Gross Movie Reviews #400

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Gross Movie Reviews #400

 

Zombie Croc (DVD) – There has been a disturbance in the small southern town of Raven’s Neck. The deputy Rivera is sent to investigate and all can be found is bloody human remains everywhere. Believed it was an animal attack the sheriff is not all too concerned with Popa Chicken and his hatred for the town’s mayor. Popa Chicken disgusted with the eviction notices so he and his friends can be moved out for big business Popa brings forth a giant croc. While the croc causes havoc in the woods the town’s only hope is the deputy and a guy called “Crocodile Jack”! As usual filmmaker Robert Elkins brings forth a bit of exploitation feel with lots of blood and guts on no budget. I easily could see this film on SyFy Channel or a Chiller Channel during the summer months. My only major complaint would be the running time but was warned by Mr. Elkins ahead of time as I give the monster croc film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. More about the filmmaker and his films can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

Zombie Isle (DVD) – Once again Independent filmmaker Robert Elkins keeps the motto: No budget, no problem, as some students and their professor visit an inhabited island for research. The island doesn’t even show up on most local maps. But the students and the pervy professor are in for a surprise when they show up and attacked by flesh-eaters (shades of Fulci perhaps). But the other thing waiting there is an old abandoned army station that the professor knew about and its rumors of a scientist living there? Greeted by scary German scientist guy they become witnesses to a project almost perfected since World War II. Apparently Scary German Guy is working on a formula to perfect soldiers or zombies for war! Think of ‘Outpost’ meets ‘Re-animator’ with a sprinkle of Fulci on no budget as usual as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details go check Robert at: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

 

Arachnicide (DVD) – My hunger for mutant spider movies never ends as I find this oddity low budget flick about the government looking into big time drug dealer project. The project is a secret experiment on genetically-enhanced coco plants that will become full grown within hours to speed up the drug process. A small military tactical team is put together to invade a compound in Albania to destroy the heart of this experiment. Problem is the bad guys are smarter and have no plants there but genetically-enhanced spiders waiting to attack. A ‘Food of the Gods’ thing going here people as I give this oddity 1 ½ stars.

 

Anna (YouTube) – A short film that tackles two subjects in a very unique way. A young woman thought death would solve everything? But being undead and eating yourself sick doesn’t solve anything either… Pretty intelligent stuff from Forte Films Entertainment that is worth your time checking into and following them as I give it the short film 4 out of 4 stars. Find them at: www.fortefilmsentertainment.com and www.facebook.com/ForteFilmsEntertainment .

 

Easter Sunday (DVD) – Douglas Fisher is the serial killer known as “The Bunny Masked Killer” who went on a murderous rampage over 20 years ago on Easter. The police gunned him down but little they know Fisher’s offspring has survived and carries the secret of knowing who his father is. Now present day, the son Ryan Fischer and friends decide to have a drunken campfire and play with the spirit board. Ryan not believing in such a thing screams for his father to be brought back from the dead and contact them. The spirit board of course works and the spirit of Douglas Fisher now possesses Ryan and go dig up the old killer bunny mask. Now Ryan continues his father’s murderous rampage on Easter. I believe it’s a great concept for a slasher film that stars Robert Z’Dar and Ari Lehman. Plus the film has a great death scene by boiling water and has an awesome killer mask to market. But for me the film eventually falls a part in the second half with the film thinking it’s funny and no interesting characters outside of the bunny killer and Ari Lehman as the postman. I am not saying stay away from this holiday flick but I prefer ‘Easter Casket’ from Dustin Mills. You can purchase “Easter Sunday” at www.alternativecinema.com as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Sharkenstein (DVD) – In 1942 Germany, Hitler’s men raid a laboratory to steal Frankenstein’s brain and heart from a scientist for their own evil Nazi experiments. It is said that the heart and brain of the monster cannot be destroyed? Who said this is unknown? But fast forward to present time where vacationers have been disappearing at “Katzman Cove”.  A vacationing family has boat troubles and stumble upon a guy and his horrible German accent that has created ‘Sharkenstein’. A killer shark with the brain and heart of Frankenstein that is an unstoppable force! This horror mash-up is everything and more you expect from Polonia Brothers Entertainment. The only thing missing is Jon McBride randomly showing up as I give this hilarious mash-up 2 stars.

