Gross Movie Reviews #365
By Tim Gross
The Salvation (DVD) – A story based on what Danish soldiers did after the war. They came to America during the 1860s looking for opportunity. And the dude that played Hannibal Lecter in the “Hannibal” TV series has made enough money to bring his wife and son to America. While traveling back to the farm two outlaws throw Hannibal off the stagecoach, kill his son, and rape and kill his wife. After killing these two outlaws, the brother and his gang want revenge but that just makes Hannibal go all Josey Wales on their asses! I give the western 2 ½ stars.
Diamond Dogs (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren stars as a failed security expert in Mongolia who street fights for cash but is hired to track down an important artifact. Dolph beats the shit out of a bunch of people and eventually gives the artifact to the monks. I give the film 2 stars.
Enemies Closer (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme dresses up as a Canadian Mountie to try and get information from the US border patrol on the coast of Maine about a plane that went down and possibly has his drugs. They don’t cooperate and he kicks their collective ass. Now knowing the location he needs a tracker and the only one is a ranger former military dude who may have PTSD and wants left alone. Add Orlando Jones and Tom Everett Scott as the ranger/hero fighting JCVD and you have an unrealistic movie with a great wasted performance by JCVD as the villain! I give the flick 1 ½ stars.
Summer of Blood (DVD) – A comedian comes up with a movie idea where he plays a lazy annoying guy named Erik. Erik believes he is the best at his job and girlfriend thinks he is the best until she leaves him and he loses his job. If that wasn’t enough he is attacked by a vampire and the vamp feels bad about Erik and makes him a vamp also. And the rest of the movie is about how better Erik is in bed with the ladies. The movie was unfunny and just down right lame as I give it 0 stars.
A Christmas Horror Story (DVD) – A small town named Bailey Downs goes to total shit every year on Christmas according to the police chief and this year is no different. William Shatner plays a DJ who kinda works as in-between for the intertwining stories about Krampus and his evil ways. It is an anthology without being anthology is the best way to put it as there is five different storylines all going at once. We got suspicious murders at St. Joseph’s School, kids investigating, elves become zombify and attack Santa Claus, Krampus coming to collect on horrible human beings, great bloody fun this holiday is! I give it 3 stars and Shatner rules in this flick.
Holiday of the Dead (DVD) – An independent film from Final Warning Films takes a cue from the film “Nightmare at Noon” and has a so-called big medical asshat from Hinz-Howard pharmaceutical company giving out free flu shots. Of course this military experiment is on a small US town that no one will know or care about. But small town sheriff Tiffany Shepis tries to stop the flesh-eaters as most of the town got the flu shot. Now the only hope is some college kids camping and AWOL military personnel trying to stop it from happening again. If you are a fan of “Nightmare at Noon” made on a smaller scale you will enjoy this flick as it has some great gore effects and Tiffany Shepis actually has a script to work with. The film had some audio issues early on but seem to be corrected shortly after as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Note; there is a couple zombies that are killed simply by breaking their necks so is it truly a zombie movie?
Destroy Cleveland (DVD) – A documentary dedicated to bringing you the viewer behind-the-scenes look of the punk/hardcore music scene of Cleveland between the years of 1986-into late 2000s. Director Matt Greenfield and producer Jorge Delarosa do an amazing job of tracking many popular bands of the time to explain how different the scene was than most cities. And where the anger came from to make the hardcore music scene possible? These guys did a great job of bringing this documentary to life and that is coming from a dude that lived in Pittsburgh and I had heard of a few of these bands. Great stuff for the music documentary lover. Keep up the good work guys as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. For more info on this cool project go check out www.slowmutants.com and www.rustbelthammer.com .
Tales of Halloween (On Demand) – A great collection of short films that are of course are Halloween themed and have not only all-star directors but all-star casts. This film will soon be a staple for Halloween movie lovers every October as there wasn’t one bad story like most anthologies. Great effects, great monsters, fun stories, everything a horror movie fan looks for in a great Halloween flick. I definitely see horror fans doing a double bill movie night with this flick and “Trick r Treat”. I give it 4 stars.
Alien Beasts (DVD) – The no budget film from Carl J. Sukenick is also known as “Mutant Massacre”, neither title I never heard of. But anyway this man made a shot on video film about mutants and terrorists fighting on earth… I think. Carl narrates most the film so you know what’s going on or maybe not know what is going on. I tried rewatching this mess and still don’t know what was going on but it is such a crazy mess it is worth watching at least once just to know something like this exists! If that isn’t enough for you there is a sequel “Mutant Massacre 2” made available for the first time with more Claymation and scenes in weird colors but the same movie pretty much. Don’t ask just roll on over to www.massacrevideo.com and have Louis explain it to you as I believe the mess gave a migraine for a full day after witnessing it? It was so weird, so out there, a rating cannot be given as this movie needs to be witnessed not just watched…
Monster Dog (DVD) – I finally sat down and watched this Alice Cooper horror flick all the way through and totally understand now why Alice Cooper hates this project. Not because it only became available on DVD recently but after filming this Spanish/Italian/whatever other country production the movie company dubbed all of Mr. Cooper’s dialogue. Let’s not dwell on the fact the film couldn’t make its mind up on whether it was a killer dog flick or werewolf flick… But just try to enjoy this Alice Cooper horror film even though the two songs he has for the film are not his best by any means either. Disappointing flick but glad I watched it as I will most likely never revisit this 1 star horror film.
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