn’t even show up on most local maps. But the students and the pervy professor are in for a surprise when they show up and attacked by flesh-eaters (shades of Fulci perhaps). But the other thing waiting there is an old abandoned army station that the professor knew about and its rumors of a scientist living there? Greeted by scary German scientist guy they become witnesses to a project almost perfected since World War II. Apparently Scary German Guy is working on a formula to perfect soldiers or zombies for war! Think of ‘Outpost’ meets ‘Re-animator’ with a sprinkle of Fulci on no budget as usual as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details go check Robert at: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .
Arachnicide (DVD) – My hunger for mutant spider movies never ends as I find this oddity low budget flick about the government looking into big time drug dealer project. The project is a secret experiment on genetically-enhanced coco plants that will become full grown within hours to speed up the drug process. A small military tactical team is put together to invade a compound in Albania to destroy the heart of this experiment. Problem is the bad guys are smarter and have no plants there but genetically-enhanced spiders waiting to attack. A ‘Food of the Gods’ thing going here people as I give this oddity 1 ½ stars.
Anna (YouTube) – A short film that tackles two subjects in a very unique way. A young woman thought death would solve everything? But being undead and eating yourself sick doesn’t solve anything either… Pretty intelligent stuff from Forte Films Entertainment that is worth your time checking into and following them as I give it the short film 4 out of 4 stars. Find them at: www.fortefilmsentertainment.com and www.facebook.com/ForteFilmsEntertainment .
Easter Sunday (DVD) – Douglas Fisher is the serial killer known as “The Bunny Masked Killer” who went on a murderous rampage over 20 years ago on Easter. The police gunned him down but little they know Fisher’s offspring has survived and carries the secret of knowing who his father is. Now present day, the son Ryan Fischer and friends decide to have a drunken campfire and play with the spirit board. Ryan not believing in such a thing screams for his father to be brought back from the dead and contact them. The spirit board of course works and the spirit of Douglas Fisher now possesses Ryan and go dig up the old killer bunny mask. Now Ryan continues his father’s murderous rampage on Easter. I believe it’s a great concept for a slasher film that stars Robert Z’Dar and Ari Lehman. Plus the film has a great death scene by boiling water and has an awesome killer mask to market. But for me the film eventually falls a part in the second half with the film thinking it’s funny and no interesting characters outside of the bunny killer and Ari Lehman as the postman. I am not saying stay away from this holiday flick but I prefer ‘Easter Casket’ from Dustin Mills. You can purchase “Easter Sunday” at www.alternativecinema.com as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars.
Sharkenstein (DVD) – In 1942 Germany, Hitler’s men raid a laboratory to steal Frankenstein’s brain and heart from a scientist for their own evil Nazi experiments. It is said that the heart and brain of the monster cannot be destroyed? Who said this is unknown? But fast forward to present time where vacationers have been disappearing at “Katzman Cove”. A vacationing family has boat troubles and stumble upon a guy and his horrible German accent that has created ‘Sharkenstein’. A killer shark with the brain and heart of Frankenstein that is an unstoppable force! This horror mash-up is everything and more you expect from Polonia Brothers Entertainment. The only thing missing is Jon McBride randomly showing up as I give this hilarious mash-up 2 stars.
Yoga Hosers (DVD) – This latest Kevin Smith film stars Smith’s and Johnny Depp’s kids as “The Colleens” who are clerks at a convenience store in Winnipeg, Canada. The job is tough enough to work on a Friday night but when you are high school sophomores denied a chance to a senior party, it sucks. After learning about Canadian Nazis and fighting with their Phys. Ed. Teacher about real yoga in school they must go to the store. Once there they are greeted by little mini-Hitler sausage people known as the Bratzis. If things could not get worse the senior boy Hunter they adore invites himself and his bro to party at the store to sacrifice the girls to Satan because it is so metal! The boys are killed by the Bratzis and the girls are thrown in jail until they are broken out by Mr. Guy Lapointe to find the secret passage of the Bratzis to fight the evil. This “check your brain at the door” flick is absolutely hilarious and if by some chance you do not like it I say “sorry aboot that”. I give Smith’s latest 3 ½ stars.
Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.
Breeders (DVD) – I believe this hilarious flick where every woman must be naked is from the same guy that gave us ‘Mutant Hunt’, Tim Kincaid. A slimy ass alien roams the streets of Manhattan looking virgin women to rape! If that isn’t enough they eventually become possessed to travel to the alien’s nest under the city. Where of course the women once there are naked and rub each other down with white goo. I swear to you this 1986 film isn’t porn? But wouldn’t have been surprised it wasn’t marketed that way in certain countries. But hopefully a detective and a very concerned doctor can stop the madness or just watch the ridiculousness of it? I give it 2 stars.
Kickboxer: Vengeance (DVD) – Haven’t had enough of the first five films? How about a reboot where Jean-Claude Van Damme trains Kurt Sloan to fight Tong Po aka Dave Batista after Tong killed his brother in a special underground tournament. Kurt wants revenge and of course only JCVD and some random hot ass police woman can help you in Thailand. If a fan of the series you know what you are getting yourself into as I give it 2 stars.
Mad Foxes (DVD) – So you are looking for lost exploitation flicks? Look no further than this Corman-inspired rampage film where for 75 minutes is a back and forth fight between Kyle Martin and a Nazi motorcycle gang for no really good reason. The film’s highlights many naked women that Kyle has sex with, lots of hairy dongs, bootleg Chuck Norris dojo and friends, Nazi gang shootings, death by gardening shears, multiple penis hackenings, exploding toilet death, a gimp, and a song by Krokus! There is no real point to the film except for having the most over the top rampage thrown in your face! I give it 3 stars, now start looking for this gem.
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