 

Yoga Hosers (DVD) – This latest Kevin Smith film stars Smith’s and Johnny Depp’s kids as “The Colleens” who are clerks at a convenience store in Winnipeg, Canada. The job is tough enough to work on a Friday night but when you are high school sophomores denied a chance to a senior party, it sucks. After learning about Canadian Nazis and fighting with their Phys. Ed. Teacher about real yoga in school they must go to the store. Once there they are greeted by little mini-Hitler sausage people known as the Bratzis. If things could not get worse the senior boy Hunter they adore invites himself and his bro to party at the store to sacrifice the girls to Satan because it is so metal! The boys are killed by the Bratzis and the girls are thrown in jail until they are broken out by Mr. Guy Lapointe to find the secret passage of the Bratzis to fight the evil. This “check your brain at the door” flick is absolutely hilarious and if by some chance you do not like it I say “sorry aboot that”. I give Smith’s latest 3 ½ stars.

 

Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

 

Breeders (DVD) – I believe this hilarious flick where every woman must be naked is from the same guy that gave us ‘Mutant Hunt’, Tim Kincaid. A slimy ass alien roams the streets of Manhattan looking virgin women to rape! If that isn’t enough they eventually become possessed to travel to the alien’s nest under the city. Where of course the women once there are naked and rub each other down with white goo. I swear to you this 1986 film isn’t porn? But wouldn’t have been surprised it wasn’t marketed that way in certain countries. But hopefully a detective and a very concerned doctor can stop the madness or just watch the ridiculousness of it? I give it 2 stars.

 

Kickboxer: Vengeance (DVD) – Haven’t had enough of the first five films? How about a reboot where Jean-Claude Van Damme trains Kurt Sloan to fight Tong Po aka Dave Batista after Tong killed his brother in a special underground tournament. Kurt wants revenge and of course only JCVD and some random hot ass police woman can help you in Thailand. If a fan of the series you know what you are getting yourself into as I give it 2 stars.

 

Mad Foxes (DVD) – So you are looking for lost exploitation flicks? Look no further than this Corman-inspired rampage film where for 75 minutes is a back and forth fight between Kyle Martin and a Nazi motorcycle gang for no really good reason. The film’s highlights many naked women that Kyle has sex with, lots of hairy dongs, bootleg Chuck Norris dojo and friends, Nazi gang shootings, death by gardening shears, multiple penis hackenings, exploding toilet death, a gimp, and a song by Krokus! There is no real point to the film except for having the most over the top rampage thrown in your face! I give it 3 stars, now start looking for this gem.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #351

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Gross Movie Reviews #351

 

By Tim Gross

 

Beyond the Door II (VHS/DVD-R) – This 1977 thriller was the last flick made by filmmaking legend Mario Bava and his son Lamberto Bava served as an assistant director and had a small part at the beginning of the film. The horror sequel centers around Dora and her son moving back to the old country home with her new husband Bruno. Once there Dora’s son Marco starts to question about his father and why he is dead. This also comes after he begins to start talking to an imaginary friend in the front yard. If that wasn’t enough for Dora, Marco’s mother to raise an eyebrow; how about Marco stealing his mom’s undies and acting very strange! If that wasn’t enough for the place to be haunted and further make the viewer confused on what is really going on Dora begins to feel and see some weird shit? But… you don’t know if it’s the drug addicted husband she killed off and claimed it was suicide or the acid her new husband is dropping in her water so you are never quite clear what is exactly going on. Except Marco has a new friend. It’s weird and kinda boring but I still give it 2 stars.

 

It Follows (On Demand) – Okay, I wanted to see what all the hype was all about? First off, congrats, you made a movie! It can be a difficult task but for me this movie wasn’t great and it wasn’t god awful. It was kinda blah to put it so. Apparently you are able to pass on a killer spirit that can take any form to a person you have sex with. What Tim Gross got out of this plot was: If you are a whore and don’t wait till marriage a killer spirit will fucking throw shit at you and break your ass in half. And no matter how many people you fuck because you are a whore the evil eventually gets bored and finds you anyway. But that was just me at least… I believe the film suffered more from being overhyped than anything else. Hell, by time I sat to watch it I had people trying to tell me it was the second coming of “The Blair Witch Project”! Which by the way that film can still suck a donkey dick. I give it 2 stars folks and there better not be a sequel.

 

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (On Demand) – An odd film to say the least. But with it being filmed in black and white and its language being Persian (with subtitles) even though it was filmed in L.A. kind of gives it that artsy feel. But anyway a non-talking vampire walks the streets or skateboards through the streets at night looking for her next victim. She comes upon a young man who is tripping on ‘X’ and dressed like Dracula so they strike up a conversation and she takes him home. From there it focuses on their relationship: he wants girl, she wants boy but bad things always happen since she is a vampire, and boy does not know about the vampire thing just yet. The closet movie to compare this to would be the original “Let the Right One In”. But hey give Hollywood six months and they will ruin this idea also. I wasn’t real impressed with the concept but have to still give it 2 stars for having a skateboarding vampire.

 

Run All Night (DVD) – Another film starring Liam Neeson but this one strays from the usual recent formula of Neeson flicks as he plays an old broken down former hitman named Jimmy. Jimmy use to work for a bad ass in Ed Harris and Harris’s son is trying to bring in his own piece of the pie that involves heroin. Meanwhile, Jimmy has a son named Michael who has pretty much distance himself completely from his father until he happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time while doing job of being a limo driver. Without giving too much away Michael gets in contact with his father and Jimmy just happens to kill Ed Harris’s son before he kills Michael causing a shitload of mob dudes looking for Jimmy and Michael. Like I said it strays a little from the recent formula to make you happy Neeson is till looking to make some good flicks as I give it 3 stars.

homicycle

Homicycle (DVD) – Brett Kelly’s latest project being released by Bloody Earth Films and Camp Motion Pictures throws around the words “tribute to grindhouse classics like The Punisher and Nailgun Massacre”. Okay, you now have my attention (the guy that has a Nailgun Massacre tattoo on his arm and was a huge fan of Terry Lofton). Mr. Kelly tries to craft a story about a good cop who not only meant a lot to his spouse (also a cop) but to a city that is polluted with crime and was gunned down in front of his wife by a weirdo named Brock. Brock’s crime wave continues and his wife is frustrated with the system but someone or something has answered her prayers and rides at night on a motorcycle like “death itself” and begins killing or retaliating against all that killed the good cop. I enjoyed the cheesiness of the flick but thought it lacked the randomness and B-movie fun of “Nailgun Massacre”. Now Mr. Kelly goes on to explain in his commentary of the film that he made the film sort of under pressure from how I took it “because his wife was pregnant and wasn’t sure he would get the chance to make this sort of flick?” Which makes sense to me as Brett Kelly is an excellent filmmaker and I have seen better work from the man. Now I am not getting all down on the flick as I believe the box art is brilliant like “Nailgun Massacre”. Hell, it might be one of the best DVD box art I have seen in quite a long time? I might be only giving the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars and was expecting a little more but I still support Mr. Kelly and his projects and if it helps I do have a “Homicycle” T-shirt ordered. To order your copy of Brett Kelly’s homage of “Nailgun Massacre” go to: https://www.alternativecinema.com or https://www.facebook.com/pages/Alternative-Cinema-Pop-Cinema-Studios/99873255809?fref=ts for more details on the film.

 

Black Eye (DVD/You Tube) – I love Fred Williamson! One of my favorite actors to talk too and watch in flicks as I am still finding film gems starring Mr. Williamson. And this 1974 film does not disappoint as it was directed by film legend Jack Arnold the man that directed “Creature from the Black Lagoon” and “Revenge of the Creature”. Fred plays a private investigator named Stone who two years before was a cop but left the force after his wife died. Now he is thrown a bone or two from his buddy who still works the beat. But Stone stumbles into a case that involves a cane that just so happens to be seeked by several individuals. Fred Williamson’s character “Stone” is more normal or believable as you see Stone get his kicked a couple times and not always get the girl. If you are a fan of Fred Williamson this film is well worth tracking down as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

The Redwood Massacre (DVD) – Another slasher film from the UK that David Ryan Keith looked to mix the Robert Elkins independent feature “Backwoods” and “Friday the 13th Part 2”. Or at least that’s how I viewed this slasher. Twenty years ago a man gone nutzoid, hacked and cannibalized his family then committed suicide. Every year college kids go out in the woods near the location and party on the anniversary until this year the murderous evil farmer has come back from the grave to hack and cannibalize again! As legend goes the evil farmer gets pissed off when you disturb his family’s final resting place or where they were slaughtered. Loved the gallons of blood, gore, and goo but at times the film seem to lack pacing of past slashers and the killer did not stand out like the ‘Caleb’ character from “Backwoods”. I was a bit disappointed as I give it 2 stars.

 

As Above So Below (DVD) – A young driven professor named Scarlet is looking for the ‘philosopher stone’ as it was her father’s work before her that seems to have mystical powers as lure claims. She has a cameraman following her as she discovers new information about the stone’s whereabouts in the undiscovered catacombs under Paris. She asks for help from a man and his crew to get her into the catacombs illegally as she believes she has to root through unknown parts of the catacombs. Once Scarlet and crew is there she follows clues to open different doorways that lead deeper and deeper into the catacombs until they reach the stone. Once found they literally set off a trap that leads them into “The Gates of Hell”. The flick was interesting and entertaining unlike a “Grave Encounters” and I will sure be revisiting this flick a couple more times in my future. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Horror Realm July 24-26th, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.horrorrealmcon.com for more details on the convention.